Creating an intimate atmosphere that doesn't threaten relationships

[just1gurl 15]

Alrighty then, I've been reading and reading these posts.

 

My question is:

 

WHAT EXACTLY IS IT THAT "RESPECTS" the couples involved and their relationship????

 

This is alluded too, seconded, and amened all over the boards. BUT WHAT IS IT?

 

What I know- we are coming together for unrestricted - consensual sex with peoples' partners. This is agreed. What part is it that crosses the line?

 

From my experience - the brain is the best sex organ a guys got. I love to mess with their brains. But you know a little flirting is to boost the old ego! Thats a real necessity to them, just from my experience. tickle their grey matter.....

 

I don't want them to fall in love, I don't want to take them home (unless we were all going) but this play to get the juices flowing, would that be construed to be misleading, um, or to make jealousies boil etc? I'd look for honest things I'd admire about the person, and the desire to make them feel good, and special! -- just rubbing the naughty bits to me is a dis-service to the act of fun. I'd imagine though everyone may be different on what it is that would create problems.

 

Could ya'll share your thoughts on creating an intimate atmosphere but that doesn't "threaten" relationships?

 

seems like it could be treacherous grounds?

[LikeMinds321 1,527]

just1gurl said:

What I know- we are coming together for unrestricted - consensual sex with peoples' partners. This is agreed. What part is it that crosses the line?

This is a darn good question about r-e-s-p-e-c-t.

 

I put that word "unrestricted" in bold because I disagree with that part of your statement. I think swinging has all kinds of restrictions; they are commonly referred to as "rules" or "guidelines" couples set and agree to follow. These include what they expect from each other and from the swingers they play with.

 

Here is where the respect comes in - if somebody doesn't adhere to the rules, that's disrespectful.

 

As you continue to read the Board you'll see a husband or wife post about how their spouse didn't play by the rules and because of this they feel they've been wronged and disrespected. The same can happen from play partners who don't follow the rules that were agreed upon ahead of time.

 

For this reason communication is so highly stressed in the lifestyle.

 

Quote

From my experience - the brain is the best sex organ a guys got. I love to mess with their brains. But you know a little flirting is to boost the old ego! That's a real necessity to them, just from my experience. tickle their grey matter.....

 

I don't want them to fall in love, I don't want to take them home (unless we were all going) but this play to get the juices flowing, would that be construed to be misleading, um, or to make jealousies boil etc? I'd look for honest things I'd admire about the person, and the desire to make them feel good, and special! -- just rubbing the naughty bits to me is a dis-service to the act of fun. I'd imagine though everyone may be different on what it is that would create problems.

 

Exactly. And this is where it gets more complicated. Because there are always going to be couples who have issues between themselves that you have no knowledge of, you may end up upsetting them. Jealousy is a biggy in swinging. Just as you said, you like stroking the brain matter and making a man feel good. Some women don't know how to do that to their own husbands, and when another woman comes along who is good at it, they may be upset.

 

Swinging is not simple. It's complicated, unless, as I've heard it said on the Board by some members, it's only about fucking.

 

For me it's more than that.

 

 

Quote

Could ya'll share your thoughts on creating an intimate atmosphere but that doesn't "threaten" relationships?

 

seems like it could be treacherous grounds?

 

You learn as you go along. I think the more people you meet the better you get at knowing who likes to swing the way you do, and those are the people you will be happiest with.

 

If you like being intimate with your playmates, be that way. You've got to be yourself when swinging or you won't enjoy it. I'm presuming you want respect from the people you swing with. It's been said many times but I'll say it again; treat others as you would like them to treat you and that's the best you can do to give others respect.

[sereneiders 263]

I wholly agree with LikeMinds here.

 

Because of this, it's important to talk beforehand, tell each other their limits, listen the rules and clarify whatever doubt anyone may have. If you feel uncomfortable with some of the rules, let them know, even when this could lead to avoid the game, and by no mean try to get you way by breaking a rule basing yourself in your own estimation of the rule importance for the couple: if a couple sets a rule, it IS important for them, it protects them from things they properly know.

 

You may find out that some couples rules aren't "consistent" enough (they may be news in the scene and they may haven't still developed a "final set" of rules based on their experience). I believe it is respectful to point out your doubts regarding to the inconsistencies, or else go along paying attention to avoid messing up with the inconsistencies (since this would be to take advantage of them to make your own way).

 

You have a valuable position here... there are way fewer single women up to game than couples looking for them. It will pay better to decline an invitation because of the risk of messing up with the couple set of rules, than to risk to be part of a drama because of this.

 

I also want to point out that the rules the couples made up may have a lot in common with other couple's rules, but there are not necessarily the same.

 

As for us, we like people with your attitude towards sex and intimacy, and we valuate the intimacy and even the attitudes usually pertaining to the love and care more than sex (and I know we're uncommon about this, since we still had and we're still open to polyamoral relationships). Be upfront about what you want and the way you'd like things to happen (moreover, ensure to make this clear to the wife), the kind of attitudes you'd like to have with them, the way you may behave, and the meaning this have for you, to avoid misunderstandings.

 

Be yourself and be honest. I believe these two things is what most swingers appreciate the most.

[BodyScape02 21]

To me it meant that the woman did not contact my man directly, without my knowledge. As in, meet him for lunch without me, or, send e-mail to an alternate address (other than our joint account created for the purpose of swinging). Or try and set up play with just him, when our profile stated we were a couple and that we swing only as a couple.)

 

That worked in the inverse also (In so far as single men and I were concerned). I would never give a single my cell number... I gave them my mates.

 

Why? Because that all smacks of secrecy and subterfuge and it is all about being sneaky and working to attain something that belongs to someone else... ie ... it reeks of "cheating"

 

So even if it is "on the up and up" it still plants the seeds of doubt that will eventually destroy even the best relationship. It kills trust... and without that...valid or not...a relationship will eventually perish.

 

~Cat

[ANGEDKY(mr) 100]

Quote

This is alluded too, seconded, and amened all over the boards. BUT WHAT IS IT?

 

For us it is easy...treat us as one, not as a man and a woman, nor wife and husband, but as one. Granted how you engage each of us on a personal level will differ slightly, but as a whole view us as one slice of life, not two pieces on one plate and the rest will fall into place.

[BodyScape02 21]

I just wanted to say...my opinion comes from experience.

 

If you check far back in my postings you will see we had a woman interested in play with us (and particularly interested in my mate) who played with a married man and gave him a cert (on sls) that she would gladly enjoy his company again.

 

In checking on her profile I followed the links and discovered he glowing certification. She helped him commit adultery! She wanted to meet my man for "lunch" and was contacting him on her own... needless to say I was a bit upset.

 

I mentioned it to my ex and she erased it. Luckily, I copied it prior to her removal of it so I could prove I was not nuts. My ex was thrilled to have a single woman interested in him/us and felt I was overreacting.

 

I told her no and called her on it... and my ex was a tad upset at me... so I contacted the board for help and perspective, as I was very new to this. It is in a thread entitled “Would you trust this woman???”

[NandTfromCA 84]

To us, respect is in the way people treat others- their own partner, N, me, and anyone else around. Nothing turns us off faster then when one of the partners is demeaning or rude to the other. Politeness and kindness are paramount for us and we try to get with couples that feel the same way.

 

Another piece of the respect equation is being sure that something is OK before taking a giant leap. It would be annoying if a partner were to give you the "do you like this...how about this..." every few seconds, but I would consider it disrespectful for a guy to go from kissing my wife to throwing her on the bed and backdooring her without some checkpoints in between. Checkpoints- moving slowly and gauging the other's reaction OR verbally checking in ("you ok with...?").

 

Sure, sometimes there will be misunderstandings and someone will be misread, but respect also comes in the way that is handled. If a person were to start doing something that I am not comfortable with, I would respect them enough to kindly (respectfully) tell them without bruising their ago or embarrassing them.

[good times 991]

ANGEDKY(mr) said:

For us it is easy..............treat us as one, not as a man and a woman, nor wife and husband, but as one. Granted how you engage each of us on a personal level will differ slightly, but as a whole view us as one slice of life, not two pieces on one plate and the rest will fall into place.

 

Dito what ANGEDKY said for us.

 

Our rules or guidelines are pretty flexible, but I would consider it disrespectful if someone tried to go behind one of our backs to set something up knowing or even suspecting that the other spouse would not approve of the idea.

[Spoomonkey 421]

Yep - as most have said above, if you treat us like an "us" you are doing pretty well. After all, I would treat you like I was an "us". In other words, I wouldn't do anything that would hurt Mrs Spoo.

 

I also agree with LM - "unrestricted" is definitely the wrong word. Playmates are invited to play within OUR boundaries.

[just1gurl 15]

Whats a "cert"?

 

 

gotcha on unrestricted. I guess having lived in a vanilla world where an innocent smile - one meaning nothing - could - HAS gotten me in trouble- everyone being ok with sex is pretty unrestricted in my book,

 

but perhaps you mean....

 

like - ok to put this there

 

and OK to do this - but not that

 

dont cuddle afterwards - shes mine or

 

whatever it is that gets them going

 

AND ALWAYs - DARN IT - gotta have those stupid rubbers. I hate rubbers, but I dislike viruses even more.

 

is that what you mean but not unrestricted sex? or is there still more I'm not getting??

 

------------------------------------------------------------------

 

i'm sorta smart cuz I's asks dumb questions. Lots of dumb questions.

 

all ears! tell me more

[Thrax 384]

just1gurl said:

Whats a "cert"?

I think "cert" has to do with someone being certified on a swing website, i.e., that person is a "genuine" swinger. They're real, and not some poser who contacts swingers but never hooks up.

 

 

Quote

ok to put this there

and OK to do this - but not that

 

Rules are rules. Smart couples and singles follow them. If I as a swinger know where the boundaries are, I can decide if I want to play within those boundaries. If not, I try to convince someone (or them) to change the rules. If we agree, it's a party; if we don't agree, then it's bye-bye or more talk, to be succinct.

 

 

Quote

don't cuddle afterwards - shes mine or whatever it is that gets them going

 

In true swinging, ANY party can decide where the "NO" boundary is. I'm a single male. Sometimes the boundaries make me unhappy. Too bad. Those are the rules.

 

 

Quote

AND ALWAYs - DARN IT - gotta have those stupid rubbers. I hate rubbers, but I dislike viruses even more.

 

You aren't the only one who hates rubbers. In that category haters are probably 99% or more. But, if those are the rules, those are the rules. (I hate viruses, therefore I must love rubbers?) No rubbers? Then that means TRUST, which is affiliated with RESPECT.

 

 

Quote

is that what you mean but not unrestricted sex? or is there still more I'm not getting??

 

Unfortunately, there is no true "unrestricted sex." Oh, if sex could be unrestricted, casual, etc.

[Spoomonkey 421]

Thrax said:

If not, I try to convince someone (or them) to change the rules.

 

This would be a HUGE turn off for us. It is important that we are respected enough for it to be assumed that we have our boundaries for a reason (and have thought long and hard enough about them that we aren't going to "sold" off of them).

 

We have changed our rules - but only after we were 100% sure that the people we were playing with respected our rules; never because they asked us to change them. When someone treats us with respect, we are more comfortable to bend our rules (of our own accord) - when someone challenges our boundaries, we are more likely to respond defensively.

 

Be very careful about asking a couple to change their rules - that is an excellent example of "disrespect" and isn't likely to go over particularly well.

[Mrs Spoomonkey 118]

ANGEDKY(mr) said:

For us it is easy..............treat us as one, not as a man and a woman, nor wife and husband, but as one. Granted how you engage each of us on a personal level will differ slightly, but as a whole view us as one slice of life, not two pieces on one plate and the rest will fall into place.

 

This is it. We play together, we don't have separate and secret emails and don't give out our separate cell phone numbers. We read and compose email responses together and agree on the couples and singles we'll play with.

 

For instance one thing that really bothers me at the club is when a single guy (this works in reverse for single women too) comes up to me as soon as Spoo walks away. At that point you have already lost regardless of how much of a hunk you are or how well hung. You've just disrespected Spoo in my book and I will brush you off as fast as I can.

 

We were talking with a stripper that came and did a show at the club and she hugged me good bye and addressed me most of the time while talking with both of us. She's married, doesn't swing and has a boat load of kids, as she left Spoo jokingly said aren't you going to say good bye to me too. She "yes but I didn't want to disrespect your wife by assuming it was okay to do that". Wow! Now that is respect. She was very sweet and never rude to Spoo and we all talked for quite a while but her whole demeanor was respectful the whole time. I hope, since in her profession I'm sure she doesn't get respect all the time, that she felt like she got it from us. Our conversation was about kids and some personal things and never even went to stripping or swinging.

 

I guess the point is respect the couple and never come across like your trying to move in on one or the other.

[Thrax 384]

Good point.

 

Sorry, in trying to be brief (for once), and "clever" (as usual), I didn't proofread my copy. (The Yuengling could have had a little to do with it too.)

 

The word I used -- "Convince" -- is the wrong word. If I even had the balls to challenge a single or couple with regard to their rules, that would actually be a sign of the Apocalypse.

 

I'm actually a "rules" person. I respect rules. Rules are civilization. I might internally question someone's choices, but I can't imagine me challenging them or demanding that they change. To me, that would be absurd. At the most, I might ask them why they have that position, but as an introvert, that is unlikely to happen.

 

Can I re-think this and get back to you? Tomorrow, after the Yuengling wears off?

[just1gurl 15]

ya'll just aren't helping at all.

 

you're still referring to mysterious rules that I don't know.

 

Now, reading some of the posts made me laugh my butt off today, great exercise! as I realized what you were saying in one respect - Ha! ha ha. There is the word even!!!!

 

respect - most everything you said about this was like - OK I want the people I meet to be decent, understanding, caring, thoughtful, kind, even tempered - respectful people ! so this is nothing to do with swinging - it is the same as meeting people everyday. We don't want to meet @$$H*!#$. No cheats, no liars, no thieves, no etc, etc. I get this. That sounds quite reasonable.

 

It's these mysterious rules everyone refers to. . .

 

could someone share some of theirs so I can understand this more?

 

I just hate stepping in the poo.

 

I want to know before I go if its a white tie affair or skinny-dipping we're doing.

 

oh yes, and are there elegant sophisticated events? I mean where people actually do wear clothes and get to know each other. The human dance!!! as it were ..... not functions where people are coming- no pun intended - just to have orgies and such...

 

no judgement. I just know if you get their imaginations going, the rest of them follows......... yummmmmmy

[HappyPeople 17]

Bascially, nothing threatens our relationship, the actions of others only threaten our continued friendship/swingship with them.

 

A few things that might cause us to avoid a couple or single:

 

Them saying anything negative about our partner.

Them getting jealous that we see others.

Them expecting us to provide complete emotional support for them.

Them trying to push our limits and not taking "no" gracefully.

Them attempting to cause chaos/drama.

 

Those things would mean that they were not having much respect for us and we'd go into avoid mode if a talk with them did not correct thier behavior. We expect people to have some social skills and use them the same way that our non-play friends do.

[good times 991]

just1gurl said:

It's these mysterious rules everyone refers to. . .

 

 

could someone share some of there's so I can understand this more?

Sure, as the subject of rules is a very popular one around here the following link will take you to a thread discussing rules.

 

What rules have you had or heard of?

[Honey_Tampa 15]

For instance one thing that really bothers me at the club is when a single guy (this works in reverse for single women too) comes up to me as soon as Spoo walks away. At that point you have already lost regardless of how much of a hunk you are or how well hung. You've just disrespected Spoo in my book and I will brush you off as fast as I can.

 

I was nodding my head at my screen reading your entire post, Mrs S. This point is worth repeating a thousand times over. Thank you for saying it.

 

Mr. Honey and I have been to a few clubs. We've noticed how incredibly respectful genuine swingers are. At least from our experience, we couldn't imagine a true swinger being subversive like that. And it's one of the reasons that helps me feel so relaxed and playful in a swing club. I could never be playful where there are lots of "Cootch Hounds", male or female. For us, you need to understand you're the third wheel ... NEVER the second one.

[BodyScape02 21]

just1gurl said:

ya'll just aren't helping at all.

 

Actually I thought I was rather succinct and implicit. I even gave a case study example!

 

You still seem confused, so I will put on my business like demeanor and answer (apology up front ... I am very CEO boardroom).

 

I think what you are looking for is the rules for a single woman... and you are asking couples about "their" rules.

 

They are animals of the same species but not the same genus.

 

A. Rules are the set of agreed upon boundaries defined differently by each couple (and or single). They are in some cases rigid and in others malleable. They are a living document (like the U.S. Constitution or the law) and change with experience and need. But, like the constitution, change is not frivolous or immediate… it is negotiated and debated and voted upon before it is adopted.

 

B. Rules are based on the inherent likes and dislikes of the individual couples. For example, preferences for, or against bi contact; full swing (which is everyone changes partners and dances); soft swing (which is foreplay and/or oral contact only) etc…etc…

 

C. I would suggest you sit down and write out what your personal rules are. You need to know the parameters of your behavior going in also… so you can decide if you are a good match for each other.

 

Why? Well, if all you are concerned about is a big phallus and you never bother to tell them anal is not ok with you… you could find out it is the “thing” for him and be very, very hurt the next day in more than one way. Or if you are bi, but do not want to be with this particular couple ( she may not be your type)...

 

How are they to know, if you never COMMUNICATED YOUR PREFERENCE?

 

Questions to ask yourself:

 

1. Do you want to be with only the woman?

2. Do you want contact with only the man?

3. Are you bi or bi-picky?

4. Do you do anal?

5. Do you have a size preference? (phallus or height)

6. Are you interested in single men?

7. Where are you willing to meet people?

9. Do you “Play” on the first date?

10. Are you interested in just play or do you want to form a pair bond with one specific couple? (ie. be exclusive with them…like a third person in the marriage)

11. Do you ask for proof someone has no STD’s ? ( yes, there are people out there playing with Herpes).

12. Do your require a picture of both of them "together" before you will correspond or play?

 

Other than that …look at my first post… basically BE HONEST do not lie about your weight, or contact one member of the couple behind the back of the other, COURT THEM AS A COUPLE… never try to break them up and take one for yourself… and flirt like hell.

 

Know one thing... you are flirting like hell for the privilege of one night or however many encounters with this couple ( and they with you)... not for the purpose of obtaining a mate... SEE IT CLEARLY.

 

DO NOT MAKE THE MISTAKE OF ASSUMING IT IS ANYTHING MORE THAN THAT..IT IS ABOUT... PLAY...NOT LOVE.

 

Is that what you wanted to know?

[just1gurl 15]

all info helps clarify what some more experiencd people have come to accept as "the lifestyle".

 

I'd also found a bunch of archived conversations about rules as well, and yes, also on the swinger advice link (!) since asking.

 

the references to drama - which i understand to be issues with jealousy - that pop up are just not my idea of a fun evening. Especially so since what I have been thinking about doing is having - not unrestricted!! sex - but SEX for heavens sake with someones husband and sharing my SO if it reaches that stage, and I expect to have some emotions of my own, I'm pretty much human and definately a girl..

 

BUT!!! Swinging! I can't imagine expecting much more than the physical relations, I've read others who like the emotional charge from connecting with others, and THAT only makes sense to me, and after thinking about it that seems like that might be pretty damn sexy to find another couple that where all four got a charge- 1. sex, 2. some emotion, but as a temporary setup... that is explicit in the deal...nothing unsaid there.

 

If I had emotions to deal with I'd do it later on my own time and evaluate the whole thing and whether I fit this lifestyle, not freak out on people who showed up at my invitation to have sex with.

 

I can completely respect anyone's choice to do as they please and set rules for their sexual boundaries....

 

For instance - all though the no-kissing rule, as some posts mention is pretty bizare to me personally, ((can't resist injecting my two cents, sure stick your cock in my mouth AND elsewhere, but heavens, no not your tongue.---I'm a human being, I'm not a hunk of meat you are permitting your husbands to fuck. I don't want to keep him, this gurl just wants to have fun. )) off my soapbox now, OK - that would be a dealbreaker - and we go seperate ways, but before I found those rules links everyone just mentioned the rules..

 

I was afraid of commiting the equivalent of using the wrong fork, you know.

 

 

 

can it be that simple to avoid drama-discuss the threesome/foursomes intentions and expectations beforehand?

 

I'd neither have the patience for someones scenes, but also I wouldn't want to be "the thing" that came between a man and his wife. But after all this discussion - Are we all still in the mood?

 

 

seems like we need a really intense search engine - like that eharmony- 29 dimensions of compatibility!! Questions could be covered in your setup - I'll take it in the ass, yes or no. I can put this there, but you may not do this to me.... so that the computer matches you up and provides compatible people and you can start with the attraction and forget the details? It seems pretty time intensive to start from scratch over and over and over....

 

---------------------------------------------------------------------

I DO so much wish I lived in the Walgreens world. Have you seen the commercials, like everything is perfect, never any lines to wait in, money does grow on trees, there are no rubbers or STD's...

 

The part about respecting others: I wish I lived in the Walgreens world. otherwise that kind of person can sometimes be hard to find!

 

Thanks for everyones input. It really has help a lot to decide to venture here and what to know to make it successful.

 

(by the way - for the folks who get turned off by spelling errors and grammer doo-doos, it is against my rules to spell check posts/emails who don't have that function built in!

 

~v.

[Vespertine 31]

BodyScape02 said:

My ex was thrilled to have a single woman interested in him/us and felt I was over reacting.

 

Did you two split up?

[NandTfromCA 84]

just1gurl said:

If I had emotions to deal with I'd do it later on my own time and evaluate the whole thing and whether I fit this lifestyle, not freak out on people who showed up at my invitation to have sex with.

 

I don't think "No drama" necessarily means staying silent even if something bothers you, until it (whatever it is) is done. You can nicely but directly say something like "____ is starting to bug me a little. Let's slow it down a bit." or "You guys are great, this is fun, but we need to stop for now because the situation is making me uncomfortable." We have never had to say (or hear) either of those but wouldn't mind a bit if a couple got to that point and said it...as long is they didn't use the Jerry McGuire-I'm taking the fish-freak out voice.

 

You may not have meant it that way but just wanted to pose a point, either way.

[BodyScape02 21]

Vespertine said:

Did you two split up?

 

Yes Vespertine... we did... just yesterday, we still remain close friends and there is no animosity between us... just a realization that while we love each other dearly... we were ultimately not compatible for the long run. For both of us there is no other man or other woman. No drama, just quiet and sad acceptance.

 

I will miss him dearly (in bed) but I am so glad I did not loose him forever in a dramatic "shoot out" of emotions.

 

We both felt it was better to be in a "Jerry and Elaine on Seinfeld" type of arrangement than a "dead to me forever" deal.

 

When you come down to it... it is about being an adult about the whole thing and respecting the love you shared for so long.

 

So there is the long and short of it for you all.

 

I hope you will welcome me on the boards as the new single female with a couples perspective... as I bide my time and try to decide if this is the lifestyle for me.

 

For now... I am not interested in "getting " another man or relationship. I wish to politely morn this one.

[just1gurl 15]

Dear Cat,

 

best wishes on your change, it sounds like you know it had to come to an end so hurrahs for your courage! but feel free to cry on our shoulders

 

or laugh!

 

or both.

 

in case you need a laugh:

 

Two Irish nuns have just arrived in USA by boat and one says to the other, "I hear that the people in this country actually eat dogs."

 

"Odd," her companion replies, "but if we shall live in America, we might as well do as the Americans do."

 

Nodding emphatically, the mother superior points to a hot dog vendor and they both walk towards the cart. "Two dogs, please," says one.

The vendor is only too pleased to oblige and he wraps both hot dogs in foil and hands them over the counter. Excited, the nuns hurry over to a bench and begin to unwrap their "dogs."

 

The mother superior is first to open hers. She begins to blush and then, staring at it for a moment, leans over to the other nun and whispers cautiously: "What part did you get?"

[Spoomonkey 421]

BodyScape02 said:

I hope you will welcome me on the boards as the new single female with a couples perspective...

 

I can't imagine any reason why you wouldn't belong here

 

Here's hoping the best for you.

[Vespertine 31]

Yes Vespertine... we did... just yesterday, we still remain close friends and there is no animosity between us...

I'm sorry to hear that, Cat.

 

Best of luck to you both... and good for you two for being mature about it.

[BodyScape02 21]

just1gurl said:

in case you need a laugh:

...

Two Irish nuns

 

Yes, I did need a laugh and thank you very much, I loved the joke.

 

And thank you Spoo... It is nice to be wanted... not in a sexual way...but then again...I like that too!

[Mrs Spoomonkey 118]

BodyScape02 said:

I hope you will welcome me on the boards as the new single female with a couples perspective... as I bide my time and try to decide if this is the lifestyle for me. ~Cat

 

Cat, I can't imagine the board without you so please don't go anywhere. I'm sure you will offer a new and unique perspective to many things around here.

[BodyScape02 21]

Mrs Spoomonkey said:

Cat, I can't imagine the board without you so please don't go anywhere. I'm sure you will offer a new and unique perspective to many things around here.

 

Thanks Mrs Spoo... I appreciate it. I will try...although I am single... I really do still think in couples mode. It is kind of weird.

 

I at least have the advantage of knowing what both sides are looking for and how to define boundaries.

 

I mean lets face it... if anyone's husband comes on to me without the wife knowing or asks me to meet on the side.

 

We know one thing for sure... I will out him. No if's, and's, or but's. lol

 

Now if I can just find a really well hung male playmate in my area... I am getting a little... ah peckish...

 

~Cat (on a hot tin roof) .

[WesternSwing 504]

just1gurl said:

Alrighty then, I've been reading and reading these posts.

 

My question is:

 

WHAT EXACTLY IS IT THAT "RESPECTS" the couples involved and their relationship????

 

This is alluded too, seconded, and amened all over the boards. BUT WHAT IS IT?

 

Been busy lately so I haven't had a chance to answer many posts, so I'm coming to this one late.

 

To us "respecting a couple's relationship" has to do with realizing they are married to each other and treating each member of the other couple as such. They go home with each other and either relive a great experience, or work through problems you contributed to creating.

 

Respecting that they are #1 in each other's life. Not crossing any boundaries or breaking any rules that they may have set. Realizing that the other person is some else's world and not just the costar in some twisted little porn movie going on in your head. Sure we're all coming together for some sex, but that doesn't give another guy the right to treat Mrs. WS like his personal little whore. It always amazes me how some of the uninitiated single males will say raunchy things to Mrs. WS that they'd never say to a vanilla chick they were hitting on, just because we're swingers.

 

Overall, respecting them as people as you would anybody else, or even better then anyone else because they are allowing you to be intimate with them.

[sereneiders 263]

BodyScape02 said:

I hope you will welcome me on the boards as the new single female with a couples perspective... as I bide my time and try to decide if this is the lifestyle for me.

 

Cat, I guess this sentence came up from the sadness you're feeling today.

 

You're the sum of your experiences, I've read very valuable opinions coming from you, and what you are, why we valuate you, didn't changed because of what happened to you.

 

Even when feeling your sadness and when I'd love to be able to give you a shoulder, I have to point out that this experience of you will make your opinions even more valuable in the board, because of the insights of the odd things the lifestyle may bring to any of us, and the experience on dealing with this you'll be able to share with us to help others.

 

I think I express everyone's opinion when telling you're most welcomed to go on sharing your experiences with us.

[sereneiders 263]

just1gurl said:

If I had emotions to deal with I'd do it later on my own time and evaluate the whole thing and whether I fit this lifestyle, not freak out on people who showed up at my invitation to have sex with.

NandTfromCA said:

I don't think "No drama" necessarily means staying silent even if something bothers you, until it (whatever it is) is done. You can nicely but directly say something like "____ is starting to bug me a little. Let's slow it down a bit." or "You guys are great, this is fun, but we need to stop for now because the situation is making me uncomfortable." We have never had to say (or hear) either of those but wouldn't mind a bit if a couple got to that point and said it...as long is they didn't use the Jerry McGuire-I'm taking the fish-freak out voice.

 

You may not have meant it that way but just wanted to pose a point, either way.

 

Mr.

 

I agree here, but moreover, I think the whole issue wasn't properly addressed.

 

It's less a matter of being respectful WITH A COUPLE than just being respectful with EVERYONE involved, including yourself and your feelings.

 

As for the "drama", that is something that brings out because someone was disrespectful with his or her own feelings or commitments, mainly because of not being able or up to talk about what happens until too late, when it blows up in everyone's face.

 

You have emotional issues with the married guy? Don't tell them about these issues and sooner or later you wont be able to deal with your feelings and this will blow up.

 

Before thinking of everyone's else rules, you have to set your own rules, among these, to be faithful and respectful with your own feelings. No one is asking you to turn yourself into a senseless piece of meat, everyone knows the risks, and that shit happens. In such an scenario, being respectful means to be upfront with everyone involved about your feelings, let them know how you'd deal with this, and let the other people choose how they want to deal with this inside their marriage.

 

Some marriages may think of this as a "drama" and run away (thus, you'd be alone with your feelings), but some others won't and will appreciate the way you respect both them and yourself, to the point of wanting to deal with the problem and share that consequence. They may call off swinging but keep relating with you as friends.

 

Let's suppose you're the married one, who meet a single gal, who tells you about such an issue regarding to you and your husband. What would you do? I think that once you were looking at the problem from the single's perspective, you may end up sharing the consequences, and if so... why do you think other people wouldn't do the same?

 

So, be respectful with yourself and your own feelings, be upfront with a couple (including your fears about this scenario, asking them how they would deal with it)... just then be respectful with "their" rules (and I empathize this because once everyone involved were upfront and agreed about the rules, they will become "everyone's" rules).

 

No one can grant you no risks, but hopefully you'll all will end up finding a way to deal with the odd things should these risks become true.

[just1gurl 15]

no prob on respecting myself. Starts there, it has to end there when its all over. I don't know if you've noticed but I'm pretty verbal I have no issues whatsoever about standing for what I will or won't do.

[Mrs Spoomonkey 118]

BodyScape02 said:

Thanks Mrs Spoo... I appreciate it. I will try...although I am single... I really do still think in couples mode. It is kind of weird.

 

I at least have the advantage of knowing what both sides are looking for and how to define boundaries.

 

I mean lets face it... if anyone's husband comes on to me without the wife knowing or asks me to meet on the side.

 

We know one thing for sure... I will out him. No if's, and's, or but's. lol

 

Now if I can just find a really well hung male playmate in my area... I am getting a little... ah peckish...

 

~Cat (on a hot tin roof) .

 

Oh, I have no doubt cheating males don't want to run into you The best thing is if you decide to stay in the lifestyle as a single female you will be the golden egg. Wives can trust you and knowing you from all your posts you would be a nice addition to a couples play (I mean that in the nicest and most respectful way).

 

As far as finding a well hung male playmate... After saying that here I wouldn't be surprised to find you pm box full

[Spoomonkey 421]

Mrs Spoomonkey said:

The best thing is if you decide to stay in the lifestyle as a single female you will be the golden egg. Wives can trust you and knowing you from all your posts you would be a nice addition to a couples play (I mean that in the nicest and most respectful way).

 

I think this says a lot about the original question...

 

Treat someone the way that you would want to be treated... Unless, of course, you have a serious verbal humiliation fetish... If you can look at the couple and imagine what your boundaries would be as part of that couple, you'll go a long way.

 

We meet a lot of single males who will say at some point in the conversation, "I couldn't do this if I was married." Nothing wrong with them feeling that way - in fact I am impressed that they recognize that in themselves - but if they know what would make them insercure about swinging as a couple, they should easily be able to know what they should not do/say/ask/try as a single male being invited into a couple's sex lives.

[BodyScape02 21]

Mrs Spoomonkey said:

The best thing is if you decide to stay in the lifestyle as a single female you will be the golden egg. Wives can trust you and knowing you from all your posts you would be a nice addition to a couples play (I mean that in the nicest and most respectful way).

 

As far as finding a well hung male playmate... After saying that here I wouldn't be surprised to find you pm box full

 

Thanks Mrs Spoo... I appreciate your comments. Yes I guess I would be the golden unicorn or egg... cool...I have a higher value than a true "single"..lol

 

I think I might... as I really don't want to get back into a relationship and ...well... I have a really high libido.

 

The problem is in my area, so far...my Darter is the only man who I really felt the heat for.

 

And that begs the question... should you swing with your recent ex? I somehow think it would end up ruining a good friendship... but damn it is hard ( pun intended) not to think about caressing his body and making whoopie all night long.

 

It is not going to be an easy transition for me in that area... I have lost my favorite food... so to speak...I can see it on the shelf... but I am forbidden from eating it.

 

That begs the question ( and perhaps I should start a new thread) Should you ever continue to "play" with an ex? Under any circumstance ?

 

the ever questioning

 

~Cat