Power or control?

[Need Female 15]

Hi. Single male here, No swinging experience. I've read several places where the "husband" has stated "he" has final say over who his wife "engages" with. Since when does the husband own the wife? I say the wife has the final say so about how, when, etc. Also, if the wife tells the "single male" it's okay to "touch" her or whatever, does that mean the hubby can say "hands off"? Somethings amiss here.

[WesternSwing 504]

You are looking at it from a one-sided approach. In a swinger's relationship there is mutual respect between the partners, and usually each has equal veto power. If one is not comfortable with the situation, then the other respects their feelings. It's not saying the husband "owns" the wife, but simply that if he is uncomfortable with the playmate or the activities that she respects it and disengages. The same happens if the tables were turned and the wife was uncomfortable with the husband's choice of females, or an activity he was engaging in with her. It has nothing to do with power or control, but respect for your spouse.

 

I would say most swingers are pretty opened-minded and not much phases them, but everybody gets bad vibes from somone sometimes, and everything being equal both members of the relationship has the right to say "you know what, something here is making me uncomfortable/this person is creepy/the person grosses me out/etc."

 

Mr. WS

[Vespertine 31]

You are looking at it from a one-sided approach. In a swinger's relationship there is mutual respect between the partners, and usually each has equal veto power. If one is not comfortable with the situation, then the other respects their feelings. It's not saying the husband "owns" the wife, but simply that if he is uncomfortable with the playmate or the activities that she respects it and disengages. The same happens if the tables were turned and the wife was uncomfortable with the husband's choice of females, or an activity he was engaging in with her. It has nothing to do with power or control, but respect for your spouse.

Double Dito

 

This is exactly our arrangement too, wouldn't have it any other way.

[good times 991]

Same for us, we have very few rules but number one is either one of us can veto a potential playmate if we have bad vibes about them.

[DBL D 120]

I'd say you do need a female! She'd let you know all about it.

 

We are talking about the well balanced couples. In every "society" there are those who don't fit the norm. I'd say you got some bad info somewhere. We generally look at everything as a team. It looks different when you view it that way.

 

Male D

[VegasLee 1,486]

A very long, long, long time ago when I was 13 years old I realized that women run this world. Since then I have had a great life.

 

Now being in the lifestyle most of my adult life I have not seen anything that can prove my first statement here wrong. Women are in control of the Lifestyle just as they are life in general.

 

Do Laura and I have a partnership? Yep. but bottom line is what the women want the women get.

 

She is not mine to tell no, she is her own person and she will tell me and all others what she will and will not do.

[dutch51 15]

In a swinger's relationship there is mutual respect between the partners, and usually each has equal veto power. If one is not comfortable with the situation, then the other respects their feelings. It's not saying the husband "owns" the wife, but simply that if he is uncomfortable with the playmate or the activities that she respects it and disengages. The same happens if the tables were turned and the wife was uncomfortable with the husband's choice of females, or an activity he was engaging in with her. It has nothing to do with power or control, but respect for your spouse.

 

 

We've got to agree with WesternSwing. We only swing with couples, but we *both* have to agree on both people (just like hopefully they both agree on both of us). We've cut contact with people whom one of us really liked, but the other one of us just wasn't comfortable with, and in all those cases, we turned out to have done the right thing. We don't play alone either, but if we did, it would have to be with someone that we were both comfortable with.

 

Hubby said something to a friend the other night that I really liked. He said said neither of us own the other; I am not his wife, like a piece of property, but I am his wife and we each deserve the respect that goes along with that.

[intuition897 2,179]

You are looking at it from a one-sided approach. In a swinger's relationship there is mutual respect between the partners, and usually each has equal veto power. If one is not comfortable with the situation, then the other respects their feelings. It's not saying the husband "owns" the wife, but simply that if he is uncomfortable with the playmate or the activities that she respects it and disengages. The same happens if the tables were turned and the wife was uncomfortable with the husband's choice of females, or an activity he was engaging in with her. It has nothing to do with power or control, but respect for your spouse.

 

Mr. WS

 

This response belongs in an FAQ section or something! I can't think of a more perfect way to say it. The idea of relinquishing control completely to another person is so foreign to those who have never embraced it that it's often difficult to explain. To them it just doesn't seem possible that any one person could be trusted so completely.

[CB_n_Red 16]

Same for us - we both have power of veto, though it doesn't seem to need using very often. I guess that's because we both have a pretty good idea of what each other wants anyway.

 

For us the veto thing only really applies with couple/couple meets. At the club it works rather differently, due to the nature of the club.

 

CB

[Spoomonkey 421]

Yet another Dito for WS!

 

Great post!

 

But - it is early, so I'll be redundant...

 

Mrs Spoomonkey has given me the "what do you think" look before - only to get the "not with that creep" head shake. I don't own her - and she is very much free to do what she wants. In fact, she very well could just shrug her shoulders, grab said creep by the hand and stroll upstairs without me...

 

I'm not exactly going to grab her by the hair and force her to stay put...

 

And, very likely, that series of events would lead to the tragic collapse of a beautiful love story

 

I don't foresee it happening - and here is why...

 

You see - we aren't in the lifestyle so Mrs Spoo can meet other guys. We are in the lifestyle for us - because we enjoy it TOGETHER. If either of us isn't comfortable with a situation, we can cast our veto. As was said above, it's not about ownership - it's about respect. Without a deep love for each other and an even deeper respect, couples don't survive in this lifestyle.

 

If you ever run across a couple where the wife tells her husband to go fuck himself, she's going upstairs with you whether he likes it or not, be wary - you have just stumbled into a problem that you don't want to be a part of...

 

Spoomonkey

[Vespertine 31]

 

If you ever run across a couple where the wife tells her husband to go fuck himself, she's going upstairs with you whether he likes it or not, be wary - you have just stumbled into a problem that you don't want to be a part of...

 

Spoomonkey

Double Dito

 

(For the sake of redundancy)

[graygo98 148]

Just when I thought WS had said it all, Mr. Spoo comes up with the perfect nuance.

 

Put those two answers together and you have described exactly how we feel about the lifestyle. We are in it for us... for the joy we get from each other when we are in such sexually charged territory. People that feed that feeling we love to be with. If they (or one of them,) don't (doesn't) then we just don't go there. Its got nothing to do with one "owning" the other, its about us and our choices.

 

Now, as I am getting truly redundant, have a good morning all...

[northindycpl 32]

You see - we aren't in the lifestyle so Mrs Spoo can meet other guys. We are in the lifestyle for us - because we enjoy it TOGETHER. If either of us isn't comfortable with a situation, we can cast our veto. As was said above, it's not about ownership - it's about respect. Without a deep love for each other and an even deeper respect, couples don't survive in this lifestyle.

 

If you ever run across a couple where the wife tells her husband to go fuck himself, she's going upstairs with you whether he likes it or not, be wary - you have just stumbled into a problem that you don't want to be a part of...

 

Spoomonkey

 

Yup... Dito Dito Dito

[Need Female 15]

I am sure glad I opened this thread. Y'all sure set me straight. But maybe it works the other way too. Seems like VegasLee had it right. Women run the world. "Behind every great man there's a greater woman". What's behind every great woman? Not too many great men for sure. Because men don't want women to be greater! LOL Seriously, thanks a bunch to y'all.

[DBL D 120]

...What's behind every great woman? Not too many great men for sure. Because men don't want women to be greater! ...

 

Most of us want our woman to feel like a "King".

 

Male D

[Spoomonkey 421]

Most of us want our woman to feel like a "King".

 

Male D

 

I'm happy when she feels the king...

 

...

 

...size mattress against her back!

 

Muahaha!!!

 

 

Spoomonkey (bad monkey)

[curiousagain 326]

I think males can see "bad news" guys a mile away and females can see "bad news" females a mile away. If a couple is swinging together, then they work as a couple and that is even closer than a team. If either one spots something before the other does that raises a red flag, they will tell or alert the other to it and both then exercise their veto power.

 

I keep preaching this and pounding the pulpit to all single guys. It's not a male and a female, it's a couple!! That's a whole world of difference. Married, living together, whatever, if they are functioning as a couple, they have to be treated that way

[biblonde 22]

Well with us we both decide who f***s with who! It is agreed upon before hand . But in all honesty I AM THE QUEEN and I just let him think he is the king of his castle..he he he. But really in this lifestyle most are decided as a couple..neither one really is in total control. If one doesnt like someone well...that means NO...not gonna play with them. And I for one trust if my hubby doesnt like someone and he trusts me if I say I dont trust or wanna play with them.

 

my 2 cents for the day

[JustAskJulie 2,595]

To me it comes down to this. Guys tend to be much better judges of other guys, just as women tend to be much better judges of other women. That alone should be enough reason for a man to defer to his wife's judgement on a woman he wants to sleep with and vice versa.

[DBL D 120]

This is interesting. It seems that most are choosing their SO's partner. I thought it was like, "You like her? I'm not sure of her." Now I see it's more like, "I like her. You don't like her?" And if I don't like the guy then it's off? I leave that decision on the guys to her and she leaves the gals to me, for the most part.

 

I used to feel like she needed to like the guy and I have to like the gal and then it's a match...if they both like us. Now I'm confused. Am I gonna have to change my thinking again?

 

Male D

[Spoomonkey 421]

I leave that decision on the guys to her and she leaves the gals to me, for the most part.

 

Certainly everyone approaches this stuff a little (or a LOT) differently. But, honestly, I don't have to really "like" the guy, per se... But, if I get a bad vibe, then it just isn't worth making it an issue; there are other people to play with...

 

And if not - HAVE YOU SEEN MY WIFE???

 

 

Woo-Hoo!

 

We play together, so it is pretty important that we all get along in the room. There isn't any "we go here, you go there". For us, we need a four person connection with a couple and I need to be able to like a single guy for a threesome...

 

Spoomonkey

[JustAskJulie 2,595]

I don't know I think for most (and it was for me and my ex) it's more like all's cool unless there is an issue. There's no "I like her, do you like her?" or "I like him, is he cool with you?". It's more like game on unless someone has a problem at which point they pipe in with "I'm not so sure about her" or "something bothers me about him" - "I'd rather you not".

[biblonde 22]

And if not - HAVE YOU SEEN MY WIFE???

 

well parts of her spoo and yup WOOOHOOO she is a hottie...

 

..I like hubby to like the guy and for me to like the girl. After all there has to be a trust there if we are all gonna have sex. There is a safety factor too....any incling that they have problems and they are out the door (or we are!!!) We try not to second guess our feelings so if one feels even a little uncomfy...the party is over!!

[biblonde 22]

Oh and spoo your a cute little monkey too!!!

[DBL D 120]

This is all so true. What the hell am I even talking about?

 

It's got to be group sanctioned or no go. We both have to like Both of Them!

 

See? I re-thunk it already.

 

Male D

[JustAskJulie 2,595]

Hi. Single male here, No swinging experience. I've read several places where the "husband" has stated "he" has final say over who his wife "engages" with. Since when does the husband own the wife? I say the wife has the final say so about how, when, etc. Also, if the wife tells the "single male" it's okay to "touch" her or whatever, does that mean the hubby can say "hands off"? Somethings amiss here.

 

If the hubby is saying no, and she says yes then it's the same as cheating. Same thing if the roles were reversed. And if the roles are reversed then yes the woman should also have final say over any woman that the man will be with.

[flkeyscouple 21]

You are looking at it from a one-sided approach. In a swinger's relationship there is mutual respect between the partners, and usually each has equal veto power. If one is not comfortable with the situation, then the other respects their feelings. It's not saying the husband "owns" the wife, but simply that if he is uncomfortable with the playmate or the activities that she respects it and disengages. The same happens if the tables were turned and the wife was uncomfortable with the husband's choice of females, or an activity he was engaging in with her. It has nothing to do with power or control, but respect for your spouse.

 

I'll go with a big Dito and a for Mr. WS - and it was almost two years ago! It's still worded perfectly.

 

Sarah

[ShellyM 0]

Hi. Single male here, No swinging experience. I've read several places where the "husband" has stated "he" has final say over who his wife "engages" with. Since when does the husband own the wife? I say the wife has the final say so about how, when, etc. Also, if the wife tells the "single male" it's okay to "touch" her or whatever, does that mean the hubby can say "hands off"? Somethings amiss here.

 

This is what we say. Jay IS first base, as I am first base for him. Seriously, if you want to get into my panties Jay is going to know who you are and will be comfortable with you...same for women with him. Its not about control. Its about respect, and the fact that he is my husband. No matter what, it comes down to the fact that Jay is my husband and life mate, and I am not going to screw any man he is not comfortable with. Thats where SO MANY single men get messed up. They think its "her body", which of course it is. However, when you are dealing with a married couple its more "their body" vs. just hers. Showing the husband respect is KEY in being included in thier relationship.

[oddcouple2841 16]

This is K (the male)

 

First let me say that I really have no idea about your sexual preferences but that we are open to lone males or females but make it clear in our profile that these will be exclusivley MMF or FFM were the single must play with both of us. We do not put this restriction on couples or solos with couples. I am afraid also that since I am going active participant that I look at all prospective guys through "bi goggles". Sorry but if I do not feel the slightest attraction or the guy makes it clear that he is str8 then I feel it is my right to veto. S is very open to all body types of guys but I am very particular about other guys and really only accepting of smaller, reletively thin guys without much body hair under 45. It is nothing against the ones who don't fit that profile they just don't interest me.

[TNT 1,155]

I don't know I think for most (and it was for me and my ex) it's more like all's cool unless there is an issue. There's no "I like her, do you like her?" or "I like him, is he cool with you?". It's more like game on unless someone has a problem at which point they pipe in with "I'm not so sure about her" or "something bothers me about him" - "I'd rather you not".

 

 

This is the way it is with us....we both have a power of veto but, it's a power that was given, not taken or assumed.

 

 

TNT

[Couple_N_Ark 39]

We play with more single men than we do women or couples. Most generally I do most of the talking and email answering, and then I'll talk to Lisa about possibly meeting someone.

 

Our preference though is to meet others in a club setting.

 

Either of us have veto power over who to play with, even if it's me saying no to Lisa about a man she wants to play with.

 

A good example was on our last trip to Atlanta. We were at the Trapeze Club there. To go into the back room area where most couples play, you have to disrobe. You can either wear a towel or nightie or nothing.

 

A couple was in an open play room having sex, and another man was there watching, and touching. We went into the room to watch, and the couple having sex invited us to touch if we wanted. Lisa had a great time since touching another female is such a turn on for her.

 

Anyhow, the "odd man out" who was there touching was also getitng handsy with Lisa, which was ok. As things progressed the "odd man out" suggested to Lisa that he'd like to have sex with her, and Lisa was ok with it, but I wasn't, and told her no. She was fine with that decision.

 

NOW, here is the reason....Earlier in the night, I had went back up to the front of the club which was mostly empty since everyone was in the back. While I was up there I did see this same guy arguing with his wife/girlfriend. She was still in "street clothes" and he was in a towel.

 

He left her sitting in the front crying. He told us / Lisa that he was single and there alone. I was simply not comfortable with the situation. I kind of got the feeling that she did not want to be there.

 

Later when I explained why to Lisa, she was in total agreement. We just always think two opinions are better than one.

[Tia Vampire 167]

If there are rule put into place before play start, the husband should not have too much to say unless he is jealous of the guy the wife picks or he knows from work or something like that. We won't mess with a couple we work with or knowwell from around here.

[Guest MrsVan]

I agree with everyone else that has posted.. In this lifestyle neither the husband or the wife controls the other. We seek approval not control as we want to make sure that both are comfortable with the individual or individual's that we are allowing into our sex life.

 

If either one of us is uncomfortable or gets the "weird" vibe from anyone that we may potentially play with then we talk about it and decide on what is best for us. If there is a couple that the husband gives me that "weird" vibe, then we do not play with them.

 

MrVan has no control over me and if he is not comfortable with a single guy that we are checking out to join us then we move on, no questions asked. It has nothing to do with MrVan being jealous of the guy because MrVan is the one that has me, not the other guy.

 

MrsVan

[MoonLightKiss 28]

I agree with the others. My husband and I both have veto power over any playmates. But its not control. Its respect given to each other. I give him the power of veto just like he gives it to me. Its because we love each other and don't want to do anything to make the other uncomfortable.