Married going alone at swinging

[JnCC 24]

the fact that you asked this at all indicates that you think this is a valid point (to some degree), does it not?

Not necessarily. But I DO think it's a legitimate question. How convincingly you answer it will tell me whether there's a valid point to it or not.

 

Which, neither you or Spoomonkey have done, BTW...

 

DO you believe that this is the swinger's underlying motivation, and that we are all just rationalizing that we do it out of love for one another? Do you believe that doing it for anything other than sex is a fairy tale?

I don't know why you do it. I know why I do it, but not why you do it. You say it's "just sex," but don't you have sex with your husband? Isn't it good enough? If it is, then why are you going outside your marriage for more? And if it isn't...why aren't you working harder to improve your own marriage, as you have suggested so many others do?

I don't have to convince anyone about what I do. It is my life and as long as what I am doing is not hurting anyone else then I shall live it the way I have all my life and have a great life because of it. The people that Matter in MY LIFE are happy with me as I am. That is ALL that counts.

 

What I do is not very everyone and I don't expect anyone else to live the life I do. It works for Us/Me.

You don't have to defend yourself or the lifestyle to me, although what you are saying does sound a lot like what some cheaters have posted on this board. They don't expect everybody to accept their lifestyle, either.

The short answer is simple - this question reflects a sad understanding of the lifestyle and zero conception of the best it has to offer... Trying to explain why my marriage is the way it is to you would be like trying to explain color to a blind man...

If the "answer is simple" then why are you waltzing around it? A blind man may not understand the concept of color, but he certainly knows bullshit when he smells it.

Easy assumption based on the tone of your "honest" statements. I agree with you 100% - if those are the statements you'd have to make, your in a dysfuntional relationship and lying may be a great idea at that point.

So...if I understand this exchange correctly...you said I was "bitter," I responded to you that I was not, and your response was basically, "Of course you would say that! Only a person who was bitter would say he wasn't"

 

Where do you come up with this shit?

 

Be honest now...you've been listening to Monty Python, haven't you?

What I DO see in common is many of the same basic philosophies about respect, communication, trust, etc.

Those qualities are not unique to married people, nor are they absent in divorced people. I see the same qualities in single/divorced people every day.

[bluesplyr 15]

The bottom line, this guy is a sexually immature asshole.

Another engineer who is attempting to impress the forum. I am a civil engineer, with a degree of humility, who can also spell "weight" correctly.

[Spoomonkey 421]

JnCC said:

If the "answer is simple" then why are you waltzing around it?

I suppose the "blind man" analogy was perfectly apt... So, I'll post it again, "this question reflects a sad understanding of the lifestyle and zero conception of the best it has to offer..."

 

It is not a valid question. It is the perspective of a man who simply doesn't believe that a marriage can be completely fulfilling AND open to exploring sex TOGETHER.

 

We swing as an overflow of our very fulfilling sex life. Ironically, this past month, following her surgery, Mrs Spoo and I were unable to have sex the way that we are used to. My appetite for swinging pretty much evaporated. It only exists when we are able to be together. We are partners in crime in the truest sense of the term. I know that is a unique perspective that you obviously wouldn't understand, but believe it or not, it is a reality for some.

 

I am surprised, honestly, that you do not understand this, after all, it IS hard to argue with your marital expertise. To wit...

 

JnCC said:

I've been in 2 marriages that lasted over 10 years each, and I'm still on good terms (some might even say "too good of terms") with my first and third wives.

 

[Sweet_Candy 54]

I've went thru two bowls of popcorn and a six pack of beer with this thread. Hold up so I can go get some more supplies from the store.

[Honey_Tampa 15]

Sweet_Candy said:

I've went thru two bowls of popcorn and a six pack of beer with this thread. Hold up so I can go get some more supplies from the store.

Okay ... I wanna party with Sweet Candy .. heh

[swing52001 15]

Whew!!! I'm with Sweet and Honey. I like hot, buttered btw, but tomorrow's a work day. Does anybody remember the original post?

 

Oh yeah...... contemplating cheating...... let me see...... na, don't do it. Talk to your wife, try the same message with a different delivery, make your lives together so wonderful and fantastic that you don't have time for it. OR, take up golf or long distance swimming.... Seriously, if you love her, keep her and work out your frustrations in another fashion. Like the song says "you can't always get what you want, but if you try real hard...... you get what you need"

[intuition897 2,179]

JnCC said:

Not necessarily. But I DO think it's a legitimate question. How convincingly you answer it will tell me whether there's a valid point to it or not.

 

Which, neither you or Spoomonkey have done, BTW...

You're splitting hairs. Pardon me for stating it incorrectly. My question has been answered: you do believe it is a valid question.

 

And as far as answering it goes, I'm not sure what it is you're waiting to hear. We've spelled it out in more detail than it took for many other people to understand it. I'm sorry that you don't like what we have to say.

 

JnCC said:

I don't know why you do it. I know why I do it, but not why you do it.

I didn't ask what you know; I asked what you think/believe.

 

JnCC said:

You say it's "just sex," but don't you have sex with your husband?

No, I make love to my husband, and sex is the medium through which we express ourselves. I have sex with other partners, but there is no love involved. There's a difference, and if you don't agree that there is, then I'm sorry that you don't understand it.

 

JnCC said:

Isn't it good enough?

Do you read any other posts except the ones that refer to cheating? Frankly, I'm shocked that you still retain this mentality after having been around the lifestyle as long as you have. This is the kind of thing that's covered in the Swinging 101 FAQ's! YES, the sex between us is good enough! Better than good enough!

 

JnCC said:

If it is, then why are you going outside your marriage for more? And if it isn't...why aren't you working harder to improve your own marriage, as you have suggested so many others do?

OMG. Does anyone have a :slapsforehead: smiley?

 

To answer your question (and this is an analogy, just to warn you), I like apple pie any way I can get it - all that gooey appley goodness - but I'm not about to turn down apple pie a la mode. I just put that in another post tonight, actually. You're not supposed to tank up on just the ice cream! Doesn't exactly make for a well balanced meal. We have sex with other people outside of our marriage simply because we can handle it, and it's fun. We don't do it unless it's going to add to our relationship. I read in an advice column that it's the difference between starting from a place of want or a place of bounty. We're starting from a place of bounty.

 

JnCC said:

You don't have to defend yourself or the lifestyle to me, although what you are saying does sound a lot like what some cheaters have posted on this board. They don't expect everybody to accept their lifestyle, either.

Could've fooled me. We don't usually get pissy and defensive when someone starts in on us about how we're living an immoral life. I don't know about other swingers, but I feel sorry for them. These people have NO idea what the hell they're talking about, because they haven't taken the time to open their minds enough, put aside all of their presuppositions and assumptions, and look at the issues we present logically, rationally and objectively. It's not "given it's day in court" so to speak. However, many here can speak authoritatively about cheating because they have experienced in one capacity or another, and have learned something from it. They've seen the situation from both sides. They DO know what they're talking about.

 

JnCC said:

If the "answer is simple" then why are you waltzing around it? A blind man may not understand the concept of color, but he certainly knows bullshit when he smells it.So...if I understand this exchange correctly...you said I was "bitter," I responded to you that I was not, and your response was basically, "Of course you would say that! Only a person who was bitter would say he wasn't"

 

Where do you come up with this shit?

 

Be honest now...you've been listening to Monty Python, haven't you?Those qualities are not unique to married people, nor are they absent in divorced people. I see the same qualities in single/divorced people every day.

I must admit that I liked the blind man quip! That was cute.

 

But...I'm sorry, I just don't understand your logic. Everything Spoo said made perfect sense to me and, my guess is, to most others reading this, too. Which part of it was bullshit, exactly?

[LOL_OMG 130]

HEY!

 

Didn't we shoot this horse like a week ago?

 

Someone plz plz start a cheatersboard.com website so they can beat on this horse for a year or so...

[Paphian 16]

LOL_OMG said:

HEY!

 

Didn't we shoot this horse like a week ago?

 

Someone plz plz start a cheatersboard.com website so they can beat on this horse for a year or so...

 

Good point, Mrs LOL. Maybe in the future we should just place single-answer links to threads like this one for all the new, similar questions.

[Alura 2,774]

We've shot this horse many, many times, always with the same result. A new horse jumps over the fence into the corral.

 

I can't imagine this discussion going away any time soon. We will continue to have men and women whose sex life is not to their liking who like the stability of marriage but just want to have some exciting sex.

 

In the beginning, they seem to think we have no standards, will fuck anybody. We always set them straight. Some get it and hang around to post. We even had one lady several years ago, as I recall, who decided to include her husband and was very pleased with the results both in the new experiences and the improvement of her love-making with her husband.

 

Others go away thinking we don't know what we're missing. That's a good thing.

[JnCC 24]

Responding to this topic is like playing "Whack-a-Mole." It's OK as an exercise, something to sharpen our logic or debate skills or whatever, but the likelihood that anything is going to change because we've "beaten it into somebody's head" is pretty small. Eventually, the moles stop jumping up, and we think we've "won." But along comes some new person with a quarter, and it starts all over again.

 

That doesn't mean that participating in these debates is a waste of time. I honestly believe that every person who takes the time to post here takes on a role somewhat like that of a "teacher," and anybody who takes the time to read these posts is something of a "student." In that context, the teachers first job is not to browbeat the student, but to share knowledge and get them thinking objectively about the subject. I think that happens here. Maybe not for all, but for some. The rest? Fuck 'em...I got more important things to worry about.

 

There are people who think I'm just a contrary person...a curmudgeon...and I wouldn't totally disagree with that. But it might also surprise them to know how often I've come to agree with them as a result of what I've read here. As they were 2,000 years ago, a forum can be a form of "crucible" in which truths are tested. Some pass muster, some don't.

 

I'm not the only curmudgeon on here by the way. But I have an excuse, since I'm older than most. The rest of you stand naked and alone before the God of Curmudgeonness.

 

Back to the OP. Remember the OP? He was the guy who wanted to have a threesome and his wife seemed intrigued by the idea. But he couldn't get her to take the first step, so he was thinking about doing it outside his marriage.

 

This guy just seems so close. Assuming everything else in his marriage is going OK, he's putting a lot on the line for the sake of something he might do once or twice a month at most. I don't even know if he checks into this thread or not anymore. But if he does, maybe some of you people can get off his ass for what he's thinking about doing, and offer some constructive advice on how you've overcome your own spouses hesitation to get into this.

[intuition897 2,179]

JnCC said:

maybe some of you people can get off his ass for what he's thinking about doing, and offer some constructive advice on how you've overcome your own spouses hesitation to get into this.

Better to have someone on his ass now while it's still in the thinking-about-it stage than later after he's already done the deed, and has to deal with all those new demons. Tough enough to deal with without heaping guilt and fear of consequences on his head. Don't you think? At least, I'd prefer it if it was me in his situation.

[VegasLee 1,486]

mywildside said:

I have decided to try to go it alone. I have female friends that would like to join me. My question to the experienced swingers, is how do you feel with married people swinging without their spouse.

The way I read his statement is he has DECIDED what he is going to do and he asked us how we felt about it.

 

We told him.

 

So what the problem is?