Different limits for husband and wife

[blinkey 15]

We were wondering what everyone thought about the husband and wife each having different limits of what they will do while playing. For example, suppose you met a couple where the wife would full-swap but the husband would only give/receive oral. They're happy with themselves, and comfortable with the situation, but, as their play-mates, would you be happy too?

 

I'm not trying to look for advice, but am trying to get a feel for how such an arrangement would be received. (This is *not* my situation by the way, but the topic came up yesterday and we disagreed. Thus we though we'd ask here.) Are most people swinging at the same level, or is it common to have different limits? Would you avoid such a couple?

[good times 991]

First I have to say that we swing pretty much at the same level ourselves. I have to admit though that I'm not sure I am clear on what your asking as your poll and your question seem to be asking two different things. I answered the poll based on what we do, but as to your question about us swinging with others who had different levels for the man and the women I would say we probably wouldn't go there. We tend to shy away from people that have limits that differ from our own very much.

[all4fun 18]

My hubby and I brought this up just yesterday. I tend to be more aggressive than him. He is concerned with the fact that he is not keeping up with me. In the vanilla world, I am more out going in general and he is more reserved. There is no difference with the swinging. I have tried to explain that we all move in a different pace and there is no reason for his concern. He should take his time and do what feels right.

 

We were with our first couple this past weekend and I again was more aggressive. He was a little nervous and he talked more than anything. A little shy. Afterwards, he felt embarrassed that he didn't take more initiative. It ended up with us together and the other couple together. This was sooooo fine with me but he felt that I wanted more. I tried to explain that the whole scene was perfect and he will become more comfortable over time. This is only the second weekend we attended a club anyway. (We are completely new to the scene.) He did make some progress from the first time. Baby steps is the only way.

 

He says he really is into this and wants to keep going. He loves the views. But he has never been one to jump in the pool with out testing the water. I have faith in him and he will be skinny dipping in no time.

[WesternSwing 504]

Mrs. WS and I are at the same level, and we've played with couples where there were different limits, but usually it has more to do with the husband being able to do whatever he wants and the wife having limitations, usually set by the husband. We've not ran into your scenario where the wife has a longer leash then the husband. But it has all been good as long as going into it we knew that is what is going to happen. To get to the point of no return and then be told "oh by the way, I can only do oral on you. You understand, right?" can suck. We don't have a problem playing with such a couple as long as we know beforehand that is the arrangement.

[Spoomonkey 421]

In our case, we run at the pace of the slowest person. I may have wider boundaries, but I am still going to play within Mrs Spoo's. Or visa versa - which is more often the case (shameless slut* that she is ).

 

For us, the only rule is respect. I know what is too much for her and I won't go there. She knows what would hurt me - and she doesn't go there. And if we met a couple where she could full swap and he couldn't - we'd probably not play with them beyond their "slowest pace."

 

*Slut is a compliment at our house.

[playncouple 15]

I think a lot of people are on different levels. We are on different levels on occasion. Sometimes all you want is to watch or go the oral route, while your partner wants full. Either way, as long as your both comfortable with it, it shouldn't matter. Surrender

[TeamSoBe 36]

For example, suppose you met a couple where the wife would full-swap but the husband would only give/receive oral. They're happy with themselves, and comfortable with the situation, but, as their play-mates, would you be happy too?

 

This describes my wife and I. She's willing to fuck on the first date but I never have been. Second, third date no problem but I'm just shy. I'm learning to be less shy and sooner or later I'll fuck a girl on the first date but I'm just not there yet. Until then I'm happy with my wife fucking the guy half of couples we meet right away because it helps to send a clear signal that yes we do like you and we are willing to play. My normal goal lately is to try to make sure that I've at least gone down on all of the girls who showed up with all of the guys who fuck my wife each night.

 

In terms of what people think of us, it has been useful. At least one woman took a pretty foul attitude about it and expressed her frustration with me in some cranky, pissy terms. We didn't have much interest in her or her husband after that. Another couple, the guy was totally oblivious even after our second time to the fact that he was getting laid but his wife wasn't. Not concerned about whether I was having fun, whether his wife was having fun, or even if my wife was comfortable, he just wanted to stick his erection in my wife who was much more attractive than his wife. His obliviousness is why I never felt comfortable going further with his wife. We ditched them and never looked back. Both of those couples have left a trail of drama in their wake elsewhere and we're glad to have rejected them easily and early. Our attitude is that people who can't handle me being a shy gentleman and her being a slut can just suck it.

 

Some of our best friends in the world now are couples where the guy went ahead and tagged my wife ASAP the first time we first got naked, but then when they realized afterward that I was shy and slow the guy pulled back and gave me some room to operate. When a couple is cool enough to see what's going on and accomodate us, we're sold. We keep those couples. There are enough cool couples who accept our half-swap-initially style for us to have more than our share of fun.

 

A warning to swinger newbies: all of this talk about going at the pace of the slowest person is bullshit. Especially if the slowest person is male. It's just not realistic, TRUST ME on this. In general people will NOT respect your need to go more slowly unless you're vocal about stopping things that have already started. Once you start out into the 'real world' you can fully expect an experienced guy to have one hand on the rubber that he's putting on and another hand on your wife's hip within five minutes of the first nakedness breaking out. Swingers are not big on foreplay or slow seductions. They will just assume that they're entitled to fuck her unless you tell them not to and they will want to do it with your wife immediately because she's the new girl. So no chance to 'take it slowly' and 'go at the pace of the slowest person' because nobody ever thinks about the possiblity that the slowest person is one of the men. You can always say 'wait, please slow down, I'm not ready for that yet' if you want but the simple reality of it is that you can't constantly go around telling people 'no stay off of my wife' if you really do want to get into the party.

[2jersey 16]

This scenario has been described in the past as 3/4 swap, link here: She wants to be with others but isn't ready for him to be

[TeamSoBe 36]

2jersey said:

This scenario has been described in the past as 3/4 swap

 

Well, almost. I strongly prefer to think of it as a full-swap in slow-motion. I wouldn't be happy at all if the intent the whole time was for it to never go down between myself and the other girl. I'm just slower than my wife.

 

When I first met my wife I joked with her that I didn't have sex with a girl until I knew her middle name. She ends up pushing me down and grunting "ANNE!! MY MIDDLE NAME IS ANNE!!" Well this weekend I went down on a girl and then asked her what he name was after. So there.

[meandher2go 17]

at first I (me) was more willing to play in certain situations but now her is just as willing and enjoys it just as much as I do.

[NandTfromCA 84]

meandher2go said:

at first I (me) was more willing to play in certain situations but now her is just as willing and enjoys it just as much as I do.

Dito

 

Although I will change "willing" to "relaxed". I have always jumped into things full speed as long as I don't think it's gonna kill me, or hurt someone else. N has been eager since our first experience but can get a little nervous when we try new things. So, to some degree she does set the pace but it’s plenty fast for me.

[JustAskJulie 2,595]

Luckily, this is not us either. I would have to say that if we encountered a couple like this and we chose to swing with them it would be at the most strict limits (no intercourse).

 

I just can't see where this would work out well for anyone but themselves. It's great if they are happy, but why should one of us lose out on some fun ?

[Willing29 66]

This can only lead to a situation of one person in the party feeling left out. So for us it is a red flag and we just stay away. There are plenty of people out there with your own limits.

[TheDeal 117]

TeamSoBe said:

A warning to swinger newbies: all of this talk about going at the pace of the slowest person is bullshit. Especially if the slowest person is male. It's just not realistic, TRUST ME on this. In general people will NOT respect your need to go more slowly unless you're vocal about stopping things that have already started. Once you start out into the 'real world' you can fully expect an experienced guy to have one hand on the rubber that he's putting on and another hand on your wife's hip within five minutes of the first nakedness breaking out. Swingers are not big on foreplay or slow seductions. They will just assume that they're entitled to fuck her unless you tell them not to and they will want to do it with your wife immediately because she's the new girl. So no chance to 'take it slowly' and 'go at the pace of the slowest person' because nobody ever thinks about the possibility that the slowest person is one of the men. You can always say 'wait, please slow down, I'm not ready for that yet' if you want but the simple reality of it is that you can't constantly go around telling people 'no stay off of my wife' if you really do want to get into the party.

 

OMG! I think we're brothers! I always joked that I never had sex with a girl I had not known for a year or more. What you say about the LS is true when it comes to guys. We are stereo-typed into being able to just go when given the word. I much prefer to go slow and enjoy every inch of a women's body. I also have had plenty of play times (back when I was single) where I would go down on a girl and keep my clothes on.

[lustylearning 705]

People need to set the rules they're comfortable with, but as potential play partners with such a couple, I'd be looking at that situation as a win/lose for me and my better half.

[Guest cpl4funindel]

We only play as a couple, and move at the pace of the least comfortable of the two of us. Which of us that is seems to change based on the situation and who we're with, but we're pretty good at keeping track of what the other is doing and how they're feeling about things. The big thing is making sure no one feels left out or less important.

[gnb4u 15]

This can only lead to a situation of one person in the party feeling left out. So for us it is a red flag and we just stay away. There are plenty of people out there with your own limits.

 

I somewhat disagree with your first sentence but do agree with your last. As long as the people with the same limits match up and their partners are ok with it you are good to go.

 

There are quite a few couples out there that have different comfort levels and different speeds. If the female of one half is ready to go and the male of the other half is as well and each of their partners are both still several laps behind there really isn't anything wrong with two people partying like porn stars while the other two are still doing the touchy feely thing.

 

In order for it to work it will need a good degree of communication, understanding and sensitivity though but it certainly can be done and everyone can come away with a smile and no drama.

[slevin 1,374]

warning to swinger newbies: all of this talk about going at the pace of the slowest person is bullshit. Especially if the slowest person is male. It's just not realistic, TRUST ME on this. In general people will NOT respect your need to go more slowly unless you're vocal about stopping things that have already started. Once you start out into the 'real world' you can fully expect an experienced guy to have one hand on the rubber that he's putting on and another hand on your wife's hip within five minutes of the first nakedness breaking out. Swingers are not big on foreplay or slow seductions.

 

This has not been our experience at all; perhaps things are different given different 'ways' of swinging, but this scenario that TeamSoBe is warning of has never even come close to happening when we've played. We go into a club with the intention of finding one couple to play with and we're diligent about communicating what we're up for and understanding what they are up for. As others said, we go at the most restrictive pace of everyone involved. Most often though we meet a couple for drinks outside the club and see if we want to go any further with them. If we do then we're clear about what everyone is comfortable with and we won't go any further than everyone is comfortable with. We wouldn't be ok with one of us doing full swap and the other not, we just wouldn't be comfortable with that but we would be totally comfortable with only doing soft swap if one of the other couple was only comfortable with going that far.

 

Any newbies reading through this, TeamSoBe's warning has not been our experience at all. In addition to that we are totally comfortable with shutting things down if anyone doesn't act the way we expect, we also make sure to be clear about what we'll do before we get naked. If anyone goes further than that after we're naked then we won't be shy about speaking up or shutting things down.

[realcplub2 513]

A warning to swinger newbies: all of this talk about going at the pace of the slowest person is bullshit. Especially if the slowest person is male. It's just not realistic, TRUST ME on this. In general people will NOT respect your need to go more slowly unless you're vocal about stopping things that have already started. Once you start out into the 'real world' you can fully expect an experienced guy to have one hand on the rubber that he's putting on and another hand on your wife's hip within five minutes of the first nakedness breaking out. Swingers are not big on foreplay or slow seductions. They will just assume that they're entitled to fuck her unless you tell them not to and they will want to do it with your wife immediately because she's the new girl. So no chance to 'take it slowly' and 'go at the pace of the slowest person' because nobody ever thinks about the possiblity that the slowest person is one of the men. You can always say 'wait, please slow down, I'm not ready for that yet' if you want but the simple reality of it is that you can't constantly go around telling people 'no stay off of my wife' if you really do want to get into the party.

 

No one has ever said on this board or anywhere else that there is a ONE SIZE FITS ALL approach to swinging.. Everyone has thier personal preferences and freedom of CHOICE.. Telling anyone who is here to learn that once things start there is NO STOPPING? Its slamming the doors on newbies who might be a bit more nervous, before they even start..

[JustAskJulie 2,595]

A warning to swinger newbies: all of this talk about going at the pace of the slowest person is bullshit. Especially if the slowest person is male. It's just not realistic, TRUST ME on this. In general people will NOT respect your need to go more slowly unless you're vocal about stopping things that have already started. Once you start out into the 'real world' you can fully expect an experienced guy to have one hand on the rubber that he's putting on and another hand on your wife's hip within five minutes of the first nakedness breaking out. Swingers are not big on foreplay or slow seductions. They will just assume that they're entitled to fuck her unless you tell them not to and they will want to do it with your wife immediately because she's the new girl. So no chance to 'take it slowly' and 'go at the pace of the slowest person' because nobody ever thinks about the possiblity that the slowest person is one of the men. You can always say 'wait, please slow down, I'm not ready for that yet' if you want but the simple reality of it is that you can't constantly go around telling people 'no stay off of my wife' if you really do want to get into the party.

 

I highlighted the most important parts of the above paragraph (IMO). Regardless of who the slowest person is, you do HAVE TO BE VOCAL about your limits. You can't expect other people to stick to your limits if you don't enforce them. And it's not just up to the slower person to enforce them, it's up to both of you as a couple. It's up to your wife to be checking with you before she allows anything to happen with her to make sure you are ok and then to stop things when you are not.

 

We are also in this situation, where the man is the slower one in the progress (and that's really only because I was involved in this long before we got together). I keep that in mind as we play with others and I let him set the pace. If we are with a couple and the guy is trying to move things past what I know my husband would be comfortable with, then I put things on pause and check with my husband to see where he is and what he's ok with. If I don't feel that he's ok/ ready to go that far then I VERBALLY put the brakes on.

 

If some guy has his hand on the condom and the other on your wife's hip about to fuck her regardless of your limits, then that's an issue you need to take up with your wife and she needs to start putting on the brakes as well.

[slevin 1,374]

If some guy has his hand on the condom and the other on your wife's hip about to fuck her regardless of your limits, then that's an issue you need to take up with your wife and she needs to start putting on the brakes as well.

 

Great point and definitely important. You both need to be into whats going on and looking out for each other!

[strathmore 20]

I'm likely going to hear that this is the wrong forum for this, but...

This is totally is totally common (mandatory) in the cuckold/hotwife world whether mild or extreme. And then there's fmf and mfm... And then there's voyeurism...

 

Different strokes for different folks.

[Greg & Sheryl 368]

...suppose you met a couple where the wife would full-swap but the husband would only give/receive oral. They're happy with themselves, and comfortable with the situation, but, as their play-mates, would you be happy too?

To address this specific example, we would assume that the male was suffering from some kind of erectile dysfunction. We don't have a problem with limits, per se, but Sheryl is all about the dick when it come to playtime, so this situation would leave her unsatisfied.