Have fallen in love with a swing partner

[Guest SoftScorpio]

What do you do when you've had a MFM with a good friend and you're falling head over heels in love with him, and he is in love with you too? My husband knows about it and has said that if i need to leave, I need to leave...(he is pretty passive aggressive, and doesn't have very good self-esteem) but neither of us wants that parting to happen because we still love each other, and have a child together. I could see myself having a very satisfying life with this other man, but I don't want to have the stigma of divorce sitting over my head....besides, like I said before, I love my husband still.

 

Anyone have any ideas? I just feel so confused, and my emotions are playing tricks with me. One minute, I'm satisfied having a "just friends" relationship with this other guy, leaving all that "could have been" in the dust. Other times, I am so enveloped by thoughts of him, how he touched me, how he treats me (like an angel), I can't even think straight. I've thought of counseling because I have thought of leaving my husband...but i think it would be hard to find someone who was familiar with this kind of situation. Thanks for any advice given. I feel really guilty.

[Vespertine 31]

Regardless if the counselor is familiar or excepting of a swinging relationship.... You & hubby NEED to go to one.

 

You need to end any, and all, contact with this other male. You can't even continue a friendship or internet/phone contact with him. You need to make a clean break if you're serious about saving your marriage. Any contact will cloud your judgement and make reconnecting with your husband even more difficult.

 

NO MORE SWINGING!!!!! Cement your marriage first.

 

If you have a good marriage and strong relationship with your husband, you wouldn't be falling in love. Perhaps you could fall in lust, but not love. Something's lacking in your primary relationship with your husband if you're looking to another man to satisfy emotional needs. You both need to find out what it is and work hard to repair it. You need to be brutally honest with eachother. You say you still love him. You need to fall in love with him again. With work, those feelings will come back.

 

Good luck, let us know how things work out.

[BiDrywallChick 18]

NO MORE SWINGING!!!!! Cement your marriage first.

 

If you have a good marriage and strong relationship with your husband, you wouldn't be falling in love. Perhaps you could fall in lust, but not love.

 

I totally agree with Ves on this one. Let me add a few of my thoughts, in general.

 

It is also probable that you have your rose colored glass on when you are looking at the other man. You see your husband when no one else can. You are the one who gets the raw man. You get him when he is mad and happy.. when is he being an absolute ass and when he is the best thing since sliced bread. You have to deal with his sparkling personality and he has to deal with yours. All of that is real life marriages. On the other side, you have your friend. He is showing you his best. He is talking to you about all the things he does, his wants.. his desires.. but you dont see him behind closed doors.. You dont see him picking his belly button lint or drinking soda right out of the bottle and putting it back in the fridge. Too often in a marriage, we forget all the things that we came to love about our spouse and focus on the negatives that get on our last nerves. We see someone who throws their underwear in the general area of the laundry basket instead of seeing someone who is just so tired that they want to lay down and sleep for days. They saying goes something like " the grass is always greener on the other side of the fence." You jump over and find out that there are just as many weeds on this side as the one you were on before.

 

Here is the bluntness that tends not to make me any more friends.. You need to get your priorities in order. If you truely love your husband, you need to stop seeing the other man and get into counseling. There are plenty of marriage counselors that can help with an unbiased nonjudgemental opinion. There is more going on here than you are letting on. Secondly, you said that your husband said that if you need to leave, then leave and that he is passive aggressive.. Perhaps that is his way of dealing with what he may feel is the end of his relationship with the woman he loves. Sounds like he is throwing in the towel so to speak to try and make it easier for you to make up your mind. You didnt fall in "love" with the other man overnight. So, your husband saw you changing, withdrawing from him emotionally and didnt stop you from turning you back on your relationship with him. Men tend to try to be strong and not let on when something hurts like this. Place yourself in his shoes.. what would you do? Like I said.. just my blunt take on things.

 

If you truely love your husband, leave you lust for the other man at the door and start working on what is left of your relationship. There is no such thing as being too late to find your mate again. Think back to what has been going on in your relationship before you began seeing the other man. What was stressing both you and your husband? What was the main arguments? The relationship with the other man was not the begining of when things were changing in your relationship. It was just the catalyst... the stepping stone.. better yet.. the excuse for what has happened. Again.. just my horridly blunt opinion based on what i drew from your post.

[twoplayful2 16]

My husband knows about it and has said that if i need to leave, I need to leave...(he is pretty passive agressive, and doesn't have very good self-esteem) but neither of us wants that parting to happen because we still love eachother, and have a child together. I could see myself having a very satisfying life with this other man, but I don't want to have the stigma of divorce sitting over my head....besides, like I said before, I love my husband still.

Don't want the stigma of divorce over your head? That's a weird way to put it, I'd think the "stigma" would be pretty far down the list of concerns. And that he seems so care-free considering that you're talking about potential divorce leads me to believe that you need some mariage counseling (wow, 2nd time I've suggested this today!). Forget the lifestyle and totally stay away from the other guy and work on your marriage. If you can't stay away from that guy then you're not being fair to your husband, marriage or your child because you're not giving things a fair chance. You shouldn't split up because you have strong feelings for someone else, you should split up because you don't have strong feelings for your husband. Right now it looks like you and your husband have some issues that are leading to some confusion so before immediately reacting to that you should give it some time, figure things out (with counseling) and go from there.

[LikeMinds321 1,527]

 

What do you do when you've had a MFM with a good friend and you're falling head over heels in love with him, and he is in love with you too?

 

Anyone have any ideas? I just feel so confused, and my emotions are playing tricks with me. One minute, I'm satisfied having a "just friends" relationship with this other guy, leaving all that "could have been" in the dust. Other times, I am so enveloped by thoughts of him, how he touched me, how he treats me (like an angel), I can't even think straight.

I think that you're more infatuated than in love.

 

You've shared sex, passion and lust with each other. You're on one big high right now. Enjoy it as that, don't make the mistake of thinking you would leave your husband--who you say you still love--for another man who treats you "like an angel;" I'd bet at one time you used to say that about your husband. Time to slap yourself in the face, clear out the cobwebs, and start having some long talks with your husband about this sticky situation you're in.

 

Months from now you'll look back and realize this ordeal taught you so much about yourself, and brought you and your husband closer together.

 

Good luck.

 

LM

[imsnowman 34]

Good answers but also, you both might want to look into polyamory. A Google search will turn up many links

[meandher2go 17]

LM321 said it best

[intravox 15]

I other hand... what if he is your partner for life?

 

I met my wife in a similar situation, she was married, I loved her and she had a good (quotes) relationship with her husband (ex husband) and they had a baby girl.

 

Well, I found that I wouldn't find another woman like her in a million years, we decided to take the step forward (it wasn't easy) and now we have a wonderful life, and our girl is adorable!

 

This is my PERSONAL situation, this is not a recomendation, it is just to throw some light into this issue and show that we all have different experiences.

 

Good luck with your decision SoftScorpio

[two4youinswva 3,068]

I met my wife in a similar situation, she was married, I loved her and she had a good (quotes) relationship with her husband (ex husband) and they had a baby girl.

 

Did you meet her in a swinging situation?

[RNDNV 16]

You need to end any, and all, contact with this other male. You can't even continue a friendship or internet/phone contact with him. You need to make a clean break if you're serious about saving your marriage... NO MORE SWINGING!!!!! Cement your marriage first.

 

Well Vespy sweetheart, we agree most of the time, but on this one I am going to take a different tack. I still love you though.

 

Hey SoftScoprio, don't beat yourself up on this one too much, and understand that while most of the advise given is well meaning to help you save your marriage, and that is good thing, you might still want to honor your VERY LEGITIMATE feelings. Let's just acknowledge that you are currently in love with two men, your hubby and your lover. Actually, that is quite natural or should I say not totally unnatural. You might be on the cusp of establishing a polyamorous relationship (often called a "angle" where you are the vertex of the extended relationship).

 

Here is what I am putting out to you to contemplate... WHAT IF YOU COULD HAVE YOUR CAKE AND EAT IT TOO!

 

Holy shit, isn't that the premise of what swinging is all about? What a friggin novel idea! (Okay, so maybe I need to back off on the sarcasm).

 

"Traditional" swingers subscribe to a subset of rules that put the primary pair bond relationship (and often formalized and legally recognized ancient institution we call "marriage") first and foremost above all others. While that works for some people, that does not mean it works for all or everyone.

 

Listen, if we let traditional societal strictures tell us the way things should be, swinging would be illegal and punishable by jail time, and gay people can forget about ever having a chance at getting gay marriage recognized.

 

So how about you think "outside of the box" (just like all us swingers like to profess we do so as to think we got something a step ahead of all our up-tight vertical friends) and contemplate the possiblity that you can keep your husband, still throughly enjoy and be in relationship with your lover, and continue to raise your child in a stable home? Let me put it another way, who said there had to be a damned rule that says you must dump hubby in order to be in relationship with the new lover?

 

Last point, if you go to marriage counseling or see a therapist (which I would suggest is something you totally do NOT need), be advised that by my estimates some 95+% of them have no idea how to handle non-traditional relationship issues and would probably come from a place of judgment far more screwed up than where you presently stand.

 

You have all our love and support SoftScorpio,

RND

[Dynamar 246]

Here is what I am putting out to you to contemplate... WHAT IF YOU COULD HAVE YOUR CAKE AND EAT IT TOO!

 

Holy shit, isn't that the premise of what swinging is all about? What a friggin novel idea! (Okay, so maybe I need to back off on the sarcasm).

 

"Traditional" swingers subscribe to a subset of rules that put the primary pair bond relationship (and often formalized and legally recognized ancient institution we call "marriage") first and foremost above all others. While that works for some people, that does not mean it works for all or everyone.

 

Listen, if we let traditional societal strictures tell us the way things should be, swinging would be illegal and punishable by jail time, and gay people can forget about ever having a chance at getting gay marriage recognized.

 

So how about you think "outside of the box" (just like all us swingers like to profess we do so as to think we got something a step ahead of all our up-tight vertical friends) and contemplate the possiblity that you can keep your husband, still throughly enjoy and be in relationship with your lover, and continue to raise your child in a stable home?

 

Last point, if you go to marriage counseling or see a therapist (which I would suggest is something you totally do NOT need), be advised that by my estimates some 95+% of them have no idea how to handle non-traditional relationship issues and would probably come from a place of judgment far more screwed up than where you presently stand.

Very well put, RNDNV!

You have all our love and support SoftScorpio,

What a wonderful world, not to mention board, this would be if the above were truly the case. One can always hope...

[dingdong69 15]

I think couples in general shoudn't engage in swinging if they do not have strong relationship with each othe in the first place

[twoplayful2 16]

I think saying she's on the cusp of a polyamorous relationship is jumping the gun a bit. I believe most people aren't interested in being in such a relationship so I'd assume that neither guy is interested before I'd assume that they are, and I haven't read anything about them in her brief post to believe otherwise. I also find it amusing that the typical swinger who thinks they're a step above the rest of the population is still, I guess, a step below those who actually can think outside of the box, like I presume you can. I think that it's just possible that someone can be a free and open-minded thinker and still come to a more traditional conclusion. In this case I think it's perfectly reasonable to suggest that her feelings for the new guy might be heavily influenced by a relationship that has maybe grown a bit stale and isn't on solid ground. I think it's then also quite reasonable to suggest that she work on the marriage first and sort out her feelings there so she can make a level-headed decision about the other guy (and her marriage at the same time). I think even those already in polyamorous relationships would probably recommend to a married couple that they be on solid ground first before expanding their relationship to something like that.

[SluttyWife 17]

K! I've been there! Read my sad, SAD, story in the Interviews section. #3 or #4 I think.

 

PLEASE DON'T GO THERE! I promise you this..and that is that you most probably will regret it. Going on 5 years now and I'm STILL not over it. Put your new boyf in the background and get hubby back in the foreground pronto.

 

Slutty Wife ;-*

[RNDNV 16]

I think saying she's on the cusp of a polyamorous relationship is jumping the gun a bit.

 

Absolutely, maybe and maybe not. The bulk of the earlier posts seem to be saying, "hey, you are screwed up in your thinking and you must dump (or put on the back burner, whatever that means) the boyfriend and concentrate on the husband. Well, I think that discounts her feelings toward the new man in her life. Temporal duration does not mean hubby has earned the right to be first in line for exclusive relationship consideration (if you even buy into this paradigm, which I obviously don't). Let me put it another way, I knew within one month that my wife was the gal for me for the rest of my life. I didn't need to overthink the situation, cohabitate with her for years, or even have sex with her to know that. Was I right, well I guess only time will tell, but so far its looking like a pretty damned good decision to me.

 

Now as far as them having a kid together, well now that is a different subject. Just by the nature of that choice, they have made a decision to share their lives for many years going forward, EVEN IF THEY DIVORCE, THEY WOULD HAVE TO SHARE THEIR LIVES FOR THE BENEFIT OF THE CHILD. So in that regard, I do have different feelings, and they should do whatever it takes to preserve the primary bond relationship they have. Hubby and wife have chose to enter into this life, and now wife is in love with another man. My only suggestion is that hubby now gets to experience the possiblilty of sharing his wife in a greater capacity than initially contemplated, perhaps by either of them, if for anything to preserve his relationship and family. In otherwords, if husband says it has to be him or me, she just may choose him, when in reality what she really wants is both.

 

To a certain extent, I know what I propose is really out there, but take this into consideration: Husband can never give to wife what boyfriend can give to her because husband is NOT boyfriend. Just the same, boyfriend can NEVER give to wife what the husband can give her, because boyfriend is NOT the husband. I am not talking about their respective roles or sexual abilities, I am talking about them each being unique and special individuals with their own gifts, talents and emotions, and clearly, wife loves them both for who they are. They are NOT fungible and neither should be easily discarded in preference for the other. IMHO, SoftScorpio is simply capable of great love and loving more than one man at a time.

 

There is nothing wrong about that.

[ohmmmm 15]

I think other guys and gals can be great in bed and during short to moderate encounters. It's like being on vacation...feeling good and want to make each moment count. The problem is that this is not the reality that we live under day in an day out. In real life most people are moody, stressed out, slobs, or have other personality quirks that they don't advertise. You don't really know a person until you live with them. My advice is to wake up and smell the coffee....otherwise you can lose everything.....imho...

 

Best wishes...

[txduo2000 18]

I think other guys and gals can be great in bed and during short to moderate encounters. It's like being on vacation...feeling good and want to make each moment count. The problem is that this is not the reality that we live under day in an day out. In real life most people are moody, stressed out, slobs, or have other personality quirks that they don't advertise. You don't really know a person until you live with them. My advice is to wake up and smell the coffee....otherwise you can lose everything.....imho...

 

Best wishes...

 

 

OMG ... you hit it right on the head here .... I so very much agree!

[WesternSwing 504]

SoftScorpio, I don't know all the factors in your relationship with your husband that has caused the door to be open to falling in love with someone else, but it's usually because emotional needs are not being met within your marriage and has very little to do with sex. But you may already see that since your comment about how he treats you so well. You like that, and you don't see your husband doing it. You are twitterpated with him right now.

 

But, and this is the big but, he is on his best behavior at this point in time. Stuff like that can change once you live together on a daily basis and real life sets in - just like it has with your husband. The grass only looks greener on the other side of the fence because the sun is in your eyes right now.

 

You and your husband need to step away from the swinging, get this guy completely out of both of your lives and start working on your marriage. Find out why the door to your heart is open for this other guy to walk through. Then, and only then, will you be able to clearly look at the situation and decide if this is something that can be saved or needs to be scuttled. Right now you're way too enchanted with this other guy to make a well thought-out decision about leaving your marriage.

 

Mr. WS

[twoplayful2 16]

Well, I think that discounts her feelings toward the new man in her life. Temporal duration does not mean hubby has earned the right to be first in line for exclusive relationship consideration (if you even buy into this paradigm, which I obviously don't).

Marriage, IMHO, means you've made a commitment to work through tougher times rather than jump to the first sign of greener grass. I agree with what the recent posts have said, you don't know the true person that soon, you're only getting someone on their best behaviour, and you certainly don't throw your marriage commitment out the window that easily for a person like that.

 

 

and clearly, wife loves them both for who they are.

And again, you're assuming the feeling of "love" is legitimate and not misguided, clouded by feelings from a marriage that may just need a kick in the pants. I suggest that the commitment of marriage is important enough that she's clear on that before moving on.

[chastityrings 15]

I'm no expert by any stretch but...you said a mouthfull when you said you LOVE your husband, and you have a CHILD. When a couple makes the decision to have a child, they need to remember that that child deserves to have BOTH parents in their houshold, I don't care if divorce is common ground in the world, we are supposed to be adults, and throwing away a marriage and family for a lover who treats you like an "angel"sounds pretty selfish to me, This isn't going to win me any popularity contests... but GET OVER YOURSELF, take it at face value, your hubby has given you the "if you love something let it go if its yours it will come back if doesn't it never was" out, if you want it, which says he truly loves you. Don't play the fool, angels are only in heaven. Good sex is just what it is... good sex, a good relationship and a family are to be cherished. Best of luck on whatever you do, my heart goes out to you and your family.

[RNDNV 16]

And again, you're assuming the feeling of "love" is legitimate and not misguided, clouded by feelings from a marriage that may just need a kick in the pants. I suggest that the commitment of marriage is important enough that she's clear on that before moving on.

 

Again, another example of advice being given from the "stuck paradigm" position. I am not advocating that she dump her hubby and move on to "greener pastures," just the opposite. I think her commitment to both her husband and child needs to be senior, but everyone is operating from the paradigm that SHE MUST DISCARD ONE, BECAUSE SHE CAN ONLY HAVE ONE!

 

This paradigm is just a simple extension of the one all our vanilla friends live by wherein "one must only have sex with one's own spouse." We, as swingers, have discarded this rule as antiquated, non-functional, overly-restrictive, hypocritical, unnatural, or all or some of the above. We all have our reasons for sexual non-monagamy, but for some reason many on this board are "STUCK" on the viewpoint that one cannot love more than one person (at least at one time), and this is just wrong.

 

IMHO, the FEAR associated with advice that SoftScorpio should "discard" her lover and concentrate on her "marriage" assumes that the very powers that would drive our vanilla friends to divorce court over sexual non-monagamy would drive this swinging couple to divorce court over emotional non-monagamy. One is simply an extension of the other, and if we were all sufficiently "emotionally hooked-up," we could all love each other with the same passion and excitement that we have in pursuing our more carnal physical pursuits, and the world would be a much better place for that.

 

Love ya all,

RND

[RndyCpl 15]

This hits so close to home I'm sadened to hear others maybe going through the same madening experience. I met the woman in my dreams. We had a fantastic love affair going, Then we were married. There were a few ups and downs but everything blended quite smoothly. She was younger and a freespirit, spontanious, on the go, ten projects at once kind of gal. Our sex life was unbelieveable. We were growing in our sexuality and exploring swinging. We were happily in love. We came from two separate backgrounds mine with many rules and hers, well with her personality she had rules butt, (she interpreted) to be streatched a little. Me a bit more aynalitical and serious and she was more like "just get it done". I needed to be sped up which she did nicely. She needed some stability and calm in her life. I was in a totally different kind of relationship until I met her. She was accomodating and patient to see me grow into the man I could be. She also learned some lifes lessons from me. We had it all. Great incomes, two homes, all the toys, and a stepson who was a difficult nut to crack butt, Once we became friends and shared mutual respect, he called me dad. I love this woman and my stepson more than anything in the world. I'm the giving kind and would easily choose to give her up to another if I knew that is what she really wanted. She never could open up and tell me "why" she needed this other guy. Ofcourse by giving her up to another, I'd be brokenhearted but would pleasure in the memories we shared and the fact she would be happy. With only the sneeking behind the back approach to her relationship with this "other" I became hurt and felt I couldn't go on like this. There was a point when the feelings become so confused and overwhelming that giving up on the relationship seemed the right thing to do. We never got the chance to talk about it much. I didn't have time to accept it or understand it. So, I was never in the emotional position to just let her go, for them to be happy. The giving up part is when the bitterness set in. Her choices and the emotions they brought out of me were ones I had never experienced. I couldn't believe she didn't know where her choices were heading. To break up a perfectly good marriage for men she discribed as less than me and "only" friends. It was never above board and always behind my back. She had met The Other Men" during a brief time when we had separated. She remained in contact with them butt, behind my back. I confronted both men via mail to tell them "she was mine". Oh, she did like it butt it was the way I had to have it. As I found out much later she was still calling them. We discussed how it was hurting me. I had never felt jeolousy before and it was comming on strong. It seemed like she didn't care if she was hurting me or not because she had continued talking to them after we had spoken. This led to trust issues in the relationship which led to a disasterous path neither of us could get off. She had thought I was messing around...... and off we went on a ride leading to divorce. For mmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee and her. I love her still, but am deeply broken hearted. With counceling all this could have been avoided. I had offered right up to the moment of walking into the lawyers office. She didn't have time to discuss it. She only said "do what you have to do". I had to protect my heart and emotions from the rollercoaster ride they were on and I had to do something to help my stepson get away from our fighting. I HAD to get out. Families broken and affected; her's and mine. A stepson lost stability and a good friend/Dad figure in his life. And you, SoftScorpio what are you going to loose? Are you ever going to get it back? Are you ever going to recover from the loss you take? How many more couples are going to look outside the marriage for the solutions to their marrital problems? Stay put SoftScorpio the husband loves you more than you know. I would take my wife back and let counselling have a try, even though we're in the middle of divorce, because it's the right thing to do. Surrender

[Here2lickPussy 15]

I'm not so sure why your loving husband didn't kick you to the curb before it got this far. Sounds to me like you made choices and had been getting some behind his back. flamethrow

[chastityrings 15]

Hi again I dont know how to use the qoute thing so I've gotta wing it ...

RNDNV, you have a lovely outlook on this whole issue, unfortunatly the world doesn't work that way. The whole world is never going to be emotionally connected..Thats a pipedream, however happy and wonderful it sounds.

Speaking for myself as one of this board who supports the institution of marriage, If two people make the "comittment"(comittment being the key word here) to be married then they should TRY to honor that commitment, not throw in the towel and say, Oh gosh I've changed my mind, I think I love someone else, or Oh gee I can't make up my mind so I'm gonna keep you both." Vanilla" sounding or not, the bottom line is there is a CHILD involved here, and just what do you tell that child?" I'm sorry honey, Mommie has decided that she wants you to have 2 Daddies, live with it. Then that child has to deal with being "different " from all of their peers, not right, not fair, and avoidable. If her husband was abusing her, yes, leave. But putting yourself before your children ? Sorry I don't agree, they have only the choices YOU make, and they are a "comittment" you can't change.

If you want to love a more than one person, fine...but do it before you decide to tear up some kids world.

Have a lovely day all:)

[RNDNV 16]

...unfortunatly the world doesn't work that way. The whole world is never going to be emotionally connected..Thats a pipedream, however happy and wonderful it sounds...

 

Its a pipe dream only because people are so entrenched in their thinking that "this is the way the world works, so change is not possible." I will admit that the world doesn't work this way, but change will never happen if people just sit on their hands and say "well that's the way it is, let's be real and accept it, we wouldn't want to paddle up stream now."

 

Who says the child would be damaged if the mother was open with her polyamourous relationships. Geez, this child might experience something from her parents that most other children don't, and that is actually witnessing their parent practice such traits such as honesty, openness, sharing, and integrity. So your suggestion chastity is to "protect" the child because he may be bellittled or made fun of by small thinking people operating out of their own very limited boxes?

 

Its not just about the wife here, there is a husband that would need to grow into this new paradigm. I am not saying the prospect of a polyamorous relationship is THE ANSWER for them, it was just a suggestion for them to explore. It just seems like an appropriate suggestion to someone who truly feels she is in love with two men, and is also stuck in a paradigm that such relationships must be mutually exclusive.

 

It is my contention that humans are not built that way. Love is not a mutually exclusive proposition, love is not a scarce resource, nor is love anything that should be associated with a right or something that justifies someone having any sort of possession over another person.

[EvilMJ 65]

I think that you need to really sit down and think about what it is you want. Then sit down and think about what is best for you child, after all they come first. If you were to tell me you were unhappy with your husband then I would say it was best to all that were concerned that you leave him, but you say you love him.

 

RNDNV raises an alternative suggestion of having a relationship with both of these men, perhaps this is possible. My only caution is that make sure that your child's welfare always comes into play. Unfortuantly I have watched a polyamourous relationship go wrong, with a child caught in the middle and in my opinon the people were too caught up in their own desires and needs that they never once thought of her. Now, don't get me wrong, I am not saying all POly relationships are bad, I am just saying that please put a lot of thought into it first, taking all outcomes into consideration.

 

To me swinging is about fun, some thing I share with my husband, and not about emotional committment, if ever i was in a situation where things were going past that fun mark then I would call it off in a second.

[chastityrings 15]

YES, that is EXACTLY what I am suggesting, "protecting the child because he may be belittled or made fun off by small minded people operating out of their own limited little boxes." The world is FULL of them. Children can be terribly cruel to each other,Adults can also judge them (teachers ect) and if a parent can avoid causing pain and emotional trauma to their child, there is no place for their own selfishness. I see kids from screwed up homes all the time, and what their parents do HAS a direct effect on their lives, and I've heard one too many times "oh they'll adjust" and they do, but they always hope that things will go back to "normal", and being jealous of their freinds who come from "normal" homes. Broken homes and families SUCK!! I wish our society was ready for polyamourus relationships, I personally have no problems with them, but a child shouldn't have to have their world turned upside down because one of their parents THINKS they MIGHT be falling in love with a swing partner but still loves thier spouse.

Peace my friends

[ALilOEverything 901]

I don't know what is right or wrong for the OP's situation, I don't feel like I have enough information of the big picture to know what would be right or could become a disaster. I'm not against poly relationships, I think they have their place for the right people, just like with swinging. But I want to know how the husband would feel about that, sharing his wife... not just physically but emotionally as well.

 

I had a best friend when I was growing up who's mother had a husand and a boyfriend, it wasn't any secret. I would spend the night at their house with her parents sleeping together in the main bedroom and her boyfriend upstairs in his own. I know my friend's little brother's father was the boyfriend's child. This situation went on for years. My friend is 30 and lives a good life, as does her 27 year old sister... and that little boy is 20 now and in college. The relationship still continues, everyone appears happy, the kids grew up to be well adjusted.

 

Swinging isn't for everyone as poly relationships aren't for everyone either. Sometimes they work out, sometimes they don't. My biggest apprehension is where children are involved, even though I saw a good outcome with my friend.

[RNDNV 16]

YES, that is EXACTLY what I am suggesting, "protecting the child because he may be belittled or made fun off by small minded people operating out of their own limited little boxes." The world is FULL of them... but they always hope that things will go back to "normal", and being jealous of their freinds who come from "normal" homes.... I wish our society was ready for polyamourus relationships, I personally have no problems with them...

 

Well chastity, this is exactly the kind of thinking I was talking about. You, by choice, lead your life on the gravitational pull of what is "normal," yet you talk a game that you wish poly relationships were accepted, but you obviously aren't the kind of person who would be willing to pay the price to effectuate the postitive change in the world you profess you would like to see. You are obviously willing to sit back and wait for the world to change, and then, when it has sufficiently changed (because some people were willing to take risks to make that change happen, risks are so obviously not willing to make yourself) such that things such as polyamorous relationships are accepted, then you might be willing to crawl out of the closet and jump on the of saying, "hey, I am for that."

 

There are a lot of things about our modern society that are "normal" occurrances, such as: organized crime, murder, domestic violence, corporate theft, toxic environmental waste, securities fraud, child molestation, etc., and I bet you would say, "hey, I am not for that occurring." But I have a question for you, WHAT ARE YOU DOING ABOUT IT?

 

At the end of the day, I hotly dispute any position you might wish to take that has the effect of keeping a crab in the crab pot.

[DBL D 120]

I wanted to post a story that happened to us a few years ago...pre-swinging.

However I'm disappointed that softscorpio hasn't bothered to respond so I'll save it for someone some other time.

 

Male D

[dingdong69 15]

please, doble d share it with us we are listening.....

[chastityrings 15]

RNDV, Im sorry you feel that I am attacking a lifestyle that you hold so dearly to your heart, It's not that lifestyle that I have a problem with but the effect on a child, and yes, their are many things that I cannot change, I have however, tried..I ran for public office because I felt things needed changing, but I am way too liberal, and god knows we can't live and let live. I have also volenteered (that is spelled wrong but it's early)with several groups to help children and abused animals, so no I don't sit back and "let it happen" I guess my problem is that I put myself in the kids position, and I don't think the child would be happy with that kind of change, who knows maybe they would love it, but it would take time, and I would never put my child through anything like that on the off chance it would work, so yes, when it comes to my child,and matters of the heart, I am a coward, I love her more than life itself and would, as non violent as I am, kill for her, and will always try to protect her as long as I can. I can't imagine putting myself ahead of her. So I guess i'ts a stalemate cause nothing is going to change my mind either. I am not an extreamist and will not try to force my views on anyone else , they are only my opinions and suggestions, and that and a quarter will get me a phone call. Again I apoligize if I pissed you off.

And softscorpio if you are around..best of luck in whatever you do.

[RNDNV 16]

Not pissed off here at all chastity, nor do I hold poly relations near and dear. I just am a big fan of open mindedness, and freedom from negative societal judgments and pressures. You need not have gotten defensive, I just chose to use your statements as evidence of how even us swinger types (which I am assuming you are one) so easily succumb to societal mores and allow the same to dictate our behaviors.

 

We as swingers, albeit mostly in the closet, choose to "swim upstream" because we have (hopefully) come to realize that "traditional societal rules" are often BULLSHIT, and in place simply due to adherence to long standing traditions that don't work or serve us as humans. We as humans MUST evolve. If 9/11 proved anything, it proved that when it comes to human relations we haven't kept pace with technology, and while everyone can understand you wouldn't want to give a caveman the button to a nuclear device, the reality is we really aren't that far away from that scenerio anyway.

 

I am a big believer in the power of the acceptance of sexual non-monogamy to be a positive step in the progress of human development, and ultimately a path to world peace. Yeah, I know this sounds grandiose, but I leave with all of you reviewing this thread and my posting specifically to contemplate this theory of mine, and that is:

 

For the world to truly find peace, it must collectively recognize and honor the "equal differences" and powers of the genders, and no where else in the world does there exist a more perfect microcosm of a peaceful, gender balanced world than a swing environment.

 

Let me give you another example, there is no where in the world presently with as much societal unrest as the middle east, and no where else in the world where the human and natural rights of women are trampled on more than, yes, you guessed it, the middle east.

 

I would contend that this is NOT an accident. The systematic disempowerment and disenfranchisement of women leads to societal chaos.

 

So for the world to become a better place, we must all swing and swing with passion! And I believe it is our obligation to mankind to welcome with open arms and educate those who are on the outside, looking in, wishing to join, so if my passion got the better of me, chastity, please accept my apology with a warm hug and kiss.

 

Love ya,

RND

[chastityrings 15]

and {{hugs}} back atcha!! apology accepted, we have much in common, just different ways of coming accross.

Good night!!