Help with Husband's Conflict

[LoveMyWife 15]

After several months of talking into the early morning hours and increasing sexual enjoyment, excitement and frequency, my husband finally convinced me to seek out another sexual partner. I am in no way skittish or conservative about sex. I love sex! There is not much I have not tried or would not try. I'm extremely open minded. But bring another man into the mix ... as much as husband promised he would be fine with it...I had my reservation. I must mention, my husband is NOT a jealous person...never has been on ANY occasion.

 

We found a GREAT couple with every thing we could want. Complete trust on both sides. Both of us truly like this couple and feel we could not find another couple looking out of his interest as well as my well being.

 

Here is the problem. My husband, who flipped out for a week with fear I would back out and not "f**k" the other man, now is riding a roller coaster of emotion because I did what he asked of me. One minute he is so turned on by the idea of a relationship with this couple and telling me how and when I am going to do it again. The next minute he is hurt, jealous, confused and worried about his reaction to future encounters.

 

There was something, no need to go into but unrelated to the situation at hand, which occurred just minutes prior to my encounter with the other man, which set my husband off into a whirlwind of conflict. I honestly feel if that unrelated incident had not occurred, he would not be going through everything now. Up to that point he was forceful about me doing this and assured me of his comfort, commitment and excitement of the encounter. I feel we could have gotten through the event and my husband would be on cloud nine and so proud of his wife.

 

What can I do to help him with this conflict within himself? I think a lot of it stems from the conflict of one side wanting me to do it, being extremely turned on by not only the thought, but also the fact I did it and on the other side, the norm is husbands are not suppose to want their wifes' to f* another man, how could he let me do this, he feel such jealousy and rage.

 

We would hate to lose this opportunity we have now (and not sure I would go through the process again) if this is temporary and work-through-able! Personally, I would not have a problem with a relationship with this couple, as agreed upon. My husband changes his view every hour.

 

Any other husbands going/have gone through this? Can you help? Please don't suggest talking...we are ALWAYS talking about this.

 

Thank you!

[Spoomonkey 421]

Honestly?

 

Counseling.

 

I know that sounds hokey, but something is causing him confusion. Our first experience was a disaster. I went from "into it" to "how could you do this to me" in the space of one blow job...

 

It really freaked me out, so I decided to take my employer up on the free "six sessions" of crisis counseling. Sure - it wasn't THAT much of a crisis - but free is free

 

It was a very positive experience. I realized that I had a lot of underlying issues that were making me incredibly insecure. Sure, the guy didn't think swinging was a great idea, but he didn't try to talk me out of it. He figured there were much bigger fish to fry.

 

I dealt with some lingering issues that I just had never faced and in the end, I gained more than just the "freedom to swing" jealousy free. That was a small benefit in retrospect. The benefits for me personally were incredible - self-esteem, confidence, closure... Heck, I'm not afraid to say it... I got a lot out of those few counseling sessions.

 

Now, we swing and enjoy it. No problems whatsoever. But I am VERY glad we went through that first miserable time because it gave me the opportunity to deal with some things that I should have put to bed years ago - and that has improved my life immeasurably.

 

Spoomonkey

[wolfnblu 15]

Wow. I thought for a moment - until I saw you are from Orlando - that you could be the new friends that Wolf and I were planning on having fun with. It looks now like it's not going to happen because the husband of the other couple isn't as ready for his wife to be with another man as he thought he was.

 

I hope things are resolved quickly for you all.

[janaandjames 24]

i can understand your conflict. we went through those same emotions. first i did, then jim did.

and the first time i had sex with another man, i felt such guilt even though my hubby saw it and loved it ...

the thing is to take things slow

maybe you need to do some soft swinging first

some things that dont involve the whole sex thing.

maybe just touching at first, or kissing ...

a little more each time

make sure your = both of your = emotions are ok with it before going to the next step.

jim was actually more jealous the first time i kissed a man for about 10 minutes, than he was when i got f*cked the first time:)

 

that seemed to work for us.

jana

[Mr&MrsSwing 16]

I really agree that you should maybe go into things a bit more slowly. Some foreplay and whatnot first, and then move it on up. Its much easier that way, we just jumped right into things, and it was a bit rough at first but now everything is fine. But in retrospect, I would much rather have started slow. Just my opinion.

 

MrsSwing

[jaydee555 15]

I can feel his pain. I went through this a few times. I loved the play, but afterwards there was guilt feelings. It was like going from a high, to a low in 12 hours. I guess I contributed my lows to how I was taught growing up. I kept telling myself it was wrong, but after a few days, it subsided and I was willing to forego another encounter. After a few times I gave way to my desires and put the guilt behind me. I fought this myself, but that was me.

 

We did start out slow, and the first time didn't bother me. (Soft swing with no intercourse) It was the second time when the intercourse was involved, did I have 2nd thoughts, and it sort of shook my foundation.

 

I think that you should consider all avenues of help, that appear in this post. Each suggestion has valid points. I know many people go through this, and it can be a make it, or break it point. My wife and I talked it over for hours on end, and it made me feel better knowing that we were both going to decide our next move together. Right or wrong it was a mutual agreement. Communication with my wife, is what got me through the tough times. It has been our rock, and salvation for 36 years. 30 of those years, have been spent sharing intimate encounters with other people. I can honestly say, I haven't regretted a single one.

 

 

 

We wish you both the best of luck.

[ANGEDKY(mr) 100]

outside the box looking in..................................... you indicate

 

There was something, no need to go into but unrelated to the situation at hand, which occurred just minutes prior to my encounter with the other man, which set my husband off into a whirlwind of conflict.

 

yet you go on to say that

 

I honestly feel if that unrelated incident had not occurred, he would not be going through everything now.

Fact is, It is related as a couple I would be finding out WHAT HAPPENED (with his emotions) and WHY

 

Some other things that caught my eye..........................

My husband, who flipped out for a week with fear I would back out and not "f**k" the other man,

 

my husband finally convinced me to seek out another sexual partner

"Convinced" ??? Random word choice or is that how you really feel inside

 

Up to that point he was forceful about me doing this

again

 

These are just things in your post that stand out to me!! Communication is the important theme here, be it at home or in the therapist office that will be your only saving grace at this point !!

[DnHtxCPL 15]

I Dito what everyone else has said, I went through the same rollercoaster of emotions the first couple of times i watched her with another man. it's pretty normal. Mostly a lot of guilt issues that I had. Finally accept myself for what I like and am and life is much better lol. A lot of difference for him in the fantasy of it and the reality happening right in front of you.

 

It's going to take a lot of communication on both your parts and brutal honesty. (a lot of people swear to be honest and they do try. But it's hard to do. Most people fudge a little.)

 

Good luck

[WesternSwing 504]

What he is experiencing is just plain old jealousy. I had those issues to when we first started. Reading this board helped me work through allot of them.

 

I was excited as hell about the whole thing, then I'd get jealous, then excited. Finally Mrs. WS just came out and told me to stop it, my insecurity was taking the fun out of it. And that was it. I was insecure. Insecure that I was enough for Mrs. WS, that she'd enjoy sex with others more then me, that she'd leave me... then the idea would turn me on again. It was a real conflict. A conflict that pissed me off about me. I am usually a very self-confident person and this was definitely not me. I started to think about it and what was causing it. It really revolved around my ex-wife and her cheating on me and leaving me for one of the guys she was seeing. The fact was though that Mrs. WS is not my ex.

 

So I worked through that. I refused to let myself get eaten alive by this dragon. We slowed down to my pace and eventually after more and more positive experiences I became more and more confident and here we are today.

 

Basically, he needs to get over himself. It's not you. It's his problem and he needs to own it and conquer it. He will be very happy he did.

 

There are several good thread about jealousy on this board. You can start at http://www.swingersboard.com/?swing=jealousy . Read them together, or let him do it alone, but seeing how others have overcome it will be a big help.

 

Mr. WS

[HappyPeople 17]

Perhaps you guys moved too quickly. Maybe wading into the water before jumping in would have better prepared you.

 

Anyway, now that you've already gone there, there is still an opportunity to take it slow. We like to think of swinging like dating... We started off with watching, then did some light play, then a little more play, then even more play, and now do it all. Granted, it wasn't all with the same people but for us, we did things one step at a time and even though you've already "gone there", you can take a step backwards and take the slow lane.

[Vespertine 31]

There was something, no need to go into but unrelated to the situation at hand, which occurred just minutes prior to my encounter with the other man, which set my husband off into a whirlwind of conflict. I honestly feel if that unrelated incident had not occurred, he would not be going through everything now.

What was the unrelated incident?

 

I think we'll all get a more accurate picture if you'd fill in the blank.

[wolfnblu 15]

I, too, think knowing what the "unrelated" incident was would help us understand where he's coming from....as it doesn't seem to be unrelated at all.

[Guest Added Spice]

yes...knowing what the 'unrelated incident' was would help us to give an educated perspective opinion. that incident obviously has a HUGE baring on what he's feeling.

[LOL_OMG 130]

We are new to this as well, we have had one soft swing experience and from my perspective 'nothing' is unrelated when it happens while two couples are together.

If you have been monogamous with your partner for any period of time that first glimpse of your mate with another can be a shocker. Thanks to these boards we felt prepared and that first encounter went well. Follow some of the great suggestions above and perhaps read through the archives. Good Luck

 

Mr. Lol_omg

[scouple 15]

No jealousy should be in b/w SWINGING.

Show your husband my reply.

regards.

[Chicup 42]

Honestly?

Counseling.

Personally I think thats a bit extreme unless he is foaming at the mouth.

 

First time we full swapped, we did separate rooms, and that was a mistake. Afterwords I started to get really jealous, not mad at the Mrs. but just the visceral jealousy thats our genes talking when it comes to procreation. It ate at me for a week or two, I mentally 'justified' it since I had sex with his wife we were 'even', but it took a bit to bring out that green eyed monster and slay it.

 

After that two weeks I was able to kill the beast, and it hasn't come up again. If it still turns him on, odds are he will be able to overcome it himself, he just has his own dragon to slay.

[curiously sexy 15]

Anytime there is a lack of trust ... there is a lack of security behind it. I suggest that you talk to the one person that can help you to understand and be understood ... your husband. Argue, rant, do whatever it takes to get it out in the open ... understand and know that you are understood. Then you will know how to proceed.

Best wishes, and good luck.

[lovedoctor 15]

 

First time we full swapped, we did separate rooms, and that was a mistake. Afterwords I started to get really jealous, not mad at the Mrs. but just the visceral jealousy thats our genes talking when it comes to procreation. It ate at me for a week or two, I mentally 'justified' it since I had sex with his wife we were 'even', but it took a bit to bring out that green eyed monster and slay it.

 

After that two weeks I was able to kill the beast, and it hasn't come up again. If it still turns him on, odds are he will be able to overcome it himself, he just has his own dragon to slay.

 

So, how did you slay the beast? Did you handle that together or did you wrestle it out by yourself?