Who would swing with me?

[curious24 17]

So I have been a member of the forums for about 4 years now but I have been coming to the site for 7 years. It took me 3 years to join. Obviously if I have been coming to the site for so long swinging has been something that has interests me and intriged me. (background info I'm 28 single guy)

 

During this time I met one person in Portland when I was there for a conference. It was a nice meeting just a couple drinks and that was it. Very nice and comfortable. Then I had the opportunity to meet another couple but unfortunately I didn't get to meet them (probably my fault even though I did get a hold of them the next day).

 

I've seen people come and go here. Talked to a few and the few I have talked to have been great people! I mostly hang out in the chat room here and just chat with people. Sometimes people come in that haven't been on in years. Other times I try and welcome new people.

 

Even during this time I've dated women. Decided I hate the dating scene and would rather just play it by ear. I've actually joined a few swinger sites looking for that ideal couple that would welcome a single guy like me in their lives. I've even chatted with a few via email on those sites with a few couples. Most are too far away to even meet but are still nice people to talk to.

 

I've always had the out look that if I ever have an experience great! If not no biggie. I still have that out look but I've started to wonder why I haven't had an experience? I was chatting with a nice lady in the chat room a few weeks ago and she said it was "sad" that I have been curious about the lifestyle for so many years and I haven't had an experience. I didn't take any offense to what she said I was more curious as to why she thought it was "sad." She didn't really say much but she didn't have too. It's pretty obvious.

 

So those that know me (which is probably pretty few on here), those who have just read this message, and those who for some strange reason want to get to know more about me answer me this: any ideas on why I haven't had an experience yet? hm. Maybe it's me? Maybe it's something I just don't have a clue about.

 

Thanks for any replies.

[JustAskJulie 2,595]

Because this site isn't about hooking up, it's about sharing experiences and information. That would be the #1 reason why you haven't "hooked up" with anyone from this site. If your goal is to find people to swing with then you need to go where people are looking, personal ad sites and swinger clubs being the top choices.

 

So, you are one of the few single guys who have been actively involved in this forum over a long period of time but I have to say that in that period of time I don't feel that I've gotten to know you or even gotten enough of a feeling for you to know if I'd want to get to know you. All I know about you is that you want to swing. Yes, there have been hook-ups with these forums and yes people from within the forums have been IRL friends but it all started with simply getting to know each other and get a feel for who they were here, that involves more than just posts about swinging, it involves sharing thoughts, interests and experiences from other realms as well.

 

The reason so few single guys stay involved here is for that reason, they come here and only post to the singles forum only when they have something to say about swinging (usually to whine about how things aren't working out for them), but they don't stop to get involved elsewhere. I'll say this the two single guys that I can name from this site (and I've been here the entire time it's been around) are EternallySingle and CuriousAgain - why? Because they took the time to really get involved and allow myself and other users of the forums to really get to know them for who they really are. These are the guys that most of the people you will find on this forum will want to swing with, guys that we've gotten to know and that we feel comfortable with, guys who don't give off the vibe of they are just here because they want another (hopefully easier) way to get laid.

[Spoomonkey 421]

I agree with Julie. IF things have ever happened in the way of a hook up here, it has happened largely because of the friendships built here. It is very much UNLIKE the swinging world, in general - a fact that some seem to bemoan. Here, you get to know people, and then when you meet them, there is this level of comfort that already exists. That may not manifest itself in a "hook up", but it does manifest itself in a friendship and in a sense of familiarity and comfort that makes lots of things possible.

 

For swinging experiences, this is the worst place to look. Clubs, the net, anywhere is better. The experiences we've had here have been more about friendship and common interests than about "swinging". If those friendships, comforts and common interests ever led to more intimate fun, cool beans! But if not, so be it. What this board does offer is worth sticking around for

 

Spoomonkey

[dayhiker 83]

Hi curious24,

Good to see you man. I too found it sad as I chatted with you for a couple of years that you hadn't found anyone to hook up with. I can't say that I ever had a reason in my mind as two why you didn't. best I can do from a guys point of view is that you came across as a brother to the girls and not as a sexy guy. I was almost 28 when I got married. At 25 I wanted to get a wife. I took a more aggressive approach, went to where the type of girls was I wan't to marriage (Bible college) and started talking to ever girl I could. I kept a list of girls in my head I was interested in. It wasn't too long ebfore a great girl was also interested in me. Neither her or I have ever looked back. Its been 25 yrs.

So 24, I hope my experiance can help you. You know swinging works best if your married. If I were you, I'd go talk to a lot of women. In the talking reveal yourself to them. You are a good guy. There are ladies that will want to be with you.

So I say go for it.

 

dayhiker

[LikeMinds321 1,527]

When I read curious24's post, I didn't feel he was asking why he had not been able to hook up with people from the Swingers Board. I feel he is sharing his history here, as well as a general overview of his swinger involvement other places, i.e., swinger ad sites, chat rooms, meeting other swingers that didn't lead to playing.

 

I think dayhiker might have the best answer, since he got to know you through the chatroom.

 

If you have difficulty with vanilla dating, for whatever reason, those same reasons are likely to get in the way of swinging.

 

Maybe there are things about you that we cannot, and will not, ever know that have kept swinging out of your life.

 

LM

[northindycpl 32]

LM hit the nail on the head. As far meeting people and dating in swinging is really no different then doing in vertically.

 

Point, I read you mention all the chats and sites you have gone to, but not the Clubs you visit or the socials you attend. Are those things included in your quest for experience too?

 

We are activiely seeking single men, but to be honest, you aren't going to find me spending time chatting online or looking through personal ads. I am (and we are) a more an "in the now" kinda couple.

 

I am sure that some clubs in your area let in single men. Go on a saturday night and get to know people.

[Vespertine 31]

I agree with the other posters. If you're having trouble dating vanilla style, then swinging is going to be even more difficult for you.

 

I'd suggest going to swing clubs, socials and meet and greets. Get to know swingers in your area. I think it would be more difficult trying to meet couples/women online. There's just too many single guys on the net offering and too few couples/women looking.

 

It would be best if you could meet people face-to-face, to let them get a chance to know you. That's your best bet.

[JnCC 24]

Who would swing with me?

There have been numerous posts in here referring to the "Many (one guy said thousands) of couples who are looking for single men" My advice would be to go back and find some of those original posters, and ask them for referrals to some of those "many" couples.

 

The reason I'm suggesting this is simple...You've joined several swinger sites but apparently haven't connected with anybody from any of them. You've been in the chat rooms but about the only response you've generated is from one woman who found you "sad." You've dated in the vanilla world for 7 years and haven't found anybody who was interested in pursuing this with you.

 

And now, you've decided you don't want to date at all...

 

Yep, I think your best chance is to find some couple that will drive to your town, walk up your driveway, ring your doorbell, come inside and fuck your brains out BEFORE they get a chance to know you. In fact, given your history, I think it's your ONLY chance.

answer me this: any ideas on why I haven't had an experience yet? hm. Maybe it's me? Maybe it's something I just don't have a clue about.

Wellll...I'm glad you said it and not me...

[JustAskJulie 2,595]

 

Yep, I think your best chance is to find some couple that will drive to your town, walk up your driveway, ring your doorbell, come inside and fuck your brains out BEFORE they get a chance to know you. In fact, given your history, I think it's your ONLY chance.

Wellll...I'm glad you said it and not me...

 

Sorry JNCC I forgot to mention you in my earlier short list of guys who I do actually remember even when I'm not reading a post from them - ie. I feel like I've gotten to know you a bit beyond whatever swinging experience you may have - to be honest I feel like I've gotten to know your personality better than I know of any swinging experience you may have had (which, IMO, is the way it should be).

 

That said, I quoted the above because it reminded me of an email I got recently from a guy that read something like ..... "I'm shy. How do I get women to come up to me and rip my clothes off and fuck my brains out".

 

My response was something along the lines of... "You don't, sorry to dissapoint you". Too many (especially single guys) come into swinging with this vision created by Penthouse Stories, a version of reality that doesn't really exist. "Dear Penthouse I never thought this would happen to me....".

 

Do crazy things like that happen? Yeah, occasionally, I am reminded of one very lucky bartender several of my friends and I.... nevermind. But, again it came down to the guy, he was fun, he was cute - hell he looked like a 21yr old Ricky Schroeder - we got to live out our Silver Spoons fantasies...lol. But, I doubt seriously that ANY SOBER woman has ever walked up to a man she didn't know and hadn't spent some time talking to and ripped his clothes off, jumped on top of him, and screwed his brains out.

[curious24 17]

But, I doubt seriously that ANY SOBER woman has ever walked up to a man she didn't know and hadn't spent some time talking to and ripped his clothes off, jumped on top of him, and screwed his brains out.

Unless you're Mr. SpoonMonkey. hehe..

 

Now for the rest of the message. First off thanks to everyone for repling. I really do appreciate it. I know I don't post much as I don't like to post the same questions over and over and seeing how in the past 7 years I've asked a lot of the questions that I have wanted to ask. I digress.

 

Because this site isn't about hooking up, it's about sharing experiences and information. That would be the #1 reason why you haven't "hooked up" with anyone from this site. If your goal is to find people to swing with then you need to go where people are looking, personal ad sites and swinger clubs being the top choices.

I don't and I haven't ever used this site to hook up with anyone. I've never even posted a personal ad here. I think this site is a great resource for information and very welcoming people who answer honestly to people who have questions and are trying to explore things they may or may not be comfortable with. That's what keeping me coming back day in and day out.

 

I'll say this the two single guys that I can name from this site (and I've been here the entire time it's been around) are EternallySingle and CuriousAgain - why?

You are totally right! They are awesome and they bring a point of view that I could never even think of. Most of the time they beat me to the punch anyway as I can't be online during the day and only during the night.

 

At 25 I wanted to get a wife. I took a more aggressive approach, went to where the type of girls was I wan't to marriage (Bible college) and started talking to ever girl I could. I kept a list of girls in my head I was interested in. It wasn't too long ebfore a great girl was also interested in me. Neither her or I have ever looked back. Its been 25 yrs.

Howdy, dayhiker! It has been a long time since I've seen you around. I try this all the time. Granted it's not at Bible college. But it seems that any time I approach a woman they think I'm some sort of stalker guy. ugh. It's tough enough to meet people in general but then you add this on top of meeting a woman and it's damn near impossible because they don't give you a chance even before you say a word to them. ugh.

 

When I read curious24's post, I didn't feel he was asking why he had not been able to hook up with people from the Swingers Board. I feel he is sharing his history here, as well as a general overview of his swinger involvement other places, i.e., swinger ad sites, chat rooms, meeting other swingers that didn't lead to playing.

Yep that pretty much the reasoning for my post.

 

I think dayhiker might have the best answer, since he got to know you through the chatroom.

 

If you have difficulty with vanilla dating, for whatever reason, those same reasons are likely to get in the way of swinging.

 

Maybe there are things about you that we cannot, and will not, ever know that have kept swinging out of your life.

It's just so frustrating some times. I do a ton of stuff all the time. Granted they are usually by myself (I won't go into reasons why). It's just really hard to meet people even just to hang out with. I really don't get it b/c I had a ton of friends when I was in school and now. Yeah. hm.

 

Point, I read you mention all the chats and sites you have gone to, but not the Clubs you visit or the socials you attend. Are those things included in your quest for experience too?

 

I'd suggest going to swing clubs, socials and meet and greets. Get to know swingers in your area. I think it would be more difficult trying to meet couples/women online. There's just too many single guys on the net offering and too few couples/women looking.

 

It would be best if you could meet people face-to-face, to let them get a chance to know you. That's your best bet.

To answer both northindycpl and Verspertine... I don't go to clubs around here because they usually don't allow single guys and they are just too expensive to get in whenever they do allow single men. When online at personal sites I've seen a lot of listings for socials for swingers to attend to get to know one another etc. Every single one I have sent a message to the organizers to see if single males where welcome. Every single one has been no it's only for couples and single women. *shrug* Not much I can do about that. I do agree with you that meeting face-to-face would be the best thing but when no one wants to meet you it's kind of hard.

 

Yep, I think your best chance is to find some couple that will drive to your town, walk up your driveway, ring your doorbell, come inside and fuck your brains out BEFORE they get a chance to know you. In fact, given your history, I think it's your ONLY chance.

This was really funny! Thanks. hehe. But I have given up on traditional dating. You know seeing someone asking them out on an offical date etc. I'm taking the route now of just hanging out and if something happens great! If not there's really not much I can do about it. I think I'm at the point of I don't really care anymore because the dates that I have been on have just been hell so forget that. New approach. Although your story is the best thing ever! haha.

 

Thanks again for all the replies. It really does mean a lot to mean reinforces the reasons why I like this forum so much!

[JnCC 24]

I have given up on traditional dating.... I'm taking the route now of just hanging out and if something happens great! If not there's really not much I can do about it. I think I'm at the point of I don't really care anymore because the dates that I have been on have just been hell so forget that.

First, let me apologize. My response to your post was a little smart-alecky, the result of a long days effort following a short nights rest.

 

I'm a little concerned that you've "given up on dating" because it's such a fundamental building-block of connecting with other people intimately. If you ever expect to undertake an intimate relationship with another person, whether it's with a woman, a couple, a man, or whatever...not only are you first going to have to "date" them...you're going to have to learn to do it well.

 

"Learning to do it well" takes practice. And as your coach probably told you, "If you don't make the practice, you're not going to be in the game, period."

 

You already know how difficult it is to break into swinging as a single male. Why you would further handicap yourself by not taking the effort to practice your social skills is beyond me.

 

True, every now and then some poor, down on his luck, "woe is me" guy gets thrown a "mercy fuck" by some woman who has nothing better to do. But I've never, ever, EVER known that to happen in swinging. "Being pitiful" is an extremely unattractive quality in a grown man, and swingers always "have something (or someone) better to do."

 

OK, time for another famous JnCC analogy -

 

I have a friend who used to apply for every single job in our field that came along. (Typically, the interview process involves one day of air travel, 2 days of testing and board interviews, and another day of travel home) Most of the interviews were with companies he had absolutely NO intention of accepting a position with. I asked him why he wasted 4 days of his time and 2 of theirs interviewing for jobs he didn't want, and he said...

 

"Because some day I'll be interviewing for a job I DO want. When that day occurs, I want to be as relaxed and composed as possible, and have answers ready for anything they can possibly throw at me. These interviews are great practice for that day"

 

(BTW, "that day" did come, and he was hired over 10 other applicants, most of whom were better qualified on paper than he was)

 

May I suggest you approach vanilla dating with the same attitude? Don't do it because you like the process...do it because you like the results. Practice the art of conversation. Get good at reading body language and making people comfortable in uncomfortable situations. Learn to flirt. Become adept at ordering food and drink at the better restaurants in your community. Because some day, out of the clear-freakin' blue, you may get an e-mail that begins...

 

"My husband and I noticed your profile, and we were wondering..."

[DBL D 120]

Well, I've chatted with you too, pal and I wish you good luck. You have a good head but need a little confidence in yourself.

 

Remember...Practice makes Perfect.

 

Even though the clubs are expensive, it may be worth saving up to go so you will know if you are in your element or not.

 

Male D

[TNT 1,155]

Well Curious, I think that JnCC hit the nail on the head in his last post.

 

Attitude is all in your first impression. Even if you have a great ad, we have contacted you and arranged a meeting, and here we are, having a drink together and getting to know one another. If you are lacking in the basic social skills it just isn't going to happen. The most unappealing thing to us in anyone is a neediness or desperation. It's possibly what makes the singles you've met worry about stalking.

 

Self confidence and a sense of self worth are very appealing. Not only to couples but single women as well.

 

Once you are comfortable with yourself, others will be too.

 

TNT

[Spoomonkey 421]

Unless you're Mr. SpoonMonkey. hehe..

 

To be fair, she wasn't totally sober

 

Spoomonkey

[JustAskJulie 2,595]

Anything that is worth having , is worth working for.

[DBL D 120]

To be fair, she wasn't totally sober

 

Spoomonkey

 

She must've been color blind too, you unmitigated piece of...Oh that's another thread.

 

Male D

[JustAskJulie 2,595]

She was probably confused, too, because he was wearing a skirt. She probably thought she was jumping another woman - you know how us women tend to do that to each other when we are drinking.

[Spoomonkey 421]

She was probably confused, too, because he was wearing a skirt. She probably thought she was jumping another woman - you know how us women tend to do that to each other when we are drinking.

 

Really... Note to self... Buy another skirt I have to admit, I am not one bit bothered by being the victim of a lesbian/bisexual lapse of discernment. Drunk, confused, out of meds... Whatever works. Come on, guys - I'm a chimp for christ's sake...

 

And, Male D... You just wait until I find out what "unmitigated" means...

 

Spoomonkey

[curiousagain 326]

Curious, much like practice interviews so to speak. Take female friends out just as friends. It's a no pressure way to try a new restaurant, bar, movie theatre. You can practice all the little things and have a friendly critiquer right there.

[JustAskJulie 2,595]

Plus, guys always (and don't ask me why) look more attractive when they are with another girl - especially a female friend, or sister. There are actually businesses that have been created around this idea, where they provide Wing Women for guys, basically girls to go out with you as just friends and help you pick up women.

[curiousagain 326]

Plus, they see how you act in public, help "improve" you as women always want to do and they have female friends, sisters, cousins, etc. If you are seen as "a catch" guess who gets first heads up when their buddies are in need of a date??

 

Word of mouth, you can't buy advertising like that. Combine it with the "insider trading" of them fixing you up with their buddies and the word networking takes on a whole new meaning.

[curious24 17]

I have a friend who used to apply for every single job in our field that came along. (Typically, the interview process involves one day of air travel, 2 days of testing and board interviews, and another day of travel home) Most of the interviews were with companies he had absolutely NO intention of accepting a position with. I asked him why he wasted 4 days of his time and 2 of theirs interviewing for jobs he didn't want, and he said...

 

"Because some day I'll be interviewing for a job I DO want. When that day occurs, I want to be as relaxed and composed as possible, and have answers ready for anything they can possibly throw at me. These interviews are great practice for that day"

 

(BTW, "that day" did come, and he was hired over 10 other applicants, most of whom were better qualified on paper than he was)

I remembered about this thread and read it once again. It's amazing to reread it and know what all I have forgotten about it. I did remember this though and it really does work.

 

I hated my job and I think that's part of the reason why I wasn't fun to be around and kind of a downer for many years. Well I started to apply for everything just like you suggested and went on a TON of interviews. During that time I really polished up on my skills and got so sick of my job I decided I was at a point in my life where I could support myself without the crappy job I had. Therefore, I took a risk and quit!

 

Quitting was the best thing I ever did! My family and friends all said they could tell and see a great change in my personality. It amazed me how much my horrible job affected my whole life.

 

At any rate, I was out of a job less than two months. When that awesome job I wanted came around I had been on many interviews and just about everyone one I went too I was getting offers. I turned down many I got so good at it. However, I finally caught a break and got an interview with a company I REALLY wanted to be with. Low and behold I went in a little nervous but after the first 5 minutes I calmed down and went to town.

 

One thing I found is that being honest and telling the potential empolyer exactly what you want to do and not to do, what you are expecting from them, what your career goals are, and just laying it all out there is the best way to get their attention. Then combine that with real experience and stories from previous jobs to back it up really comes off great. One story I told when they asked me what my biggest professional disappointment was I think I shocked them with how honest I was at least my parents couldn't believe the story I told them.

 

Anyway, one thing this experience has taught me is that being very honest and forth coming about what you are looking for and being agressive (not too agressive though) will get you what you want. Now I'm meeting a ton of new people! Something that I haven't been in a place to do since college. In fact in my first 5 days at my new job I met a cool woman and asked her out. She had a b/f but seemed to be flattered that I even asked.

 

I'm going to keep churning away at both "dating" and the lifestyle and see what happens. I'm just really excited that I'm really happy with what's going on and my confidance in myself has really shot through the roof lately and I think that's going to help me in all aspects of my life.

 

So I wanted to thank you all for taking the time to reply to my original message. I am taking the advice that you all have given me to heart and it's really paying off. So thank you all!

[RnLinohio 17]

This is a quote from CURios24:

 

I don't go to clubs around here because they usually don't allow single guys and they are just too expensive to get in whenever they do allow single men. When online at personal sites I've seen a lot of listings for socials for swingers to attend to get to know one another etc. Every single one I have sent a message to the organizers to see if single males where welcome. Every single one has been no it's only for couples and single women. *shrug* Not much I can do about that. I do agree with you that meeting face-to-face would be the best thing but when no one wants to meet you it's kind of hard.

 

But I have given up on traditional dating. You know seeing someone asking them out on an offical date etc. I'm taking the route now of just hanging out and if something happens great! If not there's really not much I can do about it. I think I'm at the point of I don't really care anymore because the dates that I have been on have just been hell so forget that. New approach. Although your story is the best thing ever! haha.

 

 

 

 

 

Wow! you left yourself a lot of options Club to expensive, given up on traditional dating Surrender . Have you checked on your ad. see how it's worded........pics. on it? To me your not even trying, or people not intrested in you. Just a simple chat online is not the only way on how to meet someone.

[Dynamar 246]

Congrats curious24!!! Thanks for sharing.

[davephx 32]

Maybe the reason it is so hard for single guys is because by tradition and definition swinging is about couples. Some swing clubs allow single guys on some nights to make money, but basically they allow singles to watch usually the exhibitionist couples that come those nights and many other swingers avoid.

 

There are very good reasons why couples like to share with other couples.

 

Yes there are some couples that enjoy a extra man once in a while but the supply of wantaparticipate single male is humongous. There does seem to be more interest in some cities for single males if the male is bi.

 

Back years ago when I led the Phoenix couples group, we ran ads and for every 10 couples that responded we had 100 single guys and maybe one single female (they often were doms looking for slave guys).

 

Out of frustration not being able to help single guys I got interested in sexwork which often is a far less expensive practical alternative than the disappontments of trying to be a single guy in swinging which again by definition is for couples.

 

Dave in Phoenix

Founder, Liberated Christians

http://www.libchrist.com and

Sexwork Resource Center

http://www.sexwork.com

LoveTouch & Therapeutic Touch Institute

http://www.lovetouch.info