Wife no longer interested in swinging

[Shoreguy67 15]

Hey all! i live on the jersey shore and my wife and i used to post here under a different name. so i'm not exactly a newbie.

 

anyway, my wife and i used to go to swing clubs but she lost interest bout 4 years ago and we haven't been back since. we never swapped but we liked to watch and be watched. along with some innocent rubbing with whatever other couples were next to us. i loved it, but like i said, she lost interest.

 

i miss it and i can't seem to talk her back into it. we never had a bad experience or anything, she's just stubborn like that. our sex life is still fine but i have always been wilder and more open-minded than her when it comes to things like this.

 

she is not bi at all! i experimented a little way back in college. i always hoped to keep my sex life fun and interesting and open to new ideas. but my wife really doesn't go for it and would probably lead to major trouble if she knew my fantasies.

 

i'd still like to have 3-somes or 4-somes with my wife, but that doesn't seem like it's ever gonna happen again.

 

so, i don't know what to do. i'm not gay by any means, just very sexual. i pretty much figure that if it feels good, do it!

 

my wife and i have a happy marriage, besides my sexual frustration. and i hate the thought of cheating on her. but at this point, if she doesn't want to go further and i want to keep trying new things...see, i don't know what to do.

 

i thought about maybe looking for another couple close by me in NJ who may be into a discreet relationship with a bi guy, but i think the guilt would probably bother me. like i said, i'm still interested in fulfilling my fantasies and exploring new thinga and it's awful to think that it's all over already at age 37! i thoght it would be interseting if i could find a married couple and even just be with the husband while the wife watches. that idea really turns me on as much as anything else.

 

ah, well. there it is. am i alone in this situation or what? feel free to give me your ideas, opinions and brandishments. i can take it!

[northindycpl 32]

IMHO, I think there is a reason that your wife lost interest, and it sounds like she hasn't shared it with you yet. I would be curious as to why she hasn't wanted to share it with you yet?

 

Since this is something that means so much to you, have you tried to maybe go to therapy and figure out what is going on? I would hate to see you cheat, or be unhappy, and I feel the same for her.

[Shoreguy67 15]

nope, nothing bad happened. believe me. she can be like that. when she loses interest insomething, it's done. she super stubborn like that. it can be a restaurant, a park, etc...

[Vespertine 31]

Have you shared your frustrations with her?

 

I don't think it would be a good idea to play alone without her permission, that could lead to further problems if your extracurricular activities were discovered.

 

Why not simply ask her if you can venture out on your own and explore some things.

[CB_n_Red 16]

That's a tough one, particularly considering how young you are. But I agree with Vespertine that going behind your wife's back wouldn't be a great idea. Yes, talk to her about your feelings. What have you got to lose by being honest with her?

 

Cb

[JnCC 24]

There are people who regard marriage almost like a "contract" that comes up for renewal every 5-10 years. Sometimes, things are going well, and the "contract" is silently renewed without changes. Other times, a couple wants to renew the contract, but one or both parties want some changes in it. (My kid's mom wanted me to join her in becoming "Born again," and I wanted her to get her face out of the pie tins and lose 50#, for instance)

 

If you're lucky, she'll know what changes she wants. If you're really lucky, she'll let you know what changes she wants as well. And if you're really, really lucky, whatever "middle ground" you agree upon is something you can both live with. A good therapist can help you with the answers to all this, or you can ignore the problem, and pay the lawyers later. It's your call...

 

I wouldn't get anybody else involved (I.E., have an affair) right now. I've been there and done that, and all it does is shift your focus away from what needs to be done to get your marriage back on track. It's like jumping a motorcycle or doing a flip off a high dive...you'll first need to believe you can do it, and then be 100% committed to doing it, for it to have any chance of success.

 

Yea, 37 is wayyy too young to be locked into a tits-up marriage. Good luck to you...

[Shoreguy67 15]

oh, my marriage is not in trouble or anything like that. and there's no way i can explain to her what i'd still like to do. i'm basically stuck, i guess.

[CowboynVixen 16]

You have to understand the difference between swinging and cheating too. If you were to begin cheating, you would no longer be a swinger and you would have a huge hard time trying to get with swingers. There would be red flags up all over you.

 

We wish you all the best in your decisions going forward.

[SussexCouple 15]

Our advise would be to get it out in the open. People are always saying communication is the most important aspect of this lifestyle. I agree with northindycpl that she hasn't told you her feelings on the subject yet. Open discussion is the only way to go.

 

MrSC - I have felt in the past that previous partners have 'gone along' with my interests (sexual or otherwise) on the grounds that I will lose interest in it eventually and therefore avoid confrontation by saying "no" directly to my face.

 

Talk about it - a frustrating relationship is worse than no relationship in our opinion.

 

Oh - we forgot if you feel the need to cheat - discuss those feelings or begin to think how you can both move on. The longer you wait the worse it will get.

[Vespertine 31]

oh, my marriage is not in trouble or anything like that. and there's no way i can explain to her what i'd still like to do. i'm basically stuck, i guess.

If you can't/won't communicate to your wife that you're needing a more developed sex life, and if you think it would lead to major troubles if she learned of your fantasies, then you're pretty much stuck.

[Nymph an' Satyr 22]

Yes, I agree- VegasLee has spoken with MUCH wisdom.

[intuition897 2,179]

Shoreguy, you've received a lot of good advice here. I must agree.

 

If you cannot communicate your needs to your wife, you need to do some serious thinking about the state of your relationship, and why that is so impossible. It's my opinion that each person in a marriage has an obligation to let the other person know exactly what he or she needs out of that relationship. Respecting your own needs and desire for happiness is not just your right, it's your responsibility. Anything less than that is unfair to your spouse; they can't read minds, eh? My advice would be to do the 'impossible' and tell her what you are feeling and what you fear will happen if your needs are not being met.

 

*Keeping in mind of course that some level of compromise is always going to be necessary.

 

We wish you luck.

[HotMoCpl 20]

Okay, now listen carefully. C O M M U N I C A T I O N ! ! If you feel the need to talk to her, then talk. Just don't go around her. After awhilie I think you'll figure out what you two have got, but you have to communicate.

 

Good luck.

[Shoreguy67 15]

our marriage is fine, really! we comminucate fine as well. you just have to admit, sex can be a touchy subject and i'm looking for a plate to be broken over my head! it'a just that i'm more adventurous when it comes to this. if it never happens again, i can live with it. it's just too bad that it may never happen again, and that i may never get to fulfill some fantasies. but that's life. can't say that i'm miserable. it's not like i've never been there!

 

thanx all for your advice!

[Vespertine 31]

if it never happens again, i can live with it. it's just too bad that it may never happen again, and that i may never get to fulfill some fantasies. but that's life. can't say that i'm miserable.

That's a healthy outlook to have.

 

I think we all have something that we fantasize about that we know we'll never do.These fantasies don't even have to be sexual in nature. It's healthy to have fantasies and there's nothing wrong with having them. They are your thoughts, and if you don't feel comfortable sharing them with your significant other, there's nothing wrong with that either. You just make sure you don't try making them a reality without sharing with your partner first.

[Dr Jekyll 15]

It's one of those damned if you do, damned if you don't scenarios. You have this fantasy that she once went along with, now she won't.

 

If you remain silent it'll never happen, if you speak up, you sleep on the couch.

 

I'd try to speak to her. Approach the topic very carefully and try to keep things calm. The point being that if you never speak to her about it, you'll never know why or how she feels. Sex is a very touchy subject when your sexlife isn't 100%. But just ignoring it won't fix a thing, and you're even contemplating cheating on your wife... Which is very bad indeed.

 

Sleeping on the couch isn't fun, but sometimes it's the only way.

[Shoreguy67 15]

 

I think we all have something that we fantasize about that we know we'll never do.

 

yeah, i guess you mean like wishing we could lay our own eggs so we don't have to go out to the grocery for them anymore. that and the one about the anteater. but anyway...

 

 

i DO still bring it up. i pester her about it all the time. i think she just wants to bust my nuts.

[Dr Jekyll 15]

i DO still bring it up. i pester her about it all the time.

This I think might be the biggest root of your problem. Women, pressure and sex don't do well together. It might have been a word choice thing, but somehow I doubt it. You'll need to choose, it's the one or the other... If she doesn't want to swing if you've been talking to her, nothing you say after months of "pestering" is going to change that.

 

i think she just wants to bust my nuts.

Why in the world would she want to bust your nuts if your relationship was 100% ok? I get a lot of bad vibes from you saying that things are NOT ok, yet you insist it is... Maybe you should really stand back and take an excruciatingly honest look at your relationship, you may not like what you see, but acknowledging a problem is always the first step in fixing it.

 

You may be the one standing between you and that exciting sexlife...

[NJ Couple 15]

there really aren't any problems! i believe she just likes to have her own way and kinda tease me about it. there is NO animosity in our swing club debates. i think if i'm able to find a good one around where we live she'll go. anyone here know of any round these parts?

[Miss_Piggy 98]

Wow. Now I'm confused. First you say she's super stubborn and won't change her mind and now you think if you pick a club she'll go. I'm really lost on this one.

[Vespertine 31]

Wow. Now I'm confused. First you say she's super stubborn and won't change her mind and now you think if you pick a club she'll go. I'm really lost on this one.

Dito

 

Me too....

[NJ Couple 15]

she doesn't want to go. the club we used to go to is far away now because me moved. i hope that if i keep buggin her and i find a club closer by, i'll still have a chance!

 

oh yeah. njshoreguy is my personal account, my wife and i share this one. not to worry, she's forgotten about this...i think/hope!

[intuition897 2,179]

she doesn't want to go. the club we used to go to is far away now because me moved. i hope that if i keep buggin her and i find a club closer by, i'll still have a chance!

 

oh yeah. njshoreguy is my personal account, my wife and i share this one. not to worry, she's forgotten about this...i think/hope!

 

Hey no worries here! I'm hoping that you're not worried that she'll see this either. What's the worst that's going to happen? She'll see this and realize that there is a problem that needs to be sorted out. How you guys choose to handle the situation will ultimately determine how it will work out. The truth will eventually make itself known, whether you want it to or not.

 

I sound like a friggin' fortune cookie... :rollseyes

[NJ Couple 15]

actually, my wife does go through here once in a while. i'm not worried. she's not the type to freak out anyway. the worst that'll happen is she'll tell me to get over it!

 

i love fortune cookies! sometimes they end up being better than the meal!

[Miss_Piggy 98]

i hope that if i keep buggin her and i find a club closer by, i'll still have a chance!

 

Good luck with that...

 

I really think it's best for you to look back at some of the advise that has been given to you here already. Communicate with your wife. This means listening to her as well as telling her your feelings.

[Dr Jekyll 15]

Communicate with your wife. This means listening to her as well as telling her your feelings.

Dito You seem to do the talking thing really well... Try listening, it's normally the hard part.

[JustAskJulie 2,595]

I can't help but wonder if she lost interest, simply because she felt like you were a little TOO interested. It sounds like all you guys did was some soft swinging/ voyeurism stuff and perhaps that's all she was ever interested in doing, but you were pushing for more (I'm guessing you wanted more then since it's obvious you want more than that now), and she finally had enough of that and decided that she'd rather not do any of it and not tease you with a little bit when she wasn't going to give you all of what you desired.

 

Basically, yes your swinging life is over - if she's not interested, then your swinging life is over.

[NJ Couple 15]

nope, pretty much all i was, and am, interested in was soft-swinging. we both had a good time when we went. she's more self-conscious after we had a baby but because the club is so far away now it's also a hassle. i think the main issue is inconvenience.

[twoplayful2 16]

Kinda weird, you say nothing is wrong with the marriage but there seems to be plenty. Communication, obviously, but also when you mention the possibility of cheating you say you'd feel guilty but then you start right in on these cheating scenarios that would turn you on. You also don't really say anything about what your cheating might do to her and to your relationship. Decide what's most important first. If it's the wild sex at the club stuff and you can't work it out, then split up instead of cheating. What's the point of cheating? If you've got to cheat on someone then you need to find someone else you dont have to cheat on. If she's more important then you talk about it and try to work something out. If it can't be worked out then you live with it, that's all. I just don't see how cheating is a legit option at all.

[JustAskJulie 2,595]

There's a lot of what you "think" is going on here, but little ofwhat you know. The only way you are going to truely address this issue is with your wife, by talking to her and really listening to her - communication - and based on the fact that you think a lot of things but don't seem to know them... I'd definately say that is lacking.

[NJ Couple 15]

i "think" this thread has gone out of control! worry not, all is cool.