Can you make real friends in the lifestyle?

[AttentionGetter 16]

Is there any real way to have a true friendship in this lifestyle?

 

A year and a half ago we ventured into this having no idea that friends could be made in this. We just thought it was all sex. This was part of my reluctance for a long time. Friendship is the main thing we seek out in this, before sex.

 

We have repeatedly met couples, gotten to know them, began what seemed like a beautiful friendship, only to have it go to crap a few months later.

 

What is wrong here? Do we have the wrong idea about swinging? I am to the point where I'm ready to quit and just not have any friends.

 

Before this we didn't have that many friends or a social life. Maybe this is why I cling to it so much? If we stop, I'm afraid we will go back to a boring life like we had before.

 

Taking ANY suggestions, comments, or ideas PLEASE! HELP!

[MagicEnigma 16]

The female half of the couple that helped me into the lifestyle is maybe the closest friend I have. Its much like having a close sister, sans the sexual conotation that might carry. I've since made several friends, all women I admit, who I met doing this.

[Handyman69 15]

Unfortunately, we agree with the first. We have met several couples that are fun to be with, but know that sex is on everyone's mind. One couple, we thought we were developing a friendship with but due to the pressure of possible sex, the other couple has backed off of the whole swing-thing and ended the friendship.

 

We also led a very boring social life (we are older with 5 yr old triplets). We are going to continue with what we have been doing, but think will put less effort into a friends type of friendship.

 

Will also look forward to what the members have to say on this. Sorry, I wasn't any help.

[sycamore 15]

First I want to ask you what kind of friend are you? What kind of friends are you seeking? Twenty plus years ago I had wonder experiences meeting new persons at swingers clubs and some of these persons are still my friends.

 

Perhaps your need is greater than your desire. Friendships take time. Some you will engage sexually with one or more times and never see them again, others you will have sex with and will remain your friends for years to come with or without sex. Just because you want someone to be your friend doesn't mean that they will feel the same way.

 

Do you have any friendships outside of swinging? Learn patience and lightheartedness. Friendship is a two way street. True friends are like diamonds precious but rare. False friends are like autumn leaves found everywhere.

[Guest awoman4us]

It is easy to find friendship if the other couple see things that way too! We found an awesome couple who are fun to be with in bed & out! We set up nights to see each other & If anything happens it happens, if not we all like to hang out & watch movies & have a great time without sex. I think the friendship is started with the women. Openness & Honesty is always your best bet!!!!

[Guest hot2lik31]

Hello, We are a married couple in Michigan. I seen your posting regarding the friendship between couples in the lifestyle and wanted to respond to your question - Can you find real friends in the lifestyle?

 

We have been in the lifestyle for about 2 years now. We too had a very boring social life that consisted of work and our kids. Our first couple was basically a one nite stand. But, we have met a couple out of this have become our closest friends. We do not swing together anymore, they have stopped for awhile, but we still remain very close.

 

Since we swang with them, we are able to talk about anything with them and have a very open relationship. So I am here to tell you that there are couples out there that can become your closest and dearest friends. I mean we have 2 kids and so do they, we all get together and go camping, out to eat, to the movies and our kids get along great. I am very grateful that we got to meet them.

 

Please don't give up on the idea that you can make friends in the lifestyle, because you can. But, this is just our opinion. Hope this has been helpful. Take care!

[Guest Unregistered]

YES, there is hope in finding friendship in the swinging lifestyle. My husband & I have been with our "special friends" now since February of this year. We have had some conflicts & some down time but we are all very open & honest with each other & have worked things out. The 4 of us are best friends and we talk to each other every day and go to our kids birthday parties and have family time. I know it sounds strange but it works for us. We don't have any other swing friends and neither do they. So, we don't have to worry about who's been with who crap. I am sure you are wondering about the sex. Is it still fucking awesome? OH YEAH..... We are all so fucking turned on by each other it is like your knees shake and you feel light headed when you kiss and the sex lasts for HOURS! What more can I say??? I hope that you two find what your looking for because when you do you'll be swept off your feet!

[good_lover4_u2001 15]

My wife and I started swinging a year ago. The couple we were with were very nice and became close friends. When we go to their house there is no pressure to have sex. We talk and and watch a movie have a few drinks or not. If the urge to have sex is there it we make sure everyone is in agreement. If not, oh well, so what.

 

We like making new friends, some closer than others. We value the friends we have it doesn't matter if they are in the lifestyle or not. If you cannot keep swinging friends very long you must get another look at what is going on when you meet these people, and do not be blind to anything from either side.

 

I find if you push yourself too hard on a couple they will back off. If we meet a couple who for some odd reason disrespect each other in public that is a turn-off for us. If one of them seems to try and outdo the other...turn-off...we do not like show-offs...turn-off...If they have a bad public appearance....turn-off...if they become our shadow...turn-off.

 

We will respect the other couple very much and expect the same in return. Friendship is very valuable and cherished. We let all our friends know this. We never discuss what the other one has said to anyone and that is important.

 

So all I can say is step aside and take a long look at what you are doing and if your eyes are open wide enough you may see the problem.

[Handyman69 15]

Even though I wasn't the one that posted this, I have been waiting for responses. I for one say thank you to all. Probably right that we are rushing into friendship too fast, they don't build over night or within a few months. As stated, our lives have been on hold for such a long time that guess we wanted everything at once. Have met several very nice couples who we enjoy being with. Will take the advice and step back and see how things develop.

 

Know I say it to our older kids, guess time for us to do the same.

 

Will keep reading and learning.

[roseandy85 15]

Friends in the Lifestyle! No problem. But a person cannot expect to be best of friends with everybody they meet (in or out of the lifestyle). Although friends in the lifestyle are more likely to be closer (nothing much to hide). Non clingy people keep friends of any type longer generally! So have a good time, be honest and friendship will happen!

[c and k 16]

We're considering entering into the lifestyle. New friends for us is a big reason. It seems that having sex with another couple doesn't guarantee friendship, but at least you got to have sex.

[TeamSoBe 36]

Swinging can complicate friendships. We recently met two very cool couples that we really got along with and had a lot in common with. They were already all friends, and we were the new ones. For whatever reason, not all six of us were necessarily feeling the sexual chemistry, and so the other two couples have pulled back from us.

 

We would have been thrilled to meet these people regardless of sex, and if we had met them in any other context then I really do think that we would have all wanted to be friends. We think that they have pulled back because they are afraid that we won't understand if they don't want to get into the sex thing. They are all a little less experienced with swinging than we are and they seem to move a little slower, so we think that they are just shy about openly discussing things so they pulled away.

 

It sucks, but whatever, if the context that we met them in makes them uncomfortable then we have to understand. We really do feel like it's a shame though, we all had a lot of things in common, things that we normally have trouble finding in our vanilla friends, much less swingers.

[Greg & Sheryl 368]

One thing the I (the male half) has discovered in my lifetime is that friendships, whether they be within the lifestyle or outside of it, cannot be forced. If you go about meeting people with the idea that you're going to try to make a close friend out of everyone you meet, then you're setting yourself up for disappointment. Only a small percentage of people on this planet have the potential to become friends with you.

 

Your best friendships will generally occur accidentally. Think about the people in your past with whom you've shared friendships. I'll bet few, if any of those friendships, were manufactured. Most likely, these friendships happened spontaneously when you met someone by chance and you happened to "click."

 

My suggestion would be to continue to meet other couples socially. You don't have to swing with everyone you meet (unless you want to!), but you're bound to meet some interesting people and have some fun doing so. Eventually, you'll meet a couple with whom you have great chemistry. That couple may become friends for life.

 

Our best friends are a couple from Colorado Springs. I actually met them by chance at a Denver strip club before I started dating Sheryl. I was dating and swinging with another lady at the time, while this other couple were just getting into the lifestyle. This past summer, they were kind enough to help Sheryl and I move into our first home. We love this couple! Indeed, friendships happen in the lifestyle.

[youngish56 15]

I think a certain maturity level in both couples is necessary for a friendship to be real. It is far easier for older people with grown kids and comfortable incomes. The stress on younger folks to live up to the overconsuming lifestyle they feel is necessary, carries over to a competitive discomfort and resentment between people of the same sex. Not so common across the sexes. Just my opinion, but I'm always right.

[sinc 15]

I don't believe in sex and a real friendship can swing together in a lasting relationship.

 

1. The idea of swinging is to experience variety. So how long do you plan on swinging with just this couple? Because if your close friends, how do you get past the eventual ending of the sex and stay friends?

 

2. Friendship that is lasting is a relationship and it is very intimate. Swinging with friends can end your relationship when sexual intimacy gets involved within two relationships.

[cplnuswing 4,713]

A thread from way back, and I bring it up again to show that some themes (most actually) here at the Swingers Board are timeless. Everyone is searching for something, whether it be sexual variety, friendship, sex + friendship, and everything that goes along with those three things.

 

Yes, you can make friends in swinging. We have made friends through swinging that I expect will last a lifetime...friends that are still friends long after the sexual aspect has run its course.

 

If we never had another swinging experience our whole lives, it would have been more than worth it just for the friendships.

 

Because if your close friends, how do you get past the eventual ending of the sex and stay friends?

 

If the friendship is strong and true, it just happens without any drama. The high octane sexual energy fades away and the sure and steady friendship energy replaces it. When that shift happens just depends on the circumstances and the people involved. But, for almost all I expect, happen it will.

 

How about you? Have you made lasting friends through swinging?

[kittyswinger 260]

I made friends with some swing partners in the past whom I really connected with, mostly the guys who were single before and now married with vanilla families. We do go out and meet in non sexual contexts, like when they invite me to birthday parties of their kids, or do business, or consult with something that I know he is knowledgable on, etc. While the passion for the LS has faded in them but I have to admit there were times when we "checked each other out" sexually. It is weird that I feel it to be normal and nothing to be guilty about since we originally met on non-vanilla contexts. It simply felt like meeting old friends and sharing old hobbies, Occasionally! RFWOB? (Real friends with occasional benefits) :-)

[M1F2KTJ 473]

The best way to become friends is to have a good relationship without involving sex.

[JessicaJamison 861]

My husband and I have a couple friends that we are friends with but sex is a big component, but we make an effort to invite them to the vanilla stuff also, where there is no sex.  We also do stuff with them outside of being a couple, like my best friends are Jenna and Julie and I've swung with both of them.  And my husband is best friend with Adam, Julie's husband, and he goes to the bar for happy hour on most Thursdays with Jenna's Husband.  And our relationship with Julie and Adam is very fluid, we are probably close to being in a quadruple honestly.  So its totally possible but it needs to be about much more than sex.  

[TamchaKay 16]

I’m not sure how popular this answer will be but.. Yes you can and very likely will develop true friendships that do become deep and meaningful. The bad news however is in our experience the friendships tend to fade eventually. Of course this is not always the case and I’m sure many people develop life long friendships but our experience has been after a few years or whatever, the friendships end and people just move on. These friendships are very real and genuine but are still different than vanilla friendships. I think it’s due to the sexual component of the relationships. 

 

... And honestly, you fuck anyone long enough and shit will get messy. It’s the nature of the game. Fucking is intimate and intimacy tends to get complicated if you give it enough time. Swingers don’t do complication! Real life is stressful enough and we consider the lifestyle our fun time, together. At the end of the day swinging is a two person team sport. As soon as things get complicated, swingers tend to move along, no hard feelings but c-ya. It’s the nature of the beast.

 

I don’t mean to discourage anyone from looking to make best friends out of play partners. Our experience my not be yours. 

[njbm 2,871]

We have made many friends in swinging, but we tend to move on after one, two or three sexual encounters. Sometimes it’s an ongoing thing, but usually the newness of sex wears off and swingers want to swing.