How to say we are only interested in the wife...

[the 2 of us 15]

My wife and I are new to this game and are starting to think that it might be fun for a lady to join us. We have been to a few clubs and have a great time just doing our own thing. Most of the people at the clubs we visited are couples and when a single woman does show up she seems to disappear very fast.

 

How would you communicate, or want to be told that we are only interested in ½ the couple?

[Spoomonkey 421]

How would you communicate, or want to be told that we are only interested in ½ the couple?

 

That is tricky...

 

For us - no matter how you said it, it would be a compliment to the desired half and nothing more. Since we don't play alone, we'd thank you for the interest, and that is it.

 

You would have to make sure that the couple you are approaching is into playing seperately.

 

We tend to assume, because we do not play apart, that couples we meet do not. This has probably caused us to miss a few opportunities, but it is just the way are minds are geared when we walk into a club.

 

If the club you go to has some sort of "color code" (i.e. red bracelets mean single women or blue cups mean single women) you may make sure that you are appropriately advertising your interests. Then, simply let people who you are talking to know fairly quickly what your interests are.

 

"We are fairly new and really interested in finding a woman who will play with us."

 

My guess is, if there is chemistry and the couple is okay with that, they'll keep the conversation going - if they aren't they'll let you know. No harm in asking.

 

My only caution would be to bring it up early - if you wait too late, you run the risk of really making the other half feel rejected.

 

I'm not sure how easy it will be to find, since we have never looked for that ourselves, but there is no doubt that you will find people willing to play that way. You're a good looking couple, so if you combine that with honesty and persistence, you'll undoubtedly do very well.

 

Good luck.

 

Spoomonkey

[Pepper & Drew 384]

And that question, my friend, is why the single bi female is so sought after. Many couples want a MFF threesome, but there just aren't as many single women in the lifestyle, or women in couples who would agree to you only playing with the female. As Spoo said, there's no sense in beating around the bush (pardon the pun!) when you meet a couple where you're interested in. I think you'll have a better chance at finding a single female (which is difficult, but not impossible) to join you, but what the hell do I know?

 

Pepper

[northindycpl 32]

My only caution would be to bring it up early - if you wait too late, you run the risk of really making the other half feel rejected. Spoomonkey

 

Dito this past weekend we had an experience where the couple plays seperately and the wife is straight. (Which surprised the hell out of me) Only after several hours of talling to her, and flirting with her, building up (in our minds) that we were well on our way to a MFF, did she announce that she was straight and wanted only Mr. Indy.

 

I really was a bit dismayed, I gave her every opportunity under the sun to inform us about her likes and even discussed ours with her. If she had brought it up when I first asked, then it would have been a different story.

 

I would also mention in your ad that you are looking for MFF 3 somes with couples. We have had a few and they worked out well.

 

One additional thing I would caution you on, atleast from our experience, is if you have a MFF 3-some with a couple, chances are the other couple's husband is going to want reciprocation. Are you comfotable sending your wife over to them?

 

If not, I say your answer is single women at the club, through ads, or married women that play alone.

[Chicup 42]

My wife and I are new to this game and are starting to think that it might be fun for a lady to join us. We have been to a few clubs and have a great time just doing our own thing. Most of the people at the clubs we visited are couples and when a single woman does show up she seems to disappear very fast.

 

How would you communicate, or want to be told that we are only interested in ½ the couple?

 

First I wish that couples like you were required to wear a big sign around their necks so we don't waste our limited club time with them

 

Very rarely you are going to find a couple that play apart at a club but other than that you won't find to many willing to do this. To me the whole scenario screams newbies, insecurity, and potential drama. Its almost a given that new couples start looking first for a single female due to the males insecurity of his wife being with another man. If that is not the reason you are doing this and its just because of the GG play then you can find some couples willing to just have the guys watch.

[Alura 2,775]

Probably not.

 

Mrs. Alura is only mildly "bi-curious." The most she's done with another lady is kissing and petting in the spa. Still, the lady left me with a very hot wife on my hands so, for the future, who knows?

 

We have some friends who want to do an FMF and we considered it but Mrs. Alura wanted me to be there. The other husband said "No way" would he have another man in the room.

 

We concluded, "What a self-centered son-of-a-bitch!" and dropped the idea completely. We're still friends, though.

 

If you place an ad, make sure you say exactly what y'all are looking for. No one will be mis-led and y'all may very well be successful. Our above-mentioned friends have had a lot of married women looking to cheat with a female contact them, so be careful.

 

Mr. Alura

[NakedInSeattle 159]

At our club, the bi gals make it known by dancing with other gals or encouraging FMF dancing. Haven't had much trouble picking out which gals will go for that combination for sex as well. Also, I'm surprised how many couples there are where the guy just wants to watch his gal having sex with either gender. I guess you would call that a FMF - M. New category. LOL.

[EmpyreanPleasur 18]

The only "way" to communicate this is to be direct and honest.

 

Of course you probably don't want to walk up to a couple and say "Hi...we only do 3somes with women" as you'd look rather silly, but follow the cues of the conversation to find an appropriate time to bring up your interests.

 

Your scenario is possible and infact, quite common. We've had great success in meeting single females though most of it is online and through ads. In my experience we have not met many women at "couples" clubs who will play separately. Of course there are clubs that invite single women too.

 

While some people take this as their initial step into the lifestyle and then realize they feel more comfortable expanding their limits, there are plenty of people in the lifestyle who prefer the 3-some scenario but give it up as they don't know how to work at it or are not patient to wait for what they want so that they expand their original limitations.

 

Your success online depends on your style of approach, your directness and your dedication to getting what you really want.

[the 2 of us 15]

This is the wife talking now. Thank you to everyone who responded. We learned alot from this post. Being the "newbies" that we are (and yes, Chicup, we are "newbies" but then maybe we didn't have to spell that out in the first sentence) we haven't quite figured out how things work, or exactly what we want yet.

 

I am a little dismayed with the knowledge that we may not find a single woman interested in MFF at a club, and might have to look online for that (I don't know that I'm ready for that "direct" type of contact). But I guess that's why we haven't found the right situation yet. To be honest, the women I find attractive seem a little unapproachable, but I'm also a little hesitant to make the first move.

 

Now to address Chicup's comments.

 

First I wish that couples like you were required to wear a big sign around their necks so we don't waste our limited club time with them

 

Believe me, I wouldn't want to waste your time. I probably wouldn't even want to be in the same club with you, given your attitude. We like to make friends at the club, not be insulted.

 

To me the whole scenario screams newbies, insecurity, and potential drama. Its almost a given that new couples start looking first for a single female due to the males insecurity of his wife being with another man.

 

It's interesting that you would automatically assume that the limitation is totally due to the husband. It is actually the wife's disinclination to be with any other man. I just have no interest whatsoever. Part of the reason, I think, is that I haven't seen a man at a club who has attracted me yet. Plus I'm just not interested. So don't jump to conclusions and blame it on the husband's "insecurity." He has no reason to be insecure.

 

We were both pretty disappointed in your response, Chicup. We are new and looking for some useful information. "Flaming" is so inappropriate.

[xxoticangel 99]

During the 7 years we have been swinging we have had exactly 2 MFFs. One was with my best friend, spur of the moment, etc. The other was with a married bi fem that only did MFF either with another couple or with her hubby. Their reason for this was because her hubby could not stand the sight of her being with another man. He had no problem knowing about it just didn't want to watch.

 

We have never found a SBiF online and the ones that visit the clubs seem to be part of the regular clique and have not been interested in hooking up with anyone else.

[Alura 2,775]

the two of us wrote:

 

We were both pretty disappointed in your response, Chicup. We are new and looking for some useful information. "Flaming" is so inappropriate.

 

Flaming is indeed inappropriate, the two of us, and we try vehemently to keep it off this board. However, I wouldn't call Chicup's remarks "flaming." He's sometimes a bit severe in his opinions and doesn't pull any punches; he tells it like he sees it. That's a good thing.

 

We're not clubbers; we've tried it twice and didn't like either club.

 

Most couples who attend clubs do so to meet couples. I can imagine it would be frustrating to spend a lot of time with an interesting couple only to find they had no intention of "swapping," the only reason we'd go to a club to begin with.

 

Chicup has a point, but only one of many that were expressed. Take it with a grain of salt, add it to what you've learned from other couples, and make your decision on where to proceed from here. Your question was, "Can we have your wife?" Our answer was "Probably not." Chicup's answer amounted to "Hell, No!" There are couples "out there" who are looking for the same thing you are. You'll find them if you persevere, but there are more who are not, and y'all need to accept that.

 

Thanks for starting an interesting thread. My guess is that the opinions on this subject will be forthcoming for awhile.

 

Mr. Alura

[EmpyreanPleasur 18]

I'm sorry but being one of those couples who are considered a "waste of time" I didn't like the way that was worded. It was unnecessary to say it that way.

 

I've learned to ignore "severe" comments when they are made on here...but I feel it's not the way to address newbies who would get the wrong impression of what people in the lifestyle are like.

 

We've done full swap so we KNOW what it's like to be on the other side of this situation and we would never say something like "where a big sign so I don't waste my limited time with you". If it's that important, then maybe people should IMMEDIATELY say "Hi, I'm so and so - do you full swap"?

 

I'm not at a club to put notches on my belt and I have to say that while it's not the majority, a LOT of people at the clubs we go to are not into full swap. The full swappers we know also have no problem spending time with us and being friendly at clubs. We regularly frequent 3 clubs in our area, have been to more, and get invited to house parties - despite being the dreaded 3-some squad.

 

BTW...MrE is not the least bit insecure, but he can tell you that himself. Like others, it is MY choice not to be with other men cause frankly I just am just not interested in being with another man at this point in my life.

[Alura 2,775]

Empyrean Pleasur wrote:

 

...it is MY choice not to be with other men cause frankly I just am just not interested in being with another man at this point in my life.

 

Thank you for another valid opinion, Ma'am. You certainly have the right to feel that way and we applaud you for holding firmly to your standards.

 

Similarily, it's Mrs. Alura's insistance that we not play with single men, which is a rule we've not broken in twenty-five years, even though she'll be quick to admit that her favorite experience was an MFM we had with the husband of our regular play-couple. (His wife was in Europe on business and called us to suggest it; otherwise it would not have happened.)

 

Mrs. Playcouple asked for "equal time," which turned out to be an FMF with Mrs. Alura and myself while her husband watched. All four enjoyed the experience.

 

Those experiences taught us that anything is possible with the right two couples because of the many available combinations, not all of which need to be enacted. Honest and complete communication is a must. Nobody should be misled in any way.

 

By the way, I said that Chicup's opinions are sometimes "severe." I still don't believe his remarks above rise to the level of "flaming." Admittedly, he could have used more tact. I'm sure he does not really believe y'all should wear a sign, just be forthcoming about your limitations. Sometimes I suspect him of being a yankee. (The smiley face denotes jest.)

 

Mr. Alura

[Alura 2,775]

Empyrean Pleasur went on to say:

 

I've learned to ignore "severe" comments when they are made on here.

 

And so you should. Hell, we often ignore entire threads that hold no interest for us or if we have little or no experience in the question.

 

Mr. Alura

[EmpyreanPleasur 18]

Those experiences taught us that anything is possible with the right two couples because of the many available combinations,

 

ah...and one of the reasons we live by the mantra: "never say never"!

[Alura 2,775]

I've often wondered if that should be worded, "Seldom say never."

 

Mr. Alura

[TNT 1,155]

My wife and I are new to this game and are starting to think that it might be fun for a lady to join us. We have been to a few clubs and have a great time just doing our own thing. Most of the people at the clubs we visited are couples and when a single woman does show up she seems to disappear very fast.

 

How would you communicate, or want to be told that we are only interested in ½ the couple?

 

As Spoo said...that's tricky.

 

Having been on the receiving end of this, let me give you my take.

 

I was flattered, pissed and amused all at the same time.

 

Flattered : Well who wouldn't be, it means they like you and think you would be fun.

 

Pissed: The question was asked by the other couple with them knowing that we don't play alone (one of their rules as well). We did think about it as we had played with him in the past before he met his present wife (who BTW has become a very good friend of mine) and Ted had no problem with it (I would have enjoyed it if Ted had been there to watch, but they were asking for just me to come over). When asked if they would return the favor the answer was no, they were not comfortable being separated during play time. OKay...so you're asking us to do something that you are not willing to do?

 

Not cool in my book...but, had it been something that Ted and I were into (playing separately) we might have taken them up on the offer...may at sometime in the future IF we decide that separate play is something we want. Right now, neither one of us has a problem sitting out and watching the other in a threesome (done it many times) but, we each want to be there to watch.

 

Amused: Well, we tend to get amused a lot, by many different things

 

Finding a single female (bi or straight) is difficult but not impossible. Letting a couple know that you only want to play with the female half , tricky but not impossible either as there are couples out there who do play separately, you just have to find them if that's the route you are wanting to go. Just remember to communicate what it is that you are looking for and that everyone has their own rules/wants as well.

 

Teresa

 

Oh...also remember that this is a message board, so when any question is asked you are going to get many, many different answers/views, good and bad...take the advice you want, ignore the rest, but learn from them all.

[EvilMJ 65]

I always find it very helpful once you have been talking to a couple and you find them to be the type of people that you like that you come out and ask something along the lines of "what are you looking for/into? It really puts it out there and no one gets offended or hurt if you tell them that you are looking for a bi woman. That way you can ask if they play separately.

 

I do play separately once in a while, but only with couples that hubby and i both know and approve of. I think you need to be up front early on. From past experience there is nothing worse than someone leading you on that they are into couples, only to find out that they only want the woman. It leaves the man feeling rejected and no one wants to do that.

 

I have no problem when people ask me if we swing separately, I find it to be a honest question and never take offence. I agree with people that say that Bi women tend to make it more obvious when they dance with other woman, it is a good indicator. You can go from there.

 

good luck, we are out there

[Carol_Danny 17]

We sometimes play separately since we don't have any rules against it or problems with it. That is very seldom though as we both prefer to be together when we do have fun. We have both had MFF relationships, either me and Danny with another woman, or me with another couple (without Danny).

 

Although we have been lucky enough to have met a number of single women over the years, we have never met one at a swing club that went anywhere. Most we have met through adverts or through other friends. I have had one-on-one relationships with women I have met at clubs, but we never experienced a threesome with Danny involved.

 

I don't know how we would take it if someone came to us and said they were only interested in one of us, and not the other, and then asked about a threesome, be it MFM or MFF. That does get outside of the realm of the Lifestyle, and into just Sex without any sort of personal relationship. You may as well just hire an escort for that! In fact, our advice to couples looking for a single women just for a sexual threesome is to hire an escort. There are a number that do specialize in that area.

 

Carol xoxoxo

(with Danny's input in the last paragraph)

[Chicup 42]

 

Now to address Chicup's comments.

 

Believe me, I wouldn't want to waste your time. I probably wouldn't even want to be in the same club with you, given your attitude. We like to make friends at the club, not be insulted.

 

I don’t think you understand where this is coming from. Clubs are couples and single female only for the most part (at least the ones we will attend). So at any given time you have a bunch of couples and far less than a handful of single females, who normally came with friends to start with. Now the Chicups are a young, busy, couple with a young child and limited baby sitting. They start to talk to a nice couple much like themselves and everything seems good, the time goes on, and on, at some point it becomes clear that the couple is not going to play for whatever reason. Odds are they didn’t come out and say it, being they are new and don’t know how to say ‘hey mind if we fuck your wife while you go away?, or whatever the case may be. This to us is a wasted night, not because we didn’t play, we will more often than not, not play when we go to a club, but because we ran into people at a couples club that weren’t into couples. We like making friends at the clubs, in fact I was going to make a thread on that very soon, but when we go to the club we are looking for fellow swingers, not vanilla friends. So we may have spent our one night out a month with people who never had any intention of playing. Even in adds we get this. We have it spelled out quite clearly that if you only want GG (and I can’t say we have ever had anyone ask for just the wife for them to do) we are not interested, yet still, they mail.

 

 

 

It's interesting that you would automatically assume that the limitation is totally due to the husband. It is actually the wife's disinclination to be with any other man. I just have no interest whatsoever. Part of the reason, I think, is that I haven't seen a man at a club who has attracted me yet. Plus I'm just not interested. So don't jump to conclusions and blame it on the husband's "insecurity." He has no reason to be insecure.

 

So what you are really asking is ‘Can we just have your wife, because you are ugly to me.’ That’s pretty ballsy if you ask me. Also with the experience we do have, I don’t buy that 100%. You say he has ‘no reason to be insecure’. No reason because you don’t play with other men or no reason because he wouldn’t have a problem with you playing with other men? I’m guessing from the context of your statement it’s the former and the two reasons are worlds apart.

 

The new couple looking for a FMF is almost cliché. I’ve seen it on the boards, and I’ve seen it in person. What I really have a problem with though, is that you seem to be approaching this from a ‘whats in it for us’ point of view only. I mean think about what you are asking. Would you be happy if a couple approached you and said your husband isn’t welcome? Are YOU willing to play with another couple without your husband? If you answer that honestly you will see why you will have very little success with this and you are far better off looking for a single female at a vanilla bar than a wife at a swingers club. You can be disappointed in my response, but its better to be disappointed here and learn how many people feel about your desire than be disappointed after a night out. You are looking for a very small subset of people in an already small subset. You say you don’t like to use the internet, but its really your best hope as there you can spell out what you are looking for. It will be just one of dozens of ‘we are only looking for a female’ adds, but maybe you will catch your unicorn.

[Carol_Danny 17]

The new couple looking for a FMF is almost cliché. I’ve seen it on the boards, and I’ve seen it in person.

 

Dito

 

It really is a cliché and almost all new couples we have met are looking for the same thing.

 

I've known couples that have been searching for that ever allusive Single Female for years, and have yet to find her.

[the 2 of us 15]

Male half posting here.

 

Thanks for all your help – Kinda nice to see a bunch of responses. This board seems to have a higher percentage of view to responses than other boards we spend time on.(not Swinging brds). I myself spend far more time reading then posting – I like it here.

 

I think this post may have hit a few nerves and sometimes that good. And I must say Chicups response hit us funny. I hate it when my reaction is to defend myself. We don’t have to apologize to anyone for our interests.

Chicup has as much right to his opinions as we do to our desires and interests.

 

Perhaps I could have worded our question a little better.

 

We don’t want to insult anyone at a club or online. This is the reason we asked the question in the first place.

 

 

Thanks

[Pepper & Drew 384]

So what you are really asking is ‘Can we just have your wife, because you are ugly to me.’ That’s pretty ballsy if you ask me.

 

I agree with your point, Chicup. Even if that's not how it's meant, and that's not what you're really asking, that may well be how it comes across. Let's remember, even though this is recreational sex, nobody wants to feel rejected. I don't care if you're on the playground at age 6 or the club dance floor at age 36, it sucks to hear that someone doesn't want to play with you. So, if you let it be known fairly early in the evening that you are always interested in MFF, no matter who the couple is, you might be less likely to tick someone off.

 

That said, if a couple were to ask us that on a first meeting, no matter what the reasoning was, I'm pretty sure we'd say no. Are there others who play the way you want to play? I'm sure. But, it's not going to be like shooting fish in a barrel. As others have said, letting your wishes be known early is the best way to avoid hurt feelings and uncomfortable situations.

 

Pepper

[destin-ez 15]

Hiya the 2 of us......

 

The Ms. called your thread to my attention, good question we thought. We have never been to a club (yet), so we have similar questions as well. IF, we can find such a club in the Milwaukee area, we'd like to attend. Any suggestions anyone? Anyway, we appreciate your question as it reflects similar interests for us. However, we hope we don't have to wear signs or placards labeling us as "newbies" when we first visit such an establishment and, maybe, look for a single bi-female .

 

The real purpose of our post is to say, Welcome to the board. Most of us are here to totally support exeperienced, and yes, even us "newbies", regardless of the questions/dilemmas we have.

 

Good luck..... facelick

[holdfast 15]

Very rarely you are going to find a couple that play apart at a club but other than that you won't find to many willing to do this. To me the whole scenario screams newbies, insecurity, and potential drama. Its almost a given that new couples start looking first for a single female due to the males insecurity of his wife being with another man. If that is not the reason you are doing this and its just because of the GG play then you can find some couples willing to just have the guys watch.

 

Chicup coundn't have said it any better...Couples should be very comfortable with the give and take nature of this business...

[curiouscouple4f 17]

That is tricky...

 

For us - no matter how you said it, it would be a compliment to the desired half and nothing more. Since we don't play alone, we'd thank you for the interest, and that is it.

 

 

Dito

 

"The Mrs."