Jealous of Wife's Lesbian playmate

[Bigun 15]

No, I'm not a lesbian (I'm a guy). But here's what is happening.

 

Me and my wife are swingers (suprise, suprise), and we have both full swapped in the same room without many issues at all. Me and her have *always* been looking for a single female for us to play with for a while. And after a near 2 year search, we haven't even came close.

 

Then my wife starts this job and meets a girl who happens to be lesbian (when I say lesbian, I mean a woman with *NO* interest in men... period). The two clicked almost right away and then I was approached with the question if the two could play together. I basically said it would be fine as long as I could watch (I'm more of a voyer anyway). After this said lesbian was told of the one condition, she wasn't interested.

 

My wife didn't like this, she begged and pleaded for me to allow the two to play alone. I finally gave in and said "yes".

 

Well, she came over one day and I happened to be out of the house. There was no plan to play, but my wife asked if it was ok if the two could kiss, and I said "yes". After I hung up the phone, I felt this anxiety come over me, like the possibility of this other girl could possibly take her away from me.... and that I was missing out on part of my wife's sexuality.... I felt cheated.... or cheated on, I'm not sure.

 

I called back and said it was late and that I had to come home (after all, when one has to get up at 6 AM, they need their sleep), my wife was a little peeved but she agreed. When I walked through the door I saw her and her friend sitting on the couch talking. I waved, fixed myself some food, ate, and promptly went to bed, my wife continued to stay up for a bit longer.

 

As I was sleeping I heard my wife moaning downstairs, soon after that, the other girl left. When I heard my wife moan, I felt this feeling of jealousy crawl all over me, not necessarily that it wasn't me causing the moaning... but that I wasn't there to watch (or prolly better yet, not allowed to watch).

 

I know jealousy shouldn't be part of the lifestyle, but me and my wife came to an agreement when we first started this, that we would keep everything same room. Then to bring someone in who could possibly start a relationship with my wife, and want alone time with her, is killing me.

 

After a long talk, we decided it would be best if things went half and half. Half the time I watch, half the time I don't.

 

So a conclusion is drawn between wife and husband. But here is why I am writting:

 

Should this other girl not agree to the newfound condition, should I give into pressure of the two playing alone for good?

 

Are my feelings somewhat childish? Or do I have a legitimate reason to be a bit jealous?

[EvilMJ 65]

Honestly I think you are caving into pressure and in the end you are going to be unhappy and it is going to cause stress on your marriage.

 

Swinging only works if everyone is happy, what you are doing is the equivalent of taking one for the team to keep your wife happy. Your feelings are legitimate and you have every right to be apprehensive. How would your wife feel if the roles were reversed and she had to sit at home while you were out playing with some other woman who wanted a realtionship with just you. I have a feeling it would not go over well.

 

It sounds to me like your wife is being a little selfish and childish...you say she begged and pleaded with you until you said yes...then she was peeved because you had to come home and go to bed...sounds like she needs to stop thinking about her needs and remember that you are supposed to be the most important person in her life...swinging is just an activity.

 

Ask yourself what you are truly comfortable with and then go from there. I would be a little nervous about her playing with someone she works with every day....is this woman going to respect your marriage....Are you completey comfortable with her, has she given you the chance to get to know her, after all you are letting her share something very intimate and personal with your wife, don't you think you deserve that much?

[Bigun 15]

To be honest, I don't remember if she begged or just asked. All I know is right after I agreed, I had that overhwelming feeling of jealousy. I'm assuming she begged because I don't think I would have gave in easily.

 

As far as the other woman respecting our marriage, I have no idea. The whole time I was there she spoken about 3 words to me. And she does know about our swinger lifestyle. I'm not sure what to think of her.

[two4youinswva 3,068]

It sounds to me like your wife is being a little selfish and childish...you say she begged and pleaded with you until you said yes...then she was peeved because you had to come home and go to bed...sounds like she needs to stop thinking about her needs and remember that you are supposed to be the most important person in her life...swinging is just an activity.

 

Dito That was exactly my thoughts as well. I know we're only hearing one side of the story, but that comes across as very selfish on her part.

 

Actually, I agree with everything EMJ says. Very good advice IMHO.

 

Jealousy happens, but you are recognizing it and dealing with it, and that's a good thing!

[midnight hour 16]

I know that Mr. Midnight said if I found a *girlfriend* that it would be okay for me to play with her at other times when he was not around, and actually even said it maybe better all the way around if my first real bi experience was with just the 2 ladies...so far both of my bi experiences have been pretty crappy...but he would like to be there some of the time...so far like everyone else, the search for a possible girlfriend has went really slow..lol...

 

I think you are feeling reasonable feelings...everyone is different...and just because the other is a woman does not mean that jealousy can not rear its head...it is something you want to be part of...to be honest I don't know how well even with Mr. Midnights blessings I would feel alone with another partner, male or female. But it is a issue to talk about for sure...

 

I do think there is a difference between *bi women* VS *lesbians* in the things they are looking for in a relationship...so your feelings may not be that far off mark...not to sound mean or anything...but the fact is lesbians actually want little to nothing to do with men, period...

[Bigun 15]

not to sound mean or anything...but the fact is lesbians actually want little to nothing to do with men, period...

 

She has made this overabundantly obvious. See first post about 3 spoken words.

[two4youinswva 3,068]

...not to sound mean or anything...but the fact is lesbians actually want little to nothing to do with men, period...

Midnight Hour

 

I agree there are a lot of lesbians that fit into this category, but I feel it's too big of a generalization to make. One of my (Mr two4you) best friends in the world is 100% bonafide lesbian. She was actually my "best man" at our wedding.

 

We as a couple have several lesbian friends that are very comfortable with both of us socially. They don't want to screw me, but they enjoy hanging out with my wife and me.

 

And yes, my wife has a couple lesbian friends that obviously don't give a rat's ass about me. They don't like or dislike me. They just don't appear to have any interest in me socially or otherwise.

[midnight hour 16]

Bigun said:

She has made this overabundantly obvious. See first post about 3 spoken words.

And I think that is mostly where your feelings are coming from...and I can't really blame you...because in swinging it involves both partners..with a third or fourth for added enjoyment....and I am sure, as it most likely would be to me, it stinks like a affair...even if you are aware.

 

I have a really good friend, as it turns out his daughter who grew up in my home with my oldest son is a lesbian...I am 44, this girl is all of 19...her girlfriend is jealous of me talking to her or anything...lol...sits there and glares at me.

 

And then again I have known lesbian couples who are friendly to everyone...men included...it is like any relationship I guess...depends on the people involved.

[EvilMJ 65]

I had a thought after I mulled this over.

 

Some people can do the whole playing alone thing. In fact I have left my hubby home with another woman while I went out with her husband. The point here is that I would only do that with someone I knew, trusted and approved of. I would not leave my husband alone with someone I did not know or trust. I would feel jelous, left out and hurt. I think you both need to sit down and full discuss what it is you both want, what you are comfortable with and where your lines are. It could be that your wife is just caught up in the newness and excitement of it all. If that is the case then she won't mind stepping away from the situation to determine what is best for everyone involved.

[Bigun 15]

I'm not sure how I feel about this girl. If she were to actually conversate with me, I might feel more comfortable. But her acting like I don't exist isn't flying with me.

[Alura 2,775]

I'd be just as upset as you are. Your situation is not "swinging" and could very easily threaten your marriage.

 

My question, like yours, would be the motivation of the lesbian. I've known a lot of people, both male and female, who loved to "fall in love" with a married person until the marriage broke up. Then they lost interest. I think it's an ego thing.

 

I'm not saying your wife's friend is so motivated, but I think it might be possible.

 

I'd be very careful, and please explain to your wife exactly what you are feeling. It might help to ask her to read this thread.

 

Good luck in resolving this critical matter.

[Vespertine 31]

I'd be just as upset as you are. Your situation is not "swinging" and could very easily threaten your marriage.

I agree... this has the potential to get very bad.

 

This situation could get way out of hand and confuse your wife too. If she's never experienced a relationship with a woman before, she might question her feelings for this woman... the friendship/love line is a strange one when it comes to us gals.

[CB_n_Red 16]

I was going to stay out of this one but EvilMJ's comments got me thinking hard about it.

 

It's down to that bit about trust and approval. We only play separately with one couple, who we know very well and who we trust and approve of completely. We don't do anything like that with anyone else when it comes to couple/couple interaction (the club and party scene is rather different of course).

 

As others have said, what is going on there is not swinging by most people's definition and has a lot of marriage wrecking potential. Swinging has to be consensual, meaning that all parties must be completely happy with what is going on. That isn't the case for Bigun. In our book that would mean that things should stop. If the wife isn't prepared to stop and persists in pressuring Bigun it will lead to trouble. No doubt about that.

 

I also think this is another of times where we have to be careful of the double standard. If it was a husband applying pressure to be allowed to play alone without his wife's full agreement I can imagine the reaction here on the board.

 

Bigun, it's clear that this other woman has no respect for you or your marriage. I feel you need to ask your wife whether her interest in this other woman is worth your marriage.

 

Blunt? Yes I am. Sorry if that upsets. Must be something to do with being a Yorkshireman....

 

I do wish you good luck though.

[DJTriad 15]

Honestly I think you are caving into pressure and in the end you are going to be unhappy and it is going to cause stress on your marriage.

Swinging only works if everyone is happy, what you are doing is the equivalent of taking one for the team to keep your wife happy. Your feelings are legitimate and you have every right to be apprehensive. How would your wife feel if the roles were reversed and she had to sit at home while you were out playing with some other woman who wanted a relationship with just you. I have a feeling it would not go over well.

Dito

 

My spouses and I will swing separately due to our tastes, etc. We have a complete understanding though that if there is any reason whatsoever that any of us is uncomfortable with that person/couple, then we do NOT go or continue that relationship for the fact that our relationship is first, and nobody is worth risking that.

 

If you can't even converse with this woman, nor does she give you a chance to get to know her, or for her to get to know you, then you should be completely honest with your wife. Communicate your feelings fully, tell her that this woman makes you uncomfortable and state all of the reasons. You definitely have a valid reason for being insecure given the obvious.

[twoplayful2 16]

You shouldn't have to be splitting it in half when you feel the way you do about it. You're totally uncomfortable with your wife being with this other woman while you're not around and she should understand this (that you ARE uncomfortable, even if she doesn't understand or agree with the reason why) and accept it. And if you're going to stick with that 50/50 thing, which IMO is a bad idea still, you're totally in the right to want to push that and see how it goes.

[rogue97 15]

I agree, ya'll should stick together, it's both or nothing. And trust me, there are bisexual women out there who would love to play with both you and your wife. It's just a matter of don't quit lookin, they are out there.

[DBL D 120]

I'm sorry to say this but this thing sucks big time. You are a helluva a man to put up with it. I do believe that Fem D and I will someday become able to play separately but it would have to be with the halves of couples we know and trust. This woman isn't desiring to know you at all. That would hurt me, if nothing else...

 

Good luck but I think this would be a very dangerous situation if we were in it.

[JandCMI 15]

Then my wife starts this job and meets a girl who happens to be lesbian (when I say lesbian, I mean a woman with *NO* interest in men... period). The two clicked almost right away and then I was approached with the question if the two could play together. I basically said it would be fine as long as I could watch (I'm more of a voyer anyway). After this said lesbian was told of the one condition, she wasn't interested.

 

This would have been the deal breaker for me.

 

As the others have questioned, what is the motivation of the lesbian? If I were you, I would see to it that this shit is stopped asap.

[stupidnewbie 15]

My wife and I went through this several years ago. Gal she was seeing was a total, hardcore lesbian and would barely even acknowledge that I was in the picture at all. I put my foot down and made the wife end it... turns out the lesbian had this "thing" and wanted to break us up... just to spite me... solely because I am a man... and she isn't and can never be....

 

Watch your back in this case!

[hotcpl4unfla 19]

Yipes. I guess everyone has different rules, but my wife and I completely understand her FF play is only when I'm around to watch. She is socially bi, which we define as being bi when others are present for the sheer exhibitionism of it. Her and her g/f put on a little 69 show for me the other day- what a treat! It doesn't bother me that this other woman makes her come; I love watching it. It sounds like you weren't clear enough in your wishes, so now you have to deal with it. It's best to be 100% confident and stand firm in your decisions when they involve your sex life. I'd have a serious problem (personally) if she got ticked off at me for insisting I watch the show. Bad idea letting her play with a devout lesbian. Good luck, hope it works out.

[Nymph an' Satyr 22]

Okay, pretend that this "lesbian" was a guy that had a thing for your wife. Would you put up with this shit in that circumstance? I'm guessing not. So why put up with it from a lesbian?

 

If you are uneasy- that is your answer.

[intuition897 2,179]

Okay, pretend that this "lesbian" was a guy that had a thing for your wife. Would you put up with this shit in that circumstance? I'm guessing not. So why put up with it from a lesbian?

 

If you are uneasy- that is your answer.

 

 

I was about to post for this thread, but then I read Nymph an' Satyr's response. Bigun, the whole situation just stinks right from your first post. If I had to read between the lines, I'd say her motives were less than pure. AND your wife, if she were a guy, could be accused of letting the little head do the thinking for the big head.

[IndyGirl2004 18]

I totally agree with the last two posts. The lesbian is not respecting you and/or your feelings (assuming she knows how you feel), and neither is your wife if she continues with this knowing how you feel about it all. I suppose it's easy to get carried away, especially if she's liking the bi-play, but she needs to fully hear and understand where you're coming from. Sounds like bad news to me, too.

 

Best of luck to you as you work through this one.

[EternallySingle 32]

If I know one thing about women, its how to LOSE their respect. The quickest way to do that is to give in to their desires when you both know it will make you unhappy. I hate to be harsh, but you are thinking with your little head to make your wife happy, and its making you miserable. Be honest. If the two of you were looking for a single guy to join you, your wife found a guy at work, and he only wanted to play with her alone, you would have said no way. If you had found a woman at work and she only wanted to play with you alone, your wife not involved, she would have said no way.

 

Tell this woman she is interfering in your marriage and either she lets you at least watch the two of them or she has nothing to do with your wife sexually. Period. There will be some hard feelings between you and your wife for a while after that, but eventually she will learn that you will stand up for yourself, no matter what the circumstances. Think of this as a test.

 

Giving in to her desire to be with this woman that wants nothing to do with you, even though it is causing these obvious feelings of jealousy and loss, will eventually make her think you will let her do anything, even if you don't like it. If you have or plan to have kids, that is a bad thing. That will start her to thinking that you won't stand up for yourself to avoid conflicts. That will lead to her believing you won't stand up for her. And that will lead to her losing respect for you and your ability to protect your family. I know. I was just there. As of February 18 I've been looking for a new girlfriend...all because I avoided an argument with her. Strange but true.

 

Don't continue to let this affair continue under your nose. Everytime she and her lesbian lover gets together, you become weaker in the back of her mind. Not because this woman loves her more, but because you are letting yourself be hurt by her and not doing anything to stop it.

 

I'm not trying to sound macho. I'm just saying that she has to know you will be there to stand up for her, and the first step is to show you will stand up for yourself. Would you stay with her if you thought someone could threaten your family and she would do nothing to stop it, just look on and say "I don't like that"? I think not.