How to open up more at initial meetings

[Mr. Fuse 15]

My question to the more experienced swingers out there (especially the ladies) is this: what qualities are you looking for in the other couple (especially the man) when you have your first face-to-face meeting over drinks or dinner? Where is the line between flirting and plain old creepiness? I'm pretty shy and unexperienced at flirting, so I tend to play it safe and I'm afraid I'm just coming across as boring. We've had a few meetups to date, and in subsequent email exchanges they always show obvious interest in Mrs. Fuse but rarely any acknowledgement that I was even there. Any tips on ways I can open up some and be a little more attractive to the ladies without being phony? I'm not trying to be whiny, I'm just trying to keep from holding us back.

[The Fuse 1,012]

I'd just like to say I think Mr. Fuse is doing fine during our meetings. Of course I am slightly biased.

 

Poor thing...dating was hard on him before he and I got together for good, and now he has to go through it all over again.

 

 

I'm a little more outgoing than he is, so talking to people comes a little more easily. To compound the problem, it seems like with all the bi women out there, more of the energy is naturally focused on the female half of many couples anyway. My beloved deserves to have some of that energy focused on him...so how does he attract it, without changing who he is?

 

Thanks for any help...from both of us.

[CharmedBiU 15]

I'm watching to see how the man is treating his wife. Does he have his arm around her? Being attentive to her? But it is also important that he make eye contact with me and smile a lot. That is my clue that he is attracted to me. Actually I look for that from both people. If they are looking around the room or yawning- I figure they are not interested, even though that may not be the case at all. So smile, make eye contact, be sweet to your wife and you should be good to go!

[BiloxiCouple 695]

So at dinner or the bar where is everyone sitting? Kind of hard to flirt with someone when they may be out of arms or foots reach. Just an idea.

[VanHlebar 187]

Wow, this one is tough for me, as MrsVan says I flirt all the time. I don't really notice it, it is just part of who I am and to be honest, I really don't even know I am doing it until either she says something or even worse, the kids say something. Yes it is that bad..

 

We are a bit different, MrsVan was the one that used to be a bit shy, but she has learned really quick how to just be herself and talk with the other couple or single we are with. So far all of our meetings have been great and we usually forget about the time and end up staying way longer that we should have..

 

My only issue that I keep running into is that I was raised to be very respectful of others, man or woman. So I usually extend my hand on the way out to say good bye. This last time when we met with a lady, it was very comical, because again I extended my hand and she looked at me and said you are not seriously going to shake my hand are you? Instead she just walked up and gave me a hug good bye. It caught me a bit off guard but all was good.

 

I would say that MrFuse should just try to relax and enjoy himself and be who is normally is. If that person is normally shy and reserved, explain that to the couple or single before going out. Let them know that he sometimes comes off as not interested but that is not the case. For me, I don't think flirting is something you can turn on and off. You either have it or you don't. It isn't a bad thing, just some people are more comfortable doing it than others.

 

-Van

[meandher2go 17]

just be yourself. its all you really ever should be.

 

i (me) am pretty flirtatious by nature but i try to just go with the flow and like said above, take a look at what the other guys doing with his wife and do a little less if you feel comfortable doing it. i like to touch a girls hand,arm and late when all comfy a girls shoulder lightly. but its a fine line between creepy and fun. i have seen a few guys get too comfy with "her"

[Jamie&Kieth 36]

Ok, I like to know the other couple fairly well and yes I (husband too) need to be physically & mentally attracted to each other.

 

We are not a couple that will go to a club for the purposes of swinging but rather get to know other couples and if it develops into a sexual relationship GREAT, if it does not then it is NO BIG DEAL.

 

We basically only swing with people we know and care about.

[kingdruman 15]

this thread speaks to how i always thought swinging should be.

 

some other boards we have visited ......perhaps it is the intelligence level?

 

dating as a couple

 

this is how i view swinging....

 

you folk are the first i haVE EVER SEEN

 

who also hold this view.

 

i just wanted to tell you all ...i cancelled all of our memberships on other boards

 

yall are so real and i feel more a kinship here.

 

i haven't yet explored your profiles!

 

hope the cool people i have met on other boards soon wing their way here....

 

i wanna meet a couple who wants to go bowling!

 

i have never been bowling.....it looks like so much fun!

 

i do not even know if king has posted a profile for us here! LOL!!!!!

 

we shall take care if that forthwithly...~giggle~

 

any ole way....

 

i enjoy hangin out with yall on this internet thingy

 

so i sure would enjoy hangin out with yall face to face

 

 

sexy & gorgeous i see

 

linda

[Mr. Fuse 15]

Thanks everyone for your excellent suggestions. The Fuse and I don't have any qualms about expressing our affection for each other in public, so we have that going for us. I'm not very touchy-feely with other people (in platonic settings ) so I tend to make up for it by holding hands, hugging, etc. with her. She doesn't complain too much.

 

We've always sat on our respective sides of the table when we meet a new couple. Do other people mix it up? We've been working on under-the-table signals so that's one advantage of sitting together .

 

Mrs. Fuse suggested I make more eye contact with the lady, so I'm gonna work on that. Our first meeting, all I could think of was the fact that we were getting together to see if we wanted to have sex together, so I was very self-conscious when trying to make eye contact with her. I spent most of the time looking at the other guy instead, so I'm glad they didn't get the idea that I was interested in him!

[kingdruman 15]

i am rather

 

fer real

 

as in

 

i may irritate the hell ouuta

 

 

i dunno

 

i even been known to fart

 

in a court of law

 

i feel comfy fartin

 

in a court of law

 

eh?

 

takes 1 heck of a soul to b with a woman who feel cozy doin the fart thingy

 

in a court thingy

 

eh?

 

tennis anyone?

 

i do not do tennis by the by

 

 

even seasoned attorners

 

are wild when i phart

 

in court

 

when i hang with a couple

 

they must be in a comfort zone

 

so do we

 

nuff say?

 

[The Fuse 1,012]

i even been known to fart

 

in a court of law

 

kingdruman,

 

I'm sure you'll understand why Mr. Fuse won't be applying this advice in our platonic meetings.

 

Meeting someone in a court of law would probably not do much for our chances--oh, and the farting thing too...

 

 

takes 1 heck of a soul to b with a woman who feel cozy doin the fart thingy

 

in a court thingy

 

eh?

 

Congratulations on being proud of yourself.

 

when i hang with a couple

 

they must be in a comfort zone

 

so do we

 

nuff say?

 

 

We'll find another way to get comfortable, thank you .

 

Thanks for moving my sweetie's thread to the top of the list, but we were hoping for pointers on how a shy guy can more easily show interest in a woman. I think he said he didn't feel comfortable flirting...if you read "farting", I suggest you check your reading prescription...Plus, he's not gassy. That's my role in the relationship -- but I do it in private.

[kingdruman 15]

 

actually.....

 

my post was to give an inkling of my sense of humor.....

 

neither farting nor meeting in courts of law are encouraged

 

yet...a zany sense of humor can be fun, at times...do you not agree?

 

for some...not their cuppa tea

[kingdruman 15]

my question...what would you do if someone flatulated?

 

~giggle~

 

i just allowed the cream to float to the top ....

 

i got mail

 

if ya cain't handle my humor

 

then ya cain't handle linda

 

i am the one who writes

 

i linda do truly have a sense of humor

 

that humor attracted king to me in the first place )

 

'whose on first...'

 

who can name that quote?

 

)

[intuition897 2,179]

my question...what would you do if someone flatulated?

 

~giggle~

 

 

Hi kingdruman, glad to see you're jumping right in and posting. But the original question was: "what qualities are you looking for in the other couple (especially the man) when you have your first face-to-face meeting over drinks or dinner? Where is the line between flirting and plain old creepiness?" and, "Any tips on ways I can open up some and be a little more attractive to the ladies without being phony?"

 

If you want an honest answer to your question, it's a good idea to start by searching for other threads that might answer it first (using keywords in the search feature in the drop-down menu at the top of the page), and then posting a new thread if that doesn't get you anything.

[graygo98 148]

We've always sat on our respective sides of the table when we meet a new couple. Do other people mix it up?

 

We usually split up ... sit opposite each other ... with Mr. & Ms Newfriends to either side of each of us. It seems to make for a more natural four way conversation and its easy to see how comfortable they are with us and each other in the situation. Also its a lot easier to flirt and touch when you are sitting right next to each other rather than across a table.

[LikeMinds321 1,527]

...what qualities are you looking for in the other couple (especially the man) when you have your first face-to-face meeting over drinks or dinner?

I like to see them happy to be with each other. They don't have to be all lovey-dovey to convey this either, in fact, when I see too much of a 'show of affection' it can be a sign that it's an act. In the couples conversation you can tell if they respect one another's views and if they listen to each other. That's very important to me.

 

From the man I like to know he's interested in what I have to say. I like men who are good listeners and can share tidbits of information about themselves that make me feel I'm being let in to their world. Eye contact is important. I see a lot in a man's eyes, how he looks at me. I also love to have him touch me at an opportune time, when the timing is right it can really turn up the sexual energy. Placing his hand on the top of mine while making a point during conversation, or at the back of my waist while we are moving through a tight crowd, are the tender touches that can make a strong connection.

 

Where is the line between flirting and plain old creepiness?

When a man looks at me like he hasn't had sex in a year and wants to jump my bones, that creeps me out. He sends the message that I'm nothing more than a piece of meat. Also, sexual innuendos throughout the meeting, that's a turn off. Either wait until you have received one from her and you're certain there's interest, or give one memorable one that will stand out and be something juicy for her to think about after returning home.

 

I'm pretty shy and unexperienced at flirting, so I tend to play it safe and I'm afraid I'm just coming across as boring....Any tips on ways I can open up some and be a little more attractive to the ladies without being phony?

Don't make yourself uncomfortable by trying to be something completely different. Instead, try to incorporate some new approaches a little at a time, see which work and which don't. I believe you'll be better off being observant and feeling each situation out and responding accordingly rather than living inside your head at those meetings trying to pre-plan what you should say or do next.

 

One of my favorite play partners is a shy guy. I could see this when we first met, but even though shy, he has an incredible way of making me feel special. I could tell he liked me and was so happy to be with me. I think that's what most women are looking for.

 

LM

[intuition897 2,179]

LM has some great suggestions. I agree that one should not try too hard to be something one is not. It's impossible to hide. And if you're being absolutely yourself, then you've just removed the stress of worrying that others will "see through you". Your wife likes you; so will others. And for the flirting, I'd say less is more. I'm not saying don't do it, I just mean don't OVER-do it. If you are attracted to the other woman, find subtle ways to let her know. No need for cat calls or over-the-top compliments. Just give her honest compliments...tell her you like her shoes (this one makes no sense to me, 'cause I'm just not a "shoe person", but apparently more women than not are impressed by it...go figure). If her outfit looks great on her, tell her so. But don't go on and on about it. LM is also right about subtle touching and eye contact. Both very sexy. Not leering mind you, but if there's a definite attraction, a good direct click of eye contact, and a slight smile while helping a woman out of the car, holding the door for her seating her at the table, etc. is a good bet to turn the temperature up a degree or two.

 

I think the key is to be comfortable. You're a man! Don't be afraid to exude that masculine energy! Think of guys like James Bond. Although you can do without the sexually loaded Austin-Powers-type puns, this was a man who knew how to ooze masculinity without resorting to belching or scratching his nuts. Or if you're more of the cowboy type, women are usually charmed by your boyishness, your tendency to treat a lady like a lady while excusing your "roughness" (an old fashioned notion, I know ), and if you can tip your hat and say "Yes ma'am!" in a genuine Southern drawl, you'd have THIS girl melted into a puddle. Give some thought to your "type" and think about what makes you sexy. Then just go with it.

[in4alook 15]

Just give her honest compliments...tell her you like her shoes (this one makes no sense to me, 'cause I'm just not a "shoe person", but apparently more women than not are impressed by it...go figure).

I think the key is to be comfortable. You're a man! Don't be afraid to exude that masculine energy! Think of guys like James Bond. Although you can do without the sexually loaded Austin-Powers-type puns, this was a man who knew how to ooze masculinity without resorting to belching or scratching his nuts.

 

 

 

 

I can help you with the shoe thing. It is a non-threatening compliment, it compliments a Lady’s sense of style. No way it could be a cover for "nice rack" when you say "nice blouse", or "nice butt" if you say "nice slacks".

 

I really like the James Bond metaphor. Cool confidence, never over the top. Confidence is an appealing trait in either sex.

 

I don't know how shy Mr. Fuse is. But this may help someone really shy of either sex. It depends on just how shy he is whether or not he could do the James Bond thing......might be running before he can walk. So I will give you advise for a really shy person and you take it from there. It doesn't matter what you are talking about in life the more you practice the better you get at it and some people are naturally gifted at it.

 

I suggest practicing when it doesn't count like baseball players do. By that I mean not when you are meeting someone on a couple date. If you are really shy, you and your wife go to your nearest mall on a busy day, walk down the mall and every now and then walk up to someone you might be attracted to and ask them what time it is. Then a simple thanks and move on. (Make sure you aren't wearing a watch BTW lol) This will get you used to talking to strangers, and by only going to people you are attracted to you will help keep the nerves in check when you are on "the couples date". Work your way up to stopping an attractive lady and striking up a short conversation like "I love those/that (shoes, top, skirt etc.) did you buy them here? I want to get that for my wife. Having your wife along will keep the lady from thinking you are trying to pick them up. Once you get the hang of talking to strangers, practice simple flirts in your everyday life. The girl at the check out counter, a waitress etc. Always keep it casual and fun without any pressure on yourself. Then why don't you practice on your wife while you are at it for the more advanced stuff. She will tell you if you are getting creepy. You should flirt on a daily bases with your wife anyway IMO.

[Mr. Fuse 15]

Thanks again everyone for you suggestions. We have three first meetings in the next week, so I should have plenty of opportunity to work on my flirting. Sorry, intuition897, I don't think I can pull off the James Bond or cowboy images, but if The Fuse says she wants to do a little role playing I can always work on it in private. She says she's willing to help me out with in4alook's idea of practicing at the mall so maybe we'll try some of that out.

[Thrax 384]

Mr. Fuse,

Welcome to the uncertainty of flirting, fellow introvert! Or welcome back…

 

For quite a large chunk of my early dating and relationships – and those were trying times (not only for me, btw) – I didn’t know how to flirt. I wasn’t assertive enough, I thought. I couldn’t find a topic of interest to her. Or I didn’t know when to move from talking about weather/music/movies/whatever to the nudge, nudge, wink, wink stuff. Luckily there were some extroverted women who took pity on me. VERY luckily for me.

 

Anyway, I had my flirting epiphany a year or two into working for a “professional” firm. Think law/consulting/architectural-type company where you have a lot of high-powered Type A personalities bringin’ in the six-figure salaries. Then there were the rest of us, the support staff. We had a total company staff of about 200 total.

 

At least once a quarter there would be a big holiday party, reception, cocktail party, or some other shindig for the entire staff and spouses/significant others. It was inevitable that most of the “professionals” (male and female) would peel away from the festivities and talk shop. Many of the professionals’ spouses (more wives than husbands) were young parents and would gather to talk kid stuff. A lot of the support staff would gather in their groups and complain about their bosses. Quite often, whether I had a date or not, I ended up talking with the small group of the professionals’ wives who wanted to talk about anything BUT those topics. Some of the women were child-free, others had advanced degrees that they were just sitting on while they raised the kids, others just wanted to talk about something other than kids and work.

 

Inevitably, within a few days after these parties I would hear from some of the female support staff members about how much I was flirting with so-and-so (a principal’s wife!). Or that partner’s fiancée! The first few times I was mystified, because I wasn’t trying to hit on any of these women. I didn’t see anything sexual about the conversations. Then I realized that we were having “good” conversation (I guess that would be satisfying social intercourse.) I realized that when I found an interesting topic of conversation (running, home maintenance horror stories, favorite novels, favorite travel destinations) with these women, I lost my shyness and became really engaged in the conversations. I was interested, I paid attention, I smiled and laughed or commiserated, I shared my thoughts, and I listened attentively.

 

What I hadn’t known is that flirting isn’t necessarily openly sexual and that it doesn’t always have a sexual goal. But flirting is too be interesting, fun, and stimulating for the parties involved. It involves eye contact, smiling, nods of approval or understanding, and good listening. It involves give-and-take: listening to her experiences and opinions and sharing yours.

 

Flirting is also in the eye of the beholder. And witnesses, if there are any.

 

So, yeah, several of the women I was accused of flirting with were exceptionally attractive, that if they hadn’t been already taken, I would have been interested. Several would be kindly described at that time as matronly (but as I’m nearing AARP age, I would now see many of them as contemporaries) and I would have had no sexual interest in. But, apparently it was noted by several women how I acted when talking to them, and that was called flirting.

 

So make of that what you will. If you find topics of conversation that you have in common with your potential swing partner (academics, exercise regimens, pets, food allergies, films, Benny Hill, lawn care products, whatever), then you are golden. Your enthusiasm will probably be evident and overshadow your shyness. If you can’t find a topic of mutual interest, then maybe you’ll find out something about a topic you never really paid attention to like origami, designer shoes, or stamp collecting. As was recommended in previous posts, make eye contact, smile a lot, be a good listener, and be yourself. People love to talk about their interests. Sometimes all they need are a few questions and a ready ear. Paying attention can pay dividends.

 

And if you can’t find ANYTHING interesting about a potential swing partner, then, of course, she’s not a potential swing partner.

 

Thrax

P.S. I wrote and re-wrote this over the past few days and I’m still not happy with it. Too bad. Let me know if you have questions.

[The Fuse 1,012]

Terrific insight as always, Thrax. My sweetie and I both appreciate all your thoughts, as well as everyone else's. He has been putting them into practice, and will continue to do so. He read your post and definitely started thinking about what you wrote. Thanks.

[Mr. Fuse 15]

Dito to what the love of my life said. I was thinking of your advice, Thrax, during a platonic meeting we had the other night. I felt that she and I hit it off best when we were discussing topics of mutual interest and I was really engrossed in the conversation, and would forget that I was supposed to be afraid to make eye contact and keep my personality bottle up. Unfortunately, that was about the only chemistry going on at the table.

 

I haven't had a chance to try the strategically-timed touching of the hand or arm, but it's been done to me a couple of times recently and danged if ain't like a little zap of electricity right through the whole body!

 

Mr. Fuse,

For quite a large chunk of my early dating and relationships – and those were trying times (not only for me, btw) – I didn’t know how to flirt. I wasn’t assertive enough, I thought. I couldn’t find a topic of interest to her. Or I didn’t know when to move from talking about weather/music/movies/whatever to the nudge, nudge, wink, wink stuff.

 

Strangely enough, I've discovered that a good topic of shared interest is . . . swinging! I've been surprised how comfortable I am talking to the other woman, and the man, about swing-related topics, such as how long they've been contemplating trying the lifestyle (if they're newbies), what kind of good advice they can share (if they're not), etc. We Fuses always make sure we put in a plug for this board.

 

I think in the distant past when I was single and dating, a lot of the lack of comfort during dating came from all the uncertainty: is she interested, is she not, am I acting too interested, etc. Now, I know she's at least a little interested because she saw a picture of my butt and she still showed up! Also, you don't have to worry about when to switch to the nudge, nudge, wink, wink stuff; you're already there!

[BorisNatasha 63]

This is one of the best threads I've read on this board for a long time. Thanks everyone for your input. Flirting is always something I've had trouble with, while Natasha can flirt as easily as breathing. This thread has definitely given me some things to think about.

 

Boris

[The Fuse 1,012]

This is one of the best threads I've read on this board for a long time. Thanks everyone for your input. Flirting is always something I've had trouble with, while Natasha can flirt as easily as breathing. This thread has definitely given me some things to think about.

 

Boris

 

Mr. Fuse and I are both very glad you enjoyed this thread. The ideas on it are serving him well. As we meet more couples and the ladies are showing more interest in him, I can feel his confidence growing .

 

He got in a great line last night during a first meeting. The gentleman was giving his wife a good-natured hard time by saying "Yes, she used to be really pretty." Mr. Fuse came back with "Oh, you're talking about five minutes ago, right?" I couldn't believe my ears. I just leaned in, pointed to my sweetie, and said, "I married him". She said she could tell why I did .