Boyfriend wants to swing and I don't know where to start

[Christy 15]

Hello to all. I would like to introduce myself. I am a 30 year old involved female. I am confused on this whole swinging thing. My boyfriend is asking me to get into swinging. I am not sure what to do or how to do it.

 

I would like some help on learning how to get started and what to expect.

[ALilOEverything 901]

Well the first thing to do is communicate with your boyfriend, intimately and openly on a regular basis about it. Sometimes it takes a long time to settle into the idea and know it's something you really want to do. Take your time, don't rush into anything. Sit down with your boyfriend and read the posts together and talk about how you feel about the different issues. It's important you're both on the same page and set boundaries you both can be comfortable with.

[LikeMinds321 1,527]

How has your boyfriend described swinging to you? What does it mean to him? That might be a good place to start here with us. If we know what he's expecting from you we can talk about that.

 

Glad you are here and willing to learn. I hope he is eager to learn with you.

[Christy 15]

He hasn't really said much about it. When I try to talk to him he just says that I am with another man and he is with another woman and the woman is with me. I don't understand why he would be thinking about this. I have found three magazines that he has purchased (that he is hiding from me) in his truck. I'm just confused on the whole deal and he is not helping me much.

[BradAndJanet 70]

I'd suggest that if you're interested in swinging you do some reading here for a while. You'll learn a lot from doing that and if you don't see the answer to a question you have, please ask us.

 

You two need to talk. Communication is absolutely vital to swinging. Don't let him rush you into anything you're not ready for and try to get him to read along with you. That should spark some conversation.

[LikeMinds321 1,527]

He hasn't really said much about. When I try to talk to him he just says that I am with another man and he is with another woman and the woman is with me. I don't understand why he would be thinking about this. I have found three magazines that he has purchased (that he is hiding from me) in his truck. I'm just confused on the whole deal and he is not helping me much.

It sounds like he is telling you rather than asking you if you want to swing.

 

I don't understand why he would hide magazines about swinging if that is what he wants for the both of you.

 

I would be direct with him. Tell him you would like him to talk openly with you about what he has in mind to do before any swinging takes place.

 

Encourage him to read this board with you. It will stimulate great conversations.

 

I have to say, I am concerned that he may be thinking more of himself than of you.

[intuition897 2,179]

Whoa... Got some little red flags goin' up.

 

Welcome to the board Christy. If you're looking for info about swinging you're definitely in the right place. Swinging is very rewarding if it's done thoughtfully and for the right reasons, but I must warn that if it's jumped into without your being prepared, it can have disastrous results! You only get out of it what you put into it.

 

So, what is it? Again that depends on what you and your boyfriend want it to be. Generally speaking, it's where a couple decides to throw out the rule that couples must be only with each other sexually, and adopt a new rule where they allow - even encourage - one another to enjoy sexual experiences with other people. This can include two or more couples having sex with their own partners in the same room (same-room sex), two women, or men possibly, exploring their bisexual sides (with or without interaction from their partners), 3somes (two men+one woman or two women+one man), two or more couples staying primarily with their own partners but engaging in light touching or possibly oral sex with others (soft-swap), exchanging partners for full intercourse in the same room (full-swap/open swinging), exchanging partners and going into separate rooms for sex (full-swap/closed swinging), and group sex where you may or may not know the people you have sex with (more common at swinging clubs that allow sexual intercourse on the premises or at house/hotel parties). These are the basics that I know of, and there's no limit to the variations. There are some rules of etiquette that are universal however, and some practices and attitudes that are frowned upon. For example, if any one is coerced into it, or feels jealousy and does nothing to correct it, or does it to get away from one's partner because they're bored, annoyed, etc, then they SHOULD NOT DO IT. At least not until they evolve as a couple beyond these problems. If you find yourselves in this situation, you may find it difficult to find good playmates as situations like these - and the people who are in them - are generally avoided.

 

I must stress that this is something that should only be done to enhance intimacy with your OWN partner, and negative feelings MUST NOT be suppressed. Misunderstandings and mistakes will happen. It's part of the learning curve. But if you or he experience persistent negative feelings that you can't get past, swinging may not be for you. Please consider these things carefully; the swinging lifestyle isn't just about having fun sex with strangers. There's lots more to consider.

 

Hope this has helped some. Good luck and keep us posted!

[hotsummers 15]

A great post by "Intuition" above. One aspect of your question that I think I might be able to address is the "why." Your SO (significant other) has fantasies that he would like to experience. He obviously feels that his life would be sort of incomplete if he were to ignore the fantasies that he is having without at least attempting to realize them. He has taken the first step in opening up to you about them. The good news is that he wants to share them with you! Another positive note is you seem to be at least open to the idea of understanding your man and finding out more.

 

ALL men (and women) have fantasies. MOST men do not share them with their SO's. In my opinion this leads to repressed feelings, anxiety and frustration in the relationship and in many cases a resentment and feeling of "sacrifice." Many men deal with these feelings by having an affair with someone who they feel will give them what they feel their SO will not. If only men and women could open up and share their deepest innermost thoughts. Well, most in the lifestyle do share their deepest and innermost thoughts and fantasies. There is an openness that I never experienced in a "normal" relationship. Believe it or not, there is also a level of trust that is developed that I could not have imagined before.

 

My advice to both of you is to talk about your fantasies and learn to understand what each other wants and needs. Keep in mind that people have little or no control over what turns them on. Either you are wired a certain way or you are not. Your SO's fantasies are no reflection of your ability or inability to please him or to excite him. Swinging is something ADDED to a great relationship, not something that takes the place of a great relationship. The more you can open up with each other without being judgmental, the more you might find you have in common.

[Christy 15]

First of all I would like to thank you all for the wonderful and very educational information. I think this is something I would like to try. Thanks again for everything to each and everyone of you. And thanks for the warm welcomes.

[JustAskJulie 2,595]

The first thing you have to do is decide if swinging is something that YOU want to do. If it is not then simply tell him that. If he is not willing to set those fantasies aside then perhaps he is not the boyfriend you should be with.

 

If swinging is something you actually want to do then you and he need to sit down and talk about it and decide what you will both be comfortable with and what both of your fantasies are. It can't all be about him and his fantasies, just as any part of your relationship it needs to be for both of you and make you both happy.

[curiousagain 326]

You know, I agree if swinging isn't something she wants to do that maybe he isn't the boyfriend she needs. But, if swinging is that important to him, maybe she isn't the girlfriend for him either.

 

I use to automatically say if one wants to and the other doesn't, then the one who does should automatically give it up, but the more I think about it, the more lopsided that sounds.

 

I mean, you can approach this from every angle, but let's say one of you wants to be really involved politically and the other wants to have nothing to do with politics. Gonna be some problems in that relation, isn't there?

 

Just insert any number of things, horses, motorcycles, religion, etc. and see how it sounds. Much food for thought. much to ponder.

[DBL D 120]

VERY TRUE Curousagain!

 

It would be no different than being locked into a marriage that wasn't fun anymore. People have a RIGHT to be happy. If you're an intelligent adult you will see that level-headed communication in this area is a necessity. Hey, if this relationship doesn't work out then it can only help you in the next one.