Help! How do you get past the "first time" jitters?

[Plumeria 15]

Okay, as a single, bi-curious female with no experience, I came to this site knowing very little about swinging, but was armed with plenty of curiousity and interest about it. I have been reading (and posting some) on this site for about 6 months now, and have learned tons. Thanks you so much!

 

So now I finally have a chance to jump in, and I've got the jitters about getting my feet wet. I have my profile posted on an adult site, and after several misses, I finally got an invitation from a couple that's a direct hit. I mean, after getting their email, I looked at their profile and it all looks great, on paper. They only play with bi-sexual or bi-curious single females. My heart jumped when I saw their photo too! Can you have chemistry with a photo? lol

 

So now, they are impressed with my profile and photos as well, and are wanting to meet me. In fact that is the invitation, is "to meet for a drink and see where it goes?" In their profile they say they are looking for a bi or bi-curious female for fun and experimentation, and they are open to most situations. Sounds great!

 

Okay, so I'm all excited, but at the same time, my heart started pounding, hands started getting clamy, etc. That all subsided to some degree later. lol However, I'm having trouble getting the nerve up to accept their invitation for a drink. And yet, I can't keep from going back to their profile over and over, and looking at it and how it's exactly what I've been looking for. I almost get a panicked feeling, when I think of letting the opportunity slip away. And yet I'm stuck.

 

I think it's mostly the fear of the unknown, since I've never met anyone before. What should I expect? Will they ask me questions? Of course they will, I tell myself. lol What type of questions? Will I blush? Stutter my answers? Try too hard or not enough? What if we hit it off, and then I chicken out on the next step after that? I would hate to do that to them.

 

Anyway, I looked through the previous posts and didn't see my dilemma "exactly" so I thought I would post and see if I could get some insight/advice that might help me out.

 

Thanks in advance for the help!

[Sunswept 161]

Hi! Remember to breath!

You have met people before! Lets say you were meeting this couple for some other reason, what would you do, how would you feel? Maybe you would still be anxious, excited etc? There is always a bit of a buzz when we do new things or meet new people, or at least it is that way for me!

 

So, just try to put the swinging part in the background, take that pressure off of yourself, and look at this as meeting fun new people for the first time! Just go moment to moment and don't over think this! Its normal to have some jitters, they will be a bit jittery too I imagine! You will have that in common right off the bat!

 

You know how when we try to imagine how something will go, and it never goes that way? Just look at this as an experience you are going to give to yourself and take it one step at a time. Accept the invite. You have a choice at each step of the way, they want "meet for drinks and see where it goes", so just take them at their word and think of it as only that step. Then just be yourself, be open, share your stories with each other, maybe not be too attached to your outcomes.. just relax and have fun, get to know each other and let your "gut feelings" guide you!

[Chip_n_Muffy 16]

This brings up an interesting point. Couples have each other to talk to, reassure each other, guide one another. Singles have no support. They step in all on their own. Maybe if you explain to the couple your "newbieness" they can become your mentors. That and as much support and advice as you can get here in the forums might help. Muffy and I had the jitters the first time, even though we had each other for support and had talked and talked and talked about it. I would guess the best advice that I can offer is to try to relax, be yourself, and see what happens. I am sure more qualified people will weigh in shortly with advice. Lots of knowledgable, experienced people here, and most are willing to help from what I have seen.

 

Chip

[BradAndJanet 70]

I've never been in your shoes, but if you've done your homework and you know to meet them in a safe place, I think this is just one of those moments (like jumping in a pool you know is going to be cold) that you have to take a deep breath, put one foot in front of the other and just do it. I'll bet you'll be glad you did and wonder why you were afraid.

 

-B

[Plumeria 15]

You have met people before! Lets say you were meeting this couple for some other reason, what would you do, how would you feel? Maybe you would still be anxious, excited etc? There is always a bit of a buzz when we do new things or meet new people, or at least it is that way for me!

 

Taking a deep breath...thanks And what you said makes a lot of sense. If I were meeting them for any other reason, it would still be sort of the same feeling, so thanks for the perspective on that.

 

So, just try to put the swinging part in the background, take that pressure off of yourself, and look at this as meeting fun new people for the first time! Just go moment to moment and don't over think this! Its normal to have some jitters, they will be a bit jittery too I imagine! You will have that in common right off the bat!

 

I hadn't thought of it that way before. It helps if I can "put he swinging part in the back ground" and think of this as just meeting new friends. I sent them an email this morning in response to the "would you be willing to meet for a drink and see where this goes..." and said, "I think so, but could I get back to you? I promise not to make you wait too long." And they emailed me back and said, "Of course. Let us know..." With them saying "of course" made me breathe a sigh of relief, mostly because they still sound so nice.

 

Then just be yourself, be open, share your stories with each other, maybe not be too attached to your outcomes.. just relax and have fun, get to know each other and let your "gut feelings" guide you!

 

Sounds good. I think I'll print this out to remind me

[lostnwilds 15]

Have read your storie sounds like what mrs Lost and i have run in too a couple of times.

i second the dive in too till the three of you meet none ov you will ever know.

pleas poast to let us know what hapons

[Plumeria 15]

This brings up an interesting point. Couples have each other to talk to, reassure each other, guide one another. Singles have no support. They step in all on their own. Chip

 

Yeah, I think that's another reason for the jitters. I was sort of thinking of this as 2 against 1....lol

[Plumeria 15]

I've never been in your shoes, but if you've done your homework and you know to meet them in a safe place, I think this is just one of those moments (like jumping in a pool you know is going to be cold) that you have to take a deep breath, put one foot in front of the other and just do it. I'll bet you'll be glad you did and wonder why you were afraid.

 

-B

 

Thanks B. Good point

[Plumeria 15]

Have read your storie sounds like what mrs Lost and i have run in too a couple of times.

i second the dive in too till the three of you meet none ov you will ever know.

pleas poast to let us know what hapons

 

Yeah, I think I've read every story on here...lol Believe me, reading it all really helps too. Thanks

[Sunswept 161]

....I sent them an email this morning in response to the "would you be willing to meet for a drink and see where this goes..." and said, "I think so, but could I get back to you? I promise not to make you wait too long." And they emailed me back and said, "Of course. Let us know..." With them saying "of course" made me breathe a sigh of relief, mostly because they still sound so nice.

You go girl!

You were just being yourself, going at your own pace and way, and they are cool with that! One of the things I think people forget about the internet and email etc is that when you hit the send button, it doesn't go to a computer, it goes to people, with the same concerns we ourselves have. Now, you have found out they are considerate and patient, a big thing. Yeah, they are nice!

 

Just be out front with them like you have been, perhaps think about what you want to happen with an encounter with them.. and write back if you feel you are ready! Step by step! Now, deciding if you want to do this or not is up to you!

 

Ever been invited to an event or function that you had mixed feelings about going to...but you went anyway and had a blast? Maybe you are feeling like that, I don't know... but you really have nothing to lose in meeting them, and much to gain, no matter what happens.

 

You can always just meet, and make any decisions later, just having a feel for each other will make those decisions so much easier. If you, or they, decide to pass you will have the experience of going through the process of seeing if prospective partner(s) are a match for you in the swinging context. A big step and milestone! And if you all decide to proceed... well, I will leave that to you to discover! You sound a bit amazed that they said 'of course".. I wonder how else they will amaze you! And you them!

[Sunswept 161]

...Couples have each other to talk to, reassure each other, guide one another. Singles have no support. They step in all on their own. Maybe if you explain to the couple your "newbieness" ....

Such good point about singles, yeah it is a bit like working on the highwire without a net. Just being open will not only help the couple to understand the situation, being open and out front is so sexy in itself!

[intuition897 2,179]

Hi there Plumeria, just thought I'd chime in.

 

You've gotten some really good advice. The most important piece of advice you've gotten so far is to breathe! Try not to worry too much. Like someone said above, 10 minutes into the meeting you'll laugh at yourself for fretting so much. We did the very same thing the first time we went to a swingers club. When we realized it was just a bunch of people in one place all admitting that they were horny... well it didn't seem quite as threatening. I'd say just be a real person, don't put on an act. One common trick public speakers are advised to use to defuse nervousness is imagining the audience in their underwear. I'd say that advice would work here on so many levels lol

[Plumeria 15]

You were just being yourself, going at your own pace and way, and they are cool with that! ....You sound a bit amazed that they said 'of course"..

 

Yeah! I don't know why, but I was a bit amazed they were cool with me not giving them an answer right away. I don't know why. Probably because like you said, "One of the things I think people forget about the internet and email etc is that when you hit the send button, it doesn't go to a computer, it goes to people, with the same concerns we ourselves have." I had already told them up front, that I had absolutely no experience, so they were just being understanding of me not throwing caution to the wind and saying, "let's for it!" Wow, imagine that?

 

Ever been invited to an event or function that you had mixed feelings about going to...but you went anyway and had a blast?

 

Oh boy, I sure have! I almost always end up having a great time, and wondering why I ever dragged my feet about going. lol Thanks for reminding me of that!

[Plumeria 15]

Hi there Plumeria, just thought I'd chime in.

 

You've gotten some really good advice. The most important piece of advice you've gotten so far is to breathe! Try not to worry too much. Like someone said above, 10 minutes into the meeting you'll laugh at yourself for fretting so much. We did the very same thing the first time we went to a swingers club. When we realized it was just a bunch of people in one place all admitting that they were horny... well it didn't seem quite as threatening. I'd say just be a real person, don't put on an act. One common trick public speakers are advised to use to defuse nervousness is imagining the audience in their underwear. I'd say that advice would work here on so many levels lol

 

Thanks Intuition! I think you're right, and 10 minutes into it, I'll have forgotten all about whatever made me nervous to begin with. All I've seen is their pictures, and read their emails, but from their faces, smiles and words, they seem like genuinely warm people. It was what drew me to their invitation to begin with, I'm sure. Anyway, I'm sooo glad I posted this, because everything you all have told me so far, has helped a LOT. Thanks

[Dynamar 246]

Plumeria ... you've gotten all manner of great advice here.

 

Just wanted to tell you about my first experience meeting with a couple. We met for dinner at a casual dining restaurant. And really, the best word to describe the experience was nice. They were a great couple, very personable, very much in love and attentive to one another. They made me very much comfortable by asking me questions about myself... we talked about jobs, their kids, places we'd lived. Yes, they asked me about my sexuality and my experiences, and I asked them some questions too.

 

It was all very comfortable, and a great first experience for me. We didn't end up playing together for a couple of reasons... both of them on my part... but mainly because they were several years older than me, and while they were very nice and I would have enjoyed spending time with them, I wasn't attracted to them sexually because they sort of gave me a "parent vibe" (as in my parents!).

 

But you see, that is cool too. Truly nice people don't want to see truly nice people doing things they don't want to do. As sunswept said... and I'm paraphrasing here... don't be attached to the outcome, just meet and enjoy them as people, and then go from there.

 

Listen to what both your heart and head tell you is the right thing to do and do it! However, never do anything your heart and head tell you not to do either. As chip n muffy point out, you're in this by yourself with nobody to "bounce" things off of... yes, that can be a weighty concern for singles like us. Stick to your intuition on all things, because 'no means no' and again, nobody who truly understand the lifestyle will be offended by that, and those who don't... well, good riddance.

 

Just take it all one step at a time, baby, and you'll be fine. Let us know how it all works out, ok?

[Plumeria 15]

Thank you so much for sharing your story Dynamar It really helped and I can tell my jitters are about this are beginning to fade. Amazing what a little perspective from people who have "been there" can do for helping to calm the butterflies.

 

I can understand your reasons on the first encounter, too. This couple is actually younger than me...15 for her, 10 for him, and so my age was sort of concerning me to a degree. Although I've always looked and acted quite a bit younger than my actual age.

 

Anyway, I appreciate you sharing your story, because it helped. I also feel better about not attaching too much importance to the outcome. Instead, just meet and see what happens. If nothing else, I'd love to just make new friends, since I don't have too many of those right now, having moved to a new place.

 

Thanks again, and yes, I'll let you know how it works out

[Dynamar 246]

I can understand your reasons on the first encounter, too. This couple is actually younger than me...15 for her, 10 for him, and so my age was sort of concerning me to a degree. Although I've always looked and acted quite a bit younger than my actual age.

 

You're very welcome Plumeria ... anytime! What you said here is exactly where I find myself most of the time. I work with two younger, very hot women in their 20s, and one of them is a close friend and confidant. Biologically, I could be the mother of the younger one, but I always say "I never feel like their mom, but rather their older, wiser sister who gives a better blow job!"

 

It's amazing though the number of single males who love being with women several years older than themselves. I really like that! And I've not really had the opportunity to play with any younger couples to date, however... the couples I've had the good fortune to party with have been around my same age.

 

Sounds like you are on a good path here. Be safe, and have fun!

[Sunswept 161]

....It was all very comfortable, and a great first experience for me. We didn't end up playing together for a couple of reasons... both of them on my part... but mainly because they were several years older than me, and while they were very nice and I would have enjoyed spending time with them, I wasn't attracted to them sexually because they sort of gave me a "parent vibe" (as in my parents!).

 

But you see, that is cool too. Truly nice people don't want to see truly nice people doing things they don't want to do......

This a really great point, in the beginning it is natural to think "Will they want to play with me?" and sort of forget that after meeting them, we may not feel it's the right thing for US to play with them. I feel that keeping in mind that everything is a two-way thing helps, and also just because a play situation does not develope, it can still be a great experience.

[Sunswept 161]

....... I can tell my jitters are about this are beginning to fade. Amazing what a little perspective from people who have "been there" can do for helping to calm the butterflies.

Everyone has been in your shoes at some point, what you are feeling is normal and just talking about it helps! I remember someone one told me " If you're scared, say you're scared," and that really works for me.. Johnny Carson said he always got butterflies before every show, Stevie Nicks says that too..

 

....... This couple is actually younger than me...15 for her, 10 for him, and so my age was sort of concerning me to a degree. Although I've always looked and acted quite a bit younger than my actual age.

There are a lot of interesting differences in swinging with others from more "conventional" ways of expressing sexuality, and exposure to a WIDE RANGE OF AGES is one that is very cool IMHO. I do know what you mean, at first the age difference thing can be a tad anxiety provoking...

 

........ I also feel better about not attaching too much importance to the outcome. Instead, just meet and see what happens. If nothing else, I'd love to just make new friends, since I don't have too many of those right now, having moved to a new place.

Yeah, easy does it, just go with the flow, you are on the right track here. Actually being new gives you an advantage, getting your new friends to show you around a bit would be a fun way to get to know each other. I'm in Seattle too, hope you will consider me a new friend!

 

Best wishes to you on your adventure!

[SluttyWife 17]

By bringing my favourite friends to the party that hold my hand along the way. Nothing like having somebody familiar around to "show you the ropes". Champagne helps, too.

 

Slutty Wife ;-*

[NaughtyKitten 16]

Plumeria,

 

We are very new to the lifestyle and although we are a couple I can relate to the jitters you are feeling. We met our first couple at a bar for drinks. Before we walked in I sqeezed my husband's hand so hard his knuckles turned white! I was soooooo nervous. But, after we walked in and started talking to them the nerves went away and we had a great time. We didn't play that first night. Maybe if you state that up front, that you do not want to play on the first meet, it will take some pressure off of you. Just an idea.

 

Good luck and have a great time!

[Plumeria 15]

Yeah, easy does it, just go with the flow, you are on the right track here. Actually being new gives you an advantage, getting your new friends to show you around a bit would be a fun way to get to know each other. I'm in Seattle too, hope you will consider me a new friend!

Best wishes to you on your adventure!

 

Thanks! And it's cool to have a friend close by so to speak.

[Plumeria 15]

By bringing my favourite friends to the party that hold my hand along the way. Nothing like having somebody familiar around to "show you the ropes". Champagne helps, too.

 

Slutty Wife ;-*

 

Good idea!

[Plumeria 15]

Plumeria,

 

We are very new to the lifestyle and although we are a couple I can relate to the jitters you are feeling. We met our first couple at a bar for drinks. Before we walked in I sqeezed my husband's hand so hard his knuckles turned white! I was soooooo nervous. But, after we walked in and started talking to them the nerves went away and we had a great time. We didn't play that first night. Maybe if you state that up front, that you do not want to play on the first meet, it will take some pressure off of you. Just an idea.

 

Good luck and have a great time!

 

Thanks Kitten! I can just imagine how you squeezed your husband's hand, because I think I would be too! But it really helps to hear how your nervousness went away pretty soon and you had a great time. Your suggestion of no play on the first meet is a good one too. Good idea! Thanks!

[Plumeria 15]

Okay, I finally had the meeting, and so here's the update.

 

The meeting was set for Friday night and I did really well with not having too many butterflies about it I had printed out the posts from here and re-read them, whenever I would start to feel nervous. What REALLY helped, was thinking of it as just meeting new friends for the first time.

 

We met at a local restaurant, for dinner and drinks. I thought I would be the most nervous at the last minute, but as I walked into the restaurant, I was only slightly nervous, which was good.

 

They had just arrived, so we essentially got there at almost the same time. Right off the bat, they struck me as really nice and their smiles were just as warm in person, as in their photos. They seemed pleased with what they saw too, and commented on how my pictures had been a good represention of how I truly look and not all they've met with before, are that way.

 

Anyway, we sat in a sort of out-of-the-way section of the restaurant and were far enough away from other people, to give us some semblance of privacy, which was nice. We then ordered and just talked and the conversation was really easy and never forced. I suddenly realized all of my nervousness was gone and they didn't seem nervous either. We had several things in common...food, favorite drinks, hobbies, places we've traveled to and the things we saw there, etc.

 

Towards the end of the meal and later in the evening, is when the subject turned to sexual preferences and history. I listened to stories of some of their encounters and what they were hoping for with this one. I answered their questions about my sexual experiences and they were surprised with how little experience I had. A lot of it had to do with the years I worked in our family business, and rarely had any spare time of my own to date and whatnot. Plus, I had a few years of taking care of terminally ill parents almost 24/7 and that cut into my social life.

 

In any case, they really liked my honesty they said, and liked my demeanor and personality, but were reluctant to go past anything but friendship right now. Their main concern, was my inexperience, and I can understand that. They knew I didn't have any swinging experience going in, but didn't know I was so inexperienced in general, until we talked in depth. They were still interested in keeping in touch though, because we seemed to hit it off rather well.

 

Anyway, the meeting went very well and we had a great time laughing and talking, and ended the evening with warm hugs and a promise to keep in touch.

 

So even though we won't be doing any playing at this time, they seemed genuinely as glad to meet me, as I was them

[NaughtyKitten 16]

Glad your first meeting was nice! Now you won't feel so much nervousness the next time. We don't feel nervous like that anymore. We have had a few meetings with new people and always think of them as meeting new friends. Sounds like you met some new friends. Good luck with your next meeting!

[Dynamar 246]

Hi P... I too am glad to read of your pleasant experience. Perhaps if you stay in touch with this couple, they could become "mentors" of sorts... even if you all decide not to play together. Being single myself, I sometimes feel a little lonely that I don't have that many people to talk about "lifestyle stuff" with. Of course, there's the folks here... and that's great... but I sometimes need more, a "live" person I can talk to face-to-face or on the phone.

 

Glad too that you got a good example of how meeting people for themselves can be so rewarding. There are lots of folks to expouse the "friends first" philosophy, especially when they're first starting out. For me, it's more "attraction first, maybe friends later" kind of thing... and that's fine with me! All kinds of relationships tend to "find their own level" as a friend of mine is fond of saying... and he's right. There are those who you'll play with who'll become close confidants and others who will be more casual acquaintances. Enjoy them all!

[Sunswept 161]

...

Anyway, the meeting went very well and we had a great time laughing and talking, and ended the evening with warm hugs and a promise to keep in touch.

 

So even though we won't be doing any playing at this time, they seemed genuinely as glad to meet me, as I was them

 

Good for you! Sounds like it went splendedly! Laughing and talking, warm hugs and new friends all seems like a really positive way for you to dip your toe in the water!

 

I admire they way you waltzed through those butterflies! And the way you were patient, honest and... well, totally classy! It looks like they returned that! And now that you mastered the first meeting part.. sounds like it is just a matter of time till you move to the next step... perhaps with this couple.. perhaps others! First time jitters are in the rearview mirror... now on to second time not-so-jitters! lol! Keep us posted!

[Daddy'sGirl 15]

Sounds like you had a really good experience.I have been following your thread and I am so happy for You.

[Plumeria 15]

Thanks everyone!

[dooobey 15]

Hi Plumeria,

 

I noticed your name in the singles area and just had to comment. Last year I bought a plumeria plant(or frangipani, or temple flower) on ebay from Hawaii and now have 40 of them on my deck! A true nutcase since I have to bring them inside for the winter in NC.

 

Good luck with your newly chosen lifestyle.