Pros and cons of soft swinging

[JustAskJulie 2,595]

Just found this response in another thread:

 

I read an article by a swinging couple that advises not to soft swing because it only creates more jeolosy and in the long run, they felt, creates more problems. I would agree then with Julie that it is not for everyone. Going soft may be even worse than actual full swap. IMHO

 

Rather interesting and thought it would make a good discussion. I know we have some soft-swingers here who may also like to respond. I'd also be interested in reading the article you are referring to, if you can give us some more info on that, Flassh.

 

I'd like to know how they came to that conclusion? Was it by interviewing many swinging couples who had started by soft-swinging? Was it because they started as soft-swingers themselves and it didnt' work for them?

 

Different things work for different people, and it's been a while since we had a good discussion on the merits of soft-swinging.

 

So what do you think are the pros and cons of soft swinging? IF you are a soft-swinging couple, why did you choose to do that rather than full swap? Do you think you will ever full swap?

 

If you are a full-swap couple, did you start off soft-swinging? Would you ever soft-swing in the right situation? Do you think that soft-swinging creates more problems/ jealousy than full-swap? What are your reasons for NOT choosing to soft-swing?

[EmpyreanPleasur 18]

I guess I just don't see how soft swinging would necessarily create MORE jealousy than full swap? I'd like to see this article too or at least hear why it would be more of an issue in soft swinging.

 

I don't think it DOESN'T happen in soft swinging - jealousy can happen in any situation and will most likely happen MORE with people who are insecure.

[TNT 1,155]

If you are a full-swap couple, did you start off soft-swinging? Would you ever soft-swing in the right situation? Do you think that soft-swinging creates more problems/ jealousy than full-swap? What are your reasons for NOT choosing to soft-swing?

 

 

We didn't start out as soft-swing and to us, we really don't understand it. We figured that if we were comfortable enough to soft-swing than we were definitely comfortable enough to full-swap.

 

We have soft-swung on one occasion (everything but intercourse) with a couple that were new and it was what they were comfortable with. It was a less than satisfying encounter for us, although not a bad experience, just less than what we were/are used to.

 

I don't really see how soft-swinging would/could cause more problems than full-swap, but like I said, we don't really understand it.

 

Teresa

[newgentry 17]

We're soft swingers, and I don't understand the quote at all. MORE jealousy? It doesn't make any sense to me. We decided to be soft swingers because that's what works for us, period. Its not a sense of insecurity, and its not a knock against the full swappers. Its only what WE decided would work for us as a couple. We like the idea of being able to reserve a certain special something just for the two of us. Now, that being said, I will also say that if and to the extent that we may ever decide to become full swappers (and again that'll only be after WE as a couple decide its the right time) that I really think we'll both be fine with it. Neither of us has any problem whatsoever with people who full swap - whatever works for them as a couple is fine with us and more power to them. Who knows, though. Like I said, for right now what we're doing, and what we're limiting ourselves too, is working out just fine.

[good times 991]

Dito what TNT said, we really don't understand it either. I guess we started out with soft swing, allthough we didn't know that was what it was at the time. This was with some Vanilla friends and we decided it wasn't fullfilling enough and wanted to take it further to full swap, that is how we got into swinging. We have met a quite a few more people who soft swing that seemed to have issues of one sort or another than people who are into full swap. But I don't think it was the soft swinging that caused the issues rather than they just had issues to begin with, and by sticking to soft swing it would make the issues they had less of a problem.

[flassh 15]

I will try to find the link for the article on soft swap vs. full swap.

 

Please give me a little time to research it.

[flassh 15]

Ok, I could not find the correct web link. But I am pretty sure it was a web site that was discussing the writings of Ed Allen and Dana Allen, which have written some nice books on the swinging

world.

 

To paraphrase very loosely: Soft swinging was discouraged because of the potentional for leaving alot of feelings on the table at the end of the night. Outright full swap and direct interaction with multiple couples seemed to indicate a point at which all the taboos and false feelings become meaningless to the participants. It would be like going au-natural for the first time. ie...a little timid and scarred and not sure how one will feel etc etc....but after about 5-10 minutes the nudity becomes a non-issue. So, in the analogy that one is having sex within the full swap they are leaving their emotions and fears in the past and find out that it is pretty much for fun and social enjoyment and not a big deal with breaking up the love of two committed people who now are sexual outside of their marriage partner.

 

Again, I am not responding to what full swap means to me personally but only relaying what was stated by others...I think the sentiments of the soft swing is more harmful does appear to be truthful for what we have experienced and the reality of soft swing is that it may be good for those who simply want to have fun but not go further. That is fair. But in terms of the feelings and fears and emotions, one might argue that the fun of sex is in the head anyways so the physical may not be what this topic is about ultimately.

 

Hmm..

[JustAskJulie 2,595]

We've been talking a lot lately about things that may create more drama and I just ran across this old thread and I thought I'd put it back out there and see what some of you think about the idea that perhaps soft swinging creates or leads to more drama....

 

The only thing I can think of is that maybe a higher percentage of those who soft-swing are newbies and therefore not really ready yet to begin with.

[JandCMI 15]

Our first two experiences were soft-swap. The advantage, as we saw it at the time, was that if it left us wanting more without feeling jealous, uneasy, etc. afterward then we could go ahead and think about going full-swap. It's sort of like when you move in with someone before you marry them; you want to make sure that it will work out before you go any further. And if it doesn't you can cut your losses and run with minimal damage done.

 

As far as drama goes, I can't imagine how it could cause more than full-swap. A couple that we know is pretty much breaking up because of their swinging shenanigans. They were full-swap and were never soft-swap.

[guayaquil2006 15]

Here goes from a newbie point of view. Again, newbies here...

 

We were at a club where we were enjoying each other, another couple was beside us also enjoying themselves. There was some touching, maybe a little stroking but we never concentrated on the other couple and vice versa, to us that was extremely sexy and made the experience very erotic. Is that soft swap?

 

We have since talked about it many times and it makes us both randy pretty quickly.

 

We are interested in something similar happening again, but realize (or assume, and we know what happens when you assume) that most couples are looking for full swap. I guess it was an experience that enhanced our sexual pleasure.

 

I cannot see any jealousy issues arising from that sort of play, but I guess you never know. Insecure people will become jealous at the most minute things.

 

Jim & Rebecca

[JustAskJulie 2,595]

We were at a club where we were enjoying each other, another couple was beside us also enjoying themselves. There was some touching, maybe a little stroking but we never concentrated on the other couple and vice versa, to us that was extremely sexy and made the experience very erotic. Is that soft swap?

 

.....

 

We are interested in something similar happening again, but realize (or assume, and we know what happens when you assume) that most couples are looking for full swap. I guess it was an experience that enhanced our sexual pleasure.

 

 

Jim & Rebecca,

 

What you described would fall in the category of soft-swinging (sex in the same room with another couple). There are actually LOTS of other couples out there who never move past soft-swinging (of some sort or another). Soft-swinging, however, encompasses a pretty broad variety of activities. Everything from just sex in the same room with another couple (no touching even) all the way up to anything short of Full-Swap (including exchanging partners for foreplay and oral sex but not for actual intercourse).

 

 

Good luck & Welcome to the board!

[SJCPL1 65]

I think that soft swinging may be a great intro to full swinging. I know it gave us an opportunity to explore feelings that we may not have expected. It actually helped open up the lines of communication so that we were better able to move forward.

[Guest screaminggood]

We started off with me exploring my bi side with the men watching (still a favorite). Jealousy? Not in this case....just lust and enjoyment.

[Pepper & Drew 384]

While I understand why some couples start off with soft swap, I'm as bewildered as TNT about couples whoe are soft swap long-term. Now, we have done soft swap with a few couples, as they were new and that's what they were comfortable with. They eventually went full swap. We have met one long-term soft swap couple and have never played with them. We don't see much point.

 

Pepper

[sweet_tna 680]

We started off full swap, but have played with soft-swap only couples. I know a lot of full swap couples aren't content with that, but Mr. Sweet and I march to the beat of a different drummer. You've gotta' do what works for you.

 

=)

[lustylearning 705]

We started as and are primarily a full swap couple; however, we've played with soft swappers and had lots of fun:D People, soft and full swap alike, can be such a pleasure to spend time with ~ touching and laughing and teasing... If there's any truth to the idea that good fences make good neighbors, then perhaps solid intercourse boundaries make for relaxed and sensually charged soft swapping buddies.

[socolais 696]

We started off like most folks, I guess and then graduated to full swap on the second party. Sometimes I wonder if the soft swingers are the ones having more fun. As a guy, I'm probably in the minority in that I think the foreplay is much more fun than the actual thrusting. At least from my observations, full swapping is very penetration oriented. It seems like sometimes I just barely get her good and wet before she asks me if I want a condom or pulls me up to some common position. I know anything that would be permissible in a soft swing could also be done in a full swap if all participants were interested, but I get a vibe that I interpret as a sense of urgency to get on with the thrusting (maybe I'm just reading it wrong). As a side note, loss of an erection with a playmate would be less significant.

 

And I'm not necessarily talking about the soft swingers that don't go for full swap because they're unsure about something. I'm talking about people that are confidently aware of their options and consciously choose soft swinging as their preference. I'm talking about plenty of intense foreplay with that hot number you watched out of the corner of your eye at last month's party and then you get with your spouse for some GOOD after-party sex.....

[tittietwister 126]

Sometimes I wonder if the soft swingers are the ones having more fun. As a guy, I'm probably in the minority in that I think the foreplay is much more fun than the actual thrusting.

 

This guy agrees. I love the foreplay. Just pistoning in and out - boring. A couple of weeks ago we were at a couples house and all a sudden they announce time to play - like an alarm went off. He takes mine upstairs. I say go ahead without us (me and his wife). We spend some quality time playing doing soft stuff with each other - like what non lifestyle people do. Later we go upstairs. It was the best night I have had in swinging.

[LFM2 1,482]

We guess we really don't understand the concept of soft swing. We started out as a full swap couple and we've never done soft swap with anyone. We highly doubt that we'd soft swap with anyone. We just don't see the point. Not really our cup of tea, really.

[Darkblue 55]

We are sort of a softswop couplem why do i say that well simple the wife wont go full swop she says i am more than enough for her and that she has no interest in another guy,dont get me wrong though, she loves to swop and does everything except intercourse,i have no problem with her going fullswop and would love to watch her fuck with another guy but its her choice and saying that i can go full swop if i so wish but i dont or havent sofar as i dont want the other guy to get the idea into his head that he can fuck Susanne because i fucked his wife even if this was discussed before hand.

 

As for being jealous!! never!!! we have had some real good fun and there has never been a jealously problem on our part,its happened with the other couple that we palyed with but never between us and we look at things this way if you happy to go soft swop then fine if you go fully swop then thats fine as well and if your into gang bangs then so be it,everyone to their own and i have seen jealousy issues between full swop couples on more than one occaision so i dont think that this is mainly a soft swop problem but rather depends on the couple themselves and not what they do and with whom..

 

 

Steve

[mde 4764 15]

We never understood soft swap. It just never seemed exciting to us.

[personal416 71]

I think that sometimes soft swap encourages more intermingling, and full swap tends to lend itself to "pairing off", but that is a bit of a generalizing, especially if you have one or two adults that are good at directing the action and keeping things moving (soft or full swap).

[ncmd_couple 597]

We started off as a full swap couple and still are. Here is where I can see problems with soft swap. I can easily see a man and a woman, doing everything but intercourse, having a great sexy time and getting each other really fired up. And without thinking in the throws of passion continuing on with intercourse. Now that could cause some serious problems!

[WesternSwing 504]

i have no problem with her going fullswop and would love to watch her fuck with another guy but its her choice and saying that i can go full swop if i so wish but i dont or havent sofar as i dont want the other guy to get the idea into his head that he can fuck Susanne because i fucked his wife even if this was discussed before hand.

This is a scenario where we have had an issue, but no real drama. It was a couple that was half-swap, he could fuck other women but his wife couldn't fuck other men... Husband's jealousy issues. This wasn't disclosed to us until we were all playing, he'd had sex with Mrs. WS and when I went to have sex with his wife he put the binders on it. At parties and such he paired-up with Mrs. WS several more times, but eventually Mrs. WS told him that this waiting was getting old and that unless his wife had permission to play with me there would not be anymore play between them.

 

The only potential drama I can see with soft swap is accidentally stepping over the line even in soft swap. Full swap is pretty clearly defined, you know you're going to have intercourse, it's just a matter of what kind - what's off-limits and what's not. There is such a huge range of what can be okay and what's not with soft swap.

[williepullout 15]

Hello

[guayaquil2006 15]

As a guy, I'm probably in the minority in that I think the foreplay is much more fun than the actual thrusting. QUOTE]

 

Agreed. We definitely find the foreplay much more exxciting. The touching, kissing, stroking is way more fun, in our oppinion.

 

J&R (of jim and rebecca)

[tribbles 490]

We must be in the real minority cuz we think just swapping is boring....and we find in group sex, way more is done with oral and hands than straight intercourse. The party we went to recently we realized we didn't have intercourse with anyone else but we did touch, kiss, lick and enjoy many, many others. It's not that we couldn't have intercourse with anyone else, it just didn't happen.

 

I don't see how soft swap = more drama though. ???????

[interested-05 135]

for us soft swap is simply the part of the adventure we are enjoying as we move along the trail together. Each adventure has had its sublime moments of excstacy and depending on how you view things its higher or lower levels of base animal instincts. All the same its a hell of a lot of fun, We could full swap I suppose, but we play as a team

[willyoats 324]

Our first experience was full swap. We have had a lot of that since then, but also mixed in is the wonderful times of soft swap. Sometimes the other couple has limits short of intercourse but still want to play all the way up to it. A couple of our best friends are like that. We do all of the foreplay with the other partner and finish off with our wives.

 

The sexiest woman I ever didn't screw was married to a epidemiologist who was terrified of germs in the bedroom. He brought his own sheets and wouldn't think of having intercourse with anybody but his wife. She was THE most beautiful woman I ever played with. Her passion was for me to get her off manually and then for me to get off between her very ample, beautifully shaped boobs. Then she would rub the cum on her upper chest and declare that was what made her skin so soft and loveable. That may technically have been called soft swinging, but I tell you I wasn't soft for much of that encounter!

 

Bottom line: go with the flow; sometimes the best evenings are the ones in which you don't get laid. There will always be another opportunity later.

[two42lovers 273]

We started off full swap and 99% of our playing has been full swap, but we enjoy playing with soft swappers.

 

It makes sense that a lot of newbees would start out soft swap. It also makes sense we'd find more jealousy issues among soft swap couples, simply because more soft swappers are newbees.

 

We've found the most fun in swinging involves threesomes, foursomes, and moresomes: stuff we can't do 1-on-1. We've played with plenty of full swap couples who mostly only wanted to pair off... We both think 1-on-1 can be fun, but the best fun comes when three or more play together.

 

When we play with others, we also like to play with each other - we like a little of both. Our main purpose in swinging is to enhance what we have between each other, and the best sex is at the end of the night, 1-on-1 with each other. The soft swap couples we've played with have really seemed to understood the play-with-each-other thing. Plenty of full swap couples have too, but some not so much. Quite a few have been more into pairing off.

 

If after foreplay and touching, the women suck each other's husbands until they are rock hard, and then they 69 each other while being fucked from behind by their own husband, what's not to like? Then their husbands can cum on them while they kiss. Is that really "soft"? Mmmmm! Maybe so, but it's yummy!

[tittietwister 126]

We have only done full swap, separate rooms and now are looking forward to trying out soft with a newbie couple. From a strategic perspective it also provides a viable option for anti-condom me instead of just bypassing an otherwise attractive couple.

[oc1234 435]

My wife and I started with soft swapping even before we knew what it meant. We went camping with a couple and ended up having sex with our own spouses on the very small bed in a camper.

 

A couple of years later we had our first full swap with another couple we had been friends with for several years. All we can say is that the full swap experience was much more enjoyable.

[ViSexual 1,008]

Swinging isn't like dating in high school where, if you don't get laid you go have to go home and masturbate.

 

We're married. We've got a spouse to finish off with if nobody else helps us do it.

 

I agree with the some of the others. Intercourse is the finale'. And it's good, but, it's the foreplay that's best!

[Gordo 618]

I've always thought of soft swap as the return to our teenage days. You know parking down lonely roads, the heavy make out session steaming up the windows. Trying to cop any feel you could.....

 

Except after you have someone to take the "edge" off with.

 

Maybe it's the cure for the 7 year itch;)

[pervgeeks 119]

Swinging isn't like dating in high school where, if you don't get laid you go have to go home and masturbate.

 

We're married. We've got a spouse to finish off with if nobody else helps us do it.

 

I agree with the some of the others. Intercourse is the finale'. And it's good, but, it's the foreplay that's best!

 

I'd agree. We can always finish each other off. If people are soft swap and open and comfortable without jealousy issues, that hey, let's have fun! We'd rather have a long, fun play session with a softswap couple than any type of full swap quickie. We can go either way (soft or full) depending on the vibe and comfort level with those we're with.

[ilikebgtna 21]

I've always thought of soft swap as the return to our teenage days. You know parking down lonely roads, the heavy make out session steaming up the windows. Trying to cop any feel you could.....

 

Except after you have someone to take the "edge" off with.

 

Maybe it's the cure for the 7 year itch;)

 

I have to agree with this. My wife and I are newbies to the lifestyle and would fall into the "soft swap" category. For us it was just what our marriage needed. There have been no jealousy issues or any drama at all. We're just taking it slow for now and having fun. It makes us both feel like we're teenagers again and it has strengthened our relationship. We both want to do a full swap but up to now soft swap has been working well for us. It really gets our motors running and then we finish each other off. Gotta walk before you run, right?

[melontstr 15]

Just a few cents' worth -

 

We started soft, moved to full, and still do both. We are absolutely of the "it's all good" mindset.

 

One situation I have not heard mentioned is this:

 

We have several couples - good friends we have met in the lifestyle - with whom we love to flirt, kiss, touch, and even do soft play with ... but with whom we do not wish to take things further. We just don't feel a desire to have intercourse with these particular people. We enjoy what we do very much.

 

I suppose at some point we could choose to go further with these couples, but I doubt we will. I really think it's just one of those "variety is the spice of life" things ... and there isn't anything "deficient" in these friendships just because we don't want to go full swap with them.

 

But - everyone can do their own thing - that's what is so great about this whole scene!

[VANudistcpl 109]

We only participate in soft swing and find it very sexy, erotic and fun. We don't see how soft swing increases the jealousy. Think that whomever did the research for the article may have only talked to people that weren't ready for anytype of swinging activity.

[Thron&Thor 117]

Soft swinging was a transition for us at allow Thron to explore her wild side until she had that certain smile on her luscious lips which said the transition is over babe!!!

 

And for some it is difficult to see, hear & feel their partner being penetrated or pentrating someone else with the same zeal. And it is all about being able to understand yourself so you can appreciate your partner's true being to allow them to release their inner being totally. You have got to love them without destroying them and then you too can be free yourself.

 

Soft swinging is like the Twlight XXX Zone...some never cum out!

[Cpl2share 147]

To each his (or her) own. We did soft for a couple of years and then moved into full swap. After trying full swap we discovered that for us our biggest thrill was in the flirting and playing with others. It was not a poor experience, or even a bad one that caused this decision, and we have not ruled out future full swap, but for us......Nothing compares to sex with each other. There are also a lot of limitations on what Mrs. Cpl can do physically, and that means that for full swap there is a lot of I do this, but you don't. Our policy is that we do not expect someone to do something that we can't or won't do. Plain and simple, we like to get the engine running real good with friends, and then race on the home track..

[willyoats 324]

Our first few experiences were full swap and were quite satisfying. After a while we started meeting couples who were soft swap only. They were delightful people to chat with and were ready to have lots of foreplay in the bedroom. Two that I can remember in particular were very beautiful woman.

 

One of them only wanted guys to come between her magnificent breasts so she could spread the cum on her chest to make her skin soft and radiant, or so she said. It's an understatement to say that I was happy to oblige. It was way up there at the top of all my swinging experiences. I really suspect that if we had had intercourse, it would have been OK, but no way could it have been as memorable as what we actually did.

 

We have good friends with whom we have soft swing every time we get together. They have never had penetration with anybody but each other. It works well for all of us.

 

Vive la soft swap (with the right person).

 

Vive la full swap (with the right person).