Mild Body Image Issues

[The Fuse 1,012]

Hello All,

Let's say it together....Hooray for the Internet. I love the Internet for so many reasons, and the Swingers Board is the latest. Applause to Julie and her helpers for bringing us this community. Thank you.

 

A little about my husband and me: We're both engineers, very down-to-earth, both have postgraduate degrees from respected schools, blah blah blah, open-minded but conservative in our own lifestyle, yadda yadda. I could hardly believe my ears when E told me that he would be interested in exploring the lifestyle. I did what a lot of people probably do to broach the subject: I made an offhand reference or a joke, essentially sending up a trial balloon (is this true?). Discussions have progressed. Now we are talking about which club to visit, setting rules, and absorbing the wonderful advice we see on this board.

 

As the post title indicates, I have a wee problem with body image. I am 5'6" and weigh a little over 160 pounds. I will turn 40 this year, so am not a youngster either. At a size 14, I am afraid that I will not be attractive to the male or female halves of couples that we'd want to be with. (My husband has a good physique.) We don't aspire to the model-gorgeous playmates, but I'm afraid I'll be relegated to the "uglies only" corner, and feeling repulsive like I did in junior high school. Does anyone have experiences to relate that would help me know what to expect?

[HappyPeople 17]

Once you go to your first club all worries about body image issues should pass... You'll see all kinds of body types having a good time. The people that focus too much on body type end up being the ones sitting alone in the corner.

[LikeMinds321 1,527]

 

As the post title indicates, I have a wee problem with body image. I am 5'6" and weigh a little over 160 pounds. I will turn 40 this year, so am not a youngster either. At a size 14, I am afraid that I will not be attractive to the male or female halves of couples that we'd want to be with. (My husband has a good physique.) We don't aspire to the model-gorgeous playmates, but I'm afraid I'll be relegated to the "uglies only" corner, and feeling repulsive like I did in junior high school. Does anyone have experiences to relate that would help me know what to expect?

At your height and weight you will be in the majority.

 

If you saw someone like yourself - size 14 - at a club would you ignore her? Would you think of her as someone who belongs in the "uglies only" corner and not approach?

 

Hopefully you'd be open to approaching people like yourself as well as those unlike yourself in physical appearance. A swing club is a social event as much as a place to find compatible playmates. It can be a great place to make friends.

 

Be sure you say hello to all physical types, and remember, the only person who can keep you in the corner is yourself.

 

Welcome to the Board!

 

LM

[The Fuse 1,012]

At your height and weight you will be in the majority.

 

If you saw someone like yourself - size 14 - at a club would you ignore her? Would you think of her as someone who belongs in the "uglies only" corner and not approach?

 

Hopefully you'd be open to approaching people like yourself as well as those unlike yourself in physical appearance. A swing club is a social event as much as a place to find compatible playmates. It can be a great place to make friends.

 

Be sure you say hello to all physical types, and remember, the only person who can keep you in the corner is yourself.

 

Welcome to the Board!

 

LM

 

Thanks for your replies. No, I would not ignore someone my size--in fact, I think I'd like to play with a nice soft rounded woman. The more I think about it, I guess I have been concerned that people will expect more of me than I actually do of them. I think once we meet some people, we will be more relaxed.

[sexypairca 41]

As with most anything in life, swingers aren't perfect. We come in all shapes, colors and sizes. I do believe that you will be relieved as you begin your journey that this is true.

 

I had feelings of what you refer to as "mild body image issues" in the begining also. The more I looked around the more comfortable I felt, at the time we had just finished our family and the state that my body had been left in was not part of the life that I had ordered. In my experience, how sexy you feel that is what counts. Either work on becoming more comfortable in your own skin or make changes that will result in what you consider to be a more desirable you. Either way I'm sure that there are plenty of people that would be interested, be yourself and the rest will fall into place.

 

IMHO

Annette

[Miss_Piggy 98]

No, I would not ignore someone my size--in fact, I think I'd like to play with a nice soft rounded woman.

 

There is no shortage of women who feel exactly the same way. Trust me, I'm one of them.

[tribbles 490]

The more I think about it, I guess I have been concerned that people will expect more of me than I actually do of them.

 

So, anyone who expects more of you than you do of them......well...for us, we put them in the we don't want to play with THEM zone.

It if is stressful, instead of fun, why do this?

Go find a way for this to be fun for you both. That is the whole point IMO

 

S

[davidnjoy 15]

First let me say that I already like you. You will find that the quality people in this lifestyle are actually somewhat more interested in personality than they are in straight out physical appearance. I am not saying that physical attraction is not an important component but, as I've experienced, you gotta stimulate the largest sex organ, my brain. The best experiences I have had have been with people who I have gotten to know first. We tend to get to know people a little before playing (but not always). I, somewhat more than my partner, do best if I can establish a little bit of a connection with my play partners prior to playing. I too have body image concerns from the male perspective. I am athletic but with a large belly. In the beginning I had difficulty with this. Thinking that others would not be attracted to me. What a misconception this turned out to be. What my partner finds sexy and attractive in me others found as well...go figure. Sometimes our fear can make us very shortsighted. You are not relegated to the "ugly corner". You will find that "geeks"(my word) are not only welcome but treasured.

 

D

[HotMoCpl 20]

I don't believe you have a problem that is bigger then 15 to 20 pounds. My wife is 5' 6 1/2" at 155.....sizes run generally10 to 12. With only a half inch and five pounds difference you can't be that bad off.

 

Some folks loose extra pounds by counting calories, some by counting cabs. Others talk with they're doctor and come up with a program of diet and exercise. I would suggest the later. And as I tell my granddaughters......

 

YOU CAN DO IT!! soapbox

[The Fuse 1,012]

davidnjoy, HotMoCpl, and everyone else who posted, thanks for your comments! It's obvious that this is a very supportive community full of warm people.

 

About body issues, I am calming my anxieties. This "conversation" has helped. I find most men attractive, whether they would turn heads on the street or not. I think that as long as I appreciate them, by and large they will feel that and reciprocate. E and I have been exercising every weekday morning for several months, so I should be able to lose some weight by eating better (and less). I'll just do what I can to lose a few pounds before we venture out, and not worry about the rest. There is no point in putting off something we want for no good reason; time is a-wastin'.

 

-------------------

For every dead and living thing, time runs like a fuse...and the fuse is burning, and the earth is turning. --Jackson Browne

[HappyPeople 17]

Lose the weight because you want to lose the weight but don't worry about losing it so that people will find you attractive, you sound like you are at an attractive weight already. Granted, I am a woman but I've found that most men tend to agree with my preferences in women.

 

The bodies of very thin women just aren't as exciting as a woman with a bit more for me. It's a real bitch because I am thinner than what I prefer so I kinda wonder if I would be more fun if I gained more weight but I hate gaining weight so ARRRRGGG!

 

I believe that weight concerns are just a cross that women have to bear... If you are full, then you worry about it, if you are thin, you worry about it. I don't really believe that there is a weight/height ratio that would actually make most women feel secure.

 

In my opinion, the ideal woman is a woman that feels good about her body. Nothing is uglier than a woman that aplogizes when she takes off her clothes - she's doing me a huge favor by taking them off, not the other way around. Don't even joke around about your weight because you just might insult the person that is really appreciating every gram of it

[HappyPeople 17]

BTW, I have to ask... What kind of engineer are you? I could be classified as a Civil and Environmental Engineer and always appreciate meeting geeks of the same kind.

[The Fuse 1,012]

BTW, I have to ask... What kind of engineer are you? I could be classified as a Civil and Environmental Engineer and always appreciate meeting geeks of the same kind.

 

I am a software developer with an engineering background. So not quite the same kind, but definitely a geek and proud of it. I like other geeks too, both male and female, and tend to be friends with them.

[HappyPeople 17]

I too am a big fan of geeks. Bravo to your geekness, it just makes you that much hotter.

[GroupLove05 15]

I am 5'3" and over 200lbs. I carry myself very confidently and "think" sexy. I have several female and male patrons lol. Now that I am pregnant I get even more attention. Just let your personality shine through and you will be fine

[S&E 15]

Don't worry about it

 

Appearance is only skin deep, and there are those few very shallow individuals that only want to get together with "10's". The more time you spend on this site, the more topics, advice, threads & responses you read, the questions that are asked and the depth of the answers, the more you will realize the intelligence of the members of this community and this site specifically.

 

Think back to your single days or even married & swinging :rollseyes Have you ever been with that perfect 10, that person that gives off all of the looks , sex appeal, someone you know that "has got to be incredible in bed" and been totally disappointed then the flip side, you meet up this the really nice person, appears conservative, average looks, the person you may not give a second look to in passing or in a crowd, the person you don't even think that you would share intimate moments with, the person's appeance is totally deceptive, then that person totally rocks your world when you are with them in the most intimate of ways . This lifestyle is just like the everything else, you will find some very shallow people, but I think the majority of the people that you will meet are great, the people that you want to be friends with share fun times with.

 

We are not experts or 25 year veterans of the lifestyle, but so far this has proved to be accurate, this is an outstanding site, the more you read on here, the more you interact with others on here, the more your realize, that the majority of the others out here are very similar to you.

 

I read more than I respond or posts messages, not that I don't want to, but usually the the intelligent membership of this site has already addressed the issue or question in much the same way that we would and I would be just adding a Dito , which sometimes I do, to further support the other respondents and back up there suggestion or comments.

 

Don't worry you will find many new great friends, think about my comments and most of all enjoy yourself

 

XOXOXOXO

 

S & E

Newtown, PA

[The Fuse 1,012]

Wow, S&E, thanks.

 

I definitely agree about the intelligence level and the great attitude on this site. In fact, reading the posts is one of the biggest reasons I feel comfortable with the idea of swinging (we haven't gone to a club yet, but we will within a few weeks or a month). I have been very impressed, and that takes a lot. I was a little afraid that there would be a larger proportion of dirtbags, class-less people, and people in the lifestyle for the wrong reasons. But the people who post here have blown that fear away. There are even a few people who can spell and write in complete sentences. More importantly, the sentiments expressed show a lot of thought, reason and warmth, with only the occasional baddie intruding or trolling. I believe that when we do visit a club, we'll find most of the people to be similar. I can only do what I can do about my body, and I'm using the prospect of swinging to motivate myself to reach my potential in that area. There's a great thread in the Lounge-->Cafe called "Fitness Buddies" that I've joined where everyone's motivating each other and reporting in on themselves. If I keep up my workouts and better eating habits, I'll just try not to worry about it.

 

I may not check in on this thread much anymore since I'm more interested in the Fitness Buddies thread, but I will 'see' you in various places on this board!

[WesternSwing 504]

As the post title indicates, I have a wee problem with body image. I am 5'6" and weigh a little over 160 pounds. I will turn 40 this year, so am not a youngster either. At a size 14, I am afraid that I will not be attractive to the male or female halves of couples that we'd want to be with. (My husband has a good physique.) We don't aspire to the model-gorgeous playmates, but I'm afraid I'll be relegated to the "uglies only" corner, and feeling repulsive like I did in junior high school. Does anyone have experiences to relate that would help me know what to expect?

Welcome to the board, The Fuse. Mrs. WS is a 14-16 and never is in want of a playmate. She is very popular. Most of the people you'll find in swinging are just normal everyday folk, not pornstars or anything like that. And what's the average clothing size for women now? 12 or something like that... You'll find half the people you meet larger then a 12 and half smaller.

 

From personal experience I can tell you that most of the men attracted to Mrs. WS have wife's smaller then her. I think it is because she is different. They want to be with someone with a little more curves because they don't have that everyday. Basically, variety.

 

So don't worry, you being a size 14 is not going to hurt you any.

 

Mr. WS

[mitzi54 15]

I am a man that loves curvy women. 14-16 sounds yummy to me......

 

Purrrrrrrrrrrrr (oops did I say that?)

 

Ok, seriously, Mrs. Mitzi is a 14-16 also and never has had a problem at a club.

 

The sexy beast that she is. (of course I'm biased)

 

Mr. Mitzi

[BradAndJanet 70]

(done as a cheer)

 

14...16...18...20!

Smile a lot and you'll get plenty!

 

 

-B

[just1gurl 15]

(done as a cheer)

 

14...16...18...20!

Smile a lot and you'll get plenty!

 

 

-B

 

I love your cheer. The body image thing is probably the thing holding things up. I know its all in attitude, its just easier to have attitude in a good fittin pair of jeans than when theres nothing to hide behind!!! Still, love the cheer! Thanks!

[Deptydog 15]

I don't know where in SE Virginia you are, but my wife and I just moved away from there. If you would like to contact me privately, we can give you the lowdown on several of the clubs in your area.

[sereneiders 263]

First let me say that I already like you. You will find that the quality people in this lifestyle are actually somewhat more interested in personality than they are in straight out physical appearance. I am not saying that physical attraction is not an important component but, as I've experienced, you gotta stimulate the largest sex organ, my brain. The best experiences I have had have been with people who I have gotten to know first. We tend to get to know people a little before playing (but not always). I, somewhat more than my partner, do best if I can establish a little bit of a connection with my play partners prior to playing. I too have body image concerns from the male perspective. I am athletic but with a large belly. In the beginning I had difficulty with this. Thinking that others would not be attracted to me. What a misconception this turned out to be. What my partner finds sexy and attractive in me others found as well...go figure. Sometimes our fear can make us very shortsighted. You are not relegated to the "ugly corner". You will find that "geeks"(my word) are not only welcome but treasured.

 

D

 

I agree 100%

[The Fuse 1,012]

BradAndJanet -- Excellent cheer!

 

Sereneiders and DavidNJoy -- Hooray for geeks!

 

DeptyDog -- Thanks for the offer. I'll PM you a little later today.

[Guest Pinmonkey]

If that is a picture of you in your profile, I would say you have nothing to worry about.

 

Either way, Not everyone can be a supermodel. There's a reason those type of people get paid so much. There's a big demand for them, and a short supply. Be comfortable with how you are, size, shape, scars, streatchmarks, baldness, whathaveyou. It's all apart of who you are, and really, that's all that matters to most.

[wolfnblu 15]

I'm 5'4" and weigh 165. Sexy is an attitude, not a body shape.

[The Fuse 1,012]

If that is a picture of you in your profile, I would say you have nothing to worry about.

 

Either way, Not everyone can be a supermodel. There's a reason those type of people get paid so much. There's a big demand for them, and a short supply. Be comfortable with how you are, size, shape, scars, streatchmarks, baldness, whathaveyou. It's all apart of who you are, and really, that's all that matters to most.

 

 

Yes, that is me-- from the most flattering angle possible of course, but with no special effects or Photoshop work other than cropping the image borders and adjusting the contrast. I posted the pictures after this thread had been active for a bit.

 

Thanks for the compliments . Everyone is right about relaxing. We are looking for people we like, and not expecting others to be supermodels, so it's fair to think a lot of others have the same attitude.

[The Fuse 1,012]

I'm 5'4" and weigh 165. Sexy is an attitude, not a body shape.

 

 

You're not kidding... you look great in your pictures. I'm no more than bi-curious, but WOW!

[wolfnblu 15]

You're not kidding... you look great in your pictures. I'm no more than bi-curious, but WOW!

 

Awww, thanks babe! And since I now know that that is you in your pics....I can't understand how you could possibly think your body is unattractive!

[cur_cpl_n_chey 15]

hi there, We all understand the need to want to be visually appealing. I too am trying to loose weight and trim up after 3 kiddo's. I am 4 ft 8 and 133 lbs currently. A far cry from the 98 lbs I am supposed to be. What I am noticing though( we do not frequent clubs since the nearest one is like 100 mi away) that with the women atleast in the groups I belong to here in WY they are almost all a bit overweight. It really surprised me at the first event we went to. I was expecting a bunch of women that were model thin and that wasn't the case at all.

 

Denise

[sushigirl66 15]

newbie chiming in (lol): i agree with all the comments stated previously. what it boils down to is the fact that while you might not be at the ideal height/weight proportion you wish you were RIGHT THIS SECOND, you are someone else's idea of pretty darned "perfect"! don't stress...it only gives you wrinkles! be graceful in accepting yourself as you are, make no apologies for yourself, and enjoy life...to do anything else would only be a waste of your time. hopping off my soapbox now...

[Bonnie&Clyde 15]

this lyfestyle is the reason why I GOT INTO SHAPE. i thought "i want to play with the beautiful people" and those are the first ones who write "be young and fit only" and i was not going to settle for less than i wanted.

 

i am not attracted to people that are poorly groomed or overweight, but that is just me, plenty of people like meat!!! there is plenty for everyone but i advise you that if your issue with body image is causing you to stress, perhaps you should change it FOR YOURSELF... work out and eat better and you will see what a difference it makes in your confidence and how you see others.

 

this way of life puts pressures on women that most men dont have (looking good because we want to look good not just for the men but for the women too) and i think the best way to deal with it is being good to yourself... i dont know if i am able to explain myself..

 

if something about yourself bothers you, then change it!

 

hope this helps

[twohots4u2 188]

I am heavy while my girlfriend is very fit. When we first started talking about swinging I was very reluctant because I was concerned about my weight and appearance. She assured me that she was happy and thought I was sexy. The first time we went to an on-premises swing club I got over my reluctance. There were men and women there who were heavier, and more out of shape than me, and they were swinging and having a good time. Since then we have played with people of all sizes and shapes and had a great time.

 

We avoid the clubs where they emphasize appearance and youth too much, as in "must be HW proportionate" or "must fit our standards of appearance." They sound to snooty to enjoy anyway.

 

So, don't worry about how you look, just go and have fun.