Should I tell my husband I wasn't having orgasms?

[Guest Unregistered]

Here's the story, in all the 13 years we've been married I never had an orgasm. I always just faked it. I enjoyed the cuddling, but because of my strict upbringing I didn't think I could enjoy sex. Last month hubby talked me into swinging with a another couple. I didn't expect it to be any different; I'd been faking, I could fake with someone else as easy.

 

Something happened. I got into it with the guy and had my first orgasm. I screamed. It was great. The next week I had one with hubby too.

 

Last Saturday we did it again and it was even better. I had three orgasms in one night. Since then hubby told me three times that our sex has really got better. It has. I get orgasms almost every time now.

 

Hubby was always good lover. It was just me. He always waited for me so I faked it so he could finish.

 

The problem is that hubby told me lots of times that his pleasure was because I enjoyed it. I felt guilty lying about faking it. Should I tell him that I was faking it to make it better for him? I feel guilty. I feel sorry I took so long to learn to orgasm.

 

I feel I should tell him but it would probably break his heart to think he wasn't pleasing me for 13 years.

[Chip_n_Muffy 16]

Why would you do that, what could you possibly gain by hurting your husband needlessly? You have moved to YOUR next level sexually, why would you denigrade him now? What good could come of it? I absolutely don't get this one.

 

Chip

[graygo98 148]

Dito Dito Dito

 

And congratulations to you both! Just when you think its as good as it gets... it gets better!

[Zoe&Wash 93]

You've probably also never told him that you hate his mother's oyster stuffing every year at Thanksgiving. Nor do you need to.

 

Let this dog sleep.

 

W

[eager4more 15]

Congrats on your newfound level of fun

 

Who would benefit from your telling him - you, him or both - and how? In the short-term or in the long run?

 

On one hand I agree with the previous posts, but if iyou don't tell him and it turns into something that's going to eat at you for years, that could affect you both in the long run as well.

 

Sorry for the wishy-washy non-answer...

[sim 15]

yes I agree.have ur fun and enjoy life now.forget about telling him anything

[Everlearning 48]

You said you feel really bad for faking for so long. You also said that his satisfaction comes from pleasing you. I fully understand that. I will gladly do without if that is what it would take to please my partner. You now have the ability to please him very much by the very fact that you are able to enjoy so much more. So, all that to say this: if you want to make it up to him, continue to have as much fun and get as much as you can out of every lovemaking session and he will be very pleased. I know the greatest feeling I get comes from my partners pleasure. I'm sure he feels the same way.

[Spoomonkey 421]

I believe in honesty between a couple, but I tend to agree here. I would simply talk about how much more you are enjoying sex now that you two are more adventurous. Obviously, he does it for you, so it isn't like there is going to be a lingering problem with this.

 

I would let it go and embrace your new experiences with him - let him now become the world's greatest lover for you and the rest of it (the past) won't be that big a deal anyway.

 

Spoomonkey

[intuition897 2,179]

This thread is actually something I can relate to, unfortunately. Mr. and I have been married 10+ years now and for about the first two years (I think, can't remember exactly), I had faked it. We married very young (I was 19) and still hadn't quite grown into my sexuality. I was all about impressing and pleasing my partner back then and I couldn't get the hang of having an orgasm with someone else in the room :rolleyes Ah the stupidity of youth. So anyway, one night after an argument, we were mad and had some "angry sex". Something just clicked and I had finally had an orgasm - a really real one - with him. To him it was business as usual, but I was ready to crack open some champagne! It finally got the better of me because I really wanted to share this with him, so I confessed. He was understandably hurt, and it took quite a lot of talking to convince him that it was a problem with me, not him. He forgave me and we moved on. I think in the end he appreciated my honesty (honesty is extremely important to him), but it was a definite mistake on my part to lie in the first place.

 

Unregistered, it really depends on the kind of person your husband is. If he's like mine, he'd be more upset that you witheld this from him (in essence continuing to lie) than he would with the truth. There's no doubt he will be hurt by this if you told him, and will doubly doubt himself because your first orgasm happened not with him, but with another man! We can all logically agree that it wasn't your husband's lack of sexual prowess that was the problem, but with yourself as you said. It's not terribly surprising that a swinging encounter gave your sensory system the shock or jump-start it needed to push you over the top; in order to enjoy it, all inhibitions should be checked at the door, and it sounds like whatever it was that was inhibiting your orgasming got checked at the door that night too! This is a great thing. Maybe men don't generally understand this, but not all women can just get off at the drop of a hat. For some of us, there's a trick to it. Kind of like trying to explain to someone who's never done it how to swallow, or sneeze, or hiccup. Everyone has to figure it out for themselves. It just comes more naturally to some than others.

 

Bottom line: it all depends on what you can live with and what kind of person your husband is.

[Fred&Wilma 15]

Realize your hubby has already figured it out on his own that you have reached the level of screaming orgasm's.

In fact he probably knew before when you were faking it (very hard for the eyes to fake it)

Rather than make a scene or create an uncomfortable situation he may have found a way to take it to the next level in a non-confrontational manner instead.

Also who really cares how you got there, but that you did. Can you imagine going through life and never reaching that level? What a waste that would be.

 

Here's to those shatter the windows and soak the bed orgasm's. Wahoo!

 

[flassh 15]

Don't tell him. It is not appropriate given that it happened with another man. Swinging is titilation for guys for several reasons. 1) visual 2) instinctual 3) validation of his merit with keeping his woman satisfied and by showing her off and sharing his treasure.......Guys truly live out some fantasy thru their wives pleasure giving abilities

[two4youinswva 3,068]

All you need to tell him is that the sex you're having with him now is the best it's ever been. And isn't that the truth?

[DBL D 120]

All you need to tell him is that the sex you're having with him now is the best it's ever been. And isn't that the truth?

 

I can't agree more. I truly believe in honesty but one just can't relate everything that comes across ones mind. Besides if he's like me, he probably could tell you were faking it. That only works on film. LOL. Now that you have had a real orgasm, you know that must be true. He was very patient with you all those years and I'm sure he's no dummy. He kept you anyway.

 

Let dat dawg sleep.

 

Male D

[LongPlayShareD 15]

Swinging always has its way of Improving

The relationship, the marriage as is the case.

 

I would admit,, as he did admit..

that your Sexual Enlightment,, has become,,Better.

 

For there is Nothing wrong,,,

Its just Getting Better,,,,Soon to be Great!!....

 

You'd Never have the Hott..Ooh soo Wet,,Ecstacy..

Of Explosive,, Unending,,, Climaxes

 

For we all are here

To ExplorGasm facelick

[WesternSwing 504]

I can tell you I'd never want to know. I wouldn't tell him and just enjoy your new found pleasure. It sounds like he is having an even better time too. And like others have said, he probably has figured it out on his own. But there is no reason to create a problem where one doesn't exist.

 

Mr. WS

[mde 4764 15]

Why would you even concider telling hubby? The only thing you will accomplish is hurting him. You're having fun now, so enjoy it. Let sleeping dogs lie.

[Nymph an' Satyr 22]

If my wife told me that "truth" I would freak. Our relationship would be damaged, and we would definitely stop swinging till things got fixed. Maybe longer- I would have to deal with the fact that it took another man to bring my wife to orgasm- NOT a pretty fact here. It would erode my sense of masculinity, etc.

 

My suggestion is that it should go into the white-lie catagory. Everything is fine now right? So let's pass on the past. Nothing good will be served by unburdening your conscience at this point. Would you tell your husband that his receding hairline bothered you? Same thing...let it pass, and enjoy things for what they now are!

[YZF 8]

For the longest time, my ex-wife could not come during intercourse. I would get her off orally and by masturbating her after I was done. This was for about five years. Right after the birth of our second child, she came for the first time while we were having intercourse. I remember that time distinctly because she came after about a minute then almost every minute after that.

 

She was like that from then on and we also discovered that she would also come quickly and often during anal sex (which she had loved ever since I introduced her to it). It made sex 100 times more enjoyable for both of us because I took great pleasure in seeing her enjoy herself.

 

I really have no idea what brought this on, but neither one of us ever complained.

 

We really hated each other when we divorced (this is no exageration), hate each other just as passionately now, but even so, we still have this great sexual attraction to each other and can't keep from having fucking each others brains out whenever we find ourselves together and alone.

 

She needed a swing partner once when she got invited to a swingers party (something she had never done) and we wound up having only sex with each other. We tore into each other so bad, we drew a crowd that cheered us on.

[bear_n_bunny 43]

Hon, don't tell him. It's all well and good to prattle on about "being completely honest" in a relationship, but too much of anything, even honesty, is not necessarily a good thing.

 

The male ego is probably the most fragile thing in the known Universe. We all know here that this situation (you only having orgasms now) is not his fault, that he was doing nothing wrong. But I can just about guarantee you that if you tell him this, odds are he will take it wrong.

 

Why cause needless problems? After all, this is not something you would be withholding for a malicious reason, but rather to protect him from being hurt needlessly. Perhaps in the future, after a few years, you may tell him. But now? No. There's really no need.

 

Besides, if he is a really proficient, and more importantly, observant lover, he's known all along you were not cumming, and kept his own counsel to protect YOUR feelings. (Believe me, if you know what to look for, it's actually quite easy to tell when a women is faking orgasm, as there are certain physiological responses that cannot be emulated.)

 

For now at least, let it alone, and just enjoy your new-found pleasure.

 

Also, there is nothing all that unusual about not having orgasms until later in life. I have known many women who, for a number of reasons (often involving trust and comfort level problems resulting from abuse), did not start having orgasms until in their forties or even fifties. So consider yourself fortunate that you got past whatever issues you had fairly early in life, as there are a lot of people out there who do not.

 

-- Bear

[rainsfuct 15]

I think, as others have said, that this is an issue of honesty and communication.

 

Interestingly, you have chosen not to be honest to your husband these past 13 years....actually, more to the point you have chosen to be dishonest.

 

If you bring it up now, he'll be hurt for a couple of reasons...one because you were not truthful with him (he'll wonder what else you haven't been honest about). Two, he'll be bummed that it wasn't him, and then he'll wonder what else that person (or someone else) can do for you.

 

If you all had a history or pattern of honesty, and dealing with things that come up in an honest way, then this is not an issue. However, in this context, I think it would be a big issues indeed.

 

As an aside, one of the most refreshing things on this board, is that the people who succesfully manage the LIfestyle, also particpate in the most open, honest and stable relationships I've ever seen.

 

If the relationship isn't stable and open, then the Lifestyle causes significant problems in the relationship -- but I'm not sure the Lifestyle is ultimately the culprit....

[Miss_Piggy 98]

Interestingly, you have chosen not to be honest to your husband these past 13 years.

 

This is what really gets me about this one. You've chosen to be dishonest all this time and now you want to be honest. It just seems like the wrong time. I have to agree with bear here. You don't have to tell him this right now - maybe one day... but not now.

 

As much as I am a fan of honesty, I just don't see what he would gain with this knowledge. You made a mistake by lying to him all this time. Perhaps it would help you to feel better to get this off your chest... but really, you were the one who did the lying and you are the only one who will gain from your telling the truth (ie you might not feel so guilty anymore). For his sake, keep this one to yourself.

[Guest Unregistered]

cant figure how to register but thought youd like to know

i started the thread about faking it for 13 years

saturday i walked through th kitchen while hubby was doing dishes. he told me they put the letters on the keyboard to slow down typsts so the keys wouldnt stick. i was in the backyard before i realized why he told me. i ran back in and we both said = did you? at the same time. he read my post an knew it was me that was faking orgasms. we had long talk decided not to worry about past enjoy the future had great sex non stop didn't put clothes on all weekend. talking about going to nudist park near colton next week. reading your stories to each other. they'r great id love to get my sunday school teacher in bed. cant believe how slutty we became. even gave pizza guy a thrill.

naked at door. better be careful or get arrested.

maisey

ps your story link doesn't work.

your site is wonderful. love it

i can spell. just slow with one finlger. dont know how to correct. ill get hubby to show me if i can leave him alone long enough,

[JustAskJulie 2,595]

Thanks for coming back and sharing with us. I merged your new post with the original thread to keep everything together.

 

To register, just go to the top menu and choose "register" from the links there and provide the required info. The story link works but since the update it's had a little glitch and sometimes it doesn't work the first try (sends you back to the forums instead of the stories - I'm looking into that) but if you try it again it will work.

[ALilOEverything 901]

we had long talk decided not to worry about past enjoy the future had great sex non stop didn't put clothes on all weekend.

 

I'm glad it worked out this well for you, I really thought it would hurt his feelings too. It's so hard to know how someone would react, you're really lucky to have an understanding husband like that.

[autumn528 16]

That's a great story. You two must have a strong relationship. That's very importamt to the lifestyle. Things like that can kill a guy's confidence, but you two are obviously in tune to each other. Good stuff!

[sxsurfers 15]

You know your post is very interesting...it made me think about my situation..

we have been together for 14 years... she has said over the years that she enjoys sex but can't cum during intercourse...not with me or any man...never has ..she does have orgasms other ways, masterbating with toys by herself or with me...once in a great while we do dp with a vibrator and me and that works very well... she says that when she was younger she over complicated the way she masterbated , and thats why she is the way she is...

when we were younger making her cum was my great quest, i read lots of different books, even got videos on the subject... we tryed them all twice at least...(lol) i got to the point where i figured we(i) were trying to hard..and when it happens it happens....

so good sex for us basicly ends with getting out the vibrator and her finishing the job....

we have been swinging for about 4 years now , and we are a full swap cpl.. we have had quite a few great encounters and have become good friends with some of the people we have met..we are not pros ,we enjoy swinging when we get the chance...it can very from once a month to not being active for 6 months or maybe more... swinging has brought us closer, helped us communicate better, made our sex life hotter, and even increased our love for one another...its as honest as it gets.... Or is it ????

reading this post made me think about a few of our swinging senarios....there were 4-5 different occations were she was having sex with the other guy and was enjoying herself to the point where i thought she had definitly cum...

(this turns me on big time ) she soaked the blanket, i mean like a puddle 1 -2 sq feet....(now i had seen this a cpl times we did the dp thing with a toy)...so i was sure she finally came...

while alone driving home we talked about it...i said somthing like , he was good, you were really enjoying yourself....watching you made me so hot..

and she said yes he was ,but i didn't cum...i said what about that huge wet spot you left, that moaning, you had to cum, listen i'm happy for you...i enjoyed it as much as you did... she said no i didn't cum... the whole situation made me hot, horney and wet, very wet obveiously....but i didn't cum...i said wow you sure fooled me....she said well i was enjoying it , but i also put on alittle show to make him feel good...so i took it at that ....

now like i said before this same thing happened 4-5 times and we talked about it , same situation basicly...

reading this post makes me think that maybe she did cum after all...????

after all the years of me admiring her honesty, about not cumming...i'm beginning to wonder if maybe she wasn't so honest about cumming with these other guys....her cumming with another guy would make me happy....knowing she lied about it would not....

So now that you have read all this , what do you think??? was she honest with me or not???

thanks in advance

Mr sxsurfer

[twoferfun69 15]

Interesting. First of all, I will relate my opinion based on a failed 20 year marriage the first time around, not from being an experienced swinger. Don't second guess yourself. However, she may be going through a period where she is feeling guilty that she is having these wonderful orgasms with another person, after you gave so much effort into it just the two of you. Yes, it is disappointing that, from your perspective, your were not able to get her to that point. But just relax and let it "flow". Even though you may be expressing YOUR desire for her to be honest with you, she is protecting you in a manner of speaking. She obviously cares a great deal for you, and does not want to make you feel less of a man or less of a lover to her because she is able to orgasm with someone else, not you.

Possibly you two have put too much pressure on yourselves for her to orgasm with you, and have reached a point where ya just need ta relax!!! trust me on THAT one.....been there done that!!!

[sxsurfers 15]

Thank you for your reply, to be truthful i would be alittle disappointed, if she did in fact have an orgasim with another guy first....but the way i look at it is, it please's me to pleasure her, and even if another guy with a different bag of tricks makes her come, i was there to enjoy it with her, and only good can come from it, ie a learning experance.... i understand the protecting part.. but only good can come from being honest....

[LikeMinds321 1,527]

So now that you have read all this , what do you think??? was she honest with me or not???

thanks in advance

Mr sxsurfer

Here's another possible explanation based on my experience.

 

It sounds to me like your wife may be ejaculating, commonly known as "squirting," since she makes such a large wet area on the bed. This can happen at the time of orgasm, but it is my opinion that it can occur without orgasm. At least that's been my experience. I don't think I'm having an orgasm every time I squirt.

 

So when she says she didn't orgasm with her playmates, she may know what she's talking about.

 

LM

[DBL D 120]

Here's another possible explanation based on my experience.

 

It sounds to me like your wife may be ejaculating, commonly known as "squirting," since she makes such a large wet area on the bed. This can happen at the time of orgasm, but it is my opinion that it can occur without orgasm. At least that's been my experience. I don't think I'm having an orgasm every time I squirt.

 

So when she says she didn't orgasm with her playmates, she may know what she's talking about.

 

LM

 

I'm sorry (maybe BiBlonde can comment ) but I didn't think you could control squirting. I always thought it accompanied an orgasm.

 

Male D

[sxsurfers 15]

thank you for your replys... i wouldn't exactly call it squirting...

maybe she is a future squirter(lol) she gets very , very wet, when she is into the situation.....it takes a bit of time , not like it comes out all at once....i 'd love to hear a few other opinions on this....ladies???

 

thx

Mr sxsurfer

[biblonde 22]

Well, D....I know I cant control it, it just happens. I cant make it happen or stop it from happening( and wouldnt want to!!!) But maybe someone has learned how to do that??

[DBL D 120]

That's sorta what I thought. But, the question was about whether someone could squirt without an orgasm. I'm very sure that it's not controllable but thought that it went hand in hand with an "O". So have you squirted without an orgasm? Is it sorta like a wet burp if you do it without the "O"? Sorry!

 

M.D.

[biblonde 22]

Never squirted without an orgasm..usually a pretty good one at that. I can get real wet without an orgasm if i am really turned on...but not soaking the bed wet..that happens with good orgasms!!