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JustAskJulie

"Spice Up Your Marriage" - Is that all there is to swinging?

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I was looking at the latest banner campaign for one of the major swingers personal ads sites yesterday and every single banner had the tag line "Spice up your marriage". Nothing on them about swinging, other than in the name of the site (and I can't remember at this point if that was even prominently displayed on the banners). The tag line was what really drew my attention.

 

I couldn't help but think, are people who already swing likely to even click on a banner that says "spice up your marriage"? I mean they have already done so and are doing so. And is that really all that people looking for swing playmates are looking to do?

 

Did you get into swinging just to spice up your marriage? How much of a part did that idea play in your desire to swing? Is that something you are still looking for? And what would your reaction be to a site that makes that claim?

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I have seen so many profiles that say "we are looking to spice up our sex life" that I believe the ad sites feel it is a good marketing strategy to draw new members in with a similar statement. Specifically married couples who are hesitant to get involved in swinging because it seems too close to being unfaithful or even anti-marriage.

 

The ad site rewrote it to say "Spice up your marriage" because that conveys a positive agenda, i.e., keeping a marriage strong, not cheating, giving some new energy to a marriage, etc.

 

I don't believe experienced swingers would consider the banner off-putting.

 

We did not get into swinging to spice up our sex life. When we joined ad sites I was surprised to see so many people saying they were.

 

We decided to romp in bed with others because I had only had sex with my husband and I was interested in experiencing sex with others.

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Well me and my wife love sex so much. We said let's spice it up by meeting a couple for 4-sums. So the banner never really played a part of our sex life.

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Great Questions. Here is my answer in the form of a question. What if you took this site and renamed it to spiceandmarriage.com and simply added vanilla topics to the ones already talked about by swingers? Would swingers and vanilla couples simply get along in cyberland? How many reluctant partners would be tickled by the openness and frank discussions found here?

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Based on the reactions I've seen on vanilla sex discussion sites, I'd that no they wouldn't get along in cyberland and that reluctant partners would not be any less reluctant, which holds to my original point.

 

There's a line somewhere that delineates spicing up your marriage and swinging... I'm fairly sure swinging would spice up someone's marriage (were everything else good in the marriage), but spicing up a marriage does not have to (and in probably most cases should not) include swinging.

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What if you took this site and renamed it to spiceandmarriage.com and simply added vanilla topics to the ones already talked about by swingers?
If people did a search with those words hoping for sites to come up that would assist them in traditional ways to improve their marriage, you'd have people coming to this site who are not interested in swinging and they'd be appalled by this site. You'd also reduce the chances of those interested in swinging finding this board if it had that name.

 

 

Would swingers and vanilla couples simply get along in cyberland?
I don't think so. If you aren't ready to learn about, or consider swinging, you aren't ready for what you'll find on a swingers' board. The battles to change the other's POV would be exhausting to read, not to mention no fun at all.

 

 

How many reluctant partners would be tickled by the openness and frank discussions found here?
It would be nice to think many vanilla folks would be pleased. I'm sure some would take a new view of swinging that would be positive. Others, however, would never see the beauty in the open and frank discussions we have.

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Maybe I'm not interpreting the words "spice up" correctly, but to me that implies that something is lacking or something is wrong.

 

For us it's not something to improve a flagging or boring or even sedate sex life...it's just another way of enjoying each other. We never felt we had to "spice things up" and I tend to feel that's the wrong thought to have going into this lifestyle.

 

Maybe I'm taking it wrong?

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Maybe I'm not interpreting the words "spice up" correctly, but to me that implies that something is lacking or something is wrong.

 

For us it's not something to improve a flagging or boring or even sedate sex life...it's just another way of enjoying each other. We never felt we had to "spice things up" and I tend to feel that's the wrong thought to have going into this lifestyle.

 

Maybe I'm taking it wrong?

 

If you are, then so am I. Which is why the idea of that being the tag line for a swinger site really bothers me.

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Well now I believe I understand your point, Julie. :D Your question isn't so much about marketing as it is about what adding "spice" means.

 

I started a thread about the "spice" word a while back. I wanted to know what swingers meant by it, because to me it means there is something lacking in the marriage.

 

Maybe I'm not understanding the meaning of that line of thought.

 

I have tried to be more open about that phrase. But I'm still not comfortable seeing it in people's profiles.

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I agree Julie. Our marriage was so spiced up and hot before we started swinging I never dreamed it would spice it up. It just seemed like a natural progression. Our marriage is stronger now and our trust deeper, but we didn't start out to spice up anything.

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You can spice up your food and a lot of things in your life.

 

My opinion is that usually when you hear "Spice Up Your Sex Life" it is between two people as a couple. Dress up, act out parts, risky location etc. to heighten their sexual experience with each other.

 

But when it is stated in this context it implies all you have to do is join a swingers network. After reading many insightful comments on this board, just by agreeing to participate does not mean it is perfect. That you have to put effort into it, you can have a great time and find your own niche within this lifestyle, but there has to be effort.

 

The advertisement implies that joining will improve your sex life and without effort it will not. (I think this is why Julie feels irked about this, that it makes it sound easy and a resolution to their problems)

 

Cases in point (comments I have read)

- We posted our ad, but no one calls. (Get off your butt and reach out to other ads).

- They never called back, they never showed up. (Be prepared to qualify your playmates)

 

The ad appeals to people who think everything happens in life as easy as turning on a light switch. If the pleasures of life were easy, everyone would have them, but the truth is that only those who put forth the effort achieve them. (Well unless you are Paris Hilton) :lol:

 

I would also like to take this opportunity to thank those who post their comments on the board as it has been a wealth of food for thought for me. The insights are appreciated.

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I agree with others on here. We are new to the lifestyle with only a few soft-swing experiences under our belt but have learned a lot in short time about people and we look over that profile closely. "Spice up your marriage" is not a good way to post for swingers, if you've got a problem in your marriage sex bed, here is not the place you need to be!!

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Maybe I'm not interpreting the words "spice up" correctly, but to me that implies that something is lacking or something is wrong.

 

That's EXACTLY what it conveys to me. And it irks me because you would hope that swing sites wouldn't perpetuate the myth of the "unfulfilling marriage" that leads to swinging...

 

For us - we swing as an overflow of an already VERY spicy sex life. I sometimes think that another couple watching me and Mrs Spoo have sex would scare the hell out of them... We are kind of like a couple of rabid cats when we get going. Things get busted and noises are made that are quite unnatural...

 

I think that most healthy marriages that choose swinging are that way.

 

Besides - swinging is the WORST way to fix a broken marriage. Swinging ain't therapy folks! It is the reward for those of us who have our shit together at home...

 

That's why there are so many single guys who don't understand that our wives don't want to cyber with them - or do phone sex - or meet them privately... Man - if I had a dime for every PM and e-mail Mrs Spoo received asking for those... Who can really blame them? She's an attractive (hubba-hubba-HOT!) woman - and she swings because (according to the advertising) she has a spiceless marriage... They are just responding the way they figure they should...

 

"Hey, baby... I am the answer to your problems with your limp dicked husband..."

 

*sigh*

 

Yeah - it irks me...

 

And no - we aren't here because we lacked spice. We are here because he love sex - enjoy friendship - like the "badness" of the whole thing...

 

Spice? Just pass me some more taco sauce, please...

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When I cook, Julie, I add spices. Sometimes, I sprinkle in a bit more than other times.

 

You can add spice to a great dish. You can sprinkle in a little or pour on a lot. Either way, it can be still a great dish. Too much can cause heartburn, though. :lol:

 

How does this sound: Add Some Spice to Your Life?

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I agree with others on here. we are new to the lifestyle with only a few soft-swing experiences under our belt but have learned a lot in short time about people and we look over that profile closely. "Spice up your marriage " is not a good way to post for swingers, if you got a problem in your marriage sex bed here is not the place you need to be!!

 

i am going to have to agree here. I often get the feeling that when people use the " spice up your marriage" it seems to imply that the marriage bed was bland to begin with. That, in my humble opinion, is an instant recipe for disaster. bringing in other people into a sexual and usually emotionally challenged environment is just begging for things like jealousy, anger, detachment etc etc to slip in.

 

On the other hand, for other people there is the whole saying " if the plural of mouse is mice... then is the plural of spouse spice?" In a very well grounded and healthy marriage/ relationship the whole adding spice would be a whole new meaning.

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Swinging does not make your marriage better or worse, it just enhances what was already there.

 

If your marriage needs "spicing up" swinging will just be a delaying tactic until you have to deal with the real problem.

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Maybe it should just say "spice up your sex lives" instead. I wouldn't see any problem with that and I can admit that spicing things up did have something to do with getting into swinging. How could it not? Any way you want to say it, you're in it to spice things up.

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What other reasons are there for swinging than spicing up your marriage/relationship/sex life? I can't think of any.

 

If you just want to make some friends, what does sex have to do with that? And if you're looking for a relationship outside the one you're in, what are you missing in your primary one?

 

Frankly, spicing up our marriage/sex life is exactly why we got into it!

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Maybe I'm not interpreting the words "spice up" correctly, but to me that implies that something is lacking or something is wrong.

 

 

I disagree. For instance, I love steak. LOVE IT! But take a steak and smother it with mushrooms and onion gravy and it's even better!

 

Vanilla ice cream is wonderful. Vanilla ice cream with hot fudge is luxurious!

 

Spicing up does not imply there is a problem, it just means you want to make something already good a bit better!

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It just seemed like a natural progression. Our marriage is stronger now and our trust deeper

 

I am so glad to hear someone else say this! When people ask how we got into swinging, that's the answer I usually give. It really was a natural progression- one thing led to another, conversations included new ideas and one day we just said "hey, what if...." Our relationship had progressed to the point where this was something we could do together and enjoy ourselves without fits of insecurity and jealousy and other things that would have kept us from even considering swinging when we first got married.

 

We did not get into swinging to fulfill sexual fantasies. We didn't think of it as spicing our marriage up, because after the previous year we'd had, things were already at the fire sauce level. I guess you could consider it a spicy activity, though, lol. But I think we understand why using that particular phrase would give a person pause. If a tag line read "share spicy new activities" or something like that, I'd take that to mean something fun for everyone involved. Reading how someone else wants to spice *their* relationship makes us feel like we're just there to provide something for them.

 

Considering all the other things we deal with on a day to day basis- work, family, kids, bills, sickness, in-laws, etc. it is understandable how there are times in our lives when sex lives can have a period of routine or predictability- people talk about being in a rut or whatever. But we see profiles where people advertise that they are bored, looking for something (someone) new, wanting to spice things up and we just think- well if you're that bored, why would we want to be part of that? Confidence and excitement read a lot better than boredom. Now that does *not* mean that we think looking for spice means you're bored, but they do read differently on a profile, and may attract different responses.

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hmmm then perhaps instead of saying spice up my marriage or sex life... I can say adding frosting to my cake???

 

Hey, I like the sound of that! ;)

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I disagree. For instance, I love steak. LOVE IT! But take a steak and smother it with mushrooms and onion gravy and it's even better!

 

Vanilla ice cream is wonderful. Vanilla ice cream with hot fudge is luxurious!

 

Spicing up does not imply there is a problem, it just means you want to make something already good a bit better!

My thoughts exactly. Spice is not a corrective it is an additive. Like Emeral's "Let's kick it up a notch." Just makes it that much better!

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Man... No spice looking for me. Mr. Indy is hotter then tobasco and has no issue making me sweat like a whore in church!

 

We started swinging cause we found that with some of our tricks we simply needed more hands and strong backs.

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Years ago we bought a car with the right size and kinds of seats for either front seat or back seat sex. We needed a new dining room table and made sure the height (and strength) was right for "eating" and other activities. We have a love swing. Part of our back patio area can be closed off with one curtain so that going in and out of the sliding glass door without being seen by neighbors is possible. And the area enclosed fits nicely with a some pads and towels for fun activities. We have a tripod for the video camera. We have managed to have sex under a blanket on the beach and have a cop walk right by us. :lol:

 

Each activity was new 'spice' we added to our lives.

 

We are lucky to live near two resorts that are lifestyle resorts, we can go swim naked, float in the pool with him in me, get out and do any sexual activity either in a room or anywhere around the pool or group room we want. This is a new added flavor for us. We still go out in the car, still use our patio and table....sometimes you want hot fudge on your ice cream, sometimes nuts and sometimes both.

 

If swinging is just swapping partners we won't ever swing. We do hope to add others who want to add our flavor that we can bring to them as a team. We dream of tongue wresting over some willing ladies clit while her SO is stroking. Or each sucking a nipple. Group activities. Not swapping.

 

But while we dream this, we are having a blast with the new spices of ladies pole dancing and our fingers on each other revving up the heat until we have to go to the play area with each other. Or climbing out of the pool area to do it and the next club we plan to visit says we can play everywhere but the kitchen and office. Mmmmmm.....know any positions I can get into using the pole to steady myself while he strokes in and out? :fun:

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For us we got into it to have fantasies fulfilled and to get to know people and become friends with people who are open minded and non judgemental and feel comfortable expressing themselves without worrying what others would think.

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Swinging does not make your marriage better or worse, it just enhances what was already there.

 

If your marriage needs "spicing up" swinging will just be a delaying tactic until you have to deal with the real problem.

 

Wait a minute. Enhance and spice mean the same to me...I and don't see a negative in "spice up your sex life or marriage". Ever heard the saying "variety is the spice of life?" Swinging is variety....playing together as a couple is spicing things up no matter how you slice it...

 

Just my 2 cents.

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The wife and I are new to this lifestyle. To us "Spice Up Your Marriage" doesn't mean there is something wrong. We just want to experience new things. Our marriage has never been stronger than it is now. Being open and honest with each other has such a "free" feeling. :)

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variety, excitement.

 

I saw somewhere that swinging is the "double black diamond" of marriage. If you can handle it, you can get through anything...

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Maybe I'm not interpreting the words "spice up" correctly, but to me that implies that something is lacking or something is wrong.

 

For us it's not something to improve a flagging or boring or even sedate sex life...it's just another way of enjoying each other. We never felt we had to "spice things up" and I tend to feel that's the wrong thought to have going into this lifestyle.

 

Maybe I'm taking it wrong?

 

Yeah, same here. My husband and I didn't begin experimenting to spice up our marriage/relationship. He expressed a fantasy, which I was almost offended by at first, but the more I thought about it the more I realized that my offense came from not this being his fantasy, but that I actually was diggin' it :lol: Go figure. We talked about it, at length, and eventually we took the plunge and have never looked back. I don't know, it definitely adds something to our marriage in our openness and honesty with one another, but spice it up? No, that's not why we are here.

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Obviously "spicing it up" has different meanings to different people. Assuming a profile that said it meant they had an otherwise boring sex life would be a foolish assumption and you might miss out on a really great couple because of that misunderstanding.

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We didn't start swinging to "spice up our marriage". We started to explore some fantasies. Our sex life and marriage was more than satisfactory before swinging. Has swinging strengthened our marriage. Sure. No doubt. But it didn't "spice it up".

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We didn't start swinging to "spice up our marriage". We started to explore some fantasies. Our sex life and marriage was more than satisfactory before swinging. Has swinging strengthened our marriage. Sure. No doubt. But it didn't "spice it up".

 

Exploring fantasies is spicing it up...there doesn't have to be anything wrong to spice it up...having some kind of sex with other people is something that you can't do with just the 2 of you, therefore spicing it up.

 

If you both enjoy it it is all good...

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Obviously "spicing it up" has different meanings to different people. Assuming a profile that said it meant they had an otherwise boring sex life would be a foolish assumption and you might miss out on a really great couple because of that misunderstanding.

 

Words of wisdom

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Guest Mr&Mrs-naughty

Mrs naughty and I already had an awesome sex life. But at the same time we had fantasies. It turned out, for us, that we shared the same ones. (She likes cock and I like seeing her get it :lol: ).

 

So for us it wasn't to "spice" anything up. It was another natural step in our relationship to move even closer to one another by living out our deepest fantasies together, you can't get much more connected to another person than that :facelick:

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Well hell, I hope nobody thinks that my marriage is lacking because I'm Nice N Spicy :lol: You know, I don't agree w/ that heading at all, mainly because I've always seen swinging as a lifestyle of sorts....I mean...well, I might not be expressing myself the best but a little spice would be like renting a porno, going and having some great sex in public, or the like. I don't think 'spicing it up' really covers the dynamics you get into w/ swinging, group sex, etc. :rolleyes: But that's just me, ya'll feel free to throw out some spankings if you disagree :hahaha:

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