First threesome, now husband has regrets...

[semntj 15]

My wife and I had a threesome last weekend with a single man. We met with him and talked for about 3 hours before we got to the action. It was my idea and she thought it sounded fun. It was fun and exciting that night. The next day my wife and I talked about it a lot, she was very excited and I could see that she wanted to talk to the man very badly, she kept waiting for him to come online so they could chat. She also was talking about making plans to do it again the next weekend. This made me very uneasy about the whole situation because it immediatly went beyond the sex that night to more. Keep in mind she is NOT hiding this from me, the chating is about things that happened that night (which I really had no problem with) but quickly moved on to personal beliefs, physical attraction, and well just things that had nothing to do with sex, and he was very good at bringing up little things that she had mentioned in our talking that night and really getting into her head. (although she won't admit it).

 

I started feeling very insecure about the situation and talked with her about it in detail. Two days later I talked to the guy online because he had one of my wifes ear rings that was lost there. I was honest with him too and said I was having bad feelings. I went and got the ear ring that day and later showed my wife our archived chat session. She signed on and immediatly started talking with him again but not telling him I was sitting with her reading along. The chat was more of the same as the first time, that night, sex, how hot each of them are, shooting cum, and lots of personal views. He took every opportunity to get into her head again. 'Yes I had to put your ear ring on before I gave it back to you" type of stuff, She then decided that she wanted to web cam for him and give me a blow job. I said you don't want to give ME a blowjob, you want to do it for him, to impress him, to feed him more of you... theres more but this is getting too long.......

 

to make a long story short, I am uncomfortable with this, am I insecure or is this nothing to be concerned about?....

[intuition897 2,179]

If this is a first time for both of you, I'd say she's a) still feeling the rush that it gives you to have an incredible sexual experience, and b) still not understanding that sex and love are not the same thing. It sounds like she's still in denial about the fact that he's 'getting into her head'. I don't think you're being paranoid at all. If you're getting negative feelings, it means something is not right somewhere. You have a couple of options. 1) You can let her get her infatuation out of her system and 'date' Mr. Wonderful. this would be an option if you wanted to just know the truth about your relationship and what it is worth to her. Would she choose to stay with you in the end? After the novelty wore off, she'd come to realize that he's just a cute package and a good f**k (pardon my french), and that the love you offer her is deeper, more permanent and infinitely more valuable than anything he could offer her. Plus she might start to see that he's trying to oust your position in her life by 'getting into her head', whether he wants to admit it or not.

2) You can give her an ultimatum. No more chats, no more email, no more contact. You're just too uncomfortable. And if she can't respect that, then it's time to re-evaluate the relationship.

 

Option #1 is the most dangerous of course, but the results are much more final. There's nothing left to wonder about. Let her know VERY specifically how her attitude - AND his - make you feel (that you are being pushed aside or left out, that your feelings are not being respected, that your position as her primary life-partner is not being respected by HIM, and/or that your acceptance of her sexuality and attraction to others is being taken for granted. This kind of freedom is not something that every man could offer her.) This is a tough situation to be in. It just seems to me that you're both just starting the learning curve that everyone goes through when starting out. Don't either of you let your emotions get the better of you. Just stick to what's most important (each other) and it'll work out.

[semntj 15]

intuition897 TY for the response.

 

So if I was to consider option 1, what are you saying? I should make sure we do this again with him. Kind of overlook the chat and such and just see what happens? To be honest I am not sure I could do that. We have been married for 13 years and have young children. I don't think I can just sit back and watch while someone tries to emotionally seduce my wife, especially if it's working.

 

Last time they chatted they talked about why I had bad feelings, she told him that I am jealous of him because he has a weight lifting body. I have no idea where that came from as I never said that and it's not the case. I wondered why she told him that???

[LikeMinds321 1,527]

My wife and I had a threesome last weekend with a single man. We met with him and talked for about 3 hours before we got to the action. It was my idea and she thought it sounded fun. It was fun and exciting that night.

Since it was your idea to try a threesome, I think it is safe to say your wife has no intention of looking for someone to replace you. You suggested the threesome and she agreed. It turned out fun for all of you, and she realized what a boost to her self-image it was to have another man find her sexy and fun to be with.

 

 

 

The next day my wife and I talked about it a lot, she was very excited and I could see that she wanted to talk to the man very badly, she kept waiting for him to come online so they could chat. She also was talking about making plans to do it again the next weekend. This made me very uneasy about the whole situation because it immediatly went beyond the sex that night to more.

She's on a high right now. Wanting to talk to your playmate the next day is very normal when the play has gone well. Her eagerness to have more of the fun you introduced her to is natural. I think next week is too soon, since you are not comfortable with this idea. If you haven't yet told your wife what you have told us, you need to, before you play with anyone else. I think you may have thought swinging would be more wam-bam, while your wife is discovering a friendship blooming. Many swingers like that type of relationship with their play partners, others do not. You and your wife should discuss your views on this.

 

 

 

Keep in mind she is NOT hiding this from me, the chating is about things that happened that night (which I really had no problem with) but quickly moved on to personal beliefs, physical attraction, and well just things that had nothing to do with sex, and he was very good at bringing up little things that she had mentioned in our talking that night and really getting into her head. (although she won't admit it).

You talk about this man "getting into her head" and I sense you are feeling threatened by his ability to develop rapport and friendship with your wife, and his talent for making her feel sexy and good about herself. Knowing that another man can do these things for your wife can make you feel uneasy. You need to tell her this. You need to let her know you need confirmation that you are her one and only man in her world, that she loves you. And you've got to believe her. If there is any doubt in either of your minds, you should reconsider swinging.

 

 

 

I started feeling very insecure about the situation and talked with her about it in detail. Two days later I talked to the guy online because he had one of my wifes ear rings that was lost there. I was honest with him too and said I was having bad feelings. I went and got the ear ring that day and later showed my wife our archived chat session. She signed on and immediatly started talking with him again but not telling him I was sitting with her reading along. The chat was more of the same as the first time, that night, sex, how hot each of them are, shooting cum, and lots of personal views. He took every opportunity to get into her head again. 'Yes I had to put your ear ring on before I gave it back to you" type of stuff, She then decided that she wanted to web cam for him and give me a blow job. I said you don't want to give ME a blowjob, you want to do it for him, to impress him, to feed him more of you... theres more but this is getting too long.......

 

to make a long story short, I am uncomfortable with this, am I insecure or is this nothing to be concerned about?....

Discussing personal views on life is what happens when you build a friendship with people. If you don't want that happending with your swing partners, you and your wife are going to have to come to an agreement on how to handle swinging. I see the playmates mention of the ring as a simple flirt. Regarding your wife wanting to web cam: sure she wants to show what she can do and turn this other guy on, that's part of swinging. You did decide to share your wife, sexually.

 

I think your wife will come down from Cloud 9 and float a few feet off the ground, where you can both come to terms with how you'd like to proceed and in so doing, you'll have set up some new guidelines for swinging.

 

Sit down and talk some more. Take some deep breaths, exhale, smile if you can, even make jokes when you discuss your worries, insecurities, and concerns. If you fear loosing her love, tell her.

 

All of my advice is based on the presumption that you have a good marriage, without current relationship problems.

 

LM

[intravox 15]

Hello,

 

Talking from my perspective as single man involved in several MFM experiences. It is not fair for the couple, if this guy is aware of the impression he caused on your wife (and even if he is not) he should restrain himself of keep chatting exclusively with your wife (or getting into her mind)

 

And you have the right of ask him to stop the communication with her, (I would change my attitud if I'm asked to do so, after all we are the invited not the "driver").

 

You will read many suggestions about how to deal with your sweetheart, but I recommend you also to stop the train for this guy.

 

This is my 2 cents.

 

Intra_Vox

[LikeMinds321 1,527]

 

You will read many suggestions about how to deal with your sweetheart, but I recommend you also to stop the train for this guy.

intravox has a very good point.

 

If you find this guy objects to cooling it, then he's not the kind of playmate you'd want to see again.

 

LM

[SexhoundDog 18]

Sit down and talk some more. Take some deep breaths, exhale, smile if you can, even make jokes when you discuss your worries, insecurities, and concerns. If you fear loosing her love, tell her.

 

All of my advice is based on the presumption that you have a good marriage, without current relationship problems.

 

LM

 

I think LikeMinds just about says it all in her reply, but her closing comment struck me the most. If you've got a good marriage, this guy shouldn't be able to emotionally steal your wife. I totally agree that she's still on a high from the newness and another guy making her feel sexy, but she has to care about your concerns too.

 

I didn't think your post was that long at all. You didn't mention what your wife's reaction was when you mentioned feeling a touch insecure. Was she vague, reassuring, or . . ?

 

And I see LikeMinds had another reply pop in before I finished this one which addressed my next question. What was the guy's reaction when you told him you were having bad feelings? If he didn't give you some reassurance that he was happy just being the so called "stunt cock" and had no designs on your wife, perhaps you'd better say buh bye to this guy. But before doing that, talk to your wife and tell her why you think you need to say so long . . just to see what her reaction is too.

 

I can understand her wanting to fuck the guy again, and if you can't, you should have never considered having a threesome. But you aren't unreasonable at all in wanting the emotional assurance from her that you're "still #1." I hope you can all have a happy ending. Good luck

[EmpyreanPleasur 18]

I started feeling very insecure about the situation and talked with her about it in detail. Two days later I talked to the guy online because he had one of my wifes ear rings that was lost there. I was honest with him too and said I was having bad feelings. I went and got the ear ring that day and later showed my wife our archived chat session. She signed on and immediatly started talking with him again but not telling him I was sitting with her reading along. The chat was more of the same as the first time

 

This is the part that concerns me. If you had spoken to him, he should have seen red flags and backed off and said so in his subsequent conversation...something like, "I understand your husband has some concerns...etc" not continue as if nothing had been said to him.

 

On the other hand, I see her behavior as pretty typical. She is excited over her newfound fun. That doesn't mean SHE has her head in the wrong place over this.

 

You two need to talk more and agree not to have conversations with him, either online or in person, until you have reached a point of comfort for BOTH of you in this situation. Tell him what you are doing so he is not left hanging while you work things out.

 

There are so many things to learn when you are new to this. One of the things that needs to be discussed before you start is not only what you expect of each other before and during an experience, but what to do AFTER it. How will you handle on ongoing relationship and what will your limits be after you play with someone.

 

Some of these things, we simply learn as we go.

[Just_us49 32]

We had a guy like that one time we chatted with for several weeks. He sounded like he wanted a wife more than a swing partner. We cut it off. If we ran into that again with a man or woman, we would cut it off.

 

If either of us is uncomfortable for any reason, even if it makes no sense to the other, we stop. We try to live by "prefer one another."

 

-D

[curious24 17]

In reading and being a single male here are my thoughts on the matter.

 

From what I have read it seems to me that she is on a high. You have been married for 13 years and haven't been with anyone else. So it seems natural to me she's excited. Maybe what you could do is tell her that you do not feel comfortable with this guy and find another single guy you do feel comfortable with.

 

If she says no, then I would tend to think that you might have a problem. If she says yes (like I think she should say) then I would think that you don't have a problem.

 

Just for the fact that he's getting into her head would send flags for me to stop playing/talking to the guy and find a new friend. You don't want someone to come in and try to mess up your strong healthy relationship with your wife.

 

You also don't have to be rude about it especially since you suggested the threesome in the first place. You could say something like "well we've tried the mfm so why don't we look for another couple/single lady/single male?" If she is stuck on this one guy suggest that there are a lot of "experiences" to be had out there not just this one guy. I think this will definitely give you some direction as to what is going on in your wife's head.

 

Hope this helps!

[semntj 15]

Thank you all for the replies.

My wife is the most wonderful woman in the world, and I believe in my heart that she would never cheat on me. That's why I can't understand this, why do I have these feelings? When I told her I felt this way about it at first she assured me that she wouldn't let anything happen and that she wasn't looking for another relationship. She said we could just stop talking to this guy and find a couple for the next time. But as soon as the excuse was there to chat with him again, she was all over it. I believe my wife would stop before anything got out of control, but what about the guy? What if he already has or developes feelings? It was his first time with a couple too and he hasn't been with anyone for a while. She wasn't the only one that took something away from this, he has to be on cloud nine as well. I just didn't think of all the emotional aspects and such before we did this. I feel like I have spoiled the whole situation for my wife now and became the bad guy for feeling the way I do. Like giving something and then taking it away, I am just sick about that...

[EmpyreanPleasur 18]

Oh no...don't feel like that! You must never feel guilty over your "feelings" they are what they are! Simple as that.

 

You two simply need to talk more. Maybe she is not getting clear signals about how you really feel, or that you feel seriously threatened.

 

Find some time where neither of you is distracted and sit down and talk about this and don't stop your conversation until you've come to some sort of resolution.

 

You'll do fine!

 

BTW...no one ever said that you can NEVER feel insecure or uncertain in this lifestyle. It happens. What matters is how you deal with it!

[Just_us49 32]

Thank you all for the replies.

My wife is the most wonderful woman in the world, and I believe in my heart that she would never cheat on me. That's why I can't understand this, why do I have these feelings?

 

Just my opinion but I think you're picking up on the fact that this guy, whether he realizes it or not, is emotionally manipulating your wife.

 

If I sensed that going on, even if I was over re-acting a bit, we would cool it. I know some people would say if your relationship is strong and you're taking care of your wife emotionally, don't worry...I disagree..anybody can be emotionally "taken" given enough time...

 

just my .02 cents

 

 

-D

[RNDNV 16]

Well Semntj, I would be less than candid if I said you didn't have anything to worry about. Until that last post, there were either way things could go, but the fact that this was everyone's virgin play definitely puts me in the camp of those who would think you wife and this other guy have more things going on than a shared appreciation for good sex.

 

IMHO, THERE IS A RELATIONSHIP DEVELOPING HERE!

 

For the forseeable future, you would be better served partying with more lifestyle experienced couples for awhile, but that said, you guys need to resolve this issue with this guy once and for all before any more play takes place. You guys need to get clear, and she is clearly not being sensitive to your fears, and if anything, she is feeding your insecurities with her behavior.

 

Under normal circumstances, I would never recommend to anyone to tell their spouse or partner "you need to cut it off with this person" (I am of the "let them go and if they fly away they were never your's to begin with" camp), but your wife is already ignoring your concerns and you have kidlets, so there is more than just the two of you at stake.

 

I think you are in for a period of rough transition ahead, but if you can survive this, and your wife gets some more other men under her belt, via couples preferably, then I would agree the novelty will wear off.

 

BUT IT MIGHT NOT. So ultimately, the best advise I can give you is to continue to keep your eyes and ears open, and your own jealousy and insecurity issues in check the best you can.

 

Best wishes.

[LikeMinds321 1,527]

Now that I know this swing experience was a first for the guy, and also that he has not been in a sexual relationship for a while, I do think he will have a greater tendency to become emotionally attached to a female swing partner. But this is a risk that goes with the territory.

 

This doesn't mean he is a bad guy, it means he's inexperienced, as are you, and you are all learning by this first experience.

 

It was your wife who jumped online with him again after you had your chat with him. He didn't contact her. If I were him, and inexperienced, I'd presume your wife contacted me because you were okay with that.

 

At this point, I can't see that anyone is wrong, or to blame, so don't try to look for that as a way to solve this dilemma. It won't do a thing to improve matters. Stop beating yourself up, discuss this with your wife, both of you face what IS: When you swing it can be an emotionally charged event and you have to watch that you don't start giving more of yourself to your play partner than to your spouse.

 

What you are going through is common, and you will find resolve.

 

LM

[amBIdextrous 17]

Please correct me if I am wrong, but to have sex with someone, there has to be at the minimum some personal attraction on both sides, you would not just fuck Quasimodo.So of course a friendship can develop out of something like that. You all had a good time, stop worrying yourself sick, but all the same keep your finger on the pulse of things.

I am afraid this modern fucking by numbers is not to my liking.

Having sex with someone is about as close as one can get to them, we were excited after our first time, and couldn"t wait to go back and do it all over again, and again.

Good luck to you all.

[flassh 15]

Yes, sex is the height of emotional bonding for most and I agree it is a very hard to not stay connected to those we bond with......but, I do know that guys respect other guys by keeping distance and staying away. I seem to think that the wife is drawn to the other guy because of her safe marriage but theother guy will not understand your wife's motive completely. (the guy is not married) So, there should be some type of communication tween the guys that this whole thing was just fun and its time to keep the distance out of the traditional "respect for the other guy" rule. I don't know any of my buds who could ever dream of getting into my wifes head.

[semntj 15]

Well I just had a heart to heart talk with my wife. I realize that I was making a mountain out of a mole hill now, I guess emotions will do that to you sometimes. I am the luckiest man in the world, and again I realize what made me want to do this to begin with, my wife is the most awesome woman in the world. Our communication has grown over this and that is always a good thing in a marriage. We are going to give this a little time and lots of talking and then see where we want to go from there. I see now that although I was trying to be truthful in my posts here, my emotions were clouding the truth and making me see things that weren't really there. I can't beleive I ever doubted her now. Thank you all for the advice, you are all good people for trying to help us out.

 

Hi its the MRS. thank you all for those kind and not so kind words. I told my husband that we have no true friends, because we are different. We love kinky, hot, steamy sex. It is awsome, and we never had that till recently. I have come out of a cacoon. I weighed 288 lbs. SEX wasnt that fun for me. Although i liked it I found it hard to get worked up knowing what he had to work with. I have lost 130 lbs and am in the best shape of my life. I have had some surgery, and now with a lot of work, have a six pack, and the (in my husbands words) the sexiest hips he's ever seen. Trust me when I say the SEX IS FUN now! I love my husband with all my heart. I only wanted this because I thought it would be fun for both of us. And told him on several occasions I woudnt talk to this guy if he didnt want me too. Infact after agreeing not to talk to him, my husband contacted him, and also told me he wouldnt mind doin it with him again. He was confused about what all this ment to me, but now Does understand. I think I sould like friends like swingers because we are finally like them, and no one will judge. Thank you all for your help. Mr & Mrs semntj

[curiousagain 326]

Good for y'all. When you have a new toy you tend to play with it a lot at first, but always return to your favorites. Sounds like y'all have gotten things straightened out. congrats.

 

Now go outside and play!!! Or inside or ................

[EmpyreanPleasur 18]

Mr & Mrs semntj - you'll find plenty of friends within this lifestyle that have more in common with you.

 

Mrs...congrats on your weight loss and changes!

 

Glad to hear that both of you were able to talk things out and found yourselves stronger for it! That is just one of the wonderful benefits of this lifestyle! You're on your way!

[intuition897 2,179]

intuition897 TY for the response.

 

So if I was to consider option 1, what are you saying? I should make sure we do this again with him. Kind of overlook the chat and such and just see what happens? To be honest I am not sure I could do that. We have been married for 13 years and have young children. I don't think I can just sit back and watch while someone tries to emotionally seduce my wife, especially if it's working.

 

Last time they chatted they talked about why I had bad feelings, she told him that I am jealous of him because he has a weight lifting body. I have no idea where that came from as I never said that and it's not the case. I wondered why she told him that???

 

Ok, my options may not actually work in the real world. My opinions are worth exactly what you paid for them, so bear with me. As far as committments go, Mr. and I have been married 10 years and have two young children as well, and I still believe that our relationship is the foundation upon which our family is built. Therefore, although we'd gladly give our lives for our kids, our relationship is our #1 priority. We don't want our kids to get the idea that marriage is about putting up with being disrespected or playing the martyr. I WANT them to see us disagree, and then I want them to see us resolve our differences. I want them to see what real love looks like.

 

With regard to my original advice, I think what I'm saying is either you can take the reins or you can hand them to her. Option #1 is handing her the reins and saying "I'm allowing you to make a choice between the infatuation you have for your new friend and the love that we share. And I'm trusting you to make a wise choice." She will do what she wants to do, obviously, because she's an adult and you can't stop her, but option #2 is where you do not "allow" her the freedom to make this choice. You're simply telling her what you can and cannot live with. If option #2 sounds safer to you right now, so be it; not everyone is ready for the kind of leap of faith I was talking about before.

 

I still think she's blind to what this is doing to you. Comparing you and he is inappropriate, IMO, and dismissing your feelings as "Oh, he's just jealous of your physique." is hurtful. If Mr. intuition said to his swing partner (especially if she was single) "Oh, Mrs. intuition is just jealous because you've got a better body than her." I would be hurt and really pissed off at him. While bearing in mind that the excitement she's feeling is one of the normal reactions to a first experience, allowing herself to get carried away is NOT good. I think she needs a reality check. Just my opinion.

[intuition897 2,179]

Oh dammit. While I was writing my last novel...er post, Mrs. semntj explained herself more fully. Now I feel like a total ass. They say there are 3 sides to every story, and I jumped the gun and gave an uneducated opinion.

 

Every once in a while I stick my foot down my throat and I'm reminded that I should post with a little more humility, tact, and open-mindedness. This is just such a moment. Sorry if I offended either of you Mr. and Mrs. semntj.

[semntj 15]

intuition897 We posted our problem to get advice from all sides, your words made it easier to commumicate how I was misconstrewing her feelings. For her it was about a fun time with me for me and all about us. I wanted her to have fun and experience the "cloud nine" feelings as I know after 13 years that she doesn't get "cloud nine" from me anymore, and I knew that she never really got much of that in her life being overweight before. I guess it was just hard for me to watch someone else give her those feelings for REAL the next day.

 

Even though it was a fun hot time. She says she didn't even have an orgasm with him, only when I was doing her. The actual sex wasn't that great, it was just the naughtyness of the act and the fact that someone else was paying attention to her and hot on her. When we first started we were all standing in the living room, she was standing behind him rubbing up against him. I could tell he felt awkward and didn't want to just turn around and start doing anything so I said, "I am going to go out to the car and get my pop, I will be right back" as I knew that was needed to get things started. As soon as I left the room he started making out with her, She said when she heard me opening the door and coming back in the room was the most exciting part of the whole thing.

 

Please don't ever feel bad about posting your honest opinion and giving good advice, that is what we wanted. Thanks Again.

[LikeMinds321 1,527]

Even though it was a fun hot time. She says she didn't even have an orgasm with him, only when I was doing her. The actual sex wasn't that great, it was just the naughtyness of the act and the fact that someone else was paying attention to her and hot on her.

I think this sums things up nicely.

 

Sex with other people feels different, it's new and exciting. Having an orgasm with a new partner can be unimportant to a woman because the biggest turn-on is often the "naughtyness of the act."

 

Having another man find you desirable is exhilirating!

 

I'm happy for you guys. Thanks for reporting back. Thanks for sharing.

 

LM

[menher1559 17]

I may be stepping out of line here, and if so I do apologize. But after reading these threads, I have come to the conclusion that the 3 of you should sit down in a vanilla situation, ie....dinner and a strong drink and discuss this as mature adults. Let your feelings be known to both of them at the same time and see the response up close and personal. All 3 parties sitting at the same table, everything can and will come out in the open and can be discussed as adults. You wanted a 3some and got one. Wife after 13 years of marriage has determined she is attractive and the desire of other men. The single guy got laid for the first time in a while. Everyone has issues and everyone has a point of view. That being said, all 3 need to be sure that all 3 are on the same page......Once this is done, you can then determine with factual information whether or not you want to continue a relationship with this man, another man, another couple or stop the lifestyle all together. Get the info, then decide

[semntj 15]

I wish I could get past my internal feelings and thoughts and help her experience a MMF again, but I don't know how to do it without it hurting inside. Am I just not cut out for this, too insecure perhaps? Or is it just the first time thing and I am over analyzing everything? I have considered doing it again with the same guy several times just to get myself past the issue and let nature run it's course. But I don't know if that will work or if it would make things worse or better.

[JnCC 24]

I wish I could get past my internal feelings and thoughts and help her experience a MMF again, but I don't know how to do it without it hurting inside... I have considered doing it again with the same guy several times just to get myself past the issue and let nature run it's course.

I thought you were doing this for "fun?" For something that's supposed to be "fun" you're sure going through a lot of head trips and whatnot over this.

 

Regardless of who first brought the subject up, it sounds like your wife is a lot more comfortable with it than you are. In a perfect world full of perfect marriages, she would be the one to say "Darling, I can tell that you're not comfortable with this, so let's break it off with this person and try something we can both enjoy. Perhaps a single female next time, or another couple?"

 

Whether or not she comes to that conclusion before you do will tell you a lot about how "perfect" your marriage is, and how well suited to further lifestyle experiences you both are.

 

Your gut is telling you...screaming at you...that "something just ain't right" about all this. Stop apologizing to her, stop rationalizing to yourself, and start listening to it!

 

OH, BTW...don't worry about seeing anything inappropriate in the chat sessions your wife is archiving for you, there'll never be anything bad in them. Funny thing about that...people have a habit of not archiving the chats they don't want their spouses to see...

 

I am of the "let them go and if they fly away they were never your's to begin with" camp

I used to feel the same way because I thought it showed a woman that I trusted her, and had confidence in our relationship. The I realized that many women interpret that not as a symbol of faith, but as one of not giving a damn about them. IOW, "He's letting you go because he's not really into you, and doesn't really care if you come back"

[watcherone 15]

I have also had this same situation come up after playing with a new single guy. The problem I had was not listening to what my mind was telling me and beleiving I was just overly paranoid. The truth is that if the chat and email between the two of them gets you upset then sex between them again may be a mind blower.

In my situation the guy was laying alot of anti-watcherone talk on my wife and she wouldnt beleive he meant it that way. When he and

I were alone he made it clear that she would be one of his women soon enough. After telling this to my wife, "I think she finally realized I wasnt so crazy and we both booted him out.

The only big rule we have in swinging is if it bothers, hurts, or anything negative, either her or I, we dont do it. We are a team and only act together. I am not swinging alone and either does she.

If it doesnt feel good, dont do it. There are alot of guys out there that are perfect partners and would not do anything to make you or her have second thoughts.

[intuition897 2,179]

In my situation the guy was laying alot of anti-watcherone talk on my wife and she wouldnt beleive he meant it that way. When he and

I were alone he made it clear that she would be one of his women soon enough. After telling this to my wife, "I think she finally realized I wasnt so crazy and we both booted him out.

 

OMG. He actually had the nerve to get in your face like that??? Holy hell, he wouldn't have finished the sentence before he found his ass on the curb in front of our house. Or found himself with a bloody nose. And Mr. intuition wouldn't need to lift a finger I'd do it myself. What an asshole. I find it somewhat depressing to hear about people like this; for every one you hear about there are likely 5 more out there to meet. Sorry to hear you had such a rotten experience watcherone.

[HotMoCpl 20]

Sex? Its God's way of letting us taste heaven!

[YZF 8]

I am new to this (hell my girlfriend and I are only in the talking about it stage) but a while back I got involved with a couple. I had just been paroled and was working at a gas station and a great looking hispanic woman was a regular customer there. She was kind of turned on by my waist length hair, tattoos and prison muscles.

 

She came around often and flirted quite a bit. She was pretty honest with her husband about everything and told him she was was very attracted to me. Her husband had been trying to talk her into a threesome with another guy for a while so he jumped on this. Told her that if I was willing, they would have a threesome with me.

 

She kind of sprung it on me (I had not gotten laid in six years because of prison) so I ws more than willing. When we got together a few nights later, my enthusiasm later became a problem. She blew us both, we hit her at both ends (one in the mouth, one in the honey pot) and switched often. He was quickly done. I was ready to go again.

 

He had to work early so he decided to go to bed. This was at a motel with two beds so he took the other bed and told us we could just play with out him. This girl was great looking and since my last woman had been over six years before I could not get enough. I was read to go after a 10 minute break, I would put her through her paces. I would get off and 10 minutes later, I was ready again. When he got up to go to work, we were still at it. He joined in once and then we went our seperate ways.

 

We got together once more and again, he was done early while she and I fucked for several hours. After that he never joined in again, though he "said" he did not mind if we go together on our own. We would get together a couple of times a week and spend a weekend together from time to time. Their marriage started a pretty quick slide and crashed a few months later.

 

I think it came down to performance issues. I guess he did not realize that as someone who had gotten NO pussy in a long time, I was going to be ravenous for some.

[WesternSwing 504]

I am new to this (hell my girlfriend and I are only in the talking about it stage) but a while back I got involved with a couple. I had just been paroled and was working at a gas station and a great looking hispanic woman was a regular customer there. She was kind of turned on by my waist length hair, tattoos and prison muscles.

 

She came around often and flirted quite a bit. She was pretty honest with her husband about everything and told him she was was very attracted to me. Her husband had been trying to talk her into a threesome with another guy for a while so he jumped on this. Told her that if I was willing, they would have a threesome with me.

 

She kind of sprung it on me (I had not gotten laid in six years because of prison) so I ws more than willing. When we got together a few nights later, my enthusiasm later became a problem. She blew us both, we hit her at both ends (one in the mouth, one in the honey pot) and switched often. He was quickly done. I was ready to go again.

 

He had to work early so he decided to go to bed. This was at a motel with two beds so he took the other bed and told us we could just play with out him. This girl was great looking and since my last woman had been over six years before I could not get enough. I was read to go after a 10 minute break, I would put her through her paces. I would get off and 10 minutes later, I was ready again. When he got up to go to work, we were still at it. He joined in once and then we went our seperate ways.

 

We got together once more and again, he was done early while she and I fucked for several hours. After that he never joined in again, though he "said" he did not mind if we go together on our own. We would get together a couple of times a week and spend a weekend together from time to time. Their marriage started a pretty quick slide and crashed a few months later.

 

I think it came down to performance issues. I guess he did not realize that as someone who had gotten NO pussy in a long time, I was going to be ravenous for some.

In defense of all the newbies that will read the thread in the future I have to say that your assessment of the demise of their marriage is wrong, and stinks of the "I banged her better than her husband" attitude that sinks 90% of single guys trying to get in the lifestyle.

 

Their marriage did not split up because her husband was inadequate in the sack and you were better. There were things going on behind the scenes you don't even know about. The swinging may have hastened the demise of the marriage because it was new ammo to use against each other along with their other issues, but it did not cause it.

 

We know a couple where she plays solo and he doesn't. Her sex drive is more than one man can handle, and he is never lacking for sex. Believe me, whatever her fuck-buddies get, he gets 10X better and more often. But he will say sometimes "you need to find another FB". BUT she has a very clearly defined sense of sex with someone she loves and her FB's. It wouldn't matter if he could never have sex again, she would stay married to him until the end of time because there is that emotional connection between them that nobody else will ever have with her. Their relationship is way beyond being defined by sex, which is what prevents so many from being able to swing. And I think is the reason for so many divorces. When the sex starts to wane after years of marriage there is nothing else left that binds them other than maybe codependence.

 

Successful swinging couples can swing because their relationships are much more than just built upon ,or defined by, the sex they have. There is much more substance to who they are individually and together.

 

Whatever you think, you were nothing but a tool in the demolition of their relationship, and that's it. You being insatiable and awesome in the sack wasn't the cause of thier divorce (but if you want to pat yourself on the back like that, have at it). If it hadn't been you it would have been someone else, or something else. You just gave them something else to club each other with. I can already see the argument. She screams "You're a lousy lay!" and he yells back "Yeah, well you're a slut!". They already had problems and were looking for big rocks to throw at eachother, you were just convenient.

 

Mr. WS

[semntj 15]

what you said was awsome..if you aoready dont have like a million friends, and are in need of new buddies, please keep us in mind. your words were right on and I thank you you are very wise

[YZF 8]

your assessment of the demise of their marriage is wrong, and stinks of the "I banged her better than her husband" attitude that sinks 90% of single guys trying to get in the lifestyle.

 

Their marriage did not split up because her husband was inadequate in the sack and you were better.

Mr. WS

 

Sorry if I came on like that. Now that I have "caught up" so to speak, I do not have that I can bang better than anyone attitude. Didn't then. It was just that after not getting any, just looking at a naked woman was enough to get me ready. I was not doing anything better.

 

Even my current girlfriend. She is a lifelong athlete and has a great body and a model gorgeous face. Being anywhere close to her was enough to drive me crazy with desire. Now, I still have no problem getting in the mood, but just the sight of her naked if we are getting ready to go out or something is not going to spring a throbbing hard on on me.

 

For several months after my parole, I just could not get enough. It was cause for a letdown for one woman who I had a one nighter with then and then got with several months later after I had "caught up."

[EmpyreanPleasur 18]

Anyone may have misgivings and doubt from time to time. Whether they are irrational or unfounded shouldn't matter - our rule is, no matter how "paranoid" one of us is feeling, everything stops with that outside person until things are resolved and that partner feels comfortable again. If they never resolve those feelings, we move on. NOTHING is more important than each other.

[JimWActg 15]

Whenever my wife is jealous or insecure about someone in the lifestyle I try to take it as a compliment that she treasures me so, and a sign that I have not been giving her all the little TLC's that reassure her that she is number one.

 

Once I back off, pay that special attention to her, make sure she knows she is not only number one, but all that matters to me. She always comes back stronger and more secure in the next encounter.

 

Of course part of that is letting her decide when the time is right for that next encounter, whether it is with whomever she was jealous of or a new person.

[dirtwr04 15]

Damn, I love you guys. Especially you LikeMinds - I really feel good about the level of understanding this forum has about the psychology of swinging. I had to think long and hard - no pun intended - about the dynamics of what I was getting into prior to my/our start in leaving the vanilla world but had I found this site in the begining I probably could have saved myself a good 6 months of "what ifs."