Missed Wife's Signal and now she feels I broke a rule

[couple_ps 15]

Hello to all,

 

We are new here and would like to say hello to everyone and thank everyone for their contributions which can be of great help.

 

A little about ourselves. We are from Canada (immigrants) and have been in the lifestyle for a little bit less than two years with some experience so not completely newbies even though me, the hubby, sometimes get performance anxiety but I have read that this happens to a lot of people. Thanks for these postings very comforting to me. We are 28/25 but together for 8 yrs.

 

We have always had rules and we have respected them. For example, she is the one who decides if we are going to play with a particular couple or not. On one time, we were playing at our place. The other women and I were on one couch and the other guy and wife were on the other seat. At some point I said lets go to the room and I went there with the lady and were doing a 69, when wife and the other guy joined it. Later when they left she was mad at me saying we were never supposed to do separate room. I apologized but she was mad for the rest of the night and the next day.

 

This Saturday we went to a small party for the first time in our lives. There were 3 couples in all. We had some rules defined where she would blink her eyes twice and I should do the same for approval. She said she did that but I did not see it. The next thing I know is she was doing the whole thing. I was so pissed. I told her that and she realised that she did something wrong. We did not make a mess as we did not want to be rude. But at home I was very very angry. I cannot explain why. I did break rule once but it was not full but soft. For her it was full. For the next few days I was really angry with her. But yesterday I did talk to her as I do love her dont get me wrong. Now we are not into the "fighting" period anymore. If someone has lived something like that I would greatly appreciate their input as well as input from others please.

 

Thanks.

 

Patrick

[Vespertine 31]

Welcome to the board!

 

Looks like you and your wife need to clearly re-define your rules with each other.

 

Doing things like blinking, in theory, seems like it would work, but when you try to apply that in a real life situation, things can go awry (as you already know). It's too subtle to be an accurate signal, one easily missed.

 

I'd suggest you and your wife find a way to verbally communicate and define your boundaries prior to any physical activity taking place with any other partners.

 

More importantly, you both need to try not to hold a grudge if one of you is unhappy with an event that occurred while swinging. In all honestly, if you two are that easily angered... swinging may not be for you.

 

People make mistakes, especially when we dive into new territory and are still learning what works and what doesn't work for us.

 

You need to remember you're on the same team.

[N&G 207]

The advice here is simple. Don't change the rules in the middle of the game. Eye blinking? Just thinking about it sounds like something that would be miscommunicated. The time to talk about rules is before you go to the party.

[couple_ps 15]

Hello Vespertine,

Thanks a lot for the reply to my post. It was exactly what I needed to hear or read :-). Things have always been fine except for these two unfortunate experiences. We have always define our boundaries before doing anything. Unfortunately, the first time she did not hear me saying "let's go to the bedroom" and the second time I missed the "blinking". Like you said we now know that we need to find a way to communicate clearly. We both made a mistake as we were adventuring on new waters. It would be foolish to hold grudge against each other.

[couple_ps 15]

N&G,

Thanks for the advice...we did learn something (though the hard way). We are still much in love with each other and have been able to look back and analysed where we went wrong. What we liked and what we did not...etc....and what we need to do should we find ourselves in a party again. For now....we are takings things slowly with valentine around the corner and 8 days later we will be celebrating our 8th anniversary of the day our story began.

[JustAskJulie 2,595]

Hi Patrick,

 

To me it sounds like maybe it's not the rules that are the problem so much as that you need to find a better way to communicate with each other, whether non-verbally or verbally regarding how the night is going and such.

 

Blinking would be a very hard sign to read because we all blink, all the time, so it would be very easy to miss someone doing so, or to missread and think that someone is saying yes when in fact they just have something in their eye.

[confunktion 20]

Blinking would be a very hard sign to read because we all blink, all the time, so it would be very easy to miss someone doing so, or to missread and think that someone is saying yes when in fact they just have something in their eye.

For those of us who have contacts, they can sometimes be a b*tch at very inopportune times, causing much blinking in an attempt to lubricate the lens.

 

Just have a sit-down and settle on a very specific system of communication that will be very tough to miss or misconstrue. Then stick to it. That should do the trick. Best of luck to you!

 

Mr. Funk

My kingdom for some saline!!!

[couple_ps 15]

Dear Julie and Confunktion,

 

First of all, thank you for taking the time to reply to my post, it is greatly appreciated.

 

We definitely found out that blinking as a way of communication does not work. We have worked on some other ways of communicating. Some decisions are:

> We will never be too far away from the other.

> Does not matter how overwhelmed we are, we will say it whenever there is something that one of us does not like or does not approve. We will be discrete but will make sure the other one gets the point.

 

Anyway for the time being we are taking a break from the lifestyle to let things calm down and time does its job. The positive part out of all this is we have stopped everything and reassessed where we are and where we are going. What we can do to make our lives better etc.....

 

Our analysis of the situation at the party is:

>She was farther away from me (distance) than we have never been during previous play.

>In the past she always asked if everything was ok at various points. She did not do that on that night

>Plus the rule thing.

>She was overwhelmed, being the new couple and she was the centre of attraction.

>Party might not be for us. We prefer to be in one room with another couple where we have plenty of time to play with our respective partners and each others partners. This give her more opportunity to see me with another woman and me to see her with another man or worman.

 

I would lie if I say that I am totally over it now. It's gradually fading would be the right way of saying it.

 

Regards,

 

Patrick

[Two4funinpa 75]

I don't like the word rules...rules were meant to be broken...I think far and few between are the couples who have never broken there own rules sometime. It may have not been deliberate or meant to happen it just does.

 

Think more of it as guidlines.....know each others limits of what you are both comfortable with, keep it simple and basic. Talk over on what works for both of you and agree on that ahead of time.Trying to read each others minds is hard and unfair especially if you read it wrong.

Don't be afraid to talk to each other openly but respectfully even after an encounter has started, making sure if you question something, a simple are you ok is all it takes and make adjustments in the middle if necessary. If one person in the group is not happy about something everyone can feel the anxiety.

If you know what types of people interest's you and your partnerr or what you may be looking for or to try, it can rule out a lot who don't fit the plan right from the get go. Don't be afraid to excuse yourselves and go off privately and talk, chances are the others may need that too.

Also be ready and open to change, and adjust those guidlines as you grow into the lifestyle and become more open to new ideas and situations. It is all about changing and growing together, having fun together at your own pace.

[inbeachcouple 15]

I think its safe to say that all of us have made 'mistakes' along the way, some more severe than others. It seems like most people have added 'don't do this....' responses, but I'll add a 'good job at....'

 

Even though both of you have screwed up (doesn't matter who screwed up more than the other), you have gotten past your issues, and communicated what the problems were/are. Yes, you need to do a better job in setting up your guidelines for what is good and what isn't. I don't think it would be a reach for either of you to stop all action if you see or do something you don't like. As uncomfortable as it may be at the moment, it could really save you alot of headaches down the road. Keep reading up on how other people deal with situations and find what's best for you two. You two seem to have a good basis for communication going (based on what you've said so far). That's one of the most important things you can do in this lifestyle (even if you're only experimenting).

[twoplayful2 16]

I agree with inbeachcouple and the others. But more importantly I'd like to add that now she owes you one!!

[couple_ps 15]

I think its safe to say that all of us have made 'mistakes' along the way, some more severe than others. It seems like most people have added 'don't do this....' responses, but I'll add a 'good job at....'

 

Even though both of you have screwed up (doesn't matter who screwed up more than the other), you have gotten past your issues, and communicated what the problems were/are. Yes, you need to do a better job in setting up your guidelines for what is good and what isn't. I don't think it would be a reach for either of you to stop all action if you see or do something you don't like. As uncomfortable as it may be at the moment, it could really save you alot of headaches down the road. Keep reading up on how other people deal with situations and find what's best for you two. You two seem to have a good basis for communication going (based on what you've said so far). That's one of the most important things you can do in this lifestyle (even if you're only experimenting).

 

 

Thanks Inbeachcouple it's true that we have always been able to communicate and try to figure out where things went wrong not only for lifestyle stuffs but for everything.

 

We learned a lot from our first party experience even though not everything went smoothly. We are not ready to jump in right away again. We are taking some time to digest everything and letting time do its magic. The quality of time we spent together has gone up. This past weekend we celebrated the 8th anniversary of our meeting. We played "climaxxx" game and I can tell you we had one of our best sex.

 

I am sure that we will do it again, its just a matter of time :-) but we want to make sure we are ready.

[couple_ps 15]

I agree with inbeachcouple and the others. But more importantly I'd like to add that now she owes you one!!

 

 

twoplayful2 if looked from one angle yes she seems to owe me one However, I would not like her to swing again with her mind set that she owes me. With that mind set, she may do things that she does not necessarily enjoy just to please me. I want her to enjoy what she is doing. In a way, my joy comes from knowing she is enjoying herself.

[twoplayful2 16]

Aah, sarcasm...doesn't always need a littley winky smiley...or does it?

[couple_ps 15]

Aah, sarcasm...doesn't always need a littley winky smiley...or does it?

 

Honestly, I was not being sarcastic. I did think of it this way (she owes me one) when I was "mad". Then I realized that its not the way to go. Moreover, I add the smiley because I wanted to show that I was not sarcastic...guess it had the opposite effect.

 

I have a beautiful wife and she swings. I am lucky in this way as many wants to try swinging but the wives dont want to. I can talk to her about anything.

[twoplayful2 16]

...I was being sarcastic. She doesnt owe you one, that's silly. If that's what it was about then you'd be in it for all the wrong reasons. Not saying you implied that is what is was about, saying I made a joke and I'm now explaining it. And then was saying that I should have added the wink at the end of my original sarcastic little joke.

[WesternSwing 504]

Wow. It's good you have rule of some kind or another, but you both are not on the same page when it comes to following them. Of course, you've pretty much set yourself up for failure with subtle gestures such as blinking. What if someone had something in thier eye and you thought they wanted Quasimoto!

 

The other problem I see is that you both have decided that full swapping is for you, but then you make the gauge for how each screwed-up by making the distinction between soft and full swap. I think there is no difference when you are talking about if someone crossed the line. The problem here is that your line is definitive. A blink, a hand motion, a wiggle of your butt, whatever, is not as good as getting together alone for just 30 seconds and asking "Is all systems "go"?"

 

We have some general rules and after that anything goes, a list that has gotten much shorter. The basics for us:

 

1. No glove, no love

2. Same room only

3. We don't "take one for the team". If we aren't both into a couple we don't play with them.

 

There are others such as which sex acts are off limits, but those are personal preferences, not "rules" about having sex with others like above. Stuff like Mrs. WS only likes anal with me (it's a trust thing). If she wanted to with someone else, as long as the above rules were followed, then it would be okay.

 

My advice? What happened, happened. You can go back and change it, so being pissed-off at each other isn't going to move you forward. You learned from it, now move on. Besides, you went in another room with the other wife (although your wife joined shortly, I mean at what point did she realize you were gone??? And what took her so long???) Then she had sex with someone thinking she had your approval, just like you did going to the bedroom with the other lady. You are splitting hairs here. And very fine hairs too, I might add.

 

Get over it, get on the same page with realistic "signals" like actually talking to eachother. And have fun.

 

Mr. WS

[couple_ps 15]

Wow. It's good you have rule of some kind or another, but you both are not on the same page when it comes to following them. Of course, you've pretty much set yourself up for failure with subtle gestures such as blinking. What if someone had something in thier eye and you thought they wanted Quasimoto!

 

The other problem I see is that you both have decided that full swapping is for you, but then you make the gauge for how each screwed-up by making the distinction between soft and full swap. I think there is no difference when you are talking about if someone crossed the line. The problem here is that your line is definitive. A blink, a hand motion, a wiggle of your butt, whatever, is not as good as getting together alone for just 30 seconds and asking "Is all systems "go"?"

 

We have some general rules and after that anything goes, a list that has gotten much shorter. The basics for us:

 

1. No glove, no love

2. Same room only

3. We don't "take one for the team". If we aren't both into a couple we don't play with them.

 

There are others such as which sex acts are off limits, but those are personal preferences, not "rules" about having sex with others like above. Stuff like Mrs. WS only likes anal with me (it's a trust thing). If she wanted to with someone else, as long as the above rules were followed, then it would be okay.

 

My advice? What happened, happened. You can go back and change it, so being pissed-off at each other isn't going to move you forward. You learned from it, now move on. Besides, you went in another room with the other wife (although your wife joined shortly, I mean at what point did she realize you were gone??? And what took her so long???) Then she had sex with someone thinking she had your approval, just like you did going to the bedroom with the other lady. You are splitting hairs here. And very fine hairs too, I might add.

 

Get over it, get on the same page with realistic "signals" like actually talking to eachother. And have fun.

 

Mr. WS

 

Yes, I have realised that what happened, happened, I am moving on We now know that we need better ways of communicating.