Sneaky females, my boyfriend and boundaries

[DeNastyOne 15]

I know this may be out of the norm, but I have a problem with a married female. My boyfriend (of 10 yrs.) and I met a couple who seemed to be very nice, we are not attracted to them but it's obvious they are to us. We've partied at a local "play" club and have had dinner and drinks at our house. I thought they were very respectful to the fact that my boyfriend wants to see me get 'worked over' by a bunch of guys and help. We have never done a full swap and that wasn't even on the table. Well, I'll call her Jane Doe, has been very aggressive with my b/f while in the club and has come close to knocking me and her own husband down to get over to my boyfriend to dance all over him..... I have no problem with the flirting/dancing but pushing people out of your way is a little much. Further, she started sending private emails to my boyfriend, basically bad mouthing me. When my boyfriend and I go out, he loves to see me have fun and dance with other guys and chics. Well Jane Doe says that me doing that and then coming back to him expecting him to "take me back" so quickly after I've flirted with the entire club, upsets her. The other day she sent another message giving him a totally different picture of my turning her down to do a surprise strip tease for our guys - she wanted me to sneak around and practice behind their backs, well I am a trustworthy girlfriend in addition to being a submissive (yes my b/f and I practice a Dom/sub lifestyle) and I am not going to lie about where I'm going and what I'm doing. She made it seem like I was just being a "party pooper" for lack of a better term...... I've tried to tell my boyfriend that I don't feel comfortable with her and that she is sneaky but he refuses to see it and tells me that I'm just "uptight" and not "outgoing", hell I'm the most outgoing person in the whole club, I don't meet strangers. He says that maybe it's her language barrier, I don't buy that because her English is just fine (she is from Asia). Sorry about the length of this, I just need some advice please. Is it me or is it her and how should I handle this????????????????

[wkyadventurers 15]

Your boyfriend is the key to this whole scenario. He and I have many of the same ideals and I think we could relate well as for our fantasies. We both seem to enjoy watching our ladies being the life of the party/club. However, as the Dom in a D/s lifestyle, he is the one making the mistake here. As the sub you should be able to set the limits. It sounds to me that you have set this limit and he is not being respectful of it. As many of the people in this group will advise you, if both parties are not involved, play time does not happen.

 

So, since you are not into this other couple and have obviously seen the light in respect to the female half of that couple, you have answered your own question.

 

My advice...he needs to terminate all communications with this couple and you shoudl both make this all stop now before you come home to find your white rabbit in a rolling boil.

[wkyadventurers 15]

My sub/S/O wsihes to add her two cents worth:

 

(Please keep in mind that she is an incredibly jealous submissive female)

 

she writes:

 

sounds to me like the boyfriend is wanting something to happen between him an the other woman and just hasn't admitted it yet. if he truly respected his gf then he would be honest with her and tell her he no longer wants to remain monogamous and he wants the other woman or if he doesn't then he needs to talk to the woman and her husband and explain that her pushy behavior is not appreciated and he no longer wants to associate with them. either way it falls i don't see the relationship lasting much longer.

[DeNastyOne 15]

He is very naive sometimes, in fact we went through him being blind about my feelings towards a female of a couple, something about her always bothered me. Well she eventually came to me behind his back and wanted her and I to get together secretly. I of course told him of this and he ended the friendship right away. Maybe he thinks that people who swing regardless of the level, are all upfront and trustworthy............ I do know at some point this Jane Doe female is going to suggest something behind my back. I try not to be disobdiant and say too much but at the same time, frustrations caused by others are coming into our life, something that should NEVER happen..................... thanks for listening and for the replies.

[inbeachcouple 15]

I think the bottom line pretty much is that she isn't respectful of your choices and the way you go about things. You're probably better off finding another couple. The fact that she sends him private e-mails would be a problem with us. We have a joint e-mail account that ALL swinging info goes through. Even though one of us can get messages and delete them, it's more the principle of it all.

[a_couple_in_pa 15]

He is very naive sometimes,

"Further, she started sending private emails to my boyfriend, basically bad mouthing me."

 

He's naive? Private e-mails are pretty black and white.

Maybe he's not so naieve.

[JustAskJulie 2,596]

He obviously gave her his email address. I assume he's being honest with you and telling you bout these emails OR did you find out about that on your own?

 

To me just the fact that she is badmouthing you to him should be enough for him to not want to continue to deal with her. You should be his first priority not someone else. As someone else already said, sounds pretty clear to me that he wants her and he's just not being honest about that part. Otherwise, why continue to put up her talking about you?

[EvilMJ 65]

I have to agree with the others who feel that your boyfriend is the problem here.

 

I have no idea what your relationship is with your boyfriend, but my husband and I have some important rules that we do not break - If one person is not comfortable with a perspective playmate, for whatever reason, the we break off contact with them.

 

I do not let anyone bad mouth me when I have done nothing wrong, and I do not let some woman try to break me and my husband up. (I don't think I would make a very good submissive ).

 

I think he needs to start respecting your feelings a bit more.

[RitzAnTitz 15]

Oh, the drama that the lifestyle and humans bring to the table. head bang

 

My suggestion...ask yourself..is this relationship with this other person/couples healthy to you or the bond between you and your boyfriend.

 

If it is not, I suggest the two of you discuss it and come to the conclusion to either communicate with this couple and work it out. Or, break off the relationship with the other couple. You can do this in a mature manner.

 

If you feel it is healthy to deal with the drama...be my guest. After the first incident, there wouldn't be a second, but I am a bit of a hard ass when it comes to people who are in the lifestyle and can't behave as mature adults.

 

That's just my opinion..take it or leave it. But enjoy life to it's fullest.

 

Yours in the lifestyle..

 

Jewel

[DeNastyOne 15]

As we do with many people, we exchange emails and have done this with people we have no interest in outside of being friends. He has forwarded me the messages from Jane Doe, he hasn't kept any from me, that I know of. and the original email that started all of this, her own husband was unaware of. My b/f made a comment about "fitting in" and I think that is the wrong way to view any situation, we are not in high school and we should be concerned about liking ourselves and not worrying about how other's view us (although it's great to be liked but you should like yourself first). I've read lots of posts and one thing I've read over and over, is that no form of lifestyle should ever become more important than the relationship with your partner and no person should ever cause any problems in that couples home. I am trying to handle things as a mature woman (and not beat her ass like the "bad me" wants to but I'm not that type of person anyway) and have done my best to ignore her as much as possible when we see them out, but it's kind of hard when she practically pushes you out of the way to get to your man. I am asking myself if the so called "friendship" with this couple is more important to my boyfriend than our relationship and respect for me. And to answer you EvilMJ, our relationship has been one others have always admired, we have lots of fun together, are best of friends, lovers, etc............ Maybe he's going through a mid-life crisis and his common sense has taken a temporary vacation...............

[EvilMJ 65]

. And to answer you EvilMJ, our relationship has been one others have always admired, we have lots of fun together, are best of friends, lovers, etc............ Maybe he's going through a mid-life crisis and his common sense has taken a temporary vacation...............

 

 

Men can be funny creatures sometimes can't they . I guess you and he need a heart to heart about this situation, somehow you have to make your feelings clear. It is a hard thing to do when your SO doesn't want to see what you are telling them, but if you have the relationship that you have said you do, then he should come around (especially if he knows what a good thing he has).

 

Best of luck with this situation. Let us know how it turns out!

[intuition897 2,180]

DeNastyOne, I don't have much experience or in-depth knowledge of D/s relationships, but my impression is that it parallels swinging in many respects, and although the focus may be a in a little different direction, the need for top-notch communication, profound trust, and strong emotional bonding seems to be the same. I don't know what the rules are in your household, but it would seem to me that regardless of one's choice of lifestyle/hobby, it should never cause one to lose respect for one's self. If you find that you are being asked to respect yourself less and just "deal with it" (as it would seem your partner is asking you to do), you need to ask yourself who exactly has the problem here? Sure hope you guys get this sorted out.

 

And I'm with you: I'd be tempted to kick Chicky's ass, too. Little tart. But you know what? I think I'd probably just laugh at her, because I know exactly what would happen when she gets in Mr.'s face after pulling a stunt like that. She would definitely walk away knowing her place! And it sure as hell isn't above me!

[JustAskJulie 2,596]

I am asking myself if the so called "friendship" with this couple is more important to my boyfriend than our relationship and respect for me.

 

This is the question you need to ask your boyfriend.

 

You are right this isn't HS and it can't be about fitting in. It has to be about doing what is best for you as a couple.

 

Unfortunately, I see this all too often with those who are new to swinging. We see it here on this board with people asking "is this normal?" when whether or not it's normal really doesn't matter because it's obviously something that is making them uncomfortable. Too often newbies just "go with the flow" in order to not make waves and to fit in, thinking "well, everyone else must be doing it so I guess I should too". You just can't do that.

 

You have to sit down and have a very long talk with you guy and ask him the above question. It may come down to finding a different club to go to in order to avoid this woman, and blocking her emails. And in the future, you may choose to be a little more selective about who you give out your contact info to.

[DeNastyOne 15]

Thanks for the reply Julie. Due to issues with the club (having to find another location for it as they got new owners and they do not want to host such a "fun" club) we have not seen them in some time. She has sent emails to me trying to be "nice" I suppose, but I've been civil (because I actually am a nice person ) and replied back only with very short responses. I know it's only a matter of time before we run into them at one of the regular clubs we've been attending. I think my boyfriend has finally gotten the clue that I am uncomfortable with her so he has not suggested that we all go out or have any contact in person........... However, if she acts up in her childish way again, do you think I would be out of line to say something to her husband about her antics? I really don't think he is aware of her behavior.

[Vespertine 31]

..... However, if she acts up in her childish way again, do you think I would be out of line to say something to her husband about her antics? I really don't think he is aware of her behavior.

I would definitely let the husband know.

[sensuality 2]

DROP THIS COUPLE..PRONTO! It seems the other female in question here is trying to create problems between you two...not just to have sex with him...but to actually break you up.Why do I think this?Because she hasn't told her own man about it...and probably wants an affair of some sort to transpire between your man and herself.I agree that sometimes men can be a bit naive or at least play the role that they are...but deep down, he probably likes the attention...men are hams sometimes!! So, while he enjoys you getting all the attention and flriting and dancing and this is an agreement you share between you...this girl may make him feel like he's got some of that attention too and he may not even realize it.You need to sit down together and remind him of the time when you had a female trying to go with you behind his back and how it was cut off immediately.You also need to stress that this situation could cause serious harm to your relationship if it is not ended now.Once someone chooses to go behind their spouses back...it is no longer swinging,that is cheating.Take care and I wish you much luck!

[DeNastyOne 15]

I think you are right about him enjoying attention, he use to be a male stripper for 12 years (way before we met, he's 13 years older than I am) and I know he enjoys attention although he has no desire for others. I think in his being outgoing and flirting, he is very naive and can't see when others are trying to be sneaky and have hidden agendas.

Thanks to all of you who have responded, you have all been helpful and have made me realize that it's not me with an issue, it's the other woman.

[HotMoCpl 20]

The Koreans have a line for this one. "If there is horse poop in the middle of the road, walk around it."

 

In other words, don't let this little (/?.$%#^& make you day. Walk on past it, without stepping in it.

[DeNastyOne 15]

Well I wanted to thank everyone for their imput on this, it was very helpful. It has been a week since we have received any emails from this couple. Guess the last few responses Ms. Sneaky got from me and boyfriend must have let her know that we are not into spending time with she and her husband. I had "cc" my boyfriend on all messages from her and I think after him listening to what I had to say and then reading some off the walls comments of hers, he saw her for the true person she is..... Thanks so much!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! )

[curiousRI 15]

Ya know what? I have found over the years that woman in general suck...I don't want to piss anyone off but there are a lot of bad seeds out there..most of you here are sooooo cool and probably because you are into this lifestyle, are not at all on the same page...but....woman, in general, are rampent..scary people.....

[sensuality 2]

woman, in general, are rampent..scary people.....

 

I wrote about "vanilla" women a long while back and got blasted for it...but I completely agree with you!

[akbi 15]

Hi there,

Hubby and I are new to this board. I was browsing through the forums and when I came across your post I just had to post something.

 

I feel your pain for this situation. Hubby and I had a very similar situation. Hubby was communicting with a female (a married female) that lived out of state. They were both communicating behind my back. The reason for this is because earlier in the year I had made it plain and clear that I was uncomfortable with this woman and I wanted communications to end with her. He agreed with me but obviously he didn't because he went behind my back and for 6 months was chatting with this woman via email and over the phone and I only found out about it because he decided to come clean with me and that was only because he was acting weird and I started to question his mood swings.

 

Well any way to make a long story short I guess you could say, things are better between hubby and I now. When I threated to take the kids and leave because I couldn't handle the situation with this woman anymore he took a long hard look at life and realized that the grass wasn't greener on the other side and he was about to loose the most important people in his life and this relationship with this woman was not worth loosing his wife and kids so the interaction with this woman ended. It also helped that just like your b/f this woman's true colors started to shine through and hubby saw her for what she really was and he started to realize that he didn't want to be around someone like that. Ever.

 

I'm glad things are better between your b/f and you. Swinging is suppose to be fun not stressful.

[sensuality 2]

Unfortunately, when it comes to some women and even some men,you can just never trust them.And, it appears it's not just in vanilla society. :rollseyes Some people just have NO respect or regard for anyone's feelings but their own...and some find it a sick challenge to TRY and ruin someone's marriage.

[akbi 15]

You are soooo right on the money. Hubby would talk to her about problems that we may be having and she actually used our problems to her advantage so she could try and weasel her way in between hubby and I.

 

I think at times I was more frustrated at him than I was at her because I could see what she was doing and so could other people but he was so blinded by what ever spell she had over him that he wouldn't believe a word any of us said. It goes along one of those sayings "if it was a snake it would of bit him". In this case it would have bit him right between the eyes that is how obvious she was. She even told my good friend when she was talking to her on yahoo what her intentions where. My friend even showed hubby the conversation and he STILL woudn't believe what we said about her. She didn't care who's toes she stepped on. She was going to get what she wanted.

 

I guess I got the last laugh on that one.

[twobears 16]

well I am one of the newbies here and in the lifestyle and I agree with all of the above tell her hubby or SO that she is behaving this way and tell her why if you get the chase.

[24play 15]

As you can see from almost everyone here - this couple means trouble. If dissing them means a fight between you and your man, you have to sort it out pronto, cause then there's something wrong.

 

And don't let him tell you you're just being jealous, this other woman is trouble in capital letters.

 

I had a similar situation right in the beginning and was scared to complain as for sounding jealous, but luckily this trouble girl made life for herself hell by upsetting all our friends and my hubby could see her true colours.

[DeNastyOne 15]

Sorry I've not responded to the most recent posts, my computer has been acting up ............... gremlins in it I guess. I am so happy to hear that I'm not alone with the situation, I just hate to hear that others have had to experience this sort of behavior first hand. I'm happy to report we have not seen this couple in weeks nor heard from them - guess Ms.Sneaky got the hint or her husband found out about her actions. The relationship between you and your partner ALWAYS comes first and luckily my b/f realizes this. Like I've said before, I just think he can be very naive at times and doesn't understand that you can't trust everyone. Again, thank you to all that have replied; this forum is full of people who have lots to offer with those of us with questions or issues - THANKS!

[Vespertine 31]

I'm happy to hear that everything's worked out for the best.

 

-Ves