My Libido disappeared, what now?

[KittKatt 16]

This is the Mrs.

I recently had an extreme boost in my libido which since led us to swinging and wonderful times!

 

PROBLEM.....it's gone!!!! I really can't explain it nor do I understand it myself, other than house wife syndrome LOL

 

Hubby is furious with me, he says he can live without the swinging, but wants his wife...ok I understand that, but I am just not in the mood for sex at all right now!!! and haven't been for many weeks

 

So he writes me a letter this morning, ending it with "the balls in your court for our relationship"....Great..is this going to end up as divorce number 3?

God I pray not!!!! I love him truly, but have issues I guess, you can read about a few in my previous posts

 

Now I don't know what to do, give in...pretend to feel attractive and horny, or just keep trying to explain myself, as I have done many times.

He just don't understand and really I'm not sure I do either

 

I become very resentful about this topic when I feel pressured, and hope he can be more understanding and patient with me.

 

SOOOOOOOO CONFUSED!!

 

ANY ADVICE PLEASE?

 

xoxoxoxo C

[Vespertine 31]

I've been through this before and it's not fun. Housewife syndrome, stress or hormones gone AWOL usually do it for me.

 

To be pressured or feel guilty for not wanting to have sex during these moments makes things worse, for me anyway. It's unfair of your husband to judge your relationship on physical intimacy alone. However, I think it's a natural reaction for a man when he doesn't understand what you're going through. I know the first time this happened to me, my husband couldn't understand and emotionally started to detatch himself because he thought I wasn't attracted to him anymore.

 

Like everything in a relationship, it all boils down to communication. Talk with your husband. Assure him it's a problem with you, not him. Perhaps make an appointment with your GYN to see what's going on (I didn't read your prior posts, so idk what your current situation is).

 

If your husband is still at odds with the lack of physical activity, seeing a marital counselor would be a good idea.

[jennandjamesinm 87]

It is so hard when you libido leaves you and you are left wondering why....Have you started any new medications? Do you take anti-depressants? Have you had new stressors in your life? Is there something that you feel resentful about towards your husband and haven't been able to communicate to him? Could you be pre-menopausal? The cause of your diminished libido could be physical or emotional - there are so many variables here.

 

I would cease any swinging until you get this resolved. Get you relationship with hubby on track. Any swinging might just make this worse. And communicate with him - even if you are feeling defensive or resentful. To stop communicating with him all together is just going to add fuel to the fire.

 

I would start with your Primary Care Physician - get a full physical and share your concerns with him or her. Make sure it is nothing physical. If it is - then get it fixed If its not - then look at the emotional. Housewife Syndrome is a bitch!! You have kids hanging on you all day and you get all "touched out." by the end of the day. Then hubby comes home and wants to make love, and you're like gosh, can't I have my body to myself???? I have been there so my sympathies are with you. Being the housewife with no where to go can get old quick and it seems like there is always something that needs to be done. It is hard work being a housewife!!!

 

A therapist for just you might be a good idea. Someone who is non-judgemental, an impartial 3rd party. You should be able to tall a good therapist about being involved in the lifestyle, they aren't going to judge you. And if they do, find another one. You don't have to worry about outting yourself either - a therapist is bound by Doctor - Patient confidentaility and can not discuss your case with anyone. Possibly marriage counseling for both of you to determine why you feel this way and why he feels like "the ball is in your court." Its not fair to issue ultimatums like that. I mean did he marry you just for sex? I don't think so. You swing and that has taken that component out of the marriage - ya'll are married and love each other for other reasons than sex or at least I hope so.

 

I hear in your post how much you love your husband, and you are going through a hard time. Maybe have him check out this thread. You seemed to be able to explain it to us, maybe it will help you talk to him. When you don't know why something is happening to you (in your case, your missing libido) its very easy to get defensive and resentful becasue you DON'T know why this is happening to you. So my advice is simply this - find out why. And keep talking to hubby - remember he doesn't understand why either. I hope this helps you some. Good Luck and please keep us updated.

 

Jenn

[KittKatt 16]

Thanks Vespertine,

I have to ask, did your labido come back? I'm glad to hear it's not just me, I thought I was a freak or something, not having any women to talk to I don't know if others go through these things or not.

 

Over the years it seems I go through spurts of sexual energy....still don't know why this is.

And yeah my hubby mentioned me not wanting him anymore as well, even said in his letter, " You have a list of people".....meaning to take care of my needs and said if he can't make me happy then he needs a woman he can....GRRRRRRR

 

see what I mean?????? damnit!!!!

 

but I will keep talking to him and try my hardest to salvage our marriage, even though I would be perfectly happy just being mom and wife for now, just not wanting sex...it's not as big of deal to me, sure i do get a bit horny from time to time, but all the nasty remarks about it all......WHO NEEDS IT?

 

MEN!!!!!!!!!

 

LOL...thanks lady, xoxoxo c

[KittKatt 16]

Thanks Jenn,

good points you have here..

 

I think alot of my personal problem is pre-menopausal, my body is going through tremendous changes, periods changing, bowels, pains that wasn't there before, sore breasts, and weight I can't seem to lose from my last child 4 yrs ago and that doc's can't explain thus far....

All leaving me feel so DESIRABLE

 

No problem with ceasing swinging.......done deal!! I don't want anyone touching me right now, much less someone who could care less about me personally, and just wants sex...grrrrrr leave me alone LOL

 

I know not all swingers or people are that way about it, but most we met just want f*ck buddies.....and I'm just not that horny anyways heehehee

 

My defensiveness is coming from his crappy remarks that he's made all the way through our adventures in this lifestyle, so it stands to reason to me to just leave it all in the dust and focus on our marriage. However I don't want to talk about sex all the time, I will talk with him again and again if he needs to, but it's upsetting to me to have to, why can't he just understand and love me unconditionally? is how I feel

 

Recently seen a few doc's, however none that were gyn....I need to do this I know, but what if there isn't a "fix", I don't like taking meds at all, all have terrible side effects for me.

 

And if there's not a fix I can handle, so to speak...then we just ride my emotional roller coaster? I know it's so unfair to hubby to live this way, only get sex when I want it....and that's what he feels like is going on, I just wish I could figure out what to do or say to make this better.

Being the stay at home mom off and on over the last 20 yrs has taken a huge toll on me, we just got the last child started in Pre-K and full time at that, so I am very lucky in that sense...but still just sit at home all day like cobwebs on the wall

 

can't really afford to go to work, for the child care expenses and I don't play well with others....heehehee (druggies, liars, thieves) which is all over the work force these days.

 

As far as being married for more than sex goes,........

I thought so too, but with all men I've ever known , it always seem to boil down to the same thing...SEX

I know at least for me , I love him with or without the sex, and I'm sure he would say the same....it's his actions that are screwing with my head and heart!!!

 

Communication:

Definitely will try to do, and thank you for your advice, I will have him read this when he gets home today, I sure hope it helps him understand.

 

xoxoxo C

[Vespertine 31]

Thanks Vespertine,

I have to ask, did your labido come back? I'm glad to hear it's not just me, I thought I was a freak or something, not having any women to talk to I don't know if others go through these things or not.

My labido changes frequently.

 

Some months, all I want to do is fuck, fuck, fuck...

I'll have an incredibly high sex drive and have sex on the brain 24/7. I'll wear my husband and Hitatchi Magic Wand out.

 

Then............fizzzzzzle...............

 

I'm indifferent to sex. I can take it or leave it.

 

Like I mentioned before, I think it's a hormonal thing. I also notice that kids, stress and self-esteem have a lot to do with it. Monotonous sex is a trigger for me too. I need to keep things interesting and like an element of sexual surprise.

 

My husband's good at getting me out of a sexual funk now. He'll shower me with a lot of non-sexual physical attention and stop initiating any sexual activity. He'll rub my back, give me lots of hugs and hold my hand as much as he can. He'll also try to find out what's going on in my life and see if he can help me out with any stressors: kids, house, etc...

 

It sounds to me like you have some pent up anger towards your husband. I hope you'll be able to work things out.

[KittKatt 16]

Vespertine, could your husband talk to mine?......

Sounds like yall have a perfect understanding of each other, and I can only hope our relationship is that good some day.

 

My anger isn't pent up, I let him know when he upsets me with his remarks about sex or body parts. And after we talk about it, I try to give myself time to come around, then just when I start feeling at ease with him again, he pulls something like this.

Sorry, but him saying things like he needs to find another woman he can make happy, just breaks my heart to pieces

And I never say things like that to hurt him, and NEVER would!!!!

 

Just crying my eyes out over all this now, if he can't understand maybe he should find a woman that's happy being horny 24/7 300 some days a yr, but if so, he shouldn't have said "I DO"

 

xoxoxo C

[2much 19]

My Mrs has experienced a libido-disapearing act (maybe she needs the magic-wand ) and I feel the frustration that your hubby must be feeling now; and yes, there are times where I feel like it's unfair & I wonder if I want to be married any longer - but let me say that as much as I love sex & want to have swinging be a part of our lives, my marriage is more important. Now, communication is key but it may not solve anything. I guess patience & acceptance are what it boils down to; hopefully the love & comitment to the marriage is strong enough that divorce #3 does not enter the picture.

Good luck - and wish me good luck too, I want my Mrs' libido back too!!!!

[Vespertine 31]

Sorry, but him saying things like he needs to find another woman he can make happy, just breaks my heart to pieces

I think hearing this from a spouse would tear anyone's heart to pieces. I know it would mine.

 

Your husband is probably upset at the lack of sexual attention from you and he's lashing out. He feels hurt by it and he wants you to hurt too.

 

Immature thinking, but not uncommon.

 

Find a therapist, I think it will help.

[KittKatt 16]

2MUCH.......Good Luck too you

 

I will add ....that I to have a magic stick...and don't want it either

For me, I think it's like Vespertine said...being indifferant to sex ...sums it up

 

But, I am sure we will make it through all this, probably for it to rear it's ugly head again down the road

 

Best of luck to ya'

xoxoxo C

[KittKatt 16]

Ohhhh Vespertine......

I am sure your right that it's immaturity in play here, but a therapist....

Talking about my lack of sex drive is deminishing to me already, but to pay someone to have to talk about it more and more....AGGHHH

 

Maybe I should just try that new pill for women, the one like viagra

I'm sure he'd be happy then!!!

 

ty lady

xoxoxo C

[TeaseAndPlease 21]

Hi KittKatt,

 

Did you have your thyroid checked, at your appointment?

 

Your situation sounds like something that I went through. I was always tired, my cycle was messed up, always cold, never had any desire for sex, could not drop any weight even with a proper diet, depression, very low concentration level. Just thought thats what happens when you are a stay home mom, with 3 kids. Good thing that I persisted.

 

The results from my thyroid came back normal, but I told my doctor that I felt so bad that there was something wrong. Thyroid problems run in the family. Upon further examination he felt a nodule on my thyroid. A few tests, surgery to remove thyroid, radioactive iodine treatment, and now a daily dose a synthroid and I am a new woman.

 

Now that everything is regulated, we look back and realize how bad I did feel.

 

Just another idea for you. I hope that things get better for you.

[KittKatt 16]

Intresting question T&P,

Actually during a full std exam, blood work was ran on hubby and myself, HIS thyroid read abnormal, and doc wants to recheck it later.

However mine evidently read ok, but my cholesterol was high, and doc wants to re-check it too

 

I have had several occassions where I cannot get warm to save my life, I'm talkin 3 blankets, 3 comfortes, pillows stacked on top of me from head to toe, and an electric blanket, ALL AT ONCE!!!

sounds like I need to get doc to look further into it for me, thanks alot!!

 

xoxoxo C

[KittKatt 16]

https://www.verywellhealth.com/thyroid-disease-overview-4014636

 

After doing a quick search on thyroid, I found this site....in some reading it appears that most women" feel well " at a level of 1 to 2 on a TSH range

even though alot of doc's say a normal range is 5 to 6

 

ok, so I called my doc and asked what my test level was when she checked it in June 2005, they said it was 1.28

hmmmm interesting, because in June I was feeling fine...horny and attractive and all....

 

Now to get retested and see if my levels have changed since then

 

thanks again for the info.

xoxoxo C

[Chicup 41]

Kitty do you get exercise? I don't mean just light aerobic but weights, stretching, etc?

 

Since Mrs Chicup and I have started exercising on a more regular basis, her libido has drasticly increased and mine has shot through the roof. She was basicly A-sexual for a number of months due to a recent baby, being on the mini-pill, breast feeding, and feeling unattractive. Now thats shes looking and feeling better shes back to her old fun self.

[KittKatt 16]

Ahhhh got me there

I really don't as much as I should or could now that kiddo started school

and honestly it is a goal to go join the local gym, and go daily

 

I know I do feel better about myself and health in general when I excercise,

just haven't committed to it yet

 

xoxoxo C

[TeaseAndPlease 21]

After doing a quick search on thyroid, I found this site....in some reading it appears that most women" feel well " at a level of 1 to 2 on a TSH range

even though alot of doc's say a normal range is 5 to 6

 

ok, so I called my doc and asked what my test level was when she checked it in June 2005, they said it was 1.68

hmmmm intresting, because in June I was feeling fine...horny and attractive and all....

 

This is Mr. T&P adding a followup. I believe my wife's TSH level was "normal" but she still didn't feel well. She was persistent with her doctor so he did a physical exam on her neck and felt a small bump. The thyroid is usually not a gland you can feel through a physical exam so this was what raised the red flag -- not the blood work.

 

Just something to think about.

[RMRx2 24]

I always did enjoy reading Vespertine's posts. I would agree with her on all counts.

 

Maybe a suggestion, Pehaps both of you could benefit from a step back and placing your feet in the others shoes. These kinds of problems can often happen in reverse. Perhaps if hubby were to try and imagine being preoccupied with work, or some other issue that has his interest at a low point, and perhaps if you were to imagine your labido at an all time high. Just as an exercise in cooling this issue down to realistic and civil converstion with a bit of mutual understanding. He would see how while he loves you very much, would just not be feeling sexual and all the more that made you frustrated, would only increase the pressure for him to be in a place,,he just wasn't. And then too, if sexually charged, could give some thought to all of the feelings he is going through. Although, you seem to already understand his frustration pretty well. But maybe some real effort at imagining this issue in reverse may get you talking a bit more rationally.

 

With that, I will say that this sort of thing has happened both directions many times in our lives and life together. The one thing that always seems to help the most is to hold each other close, communicate, think of the others feelings first,,,,,and agree,,,,sex will happen when we're ready again. We usually get way ready sooner than we thought just becuase we let the pressure go.

 

I think Vespertines hubby has that understanding in that he backs off, and just loves her more. Why just last night, (and for the past cpl of weeks) we both really wanted to be horney and sexual, but just wasn't interested. We laid there naked next to each other making vain attemps at arousing each other, mixed with discussions on whether or not to turn out the lights. I asked Mrs. RMRX2 if she'd mind putting on a few articles of clothing. (I love watching her dress!) She was tired, but complied. She put on a black bra,,,some black thigh highs, a short black slip,,,,she was looking pretty hot. I suggested she put on one of my white dress shirts, turn the collar up and rll the sleeves a bit. As she did so, I could tell she was enjoying seeing me staring at her and she could tell I was enjoying what I saw. I motioned for her to come near the bed, and suggested she let her hair out ad shake it a bit!,,,,,,I said "OH BABY!, Go look at how hot you look in the mirror!" She did and came back to the bed with an ear to ear grin and crawled over me, hair all around my face. That's all it took, deciding we weren't in the mood, we backed away and played a little. She felt soooooo sexy,,I loved seeing her walking about the room dressing for me,,,,,,

 

We have a few erotic books I read to her from time to time. Her favorite is when I write an erotic short story about an actual hot session we shared and then read it to her. We have agreed many times we were going to put aside sex, and just spend a bit of time together. We have just played cards naked on the bed together. Seems soon as we agree niether of us is all that horney or we can just wait until we are,,,,,that's about when it all comes back.

 

Good luck and I hipe this helps in some way along with Vespertines wonderful posts.

 

the rmrx2's

[KittKatt 16]

T&P very true,

 

I have a follow up appt set for Sept 1st now to re-check my levels just in case, plus to check the choleterol

 

Honestly I am kinda hoping my levels are higher now, and that could explain how I have been feeling. And I will surely have them check the thyroid itself as well while I'm there.

 

But you know what, here I am trying to figure out what is wrong with me, and hopefully I will....assuming anything is at all,

and meanwhile, hubby is gettin off scott free with his belittling attitude....I am asking myself some serious questions now about the man I married.

 

After he gets home I'll ask if I can post his letter so everyone can get a better understanding of where I'm coming from on this.

 

'till then

xoxoxo C

[KittKatt 16]

Hi RMRx2

 

I to enjoy Vespertines posts, always have

 

As to your relationship ..........Awwwwwww it sounds so sweet and sensual

 

We too like to read stories, just haven't done it together as of yet, nice idea though. But I still have many many occasions where I just don't want to be touched at all!!!!!!

 

And then others where I am wearing out hubby, single men in mfm's and wore out 2 dildo's.....

 

I do fully understand that he is always horny and that even makes me feel kinda good in a way, but I wish I could help him understand that I'm NOT him , this gander don't want what the goose wants all the time....

 

but thank you all for the kind thoughts and advice

I'll try to keep you posted

xoxoxo C

[KittKatt 16]

Ok this is kitt. This has been a far better post then the last issue me and katt had. Everyone including katt has hit a issue I am going thru. I wrote the letter out of angry. i wrote it out of hope and most of all out of peace of mind.Meaning to get it off my chest. I do want you all to know that I love my wife dearly. I would do anything for her and she knows it. And sometime my meaning of thing come out wrong and we have to work it out.

 

Well our sex life after our kiddo went to the gutters.(4 years) And then all the sudden wham she can't get enough of me. OUCH! Now she has been sick off and on for the past two month almost and it is back to the same life we were living. I'm not say it is bad by no mean but was told by her how to keep it around. Well those thing don't work. It only makes it worse for me because I feel like it is me that can't turn her eyes. I feel like the failure here. I have giving up every thing I do to make sure that all my time away from work is ours with the exception of the neighbors wanting me to fix things (I'm the handy man around here too).

 

As for me being horny all the time. In my defense I'm not. But however I do want the cuddling, the kisses, and the thing that make two people feel like the other has hung the moon. But there is not anything like that here. Maybe a peck here and a peck there. We don't even share the same bed times anymore. I enjoy after a long days work and a nice supper to climb in bed before actually sleep time to cuddle, caress, and hen peck with my wife. But that don't happen either.

 

So my plans are to go back to my hobby which is ham radio. That I do upstairs. And to be Tony the hubby without any sexual attraction to my wife. I have been the chaser and i just can't chase no more. The rejection has just broke me down.

 

This is where I say the ball is in your court. If you want me you do the chasing I will be around here doing yard work, radio work, or playing with the kid. If that is wrong y'all tell me.

[Sunswept 161]

T&C

Hello T , good to see you post here! The good news is I think it is a good sign you are both posting about this. That means you two can work this out.

 

First of all, it is normal for a womans, (and mens too!) libedo to go through "cycles", swinging from higher to lower and back again...and the swings are much rougher for a woman because of their hormone cycles. Also, their libidos seem more affected by other health problems than mens libido's are. Doing everything, see a doctor,exercise and diet...all are things you two have to explore.

 

Also, when someone is on a libido downswing, there are many things that can make it longer and lower. Putting too much stress or pressure on something can make it fail, like the too much stress on a a stick will make it snap. Same with sex. The more narrow one's idea of what sex is can blind one to other avenues of sex, especially sexual and personal validation. Giving someone a kiss, or flowers or a non sexual, incidental touch, or any other attention "out of the blue", so to speak...with no "agenda" can be sex, and is very sexy.

 

T, I really invite you to ponder that negative comments to her will only make things worse and prolong both of your troubles. I also invite you C to make sure that, even though you are not feeling in the groove, to tell T you want things to be different...as often as possable till you all get past this.

 

Communications are vital, but we all can fall into communication patterns that are not helpful, and can be counter productive. T, saying something like " I know you are not feeling very horny, but I want you to know it is hard for me when our libidos get so out of sync....etc etc..etc." allows you to share with C how you are feeling... without putting pressure on her. How you say things means a lot. You can see from her posts she is already putting a lot of pressure on herself, and is unhappy with her loss of libido... and looking for answers. And to say something like "the ball is in your court" only makes her feel worse about something she already knows is a problem, is something she is at a loss to deal with, and does not want herself.

 

See what I am saying here? This is a sure way to make her libido go even lower...and make it low longer. Look at it this way. What if you were really tired or ill, and you could not get it up. And she said, "You better get it up, or the ball is in your court." Would that help you get it up?? I doubt it! Would it make you feel worse? Yes it would. And T, saying something to her like "I need to find another woman to make me happy" is...well, you know what it is, and I bet you wish you could take that back. So do that.

 

T, sure dry spells are hard to go through, we have all been there, its tough. And I do hope you get the idea that "its me that can't turn her eyes" out of your head. It is an illusion. NO ONE IS TURNING HER EYES RIGHT NOW! IT'S NOT ABOUT YOU! You said you "would do anything for her.." and I believe you. So, you have to hang in there with her on this. There are so many ways to make a woman feel appreciated and loved, do those things for her now. And not because you need to, but because you want to. Her body, the one you love, is doing things to her she wishes it was not! Remember that and help her with that. Cherish those "pecks here and there." Believe me, you don't want those little pecks to end..for any reason.

[RMRx2 24]

KittKatt said:

Hi RMRx2

 

it together as of yet, nice idea though. But I still have many many occasions where I just don't want to be touched at all!!!!!!

 

 

Kittkatt, heard you loud and clear through the posts, "just don't want to be touched at all" It is good that you want to figure this out and work on the problem the two of you are having, because I am sure you have figured out that if there is not any physical reasons and the relationship is not that out of wack, "not wanting to be touched at all" is a problem in a relationship and a personal one, Yours. And as such, yours to determine the reasons and fix.

 

Mostly I read venting about hubby in and around the discussion of the problem. Mostly I read venting about hubby in around the advice offered up. Venting is good. But not wanting to be touched at all requires some proactive efforts. Now I read venting from hubby. All good, maybe time to roll up the sleeves and work on it.

 

Definitely feel both of you need to be focusing proactively and in healthy, positive ways towards each others need, feelings, and in resolving this issue, whatever the core issues turn out to be.

 

There are many reasons that interest in sexual attention may wain. There are few legitimate reasons for it to continue. Arguing and being angry or frustrated with one another isn't going to fix it. Sadly, there are many in this world who feel it is a GOD given right to refuse physical attentions from the one they have professed their love and commitment to for whatever reasons ( and some them can be pretty deep ,manipulative, life learned, and hard to resolve) even if it is to be passive resistant to the problem. We do not agree. Physical attention and contact is a basic human need, as is air, food and water.

 

I hope you will take this in the way it was intended, a bit of no punches pulled advice. It is not meant in anyway to offend either of you. In discussion, mrs rmrx2 and I wish you the very best luck with the problems you are having. Having conflict in a relationship just sucks. Wishing you brighter days. Hoping the two of you can hold each other this weekend. The rmrx2's

[KittKatt 16]

Hi Sunswept,

 

This is C here, and I just want to thank you very much for your honesty and helpfulness

 

I can only imagine the blissfulness you must of had with your wife, and am so sorry for your loss. You have spoken to us both on this matter as if you understand the situation even without all the details.

 

You are very correct in your advice , and yes all kinds of small, thoughtful things, count as affection and sensualness, I do enjoy the small things as much as the next person.....given that I feel wanted and loved and respectd.

I am about to explain that in detail on the following post.

 

After T arrived home thursday, I had him read this forum, and needless to say, it lead us to a huge discussion !! One that I demanded and didn't give up untill we talked.

 

Alot of helpful advice has been given to us, and greatly appreciated

And yes we both have our own issues that need dealt with, without a doubt.

Dealt with together and lovingly,

 

It's a long road in life, and one that's most cherished and enjoyed with someone we love, learning, and growing are a huge part of that too .

 

xoxoxo C

[KittKatt 16]

Hello RMRx2 ,

 

This is C and I think I can understand what you are saying, however I don't think everyone can truly understand this situation without some cold hard facts that haven't been mentioned yet.

 

Please understand that we did have a true heart to heart talk and are currently in good standings and trying to correct our problems together.

And so that you could understand why I would choose not to have the normal and expected touching you described as needed in life as we need water and air, I got my husband's permission to post his letter.

 

If you received this from your spouse and reoccurring remarks as such, would you or anyone reading this want to be sexual with them? Keep in mind that I have kept forgiving him for these things he says to me, but in our talk Thursday it was stated that this MUST STOP and STOP NOW!! I cannot and will not take any more emotional abuse , nor do I have to. I love this man with all my heart, but will not be unhappy my entire life to be with him.

Not that I want to be without him, I don't think I could so much as breath without him in my life, to share my days with. So here goes......

 

This is his one of many letters to me, I received this the morning of my first post on this issue.................................................................

 

" ey, yeah it's me again, the sorry dumb ass who thinks to much. Well I have a problem and it needs fixed and fixed quickly. This is Bull Sh*t. I should not have to put myself through this torcher and you should not be treated the same. We have had the most beautiful love & passion over the last few months. Well skip the last one & part of July. But I am starting to see that it was not LOVE. Well now you pissed me off. But C it's true. If it is love, are you saying you dont love me that much anymore like those past months? C you have me goin in two directions. NO MORE, I CAN'T HANDLE THIS. IT IS F*CKING WITH MY HEAD TO MUCH. NOW I KNOW YOUR COME BACK ANSWER....YOU BEEN SICK,,,,YES YOU HAVE, SICK OF ME TOUCHING , GROPING YOU CALL IT..WELL C , I GUESS WHEN YOU F*CK ME, I TOUCH YOU THE SAME WAY. So now my sex with you has never turned you on. Because I grope you. You tell me I have to do this & that to help you get in the mood. Well I do, I gave up radio's so I can sit on the bed and watch you play TOONTOWN, wich I guess is the QT you want with me?

 

I come home and try to do anything I can for you, but when I want a little romance, cuddling and if it turns to F*ckin, then hey I turned you on!! Cool I can do something right.

 

I am tired C, I don't want to play your game no more. I work to hard everyday to be puttin myself through these frustrations. The rejection and going to bed at 2 differant times. I don't want to sleep with a woman that don't want me.Who don't like me.Who gets pissed off because her husband is horny and wants his wife, not anyone else. Just the one he loves.

 

F*CK the swinging S*IT , I want you. I would rather slerp alone in separate rooms. Now that your pissed off at me give me your reasons. Tell me how I'm a f*cking a*s hole, because iI want my WIFE!!

 

C if you don't want me and you just keepin me around to help with our kid to make sure she is taken care of, that's fine! I will take care of you, But I am going to take care of T's needs to, or there won't be a T around. Something has to give C, you need to open up with me or let me go. Cause if I don't turn you on, then I will find someone who will let me turn them on!!!!!!

You don't need me for that anyways, you have a list, plus you can still venture upstairs and F*ck me when you need it. I am sorry you think I'm an A*s Hole, but hey you want some of me you better protect it! Because where I want to go right now, you will NEVER get me back!!

Yes I am in that bad a shape C. C I love you very much and if I can't express it the only way I know how, then SHOOT ME AND PUT ME OUT OF MY MISERY AND YOURS.

 

The ball is in your court, you are the driver of our relationship. T "

 

 

That's his letter, and yes he explained to me he feels jealous of my time on the pc and not with him, so I am adjusting that so we can spend more time together , and try to go to bed at the same times,

 

And for some reason he admits that he has always felt responsible for other peoples happiness, even a stranger......

Mind you we had these same problems before swinging to, due to my fluctuating libido, and this isn't the only nor the worst he has said to me, but I honestly think he is beginning to understand and coming to a point where we together can work through this.

 

Thank you all for your caring and advice, and sorry that was soooo long

 

xoxoxo C

[chastityrings 15]

{{{hugs}}} to both of you, I have gone through sort of the same thing with the loss of sexual interest, then the over horniness, and also the not wanting to be touched, I find sometimes as a mother you get climbed on all day long by your kids, (not a bad thing but it wears you down), then your husband comes home and wants a piece of you too, so you give in and it goes on and on until you start feeling like a piece of playground equipment, and you just plain want to be left alone, no sex no touching just left the f*ck alone. Then when you tell him that, he takes it personal and thinks he's DONE something, when he hasn't (seems like some guys need to feel responsible for everything). I think some guys just don't understand that we as women and mothers, need some space of our own, some time to fuss over ourselves,(when's the last time you sat down and did your nails cause you found a cool new color you liked? ) instead of everybody else, that we feel kinda crowded, and its hard to get it through their heads that we DO LOVE THEM, just not on top of us for awhile. Its hard to feel attractive when you never get time to do things just for you. My best to you.

[Vespertine 31]

KittKatt said:

If you received this from your spouse and reoccurring remarks as such, would you or anyone reading this want to be sexual with them? Keep in mind that I have kept forgiving him for these things he says to me, but in our talk Thursday it was stated that this MUST STOP and STOP NOW!! I cannot and will not take any more emotional abuse , nor do I have to. I love this man with all my heart, but will not be unhappy my entire life to be with him.

 

Not that I want to be without him, I don't think I could so much as breath without him in my life, to share my days with. So here goes......

When I read this letter I don't see your husband being emotionally abusing to you. I see a man that's hurting. I see a man trying to communicate his feelings to his wife. I don't get the impression from reading this letter that he's just looking for a fuck. I see a man seeking reassurance that he's still wanted... and loved. I can see that he's said some things to hurt you, and I'm sorry he did. I think it's normal (but not right) to lash out and try to hurt someone that you feel is hurting you. I'm not implying that you hurt him. I think he's hurt because he doesn't understand what's going on.

 

Quote

That's his letter, and yes he explained to me he feels jealous of my time on the pc and not with him, so I am adjusting that so we can spend more time together , and try to go to bed at the same times

Shut the computer off and spend some time with your husband, and see what's going on with you two. Have you started this thread to get honest advice or are you looking for someone to validate your feelings?

 

It's obvious from everything that I've read that you're both hurting and it seems that you're both unhappy. It's time to do something about it. I don't think lack of libido is your main problem here. There appears to be more layers underneath that have yet to be addressed.

 

I went through something similar with my husband many years back. It took a LOT of blood, sweat and tears ( and a years separation) to get our relationship back on track. As it turned out, the things we most complained about weren't the core problems in our marriage.

 

Once again, I wish you both the best.

[RMRx2 24]

Quote

 

I went through something similar with my husband many years back. It took a LOT of blood, sweat and tears ( and a years separation) to get our relationship back on track. As it turned out, the things we most complained about weren't the core problems in our marriage.

 

Once again, I wish you both the best.

 

 

Vespertine, we admire you even more for your honesty and willingness to even think back on that time and share for others. From personal experience, it is tough stuff, that takes down a lot of relationships, and not even fun to think back on. We become much stronger , though, for the effort. Just getting back to the board after a long absence, but hope someday we actually meet at some gathering.

 

Kittkatt, thank you for taking our response in the spirit it was intended. We did think that with the weekend coming up and all , you two would go through this thread together and some dialogue would ensue. We wrote what we did in an effort to help you both settle into the issue and realize the hurting needed to be stopped on both sides. It sounds like that dialogue opened up some from all of the wonderful people here on the board and in your genuine love for each other. We hope that continues and you work through this time. As Vespertine wrote, so many times there are many other issues at the core of things.

 

It is awesome that you have had the courage to seek help and open up to relatively total strangers.

 

Best of wishes and keep us posted.

 

warmly, the rmrx2's

[New2theSwingSet 15]

Wow this is an interesting thread. I want to put my 2 cents in, since i'm a house-husband, so i have a different viewpoint. I look after the house, the kids, have the meals prepared, etc. awaiting for my wife to get home from work. I spend a good amount of time thinking about sex, always looking forward to the evening to spend with my wife. Unfortunately i never seem to get it right, i put the kids to bed and usually am prepared to hop in the sack with her before she goes to sleep. She usually has different ideas for the night. Usually consisting of working on paperwork, making important calls, or watching her fave shows, and then either falling asleep on the couch or off to bed where she is the fastest person to fall asleep i've ever known.

 

We've gone through times when she didnt desire anything sexual, possibly a hormone thing, or during or post pregnancy, but the whatever the reason, until it was fixed, luckily for me it's only ever temporary, the sex was non-existant. I also fell into the category of being an asshole. I had needs. But really, the lashing out remarks were always mutual. We both can battle with hurtful words. Really i think it's just a good way to vent the frustration, because we're both feeling that way, and i hear it's a good way to reduce your blood pressure.

 

But when the dust settled and we got over the arguing, we sat down to actually discuss what needs we had during the difficult time of sex-free living. I was upset that i couldnt have sex with her, but what i really wanted was to feel special to her still. It's not uncommon for a woman to feel this way, but men go thru it too. We both enjoy romance, and spending time together, but when it came to sexuality, it was only i that had needed it. Perhaps we could role-play we're on a gameshow and i could use a life-line and call a friend to help me with my needs. But alas, this is reality here and so we talked... about that she wanted to be near me, but the "groping" had to stop. I can handle that, but i don't want to hear that she doesnt see any signs that i want her. To those women being groped by your husbands, thats how we're letting you know we want you. If you dont like it or you are getting the message uncomfortably, you gotta let us know what will work for you. I like to think what works in the bedroom will work anywhere, but i've figured out groping isnt it. But think about it before you suggest something, for instance when my wife suggested i massage her feet instead of groping her and she'd get the hint, well, i think i just took to crawling for about a week and a half to get closer to them.

 

But other then her having a "problem" not wanting sex, she did want to feel close to me emotionally and i spend alot of time giving her alot of non-sex intended attention, back massages, romantic bubblebaths, cuddling on the couch. We also make sure that we hug and kiss every day before she leaves for work or when one of us goes to bed, since we often dont have the same sleep schedule. This works out well. But it doesnt address my needs entirely. But we compromised. I will give her a massage and even if i dont want to, i'll do my best to seem like i'm enjoying it. And really i do. And she could spend some time teasing me in the bedroom, or a handjob, or whatever she is comfotable with, and seem to enjoy it as well. But having sex wont become an issue. She always felt that if she was to "grope" me, that i would just want sex... well now you understand our rationale for groping as well.

 

So i recommend doing some sex-free activities that still involve a level of intimacy. Even if that means she teases me and i just take matters into my own hands. It was like we were teenagers again and that was kind of fun.

 

But... on the other hand, we went through a period of time when i wasnt interested so much in sex. It's a whole different ballgame when she feels rejected or unwanted. Talking about what really matters to each of you during this time can even make the relationship stronger.

 

***

We vowed to each other "To have and to hold" I didnt misinterpret that did I? To have... it does say "To have", right? we both agreed to this i'm sure. through the good times and the bad times.. whether we're rich or poor... in sickness and health... To Have... to have... sorry honey i think it's a pretty binding contract we got ourselves into. it's out of my hands now.

[KittKatt 16]

Hi chastityrings ,

 

Yes you make a good point, but really it's not that I don't have time now to do those things for myself, kid goes to school and I am just kinda STUCK, like in a rutt.....but ya' gotta remember I am only 35, 36 in December, and my oldest son will be 20 in a few days.....youngest kiddo being 4, almost 5

 

So yeah I have some adjusting to do with myself and my time, it's been a long road for me starting so freakin' young!!!!

 

But your right, at this very moment I have maroon polish over hot pink on my toes now, and most has rubbed away already, it's just gettin' myself to

" Get 'ER DONE "

 

 

thanks darlin for being understanding and non judgmental

xoxoxo C

[KittKatt 16]

Hi Vespertine ,

 

I will try to savour my grain of salt here ok......... facelick

 

I suppose from where you are standing, not knowing us what so ever, and without knowing every last detail of our lives, you could read that letter in the way you did, that's why I closed it with, it isn't the only nor the worst that's been said !

 

VALIDATION? Neither of us NEED VALIDATION of our feelings, we just were going through some rough times and came to a helpful forum for some friendly advice, as well as to share our experiance with others who will unfortunately have the same troubles at some point in their lives.

 

Thank you for the best wishes, and sorry to hear of your seperation, but glad to know it all worked out and your back together with your hubby

 

xoxoxo C

[KittKatt 16]

Hello RMRx2 ,

 

RMRx2 said:

It is awesome that you have had the courage to seek help and open up to relatively total strangers.

 

Best of wishes and keep us posted.

 

warmly, the rmrx2's

 

Thanks, and we are happy that we have found such a helpful place to seek advice, the fact that everyone on this board is open enough to share their own experiences and help others is a wonderful thing !

 

We still have some trials and tribulations yet, but things are slowly getting a lot better.

 

xoxoxo C

[KittKatt 16]

Dear New2theSwingSet ,

 

New2theSwingSet said:

So I recommend doing some sex-free activities that still involve a level of intimacy. Even if that means she teases me and I just take matters into my own hands. It was like we were teenagers again and that was kind of fun.

 

But... on the other hand, we went through a period of time when I wasn't interested so much in sex. It's a whole different ballgame when she feels rejected or unwanted. Talking about what really matters to each of you during this time can even make the relationship stronger.

 

Dito, Hi it's nice to get a man's point of view , and yeah it's not nice for either SO to feel REJECTED ever!!

 

And I suppose we both felt it, although for different reasons, his for lack of sex....because I was still wanting to be close to him other than that.

Mine, for lack of him understanding, after 6 years of the same explanation.

 

As you, and sunswept also stated as well as some others, it is the LITTLE THINGS that we welcome and cherish and need so much, men and women.

 

Just last night we were talking and he made a comment as, him trying to make me want him or sex, and to me not being sexually attracted to him!! OMG....I re-assured him that I am ALWAYS SEXUALLY ATTRACTED to him!!! and that sex for me at least is not left or right...there's an entire MIDDLE that keeps gettin jumped over, we have to try harder, and that even he likes the small things as much as I.

 

Thanks for your advice and help

 

xoxoxo C

[Paramour2_99 0]

I might suggest doing something perhaps out of your ordinary every day routine that might jump start your libido.

 

Perhaps an evening of entertainment like a "comedy club" might leave you both feeling so upbeat that for one evening you two can laugh and forget the pressures of the day. And maybe dancing after that????

 

A few years ago, my wife & I went to Las Vegas and I bought her a spa package when we stayed at the MGM Grand. She never had one before and to this day it rejuvenates her just to think about it. So maybe treat yourself to a spa treatment? That might renew your libido?

 

I wish you luck,,,,, Sincerely "X" Swinger

[KittKatt 16]

Paramour2_99 ,

 

Hello and thanks, actually due to finances we don't get out much, but have recentlt started watching alot of COMEDY Central, and yes it does seem to help a great deal...to laugh and relax.

 

His birthday is comin' up in a few days and I asked if maybe we could go to a comedy show or a concert....dont know yet, but will try to find something fun, and hopefully Aunt Flo isn't in town

 

xoxoxo C

[KittKatt 16]

hey everyone, kitt here. All I can say is thanks to everyone posting in our time of despair. All have touched on our problems in one way or the other (mine or hers). Most have been helpful to me in coping with the fact that she puts off the vibes that I am unwanted by her. All I can really say is Surrender. Mother nature is too tough and unpredictable. So like the old days when thing were unsexual around here I shall go to bed and dream of the time we have had playing with each other. In other word keep my head up and walk a straight line. And don't try so hard to push her into myselfishness. (just go with the flow ) and watch what I say. Speak with the mouth not the head

Thanks again everyone

[RMRx2 24]

Your very welcome and we wish you the best.

 

I think the majority or the points made were to keep working on any issue that may be keeping you apart and/or interferring with the ability to connect and provide loving human contact for one another.

 

yes the pressure needs to be off for sure. you should work to understand each other much better. but also both should work to bring about a closeness and the physical sharing to at some point that is what it is to be human and have contact with the one you love.

 

there have been many suggestions for non sexual, goal oriented bonding either in day to day nicieties, together activitiies, conversation (not arguements!) and also exploration or any health issues that may exist.

 

heads down and ignoring a problem only leads to much bigger ones down the road and we hope that is not what we hear in your post.

 

ya'll seem like a very nice deeply commited couple. relationships like that are hard to find,,just ask around of your single friends how hard it is to find someone you can work through anything with, bet they'd trade you struggles for thier endless search anyday. it is worth the effort.

 

oh lordy, and if either of you have ever been divorced before, you know what we mean, but endless child support, not having any input to what the "other parent" does in parenting,who it is that might be playing daddy or mommy to your kid with the other parent is frustrating , stressful, sometimes heartbreaking enough to make anyone cherish what they have and work very hard to keep it healthy,,,,,

 

I'll sit on the end of the bed , "discussing" anything, round the clock, go to any amount of counseling, whatever it takes, to never go through that again!

best wishes, the rmrx2's

[KittKatt 16]

All so very true,

 

We have each been divorced twice before, and each have a non-custodial child, and child support payments!!!

 

It is very dificult to say the least, and we too will swim across an ocean if it keeps us together.

 

Thank you all very much, and take care

 

xoxoxo C

[RMRx2 24]

KittKatt said:

All so very true,

 

We have each been divorced twice before, and each have a non-custodial child, and child support payments!!!

 

It is very dificult to say the least, and we too will swim across an ocean if it keeps us together.

 

Thank you all very much, and take care

 

xoxoxo C

 

yep, if ya'll like us, we even prefer to meet those in the lifestyle that have been through blended family situations and a re-marriage,,,,,,,I mean, it is awesome when folks have been married to each other forever,,but we find those folks just can't relate to us and what it is to "trade" kids every weekend or whatever. it's like a different world we live in. with some, we have even felt they might be looking down their noses a bit at us for having not made it in "one marriage"

[KittKatt 16]

Dito RMRx2

 

That basically just goes back to " finding someone in common with ourselves"

 

And for us, it was really his highly religous folks that looked down their noses at us!!! But they have warmed up a bit over the last 6 yrs....LOL

 

Not that this is a commanality we wish upon anyone....EVER....

And knowing our childrens happiness comes first....is why we divorced our x's and x's !

All our children are much better the way it is than seeing their parents hating each other

We all miss alot, special occasions, doctering boo boo's, helping with the nightmares....and well you know

 

Plus it seems very hard like you said to find someone compatible with our lifestyle in general.....

Sure is nice to hear someone understands though ,

 

thank you

 

xoxoxo C

[lovedoctor 15]

You need to go see your doctor. What about depression, the depressive phase of bipolar disorder (bipolar disorder is manifest by mood shifts and sudden swings in libido, energy level, etc), Graves disease or some other autoimmune disorder? Go see your doctor!

[KittKatt 16]

Hi Lovedoctor,

 

Actually I had an appointment today, they have started with some blood work to check my thyroid since troubles run in my family, and also doc is checkin my hormone levels, however the saliva test for it can't be collected untill next month prior to menstrual cycle....wich is already over a week late, and I am fixed

 

My energy levels are so low, I alomost fell over just gettin on the scales today....

 

We will keep on them to run more tests as soon as these results return, assuming I need any further testing.

 

Thanks for the advice....

 

xoxoxo C

[KittKatt 16]

UPDATE....

 

test results are still normal on the blood count and thyroid. doc did an exam of the thyroid as well, all was fine.

 

return friday for more testing,, and all my symptoms are still here, not wantin' much affection these days....just ache too much

 

so far relationship seems better and pray it stays that way

 

we are going to donate our home and time for Katrina victims.....

and never forget, things could always be worse......be so thankful for what we have

 

xoxoxo C

[Chicup 41]

Don't forget to work out too

[KittKatt 16]

Don't forget to work out too

 

 

You sound like my doctor.....hmmmm i smell conspiracy

Seriously, she wants me to also for the slightly raised cholesterol, along with fish oil tabs.....yuck

 

Thanks

 

xoxoxo C

[lovedoctor 15]

I'm wondering if you might have fibromyalgia? Sometimes the waxing and waning energy levels with body aches can be a sign of that. Of course, it is a diagnosis of exclusion, so you need to continue to work with your doc on this. How are you sleeping?

[KittKatt 16]

Hey Lovedoctor,

 

A friend also sugested that, as he said body aches and headaches are common as well, and he has it, but was prescribed sleeping meds to treat it I would have never guessed that would help.

I am having doc check me for anything from VD to Cancer, somethin's wrong!!

 

Sleep.....hmm when I sleep lately it's mostly nightmares, but I think it's due to the Katrina disaster, other than that, I pretty much stay sleepy, sometimes to the point my eyes burn, even though I get 6 to 9 hrs

 

xoxoxo C

[lovedoctor 15]

Hey Lovedoctor,

 

A friend also sugested that, as he said body aches and headaches are common as well, and he has it, but was prescribed sleeping meds to treat it I would have never guessed that would help.

I am having doc check me for anything from VD to Cancer, somethin's wrong!!

 

Sleep.....hmm when I sleep lately it's mostly nightmares, but I think it's due to the Katrina disaster, other than that, I pretty much stay sleepy, sometimes to the point my eyes burn, even though I get 6 to 9 hrs

 

xoxoxo C

 

Not to jump to any conclusions, but one of the most universal symptoms in Fibro is the associated sleep disorder. In many cases, if the patient can achieve quality sleep (REM) they will make at least some improvement. Again, it is a diagnosis of exclusion, so you need to get completely evaluated - as you are doing, but I wouldn't rule it out at this point. Also, get your doc to go over any meds you might be taking, b/c this might cause fatigue and diminished libido also.

[HotMoCpl 20]

Not to worry. Its the 'change' more than likely. Just ask hubby to chill a little while and you both will be fine. My wife's been going through it for nearly 12 years now. Her pill of choice is Zoloft. Makes her a little "ballsy" but then I like her like that. Ask your doctor if he/she can perscribe it with Wellbutrin as this may help your libido. C'mon now....SMILE!

[KittKatt 16]

Also, get your doc to go over any meds you might be taking, b/c this might cause fatigue and diminished libido also.

 

Thanks, wanted to say though I don't take any meds, except ibuprofin for pain, and dont take it daily, even though the pain is daily. Doc appt tomorrow, wonder what test we will do now...hmmmmmm

 

I'll let ya know what we find out

 

xoxoxo C