Couples who don't play at a swing club

[Wildthingplus 47]

Question: What the heck is up with those couples who go to a swing club and all they want to do is dance & have a few drinks? My husband and I observe this behavior all the time. We see couples come in to a club, dance a while, then leave. I thought the whole point of going to a swinger's club was to swing! Seems like a no-brainer to me.

[jm77723 15]

We know what you mean. That happened to us a few weeks ago. Another couple sends us an email on SLS and chats with us. He sends us a picture of the wife topless and two pics of his penis. We then meet for casual drinks and discuss that we are into swinging. They are interested and have gone to dances but have not done anything yet.

 

So now we meet them at a local swingers dance, they get a room and we all start to drink etc. At one point I ask her to dance and she turns me down!!!

Hard to believe. We find out they they only wanted to come to the dance to dance with eachother and play with eachother.

 

So like you we don't understand these people. You come to a swingers dance or club; what do you expect???

[kevin&danielle 16]

Well I can understand couples going to a club to see what it is like and only stick to each other but it does seem strange for a couple to be going to a club for 5 years and never doing anything. We met just such a couple last fall We talked to them for over an hour before they revealed this fact to us

[VegasLee 1,486]

I hate to say this is the "norm" anymore. Believe it or not, there is more couples that go to clubs and don't play then there is couples that do play. We have seen this in many clubs. Not just the one we host at. Many of them been going to the clubs for years now also.

 

The part that kind of surprised me for a while was the people that will spend the big money to go to swingers conventions and they don't play at all.

 

They are there for the atmosphere and the excitement but they will not play with anyone but their own Spouse. MOST of the people that come to the swingers convention are NOT swingers in the true sense of the word.

 

Welcome to the new lifestyle. Surrender

[VanHlebar 187]

Wow.. that seems like a pretty steep price to pay for what would essentially be a cover charge to get into a bar. I understand going maybe a few times to see if it is your thing or not, and I can even understand going just so you can have sex in open places with your spouse or SO, but to go and then just leave seems like a pricey night out to me.

 

-Van

[WesternSwing 504]

We see it quite often and really don't have a problem with it. These people just like the more liberal atmosphere then what is usually encountered at a vanilla club, which sometimes is just a meat-market fashion show with a bunch of young pretties right off their 21st birthday and thinking they're being hot by dancing with another chick. And their boyfriends get all hot about it until some guy looks at their girlfriend and then the liquid courage coursing through their veins takes hold and you have a fight on your hands.

 

See, I have more problems with posers at vanilla clubs then those open-minded sorts that like swingers parties, even if they don't play.

 

Mr. WS

[good times 991]

Our observation has been about the same as Lee's, in fact, most of the people we see at the clubs aren't even swingers by my definition. Then again, we have been accused of this ourselves before. The reason for that is twofold;

 

One - we hardly ever play at the club itself, we do sometimes, but very rarely. We just prefer playing at home so will often meet new playmates at the club but then adjorn to one or the others house for play.

 

Two - We are pretty picky when it comes to hooking up for play and it isn't uncommon for us to attend a club party and not find anyone who interests us sexually.

 

So someone that didn't know us but observes us at the clubs might get the impression that we don't play either.

[aztecgirl 15]

Trying to introduce the idea of swinging to my husband & I was thinking a good way would be just that. Going to a club & just being with eachother. I would want to play or swap w/others but I think the 1st few visits would be to not play. I think after a few visits without playing would be enough though. I get the sense that it begins to feel like a strip club w/out getting paid.

[gandm00 15]

I would'nt be too hard on those that stick to themselves. When we started out we were much like that, dancing together and being very nervous when ever anyone approached us. It took us a year before we met a couple who made us comfortable enough to get started. That was 4 years ago.

But during that year when we stuck together we did enjoy ourselves. The sexy atmosphere and the feeling of naughtyness fueled many a good night between us. Of course now that we are right in the swing of things it's even better.

It just takes some couples more time to get involved. Let them advance at their own pace.

[bear_and_babe 68]

I know several couples who go to our club who do not play. Their reason for going to a swing club is that everyone understands that no means no. They hate going to vanilla clubs and having to deal with the drama that sometimes can happen at vanilla clubs.

 

And I also have to agree with good times. Sometimes we go to the club and for some reason we just don't see anyone we feel like playing with. So Bear and I will just dance, play pool, hit the hot tub and have fun with each other. So I guess if someone new watched us they would assume that we are not true swingers.

 

Frankly, if Bear and I ever decided to not play anymore we would still go to the club to dance and be with each other. I find that swing clubs are a lot more friendly and open then vanilla clubs. I have a hard time remembering how to act in vanilla bars. They tend to get upset at vanilla clubs when you dance topless!

[JnCC 24]

I don't know...I go to Karaoke bars but I don't sing. I go to sports bars but I don't watch the game. I go to dance clubs but rarely dance. What's the big deal about going to a swing club and not swinging?

 

Seriously...I'm probably one of the people you're talking about. A friend and I have been going to a couple of the local clubs about once or twice a month for the last 6-8 months, but we haven't played with anybody. At first, I took her there just to feel her out, and get a sense of whether or not she was OK with this stuff. I was pleased to learn that she was...but because we're still relatively new with each other, there hasn't been any pressing "need" for either of us to be with anybody else during that period of time. She has a few fantasies (as do I) that involve others, and when we meet the right person or persons, I'm sure we'll explore them. But for right now, we're happy to play a little pool, hit the hot tub, maybe flash some T&A or trade an occasional "cheap grope" with passersby in the social areas...and fuck each others brains out.

 

We're not turning our noses up at this. We both understand that if and when we do meet somebody we're interested enough to "cross over" with, we're just gonna do it. We've already discussed rules, boundaries, basic "requirements" that the other person/persons must meet, and whatnot. We just haven't met the right people yet.

 

Something else that factors into our seeming "non-interest" in playing at clubs is that we don't live together, and we're both free to see other people. So it's not exactly a "novelty" for either of us to have sex with somebody else if that's all we want to do. Everybody needs a little "strange" from time-to-time, and being single puts both of us in an excellent position to get it individually. Hence, the notion of a relative "quickie" in a room with a stranger loses some of it's attraction when compared to an entire evening spent with a "date."

 

I DO understand some folks discomfort at non-players in certain areas of a swing club. When I did this with my ex-, it used to annoy the Holy Piss out of us that some clubs would allow people in street clothes to wander around the premises all night, as if we (the active participants) were circus freaks, there to amuse those too uptight to get naked, get down, and fuck. I'm still sensitive to the issue, which is why if I sense that we don't "fit" into the activities or the general mood of a certain area of a club, we'll quietly leave the area or retire to a room.

 

Sorry for the long post, but it was a good question, and it deserved a thorough and complete answer.

[intuition897 2,179]

I hate to say this is the "norm" anymore. Believe it or not, there is more couples that go to clubs and don't play then there is couples that do play. We have seen this in many clubs. Not just the one we host at. Many of them been going to the clubs for years now also.

 

The part that kind of surprised me for a while was the people that will spend the big money to go to swingers conventions and they don't play at all.

 

They are there for the atmosphere and the excitement but they will not play with anyone but their own Spouse. MOST of the people that come to the swingers convention are NOT swingers in the true sense of the word.

 

Welcome to the new lifestyle. Surrender

 

Hey Lee, I'll bet if you opened a club specifically aimed at soft-swingers you get just that: soft-swingers...but then give them a few visits and their exhibitionist streak will start to unfurl. Without the "intimidation" factor, whether real or imagined", of a full-swap on-premises club, more couples would likely be a little more bold. You know how it is: you tell someone they can't do something, and what do they do?

[Wildthingplus 47]

I'm glad to hear I'm not the only one experiencing this problem. However, I'd like to address the issue of going to a sports club and not watching the game, going to a dance club and not dancing etc...What the Heck for? If I go an amusement park, for goodness' sake, I'm there to ride, not wander around!

 

Yes, I understand people like the more lenient atmosphere than what you find at a regular club, but Geez, people, on a Saturday night at a crowded place, there's got to be someone you find appealing enough to play with! However, we can tell who the players are, even if they choose not play that particular night. But, I was feeling kind of awkward at a couple of the clubs I went to, because the non-players were sending out vibes of "This is no longer a swingers' club. We've invaded and you're no longer welcome here." I think so many non-players really subtract from the club environment.

[Pepper & Drew 384]

We've never been to an on-prem club, but I'd be willing to bet if we did that we'd be the folks that were just hanging out.....and we ARE swingers. It's just that I'm not into putting on a free show and Drew can't really relax if he's worried about someone that I don't want touching me is touching me. Hell. we go to off-prem parties and more often than not, we don't hook up with anyone that night. Now, we may meet up with them later, on a couple to couple basis, but I can understand people coming to spend time with like-minded people, but aren't necessarily on the prowl.

 

Pepper

[Better Half 15]

We are newbies so we have a limited perspective compared to most. Who knows, maybe a year from now we will go back and read our own early posts and wonder how we could have been so stupid.

 

For our first brush with swinging we decided to go to an on-premise club. We didn't know anyone the first night, and we were definitely like fish out of water. We certainly didn't play because we didn't even know if we would continue down the road. We had sex in a room by ourselves (doors and blinds closed) because just doing it in a semi-public place turned us on. We essentially did the same thing the next night. So we certainly did not play with anyone else, but then again it was our first two times in a club.

 

When we look back on this a year from now maybe we will feel different. Right now I compare it to a regular organization of which I am a member. We have lots of members that pay their yearly dues and then never show up for the activities (which are free). Some people complain about the people that never come out, but not me. If they want to pay the dues and then not come out, that is more room for me at the activities, and more money for the organization. Even if people come to a club and don't swing, they still probably pay an entrance fee. If they didn't come, maybe the club owners would have to raise the entrance fee for everyone.

 

However, I can see that my analogy above does not fit this situation exactly. I can understand that it would be frustrating to talk with people all night only to find out that they never had any intention of playing, no matter what.

[NakedInSeattle 159]

My feelings on this (and I've stated it before) is that some people like to go to swing clubs, parties, etc. and stay on the "fringe" of swinging. I think it makes them feel "naughty." They'll probably never jump in. There is always the voyeur aspect as well.

[JnCC 24]

I'd like to address the issue of going to a sports club and not watching the game, going to a dance club and not dancing etc...What the Heck for? If I go an amusement park, for goodness' sake, I'm there to ride, not wander around!

In my case, the reason I go to sports clubs and dance clubs is pretty simple...that's where the women are. Beer, music, and tits are all very effective distractions from the "Look at them Bengals go!" mentality of most sports bars around here. If sports were the only thing to watch, and dancing was the only thing to do, I'd probably be spending a lot more time at home.

 

Geez, people, on a Saturday night at a crowded place, there's got to be someone you find appealing enough to play with!

Geez, you would think so! But there's more to it than just finding somebody whose "parts" fit with ours. This will be her first experience in this sort of enviornment. I think it's more important that it be a positive one, than it is to do it by somebody else's timetable. Again, my reasoning is simple...if this never turns into a "committed relationship" of some sort, I don't want her to leave thinking that she was "used" or that her basic values were compromised in some way. Nor do I want to leave her with an inaccurate impression of what this lifestyle is really about, which I fear could happen if we hop into bed with somebody just because they're "cute" or "available."

 

A house party would be the ideal situation for us, but for a number of reasons, I'm somewhat hesitant to contact any of the couples who host them in our area.

 

If she weren't open to the possibility of this, we wouldn't bother going to a club in the first place. At this stage, knowing that any visit could turn into our first swinging experience carries a pretty high titillation factor in and of itself. But until the right combination of people, place, and mood come together, we're happy just to "be"

[EvilMJ 65]

I actually agree with JNCC on this one.

 

I go to gay bars, but I am not there to hook up and I am not gay

I got to a kareoke bar, but I do not sing

and I go to swingers dances, but don't always hook up

 

To each is own. Some people like the naughtiness factor, the voyerism of it all.

 

They don't bother me all that much

[imsnowman 34]

Why is this a problem? :rollseyes

Each to their own. Have fun your way and let others have fun their way.

[jennandjamesinm 87]

Not everyone is at a swinger's club to play. At the club that we go to, there are always newbies that are just checking out the scene or people that just like to go for the atmosphere. We go in with the thought that we aren't going to play, but that we are going to have a good time. We might dance, drink and talk to others, but never head back to the rooms to play on some nights. The last time that we went, we ended up at a table with 3 brand new couples and James ended up being the "ambassador of swing" and we talked openly to these newbies. At least we don't have to deal with the assholes that are at vanilla clubs, the door charge is too steep for the riff-raff that frequent vanilla bars. To each his own we say.

 

Jenn

[nhouston 15]

I didn't realize it was 'all or nothing'. We are very new to this and go to a off-site club in Houston a couple of times a month. We have no intention of swapping with anyone at this time but do enjoy the atmosphere. We are getting more comfortable with each other and the lifestyle each visit but- it may take us months before we swing, if ever. We do enjoy meeting other couples and our 'newness' hasn't seemed to be an issue so far.

[imsnowman 34]

I didn't realize it was 'all or nothing'. We are very new to this and go to a off-site club in Houston a couple of times a month. We have no intention of swapping with anyone at this time but do enjoy the atmosphere. We are getting more comfortable with each other and the lifestyle each visit but- it may take us months before we swing, if ever. We do enjoy meeting other couples and our 'newness' hasn't seemed to be an issue so far.

 

It absolutely is not "all or nothing". If you're having fun continue. Some folks may have a problem but that's their problem. It's not something you have to fix or cater to.

[lovedoctor 15]

We are newbies so we have a limited perspective compared to most. Who knows, maybe a year from now we will go back and read our own early posts and wonder how we could have been so stupid.

 

For our first brush with swinging we decided to go to an on-premise club. We didn't know anyone the first night, and we were definitely like fish out of water. We certainly didn't play because we didn't even know if we would continue down the road. We had sex in a room by ourselves (doors and blinds closed) because just doing it in a semi-public place turned us on. We essentially did the same thing the next night. So we certainly did not play with anyone else, but then again it was our first two times in a club.

 

When we look back on this a year from now maybe we will feel different. Right now I compare it to a regular organization of which I am a member. We have lots of members that pay their yearly dues and then never show up for the activities (which are free). Some people complain about the people that never come out, but not me. If they want to pay the dues and then not come out, that is more room for me at the activities, and more money for the organization. Even if people come to a club and don't swing, they still probably pay an entrance fee. If they didn't come, maybe the club owners would have to raise the entrance fee for everyone.

 

However, I can see that my analogy above does not fit this situation exactly. I can understand that it would be frustrating to talk with people all night only to find out that they never had any intention of playing, no matter what.

 

I hope you don't think that you were stupid starting out a year from now! Naieve and inexperienced perhaps, but your posts on this board have been articulate, well thought out and wise beyond your experiences to date. So keep on posting and growing in your experience.

 

I really do like your idea of playing by yourselves until you got used to "the scene."

 

Mr LD and I have yet to go to an on premise club by ourselves. I am always a little nervous even with the couple we go with regularly. Maybe that is because I have not taken the time to get to know anyone else there. That is starting to change a little bit now that I do not feel like such a wallflower. I don't know why I haven't totally gotten beyond the "nervous" feeling whenever we walk in there since that's just not like me! I usually feel like I own the room, LOL...

 

OK, back to the thread....

[JnCC 24]

I actually agree with JNCC on this one.

My dear, we probably agree on more than you think. We're just standing at opposite ends of the same elephant...

[04kingpin 15]

We have been planning to visit some local clubs with no intention of playing until we were sure there would be no issues between us. Some people seem to forget that it is a huge step. One of the reasons we havnt yet is we were worried about the reaction we would get from others if we didnt play. I see now that some people take offense to non players. I hope they are in the minority. It seems to me that for first time players there SHOULD be some reservations.

[HotMoCpl 20]

Okay, I'm gonna play hard ball right back. It is estimated that nearly 75% of those who go to off premise swing clubs.....get this....do not swing. I'm leaving it to my wife to find the partner we both want and it is not an easy task. There is so much to consider. If you run into us, please don't be offended, but we will take our sweet time to find the right play friend(s).

[WesternSwing 504]

We have been planning to visit some local clubs with no intention of playing until we were sure there would be no issues between us. Some people seem to forget that it is a huge step. One of the reasons we havnt yet is we were worried about the reaction we would get from others if we didnt play. I see now that some people take offense to non players. I hope they are in the minority. It seems to me that for first time players there SHOULD be some reservations.

It is very much the minority, at least with the folks we know. All are welcome. It's more about the party then who's doing who, or if they are even doing at all. And if someone is really concerned about that, then they probably aren't right for you to begin with. So go and have fun.

 

Mr. WS

[Guest dscouple2]

Quite a few times, we've gone to our local club, socialized, had a few drinks, danced, didn't see anyone we felt like hooking up with, and ended up screwing each others brains out by ourselves. First we're 'softies', secondly, we're picky - especially me (annie). While I enjoy women, there are very few and far between that ignite something that make me want them, and there are very few straight softies out there.

Bad annie

[ktown 15]

We have been going to our local club for years and clubs around the world and we don't swap at all but we are into watching and being watched which no body has ever had a problem with that and we have met some good people.The sights and sounds of the clubs are some of our best memories.There might be a lot less people playing now days also because of S.T.D.S which are always on peoples minds and condoms don't stop everything all the time.

We could never go to a club and just dance because there is just too much hot stuff going on so if they can handle it more power to them.

[Chicup 41]

The big pain in the ass for us are posers.

 

We don't go to a club expecting to play every time, but we go with the 'if things work out' mind set in terms of playing.

 

So we meet a nice couple and chat, and chat, and chat, they seem great, they seem interested in us, its getting late, oh well not tonight lets exchange numbers/email. Oh sorry we are busy that night, etc.

 

Later we find out that this is what they always do, and they don't play. Great, turns out he just likes to watch people having sex.

 

Another couple, really nice, our age, etc etc, chat, chat, naked hot tub. Oh we are more into being nudists...sigh.

 

Getting to go out for us is a biggish deal, we need a baby sitter, the right timing with a ton of other life commitments on the table, to be in the right mood, the right time of the month, etc. We go to a swingers club we want to find SWINGERS. If you are new and unsure thats fine, if you don't find anyone there attractive, thats fine, if you decide you are not in the mood tonight thats fine, but when you have NO intention of ever playing you are wasting our very limited time.

 

We are not part of the slutty crowd, we like to get to know people a little, talk about normal things, and this makes us 'safe' for the posers. Its happened offen enough that we won't go to a club unless its to meet someone we know or talked with prior to going. I'd hate to join the 'wanna fuck' crowd, its not our style, but we are not there to just people watch or be part of a fashion show.

[Chicup 41]

We have been going to our local club for years and clubs around the world and we don't swap at all but we are into watching and being watched which no body has ever had a problem with that and we have met some good people.The sights and sounds of the clubs are some of our best memories.

 

Do you tell people you are not swingers or do you say 'goodnight' and shake hands at the end of the night?

 

We were polite and nice and understanding the times we ran into this, but it doesn't mean we were not disapointed and felt we did not get the most out of our trip to the club.

 

Few people would call you on this, we are too polite too, but don't fool yourself into thinking that new couple talking to you just wants to for your stimulating dialog.

[ktown 15]

We let people know when we start talking to them what we are about so they have a choice to stay and talk or look someplace else and even when we have been in a non-English speaking country people have never had a problem. We have met people at the dinner had good conversations about every day things and swinging and then see them playing later with a smile on their face.

[imsnowman 34]

Do you tell people you are not swingers or do you say 'goodnight' and shake hands at the end of the night?

 

We were polite and nice and understanding the times we ran into this, but it doesn't mean we were not disapointed and felt we did not get the most out of our trip to the club.

 

Few people would call you on this, we are too polite too, but don't fool yourself into thinking that new couple talking to you just wants to for your stimulating dialog.

 

Sounds like it might be helpful for you to be upfront at the beginning of your conversations. Make sure the other folks know what you are available for and make sure you find out what they are available for early in the conversation.

 

It doesn't have to be the old "Hey, you wanna fuck?" question but since yall seem to be well-spoken I'm sure you can figure out something a little more subtle. Then you know whether to spend more time with them.

[JnCC 24]

We go to a swingers club we want to find SWINGERS. If you are new and unsure thats fine, if you don't find anyone there attractive, thats fine, if you decide you are not in the mood tonight thats fine, but when you have NO intention of ever playing you are wasting our very limited time.

But how often does that happen, really? Going to any swing club isn't cheap, and just by the fact that a couple is there it shows that they've made a certain "leap of faith." It's hard to imagine that they would go through all that if the lifestyle didn't hold some appeal or fascination for them.

 

I'm sure that at any swing club, there are couples who are, and will always be, "posers." But I would bet that there are far more newbies and "tentative swingers" who could benefit from your experience at getting into the lifestyle.