Lifestyle Nightmare: Where Were the Hosts?

[Uomo 15]

My wife and I attended our first lifestyle event last night

 

We were soooo disappointed ... as were many others, I am certian.

 

We're not giving up on the lifestlye quite yet ... I want to believe what we experienced was the exception (to the rule). I need some insight from some of the veteran swingers:

 

We went to on off-site event in East Winsdor CT (Unique Diversions). On your (collective) advice, we arrived without any expectations, beyond having a good time. It was VERY good advice. My wife and I spent most of the evening dancing and talking with each other (we had fun) ... but that was about it. When the evening was over, I NOT dissappointed we didn't hook it up sexually (although it might have been nice) ... I was dissappointed that the event was so poorly run that our returning a second time ... would (quite frankly) be a waste of our time. We will NEVER go back. Here's why (and five suggestions for improvement):

 

1) NO MOVEMENT: Everybody sat down at tables spread out across the ballroom and hardly anybody moved from their seats. Whatever table a person sat at when they arrived ... that's where they were at the end of the night (no one was standing). I'd say that observation was accurate for about 90 percent of the crowd. I don't get it. I did not pay $75 to sit on my ass ... I want to move around and mingle with a crowd (think: cocktail party). I felt like I was at a wedding reception (or senior center) with some very bored relatives. Or here's another idea: put the bar on one side of the room and the buffet table on the other (i.e. give me a reason to cross the room if I am sitting on the side of the bar). Party 101. SUGGESTION NUMBER ONE: Spread out the refreshments and get rid of the tables.

 

2) NO HOSTS: When the new couples arrived, they were given a wrist band ... and that's was it. The hosts made absolutely no effort to get to know you, introduce you to the regulars ... or even to introduce you to other newcomers. It was an embarrassment. The "regulars" all grouped together at a few tables (seating 10 to a table) and the newcomers ... were pretty much left in the cold; most sat at empty tables (of 10) by themselves, or with one other couple (not moving). If the tables sat two or four to a table, I could have overcome this logistical oversight on my own (I'm not a shy person or hesistant to introduce); but my wife and I not going to crash a table of 10 regulars uninvited ... that's VERY awkward. A table of 10 might not have been so bad had the hosts introduced us to a member of the group who (in turn) might have invited us over (at which point, group introductions would have been simple) ... but let's be realistic: NO newcomer is going to spontaniously crash a table of 10 uninvited. The result? We newcomers felt like we were on the outside of someone else's party looking in -- and that's EXACTLY what it was. SUGGESTION NUMBER TWO: Make your guests feel comfortable by getting to know them and making some initial introductions (what a concept!). SUGGESTION NUMBER THREE: If you inisist on having tables (which I absolutely abhor), don't seat more than four to a table (so as to promote movement -- even among regulars) or ... (if tables of 10 are inevitable) don't set up more seats than you can fill (i.e make sure ALL of your guests sit at a full table).

 

3) NO ORGANIZED ACTIVITIES: I like to dance. When I go to dance lessons at Arthur Murray, we start off with one partner, dance for a while, then (on the instructor's cue) rotate to the next. It is an very easy way to get to know other people and break the ice. Did Anything like that happen at Unique Diversions? No. Everybody danced with their wives, returned to their tables, and danced with their wives again. Am I missing something? How hard is it to do something as simple as: let's get the ladies on one side of the floor, the guys on the other, pair off with someone new, and rotate? Not everyone need participate ... but for those of us who don't know anybody (and want to) ... we we're dying for something like this to happen. It never did. Or how about ladies choice? Or how about numbering each table, give people random table assignments and then have everybody rotate tables every half-hour? Something ... anything ... (nope): nothing. And here's another news flash: If I am a guy interested in going one on one with another guy's wife ... I don't necessarily want to introduce myself to the women with the guy sitting there giving me the evil eye ... and maybe she like a little space herself. Maybe we would be more comfortable meeting up for the first time on the dance floor (or by way or some other activity) apart from our respective spouses. I'm a very good looking guy. If I can get some one-on-one time with Mrs. Right Now, we will probably hit it off (in which case, Mrs. Right-Now will likely give her hubby a royal ass chewing if he attempts a double-standard). In other words: you have to find ways to break the couples up. It's not going to happen on its own. I'm not going to leave my wife all alone at a table by herself while I go on the prowl looking for someone's wife (another argument for scrapping tables). And if the wives are glued to their husbands' sides ... it can frustrate an otherwise good time. SUGGESTION NUMBER FOUR: Organize a series of group activities (or rotating seating plans) to make sure your guests are meeting new people, uninhibited and having fun.

 

4) LOUSY DANCE SET-UP: The dance floor was too big and the music too fast. If I am planning on getting intimate with some unfamiliar person (or anyone for that matter) ... why do I want to be breaking a sweat on the dance floor, tearing it up to up-tempo work-out music? News-Flash: Sweaty guys on the dance floor is NOT a turn-on (and vice versa)! Sensual music: Good. Slow dancing: Very Good. Bubble-Pop-Electric: Dead-on-arrivial. Here's another FYI: Most guys don't want to ask a girl out onto the dance floor for the first time to an up-tempo song. It's a fact: we are better at slow dances than fast. The music was way too fast for most of the evening. It should should have been the reverse. And as far as the dance floor goes (at a swinger party): less is more (the smaller -- the better) If the dance floor is too big for the typical crowd occupying the floor ... human nature, being what it is, everyone will spread themselves out in relative proportion (and that's exactly what happened). If the dance floor is small, you can move in close, brush up against, etc. etc. and nobody feels afronted. We aren't really here to dance, are we? There was a good ten feet seperating each of the dancers. In that context, I did not feel comfortable moving in on another person's space (and neither did anyone else, it appeared). That's not good. At this event, we were renting a hotel conference center. Granted, the hosts could not simply tear up the floor ... but they could have set up tables on part of it (or otherwise blocked it off); in other words: they could have made it smaller. They did not. In fact: the conference room was itself too big (think intimate settings: not a football field for 80). A room half that size would have been much, much better. Again: less is more. I'm at a lifestyle event: I don't want my space! SUGGESTION NUMBER FIVE: Play slow or medium-tempo sensual music (keep your guests smelling shower fresh), and keep the spaces (and dance floor) small.

 

So ... what's the concensus? Is what I expereinced a typical night at a typical lifestyle event ... or did I simply go to an event that was very poorly run and not too well-thought out?

 

I'd like to think (just as I would not stop going to restaurants because I have one bad night out) that this was the exception to the rule. But I'm not looking for encouragement. Just honesty.

 

I'm reminded of something former Disney CEO Michael Eisner once said: The problem with success is that it tends to make you forget what is was that made you successful in the first place. I think that's what happened here.

 

I'm going to another lifesytle event in a few weeks ... but it won't be with this group. The evening wasn't a disappointment ... the organization was.

[Spoomonkey 421]

The set up you describe sounds pretty bad. A club/party has to have some flow to it - a reason for people to move around and mingle. We hardly sit down ourselves on club night.

 

We went to a club with some friends (Mr and Mrs Good Times from here on the board) and there was a lot more sitting than we were used to. So much so, that I ended up kind of standing by the table most of the night. I tend to be pretty energetic and sitting is hard for me - unless I am at home, in which case, sitting on my ass is a given

 

It is hard to discuss music, because what your idea of up-tempo is might be pretty sensual to others. But, I will say, I enjoy fast dancing and consider myself better at that than slow - not that I am all that good at either - I just find faster dancing is more fun for my female partners, and that is why I dance.

 

I do disagree with this part, though:

 

In other words: you have to find ways to break the couples up. It's not going to happen on its own.

 

For most folks, swinging is a couples thing. We "prowl" - as you put it - together. In our club, we are very comfortable, know lot of folks and get into our own conversations. But when we are looking, we are together.

 

I respect men who can come up and talk to me - guys who wait until I have wandered off to approach Mrs Spoomonkey are immediately nixed off of our list of potentials. First, they give us the "can't be trusted" vibe - and second, it seems a little cowardly.

 

It may be your thing to prowl and play seperate, but most couples do those things together.

 

Choreographing opportunities for you to dance with, talk to, connect with someone new seems very... Junior high...

 

While a better set up might have made it more friendly, the responsibility to say hi to someone is yours, not the host's.

 

Spoomonkey

[Pepper & Drew 384]

To me, it sounds like your perception of what an off-premises party is was a little off.

 

1) NO MOVEMENT: Everybody sat down at tables spread out across the ballroom and hardly anybody moved from their seats. Whatever table a person sat at when they arrived ... that's where they were at the end of the night (no one was standing). I'd say that observation was accurate for about 90 percent of the crowd. I don't get it. I did not pay $75 to sit on my ass ... I want to move around and mingle with a crowd.....Party 101. SUGGESTION NUMBER ONE: Spread out the refreshments and get rid of the tables.

 

If you didn't want to sit on your ass, you could certainly mingle. I agree that some set-ups are more conducive to mingling than others, but we've been to socials in the same room and one night everyone's mingling, and another night most people are glued to their chairs.

2) NO HOSTS: When the new couples arrived, they were given a wrist band ... and that's was it. The hosts made absolutely no effort to get to know you, introduce you to the regulars ... or even to introduce you to other newcomers. It was an embarrassment. The "regulars" all grouped together at a few tables (seating 10 to a table) and the newcomers ... were pretty much left in the cold; most sat at empty tables (of 10) by themselves, or with one other couple (not moving). If the tables sat two or four to a table, I could have overcome this logistical oversight on my own (I'm not a shy person or hesistant to introduce); but my wife and I not going to crash a table of 10 regulars uninvited ... that's VERY awkward. A table of 10 might not have been so bad had the hosts introduced us to a member of the group who (in turn) might have invited us over (at which point, group introductions would have been simple) ... but let's be realistic: NO newcomer is going to spontaniously crash a table of 10 uninvited. The result? We newcomers felt like we were on the outside of someone else's party looking in -- and that's EXACTLY what it was. SUGGESTION NUMBER TWO: Make your guests feel comfortable by getting to know them and making some initial introductions (what a concept!). SUGGESTION NUMBER THREE: If you inisist on having tables (which I absolutely abhor), don't seat more than four to a table (so as to promote movement -- even among regulars) or ... (if tables of 10 are inevitable) don't set up more seats than you can fill (i.e make sure ALL of your guests sit at a full table).

Was there a newbie info session advertised or was this just general admission? If it were the regular admission time, I don't see how the host would have time to lead you and each new couple by the hand to introduce you to people. And, don't set up more seats than you can fill? How would the host know that before the party? Besides that, if I paid $75 bucks, you're not going to tell me that I MUST sit at X table so that the table will be full.

3) NO ORGANIZED ACTIVITIES: How hard is it to do something as simple as: let's get the ladies on one side of the floor, the guys on the other, pair off with someone new, and rotate? Not everyone need participate ... but for those of us who don't know anybody (and want to) ... we we're dying for something like this to happen. It never did. Or how about ladies choice? Or how about numbering each table, give people random table assignments and then have everybody rotate tables every half-hour? Something ... anything ... (nope): nothing. SUGGESTION NUMBER FOUR: Organize a series of group activities (or rotating seating plans) to make sure your guests are meeting new people, uninhibited and having fun.

To me, this sounds like a seventh grade birthday party where the parents have to try to get the boys and girls to stop acting like the other sex has cooties. If we see someone we want to meet, we go up to them and start a conversation. If we went somewhere and they had table assignments and rotating tables, we'd be out of there, pronto.

4) LOUSY DANCE SET-UP: The dance floor was too big and the music too fast. If the dance floor is small, you can move in close, brush up against, etc. etc. and nobody feels afronted. SUGGESTION NUMBER FIVE: Play slow or medium-tempo sensual music (keep your guests smelling shower fresh), and keep the spaces (and dance floor) small.

Actually, nothing bothers me more than a guy who thinks that they're being slick in copping a feel and pretending it was an unintentional "brush up". If you like me, please come talk to me. Ask me to dance. I'll let you know whether I'm interested or not.

So ... what's the concensus? Is what I expereinced a typical night at a typical lifestyle event ... or did I simply go to an event that was very poorly run and not too well-thought out?

Actually, I think you went to what is pretty normal for an off-premises event, at least in our area. I think the problem lies in the expectations of what you thought it would be. What you are describing, to me, sounds like a house party. It's smaller, more intimate, more likely to have "hands-on" hostessing and some of the things you wanted: smaller dance floor, introductions, more mingling opportunities.

 

I'm going to another lifesytle event in a few weeks ... but it won't be with this group. The evening wasn't a disappointment ... the organization was.

 

Before you go to another event, make sure you understand what the set-up will be before you get there. That way, you can decide before you get there and spend the money whether it's an event that will appeal to you.

 

Pepper

[WildMiCouple 325]

Uomo, this sounds pretty much like the standard off-premise event. But what we've found is, you have to be outgoing and put some effort in at these events to meet people. Get up and move around. Chat with others while you're .....waiting to get drinks, in line getting buffet munchies, washing hands in the bathroom

 

You pretty much have to make the first move when your newbies at a dance. Next time, don't be afraid to "case the joint" when you first walk in to pick out where you want to sit. If you see a table for ten with eight people at it.....mosey on up and ask if these two seats are taken.

 

There's never been any organized activities at the various dances we go to. And the hosts have never introduced us or others on their first visit. But, perhaps next time, ask them.

 

The more you go, the more comfortible you'll feel. And before you know it.....you'll be one of the regulars. And as far as your suggestions, let the hosts know. Maybe they'll impliment some of them.

 

Brett

[Uomo 15]

I appreciate the honest feedback (albeit not what I was hoping to hear).

 

I think I'm going to head back out onto the singles scene (undercover).

 

My observations are that the lifestyle is male dominanted. Men looking to swap ... or men are looking for a bi-female. What I don't see are liberated women going off to play without their husbands. So much for women's lib.

 

I'm a fit male model, highly-educated, early-thirties, deisgner wardwobe, drive a Jag, romanitc and sensual ... few women would turn me down, were the decision left completely up to them. But do you know what? No husband in that room (as far as I can see) is going to let their wives off to play with me without my giving him something in return (i.e. my wife). My wife ... just likes to watch (in other words: I've got nothing to trade). As I see it, I've got as much chance of scoring in the lifestyle as a single man ... and that ain't much. Correct me if I am wrong? I don't think that I am. There appears to be a clear double standard. The deck is stacked against me.

 

I was kind of hoping the swinging scene would work out. I don't like to be dishonest (sweet-talking single women with fanciful stories about our future lives together and dancing around my marital status) ... and yet single-women just don't seem to be all that interested in relationships of convenience (I don't know how it is so many ladies comforrtably manage to go without sex for months or years just because they haven't yet found Mr. Right). As frustrating as it is ... based on what I've seen, and what I'm hearing ... I've probably got better odds with the a-sexual single ladies (with no possessive men). Or maybe I should just start randomly hitting on married women (i.e. swinging without the male half)?

 

In any event, that's what I think I'm going to do. Anyone think I'm making a mistake? Or is this the right route for me, given what you know?

[Spoomonkey 421]

In any event, that's what I think I'm going to do. Anyone think I'm making a mistake? Or is this the right route for me, given what you know?

 

Well - you obviously don't understand swinging in the least... So I am guessing it is your only option.

 

Not trying to be harsh, but honest here...

 

It has nothing to do with possessive husbands or the jag that you drive. Couples tend to play together. Hit on my wife behind my back - hoping that she will sneak away with you because you are such a "catch" is faulty thinking at best...

 

Your assumption is that if not for the "evil husbands and their rediculous rules" women would be flinging themselves at you... The truth is, my wife would tell you the same thing I am telling you - "we play together." It is what she wants as well as me.

 

You really are no different than the single guy who comes to a club assuming that the wives are there looking for some "bigger and better deal". Ask the average wife on here - and she's pretty convinced that you won't be able to top her husband... Ask the average husband around here - and you'll find they aren't in the least bit threatened by some arrogant fellow who loves himself a bit too much...

 

You may do well in the singles scene - if you are okay with the neccessary level of dishonesty involved. But it is no wonder you didn't enjoy the swinging scene. If you don't see strong, liberated women - and do see "double standards" and husbands simply looking to "make a trade" you aren't a particularly perceptive person.

 

So - again - I think your plan is probably the best, because you don't get swinging or the couples (husbands/wives) involved.

 

Spoomonkey

[Uomo 15]

Again, I appreciate the blunt & honest assessment. You (and the Mrs. Spoomonkey) have always given me very thoughful feedback.

[bear_and_babe 68]

I agree with Spoomonkey on this one, you really don't understand the lifestyle very well. I have so many coments to make, so I am just going to throw them out in a random order.

 

I play with single men, however, the single men I play with are very respectful of my husband and of me. The wrong way to approach a woman is to wait for her husband to leave. Most of the single men I play with approach my husband, introduce themselves to him first, then to me. They understand that I am not trying to replace my husband.

 

We also play together. You will find most couples do, so getting upset that couples want to play with other couples is just silly. Again, just shows that you don't understand the lifestyle.

 

The wrong way to try to impress me is to tell me how wonderful you are, what car you drive, how educated you are...well, let's just say this, you are not going to get anywhere tooting your own horn.

 

If you tell people that you are single and you are not, well that is just lying and you will find that swingers can not stand people who lie, or cheat for that matter. If you try to fit yourself into the lifestyle as a single guy even though you are married I can tell you it is not going to work. Word will get out you are married and you will get even less play. And what kind of respect are you showing your wife if you do that?

 

I think that you should just step away from the lifestyle. You seem to not understand how it works. And if your wife is not really into it, then maybe she is trying to tell you something. As a couple, you will have problems if only one of you is interested in playing. I guess what I am saying is quit being so selfish and talk with your wife and figure out where to go from here.

 

So much for this "liberated woman's" thoughts.

[Pepper & Drew 384]

My observations are that the lifestyle is male dominanted. Men looking to swap ... or men are looking for a bi-female. What I don't see are liberated women going off to play without their husbands. So much for women's lib.

 

I'm a fit male model, highly-educated, early-thirties, deisgner wardwobe, drive a Jag, romanitc and sensual ... few women would turn me down, were the decision left completely up to them. But do you know what? No husband in that room (as far as I can see) is going to let their wives off to play with me without my giving him something in return (i.e. my wife). My wife ... just likes to watch (in other words: I've got nothing to trade). As I see it, I've got as much chance of scoring in the lifestyle as a single man ... and that ain't much. Correct me if I am wrong? I don't think that I am. There appears to be a clear double standard. The deck is stacked against me.

I'm a fit, female model, highly-educated, late twenties, designer wardrobe and drive a VW beetle (just in case you wanted to know) and I wouldn't touch you with a 10 foot pole. I know....it's shocking....

 

Forgive me for mocking you a little, but to assume that women wouldn't turn you down if it were left up to them is insulting to women's intellegence, and probably precisely why you've had no luck.

 

First, it sounds as if you were expecting women to swoon upon your entrance to the social, falling over themselves to introduce themselves to you, and then, upon you selecting the "lucky girl", she should immediately tell her husband 'see ya' and head off with you in your wife alone or, the other appealing option: he should come along and sit stiffly in the corner while your wife is off limits just to watch the two of you go at it. Sounds like a good time.... :rollseyes

 

Second, did it ever occur to you that couples want to find bi-females so that the liberated woman can play with another woman? All three can play together and no one is left out. Now, THAT is liberating.

 

Third, in swinging, it doesn't matter what car you drive. She's not going home with you and she's not getting any of your money anyway. This is not a search for a marriage partner, it's a search for a sex partner. What matters is what kind of lover you are, and since you seem to be uninterested in anything other than what's in it for you, many would mark you off there list at that point. Selfish lovers are not good lovers. Most liberated women feel like they are worth of getting as good as their getting.

 

Fourth, I'm convinced that the majority of griping that comes from single males comes from single males that don't "get it". I can name 7 couples that we know that prefer single males, and we don't know THAT many couples. So, if in that small cross section of swingers we know single males and the couples that like them, I don't think ALL single males have terrible luck in the hook-up department. So, your chances of "scoring" may not be as good as it is for some single males.

 

So, to answer your question, yes, I absolutely think going back to finding single women is the best way to go for you. There's far to many liberated women in the lifestyle that would probably be turned off by you and your attitude.

 

Pepper

[pumpkins1970 17]

Wow...no wonder you had such high expectations and were dissappointed by your visit to the off-premise event...you have no idea what swinging is. Hmm, I thought if you had been reading any posts here at all you might, but sadly you don't. Mr Pump

[Uomo 15]

I'm a fit, female model, highly-educated, late twenties, designer wardrobe and drive a VW beetle (just in case you wanted to know) and I wouldn't touch you with a 10 foot pole. I know....it's shocking....

 

Forgive me for mocking you a little, but to assume that women wouldn't turn you down if it were left up to them is insulting to women's intellegence, and probably precisely why you've had no luck.

 

I can name 7 couples that we know that prefer single males, and we don't know THAT many couples. So, if in that small cross section of swingers we know single males and the couples that like them, I don't think ALL single males have terrible luck in the hook-up department.

 

So, to answer your question, yes, I absolutely think going back to finding single women is the best way to go for you. There's far to many liberated women in the lifestyle that would probably be turned off by you and your attitude.

 

Pepper

 

Thank you, again, for your thoughful response. Yes, I forgive the mocking (actually, I apprecaite it -- it is well deserved). In real life, I am not the arrogant a-hole I appear to be here. Of course ... some women would turn me down ... clearly no one in the lifestyle would give a shit what type of car I drive ... and yes, I think you WOULD touch me with a 10 foot pole (I would never come right out and express these kinds of sentiments in real life). I'm just giving an honest assessment of my situation so as to elicit meaningful feedback (even if it comes across as arrogance).

 

Say what you will about women's liberation ... I just not buying it. I do not beleive most women swing with the partners out of uninhibited choice. I still believe there is an underlying element of implicit compulsion (along with a healthy dose of female denial). Are there exceptions? Sure. Could I be 100 percent wrong? ABSOLUTELY. I'm brand new and just going with my gut; throwing it out into the universe for some feedback from those in the know.

 

Quite interesting ... what you said about single males and the couples you know. Maybe I am a poor first read of the lifestyle? It's quite possible ...

 

What to do ...?

[Uomo 15]

 

I play with single men, however, the single men I play with are very respectful of my husband and of me. The wrong way to approach a woman is to wait for her husband to leave. Most of the single men I play with approach my husband, introduce themselves to him first, then to me. They understand that I am not trying to replace my husband.

 

The wrong way to try to impress me is to tell me how wonderful you are, what car you drive, how educated you are...well, let's just say this, you are not going to get anywhere tooting your own horn.

 

If you try to fit yourself into the lifestyle as a single guy even though you are married I can tell you it is not going to work. Word will get out you are married and you will get even less play. And what kind of respect are you showing your wife if you do that?

 

I appreciate your advice on approaching. I'm hearing that sentiment voiced often. It must be true.

 

You are correct ... arrogance is not sexy. I can appreciate that (and express myself quite differently in real life).

 

No ... I was not suggesting that I lie about my marital status. My reference to my being a single guy was just an analogy. My wife knows everything. In fact, she and I were hoping the lifestyle would work out. She would prefer I be honest with a consenting adult ... then date (and perhaps bend the truth). Not quite sure what to do. From what I'm getting back by way of responses, as relates to the lifestyle, maybe I've been a little too quick to judge? I'd certainly like to think so (and hope I was).

 

So much thoughtful feedback ... you guys (and gals) are the best.

[Uomo 15]

Pepper,

 

When I referred to your touching me with a ten foot pole ... I was (of course) referring to your husband's Ouch!

[Pepper & Drew 384]

Say what you will about women's liberation ... I just not buying it. I do not beleive most women swing with the partners out of uninhibited choice. I still believe there is an underlying element of implicit compulsion (along with a healthy dose of female denial). Are there exceptions? Sure. Could I be 100 percent wrong? ABSOLUTELY. I'm brand new and just going with my gut; throwing it out into the universe for some feedback from those in the know.

 

Maybe I am a poor first read of the lifestyle? It's quite possible ...

 

What to do ...?

 

OK, don't buy it. If it makes you feel better to pretend that women are only going along with their husbands and are secretly dying to be with you, that's fine. Perhaps you, as someone who has attended one event and never swung is far more perceptive than those of us who are in actually in the lifestyle, or even better, are actually women.

 

What should you do? I would think you would be perceptive enough to figure out your next move on your own.

 

Pepper

[bear_and_babe 68]

Say what you will about women's liberation ... I just not buying it. I do not beleive most women swing with the partners out of uninhibited choice. I still believe there is an underlying element of implicit compulsion (along with a healthy dose of female denial). Are there exceptions? Sure. Could I be 100 percent wrong? ABSOLUTELY. I'm brand new and just going with my gut; throwing it out into the universe for some feedback from those in the know.

 

 

Ok, let me see if I got this straight. You go to your first lifestyle event, and off-premise dance and you think because you were not jumped as soon as you walked in the door that all the women there were being held back by their controlling husbands? Is that how you feel? Even though you think you were the best looking man in the room, that all the women should have been at your feet begging you to play with them? Do I have this right? If that is the way you feel, then you really don’t know what the lifestyle is about.

 

There is a saying in the lifestyle: “The men get their women into the lifestyle, but it is the women who keep the men in the lifestyle”. Ask any long term swinger, they will tell you this lifestyle is driven by the women. Most couples that we know, us included, nothing happens unless the women want it to. As I stated before, I do play with single men, and I chose who I play with, Bear does have veto power, but he never tells me no for no good reason. And on the flip side, he never forces me to play with someone who I don’t want to play with. I don’t care how good looking a guy is, I am not going to play with him just on looks alone. Personalities are more important to me.

 

You are getting flamed a little here, and I think you are taking it well. I would suggest that you take some time and read the posts on this board. You will learn a lot.

[twobears 16]

Well my simple note is to let you know that I am a bi female and the lifestyle has helped us give up that last small little space of ourselves to each other first!! Our out look on things is always as a couple, the respect that a woman gets from males who know what the lifestyle is about, is one of your departments you are missing. Read some books too, wouldn't hurt. We studied all winter last year and talk about all our very private feeling, wouldn't give up one moment of that time together has open up a whole new world of feeling and love and respect for each other, I hope you get the right out look on things. Each of us is the last one in line, our mate or partner is always first thought for their pleasure not our on and sometimes when we see the world throught the eyes of our mate, that is really freedom from our own self. To have a heart that is full of love and respect not only for the one we love but respect for all the lovely female creation that is yours to enjoy but only after you have given your mate the freedom she should have to be a hot lover to her own sex too, boy that is something, to be yourself and we all try to be better human being to each other in or out of the lifestyle. Good Luck on your changes!!

[Uomo 15]

You are getting flamed a little here, and I think you are taking it well. I would suggest that you take some time and read the posts on this board. You will learn a lot.

 

Flamed ... is too kind a word. I'm ashes in an on-line urn.

 

I read every post carefully and try to learn as much as I can. You are the experts -- not me. The fact is ... these are all very real concerns, so I'm laying it all out on the table, even if it isn't P.C. If I am wrong ... tell me why (and don't hold back). Even when someone tells me to go jump off a bridge, there is an implicit message there. I won't jump off a bridge ... but its nice to know someone is willing to push me. The fact is: you are all making a fool of me, and I'd like to think that we all (myself included) are richer for the experience. I'm quickly learning that I don't know much about the lifestyle ... and may need to give it a second look (with a new perspective). Thanks for the education.

[TNT 1,155]

Good Grief! So many things to comment on, I have no idea where to start...

 

The off-premise event:

 

1) No Movement: Sometimes this happens and sometimes not. The mingling that you were looking for all depends on the crowd that is present on any given night. What we have found is that it usually only takes one person to get a party started. Someone has to be the first to get up and start dancing, talking, mingling.

 

2)No Host: This one I tend to agree with you on...I do believe that a good host/hostess will roam the room and interact with their guest. But, it is NOT the host/hostess total responsibility to make sure that you get out of your seat and introduce yourself to others. Every club/social that we have ever been to had a new couple’s orientation (usually about 30 minutes prior to the actual event starting) where those that are new were given a tour, given the chance to ask questions and the rules of the event were gone over, as well as a chance for the newbies to at least learn each other’s name. I’m sorry the event you went to did not have this.

 

As far as tables...well, they are kind of a necessity...I need somewhere to set my drink when I’m on the dance floor and I’ve been the new person at enough events I have no problem crashing a table of 10 to say “Hi, how are ya’ll doing tonight?...Looks like ya’ll are having a good time”. The thing to remember is DON’T get pissed if you sit at a table all night and no one comes up to talk to you...get up off your butt, take the initiative and go introduce yourself to someone.

 

3) No organized events: Well, very few socials have any kind of organized events. There are a few that do play a few ice breaker games and these are great for getting people up and moving about...the thing I have found when it comes to games is that they’re good for getting the party started, but I really hate it when things are hopping really good and everything stops for a darn game to be played...but that’s just my opinion.

 

If I am a guy interested in going one on one with another guy's wife ... I don't necessarily want to introduce myself to the women with the guy sitting there giving me the evil eye .

 

I had to comment on this...that is the most sleaziest way of thinking I have ever read...if you can’t introduce yourself to me in the presence of my husband (news flash... he knows I have sex with other men) then what makes you think it’s okay to do so when he’s not around? You’re at a swingers event...sex and talking to other people are what we do....we don’t sneak around behind our spouse’s back.. Those that do are showing very little respect for others.

 

4) Lousy Dance Set-up: Having run a social before I will tell you that this is one thing you will never please everyone with. The best you can do is try and play a variety of different types of music and even then, you’re still going to have those who hate everything that is played. The best mix in my opinion is a few fast songs...bring it down with a few slow songs and then take it back up with some more fast ones. Dance floor: There are times when an acre wouldn’t be big enough and times when a postage stamp is too big...you just never know.

 

My consensus of your first lifestyle event (from your description)..yes, it could have been better but...you will only have as much fun as you want to have.

 

To some of your other comments:

 

My observations are that the lifestyle is male dominated.

 

Well, you obviously have not observed very well...Swinging is run by the women. Ask any husband who runs the show and he will tell you his wife does...the husband is usually just glad to be along for the ride.

 

As far as women going off and playing without their husband...I have permission to do so anytime I want...I choose not to because I like having my husband with me . There are couples who play separately , but unless you take the time to get to know them, you’ll never know this.

 

After reading your posts I’m not sure exactly what you are looking for in swinging. You say that your wife does not play...is this her choice or your’s? What exactly is the play scenario you are looking for ? You playing with another man’s wife (without him present) with your wife watching? A threesome with you and a couple and your wife watching? What are you wanting?

 

You seem to be pissed because the wives didn’t leave their husbands to go play with you and that it was because their husband’s wouldn’t let them. Have you ever thought that maybe it was the wife’s choice NOT to play without their husband? Afterall, you say your wife does not want to play, just watch (I’m assuming it’s her choice and not one you have demanded of her), why is it so hard for you to grasp that other women make their own choices in the swinging lifestyle?

 

 

Teresa

[Uomo 15]

 

After reading your posts I’m not sure exactly what you are looking for in swinging. You say that your wife does not play...is this her choice or your’s? What exactly is the play scenario you are looking for ? You playing with another man’s wife (without him present) with your wife watching? A threesome with you and a couple and your wife watching? What are you wanting?

 

Teresa

 

Thank you for all of your thoughtful comments.

 

As regards my wife: it's completely her call what she does or does not do. I would be a complete hypocrite any other way, and the truth of the matter is ... I have absolutely no reservations about what she does (I might even enjoy watching myself). The key is: whatever makes her comfortable. I'm not going to pressure her to do anything she doesn't want to do. I'd like to think she might have a little fun herself were the mood right (soft swinging, or otherwise). It's her call.

 

What scenario am I looking for? Ideally: One-on-one intimacy (in private). After a while, I'd be fine with an audience of spouses (or even a MFM). I think letting her watch might even make the lifestyle more enticing (and less threatening). But insofar as I've never dated before marriage ... (call me crazy, but ...) I want it to be special (or at least feel special) ... I want to feel comfortable and enjoy the experience. I don't know if I could do that with an audience in the room. At least, not at first. I think, however, in good time, I would like my wife (or him) to watch (I think it would spice things up for us and be fun). If she (or he) wanted to participate ... again, that's fine too. But at the outset ... I want to go at a comfortable pace and set an intimate tone one-on-one. I'm not looking for porn-style sex (not, at least, at the outset) ... I'm looking for something sensual, passionate, and maybe even romantic. Long kisses, message, extended foreplay ... I want to get in touch with my feelings. I think it could be wonderful. I'm just not sure if what I am seeking is realistic. I'm lost in the woods searching for answers. You are all helping me through.

[JustAskJulie 2,595]

If what you want is one on one and you aren't comfortable dealing with someone's husband then I definately agree that you should go back and try the single/bar scene. You'll have much more luck there. As Teresa said, while there are many wives who do play one on one (and who's husbands don't mind) for most the idea of a guy coming in and saying that is the only way it's going to be, it just won't happen. You might get some level of chance at an on-premise club, but even then it really depends on the people you encounter. So, if it's one on one you crave and your wife has no desire to participate in anything then yes swinging is not the avenue for you.

[BiloxiCouple 695]

looking for something sensual, passionate, and maybe even romantic

Don't look for this here. From this post you are looking for a relationship that isn't swinging. If you got romantic with my spouse...

 

Yes you can be friends. But the other stuff is sex. You aren't making love to her. It's sex. There is a difference.

 

But insofar as I've never dated before marriage ...

Our relationship was short before we got married, but we dated before marriage.

 

The off/on premise clubs are what YOU make of them. They offer YOU the opportunity to meet people. Yes I have seen many people not get up and introduce themselves or mingle. It's their fault.

 

I read your post here and the replies and I agree with the replies to your situation here. You need to leave the attitude at home. Talk to your mate and figure out what you both want with this lifestyle.

 

Most of this post was about you. When I feel it should be about everyone around you. Swinging is a small group of people others figure out quickly what you are up to. If you keep thinking the way you are now you may find it difficult to be in this lifestyle.

 

I am not usually this negative, but this particular thread has irritated me.

 

So, grow up. Life isn't just about you.

 

Billy

[Uomo 15]

From this post you are looking for a relationship that isn't swinging. If you got romantic with my spouse...

 

I am not usually this negative, but this particular thread has irritated me.

 

So, grow up. Life isn't just about you.

 

Billy

 

Ouch !!

 

That's kind of what I'm afraid of ... I most certainly AM looking to "get romantic" with your spouse ... and (here's goes nothing) ... I'm fairly confident in saying I'm much better at it than most men (and I do speak from some experience here). I think that most men would get freaked out if they saw me romancing (and getting privately intmate with) their wives. You are right ... I don't want sex ... I want to make love (or something close to it) ... and if the little lady gets used to "making love" and she isn't getting it from her man ... that's a problem.

 

Now don't get me wrong here ... I don't know a damn thing about your love-life. Maybe you are a magnificent candleight lover? But most men ... are not. Good at sex (hopefully) ... but not so good at making love. How do you win over a married woman? Become to her everything ... her husband is not. I know it works. I've played this game for fun before (with limits). It works like magic.

 

That's why I still have a hard time envisioning success in the lifestyle (notwithstanding uplifting accounts such as Pepper's expereinces with single males). I am looking to take intimacy to a level where most couples in the lifestyle (quite frankly) would probably be uncomfortable. Again, correct me if I am wrong? How many men would let their wives run away on a sensual date with Mr. tall, dark handsome and successful? I think my approach is well-suited for the desperate housewives set ... but I think its beyond the bounds of a comfortable swing. Hell, even the women might be a little uncomfortable here (... but I also think there are those who would prefer it).

 

Thoughts? ( ... here come the daggers, for certain).

[TNT 1,155]

You might be surprised at how suave and debonair some of us can be... to our spouses. It's just not appropriate to do that to anyone elses wife. In many ways you would just come across as Pepe LePew.

 

 

Ted

[AZ Dreaming 15]

I am not going to waste more of my day writing up a long post to you. Frankly, I have wasted enough time reading this thread.

 

As others have said you just don't "get" what this lifestyle is all about! I "make love" to my husband, I have sex with playmates. PERIOD!

 

I am not doing this to "get romantic" with other men. I am doing this to have new experiences with other people and to have a great time with my husband!

[jennandjamesinm 87]

As a rule, swingers don't play mind games and you will find yourself on the outside looking in.

 

Or even a better suggestion - stop realizing that the world doesn't owe you anything, be the spectacular lover that you think you are to your wife, and spark it up with her, before she leaves you.

[WildMiCouple 325]

That's kind of what I'm afraid of ... I most certainly AM looking to "get romantic" with your spouse ... and (here's goes nothing) ... I'm fairly confident in saying I'm much better at it than most men (and I do speak from some experience here). I think that most men would get freaked out if they saw me romancing (and getting privately intmate with) their wives. You are right ... I don't want sex ... I want to make love (or something close to it) ... and if the little lady gets used to "making love" and she isn't getting it from her man ... that's a problem.

Sounds to me like you're looking for something outside your marriage that you don't have within. If I were you, Uomo, I'd work on my own relationship with my wife before I started looking outside it.

 

Brett

[Uomo 15]

I am not going to waste more of my day writing up a long post to you. ... I am not doing this to "get romantic" with other men. I am doing this to have new experiences with other people and to have a great time with my husband!

 

All I am saying is: different strokes for different folks. If "sex" is what you want ... then that works for you. It does not work that well for me. It does not mean either one of us is wrong for feeling the way we do. We are just looking for something different out of the experience. What I am trying to do is just get a general feel for the "lifestyle" sentiment. Am I out here all alone ... or are there a fair nunber of members in the lifestyle looking for something more out of an outside encounter (like me)? That's all.

 

I think its an excellent thread because these are real issues that need to be discussed ... there are others (not in the lifestyle) who (like me) are or will be considering the lifestyle for something along the lines of what I am seeking. I can guarantee you they will get a lot of useful insight from this thread, given the high response rate and detailed answers. Swinging is what it is ... and I can't make it into what it's not. I am happily married ... but that does not mean I cannot also love another with my heart (even if just in the moment). I know this is may be an a-typical male sentiment: but if the lifestyle doesn't have a place for the hopelessly romantic man ... you can gladly count me out -- "Pepe Le-Uomo"

[Chicup 42]

All I am saying is: different strokes for different folks. If "sex" is what you want ... then that works for you. It does not work that well for me. It does not mean either one of us is wrong for feeling the way we do. We are just looking for something different out of the experience. What I am trying to do is just get a general feel for the "lifestyle" sentiment. Am I out here all alone ... or are there a fair nunber of members in the lifestyle looking for something more out of an outside encounter (like me)? That's all.

 

So is your wife looking for romantic love outside of your relationship at well?

 

It sounds like you are looking to basically have an affair with permission, which would be an open marriage. Most of us swingers would never be happy with an open marriage so you will find little luck here.

[Uomo 15]

Sounds to me like you're looking for something outside your marriage that you don't have within. If I were you, Uomo, I'd work on my own relationship with my wife before I started looking outside it.

 

Brett

 

Good advice ... but I'm not sure that alone will do the trick.

 

My marriage is fine. The experience I seek is a fleeting trek down a fork in the road not travelled. What life might have been, had fate taken a different direction ... that's all. A romantic fantasy or escape. I don't want to steal your wife from you (forever) ... just for a few hours, an evening (or two).

 

That doesn't sit all too well with you, now does it? No ... I didn't think so. But give me this much: I'm honest. Honest to a fault.

 

Good general advice. Thanks -- Uomo

[Uomo 15]

It sounds like you are looking to basically have an affair with permission, which would be an open marriage.

 

BULLS-EYE.

 

About "my lifestyle" not being welcomed in "the" lifestyle: You are probably right. Time to move on.

[WildMiCouple 325]

What life might have been, had fate taken a different direction ... that's all. A romantic fantasy or escape. I don't want to steal your wife from you (forever) ... just for a few hours, an evening (or two)

Ahhhhhhh.....good ole fate. The convenient way to say it's not your fault, as it was pre-destined :rollseyes Uomo, the choices one makes in life dictates which roads you travel. And it looks like your choosing the low road

 

A romantic fantasy or escape. I don't want to steal your wife from you (forever) ... just for a few hours, an evening (or two).

 

That doesn't sit all too well with you, now does it? No ... I didn't think so.

Makes not one bit of difference to me. I do know that Tammy would certainly put you in your place, once she saw through you BS

 

But give me this much: I'm honest. Honest to a fault.

One good virtue does not excuse an ugly one.

 

Brett

[Spoomonkey 421]

I'm fairly confident in saying I'm much better at it than most men (and I do speak from some experience here). Now don't get me wrong here ... I don't know a damn thing about your love-life.

 

Maybe that's why Mrs Spoomonkey cries herself to sleep every night...

 

 

Just kidding... This thread begs a sense of humor if one is to keep reading it...

 

I am afraid that - if you really think that swinging husbands are threatened by you, and therefore not allowing their wives to get out of their sight - then you are truely delusional...

 

Mrs Spoomonkey read this and asked "where in the world is he getting the evidence for this type of generalization?" My answer - I have no idea... But I suspect you are making it up to overinflate your ego...

 

Seriously, Don Juan types are a dime a dozen... You're only special in your own mind, I'm afraid...

 

What bothers me most about your post is not that you have some bizarre belief that you are a love god of sorts - but what this does say about the relationship you DO have at home. I have to say that - while I do have some great sex with playmates from time to time - I would never have the energy to make love to anyone else... The 24 hours per day that I spend making love to my wife doesn't allow me the time...

 

Making love is more than candles and wine - those things are easy and can even by picked up at a truck stop... Making love is something you do with your entire life - all of yourself, given to another. It is hard to splash that around...

 

Spoomonkey

[WildMiCouple 325]

Making love is more than candles and wine - those things are easy and can even by picked up at a truck stop

Note to self......stop at the truck stop next time I'm romancing the wife

 

Brett

[good times 991]

I agree with what the others have said so will only make one other comment about your off-premise club visit.

 

If your wife is not into swinging it is usually pretty obvious, even from clear across a room. We can spot couples with a reluctant spouse within minutes of their arrival at the club and have noticed that most club patrons will avoid these couples like the plague. So it is no surprise to me, given you and your wifes situation, as you described it, that not anyone went out of their way to introduce themselves to you.

 

We have also met others with similar expectations as you seem to have, and that too, is like a big red flag hanging around your neck. Every once in a while we will have someone approach my wife to play seperately when I am off to the bar or restroom. It is no surprise later to here them lamenting about how everyone is giving them the brush off. Like you they have no clue of what the lifestyle is about and can't understand why these horny women aren't jumping all over them.

 

Lastly, contrary to your delusions, I would guess most men in the lifestyle are much better lovers to their wives than you are capable of because most of us understand that it is about communication, sensitivity, and emotional connection, and has nothing to do with how good looking we are, how much money we have, or what kind of car we drive. You obviously don't get it, and I'm not just talking about swinging here.

 

I do agree with you on one thing though, interesting discussion here.

[Spoomonkey 421]

Note to self......stop at the truck stop next time I'm romancing the wife

 

Brett - that piece of advice is actually going to be a part of my next book: How To Make Love To A Woman Without Going More Than 200 Yards Off Of I-70.

 

You basically have the gist of the first chapter

 

In the next chapter, I cover the gourmet appeal of nachos supreme and one of those spin-grilled sausage-dogs...

 

Spoomonkey

[Uomo 15]

Surrender Surrender Surrender

 

Okay ... I got it. I'm completely full of myself ... borderline delusional, maybe. I'm so bad in bed my sorry ass (and a can of lube) couldn't satisfy a shit-faced I-70 trucker. Happy? Just let up on the punches a little. I'm dying over here.

 

Surrender Surrender Surrender

[TNT 1,155]

and if the little lady gets used to "making love" and she isn't getting it from her man ... that's a problem.

 

You are 100% correct in that statement.

 

BUT ..... The women in the swinging lifestyle (those who chose to be there, not those who are coerced by their husbands to be) are being "made love" to every day. It's because of this that we are free enough to "have sex" with others. We're not looking for a romantic encounter because we are romanced every day.

 

 

 

How do you win over a married woman? Become to her everything ... her husband is not.

 

That's just it dear...the wives in the swinging lifestyle already have everything they want...NO ONE could become for me everything my husband is not, he is EVERYTHING to me. (Okay, I guess they could be a total asshole who treated me like dirt )

 

The thing about swinging that I think you're not getting is that we are in this not because we are missing something in our relationship...it's because of the relationship that we have that allows us to swing.

 

How many men would let their wives run away on a sensual date with Mr. tall, dark handsome and successful?

 

Honey, I run away with Mr. Tall, dark, handsome and successful every weekend. Hell, sometimes we even invite couples, single men and single women to join us.

 

Seriously...the type of women that you are looking for probably won't be found in swinging. Not saying that they're not out there, it's just not a common thing in this lifestyle.

 

 

Teresa

[Spoomonkey 421]

Just let up on the punches a little. I'm dying over here.

 

Well, come on, Uomo...

 

When you post the types of things you have posted - even acknowledging that you know the daggers are about to fly - putting down every swinging husband on the board in an attempt to make yourself look worthy of us simply forking over our wives for you to fork them all you want... (Mostly because we aren't very good and they deserve better - and by that, you mean you)

 

What exactly were you expecting?

 

Spoomonkey

[Uomo 15]

Well, come on, Uomo...

 

When you post the types of things you have posted - even acknowledging that you know the daggers are about to fly ... What exactly were you expecting?

 

Spoomonkey

 

I know. All is fair ... in love and war. If you have more on its way for me, I'll grab my ankles and take it like a man. I'm not trying to offend ... but ... I seem to have a bad habit of doing it anyway. Sorry if I did. You guys (and gals) are all great people ... I really think the world of you.

[Uomo 15]

That's just it dear...the wives in the swinging lifestyle already have everything they want...NO ONE could become for me everything my husband is not, he is EVERYTHING to me. Teresa

 

Your sentiments are genuinely touching ... I am happy for the both of you. Thank you for sharing. You sound like a very lucky woman, and ... you're right ... when that kind of magical chemistry exists, not a man in the world could come close. I'd be ashamed to even attempt it. God Bless -- Uomo

[sereneiders 263]

That's kind of what I'm afraid of ... I most certainly AM looking to "get romantic" with your spouse ... and (here's goes nothing) ... I'm fairly confident in saying I'm much better at it than most men (and I do speak from some experience here). I think that most men would get freaked out if they saw me romancing (and getting privately intmate with) their wives. You are right ... I don't want sex ... I want to make love (or something close to it) ... and if the little lady gets used to "making love" and she isn't getting it from her man ... that's a problem.

 

Now don't get me wrong here ... I don't know a damn thing about your love-life. Maybe you are a magnificent candleight lover? But most men ... are not. Good at sex (hopefully) ... but not so good at making love. How do you win over a married woman? Become to her everything ... her husband is not. I know it works. I've played this game for fun before (with limits). It works like magic.

 

That's why I still have a hard time envisioning success in the lifestyle (notwithstanding uplifting accounts such as Pepper's expereinces with single males). I am looking to take intimacy to a level where most couples in the lifestyle (quite frankly) would probably be uncomfortable. Again, correct me if I am wrong? How many men would let their wives run away on a sensual date with Mr. tall, dark handsome and successful? I think my approach is well-suited for the desperate housewives set ... but I think its beyond the bounds of a comfortable swing. Hell, even the women might be a little uncomfortable here (... but I also think there are those who would prefer it).

 

Thoughts? ( ... here come the daggers, for certain).

 

 

Unomo (btw, for those who didn't noticed, it's "man" in Italian... you pick as nickname the whole male gender, wow, what an ego!)

 

Reading this I wonder why aren't you running a scorting service for unsatisfied wyfes. You will got everithing you want to get, plus some money!

 

You started telling what happend with your first experience, pointing out your supposed "observations", when in fact since you didn't related to anyone, you didn't had the chance to observe anything yet, so you're trying to sell that you have a grounded opinion when the only you have is a set prejudice feeded with your swollen ego, that you wanted to reasure in that event and you still want to reasure looking for someone here able to admit how right you are about this.

 

You started giving us all the best guidelines on how lifestyle's clubs should arrange the event... to make it fit with what YOU think the lifestyle is or should be, insthead of asking why you didn't seem to fit in there.

 

The fact is, you're here to give us advice, and perhaps to convince us about YOUR very personal and limited definition for "swinging", i.e. that we're couples with troubles that look outside our marriage those things we are not able to provide to our partners. Should we convince about that, we could spread the voice and you may have a better luck next time. That would make you happy?

 

The hilarious think here is that the only way you may arrive to your point of view about this lifestyle, whitout knowing anything about it, is by means of thinking of yourself and your own marriage. I't seems you have a hard time getting some romance from your own wyfe (since you said it's not just about sex), thus, everyone's else that had the same problem gathered to solve it as swingers. And again, if you are unable to get some romance from your wyfe, what makes you believe you'll get some of it from someone's else wyfe?

 

Another prejudice of you is that the "Uomos" are the ones driving the action. Again from your own experience you conclude that every guy in the lifestyle is looking for what his spouse is unable to provide to him (but not to you, because you're macho enough to bring females wild side to the surface... ouch, except for your own wyfe, perhaps).

 

The fact is, women are the ones having the last word here. If you didn't scored, don't blame the hubbies. Even for those who may be looking for single males (even this isn't your case), the decition is made ultimatelly by the ladies.

 

BTW, perhaps I have to remark I used the word "LADIES", because you may even believe you'd deal with sluts. And of course, your wyfe isn't one because she doesn't want to participate, and BTW I wonder how much of this has to do about the way you think of swingers. What else she would tell you? If she ever admit she'd like to be with another man, that would lead you to conclude you're unable to please her enough, and giving your ego size, such an scratch would make you blow up.

 

I would like your wyfe to register in this forum, read this thread, and post their coments. Even being so confident about yourself, I bet you won't dare to invite her here.

 

Just for you to know, swinging has more to do with communication than with sex, both inside the couple and with other partners. Communication means to LISTEN and PAY ATTENTION, to get concerned about what everyone involced needs and wants, to be respectfull about their toughts and the way they see the lifestyle and their own marriage, EVEN IF YOU DISAGREE.

 

No one cares about your oppinion on how disfunctional their marriages could be, and everyone here will PROTECT and TREASURE their marriages with all the odds they may have. Moreover, if you plan to point out your oppinion, you'll get kiked from BOTH the hubby and the wyfe, because they're not looking for any sort of therapy or advertisement from unknown people, EVEN if that unknown one were you and you were right in your "observations".

 

Sadly for you, here you cannot be the bellybutton of the world... THE Uomo.

 

I expect your wyfe to participate in this thread.

[Uomo 15]

Strange ... how I'm actually becoming quite fond of the group (all things considered). Who knows? I might someday drop in at another lifestyle event ... just to hang out and be social. Who cares if nothing comes of it? Knowing what I know now, I think I'd have just as much fun kicking it back and dancing the night away with my wife. Hell ... I've never practiced the waltz next to 20 people in leather thongs. Could be entertaining.

[TNT 1,155]

That would be us, and I've seen it done. Room for everyone.

 

Ted

[Uomo 15]

Unomo (btw, for those who didn't noticed, it's "man" in Italian... you pick as nickname the whole male gender, wow, what an ego!)

 

Uomo is just a shortened version of the nickname I typically use eslewhere: "Uomo Universale." It is Italian for "Universal Man" (e.g. Leonardo deVinci) or "Rennasaince Man" (e.g. Ben Franklin). When I picked that nickname it had nothing to do with my opinion of myself (sexually) ... just something I'd like to aspire to become as I age. That's all.

 

BTW, perhaps I have to remark I used the word "LADIES", because you may even believe you'd deal with sluts. And of course, your wyfe isn't one because she doesn't want to participate, and BTW I wonder how much of this has to do about the way you think of swingers. I would like your wyfe to register in this forum, read this thread, and post their coments. Even being so confident about yourself, I bet you won't dare to invite her here.

 

I never insinuated anything derogatory of the lifestyle community or its membership. If anything, I believe the "lifestyle" community to be more socially enlightened than the "moral majority" or the average couple on the street. I am Clinton-loving Democrat and a card carrying member of the ACLU. I love what you all do and wish there were more people like you who had the courage to act. Diversity is the lifeblood of freedom. I think (and agree) that the word "Ladies" is both appropriate and fitting. You've got the right attitude ... but the wrong impression of me.

 

Mrs. Uomo ??? You're right. I can take a good beating over the internet just fine and well ... but a bona-fide beating? Only if it is S&M night at the Uomo household. You're right. I might not have the courage to pull that one off. I'll have to think about it. She tells me she's poked around on the site once or twice. I shudder to think just maybe ... yikes!

 

I can only imagine the posts that would follow ...

[intuition897 2,179]

Thoughts? ( ... here come the daggers, for certain).

Anybody got a dart board?

 

... I most certainly AM looking to "get romantic" with your spouse ... and (here's goes nothing) ... I'm fairly confident in saying I'm much better at it than most men (and I do speak from some experience here). I think that most men would get freaked out if they saw me romancing (and getting privately intmate with) their wives. You are right ... I don't want sex ... I want to make love (or something close to it) ... and if the little lady gets used to "making love" and she isn't getting it from her man ... that's a problem.

 

Honey, please!! :rollseyes You are looking at the wrong set of women here. Oh, I'm sure there are enough doe-eyed bunnies out there whose partners are as clueless as they are - they're a dime a dozen - but you won't find many here. If you pulled that attitude on me (or quite a few women on this board I could name off the top of my head), you would either be laughed at and dumped on your ass at the door because of your disrespect towards my husband, or you'd be played like a fiddle, fucked, and left holding the covers around your chin shouting "Call me!" as the door slammed shut behind me at the Sleazy Beaver motel. And that's your best case scenario. We are not desperate women who are disatisfied with the lovin' we get at home. The reality is that we would've seen the white band of skin on your ring finger where your wedding band usually is, and that would've been the end of the conversation right there.

 

Now don't get me wrong here ... I don't know a damn thing about your love-life.

Obviously.

 

Maybe you are a magnificent candleight lover? But most men ... are not. Good at sex (hopefully) ... but not so good at making love. How do you win over a married woman? Become to her everything ... her husband is not. I know it works. I've played this game for fun before (with limits). It works like magic.

 

That's why I still have a hard time envisioning success in the lifestyle (notwithstanding uplifting accounts such as Pepper's expereinces with single males). I am looking to take intimacy to a level where most couples in the lifestyle (quite frankly) would probably be uncomfortable. Again, correct me if I am wrong? How many men would let their wives run away on a sensual date with Mr. tall, dark handsome and successful?

No discomfort here. Just a vague nausea. If you were single (which you aren't, so this wouldn't ACTUALLY happen), I think Mr. intuition would likely smile and say, "Be my guest!" and then remind me not to play too rough with you. I get the impression that you think lifestyle women are unhappy and desperate, and that the men are weak and impotent, unable to retain their women. Sit back and think about it...honestly...is that what you really think?

 

I think my approach is well-suited for the desperate housewives set ... but I think its beyond the bounds of a comfortable swing. Hell, even the women might be a little uncomfortable here (... but I also think there are those who would prefer it).

Yes, I think what you're looking for is an actual affair. You seem to get off on the idea that you're one-upping some other man, or have something over him. That is a sign of insecurity if you ask me. Who are you trying to convince?

 

I apologize for coming down on you like a ton of bricks; I usually am very nice. But we have little tolerance for inflated egos. We just don't like them.

[Spoomonkey 421]

or you'd be played like a fiddle, fucked, and left holding the covers around your chin shouting "Call me!" as the door slammed shut behind me at the Sleazy Beaver motel.

 

You know, Uomo...

 

For the sake of levity on a thread that is fairly hostile - and because I tend to be a fairly straight shooter - I gotta say, this scenario would be okay with me Intuition...

 

I mean, I can think of much worse things to have happen, so if you ever need a guy to treat badly, I'd like to volunteer

 

Spoomonkey

 

PS - Didn't mean to hijack, but I don't like to let an opportunity pass me by. I get so very few...

[driveajeepnaked 26]

After following this thread for a bit, I decided to check out your SLS profile, as listed in your SB profile...

 

Where is it?? SLS has never heard of you??

[Uomo 15]

If you pulled that attitude on me (or quite a few women on this board I could name off the top of my head) ... you would be played like a fiddle, fucked, and left holding the covers around your chin shouting "Call me!" as the door slammed shut behind me at the Sleazy Beaver motel.

 

That alone would be worth the price of admission. Let's make it happen!

 

We are not desperate women who are disatisfied with the lovin' we get at home. I get the impression that you think lifestyle women are unhappy and desperate, and that the men are weak and impotent, unable to retain their women. Sit back and think about it...honestly...is that what you really think?

 

I never suggested that any of you are desperate or dissatisfied (or that your men were inadequate). I think most men in the lifestyle are very good lovers (just a guess). But does that mean that sex in the lifestyle need be "meaningless" (yikes! -- there goes another time-bomb).

 

What's wrong with making pretend you love the person you are having sex with? As I see it, the only difference between what I would do with a woman (and what others seem to rail against) is that I would prefer that we slip away in our minds and simulate our having something ... a little more special. I think that would make the whole experience a little more ... special. Who hasn't watched a romantic movie and allowed their minds to drift into the shoes of the actors in love. Same thing in real time. Why not act it out in real life? It could be an amazing experience.

 

Think about it: There are a thousand people on this earth you could be probably be perfectly happy living the rest of your life with. Most you will never know or meet. But each would be a different experience. haven't you ever wondered what that might have been like? Just as you like to experience what it is like to be sexual with another person ... I too would like to experience something sexual ... but on a different level ... I'm just looking to take it one step further than you are (weaving emotional intimacy into the mix). It doesn't have to be anything mind-shattering or serious. As I would have it: I am just an actor on a stage slipping into the mind of the character he portrays on the screen (in this case: your lover). I still don't know why everybody thinks that would be such a terrible thing. I think it would be a WONDERFUL thing.

 

but alas: Allowing yourself (or your partner) to be emotionally attached ... now that takes courage. Much more courage than going off and having wild sex with a relative stranger. You risk an emotional affair ... and an emotional affair is much more threatening to a marriage than its physical counterpart. The marriage must be rock-solid. But, for those of us who dare ... I dare think something extra-special awaits.

 

Nothing wrong with what your doing ... I'd probably love to join in. But somewhere, with someone, if just for an ever so short time ... I want something more. And somewhere out there, I have a female counterpart. Plenty of women think as I do. I just don't know if that person I'm seeking is in the lifestyle. Sure would be nice if she were.

 

Thanks for the post.

[Uomo 15]

After following this thread for a bit, I decided to check out your SLS profile, as listed in your SB profile...

 

Where is it?? SLS has never heard of you??

 

I didn't know what SLS was when I first signed up so I just typed in my nickname (just in case it was a required filed).

 

Now that I know ... is it any good?

 

After this hearty beating, the LAST SLS nickname I would probably ever want to use is "Uomo."

 

Any mascochists reading this post are (of course) more than welcome to use it. It's a nickname guaranteed to get RESULTS!

[good times 991]

Why not act it out in real life?

 

Thats an easy one, I can't speak for everybody, but I'm just not that good of an actor. You see, I really love my wife. I know more than a few women that I would like to have sex with for fun. But when we are done I'll still love my wife and the only way any fantasy involving love and romance works for me is if its with my wife.