Unexpectedly Jealous

[bear123 17]

I decided to create a new account to post this message. I know that's not a good sign right off the bat, but please don't let that give you the impression that I've not discussed this with my partner. It's just that she would be mortified if I were to post this under our co-profile...

Anyway, just as a way to introduce the message, we got into this primarily through my influence. We've always been good communicators and I let her know that one of my fantasies was to see her with another man. She really was not that interested, but frequently indulged my fantasy through sexy pillow-talk and role-playing. I have to admit it got me REALLY going.

Somewhere along the line I mentioned the possibility of swinging. She was curious enough to put a profile up on a number of the boards. Soon enough we were chatting with a number of couples and we were considering meeting a few of them. At some point along the way she started up a conversation with a single guy. Over the course of a few evenings things got pretty heavy. (Web-cam and all). She had led the guy to believe that she was playing around without my knowledge. It was probably one of the hottest few nights we had ever had and I could barely breathe I was so excited.

Anyway, at some point along the way, I started to feel a little bit excluded. It started off with us both chatting. (i.e., she would ask "what should I type next!"), it moved into her chatting a little more one-on-one, and then moved into her chatting completely on her own. (although usually sitting on the couch next to me while I watch TV or read) This started to bother me and I started feeling pangs of jealousy (something that I didn't think I would ever feel with her). We talk about it all the time. It usually starts with me being a little upset, moving into a discussion of our feelings, and finally an admission on my part that this is just stupid (especially when she shows me the logs of what she typed) and an encouragement by me to get back into it. She has gotten somewhat frustrated with me over this given that I tend to swing back and forth between super turned on and egging her to do more than she's doing, and then back to this somewhat uncomfortable state.

She tells me that she would never actually meet this guy, but she does REALLY want to, but (for obvious reasons) I'm not sure I should encourage the meeting. She surreptitiously asked if he would be up for an MFM meeting, but he declined.

Anyway, at this point I'm not sure where to go. I know that she would stop if I asked her (she's told me that in numerous of our conversations), but I would really feel like an overprotective ass if I let something as illogical as this get in the way. She's let her feelings be known that she thinks this is completely benign and safe situation that she would like to continue, and honestly I have to agree with that assessment.

What I find even more interesting is that for me the sex talk (and the cyber-sex for that matter) don't really bother me. It's the just daily chit-chat (e.g. "how was your day", "oh, I met this annoying sales clerk who......", etc. etc.) coupled with the sex talk that really gets me (strange, eh?) It probably also gets me that this guy thinks he is fooling around with my girlfriend without my knowledge.

I figured I'd pose the question to you all.

Thanks...

[Dr Jekyll 15]

It's a tough one, but I'd say you're not exactly comfortable with the situation, although you're not exactly sure as to why it is that you're not comfortable.

 

The fact that you are uncomfortable in itself is a good enough reason for her to stop. This is a two way thing. You're obviously not quite happy and if it's bugging you to the extent where you don't want them to ever meet...

 

My opinion, ask her to stop. Either you are not ready, or she is overstepping the boundaries of what is ok. Won't work.

[northindycpl 32]

Let me start off saying that what you are doing is something we would never do. But, I can tell you that I understand your feelings. We have felt pangs occassionally when coversations turn into something more than playing. Mr Indy and I have spent a lot of time talking about this.

 

For me, and I think a lot of women, becoming attracted to a man that you want to swing with takes getting to know them better. (Not in a couples situation but in a singles situation) I need to know about their sense of humor, intelligence, manorisms, level of respect, etc.. before I could ever invite them over. And that is only after I have already decided that they are clean cut enough, tall enough, broad-shouldered enough.. etc. Obviously all of that takes time for a few hours of meaningless fun. But it is what makes me be attracted to someone.

 

It used to bother Mr. Indy, much like it bothers you. It was too personal for him. For him, just by looking at a girl, he knows if he wants to party with her. (again we are talking about singles) and If I find her attractive then its a go, in his mind. Well... I still go through the processes with her too.

 

Knowing how we each process the experience is important. IF your wfe is telling you that she isn't interested for more than sex with this guy, then I am sure she isn't.

 

Mr. Indy and I have had very frank and open conversations about this. And he is the first to point out when he is bothered by an interaction. We discuss it, and we decide If we should continue.

 

Now, if your fantasy is having your wife chat with this guy, pretending to be cheating, then you have gotten what you bargained for in my opinion. On the one hand, you have encouraged her to do it, on the other you are bothered that he is participating. Since he isn't interested in a MFM, then it will never get to a point of meeting, so why continue?

 

If it were us and we were in your situation we would stop. Just stop. It isn't going to go anywhere that the three of you can physically participate, and the conversations are bothering you- just stop and find someone else.

the only physical option is sounds like is that the 2 of them have something physical, and that, wouldn't be cool with me.

[Vespertine 31]

I can understand why you're feeling the way you are. I'd feel a little jealous too if my husband was doing what your wife is doing.

 

Swinging, for us, is something we do together. I wouldn't be comfortable watching my husband 'pretend' to be a man that fools around behind my back, especially if I wasn't active in participating in that fantasy. I would be very uncomfortable with him having cybersex with anyone and doubly uncomfortable if he exchanged daily life events coupled with fantasy sex chat, regardless if I'm privy to all the transcripts. When you start adding in everyday talk to the fantasy... lines can become blurred. Somehow to me, it all seems different if we're having at it alone, rather than doing it together. It takes away that 'united front' feeling.

 

I know he feels the same way.

 

I know a lot of people won't feel the same way. But that's okay, we take what we want from the lifestyle and try to do what works for us, not what works for everyone.

 

I just wanted you to know that you're not alone in your feelings about this.

[EvilMJ 65]

I have to be honest and say my first reaction was....Wow..those two have absolutely no consideration for the poor sucker that they are stringing along pretending to be a cheating wife. Now she wants to meet him.

 

 

You are putting the cart before the horse my friends, it sounds like you are caught up in the fun and excitement of something new and naughty like swinging that you forgot the all important first steps.

 

Communication...deciding what it is you are both looking for...are you ready for it. Do you want to do soft swap first...how are you going to deal your reactions if you see her with another man and get terribly jelouse?

 

I think you are going to put yourself in a bad situation ...how do you explain to this guy that you were both involved in the conversations on the computer and there is no one on one with the wife....do you think he might get a little upset. If you are going to find some honest people to swing with, I think you are going to have to be honest with other people as well.

 

This is not a flame. I think is great that you are your wife are interest in swinging. I just think you need to slow down and do a little communicating first

[BradAndJanet 70]

I agree with MJ here...

 

You see this all started with a little lie, that she was flirting alone, and now you've seen where that can lead. A tangled web and all that... I'm not trying to be hard on you; I think you can see it as well as I can.

 

As hard as it is, I think you should level with the guy, who is probably going to bolt, and then have a serious talk with your partner about the whole thing and where you want to go from here. Maybe you can have your cake and eat it to, by letting her indulge her fantasy with other men, but in an open manner where all parties know the score.

 

-B

[NotsoNew 17]

I agree with Brad and Janet on this one. If you want to indulge in this kind of fantasy, than all parties should know what to expect.

 

And I can understand your concerns - I can imagine that once things get too familiar (with one person in the couple) it can be a bit threatening to the other person.

 

But the question also comes down to if you two are ready for this. Swinging that is. You indicated that at first she was not interested in being with another man, but now it seems that once she got into the intial fantasy, she is.

 

What do YOU want? Have you changed your mind about swinging because of this incident?

 

You really need to talk with her to get your feelings out in the open. This would also be a good time to discuss where you are both going to go from here. If you both decide to give swinging a try, you must do so together. And set your rules together.

 

Perhaps you should consider a club for your first time. This way, you have an easy way out if unsure.

 

As stated in posts above, honesty is key to swinging along with great communication with your partner. Talk to her and find out how she feels. Make sure she knows how you feel.

 

Good luck and let us know how you make out.

[JustAskJulie 2,595]

The biggest red flag I see here is that this guy doesn't know the truth. Him thinking that she's fooling around on you can lead to all kinds of trouble and him attempting to go down a path that shouldn't happen - granted he could attempt that even if he knew the truth but is more likely to be deceitful towards you when he thinks that she is.

 

As far as her chatting with someone in general goes, it sounds to me like it's not her that is excluding you but you excluding yourself. You said that you are usually still right there next to her you just aren't involved in the talking now. Why is that? Is it because they are doing more chit-chat now than cyber-chat? Did you get bored with it?

 

I would suggest that if nothing else, she should tell him the truth about what is going on, with you sitting there next to her - doing it together.

[Guest smileytattoo]

I met a single guy on a different message board, we email back and forth everyday, he knows I tell hubby everything about our emails and leave them in my mail box for a few days if hubby wants to read them. I even mailed this gentleman a pair of my panties! We trade nudie pics back and forth, and I call it harmless fun. the other guy knows that if we were EVER to meet it would be for dinner only and hubby would be there as well! Our #1 rule is that we are a couple, no singles. I consider the other guy a good friend of mine, and we talk about lots of stuff, not just sex. But the bottom line is that if I ever felt it made hubby uncomfortable in any way, I would stop. Hubby is very secure in the fact that the other guy is just a friend, and hubby knows that all he would have to do is say the word and the other guy is history.

So I guess, I'm asking you... do you trust your girlfriend? Is your relationship strong enough that if you tell her to stop she will? If not, well then you have bigger problems hun!. Good luck.

[JnCC 24]

We've always been good communicators and I let her know that one of my fantasies was to see her with another man. She really was not that interested, but frequently indulged my fantasy through sexy pillow-talk and role-playing. I have to admit it got me REALLY going.

So it was YOU that opened the door to "other men," and she no doubt saw the excitement it brought to YOU when she contacted them. So far, so good.

 

at some point along the way, I started to feel a little bit excluded. It started off with us both chatting. (i.e., she would ask "what should I type next!"), it moved into her chatting a little more one-on-one, and then moved into her chatting completely on her own...This started to bother me and I started feeling pangs of jealousy

As it should. She's formed a relationship with this man that is beginning to function pretty much independent of you. Just because she's not having sex with him doesn't mean she's not thinking about having sex with him. And just as she has been keeping secrets from him up until now ("my husband doesn't know about this") what you're sensing is that she is now starting to keep secrets from you. You're probably right about that. You sent her out to find a man, and she did. And just as there were originally things about your relationship with her that she didn't share with him, there are beginning to be things about her relationship with him that she isn't sharing with you. That's how relationships work...via the carefully and compassionately apportioned sharing of "truth" between two people...and why it's so hard to maintain more than one true "relationship" at a time. Her behavior is very normal for a woman that's starting to find herself balanced between the conflicting interests of 2 different men.

 

Don't feel bad. Houdini didn't tell Blackstone everything either...

 

She surreptitiously asked if he would be up for an MFM meeting, but he declined.

Well of course he declined. What does he need you for? Your interest in this whole affair is to fulfill this "voyeuristic/cuckholding" fantasy that you have. His interest in it is to ride your girlfriend like a cheap dirt bike. Having you present could only put a damper on his performance, and on what he has planned for her...alone.

 

He may be closer to getting it than you realize.

 

I would really feel like an overprotective ass if I let something as illogical as this get in the way. She's let her feelings be known that she thinks this is completely benign and safe situation that she would like to continue, and honestly I have to agree with that assessment.

There's nothing "overprotective" about trying to restore your relationship with your girlfriend, especially when you realize that she's beginning to form one with another man. "Illogical" is another matter. You've encouraged her to enter into this other relationship. It seems a little late to ponder the "illogical" nature of what you've set into motion, don't you think?

 

It probably also gets me that this guy thinks he is fooling around with my girlfriend without my knowledge.

Well, WTF is the guy supposed to think???

 

Talk about "games!"... You've meticulously crafted this whole thing, and now you're upset by it?

 

Sorry, I'm not buying into that. I think you're happy as can be. In fact, I don't think you're "complaining" at all.

 

I think you're bragging...

[LikeMinds321 1,527]

 

She had led the guy to believe that she was playing around without my knowledge.

When I got to this line, any chance you had for commiseration from me flew right out the window.

 

LM

[twoplayful2 16]

Ditch the cyber thing and take her to a cool swingers club somewhere. She will forget all about this guy in a snap. If you feel you should, send him a note explaining things a little bit and leave it at that. I wouldn't worry too much about it though, he was ready to secretly meet up with a married woman, he's not the kind of person I'd be concerned with. Games were played on both sides, I'm sure he's used to getting ditched online, he will get over it. If it were me though, I'd be feeling uncomfortable about it and would make some decision on it before it went any further.

[Botcpl 15]

I think you two should sit down and talk to each other. Remember this is a TEAM SPORT! You should level with the other guy, he should dump you like a used rag. When you play with matches.... Maybe you two need to step back and rethink the whole thing. Maybe the couple thing is the way to go, maybe the whole swinging thing should be on hold. People who play games are only happy when they're playing.

 

P

[graygo98 148]

Just a couple observations, look to JnCC for the tough love version.

 

You have to figure out what you want. If its really "cuckold/hot wife" come to terms with it and enjoy. You're on the right path.

 

If you want to have a swinging relationship with your SO you have a lot of work to do. Cause where you are today is not even close to anything we would call swinging.

 

Once you know what you really want, work it through with your SO. You don't seem to be on the same page now. If you don't get on it soon, your relationship could get really burned. Based on a lot of life experience, I think that JnCC's assessment of where your wife's head is at right now and what the other guy is going for rings pretty true.

[bear123 17]

OK, I believe I owe the forum an update.

Over the past few days I've come to realize that my concern was with myself and my reaction. How can I justify getting so turned on by this behavior yet still finding myself uncomfortable and jealous by it? What sort of crazy mixed signals was I giving my poor girlfriend?

Anyway, after sorting out my feelings and reading all your helpful messages I've come to terms with this and I'm now much more comfortable. I've learned that jealousy doesn't really follow logical rules and cannot be reasoned with. It just happens, and when it does the only escape is communication and periodic infusions of trust.

She now looks out for me while she's online. If I start to look uncomfortable, she stops. I've sworn to let her know when I feel uncomfortable and not just go brood in a corner. It's worked out well and in fact, since we put those ground rules in place, I've not felt uncomfortable or jealous at all...

As for the guy, I suppose I never did take his viewpoint into account and it wasn't particularly fair. I'll leave it to her if she wishes to disclose her true situation. Honestly though, (and I'm sure I'll get flamed for this) having been a 23 year old single guy trying to pick up girls in a chat room in the past, this guy has ended up with a lot more than he's really expected. He's been able to chat with a REAL woman who is REALLY into him who has sent REAL pictures to him and has had REAL cyber-sex with him. She's actually never lied to him. In fact, she's told him numerous times that I'm sitting right next to her, but he brushes those comments off as a joke. (OK,OK, just to keep the flames down, I KNOW it's still deceitful)

Thanks for all your advice and help. This forum is fantastic...

[Guest Mr&Mrs-naughty]

I decided to create a new account to post this message. I know that's not a good sign right off the bat.....

 

I am curious.......

 

Are you an active member under another name who created this account & user name to remain anonymous with your question?

 

Or did interpret that statement wrong?

 

[Miss_Piggy 98]

I'm sure bear123 will have an explanation but I'll chime in anyway.

 

I took him to mean that since he shares an account with his wife he is posting "anonymously" out of respect for her. He's trying not to air their dirty laundry in too obvious a way.

[confunktion 20]

Nice call, Miss Piggy. That's what I was thinking, too.

 

Thanks for the update, Bear. I wish you the best of luck!

 

Mr. Funk

Riding on Miss Piggy's coattails...just call me Fozzie

[Guest Mr&Mrs-naughty]

I wasn't asking him to "out" himself. I was wondering if he was a new member or just posting under a new name for the reasons Miss Piggy mentioned.

[twoplayful2 16]

She now looks out for me while she's online. If I start to look uncomfortable, she stops.

 

That's great, she seems like a pretty cool girl! And I'm with you on the single guy thing 100%. It might not be as PC, but I'd rather be realistic.

[SadieSuhan 15]

She had led the guy to believe that she was playing around without my knowledge.

 

I'm curious. What was it that she said to make him think she was "cheating"?

 

 

In fact, she's told him numerous times that I'm sitting right next to her, but he brushes those comments off as a joke. (OK,OK, just to keep the flames down, I KNOW it's still deceitful)

 

This also makes me wonder what it is she's said to lead him to believe you're clueless to the whole thing. If she has said you're sitting there at times and he doesn't believe her, my thought is that it's from something she's said in the past.

 

As you've said, he's the innocent one here and should not be blamed for his thoughts and feelings. But if thoughts and feelings are to come into play (and they should), then honesty MUST play a factor. Have you been seen on cam during regular chats? When she says you're there and in fact you are, do you show your face and let him know you're part of things at that moment?

 

I know it may be difficult because what seems to be a good online friendship for your wife may be lost, but total honesty is the way to go (in my opinion). If she lets him know the situation, that you've known all along and this is a fantasy, he may be receptive to it. He's already aware that she's had thoughts of threesomes. He said he's not into it, and I'll assume he's aware this will only ever be an online thing. With that in mind it may be easy for him to play into your fantasy as he has unknowingly all along. Who knows! Being the "backdoor man" may be a turn on for him and things can continue with everyone's fantasies being satisfied!

 

Good luck and great sex!