Have your swinging rules changed over time?

[northindycpl 32]

We used to have a whole list when we first started but the majority of them have been thrown out. We have decided that simple is better, not for everybody I guess, but works for us.

 

 

This comment by GT, in another thread, prompted me to ask:

 

Now that you have been swinging for awhile, have your rules fallen by the wayside?

 

I know ours have changed substaintially since we started and I don't think that is bad. I know of a lot of couples that have also changed. I am curious about everyone else.

 

I also wanted to see who changed the rules, so this poll accepts multiple options.

[looking2swing 17]

Now that you have been swinging for awhile, have your rules fallen by the wayside?

 

Many of our rules have changed slightly, but our main principles are still there. It is all due to the experiences that we have gone through as a couple.

[trublujo 15]

We have recently changed our rules to allow eachother to play alone from time to time if it ever arose mostly because the hubby works alot of hours leaving me home alone. Before if company ever popped by I would have had to pass it up mind you i am not going out to search for fun without him either its more fun together.

[BodyScape02 21]

Our rules have not change drastically ...they have been modified as we become more comfortable with the lifestyle and ourselves in it... that and as we run into things we never even thought of that have to be addressed.

 

I think at first there are more rules to help you feel "safe" in a new enviorment , so you know your loved one has your back. Then after you know... you relax

 

The example with us that comes first to mind is when we began the deal was we stayed close to each other at the club... now we get in give each other a kiss and I am off to the dance floor...lol...

[curiousduo30 30]

Our experiences have led us to changing our rules together, we pretty much agree on what they should be and anything that is still questionable is a "no" until we discuss it together and agree on whatever it may be.

 

However our rules are constantly changing as new situations arise.

[Carol_Danny 17]

We never really had rules to begin with. We just believed in doing as we like as long as it isn't something that hurts the other. In our relationship, when one of us is satisfied and happy, the other is happy for them.

 

Carol xoxoxo

[good times 991]

Ah, it’s great to see that I inspired a good thread, good job northindycpl.

 

As I have said before, our rules have pretty much been reduced to a minimum. We started out with a quite a few but found out pretty quick that most of them were really unworkable in practice and often caused hurt feelings when they were accidentally breached. So now we don't have many rules and actually what we do have are more guidelines on what we are both comfortable with than rules and it seems to work best for us. Currently our rules are similar to what Carol_Danny said.

 

We always talk about these things and work them out together.

[VegasLee 1,486]

We have only had one rule from the start.

 

When we are done, at the end of the night/party we leave together.

 

Laura does who/what she wants and I do who/what I want. When we are done we go home together.

 

Keeping it simple keeps us from having hurt feelings.

[xxoticangel 98]

In the begining we had a lot of rules. We talked and talked about them, wrote them down, debated the pros and cons and whys and why nots. Over the years the rules started to slowly erode away. The only hard and unbreakable rule we have left is that we always sleep/leave together after. We also have some guidelines in place but they are more flexable than rules and subject to change depending on the situation.

[northindycpl 32]

Ah, it’s great to see that I inspired a good thread, good job northindycpl.

 

 

Mr. Indy and I have been re-evaluating our rules lately. I thought you made a very timely comment and really wnated to see what others thought.

 

I have often wondered, in general, about our rules. When we first started swinging, I distinctly remember us sitting down with pen and paper, going to town.

 

After our first play date, nothing seemed to apply

 

We have made changes, but our main rules still apply:

 

-We each have absolute VETO power

-No kissing passionately

-No bi-men

-We finish together

 

It is interesting how we will add rules depending on the situation, or take them away, depending on the situation.

 

All and all I think we have come a long way.

[DBL D 120]

I don't want to treat this poll casually so I will try to answer carefully.

 

We do still have rules, but we have changed them together. The ones we keep are ones we need to have, like leaving with each other. Others have fallen by the wayside as we came to realize that things weren't as threatening as we had thought they would be, like knowing where the other is every second. I may leave a dance and have a smoke with the smokers by myself, but she may want me to go with her when she needs to go to the ladies room. I stand outside most of the time.

 

I had an opportunity to let Fem D go to a fellow playmates hotel room recently but went along because they would be doing something I wanted to do...420! I wouldn't have a problem with her being alone with him, even if they decided to do something. Now a guy or gal that she just met...no way! At least...not yet. See what I mean?

 

Rules are for our comfort and security. I don't ever want her to feel like she is without something to fall back on, nor me either. Rules can give you a way out of tricky situations. When things get dicey you can always ask them about rules and if they say something you don't like you can say "well we have this rule..."

 

I think we can always just say that we aren't comfy with something whether we do or don't have a rule that addresses a situation.

 

Yes, each of us has VETO power. That is probably the #1 rule.

 

Male D

[ohhandahh 17]

What rules have gone by the wayside since you first started swinging ?

[pumpkins1970 17]

None, all still intact, 1 1/2 yrs in the lifestyle.

[Mr. Truelove 81]

We didn't start with many. Same room, condoms for intercourse, don't do anything the other isn't comfortable with.

 

After 1 week all are still intact.

 

Mr. Truelove

[gatorvol64 216]

None, but we didn't have that many to begin with.

 

Vol

[rpu3 630]

Our "standards" may be evolving (I didn't think I could get much "pickier", but I have), but the rules haven't changed. We really just had a couple: condoms required, I don't do anal, and be honest if it isn't working.

[aahours1 16]

All rules are still in tact. Sometimes we both get out of hand, but is reminded of the rules from the other spouse;NO tongue, safe sex, same room, no sleeping around seperately and no slepping with the other person ALL night. We also own a swingers club. Other people think that is a call to be more forward with us than other. But we are still people and in the lifestlye the same as some others are: GOOD CLEAN FUN! No strings attached, Honesty and up front, no DRAMA!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

[Spoomonkey 420]

Well - when we started we were soft swing only with very limited touching and "hands off!" zones. We also we "no kissing" and Mrs Spoo was completely straight (she'd kiss a woman - maybe - but see the above "no kissing" rule :rollseyes ).

 

I will say that these are fine rules and actually work quite well for people - but they lasted a very, very short time for us. Now we are full swap with the only limits being anal (not our thing on either side of the fence).

 

We laugh at how much our first "friends" probably saw us like a swinging crime scene - completely taped with yellow "DO NOT CROSS" flare.

 

I always say this, but rules are excellent and important, but you find that the further you explore this, rules are replaced with simple respect. If you know what would hurt your spouse, don't do it. I could tell you how we play now, but I don't think we really have any "rules" as such anymore.

 

Spoomonkey

[prettylady 221]

There aren't many rules that have been laid down infront of me that I have not bent or broken. I guess, no anal for sure, but just simple respect towards Dog and myself, that should be enough to keep me feeling safe and happy.

Your friend,

Prettylady

[ohhandahh 17]

I think you said what I feel PrettyLady. If our rule says no anal and my wife in another room wants it, I expect her to break the rule. No kissing seems to take away the passion. That and same room seems sometimes like a possesion, or not without me or I am jealous of you alone with another man kind of thing but some just want to be together, share all and watch the other while reserving something ONLY for the two of them in their marriage. My thing is, I dont expect my wife to be restricted by rules I, or we, make when she suddenly has the desire. I dont need to be asked or obeyed in her performing sexual acts she desires. We want to trust our partner enough that no condom is required. We want our partner to be sexually desirable enough and sexually competant in being able to please and pleasure that we really lose ourselves, our inhibitions and become emotionally and sexually "into" that partner in the most intimate of relations. That leaves little room for "rules" other than common sense. The big rule is go home with me and still love me, maybe a little more for providing such a fun evening. And think of me when you want me to provide it again.

As PrettyLady said, it is about respect for yourself in your desire and respect for how your mate would feel if you do it in frontt of him or with his knowlede you are in another room doing something he would be hurt by.

What goes on in the bed, stays in the bed. Maybe not knowing what REALLY is happening has something to do with the thrill of seperate room swingers, you can really, really let go of all inhibitions and fill your desires and needs without hurting your S.O. when you are with a partner you are "into" when in seperate rooms.

[good times 991]

We never had a lot of rules compared to some people we have met since, but the ones we did have are pretty much gone now. We take the approach now that others have stated above, we respect each others feelings.

[JTcamp05 9]

Cant say that any "rules" have changed......we never had any to speek of, never felt we needed any....were both adults......

 

I do think however we may have added one, when most people as they progress take away "rules" as they become comfortable.....what we added so to speek is that we shy away from those with too many rules........ we both feel they take away from the experience and everything feels scripted.

[havefuninsun 122]

We've decided not to use the word "rules" -- we operate under "guidelines" --

 

[VanHlebar 187]

Seems to be a trend in this thread. When we first started we dicussed alot of rules but in the end we decided to only have a few. If for no other reason than I knew for sure that if we had alot of them, I would screw something up. I am a guy after all and well I can't think about a rulebook while I am supposed to be paying attention to my playmate.

 

One rule we did have at first was a no swallowing rule. MrsVan was the first woman that would swallow for me and the very first time she did it, I can still remember to this day. So I wanted to keep that to myself. Then I realized just how much she really enjoys that and I just could not take away something that she enjoyed so much. So that one went by the wayside fairly quickly.

 

Now we have some simple ones, condoms, no anal, we don't play alone and as most have already stated, basically we just don't do anything that we know would cause the other to be hurt. We pretty much know what is ok and what isn't ok and we just kind of go with it now.

 

Now with all of the above "rules" if you will, all of them could easily go by the wayside with the right couple(s). These are where we begin, but we have played with couples seperately at times and if MrsVan really wanted anal, we might consider it, but to be honest...it really just isn't our thing, so it doesn't normally come up.

 

-Van

[WesternSwing 504]

Hmmm... Let me think. Rules that have gone by the wayside:

• No seperate rooms
  
• No anal
  
• No single males
  
• No cumming on Mrs. face
  

 

There has to be several others, too.

 

After getting more experience and having the trust level in having sex with others go way up, we realized that most of our rules were restricting our fun. We were always worried about upsetting the other if we crossed a line in one way or another.

 

So now there are no sex acts that are off limits with our play partners. It's whatever we feel comfortable doing with them.

 

So we've kept to just the most important ones, like:

 

• Safe sex always
  
• We always ASK if we can play with someone solo, we don't just disappear or TELL each other we're doing this or that.
  
• No secrets. We always tell each other everything about everything. If we have IM's, phone calls, or text messages with others we fill each other in on them.
  
• No coworkers (tried it once, didn't work out)
  
• No family, no matter how far extended.
  
• Respect for each other and each other's feelings first and foremost.
  

 

Mr. WS

[flkeyscouple 21]

We follow the main trend this thread shows. We started out with more than we have now. Mainly now it's go with the flow, respect each other, and communicate.

 

We've pretty much just said 'no rules anymore' but it's because we understand each other so well. We still stay 'same room' but if the desire came to go to seperate rooms we'd know it - just by a look or nod of the head. We don't restrict each other, but we truly enjoy the same room so we can experience pleasure together.

 

We also say 'condoms only', but we've broken (no pun intended) that rule too, with people we know and trust.

 

Sarah

[meandher2go 17]

all the rules were gone after the first nite, we realized we didnt need them.

[iapr 24]

Can't say very many rules have fallen by the wayside but they have been streamlined and trimmed up a lot. In the beginning we tried to cover every single base and every possible scenario with a rule to pertain to that. We have kind of left it with a global anyone can say no or change their mind at any time...period. We see the whole lifestyle as about free choice and part of that free choice is the choice to say no or to walk.

 

There are a number of things we aren't into to begin with under any circumstances like anal or BDSM etc but as far as rules with others it's pretty much don't do what you don't want to and neither will we.

[LFM2 1,482]

We had a plethora of rules at first. They all flew out the window the first night we played with another couple.

 

The more we played, the nods, eye signals and hand signals Mr. LFM and I gave each other as an OK, let's try this worked.

 

We do keep a couple of rules and probably always will...

 

1. same room pleasure only
   
2. condoms -- no matter if we're surgically safe or not. We haven't met the "trusted couple" yet.
   
3. respect for each other
   
4. communication
   
5. I love anal with Mr. LFM, but it's not allowed in swinging -- at least not with me.
   

[sexychoclit 32]

As a single female, I find that making couples aware of my rules is a very important thing. After being with them for a while and developing a level of trust then sometimes the rules can be broken. However any rules that you have, you should follow until you feel that they are no longer necessary.

[bigjoehd 26]

What rules have gone,all of em except 2,safe sex & have fun,we both now believe that as long as everybody is ok with whats going on then were happy.

[SandJinVT 23]

We've been in the lifestyle almost seven years now. Our rules have evolved, but none have really changed. We went into this knowing that the more rules we loaded ourselves down with, the less fun we were going to have.

 

The big "two" for us have always been: EVERYONE must be having a good time and Kissing is required. No Kissy no nookie as far as we're concerned. We both love the PASSION. And to us, passion can't be acheived without the kiss. S&J

[blondie77 17]

In the beginning we had a million rules and most of them seem unneccesary now. When hubby and I had our first threesome, we both went into it not really knowing what to expect. We thought that with all these rules in place, nothing could go wrong. But we quickly realized that so many rules did nothing but keep us uptight and unable to let loose and have fun. I was so preoccupied with jealousy in the beginning that I thought I couldn't have fun. (Not that I was jealous...it was the the fear of being jealous that brought on the rules) The craziest rule I had was the kissing rule. Yes, he could kiss her, but not passionately...and so on and so forth. OKAY...I realize that's pretty dumb now. After many more talks and experiences, we've realized that the only rules we need are these two: Total honesty and absolute respect. Beyond that, what else do you need?

[JustAskJulie 2,595]

I don't think we ever sat down and made RULES so much as discussed what we were comfortable with and came to a conclusion that we would move foward together as a couple as we decided we were BOTH ready.

[Hot Raleigh Cpl 164]

Since we'd just started dating when we started swinging, L and I hadn't yet developed a relationship to protect, and we didn't have predefined roles we needed to break out of. Therefore, no formal rules. Mainly, as long as we were both enjoying things, we were happy with the situation.

 

L and I have a keen sense for what each other will enjoy and be comfortable with, so we rely on that. Over the years, as we've come to know one another better, we're more comfortable with more situations, so we're receptive to more. In addition, we know MUCH better what turns each other on, so we steer more to those flavors.

 

If the adventure will end with us coming home and tearing each other up, it's good for us. And they all end that way ?

[sweet_tna 680]

We didn't have that many rules to begin with, but we have . . . refined them a bit, as needed.

 

=)

[Tia Vampire 167]

We have changed alot of our rule, but there are a few that must stay in place. Such as.....

1.) a condom must always be used.

2.) no bi play, no fisting, anal sex, bondage, or water sports.

3.) first meet up must be in a public place.

That's about all that we stick by.

[Sir Dude 15]

We kind of rushed into the swinging scene. We set some ground rules. One of the rules was strickly no anal. Therefore no DP. She was worried we might want to try it during a threesome and she isn't into anal.

 

When we are alone, she enjoys licking and some shallow stimulation with my fingers but that is it.

 

That has recently changed. We have beome more comfortable with our friend and the sex has become more relaxed and fun.

 

The other night while we were in the middle of a MFM with our friend we swapped positions so that she was in a 69 with him while I knelt beside them. She was on top. At times , I like to sit back and watch, maybe lend a helping hand.

 

I started to caress her ass and spread her cheeks while he was under her giving her oral. My intense lust came over me and I started to play with her ass hole. She seemed to like it so I kept going further until my finger was inside her. Then, to my suprise he started the same. I spread her apart while he slid his middle finger all the way in. She started bucking like crazy and loved every minute of it.

 

After talking to her about it, she said that it felt good at the time and for the first time, she truly enjoyed anal penetration. So then I suggested anal sex thinking there might be a chance but no. She is still 100% against that. She even said she might not enjoy a finger in ever again.

 

I can only assume that her intense mood helped her enjoy something she wouldn't normally consider.

[Bama0468 93]

Rules don't really change, they evolve, so while she enjoyed it this time, it doesn't mean she won't like it next time. It is a process, My wife and i started out with me fingering around the area and mild penatration. over time she grew to enjoy it more, added more fingers to get her used to something larger ( always with plenty of lube!) lets face a penis will likely be a wee bit bigger than "a" finger.

 

My wife now enjoys anal once in a while, but it was a process, it took time and it was something she wanted when it happened. So don't Push, just give her what she enjoys add a bit more as thing move on, don't rush.

After all "good things come to those who wait"

[JustAskJulie 2,595]

I can definately understand where your wife is coming from. I get in the mood for anal like once a year. That doesn't mean I don't like having my ass played with more often, a finger or a vibe in there but it does take some work. The idea of anal sex IS NOT something that anyone could just suggest to me and I'd be all for. I have to be IN THE MOOD for it (and that typically means I'm craving it). Just because you got your fingers in her ass and she enjoyed it doesn't even mean she would have enjoyed it if it had been your cock. Anal can be VERY painful for me, and it's always either one extreme or the other (very painful or it feels very good) and sometimes even when I think I want it, it ends up being painful and that just kills the whole night.

 

Don't push.

[SnowwwWhite 39]

I'm curious how the more experienced couples have changed their rules over the course of time. What rules did you start out with and which ones did you do away with or change over time? (Why?)

 

What was the evolution for you and your partner? (ie. what are your current rules and how long did it take to get to the rules you're at now?)

 

And did it seem to be mutual agreement or was there some debate on which rules to keep and which ones to let go of?

 

Thanks!

[toycple 19]

We have changed our rules on occasion. Sometimes we have even bent them, but only after disscussing it first. I think it is just a natural progression as you get more and more comfortable in the lifestyle.

[Hot Raleigh Cpl 164]

We didn't have many rules when we started. Basically, it was only do stuff we felt good about with folks we felt good about, and enjoy it as much as we could. If anything, we're more relaxed about it nowadays.

[MN hotdish 15]

Good question! I've been wondering the same.

Especially when you're really new, how do you set rules when you have nothing to go by? We've discussed everything so much & gotten nowhere as far as makeing any rules. We've just come to the realization that we'll need to go in with no rules & go from there. I mean we both agree that safe sex is a must, but that's really it. If / when there needs to be a rule set, we'll handle it from there.

[SnowwwWhite 39]

Any examples of rules you started out with and what you've whittled them down to?

[toycple 19]

Here are the rules that we have right now...

 

1. No singles, only couples. (though we have bent this on occassion, but only when both of us agree)

 

2. If both of us aren't attracted to them (m-f) (f-m) , then it doesn't happen. We don't take one for the team.

 

3. If we are playing somewhere where we can go to sleep at the end of the night. We always go to sleep with our spouse.

 

4. We always try to let the other know when we are going off to play.

 

5. never play with someone the other hasn't met yet.

 

I think that is all of them.

[JTcamp05 9]

We started off with very few rules... I wouldn't really say that we have RULES necessarily it's more like we have comfort levels and as we get more comfortable those levels change.

 

 

 

 

That is well said! I think alot of new couples would benefit from this advise. I think too many times couples set unrealistic rules, setting themselves up for failure. If couples spent more time communicating how they feel, rather than what they will "let" there spouse do, they would find entry into swinging easier..... and well more enjoyable!

[lookingfornow 116]

Yes. Here are some rules that we started with but have gone away (or been modified):

1. No kissing

2. Same room always

3. We both play or neither one of us plays

4. Condoms always

 

As to why they have the gone away, I think it was an evolutionary thing. When we first started playing, we were concerned (as many first time couples are) that the activities might hurt our relationship. So, a lot of the rules were intended to "protect" the relationship. Kissing was initially viewed as too intimate. Same room was intended to makes us each feel like we were part of whatever was going on with the other. As we became more experienced, we became less concerned about the swinging hurting our relationship (because we found that our relationship was, if anything, much stronger as a result).

 

Our both play rule reflected our insecurity that we would be more jealous if only one of us was being allowed to play. So, initially, we would not participate in threesomes. Again, with experience, jealousy was much less of a concern. Also, with experience, there was much less concern that favors would not be returned in the fullness of time. So, for example, if she has a good time tonight (and I don't play with someone else as a result), I have greater confidence that I will get my turn (maybe a MFF threesome) sometime into the future. Moreover, when we first started playing, we were each a little bit more focused upon our own fun playing with another. Now, we derive a lot of joy out of just watching our partner being pleasured in some way.

 

We actually started without a condom rule--our first play date was with a similarly inexperienced couple who, like us, had been largely monogamous for years. When we decided to continue to play with more experienced couples, we adopted the condom only rule. Then, as we learned a lot more about STDs, we modified the rule. Now, our general rule that we use condoms. But, there are some couples and individuals with whom we feel comfortable enough to play without. I think this is largely a personal choice weighing risks against perceived benefits.

[Cajunlovers 15]

We had so many rules it would be to endless to list them. But like many others stated our rules evolved with our comfort level. We had a few rules the first time we went to the club. First we were voyeurs , then the next time same room sex the next time a little oral play, then a little more than full swap and so on. But the rules changed as our confidence was secured this type of activity did not threaten our marriage. It fortified it. The longer we are in the lifestyle we realize the chance of infidelity is less and less.

[Chris&Amelia 253]

Our rules pretty much mirrored lookingfornow's.

 

1) No kissing

2) No seperate room play

3) We both play or it's a no-go

4) Condoms always

5) No anal

6) No bi-play for the guys

7) No "extreme" stuff (watersports, scat, animals, real pain)

8) No bondage or restraints for Amelia.

 

Rule #1 was the first to go. Having sex with somebody and not being able to kiss them just didn't feel right. And, once we got over our initial newbie jealousy worries, kissing wasn't a big deal anymore.

 

Rule #2 was the second to go. But we've only done it once and it really didn't thrill us at the time (but I chalk that up to the playmates at the time). We're willing to try it again, if the circumstances are right.

 

Rule #3 was unofficially abolished a while ago. Both Amelia and I have no problems with us playing separately with a very short list of people (at this point, only one other couple). But we're really good friends with them, and I have no concerns (for her safety or otherwise) if she wanted to spend some time with them for a little three-way fun if I was indisposed.

 

Rule #4 is one of those "More or less a strong guideline" rule. We did go bareback with another couple a very long time ago, but it's been years since we've played without condoms. But we're not ruling it out. If we really have a connection with a certain couple, and we trust them, we wouldn't mind playing bareback with them. But, generally speaking, the rule right now is "Condoms always during intercourse".

 

Rule #5 thought #8 is still fully in force.