Daughter found pics!

[TnTCpl 15]

Yikes! My 12 year old daughter found a 3x5 pick with 12 proofs on it in our home office. She handed it to me and I nonchalantly took it and said "thanks" I wanted to die!!!!! I didn't know what to do. When tucking her into bed she asked me if I was a lesbian and I said no. She then says 'well then I dont' know what those pictures are about" I left it at that. I dont feel like I need to give her an explanation especially since none of the pics with me and the other girl showed my face. But I am feeling guilty that I let hubby take the damn pics in the first place and very angry at hubby for being so careless. Any thoughts on this and what should or should not be done?

[JustAskJulie 2,595]

I think you've probably done the right thing. Unless/until she brings up the subject again, you should probably just leave it alone. If/when she brings it up then you will have to decide how much (if anything) to tell her.

[starlinn 17]

There are two things children need. They need to explore their world, but need a comfort zone. When something like that comes up, their first thought is about themselves. It is selfish in their 12 year old way. I wouldn't bring up the subject, but if it does come up, let her know that no matter what you and dad love her, and will always be there for her, and what you do during adult time does not affect her in any way. If she wants further explanation, tell her you will explain when she gets older.

 

I went to the circus recently with my 23 year old daughter. There were a lot of women with nice bodies and very little clothing. I was critiquing them, not realizing what I was doing, until my daughter asked me why was I so into women's bodies. I had to dance around that...and made me realize that I had to be careful. I hope everything works out for you.

[Jamie&Kieth 36]

Here is the scary part, 12 year olds know more than you think you know. MY OPINION, if you lie to them they will get suspicious and perhaps not trust you, if you tell them the truth then it could be more than their world can tolerate.

 

Most important concept to remember is that you & your husband love each of your children and that you trust them and they trust you. Try and feel them out, after all you know your children better than anybody else does.

 

If you feel there is an area of uncertaintity then (MY OPIONION) you must tell them the truth. Most important tell them about your love for each other and your family.

 

My daughter caught me in the "act" with two other women when she was 15, she knows both of them and was pretty upset about the whole situation. It took a lot of talking & explaining, she finally came around. Recently, before she left for college 10 days ago she ask me about it, her question/statement was "you know mom, if you didn't lie about it and cover up the truth about your and dad's relationship, I could handle that a lot easier than the covering up and telling the "white lies", I'm not stupid" ... pretty much what she said to me.

 

So be please be careful and do not blame your husband.

[lovedoctor 15]

Gosh, that is a tough bind to find yourself in.

 

It's hard to know what is the right thing to do, because it's inevitable that it change your relationship with your daughter somewhat at a vulnerable time in her development. Kids ARE selfish and really can't see their parents as sexual beings - their worlds revolve around them - and you are their parent(s)!

 

I guess I would just try to be as aware as I could about any vibes or unspoken questions coming from her and agree that it is best to be as honest as you can in the context of her ability to comprehend. She is probably still a little concrete in her thinking and this might rock her world a little bit.

 

Whatever happens, just go easy on your self and your hubby. You guys are just human, you love each other, and what you do is not wrong - it's just different than a lot of her friends parents (or is it??)

 

Good luck and let us know how it's going...

[AlanCatherine 18]

It's a very vicious circle isn't it? You "protect" your kids from knowledge about what happens in the real world and they develop this "belief" that you are non-sexual beings. So when they discover that you really DO have sex, it shocks them. Why on earth doesn't everyone just tell their kids straight from the word "go"? What is the fear of them learning at this age instead of that age? I have heard of too many "sheltered" children who end up pregnant at 12 or 13 because they simply didn't know.

 

My advice on this is to simply tell your daughter the whole story. Not necessarily in minute detail but educate her. Tell her how YOU feel about it. If you don't, she will develop her own ideas and you have absolutely no control over that. So you could at least put her straight in that respect. Right now she doesn't know what to think which should not be construed as meaning that she doesn't think anything at all. She does think. But without your input, you have no idea where her thoughts are going. She saw the pictures. You can't change that. You can only change what she knows.

[Sweet_Candy 54]

Our oldest has asked us why we were looking at other couple's pictures and we told him we enjoy making friends with other married couples and left it at that. His response has been to ignore it when he sees us looking at ads. We don't want to hide anything from them but we do keep it simple. For those of you wondering we don't show graphic images to them...our request from others is their pics be g-rated.

[HotMoCpl 20]

There is a very good book titled, "Just For You". I think you should read it very soon. I'm not kidding. All of my "12 year olds" are over thirty now and I wish I had read that book before the turned 12. Its amazing what a guy can learn after he turns 50. Good luck.

[TnTCpl 15]

Thank you everyone for the advice. Our daughter hasn't mentioned it again and is acting completly normal. So I am just going to leave it alone unless she brings it up again. I did make it perfectly clear to hubby that if he wants to continue taking pics he has to be more careful and keep all the pics locked up, he at first said she shouldn't have been in the office to begin with and I pointed out that she was just getting some paper and it could have been anyone (babysitter, my parents, etc.) that found the pics. He agreed and apologized. If she were older I would have had no problem explaining things to her, but she is at a difficult age.

 

You guys really helped put all this into perspective for me! We are still new to this lifestyle and its great to have a place to get some insight from some wonderful people who have been there and done that. Thanks again!

[Chicup 42]

he at first said she shouldn't have been in the office to begin with and I pointed out that she was just getting some paper and it could have been anyone (babysitter, my parents, etc.) that found the pics.

 

Hehe I don't know a child who has not looked in those places they knew they shouldn't so even if it was innocent this time, next time she might be actively looking.

 

I say DESTROY all the pictures, or they WILL be found sooner or later. My wife knew where all her fathers playboy/penthouses, their porn, and her mothers dildo was. I knew where my fathers shotgun was, and later found their marital aids so to speak. She will not ever forget asking if you were a lesbian and as she gets older she is going to want to find out for sure.

 

(Also my parents toys were locked up and I still found them)

[intuition897 2,179]

Chicup, that's pretty damn scary! My own toys are under lock and key, but I guess I shouldn't underestimate my kids' resourcefulness.

 

We had an awful moment one time, not with the kids, but with my sister and brother-in-law. Luckily the kids were at the sitter's. We were all out to dinner one night and we decided to head back to our house for a few beers. Mr. and I had to get our car, so we gave them the house key and said to go on ahead of us. After we walked halfway to our car, Mr. asked, "Did you shut off the profile on the computer?" Our eyes both widened, when I realized what was about to happen. See, our computer at that time was at the computer desk in the kitchen...visible from the front door. So we literally ran to the car and raced to get ahead of them. Of course, my BIL thought Mr. was playing around and so kept pace with us even after we had passed them. Finally got to the house and ran ahead to get in ahead of them (they must've thought I was nuts), and lo and behold there was my naked butt in all its glory plain as day on the computer screen. Talk about your close calls.

[couple_ps 15]

Kids always find a way to find things they were not suppose to find. When I was a kid, I knew where the porn magazines of my uncle was even though it was not my house.

 

intuition897: you do have a nice butt by the way :-)

[dxfan69 15]

one way to take care of the pics so they can't be found is scan them with a scanner and burn them to a disk and keep the disk in a secure space until you want to look at them. then you can destroy the pics and negatives so it wouldn't happen again. have you thought about a digital camera? that way the your pics are safe and agian it can go on the same disk you have any other pics already burned to it. this is a tough situation that i don't look forward to having with my kids when they get old enough or find something by accident either.

[lovefest04 701]

"and lo and behold there was my naked butt in all its glory plain as day on the computer screen."

 

intuition897, I'd love to see you naked butt any day of the week. You robbed your BIL of what could have been a highpoint in his year.

 

Back to the problem at hand.

 

I think everyone gave great advise re the 12 year old and how to handle it.

 

But, no one seemed to provide guidance when it came to her husband.

 

My wife would have hung me by my balls and spanked me until I yelled Uncle. She's often scolded me about pics on the computer etc, but to have our children find some.

 

Of course, for all I know your husband might enjoy it.

[SoulmatesNky 15]

On the digitalizing idea of the photos... that is a great idea, but I would suggest to take it one step further and use a program to put a password on the files so they can not be opened. A lot of simple programs have this capability, such as Winzip. Winzip will allow you to put a password on any ziped file so that it must be supplied to see the file, but they will be able to see the names of the pics so be careful (I can just see... "erotic-wife with Mary using toy" filename to really get them thinking lol) I do not believe that the typical child will spend the time to 'hack' passwords or find the cracks to get around them.

 

I have also put in a lot of thought of protecting my home PC from inadvertantly revealing me to any other user... especially when my wife allowed a college girl to use ours when nothing was protected!!! I swear this young lady always is smiling at us!!!! e-gads!!!! It really is surprising what you can find out about a person's interests when you have time to play with their computer and know where to look.

 

But to the issue of the 12-year old and the photos. The fact that she handed the photo's to you is an important move. That really took some courage... after all, she could have pretended to not see them, but she didn't. Your embarrassment aside and your desire for avoidance will just allow her young mind to embellish the situation far beyond the reality. Does she even know that her father took the pictures? Is he in them? She could be feeling that she is burdened with a secret against her father! No, because she handed them to you, you need to broach the subject. She basically put it in your court by handing the photos to you, after all, they upset her enough for her to confront you about them and she should not have to live with the burden that has been placed on her. She is likely believing their is infidelity going on and divorce is looming.

 

It really is not her business what you do behind closed doors, however, I really agree with STARLINN above. She needs reassurance that all is o.k. I do not believe you should be blunt and all-telling, since she can not and should not be exposed to the extreme eye-popping sexuality world. So using 'shallow'-truths she needs to be reassured about her mother's sexuality, her parent's marriage, and her future.

 

Good Luck... Soulmates

[AdventurousTxM 19]

Of course your daughter isn't going to mention it anymore. Who would confront their mother about the possibility of her being a lesbian. By not saying anything more to your daughter, you are avoiding the issue and not helping her. Don't think she has forgotten about it. She hasn't, but a 12 year old isn't going to approach you about something so sensitive. It may be more comfortable for you, but as has been said, it will only make her imagine things that may not be true. Also, if you don't discuss it with her, she is more likely to confide in a girl friend, who may then tell her mother. Once that happens, the gossip can be devastating. When you try to hide something that has been discovered (pictures don't lie), you also risk that your daughter will eventually act out her insecurities over this which can lead to more problems. Although everyone on this board is very well intentioned, I'd go talk to a therapist to get some advice from a professional who can guide you on how to approach your daughter and what to say. Remember, you can change this from a difficult experience for both of you to one in which your daughter regains trust in you and feels that she can talk to you about anything. Tell her that you and her Dad are very much in love, that your family is secure and that what she saw will never change the fact that you both love her very, very much. And best of luck.

[Jamie&Kieth 36]

See a therepist ... WOW this is getting very serious, glad to know you know kids better than parents

[WildMiCouple 325]

By not saying anything more to your daughter, you are avoiding the issue and not helping her. Don't think she has forgotten about it. She hasn't, but a 12 year old isn't going to approach you about something so sensitive. It may be more comfortable for you, but as has been said, it will only make her imagine things that may not be true. Also, if you don't discuss it with her, she is more likely to confide in a girl friend, who may then tell her mother. Once that happens, the gossip can be devastating. When you try to hide something that has been discovered (pictures don't lie), you also risk that your daughter will eventually act out her insecurities over this which can lead to more problems. Although everyone on this board is very well intentioned, I'd go talk to a therapist to get some advice from a professional who can guide you on how to approach your daughter and what to say.

I'm just a dad who's got two teenage girls....but I gotta say, taking this to the point of a therapist is kinda extreme. Just reassure her that you and hubby really love each other. Let her see your love for her dad, and his love for you.....and she'll be fine.

 

Brett (and Tammy)

[AdventurousTxM 19]

Irrespective of whether the parents choose to see a therapist, I think they should, together, speak to their daughter and reassure her about their relationship and their love for her. To say nothing could lead to bigger issues down the road. I think everyone who has posted (including her parents) are genuinely concerned for the well being of their daughter. Hopefully, everything will work out for everyone concerned.

[SoulmatesNky 15]

Well, on the therapist issue... I tend to agree with AdventurousTx about the therapist idea. His actual comment was that it might be a good idea to involve a therapist in getting advice on how to approach the teenage girl. A therapist can prepare you on how to react to the child's inquiries. No one should really slight this idea since it is aquivalent to suggesting getting a trained mechanic to help diagnose a car problem. The reaction of JamieandKeith is very mainstream and understandable. We tend to view therapist and psychiatrists as 'extreme measures' to be used only when mental issues disturb life or only for those people who walk around waving their arms while shouting at an invisible Harry Truman.

 

Our society has a very distorted view of these professions and the idea of approaching one is scary to the average swinger. But that doesn't change the fact that they are the closest we have to professionals in relations to Mental Health and Development. I have a different view of the profession because I personally know 8 therapists and 2 psychiatrists (not including my mother) and therefore do not share the popular view of them. I find them very insightful individuals. There are a lot of free services if money is an issue and you always can choose a professional in another town to help protect identity. Any local crisis line can point the way to a family therapist working for a non-profit organization.

 

I am not discounting the knowledge of parents with their children. However, it takes nothing but the ability to screw to become a parent (look at these 15 year olds having children) just look at the worse of the worse to prove this point... 90% of the 860,000 cases of sexual abuse reported in 2000 were caused by a parent (sad to say that statistic is from memory from my rape crisis advocacy training).

 

The overriding point, this teenage girl needs to understand what is going on. We all had unspoken things with our parents i.e. sexual details that exist but is not spoken about. But this situation is not one I would leave as an unspoken item. My mother knew I masterbated.... she respected my space and except for some well chosen words about the evils of porn in general, she left me alone and indirectly through offhand comments helped me understand that it was normal and not damning. We cannot say this about the current issue relating to the teenage daughter. 1.) her mother is in sexual pictures 2.) The sexuality wasn't with her father 3.) the pictures involved 'lesbianic acts.' She quite likely has been shaken to the core and it could be testing her coping ability. Granted, we do not know how sheltered she is but we can be sure that this situation could really effect her psychosexual development. Bluntly, this is important. If left in a unspoken arena it can fester and cause her damage, or it may do nothing more but make her withdrawal from a mother she doesn't exactly trust or understand anymore.

 

I have been putting this situation to a lot of thought lately since I have three children of my own. Bottom line, I believe you should be preparing yourself to talking with the child in a neutral, comfortable area about this issue. Listening would be the key and really encourage her to ask questions.

 

Good Luck, Soulmates

[clutch 28]

It's a very vicious circle isn't it? You "protect" your kids from knowledge about what happens in the real world and they develop this "belief" that you are non-sexual beings. So when they discover that you really DO have sex, it shocks them. Why on earth doesn't everyone just tell their kids straight from the word "go"? What is the fear of them learning at this age instead of that age? I have heard of too many "sheltered" children who end up pregnant at 12 or 13 because they simply didn't know.

 

My advice on this is to simply tell your daughter the whole story. Not necessarily in minute detail but educate her. Tell her how YOU feel about it. If you don't, she will develop her own ideas and you have absolutely no control over that. So you could at least put her straight in that respect. Right now she doesn't know what to think which should not be construed as meaning that she doesn't think anything at all. She does think. But without your input, you have no idea where her thoughts are going. She saw the pictures. You can't change that. You can only change what she knows.

 

In principle, but not practice, I go along with Alan and Catherine. We have some friends (non-swingers--at least not with us) who's oldest son has just come into puberty. They have a wonderfully open relationship (both mom and dad) with their son about sexuality. He literally calls them to his room to show them his ever-changing new pubescent "developments." There is no shame on either side. (Nor is there any reason for there to be shame on either side).

 

His parents indicated to us that while they are encouraging him otherwise, they have every expectation that he is very close to having his first sex. They're simply trying to prepare him for it.

 

Like I said, I'm not really too sure whether this couple swings or not--given their pasts, it's entirely possible that they have a favorite couple or two--and they are very involved in their church...

 

We did not raise our kids this way--we ran (and sadly still do run) the ole double standard. I really like and envy the sexually healthy relationship our friends actually live and teach by example.

[CA91709 15]

Oh heavens, THAT had to be rough!

 

My wife and I always have a rule that We've used over the years with `pics'.

 

1. NEVER shoot above the neck.

 

2. NEVER shoot pics in the house, Hotel background shots only.

 

It is to late now, but maybe this advice may help someone else.

[Guest hammerit12]

THIS JUST HAPPENED TO ME YESTERDAY!! Only my son was using my husband's OLD computer. We needed to pop over to my name to change a setting for their name and low and behold, there is a girl with bra and panties just spread open. Yep, me, thank god it was no face on it!! I about fell over, he was like who is that. I was like, that is what happens when you don't have parental controls, people send stuff that you accidentally get. That was that. He is 11, but it just scared the crap out of me. I have a mental note to clear out all the stuff off that stupid computer. Yikes.

[lovedoctor 15]

Close call for you!

[Pastor 15]

I found this thread searching the work EXPLAIN.

 

I am fearful of my wife's swinging affairs becoming known to my adult children, firends and family.

 

My wife has occasional affairs, and tries to keep them secret, but my wife is not a good keeper of secrets.

 

So I searched Children and Explain and Explaining. Perahps I would not be as fearful of discovery of my wife's swinging, if I had a better explanation for her stepping out, and my not making a big deal about it.

 

My wife has a short range for mental planning, and our marriage has lasted a long time, but my wife takes it day by day. So I am struggling with my own mental health, and attempting to handle it. I am now thinking of formulating some explanations, other than just denial.

[Pastor 15]

Dad Forumlating Responses:

 

 

Adult Son: Dad, did you ever think that mom might be fooling around with any other man?

 

DAD: Your mom is sort of a closet swinger. She tries to keep her indiscretions secret, so if you could avoid letting her, or anyone else know that you suspect her, things would probably go smoother. Also, I am somewhat ashamed of not taking a strong positon on the issue of fidelity, so I would appreciate your keeping the secret for my respect and honor also. Most all families have some secrets. Some families keep secrets better than others. Let's just do the best we can. The best way to keep something unorthodox secret, is to avoid doing rebellious activities. If you ever need to talk about it again, I would prefer you catch me in private.

 

 

FRIEND: Did you ever think that your wife might be fooling around on you with another man?

 

PASTOR: My wife does seem to have some propensity for saying YES more than she should. I try to keep things within limits. My wife tries to keep things secret. I would appreciate it if you would speak to me, if you have any questions. To the extent you can avoid mention my wife's indiscretions to others, it would help protect her reputation. My wife does try to keep up her reputation with friends and family. Did you have an ideas for increasing fidelity in a marriage?

 

Ideas?

[intuition897 2,179]

OMG. I just read Pastor's post and developed a headache.

[EvilMJ 65]

OMG. I just read Pastor's post and developed a headache.

 

That makes two of us..!!

[Vespertine 31]

Oh for the love of GOD.

 

I have a headache now too.