My husband is upset with me because I don't want to swing anymore

[lady61 15]

My husband first introduced me to the lifestyle 4 years ago. Since then I have made many wonderful friends and love the clubs etc. The problem is I never really have enjoyed soft and or full swapping the way he does, but I continued to do so to make him happy. I KNOW that is wrong, but that is what I did. Now, during the past 3 months, he has been pressuring me more and more to be with other men/couples. Our night out at the club or party is not complete if we do not end up with another couple. I am finally speaking up and telling him this is NOT for me. I just can' t do it anymore. I told him that I still want to go to lifestyle parties/clubs...and keep our friends in the lifestyle, but I just want to be with him sexually. If the right circumstances arise, I would not rule out playing with others, but I just need to have the pressure off of me. It is affecting our marriage, so I asked my husband to "take some time off" from the lifestyle and let's concentrate on US. He said he would do so because he loves me so much, but that I am not being fair in giving him such an ultimatum. He told me I need to compromise. He is very angry with me and I feel guilty for this. He said I have changed, but all that has changed is I am finally speaking up for myself and stating what I truely feel. Is my marriage doomed? Can a person stop swinging and not hold it against their spouse?

Any comments much appreciated. I love my husband with all my heart, but I just can't swing anymore.

Lady61

[nwmifun 16]

Well, our two cents worth is stick to your guns. The way we approach our fun or swinging for lack of a better word, is definitely not a lifestyle, and we both agree if we aren't both on the same page we won't do it. Participating in this swinging is definitely not worth it if there's any trouble brought into your true lifestyle.

 

Here's hoping your husband gives you the respect you deserve and allows you to make up your mind with what you want to do. If there's one negative from either of us, it's a no go.

[intuition897 2,179]

What a tough situation. I admire your backbone, girl! Being true to yourself is SO important. I agree with nwmifun: stick to your guns. The bottom line is that swinging is NEVER something that should be expected of one's partner. It's a gift and a privelege, not his right.

 

I'd also suggest that your hubby re-examines his reasons for swinging. If he values an orgasm over his respect for you (which is what it really boils down to, right?), he's the one drawing the line in the sand, not you. You have nothing to apologize for. He can't seriously expect you to compromise yourself emotionally, spiritually, mentally or otherwise...just so he can get his rocks off??

 

Perhaps I'm coming down a little hard on the guy, seeing as how I'm only hearing one side of the story (I do this all the time ). He may have his story to add, but if what you've said is true, lady61, and he is as adamant as it sounds like he is about the matter, the sad logic of it is that his needs may not match yours. What you choose to do with your findings is entirely up to the both of you.

 

Wish I could be of more help.

[twoplayful2 16]

I'm curious why it is you've never really enjoyed it. I know it's not for everyone, but you've been at it for quite a while, I'm sure you've had your share of experiences, but never really enjoyed it? It seems like there's a good chance you two got into it for the wrong reasons in the first place. That being said, I agree that you need to stick to your guns but I also suggest you still try to be understanding of his feelings on this one. Yeah, yeah, yeah, marriage and the SO are more important, but it's a whole lot of excitement and fun (at least for him) to suddenly give up after four years. Stick to your guns but also try to be patient and understanding (as much as possible anyway) with him during this. Good luck though, this may be one door that's very tough to close.

[Sweet_Candy 54]

I would agree with all of the above. Stick to your decision. Will it be rough? You betcha. I hope that you two can draw upon the good foundation laid in your marriage. It is not uncommon for the glamour to fade with anything we do. Good Luck!

[EvilMJ 65]

i have been in a similar situation, only in reverse. Hubby one day decided he did not want to swing any more and that was it, we were quitting. I was both angry and confused..how dare he make this decision for both of us with out even talking about it. Then i resigned myself to the fact that it was over, then we talked.

 

I found out that it wasn't swinging as a whole that was bothering him, but certain aspects of it that were causing him problems. We talked it over, decided to take a break for a bit to deterimine if swinging was still something we wanted to do, to work out the bugs and set some new ground rules. It really helped us out. It can be hard to work through that inital anger, that feeling that your SO has taken something you like to do away from you. But if he is willing to sit and talk about it, maybe you can make some head way, be very clear to him as to what is bothering you.

[chastityrings 15]

It is soooo hard when the real you gets sick of doing things to "humor" your partner and finally takes a stand, they tend to feel betrayed, and want to know why you weren't honest to start with...which is understandable, but what you need to make clear is that you did it because he wanted you to and everybody makes sacrifices especially if they feel they may lose the other if they don't. Then comes the time when you really get to know each other and the walls come down and out comes the REAL you.(Kinda like burping and farting in front of them ) only more extreme. Hopefully you two can talk it out and hopefully your relationship is based more on friendship and love than sex . If it's built on sex alone then you are better off moving on.

I just went through this sort of thing with my husband, I finally got nerve after YEARS, to tell him about my kinks and he went spastic and paranoid on me, it was 2 weeks of hell, but we got through it, and he is now trying to understand me. He said the worst part was he was totaly honest with me and couldn't understand why I wasn't with him, and I explained that I felt he would think badly of me and I was afraid of loosing him. But after years and a child together, I was sick of being someone I am not, so I told him. I'm babbling now but I hope you understand what I' trying to get accross to you. Good luck, I hope it all works out for you.

[starlinn 17]

My question here is how did you go four years without telling your husband that you were "Taking One For the Team?" I can understand that he may be a little aggrivated at you because he wants to expand your experiences, and you want to stop in your tracks. I can also understand how it may be confusing to him, that all along you have participated, then all of a sudden you say you were only doing it to please him. This would be a hard pill for me to swallow too. I commend you honesty with him, but please understand that he is probably bewildered by past experiences that you participated in . When I was reading your post, I got the feeling that the lifestyle is not out of the question, just that you want to take it a little slower. It seems that you feel there is no need to play EVERY time you go to the club or party. Is the fact that he goes with the intent to play every time the factor that is bothering you?

[Chicup 41]

There is nothing wrong with taking a break.

 

From what I can read between the lines, you ENJOY the playing, what you dont' enjoy is the quest for more and more couples. I don't think this is uncommon and Mrs. Chicup has suggested the same to me before.

 

I think there needs to come a point where 'enough is enough' for now and you enjoy what you have without the constant pressure of finding new people. Its somewhat stressful meeting new couples, with both good and bad outcomes and its perfectly understandable if you get to a point where you just don't want to deal with it.

[New2theSwingSet 15]

Well, i just wanted to add a couple thoughts to this to see what everyone thinks. I guess the idea that one of the partners may at some point choose to put a halt to the activities before the other is not uncommon. I'm in the situation now where i have been asked to put things on hold until my wife has our baby. I knew during this time it would be expected to stop playing, but not too excited when it finally came down to it.

 

some points to ponder: if i had been told that we were stopping, i would have been quite angry. being asked helped immensely. not that i really had any options, but i didnt feel like i was being forced into anything either. i see alot of people saying you shouldnt start swinging just to please your partner, but they also seem to think u should stop swinging just to please your partner. correct me if i'm wrong about that one.

 

Now we're very young and inexperienced in this realm, but we do have some friends that we consider very close to us. I don't think of them as toys for my amusement. I think although they might not be close to each other, it's still an extended group. So in any team event, if one person is a weak link, they don't just make the person closest to them suffer, it does have an effect on the whole. So i don't see many people taking a democratic stance and discuss options with their group before they just flatout call it quits. Maybe it's not necessary if you're the team leader and anyone else's opinion doesnt make any difference to you. But i notice alot of people saying communication is vital to making things work. Is it safe to assume that when you make a decision or want something to change, you dont consider communicating with your friends?

 

I've also noticed that some times, generally the wife (dont attack me on this one, i'm sure men have done this too) will make a statement of: I'm not enjoying this as much and want to stop, but under the right circumstances it may be possible. What's this supposed to mean? I realize in my case, if we found someone close to us that enjoyed pregnant women then it would be a possibility, but again that means the one that wanted to stop things also has total control over ever starting things again. So am I, like others that might not be prepared at that instant to stop, not supposed to have the desire to want things to continue. How can i honestly answer the question of "Hey honey, what do u want to do tonight?"

 

As well, maybe it's only my lusting opinion, but at the moment you're being confronted to stop playing, how uncommon is it to suggest maybe a couple more times (perhaps a specific number of times) and then the decision can be reached together. Furthermore, what happens when the friends you play with are also friends that you also hang around with socially. I dont know about others, but our friends, when we go out and socialize, we usually all have the same goal in mind for the end of the night. So how many playmates do you keep as just friends after you stop playing?

 

Concluding, i'd like to suggest that one person having the control over making the other person start or stop swinging is completely intolerable. If it's a strong marriage, both need to actually respect the others concerns and show some compassion. To me it seems very hypocritical to think you cant (shouldnt) force your partner to start swinging, but you can force them to stop.

 

***

So the 2 kids are playing building a tower, it's very strong on the ground floor, and they start building it higher. Reinforcing every block, it might not be a perfect tower, but it's taking on a good shape, and they are working on it together. the one kid decides he doesnt want to play anymore. The tower just isnt working out. so the kid just smashes the whole thing. the other kid sulks for awhile. perhaps he'll build his own tower. perhaps they'll just go and play tag.

 

Our tower has a big Under Construction sign on it and we're both out to lunch.

[Bella&Cooper 15]

I am completely understanding of how you are feeling. We have been in the lifestyle for the past 9 months or so and have had some good experiences. Having said that, I've never let myself completely go and be open, and when all is said and done, the act of swinging physically has made me uncomfortable. What swinging has done for my sex life with my husband has made it enhanced and we've learned things about each other and our fantasies that we didn't know about each other before.

 

Swinging works and ONLY works when BOTH husband and wife are into it 100%. When one person, for whatever reason, decides they can't do it anymore, then that's it. Could be either partner, doesn't matter. Nothing is intolerable, swinging in and of itself is not something for everyone and it takes a very open minded person and couple to experience it in the first place.

 

I think if your husband really loves you and respects you, he will come to understand how you are feeling. I told my husband that I wasn't comfortable anymore, and he said "no problem, hon, DONE. Say no more.." because at the end of the day, our marriage, life, family and home are way more important than the quest of finding and screwing other people. I too have said that I'm not closing the door completely on swinging, just that I need a break from it all. And that is completely acceptable and I would accept that if it came from him as well.

 

Good for you for sticking to your guns, and being true to YOURSELF. In the lifestyle, I've learned that you cannot dismiss your feelings because things can spiral out of control pretty darn quick.

 

Best wishes to ya..

[RMRx2 24]

To me it seems very hypocritical to think you cant (shouldnt) force your partner to start swinging, but you can force them to stop.

 

new2theswingset, You make a commitment to love, charish, be with, and committed to the one you marry. That does not include the others, in fact a difficult line from the vows that adds so much guilt for some is "foresaking all others" BUT that is the fundamental difference that is in our opinion the answer to what you may view as being hypocritical.

 

lady61, you have every right to speak how you feel and have your husband hear it, as he has his right to speak his, and in that we wish you the best in finding mutual ground and be able to come to an agreement.

 

as for those who may be here, or visit here, that may read this thread who are contemplating the lifestyle, THIS IS THE VERY REASON THAT YOU MUST BE SURE YOU BOTH ARE BEING TRUE TO YOURSELVES IN WHAT YOU SAY AND DO. It can be a wonderful activity for a cpl and in many ways enrich thier relationship. At the very least, discussions of ones human sexualality, desires, fantasies, attractions to others can be very healthy and beneficial, nah maybe the chance to be REALLY honest with one another. BUT THIS ONLY WORKS IF YOU ARE HONEST WITH YOURSELF, AND YOUR SPOUSE. For us, the lifestyle has made us more honest and torn down walls of fear of hurt or rejection for just being who we are. Play or not, it has been good for us to be able to say we are human animals that have desires and attractions.

 

lady61, the very best in working through this. It sounds as though you are being honest with yourself and wanting to work this through with your husband. The very best to you. You both may find that just a break is in order, or that as others have said, you have other issues with the lifestyle that you both just haven't addressed. Or , you may not want to be in the lifestyle anymore. Whatever you decide, be true to yourself and it is our hope that your hubby will love you are the more for that.

 

the rmrx2's

[Paramour2_99 0]

Lady61, I would think that at some points in your swinging you would've mentioned to him (or displayed to him) that you weren't on the same level as he is with swinging.

 

You are definitely confusing your husband , and yourself for that matter by dancing around the edges of the swinging environment (still wanting to go to clubs) knowing full well he wants to swing and you don't. Is that fair to him?

 

It goes without saying that he shouldn't advocate what you should do with your body - with him let alone with others.

 

Basically, over the past 4 years you've opened up a Pandora's Box that may now be difficult for you to close.

 

Good luck,,,,,,,Sincerely "X" Swinger

[Vespertine 31]

Dito

 

For once, I totally agree with Paramour.

[KittKatt 16]

NO ....YOU DID NOT OPEN A PANDORA"S BOX.....YOU BOTH DID

 

And I am truly sorry that things are uncomfortable for you right now, I sometimes feel as if "I let a child free in a candy store myself" And rather swinging or just sex, it seems he wants it 24/7 now, like it's to be expected!!

And is something we are still working hard at to fix.

But it is a decision we made TOGETHER, as yall did to I assume.

 

Now, when one SO wants to take a break or quit.....IT'S NOT A MUTUAL THING !!! Just do it, and yeah you will have alot of long evenings and discussions, but to offer your body when you don't want to is NOT GOOD

 

I can't believe all the statements about "give it a few more tries " or " your confusing him".....Darlin, just do what you are comfortable with, and keep talking to him along the way, there's no reason you should do anything you don't want to do!!

 

Sure he may be upset, but...you do still want to be connected with swinging, wich sounds to me to that you just want a break, and to play every time you go to a club or go out....OMG I would need it too!!!

 

Whatever you decide, best wishes

 

xoxoxo C

[EvilMJ 65]

I just thought I should clarify that I don't feel you should continue swinging if you don't want to. Just that you should be very clear as to why, so he can understand where you are coming from.

[djjwp 129]

I’m going to take his side for a moment: (Now putting on flame retardant suit)

 

There is an old saying: A woman marries a man expecting him to change and he does not, a man marries a woman expecting her not to change and she does. That being said, I can understand his position in relationship to you. If he is looking at you and you are not the woman he married, he is going to feel betrayed and upset. He married a type of person that you were, not what he is seeing now. He is now forced to change into something he is not because you have been someone that you are not.

 

Some men marry the woman of their dreams determined at face value. As you have been swinging for four years I can understand why is hard to explain that “it’s just not you” to him now. Almost needless to say, you should not swing at all until you get this worked out.

 

Now on your side:

 

He should not be looking at changing how you swing without your input. If you do what you have always done, he may have ground to stand on but if he is trying to crank it up to a higher level, he would now be out of line. The pressure you feel from him now should not exist and it should be stopped.

 

Good luck.

[twoplayful2 16]

new2theswingset, I agree with most of what you said but it still comes down to the simple fact that she can't be made to do what she doesn't want to do when it comes to swinging. If she's just really against it now, that's just the way it is. However, I think that if she's done it this long there's at least a good chance that she's open to the idea of swinging and has had at least *some* fun during the last several years. It just seems to me that it's very possible that this is a problem that can be fixed by good communications, some real effort on sex & romance just between husband and wife, and then maybe coming back as newbies someday with a little different approach to it.

[chastityrings 15]

What it sounds like to me is you've met some people you really like as friends, you just don't want to have sex with them anymore,and if they are really friends the sex won't matter. And hopefully if your husband understands, he won't pressure you into sex with anyone else if you don't want it. Regardless of what he was made to believe in the beginning , if you two are going to get through this he will have to be willing to forgive you and move on, and you are going to have to be honest with him from now on. You shouldn't have agreed to it in the beginning if you weren't comfortable, but you can't change the past, So maybe work on the furure by starting with a clean slate?

[Failed marriage 0]

My spouse and I have been married for 21 years, we joined LS last year.. at first I was all for it.. we would go have fun together.. I was more of the sexual pull out of the two of us and i liked the attention his and the others, but he started looking for his own attention which spread into full blown conversations and the “us” has turned into me being with others for me to look up and he is gone.. I don’t feel we are doing this together anymore and I have stopped all going and communication while my husband says they are his friends and now works for one of the couples. He now stays at their house Monday thru Friday while I stay home with our kids. Sex is not good and he said he just not have the drive with just me.. I think my marriage is over so.. I hope for you it works out

[hunterdonNJcpl 1,383]

this is not an unsusual situation.  it's Ok to give things a try before you decide whether or not you like them, and if your hubby loves swinging but you don't then it's also understandable that you stuck with it for him... but it's not fair to be expected to continue to participate in activities you really don't enjoy.

 

Rule #1 for us (and most ppl we know in the LS) is: Nobody does anything they are uncomfortable with - and that is a non-negotiable rule.

 

But I also understand your husband's feelings.  Marriage is often about compromise. Maybe there is a compromise somewhere in the middle you will both be happy with.

[GoldCoCouple 4,065]

Swinging is and will always be a team sport (something that the two of you do together or not at all). Swinging will make a great relationship even greater but it will also take a weak relationship and destroy it. It magnifies the relationship and will make any cracks bigger. Him working and staying at one of the other couples that you were with is (as you already know) a terrible idea and something that shouldn't have been allowed to happen from the beginning. Does he stay there because of distance or just because? It's time to have a serious sit down talk about this and you might already know what that outcome is. all I can say is that if either of us wanted to stop, we would both stop and never question why or look back. I'm sorry to hear this and hope for the best for you. Please let us know what happens.

[cplnuswing 4,713]

I'm sorry this is where things have ended up :(  Like GCC said, swinging is a magnifier, which can be great, or can be horrible.

 

To me, it seems the heart of the issue here is boundaries. Perhaps not enough of them to start with, and then the ones there were, those got blown past.  I think at this point you need to decide if you are now willing to have any level of swinging in the relationship.

 

If the answer to that is yes, then you need to qualify that yes with what the boundaries are going to be.  Number one is no more basically living with play friends, and then always stay together play together, and so on.  It sounds like there were some good times and good things that you both enjoyed.  You can get back to that if both of you are willing, but it will take both of you.

 

If your answer to that is no, then he has a decision to make.  Even at it's best, swinging is a fleeting thing, not a 24/7 thing.  Hopefully he will realize that.

[54321 18]

Reading between the lines:

 

I'm only a wannabe but I imagine that swinger events aren't like they are in the movies. Like being at any other event, you’ll see people that you find attractive and a lot of people that you don’t. In your dating years, if you didn’t find someone suitable, you’d sensibly call it a night and try again another time but I get the impression that your husband 'has to get laid' and that if he doesn’t, he feels  he’s missed out. You like quality. He likes quantity.

 

In light of this, maybe you can talk it through together.

 

Maybe you two can work on finding more attractive partners for you, be they part of a couple or in MFM or Hotwifing scenarios. Finding a group of attractive swingers who party together more exclusively might help. You and your husband might also enjoy meeting swing friends in non swinging environments.

 

You certainly seem to have an interest in swinging but right now, your individual needs are not being met… yet.

 

Finally, if you were to give up swinging altogether, would you mind if your husband were to be a ’third’ for Hotwifing couples? There are many permutations available. If you love one another and are both enabling each other to have your needs met a happy ending can be achieved.

 

Every good wish,