Jealous because he gives other women more attention than he gives me

[Hawk14 15]

Weird title but couldn't come up with anything more descriptive!

 

This is Mrs. Hawk writing. My hubby and I haven't been married a year yet but have been swinging together for about a year. He was already experienced in this area and had all his feelings about it down to a science...with me it's been more of a slow evolve. To get to the point, I've had some jealousy issues. It has plagued our relationship quite a bit. Sometimes I've felt okay with it and other times I just haven't.

 

What has been more frustrating about it for both of us is that I could never completely come up with WHY I'm hot and cold and why the jealousy. It's become evident that some of it has centered around our own sexual relationship. I see him come alive with another partner and yet he can go days on end without touching me. Have to say that we're both in our early 50's and I know that can be a factor and yet we're both very sexual and sensual people...why can't we get it together with each other? When we've been with others, I see how sensual he really is....he takes his time and seduces beautifully.

 

I'm afraid we've already fallen into the humdrum of an occasional late night encounter which is always predictable...nothing new. I've told him this several times.

 

Quite honestly, it's hard to see your man come alive with his wonderful, slow kisses and caresses with someone else when it doesn't happen hardly ever at home. Also, he loves being very oral with someone else but it's downright rare (VERY rare) with me. I've asked him to be honest if there's something wrong with me there and he claims there isn't. Others have loved doing me in this way.

 

It's just a mystery to me....I've told him I want it all, too...the candles, the hours to explore with each other, etc. He gets easily irritated as if I'm being selfish.

 

I've gotta say...when it isn't happening at home already one can be very insecure in the relationship...my jealousy has been hard to overcome when I've watched this repeatedly and then I say it out loud to him.

 

He claims I'm just jealous and not letting him enjoy. It's like talking to a brick wall. I'm ready to pull the plug on couples AND females over this and our marriage of less than a year is already rocky over this very subject.

 

It just doesn't feel right anymore to me...none of it. Have any of you ever had this experience at any time and how did you ever overcome it????

 

Thanks. I'm very discouraged.

[Hawk14 15]

Just had to ask...is it wrong for me to feel that I want it all, too??? or am I way off base and should expect others getting things I don't. This man does it all for me...we cut out other men just recently and have just bi females for fun...had to make that correction. Hubby hasn't been very pleased with that.

[northindycpl 32]

I am sorry that you are having feelings like this. I haven't been in your position before, really. But, there was a point in our marriage where I wasn't getting the attention I felt like I needed because of our lives. (this didn't happen while we were swinging, it was before many years ago) This isn't advice about swinging, this is my advice about marital sex. It worked for me.

 

We went through a period of time (5 1/2 years) where I was either pregnant or nursing babies. (3 of them) I became a stay at home mom, and Mr. Indy went off to work- a lot. At the end of the day I wanted roses, candles and hours to be alone with him to feel like his woman again, and he wanted to fuck. We just couldn't seem to agree. Days would go by without sex, touching, kissing time together. Days turned to weeks, which turned to months. Life generally sucked.

 

I read an article in a magazine that said to start the daily sex challenge. Have sex everyday for a week. Quickies, nooners, whatever. I choose to get up earlier in the morning and just have quickies. What I found was that by Wednesday, he was so appreciative with the sex, he started spending quality time with me, which led to some of the hottest nooners we have ever had. We haven't really failed since then. We don't have sex everyday anymore (which is fine with us) but we do reach a great compromise with each other on the kind of sex we have.

[twoplayful2 16]

From a guys perspective, that's a pretty good idea Indy! It's really pretty close to the same thing that happened with us and how we (or should I say "she"?) fixed things. Not sure if this will work with Hawk or not cuz I don't know all the particulars but it seems worth a shot. From the little we do know Mr Hawk does sound a bit selfish. Also, with his previous experience he's likely to be pretty stubborn about it all since he thinks he's the expert and I think it's going to be very difficult to get him to agree to stopping swinging stuff completely if that's ever what it comes down to. No advice there, just pointing something out. You're never going to get wooed like you used to, at least not completely at that level. But it does sound like he should definitly be showing you more attention than he has, especially after you bringing it up to him.

[Vantabulous 15]

Mrs. Hawk,

 

At the risk of getting flamed, shot, drawn-and-quartered and spanked, right now, swinging is hurting your relationship with your husband, not helping it. Both of you need to get back to...well, the both of you. Swinging, in your specific context, is frustrating you and allowing Mr. to evade the most important person in his life...his wife. A lousy combination...

 

Swinging should be an enhancement to a great relationship, not a safety net for the "dissatisfied".

[BradAndJanet 70]

You'll get no flames from me, Van, 'cause I agree with you.

 

Hawk14, I think 'pulling the plug' is just the thing for now, until y'all get your own relationship on track again. You can always come back to swinging later.

[jennandjamesinm 87]

Take time to reconnect with each other - your relationship is the #1 priority. Swinging will always be there, you can come back when things aren't so rough. Good Luck to you!!

 

Jenn

[Hawk14 15]

Thanks, everyone! Some great words of wisdom. I know that we should take care ourselves first...after all, we haven't been married for long and have only known each other a couple of years. While, I understand that the wooing is long over (or really...should it be??) the whole swinging thing has made everything so apparent. I must admit that it's hard to get turned on watching hubby with someone else when his tenderness and lovemaking come through loud and clear...LOVEmaking should be for us only. I've made it very clear that the couples thing is over...yet he still would like the bifemales around. But with this, I still get to see his performance. If I got ALL that they did (and hopefully more) then I'd be okay. I love this guy beyond belief and he's the only man I really care to have...guess that's why it hurts so much to share him when I feel I'm getting far less than other women do. I've talked with him about it...now we'll see what happens. Stuff like this can really bring down a relationship fast because we're both so sexual.

[graygo98 148]

I agree with the main thrust of the posts above. The issue to me is not that he is affectionate with others but that he is not towards you, at least in the physical sense. IMHO physical intimacy between husband and wife is part of the glue that holds you together. Not just sex, but small stuff like holding hands, kissing hello, gentle caresses in public places.... this is not something that, like libido, should dim with age.

 

As to him being aroused by new playmates, that's not too unusual nor does it signify any problem in your relationship. See the following excerpt describing the Coolidge effect:

 

As the story goes, in 1927, U.S. President Calvin Coolidge and his wife toured a poultry station, and what happened resulted in an addition to biology textbooks.

 

The President and Mrs. Coolidge ended up in two groups, with the First Lady going first. When Mrs. Coolidge saw a rooster relentlessly going about his task mating with hens, she observed him for a while, and then ask, "Does he do that all day."

 

"Yes, indeed," said the tour guide.

 

"Would you point that out to my husband," the First Lady said.

 

When the President arrived at the sample place and saw the same rooster, the tour guide dutifully told him what the First Lady had said.

 

"And does he regularly change females?", asked the President.

 

"Yes, of course," said the tour guide.

 

"Would you point that out to Mrs. Coolidge," said the President.

 

The Coolidge effect is well known throughout the animal kingdom, and is frequently relied upon to get animals to mate in captivity.

 

Although it is well known that men experience the Coolidge Effect, you might be surprised to learn that when it comes to women, recent studies suggest that the phenomenon has a similar effect. However, with women, there is much more in the way of social, legal, and religious pressures to suppress it.

[hereiam 15]

WOW! I do believe that Hawk was reading my mind when she started this thread.

 

My SO is also more affectionate with other women. I have no clue as to why. I have also asked him if there was anything wrong with me....he always says no.

 

He once did a woman 6 times in one night...he's never gone more than once with me. He dances affectionately with other women also. He never did that with me...until I brought it up to him.

 

This had caused me to be jealous too. I sometime feel like just hanging the whole lifestyle thing up.

[Hawk14 15]

well, dear Mrs. hereiam, I guess we can relate. It has certainly taken the fun out of this lifestyle for me. It just gets to be uncomfortable when I see his reaction.

 

My hubby has put his best foot forward somewhat....last week he was obviously trying to be more affectionate with me. Still, after a few days that all cooled down. Now he's back to staying up later than me (which is really not that uncommon for him at all) and doing his internet porn thing.

 

We have a couple currently interested in us...we've emailed, exchanged pics, etc. and are just waiting to meet. I told him I would meet them but would not play on the first date.

 

Rather than letting it go at that, I always get the lecture of how "if things click, then why not?" We've had that happen before, of course. But I feel worn and beaten down when it comes to the lifestyle these days. When he's with someone else, he gives them excessive long, passionate kisses which I haven't seen in a very long time personally!!! His caresses are wonderful and he seems so "into" it....all that is not abnormal in the lifestyle, but it is when it's not beginning at home where it should be. I feel "traded in" for a time, or "swapped onto another man."

 

I shouldn't be feeling like this if I'm to find any enjoyment in this lifestyle. My fault is that I let it go too long before speaking up, hoping it would improve at home. It certainly hasn't enhanced us in anyway...more like taken away from us.

 

Because I'm bi, we have FMF times....but it's still there with other women...his passion, playfulness and all those things. WHY wouldn't this cause some jealousy issues and resentment???

 

I've just gone into counseling with a swinger-friendly therapist just to be able to talk to SOMEONE!!!

 

Thanks everyone!!! And as for two posts above, yeah, I know what men are by nature....but this could also become a lame excuse for not putting your partner first.

[corkwan 20]

counseling is a good idea... being able to understand yourself is very important if you want to try and make positive changes in your life.

 

i have one other comment. keeping the passion alive in your own marriage is something which takes effort on both sides. it is rather unrealistic to expect every evening to be as hot and sizzling as the first time you kissed. in my own marriage, we have the same issues, that after working all day, you are both tired, and after a while, you fall into a routine. worse than that, you may start to feel like you are entitled to more. entitlement leads to resentment, resentment leads to bad feelings, and you end up fighting more than making love. worse yet, you start putting people into places, the inconsiderate bastard and the unloved woman - then you expect the worst, and treat each other that way.

 

i don't know if this is stating the obvious, and you've already tried this, but how about going on dates together? married couples can suffer because they fall into the rut of, "why bother, we're together now anyway"... and indeed, this can be why swinging is so exciting, because you DO put the effort in, and DO make it sizzle. why not take the time to dress up sexy for each other, go out to dinner or a concert, etc, and even in the bedroom, why not set up a sexy scenario that you both enjoy?

 

instead of shooting him down because he is more sensual with other women, why not encourage this behavior towards yourself. try and be positive, and lead him to the place you want to be, instead of shooting him down. in general this attitude works well for most people.

 

that said, don't put up with too much crap!

 

good luck.

[sugarcheeks44 15]

Very wise words corkwan.

 

Seems that couples have difficulties these days remembering that they are a unit. It really isn't a lack of consideration, a loss of love, nor even one persons fault more than the other.......we simply forget to nurture each other and the relationship.

 

My Grandmother once told me to be careful of how I treat my loved ones, she said we treat strangers better than we treat those we love the most. Seems like we don't care anymore, but, really it is just that we get comfortable in our relationships sometimes then expect our loved ones to put on their "swami" hats read our minds. Like I said, no one person shoulders the blame 100%....The hardest part is to work through it with patience and hope.

 

Keep doing what you are doing Hawk14, take care of your emotional wel being first and keep the line of communication open.

 

My man passed away almost a year ago.......I feel no regrets about how we handled our lives, but, there are a few things that I would've done a bit differently had I known that he would be shot dead..... I did have enough time to hear him say things to me that I knew he felt, but it was good to know that I made him happy during our years together. I also feel fortunate that I was able to let him know that my life with him was one I would have done all over again and not change one thing....He was my partner in love and career, (we were bounty hunters together.....I quit after he was killed went back to school and am a brand new REALTOR).

 

Did we have a perfect life? Nope....we went through a very similar situation as you are experiencing Hawk14. I did what you did, basically, and somehow we got through it.

 

Just try very hard Hawk14 to fight off the jealousy, it is not good for you, nor your relationship.

 

Hugs to you...

 

[JimWActg 15]

It takes a lot more work to keep on ongoing everyday relationship exciting and new than it does to be excited over your first time with someone different.

 

But it is worth it!

 

It is also the only sensible thing to do to keep your main relationship safe and be in the lifestyle. You two need to talk about it and maybe step back from all of this until you get a handle on fixing it.

[hereiam 15]

I have thought about going to counseling.but really cannot afford it. I decided to find a site that he doesn't know about....just to have someone to talk to. I really like all the advice on this site. At least I know that I am not alone. Thank You all!!!

[evulkitty 15]

J and I have had our issues with jealousy within our swinging lives as well. I think even the most devoted of swingers who standby the phrase "jealousy has no place in swinging" will have to admit to having felt it at one time or another. It is a human emotion and not something to be turned on and off like a switch.

 

The great thing about feelings is that it is one of those few and very rare things that nobody can take away from you and the government (no matter how hard they try, lol) can't regulate. Simply put, whatever anyone is feeling has no other option but to be acceptable and the key to dealing with those feelings with another person is the open and honest communication about those feelings.

 

In dealing with the jealousy issues between ourselves, we have found it best to step away from the scene for a while and just focus on ourselves. Eventually we find that we can smooth things out, and the instances where we need to do this become fewer and farther between. I think we do both enjoy swinging and see it as something that has enhanced our own relationship even when we are alone together.

 

I will never claim that we have the best communication skills in the world, but it does seem to be a process that we continue to learn from. Whats funny to me is that we so often hear guys say things like "women are moody" and "gotta ask her at the right time of the month", but guys, have you ever tried to keep track of your own moods? I really gotta say I feel for the ladies on that one! Getting our moods to coincide is AT BEST, challenging. "We need to talk" or "Let's talk about this" brings on about the same feelings in a guy as "you need a root canal".

 

For the jealousy issues you have, the safest thing for your marriage in my opinion IS to back away from swinging for awhile and investigate where those issues are coming from. I've often found that sometimes the feelings originate from places that have nothing to do with sex or swinging whatsoever! Outside stresses from work or family related places. In still other cases, it really ends up being the other person or persons involved in the situation and belongs to neither one of us. Finally sometimes we do have to say "Well, it is just me" and then pursue the issue appropriately.

 

In Mr. Hawk's defense, I myself have been guilty of pouring more affection and attention on the other female. I love my wife no less and have no intention of leaving her out or behind, but it is my feeling that with someone new, we do have to try to impress as much as we can in order to show that we would like to maintain a swinging relationship in the future. Swinging is, after all, high intensity dating. Think about it . . . when you went on a date way back in high school . . .all you had to impress was your date! In swinging you have to impress your dates husband too . . . lol. You would like to know that the people you've been with will go home that night (or the next morning . . . or MONDAY ) and say to each other, "I really like them", or "He was really good and good to me, I hope you enjoyed them enough we could go back again". So yes, my attentions have been unevenly balanced on the other person. I'm not here to say that is right or wrong, but to portray my feelings about it.

 

In YOUR defense, you should never be made to feel uncomfortable in any swinging situation. This is why swingers clubs and parties have rules that MUST be followed. You are absolutely right to want to take the time off and work things out. You were also absolutely right to seek out advice from a wide variety of people who can all share their individual experiences and thoughts so you can take everything we've said into consideration and draw the conclusion that works the best for you.

 

I personally am glad as hell to have found this forum!

 

I wish you the best of luck and hope to hear that things have worked out for you.

[evulkitty 15]

I know, after that longwinded response, you don't want to hear from me again . . . lol

 

Just wanted to add since I had kind of skipped over the issue of the attention he gives you when you're alone . . .

 

When we do take the time do step back and evaluate ourselves, we try to find things to do with each other that are somewhat new or different or something we don't get to do very often, just to keep the spark between the TWO of us shining.

 

One of our favorite things to do is to break out the digital camera or the camcorder and just see how damn nasty we can be. She'll even dress up all slutty or something equally enticing and we'll "perform" for the camera. Even alone with just the two of us, a camera lens can be a bit intimidating, but thats nothing a couple shots of Tequila couldn't cure in the past!

 

Even if nobody ever sees the pics but the two of us (and its looking more and more like thats the way its going to stay, isn't it Mr. government? soapbox ) it still excites us and keeps things rolling along for the two of us.

 

I hope I've helped and not bored you silly . . .

[naturalchic 15]

I don't know if this would help but I have had alot of similiar senarios, My bf/partner of almost 6 yrs have been in lifestyle for over 4 yrs... His suggestion,We have had only soft swing experience, I don't feel at this point in my relationship the need to exchange with others, watching is a turn on, but only relations with him... can't think of many exchanges and I felt I was holding him back... He talks abut watching me with others and it just doesn't sit right with me Once or twice out of anger I did engage in touching other and vice versa but it really wasn't me... I tried to be open but it disturbs me alot... fantasy and talking abut it is one thing doing it another, that was my hangup.... I wasn't dishonest always communicating how I felt... well anyway relationship is 90 percent disolved right now... can't deal with jealousy and feeling he would like more.... hope this helps u cause it doesn't help me... but I think u have to be different to engage in this lifestyle different attitude, different morals, different outlook on sex

[BiDrywallChick 18]

I have thought about going to counseling.but really cannot afford it. I decided to find a site that he doesn't know about....just to have someone to talk to. I really like all the advice on this site. At least I know that I am not alone. Thank You all!!!

 

just a little side note.. you can always go to county mental health in your state. they have a sliding scale and also have programs for those who cannot afford to pay or who do not have insurance.. just something to think about