Is swinging what you expected?

[JustAskJulie 2,595]

In the topic on "Has swinging evolved" I read this comment...

 

Originally posted by Sex4Us2:

I am not giving up on the lifestyle and the fun and friendship sure to be found here somewhere but it definitely isn't all that I thought it would be.

 

 

So now I have to ask the rest of you. Is swinging everything you thought it would be? Are you finding it to be the fun and free lifestyle you thought? Were you looking for friends and can now only find people looking for sex? Are you happy with how things have turned out or a bit disappointed in what you have found?

[Quin 17]

Overall, I'm very happy with the way swinging has turned out in my life. Sure there's been disappointments, let downs and such along the way, but after all this time I have some life long friends that I have wonderful fulfilling sex with and I continue to this day to meet new people and enjoy their company in every way.

 

I never really went into swinging with any preconceived notions basically because at the age of 18, when I started indulging in group sex, I really didn't have a clue about much of anything. I was out exploring the world for the first time beyond my parent's safe and secure home. I had always been a bit more on the sexual side than my mother was comfortable with and being away from their home, while I missed it terribly, it allowed me to really live my life and explore myself and my sexuality without any confines/rules.

[CanadianCouple 18]

It's difficult to give a straight yes or no to this question. Has it met our expectations? Yes, but with some qualifications attached. It's much more difficult to find compatable couples than we thought. There are far more phonies and assorted time-wasters out there than we thought. And while it's always been fun fantasizing about it, actually taking the plunge is more difficult than one imagines. For example, can you imagine giving that woman sitting at your table a wild ride in the sack? You bet. How about imagining her husband on top of your wife banging away? A bit headier to think about, when the chips are down and the four of you are heading to the bedroom.

 

Has the sex lived up to our expectations? Yes, but again, it's more complicated than that. In your fantasies, there's no pressure. In real life, there can be oodles of it. Will you feel jealousy? Will you be able to get your swing partner off? Will there be a second time with these people?

 

Like almost all things in life, fantasy and reality are quite different. Seldom are things exactly as you imagined them, but that doesn't necessarily mean disappointment. Actually doing them may be all you'd imagined, just somewhat different.

[Brian and Jo 344]

We are both very happy with the way swinging has turned out for us. As we have posted before we were both having affairs and drifting apart until we decided to pursue our desire for some sexual variety together as a couple. It was swinging which brought us back together as we enjoyed being able to have other sexual partners without the secrecy and furtiveness which had prevailed while we were having our separate affairs.

 

Since we became swingers 25 years ago we have had some fantastic sex with a large number of partners. There have been a few bad experiences of course but they have been more than offset by the many close friendships we have established and especially those we have with our group of regular swinging couples. The fact that we have broadened these friendships to include matters outside of the bedroom has been a real plus.

 

Another plus has been the growth and expansion of our sexual lives to include experiences which go way beyond the norms of conventional society. In particular the group sex we enjoy with our friends has been and continues to be one of the highlights of our entire lives.

[JustAskJulie 2,595]

It's difficult to give a straight yes or no to this question.

 

Figured that would be the case.... that's why I didn't make it a poll

[OhioCouple 40]

Speaking on behalf of both of us, we are very satisfied with the way things have turned out for us. Certainly we have hit a few speed bumps and pot holes, but have not had any major regrets that would cause us throw in the towel giving it up all together. We do not have the experience as those which have been swinging for years and don't know the evolution of how the lifestyle has changed, but I can say tho that for us it has been at times frustrating but yet very gratifying. I can only assume that this is due to our selectiveness in partners.

 

To date we have learned from our own mistakes (which we take full credit for) and swinging just keeps getting better each time for us. Should there ever come a time that we feel it is a hinderance or putting stress on our own relationship, we are in full agreement that we will back off and put it aside.

 

First and foremost is your own personal relationship with your chosen mate, or if you are single, your inner being.

 

 

[Freecouple4u 15]

We have been active as a couple for 25 years. We have found swinging to be more than we ever thought it would be in many ways. It has also been less than we would have liked in other ways.

 

We enjoy it very much and feel satisfied it has added much pleasure to our marriage. We have never considered our marriage in danger of ending in divorce for any reason and swinging has not been any problem in that way either. We have been happy to stay married for the past 30 years.

 

We really would like for things to be better as far as being friends with more people open to swing like we are. We have had difficulty finding enough couples dedicated to the lifestyle as much as we are that have a continued interest in us as friends for the long term. The few long term couples we have known as friends have added much pleasures to our lives in many ways far beyond the bedroom fun.

 

We feel overall that swinging is everything we had expected in the beginning but not everything we would like it to be now that we have experienced so much. If that makes any sense then we are happy that you see our side of things and if not, maybe it will someday.

[MagicEnigma 16]

I'd have to say its been different, and more than I expected. I've met a wonderful couple, had sexual experiences I'd never have thought about.

 

I'd say its made me more confident sexually to be sure. Its hard to be shy about a lot of other things having done what I have.

 

I'm looking forward to doing and trying it more.

[L&K 15]

First of all , great comments , written with intellegence and thought .

 

As for us , we have met with one couple , the hardest part was meeting them

they too were first timers like our selfs . Did it exceed expectations , for Marv yes though i did not really have any contact to speak of with the new partners watching Sue experience her first Bi sexual encounter was unreal . After that our sex was great that night . Her experience amounted to great forplay for both of us . Will things all ways go that well , i doubt it but it was nice to have a decent begining in the life style . Would we meet them again , no it was not all we wanted but it was not a total failure either . For first timers it is hard to not move to fast , that was our erro here . we shall improve : ) :p

[Couplehavingfun 17]

We're relatively new swingers on the scene, so can only share what we've experienced so far. For our short time swinging we have been very comfortable and active in the lifestyle (we dove right in and the water was fine - it just clicked for us), and have been thinking about this topic on our own, just because of all the people we've met so far, and those we have seen again, or are planning to, and want to share with our other friends. We're having such a wonderful time exploring our sexuality, feeding it and just letting our sexual selves go as well as enjoying the variety swinging brings.

 

What we weren't sure we'd find, and to be honest we really weren't necessarily looking for, was friendship...and we are finding it. We've met a few (okay more than a few, lol) couples that we click with on a few different levels and we've cohosted swing parties twice with one couple. When we cohost parties we noticed that we don't always have much sexual interaction with the other cohost couple during the party, but the attaction is there and we get together at other times, and we always keep in touch over the phone and over the computer. The other wife and I have gone shopping together and plan to do so again. We have a bond already that goes beyond the great sex we share, and are becoming quite close friends. We think that's pretty cool.

 

Canadian Couple posted some pretty good questions that I know have run through our minds before, during, and after encounters. I almost took out the jealousy one, because for us it isn't usually an issue...but I left it in there, because it was an issue the one time he was having a better time than I was, lol. Although now I think I'd even feel differently about that and handle it differently. Anyway, here's CC's questions:

Will you feel jealousy? Will you be able to get your swing partner off? Will there be a second time with these people?

I've noticed as my experience and confidence grows that I have developed new ways of dealing with these issues and getting the information we need rather quickly, which reduces our wondering time. I think my own evolution as well as the strengthening of our relationship has surprised me most of all. Swinging has brought about many positive changes in us and to our lives.

[Dani&Drew 15]

It's a lot more difficult to find any decent couples around here than I thought, but I'm stubborn. At rock bottom, there's nowhere to go but up

[EternallySingle 32]

Hope for the best and expect the worst, that way you're always pleasantly surprised.

 

And DrewandDani, I've met some great couples in Kazoo and Battle Creek, but while they were nice to talk to, they weren't into single men and that what I was when I met them.

[gsu22 187]

So far so good for me.....granted my experience has been very limited to this point.......the first time was so much fun because I was finally able to see what the lifestyle was about......it was somewhat shocking at first but I quickly adjusted. Hopefully, things will continue to go well.

[thump29 16]

Things have been real good so far. We have ran into some slight problems but overall we are happy with how it has gone.

[GerdOEvert 51]

1. Swinging has depended on the club and the couple. Some clubs are really good, and organized, and others are just really small fly by night operations.

 

2. The couples who participate seem to have a range of psychological makes ups, and that does not always make for a satisfying evening or night.

 

3. There are also cliques at clubs, and it may take a while to be accepted, and when you are the swinging is better.

 

4. Swapping can be fun, but there were some couples who we wanted to swap with where it just did not work out.

 

5. You can make a million phone calls to try to coordinate the interests and places for five couples.

 

6. People who swing may still want to keep a part of themselves out of the effort, so you have to guess what they really want.

 

7. Some people's bodies are just not as sexy as others. {duh}

 

Our best club burned down, and after that, we did a lot less. The very best club we ever saw was in Oakland CA. Really sexy people, and nice settng.

[Dolphins524 15]

Being new to swinging, this has been an interesting read. I'm starting to get the idea that maybe it may be more difficult to find compatible play mates than expected. I think we're up to the challange, though . I guess if you have EternallySingles attitude, you can't go wrong. Expect nothing, hope for the best.

[playmatesinpgh 18]

For us it has turned out to be even better than we imagined. We have met some really great people who we would never have met, if it hadn't been for the lifestyle.

 

Oh, and almost forgot to mention the sex...That has turned out to we great too...

[tribbles 490]

We expected more group play and less swapping. We both want to do stuff that takes 3 or 4 or more to do. BTDT with any play that only takes two. We have had some great experiences but they aren't as often as we expected. But it's all about having fun together and that we are doing

[two4youinswva 3,068]

Is swinging everything you thought it would be?

It's been all that and a bag of chips!

 

Are you finding it to be the fun and free lifestyle you thought?

Yes. We're having a blast!

 

Were you looking for friends and can now only find people looking for sex?

No. We started out wanting friends, and we found plenty. "Friends first" is less important now, but we're still more than happy to have playmates become friends, and it doesn't seem to be too hard to find them.

 

Are you happy with how things have turned out or a bit disappointed in what you have found?

We are very happy with how things have turned out.

 

I guess the key to our satisfaction is we didn't really have "expectations" from the lifestyle when we entered it.

We just wanted to make some friends, have some fun, together, and see where it led.

 

We never envisioned a "perfect scenario" or set expectations on how it was supposed to go. We had our agreed limitations, and other than that, we kind of went with the flow.

[Malachista 170]

Is swinging everything you thought it would be?

Yes and no

Actually it is just very diffrent then I first expected

 

Are you finding it to be the fun and free lifestyle you thought?

No, even in something promoted to be free and fun it still has a lot of peer politics.

 

Also there is too much talk and not enough action .... and still I like to join a forum like this

 

Were you looking for friends and can now only find people looking for sex?

The other way around

 

Are you happy with how things have turned out or a bit dissapointed in what you have found?

I'm not 100% happy with how things in the LS are, but I learned to take them as they are...while I keep searching for the people/place/group that I hoped to find in the first place

[cavabien 15]

We've been in to this for two years. Except for one, we've had only positive experiences. Our relationship has got more warm and spontaneous. We spend much more physical times in between, hugging and kissing.

[willyoats 324]

When we first started, my wife kept insisting that we should not have expectations. Just go with the flow and see what happens. We could wish for certain things to happen, but should not expect it nor be disappointed because it didn't happen.

 

That was great advice. She had disappointments, or great fun, or just a so-so experience at various times but that was never related to expectations.

 

All I wished for was that over time we would have sexual contacts that would be different from what we already had with each other. Those experiences would augment what was otherwise a pretty good sex life at home. In the very first swinging experience we learned a wonderful new position that we used many times afterwards. That sort of set the standard for other experiences: were we learning and growing? We learned so many things, met so many fun prople and enhanced our own sex life in ways that could never have been possible without swinging.

 

Deciding to swing was among the very most fruitful choices we have ever made. We both agree on that. I think it is accurate to say that we did not have expectations at the beginning, but if we had had expectations, the experiences far exceeded whatever we could have dreamed up. That is absolutely true for me. For my wife, it's harder to say.

[xyzzy07 15]

It hasn't been quite what we expected.

 

1. It's been more difficult to find compatible couples than I would have thought. I never anticipated the low hit rate on 4-way matches, although it makes sense now.

 

2. The times we've found a compatible couple, however, have been more fun than I anticipated. It's great when everything clicks. You can kind of tell within minutes.

 

3. I didn't expect the clubs and parties to be as much fun as they are. We both really like the sexy atmosphere and all the flirting! Also the uninhibited people. Dirty dancing with new partners has turned out be be like foreplay!

 

4. We didn't expect to find couples at clubs who don't go there to have sex at all, but rather just because the atmosphere is sexy.

 

5. Also didn't expect so many couples who are just into girl-girl play.

 

6. Finally, we didn't expect that talking and laughing about our adventures would be such a blast! It's almost better than the sex.

[tittietwister 126]

We had different expectations so we have both perceived it a little differently.

 

For both, it has been frustrating finding couples where all have a good rapport. We realize that's on us as much us as them.

 

We were both put off by the speed at which most expect play decisions to be made with absolute strangers - particularly at house parties.

 

In hindsight we are dismayed at the lack of information and guidance available to newbies. By that we mean the unwritten social rules and etiquette. There is plenty of information on what swinging is but very little situational advice unless you are lucky enough to stumble on an experienced couple willing to mentor you. We mostly learned though mistakes which was painful at times. This board is a GREAT resource and wish we had found it first.

 

We have unexpectedly found the club scene, in particular The Cottage, to be an almost perfect environment for us. You can do as much or as little as you want and still have fun with no pressure.

 

We have unexpectedly learned so much about our strengths and weaknesses by way of the people and situations we have been presented with. From that standpoint it has been transforming and enlightening for me. Unfortunately, I think it has actually made my wife a little more cynical about human nature as she holds people to very high standards and more people we meet the fewer make the grade for her.

[cplnuswing 4,713]

This should be a must read thread for all who are thinking about swinging.

 

We can say the same as just about everything above. I guess the thing that probably surprised us the most was how nice most swingers are, and then how hard it is to find compatible playmates but then on the flipside, how when everything finally comes together, how awesome it is.

 

We've made some lifelong memories and friends through swinging, and you can't ask for more than that

[divenaked 325]

I thought this would be nothing than just sex with other people. It worked that way with the ex... with the current Ms. Dive...things have been sooooo much different.

We have been through so much more.

We found a couple that we absolutely fell in love with, and developed a poly relationship. We lost the male half of the other couple close to a year ago, and are still dealing with the loss.

I foolishly allowed myself to get into a relationship that became a one sided, possessive, encounter that threatened my personal, primary relationship with Ms. Dive. This was not a good time for anyone. Thankfully, our relationship has survived.

We still play around with other people. We still have a lot of fun. We are more careful now.

[EastInWest 1,524]

Interesting thread to bump. Yes, so far, we've found it freeing and stimulating. We'll get up the nerve to try a club - or Desire or something - someday.

[padoc 1,703]

I beg to differ, we are swingers but we are not members of any tribe. Are you perhaps related to a certain senator from New England?

[padoc 1,703]

A little fast and loose with words, metaphors not withstanding. Im still waiting for the answer to this question: "where in the Constitution or Bill of Rights does "putting sexual preference up front" get mentioned as a basic right?" Fast and loose with facts as well. Or was your "basic right" comment a metaphor too? Or maybe Elizabeth, your family told you about it?

[lcmim 1,082]

You seem hell bent on injecting your politics into the sites threads.Please stop using our posts as a spring board for your agenda.Besides being against the terms of service it's rude and hijacks the thread.

 

[ATTACH=CONFIG]11602[/ATTACH]

 

As the term in question originated in the political realm, to not have politics come up would be VERY surprising.

 

I realize that your original question was not political,never the less the term is.

[lcmim 1,082]

As the term in question originated in the political realm, to not have politics come up would be VERY surprising.

 

I realize that your original question was not political,never the less the term is.

 

It seems that I have conflated two topics!

In this thread it is a bit of a non sequitur.

[Eddiem 139]

I thought this would be nothing than just sex with other people. It worked that way with the ex... with the current Ms. Dive...things have been sooooo much different.

We have been through so much more.

We found a couple that we absolutely fell in love with, and developed a poly relationship. We lost the male half of the other couple close to a year ago, and are still dealing with the loss.

I foolishly allowed myself to get into a relationship that became a one sided, possessive, encounter that threatened my personal, primary relationship with Ms. Dive. This was not a good time for anyone. Thankfully, our relationship has survived.

We still play around with other people. We still have a lot of fun. We are more careful now.

Yes and no. Perhaps more exciting and nerve wracking at the start, of late... just interesting. Some friends have met people they became very close with and that did not end well.

[GoldCoCouple 4,065]

Is swinging everything you thought it would be?

 

We came into this not really expecting anything. It was a fantasy that we decided to try and fulfill. That we even have a relationship that is THIS AWESOME is amazing. Swinging is only the sprinkles on top of the sundae, we could have lived without them, but having them there is just a bonus.

 

Are you finding it to be the fun and free lifestyle you thought?

 

Yes. Having friends that you can get naked with or talk about sex with, or have sex with...it's a fantasy that most people have but they never take the steps or effort to achieve. I don't care how close you are to your (vanilla) friends, but you are not going to tell them what amazing thing you did in the bedroom last weekend (or living room, garage, front porch, hood of the car, in the park, etc.). It's great being able to talk about anything to your partner and/or your naughty best friends and not have them be shocked and dismayed.

 

Were you looking for friends and can now only find people looking for sex?

 

No, we only look for people that we are interested in becoming friends with first...the sex is just a bonus that comes afterward

 

Are you happy with how things have turned out or a bit disappointed in what you have found?

 

Overall, happy. It is HARD to find a four way match and takes time and effort, but once you find that match, all the effort is worth it. It may seem to be taking forever, but it IS worth the effort.

 

Bonus question:

Where in the Constitution or Bill of Rights does "putting sexual preference up front" get mentioned as a basic right?

 

Amendment I

 

Congress shall make no law respecting an establishment of religion, or prohibiting the free exercise thereof; or abridging the freedom of speech, or of the press; or the right of the people peaceably to assemble, and to petition the Government for a redress of grievances.

 

Amendment IX

 

The enumeration in the Constitution, of certain rights, shall not be construed to deny or disparage others retained by the people.

 

In other words, the rights of the people are not limited to just the rights listed in the Constitution. We are free to do or pursue whatever freedoms we decide to pursue since we are free men and women. It's what makes America great.

[the Nomads 78]

Is swinging everything you thought it would be?

 

For me swinging has turned out a lot like learning to fly. Before you are exposed to it you think its quite simple and fits in this neat little box. You start the plane, you throttle up, you pull back on the yoke and take off, you point in the direction you want to go, you push forward on the yoke and slow down, you land, and you turn off the plane. I looked at swinging in a very similar light and I quickly learned that the word nuance just doesn't do it justice. Just like there are hundreds of different aspects to flying a plane that are not immediately obvious there are also hundreds of different aspects to swinging that may or may not come into play. One day I would love to put together a handbook to swinging. It will be a series rules and guidelines and the last one will say "Just go with it any do what makes everyone involved happy" and that rule will supersede every other rule. Just in the 4 months or so of active involvement (we've taken a break while we are moving south) I can tell you that even if I had someone with 30 years experience guiding us through the lifestyle we would still find things that confuse or surprise us. So from a general perspective yes swinging is what I thought it would be. Couples meeting couples and having sex with them. But there is so much more to it and its not nearly as easy as it sounds.

 

Were you looking for friends and can now only find people looking for sex?

 

We were looking for friends and still are. As a couple in our late 30s with no kids all of our friends went off and did the kids route. We've regularly hung out with people about 20 years older than us because it seems that we have jumped ahead by not taking 20 years to have a family and raise kids which is just another path in life. That being said I'm thinking we looked for friends in the wrong places. House parties are not the places to make friends and take it easy. Neither are clubs. When we get back down south we are probably going to look at more drinks and dinners and meet and greets. The anonymous sex just doesn't seem to do it for us. We will do it but it just isn't as fun. We would rather meet a couple for drinks and dinner and then if things clicked go to a house party or club with them.

 

Are you happy with how things have turned out or a bit disappointed in what you have found?

 

Way too soon to answer this question other than I was disappointed to find out how naive I was in entering this thinking it was that simple. See the flying analogy above.

 

Mr. Nomad

[Guest]

I came into this thinking it was just about having sex with others under some certain set of agreed upon conditions (between me and my bf at the time, now husband.) What I didnt imagine was how I or we would benefit from the experience. My confidence with my body and in dealing with men has greatly increased. The related fun events we do

[GoldCoCouple 4,065]

Now I thought learning to fly would be hard but on my first lesson the instructor said push that knob all the way in and pull up sightly on the wheel. He promised that he would land the plane when the time came...he lied and said something about having a heart attack and 'passed out' (was ignoring my pleas to take over the controls). We lived. Swinging, if you have the tools and knowledge in place can be quite simple as well, the main difference is anyone can learn to fly, not everyone can accept or handle swinging.

[the Nomads 78]

Now I thought learning to fly would be hard but on my first lesson the instructor said push that knob all the way in and pull up sightly on the wheel. He promised that he would land the plane when the time came...he lied and said something about having a heart attack and 'passed out' (was ignoring my pleas to take over the controls). We lived. Swinging, if you have the tools and knowledge in place can be quite simple as well, the main difference is anyone can learn to fly, not everyone can accept or handle swinging.

 

I wonder whats more concerning. Your instructor having a heart attack during your flying lesson or someone in your foursome having a heart attack during play. Either way your name is going to be on an official report somewhere.

 

Mr. Nomad

[PeterJ 948]

I wonder whats more concerning. Your instructor having a heart attack during your flying lesson or someone in your foursome having a heart attack during play. Either way your name is going to be on an official report somewhere.

 

Mr. Nomad

 

Seems like an easy choice to me. One is embarrassing the other potentially fatal — for both the instructor and the student. Well, depending on how advanced the student is.

[M1F2KTJ 473]

In the topic on "Has swinging evolved" I read this comment...

 

 

 

 

So now I have to ask the rest of you. Is swinging everything you thought it would be? Are you finding it to be the fun and free lifestyle you thought? Were you looking for friends and can now only find people looking for sex? Are you happy with how things have turned out or a bit disappointed in what you have found?

 

Our first time was unplanned. It happened kind of naturally. He was a friend to both of us.

 

After him we weren't looking for a friend we were looking for a good sex partner for her.

 

We had many disappointing experiences but we had many more good experiences. Some of those men became friends to both of us. We had good times without sex.

[Numex 2,416]

We went into it with a very limited goal of my wife enjoying a few rounds with two of her exes (separately, they didn't know about each other), which in our minds was a pretty tame start. It was more fun than we imagined it would be, both for her being with them and for us afterwards talking about what had happened.

 

Since the other guys knew that I knew, it was easy for my wife to insist that if they wanted to continue fucking her that I be allowed to watch. A turn on so unbelievable for us that the boyfriends were ignored the first time I watched after he came so my wife and I could go at it. After that it was half her alone with one of them and half MFMs with me, which were even more exciting.

 

After that we quickly explored just about everything, somethings we love (couples' swaps, girl play), others we disliked (gangbangs, guy-guy stuff), and a few things one of us likes the other hates (my wife will dominate and physically abuses one of the husbands; the other wife and I leave before it starts). So that period was a mixed bag.

 

Now we've settled into what we like, together and separately, with swinging being way beyond our expectations.