Swinging Separately

[EvilMJ 65]

Another board member got me thinking about this subject, and after a bit of back and forth converastion between us (you know who you are ), I thought I would throw this out to the board.

 

I think one of the hardest things to do in swinging is find a couple that you are both compatable with. I know we have run into a multitude of situations/complications as to why one of us, or both of us do not click with a prospective couple.

 

It seems that the general consenus is that people generally feel that swinging separately is not a good thing, or something that people would not want to do.

We have swung separately and made it work for us, now i realize that this is not going to work for everyone. But has anyone ever considered this an option? And how have you dealt with the complication of finding a compatible couple?

 

I would be interested in how others have handled this....let me peek into your brains a bit.

[TNT 1,155]

let me peek into your brains a bit.

 

 

There's not a thing in there for you to see...it's empty

 

We have discussed playing separately and I have on two occasions. Both times I knew that Ted would be around in a very short time and it was with a friend we have known for 20 years. Although it was a very good time, what I found for myself was that I missed having Ted there.

 

Now at house parties and socials, we do play quite a bit separately...which neither of us have a problem with, and enjoy as once we find each other in the crowd again, we're smiling and asking...So, what you been doing?

 

But due to the limited amount of time that we have with each other, one of us going out by ourselves is not appealing to either of us at this time. That's not to say that this won't change sometime in the future. If we have learned one thing in swinging, it's never say never .

 

It does take a very strong couple to be able to play separately and still keep the couple mentality...if you play separately and it's still about the couple then things should go fine and be very fun in the process.

 

Teresa

[BorisNatasha 63]

While Natasha and I have discussed just about everything you can do as a swinger, this is one of the few things we have pretty much ruled out. It seems to defeat the purpose of what we are trying to accomplish by swinging.

 

That said, as newbs who have yet to even go near the swingset we realize our feedback is not particularly valuable in this case.

 

Boris

[EvilMJ 65]

 

That said, as newbs who have yet to even go near the swingset we realize our feedback is not particularly valuable in this case.

 

Boris

 

Everyone's input is valuable to me. This is how we started out as well, deciding not to swing separately..and yet we have changed that rule. Now this not to say we ONLY swing separately, but it is something that we have encorporated due to the problems in finding compatable couples.

[Miss_Piggy 98]

K and I have no problem with playing solo. In fact, I'd say that it makes up about half of the swinging-type play that we do. I dont' really know why it works for us but it does. I seem to recal that when we first discussed it we both said it was something we weren't interested in. But I don't think we'd actualyl thought about it. We just said we didn't want to try it beause we figured that's just not something people do. It's cheating. But the more we talked the more we realised that we couldn't really think of a reason why we shouldn't do it other than that people say you shouldn't. Following other people's ideas of right and wrong hadn't been too beneficial in the past so we just decided to go for it.

[curiousduo30 30]

Being fairly new ourselves we had agreed through some pretty deep conversations of the subject, that we would also not be comfortable swinging seperately.

However, we were just recently discussing the whole FMF and FMM situations and agreed that if we were totally comfortable with another couple together in all ways, that we would definitely consider a you scratch my back type of situation.

But again, this is still a "what if" situation for us at this point. I guess you could say we are open to suggestion when it comes to this. Since neither of us would ever swing with someone the other found to be threatening (for whatever reason) and that we both trusted, I think we definitely would give it a try.

But right now, we are still in the stage of exploring together...although, like TNT so eloquently stated, I, too have learned to never say never....lol

[bear_and_babe 68]

Great timing on this question! Bear went to a house party last night without me (I was sick) and by the time he got home, I was very upset. I even told him it was ok to go. But the more I thought about it I felt that swinging solo was not for us. In the past I have played with a swing partner solo, with Bear's knowledge, and I was ok with it until about a week later. To me it just felt like an affair, and that is not what we are into.

 

When we were in an exclusive relationship with another couple, we did play solo. The other guy and I would stay home and play an Bear and the other woman would go to a movie or whatnot. We felt ok with that.

 

When we go to the club or house parties, we do play separate, it is too hard to have everyone click to play with couples. But we don't feel that we are really playing "solo" in that case. We are still in the same building, we came together and we leave together.

 

I guess it comes down to what works for one couple may not work for another. We just have to do what we are comfortable with and right now swinging solo is not in our comfort zone.

[HornyCouple 15]

We agree with TNT. We can deal with playing separately on rare occasions due to circumstances but would not seek it out continually. We have had several MFM and on many occasions she has started play w/o me but i was very close by and would be joining shortly.

If we were both at a party and it happened that would be ok but again we are both close by and will enjoy hearing about the others fun.

[imsnowman 34]

Great timing on this question! Bear went to a house party last night without me (I was sick) and by the time he got home, I was very upset. I even told him it was ok to go. But the more I thought about it I felt that swinging solo was not for us. In the past I have played with a swing partner solo, with Bear's knowledge, and I was ok with it until about a week later. To me it just felt like an affair, and that is not what we are into.

 

 

So how did you resolve your feelings? How did Bear feel about it after-the-fact?

[Olympus5246 18]

Great timing on this question!

 

Being "NEWBIES" to the swinging era, we have discussed this subject and have come to what we think will work for us.

 

Although it may be, as stated here several times, hard to find a couple that both are confortable with, we feel that starting slow (same room - soft swap) would be best for now. So if it takes a while, then so be it. All good things are worth taking your time with, and what makes one feel confortable has the highest of priorities for us. Maybe down the road, well, who knows what will happen.

 

I do know that we have both been logging in and reading a lot of things here that we have been able to talk about with each other.

 

Heck, we even look at couples differently now when out shopping. We wonder how many people we pass everyday have/do/done swinging before/now. Its kinda interesting....off the subject here...sorry.. ...

 

Thanks for bringing this up ....

 

Cheer's

 

M & C

[Dolphins524 15]

While Natasha and I have discussed just about everything you can do as a swinger, this is one of the few things we have pretty much ruled out. It seems to defeat the purpose of what we are trying to accomplish by swinging.

 

That said, as newbs who have yet to even go near the swingset we realize our feedback is not particularly valuable in this case.

 

Boris

Coming from another newbie on the scene, I have to agree w/ you. We want to watch each other as well as experience different, umm, situations together. Never can tell what may happen down the road, though. Mrs. Dolphins said she's not bi, but I'm always gonna be hopeful about that possibility . But just out of the starting gates, separate play is not an option (yet).

[WesternSwing 504]

You know, EvilMJ, we have recently explored playing solo. For me it is fulfilling Mrs. WS's fantasies of playing alone. I know it can be fun not having to worry if I'm having fun, etc. So I have set-up little "missions" we call them to play with others. And it's hot for me giving her this, and then she calls me the moment she gets in the car and tells me all about it, she comes home to me and we go at it like Mallard ducks in heat.

 

On my end of it, it has so far had nothing to do with incompatibility between me and the wife of the couple because, well, it seems that in these situations we both think the wife is hot, but the husband is not attractive to Mrs. WS. When she plays alone it is because of the above paragraph.

 

The idea of me playing alone turns Mrs. WS on. I haven't done it yet, but it will happen when the time is right. It's allot easier to find a guy for Mrs. WS to play solo with then a single girl for me. Mrs. WS has talked to the wife of a couple that I am really attracted to but Mrs. WS is not attracted to her husband. We have been honest with them about this, and he is okay with her playing with me solo (they also play solo on occasion). So we'll see.

 

Mr. WS

[bear_and_babe 68]

So how did you resolve your feelings? How did Bear feel about it after-the-fact?

 

 

Like everything that has come up in the lifestyle, we talked about it. Now, I admit that talking at 3AM may not have been the best time to talk! I told Bear how I felt leftout of everything. Even though I was sick and could not go, I still felt leftout. So we decided that neither one of us will go to parties or the club alone.

[montresor 19]

EvilMJ -- I think it was your saying "Let me peek into your brains a bit" that did it, I now have the tiniest crush on you! Smart women who express themselves imaginatively are sooooo sexy!

 

Ms P and I did regular MFM threesomes for about 11 years but all the time she met with men on her own; usually had one or two guys she knew and trusted. I was working nights at the time and it was fine with me; we both recognized the practicality of the arrangement, and she was always very turned on to receive me after she'd been resoundingly boffed for an evening. A couple of years ago, she decided that she preferred one-on-one, open-relationship style, so we simply moved to that mode, with a concomitant freedom for me to continue swinging with my play pal Ms F, one on one or in ensemble settings. It seems to work well, though I'm not sure if what Ms P is doing could be called "swinging." If she and I have sex immediately afterward, which is often the case, it feels like a threesome, just done sequentially.

[northindycpl 32]

But due to the limited amount of time that we have with each other, one of us going out by ourselves is not appealing to either of us at this time. That's not to say that this won't change sometime in the future. If we have learned one thing in swinging, it's never say never . Teresa

 

 

This is exactly how I feel. Mr. Indy and I get to go out alone maybe once a week and typically it is to the club, where we couple with other couples.

 

My gut feeling is that I wouldn't like it. Honestly, I would hate knowing that Mr. Indy is out without me somewhere having fun. On the flip side, I went with friends of ours to the club once without him (he was working) and I played with them a bit, and I didn't like the way it felt. I don't think he really liked it either.

 

What I enjoy the most is the togetherness we have. I mean all my fantasies revolve around him, and if he isn't there, it is just not happening for me.

 

I will also have to agree with T, I am never going to say never! There may be a magic couple that could change my mind. I think it has a lot to do with who you are with at the time, too.

[LikeMinds321 1,527]

We have swung separately and made it work for us, now i realize that this is not going to work for everyone. But has anyone ever considered this an option?

We never considered this as an option when we started swinging, didn't see why we should, but now that we've been at this for over a year I have done this a couple times. I swung with a couple we had played with numerous times. We did this because MrLM and the women agreed they weren't clicking sexually, however the three of us were still interested in each other. It's worked out, but I can see this as an option we would only consider with certain people.

 

 

And how have you dealt with the complication of finding a compatible couple?

Finding four people that click has turned out to be a challenge - more than we expected. We have had lots of fun but there often seems to be an imbalance. I want to continue with a husband, MrLM has found the wife no longer interests him, so we stop with that couple.

 

Watching each other play has not been high on either of our priorities and we are so secure with each other that I feel we'll probably be heading toward the swinging separately in special cases. I don't want to deny him a woman just because I don't care for her husband. If MrLM is asked to join them in a 3sum that would be okay by me. It would thrill me to see him happy and I'd love to hear all about what transpired during their play. Now THAT would turn me on!

 

LM

[Greg & Sheryl 369]

We have swung separately and made it work for us, now i realize that this is not going to work for everyone. But has anyone ever considered this an option?

We talked about this issue when we first began to swing together. Even with Greg's permission, playing alone was something that Sheryl was not interested in pursuing. Just like with TNT, it's not unusual for us to end up in separate rooms at a house party or club, but we don't make solo dates with others. There isn't a practical reason why we do that way; it's just a preference.

And how have you dealt with the complication of finding a compatible couple?

We just keep trying. Fortunately, we already have a fair amount of friends in the lifestyle, so we spend more time trying to arrange meetings with people we already know than we do trying to meet new couples.

[EvilMJ 65]

Fortunately, we already have a fair amount of friends in the lifestyle, so we spend more time trying to arrange meetings with people we already know than we do trying to meet new couples.

 

We find ourselves doing this quite often as well, and usually it is with these friends that we play separtely. For the most part it is at a dance or house party.

[Adam-n-Eve 223]

We do both. We started out just doing same-room full-swap. We loved it and we've had a good time. We haven't had a hard time finding couples -- we've had our share -- but the more we swing the more we open ourselves to other stuff.

 

We started doing the solo thing several months ago. Solo play is very fun too, and it hasn't changed how we view swinging or what we get out of it. Whether it's alone or together, swinging brings us closer. Swinging started out as a "couples activity" and when we swing together, it's no less a bonding couples activity than it was before. When we play together, we go out and socialize (and have sex) as a couple.

 

We wouldn't want solo play to supplant doing foursomes since that would mean we're not spending time together, but there's nothing wrong with having sex with others alone in addition to doing couples.

 

When I tell people about swinging, I tell them that having sex with others doesn't take away from the sex we have together. We have just as much sex as we ever did with each other -- we've just added more on top through having foursomes. Well, solo play is the same. We don't have less sex together, and we don't do fewer couples -- we've just added even more sex to our lives in the form of solo play.

 

The freedom that comes with a completely open marriage just adds yet another bonus to our already fantastic lives. Just like we couldn't imaging giving up swinging after doing it for a couple of months, we can't imagine giving up the freedom to have sex with whomever we want alone too.

 

I understand that it's not for everyone, but I do wish people wouldn't imply that it's somehow innately destructive or that it somehow violates the intent of swinging when they've never even tried it. To me, it's the same BS that we all hear from judgmental vanillas: "OMG! Your relationship JUST CAN'T survive that, honey! Trust me, you're going to regret it." That holier-than-thou, superior shit bugs me. The assumption that the health of my marriage isn't the most important thing in all this pisses me off.

 

- Adam

[mixtupcpl 169]

"OMG! Your relationship JUST CAN'T survive that, honey! Trust me, you're going to regret it." That holier-than-thou, superior shit bugs me. The assumption that the health of my marriage isn't the most important thing in all this pisses me off.

 

- Adam

 

To be fair, most relationships wouldn't. Especially among vanillas who are, what, >50% likely to divorce anyway.. LOL

 

The irony is that the people most "normal" people would assume are deviant lunatics hell bent for destruction (us) have a deeper and truer connection to each other than they could possibly imagine, most of the time. What they dont realize is that the successful "alternate" style marriages stem from the *most* successful relationships.

[willyoats 324]

For us, it's really pretty simple. Sometimes only one of us is attraced to the opposite member of the other couple. If they agree, the ones who are attracted to each other go off and party. The other two may still schmooze, dance, socialize, but not screw. That has probably happened a half dozen times with us, usually me (male) going with the other female. The other guy doesn't necessarily like the arrangement, but that's between my wife and him (and his wife).

 

It's happened to me, too. There have been times when my wife wanted to party with another guy, but the other wife was not interested in me. Fair enough. That's life. I can live with it because my wife never objects when the tables are turned and I want to play alone.

 

Occasionally the other husband is just interested in MFM with me, leaving my wife out altogether. She never has objected to that, either. She just goes off and finds a guy who is interested in her. Believe me, that's never been a problem!

 

There are lots of possibilities, and if you keep an open mind, they can all be some kind of fun.

[Coupleerotic22 1,419]

My wife has played solo when I was incapacitated due to surgery. It was with the male half of a couple we play with. It had been a fantasy of hers for us both to do that, but she readily admits that it is more fun when I am there. I think part of that is she feels guilty about having fun when I am not.

 

We have discussed the idea about playing solo when we go to house parties or socials. And we agree, given some parameters, that is a good idea. We have yet to do that, but likely will.

 

Another incentive for us to play is baby sitters. It is extremely difficult for us to line up baby sitters for us to have extended play time. So we have considered solo play in order to allow us to be more active, again within certain parameters.

 

She also finds it a huge turn on to think of me off with another woman, we will see how she feels after it happens before we decide if we go any further down that road.

[sweet_tna 680]

I've played solo all of three times. The first was an experiment. I met up with the Mr., we had our fun, then our spouses joined us later for a foursome. The second was spur-of-the moment, as Mr. Sweet and the other Mrs. were too tired to play, and the third was pre-planned. I enjoyed all three thoroughly, because it gave the the chance to not worry whether my hubby or his partner were having fun.

 

I would love for Mr. Sweet to be able to do this, but I know his preference is to have me present. So we do what works for us. Which is decide what to do as we go along.

 

=)

[lustylearning 705]

Another board member got me thinking about this subject, and after a bit of back and forth converastion between us (you know who you are ), I thought I would throw this out to the board.

 

I think one of the hardest things to do in swinging is find a couple that you are both compatable with. I know we have run into a multitude of situations/complications as to why one of us, or both of us do not click with a prospective couple.

 

It seems that the general consenus is that people generally feel that swinging separately is not a good thing, or something that people would not want to do.

We have swung separately and made it work for us, now i realize that this is not going to work for everyone. But has anyone ever considered this an option? And how have you dealt with the complication of finding a compatible couple?

 

I would be interested in how others have handled this....let me peek into your brains a bit.

 

It's a perfectly acceptable option for some. I think finding a compatible couple is a matter of chance, though you can increase your chances by meeting new people.

[Trace Ekies 186]

WE are seriously considering this option right now and where we'll end up I'm not sure.

 

It sounds like fun but I'm not sure if I'm ready to be at my desk, or anywhere else for that matter, doing what I do while Mrs. Ekies is out with a single male or couple. I don't think it's jealousy...it's more about consent.

 

It's okay in my head for her to have sex with others while I'm there but for me to give consent for her to "party" with others without me there doesn't sit well. It's a tribal, "mark my territory", neanderthal thing...I think.

 

One of these days we'll meet the right single male or couple and travel this bridge.

 

Be sure fellow 'boarders that when we try it, I will keep it in the proper context and say yea or nay when it's over. I'd hate to miss something that so many enjoy because of a fear of trying...

 

Trace

[couplesdeli 15]

I know it's not for us. Too sensual to be in different rooms (or however separated). When we swing, though we may be good friends with the other couple, when it comes down to it we sort of think of them as a live action sex toy lol. To not be together would make the experience feel too "romantic" with the other person. We save the romance for just us.