Emotional Attachments and How to Handle Them?

[XMonkey 15]

Mrs X and I have 2 rules apart from the obvious ones (safe sex, women rule etc.), and these are no secrets and no emotional attachments.

 

11 months into swinging and we had (after plenty of mfm 3-somes and 4-somes and mores-somes at parties) our first mff 3-some. What a blast! Unfortunately we've run onto a problem. The no emotional attachment rule is in serious jeopardy between myself (Mr X) and the young lady (not reciporacated as far as I can tell, fortunately).

 

As soon as I realised that this was spiralling out of control I told Mrs X, and to my surprise she told me she already knew (geez, men must be transparent) and that she was waiting for me to take responsibility, and we are cool, now that she knows that she can trust me to do the right thing (don't think she really doubted it).

 

Now for the big question (its taken a while to get here) - do I tell the other lady? and if I don't, how do I justify not chatting and meeting like we used to?

[TNT 1,155]

As soon as I realised that this was spiralling out of control I told Mrs X, and to my surprise she told me she already knew (geez, men must be transparent) and that she was waiting for me to take responsibility, and we are cool, now that she knows that she can trust me to do the right thing (don't think she really doubted it).

 

Bravo to you both

 

Ted and I have always said that IF either of us ever felt an emotional attachment to someone else we would let the other know.

 

Now that you have recognized what's happening, you have to deal with it. I would suggest just letting the other woman know that you two have decided things are going a bit to far and you need to back off...no other explanation is needed. If she takes it bad, there really is nothing you can do about it...at this point your marriage is the most important thing.

 

 

Teresa

[MarriedNY'ers69 19]

I'm glad you were honestly with you wife. I am sure it was hard to tell her at first. But to know she was so understand haha and already knew makes it easy doesn't?

 

I would tell the women that things just need to end between you two. I guess you could tell her that you feel more for her then you should. I don't know. I haven't been in this situation before. One way or the other you have to make the choice for your marriage and not worry so much about the other person KWIM?

[BiWoman33 15]

As a single woman who has experienced this, it would be very kind to be honest, and end the relationship. It's no good for you or your marriage to try to continue a sexual relationship- these feelings tend to build on themselves, and you would find it harder and harder- but she did nothing wrong, and I think that swinging does require some accountability to the other parties, particularly if this was more than one night of playing.

On the flip side, just what are your feelings? It isn't a bad thing to like the people you are having sex with...a crush is not a big deal, and could be something that mellows into a great friendship for all three of you. My point is that you may not need to be uncomfortable with your feelings- you certainly don't need to act on them, you have full understanding from your wife, and in a way it makes for, I think , a very special experience. Personally, I'd rather have more feelings for people than less....it takes the eroticism much deeper and it is so gratifying. Best of luck, whatever you decide, and keep us posted.

[XMonkey 15]

Thanks for all the advice. Biwoman33, my feelings are way beyond a crush, this needs to end now!

 

And so to action: I have chatted with the lady in question, and we have agreed to give it some time to cool things down, and then maybe chat as friends. I think I've dragged her mood down with mine, but honesty is probably best.

 

Thanks again, X.

[BiWoman33 15]

Good wishes to all of you- this is a worst case scenario no one ever wants to go through, but better a pinch and a small sense of loss, than a wallop and huge, real, loss.

[Chris Blue 15]

Wow thats crazy your wife knew the whole time my g/f doesn't know I want to get into the lifestyle I wonder if she knows "looks around nervously" well best of luck to you.

[EvilMJ 65]

It can be difficult not to form emotional bonds with people that you are intimate with. I can think of one guy that we play with that I could easily fall in love with if I chose to let myself get caught up in things.

 

As it is we both love our spouces and just keep a good distance. I am not really interested in a polyamorous relationship, so the best idea for me is just occassional chats and play time once in a while.

 

I think it is great that you and your wife are able to talk about this and you can see things clearly and have handled it maturely. Good for you.

[SweetTXCouple 16]

This very same thing happened between myself and the other woman, and I can definately tell you that it put a serious strain on my marriage when my wife found out, as to be expected.

In hindsight, while it was strangly reassuring to know that I could be both a friend and a lover to another woman, the ramifications led to us taking a break from the lifestyle to let things cool off.

We were very good friends with this other couple, however they had a very open marriage that allowed such activity, where mine does not.

Our differences clashed in the long run, creating hostility between my wife and the other woman; this was hard to deal with as they had become the best of friends during our time we spent together outside the bedroom.

I dont think it was the intamacy that led to such feelings between the both of us as much as it was the physical attraction and the fact that we were simply very compatible and loved each others company.

I do regret letting my emotions take over with her, but at the same time miss the time we shared together. And I should note that this has been very hard to deal with, leaving me somewhat confused as I have never in my life had to deal with a situation like this. I love my wife dearly and would never want anything to come between us, but what do I do if the other woman wants a little quality time with me?

We dont really keep in touch with them anymore, although I have chatted with the other woman a few times simply because my wife was devastated when she lost her best friend, she is still forgiving and wishes to rekindle that friendship. We shared much more than just our spouses and would often stay at their place on weekends doing whatever we felt like doing, be it a barbeque, a day in the pool, hot-tub, or even a night out on the town at a local bar when they would come to visit us.

I have learned a valuable lesson when it comes to emotional attachment, I try to keep my feelings at bay from now on...

 

K&S

Abilene Texas

[meandher2go 17]

i just hope it never happens to ME. I dont ever see it happening but im sure you didnt either.

 

sounds like YOU are doing the right thing.

[angelrose85053 16]

This has happened to me twice. Both times involving the other man and myself. The way I have handled it is, by referring to our rules. In the beginning, I explained to them that if "love" ever came to the table that no matter what I would never leave my husband and if there was ever an attempt on their part to try to see me away from my husband, I would call it off.

 

The bottom line is, that I can't tell someone to not have feelings or care, even love, those involved in such intimate acts. But, trying to act on those feelings IS crossing the line of approprietness.

 

Aimee

[BiWoman33 15]

Aimee- has this been in situations with a couple or a single man? I just wonder how you feel if you become aware of his feelings, yet continue to see him because he doesn't cross the line? I imagine one would still feel inappropriate to be having sex with someone whose feelings you don't/can't/won't reciprocate. In essence, wouldn't it be hard knowing that the relationship is not good for that person who may be pining for you?

[Mr. Better Half 17]

XMonkey you are my hero! You did the right thing and if I am ever in the same situation I hope I have your courage.

 

And yes, I think we men probably are that transparent. My wife knows as soon as I do if something is on my mind. Sure makes it easy to not hide things!

[Mrs Spoomonkey 118]

First let me commend you for telling your wife and her for knowing and giving you time to deal with it. I'll bet she knew you would tell her or she wouldn't have been able to keep quiet until you did. Sounds like you two have a great relationship and good communication.

 

Now...

 

I would suggest just letting the other woman know that you two have decided things are going a bit to far and you need to back off...no other explanation is needed. If she takes it bad, there really is nothing you can do about it...at this point your marriage is the most important thing.

Teresa

 

I agree with TNT here. Just tell this woman you two (include your wife) have decided it is going too far and need to back off. You really owe no one in the lifestyle (other than each other) your reasons for the decisions you make. Plus, if might freak her out a little if she doesn't have feelings or encourage her to pursue you if she does. Too much drama either way. Keep it simple, present it as a united decision by both of you and then move on.

 

Good luck

 

Mrs Spoomonkey

[angelrose85053 16]

Aimee- has this been in situations with a couple or a single man? I just wonder how you feel if you become aware of his feelings, yet continue to see him because he doesn't cross the line? I imagine one would still feel inappropriate to be having sex with someone whose feelings you don't/can't/won't reciprocate. In essence, wouldn't it be hard knowing that the relationship is not good for that person who may be pining for you?

 

It was with two single men. Separate situations, of course. It didn't bother me to know that they had feelings for me.We had become great friends (we=husband and I and the single male) so the feelings were recpriocated to an extent of "caring for" him, on my end. But, most certainly not "In-love" feelings. Both situations the single men were not looking for a serious relationship, yet found themselves expressing emotions they didn't think they could/would have in this situation. In the end they both admitted that they respected my marriage, they respected my husband and respected the bond that we have and are just happy to be a part of it in some way. Both, still date on the side and are certainly not exclusive to us. I suppose this situation could pose potential problems to a single that will not let go of the fact that the one they adore will not leave and that is where the cord would be cut, if that ever happened.

 

Did that answer your question or was I totally off?

[Spoomonkey 421]

As soon as I realised that this was spiralling out of control I told Mrs X, and to my surprise she told me she already knew (geez, men must be transparent) and that she was waiting for me to take responsibility, and we are cool, now that she knows that she can trust me to do the right thing (don't think she really doubted it).

 

I have nothing else to add to the advice you've received - but I think this is an example of what is RIGHT with the lifestyle. You were open and honest with an issue that would have been TOUGH to even bring up...

 

Balls...

 

And spine...

 

You got 'em both.

 

My utmost admiration to you, X.

 

And kudos to your wife as well. What a great woman she must be.

 

Spoomonkey

[angelrose85053 16]

I have nothing else to add to the advice you've received - but I think this is an example of what is RIGHT with the lifestyle. You were open and honest with an issue that would have been TOUGH to even bring up...

 

Balls...

 

And spine...

 

You got 'em both.

 

My utmost admiration to you, X.

 

And kudos to your wife as well. What a great woman she must be.

 

Spoomonkey

halaleuyah..AMEN. I totally agree. Have I mentioned how much I LOVE this group of people !?

[lovedoctor 15]

Sometimes I think our philosophy is way different that the majority on this board. But I don't really know. Since I live in MY head and not yours, it's really impossible to know the difference between rhetoric and real life.

 

We really have come to really care about the couple we play with. We know each other's families, we hang out together all the time, travel together, talk about our jobs, our concerns and our interests (outside of sex.) While I admit that it has been a very steep learning curve and certainly not without growing pains , I would not trade that for "just sex" ~ at least with this couple. I would say that we love them, not in the same way we love each other - because love is just a term for some kind of emotional connection.

 

Don't get me wrong, when we are playing, that is exactly what we are doing. But we are also able to share this whole other part of our lives with them which just makes the experience all the richer. That doesn't make me want to run off with her or her husband, but it makes for a level of intimacy that we all seem to enjoy. If we didn't then it wouldn't work. And it has not diminished or replaced anything between my husband and me; it has enhanced it. That's a really nice place for us to be.

 

I'm not saying that a lot of swingers don't have rich and rewarding relationships with their play partners, but it does seem that there is this lack of willingness to establish any kind of emotional bond; the emphasis is to keep it in the "physical only" realm. It's not bad to do that (no judgements from me!) but either we have needed to work it this way to make this the kind of experience we want, or we just stepped over some kind of line before I knew it.

 

While we will probably play with other couples on occasion, I don't expect we will become as close as we have become with our primary couple. Why? Because I think it will be too emotionally exausting and we just have "enough" with our lives right now. We are very happy with the way things are working out, especially now that we have worked through a lot of those initial issues that everyone has starting into a relationship.

 

So, I guess we are just weird!

[BiWoman33 15]

Aimee- you were totally on when you answered my question. It's great that you have such good communication with your friends and can talk about the feelings that do come up. As I said before, I'd rather have feelings than not, and I would be very wary of people who are totally detached from their feelings. It's maturity that makes the difference.

[TPD4467 15]

Thank you all for your insights. New to Swingers Board (but not to lifestyle). Husband and I have always been just dabblers. Mostly other couples. One single girlfriend, who we see ocassionally. Last summer, however, we got involved with a single friend of his. We have a blast together, and socialize a lot outside of "playing". Have all had many of our individual fantasys fulfilled (that I would NEVER have been able to do with someone I wasn't so comfortable with). Always thought he was falling for me, but tended to ignore it. He has been honest that he is really into me (and prevents himself from falling in love with me), but respects me, my husband and our marriage too much to make any other attempts. Thought everything was OK. And then, just recently found MYSELF feeling confused and jealous. Which made me feel guilty and like this should stop. Never thought it was OK to become emotionally attached to someone we played with. I love and adore my husband (who I am with 17 years), have no intentions of EVER leaving or cheating on him. He is the best thing that ever happened to me, but this other man turns me on very much sexually - I think the strong sexual feelings are sometimes confused for something else?

I'm having a hard time with guilty feelings ABOUT being emotionally/sexually attached (I also tend to be somewhat anxious, in general). I have discussed these feelings with BOTH of them, and the consensus from them is that there is nothing wrong here (outside of what's in my own head - since I have no intentions of acting on anything - they both know I tend to worry too much at times). None of us want it to end, but I'm afraid that someday, it might spin out of control. Any additional advice would be greatly appreciated. Is it normal to attach to someone you are friends with and care about once you start sleeping with them (I think I already know the answer to this!)? Never was one for the casual sex with people you don't know. But, it seems easier?

(Aimee - I was particularly drawn to your situations - since they seemed similar to mine). Thanks.

[cumhungrycouple 15]

Mrs X and I have 2 rules apart from the obvious ones (safe sex, women rule etc.), and these are no secrets and no emotional attachments.

 

11 months into swinging and we had (after plenty of mfm 3-somes and 4-somes and mores-somes at parties) our first mff 3-some. What a blast! Unfortunately we've run onto a problem. The no emotional attachment rule is in serious jeopardy between myself (Mr X) and the young lady (not reciporacated as far as I can tell, fortunately).

 

As soon as I realised that this was spiralling out of control I told Mrs X, and to my surprise she told me she already knew (geez, men must be transparent) and that she was waiting for me to take responsibility, and we are cool, now that she knows that she can trust me to do the right thing (don't think she really doubted it).

 

Now for the big question (its taken a while to get here) - do I tell the other lady? and if I don't, how do I justify not chatting and meeting like we used to?

 

well done marriage first!

 

But main reason why wife and I have a rule "once only" for 3somes (maybe twice if exceptional) and highly committed married couple only. Always together as well. Otherwise is risk third party develops feelings - and wife had enough of male (non-swinging) friends going all gooey eyed over her!

[Additude 457]

So you have feelings for this other female, however you know this other female doesn't have the same feelings for you....did I get that right?

 

You told your wife of your feelings and she said she already knew....or suspected anyways and your wife said she was waiting for you to do the responsible thing...

 

So your deciding to move on and tell the new female you and your wife don't want to meet anymore.

 

Maybe I'm different then.

 

I could rationalize the conditions and realize a relationship with the new female just couldn't exist. Then mentally not allow it to happen or progress any further than a friendship. Especially if I had an extremely good relationship with my wife as it appears you have.

 

I've been able to do this before. I just didn't allow it to progress beyond a certain point.

 

Am I weird?

[XMonkey 15]

If my heart went with my head this wouldn't have been a problem. It doesn't!

[lovedoctor 15]

Thank you all for your insights. New to Swingers Board (but not to lifestyle). Husband and I have always been just dabblers. Mostly other couples. One single girlfriend, who we see ocassionally. Last summer, however, we got involved with a single friend of his. We have a blast together, and socialize a lot outside of "playing". Have all had many of our individual fantasys fulfilled (that I would NEVER have been able to do with someone I wasn't so comfortable with). Always thought he was falling for me, but tended to ignore it. He has been honest that he is really into me (and prevents himself from falling in love with me), but respects me, my husband and our marriage too much to make any other attempts. Thought everything was OK. And then, just recently found MYSELF feeling confused and jealous. Which made me feel guilty and like this should stop. Never thought it was OK to become emotionally attached to someone we played with. I love and adore my husband (who I am with 17 years), have no intentions of EVER leaving or cheating on him. He is the best thing that ever happened to me, but this other man turns me on very much sexually - I think the strong sexual feelings are sometimes confused for something else?

I'm having a hard time with guilty feelings ABOUT being emotionally/sexually attached (I also tend to be somewhat anxious, in general). I have discussed these feelings with BOTH of them, and the consensus from them is that there is nothing wrong here (outside of what's in my own head - since I have no intentions of acting on anything - they both know I tend to worry too much at times). None of us want it to end, but I'm afraid that someday, it might spin out of control. Any additional advice would be greatly appreciated. Is it normal to attach to someone you are friends with and care about once you start sleeping with them (I think I already know the answer to this!)? Never was one for the casual sex with people you don't know. But, it seems easier?

(Aimee - I was particularly drawn to your situations - since they seemed similar to mine). Thanks.

 

I think you are just sorting through what is a natural progression of feelings. If you come to the conclusion that being sexually and emotionally "attached" does not equal the same kind of committed love you have for your spouse, then you will be able to work through this.

 

I think it's if you feel like you are "in love" with this other guy that there would be problems. Even though this is recreational sex, it's with someone that you like and care about, but it's not the same as how you feel about your spouse. It's not the kind of love you have with marriage, and it's not an affair either. Our society doesn't have a definition for it, which may be at least in part, where your confusion as to "where to categorize" this relationship comes from. I don't think it's wrong to care about this guy, it's only natural since he's your friend ~and your husband's friend too. Just remember that it's friendship, and let go of the guilt over that.

 

I hope this helps...

[JTcamp05 9]

Think its wonderful X that you were so open with your wife, thats what it's all about!

 

I hate to disagree with the majority on here, but I happen to think you should have some emotional attachment with people you are sleeping with, call me old fashioned....lol

 

I don't think it has to affect your marriage or homelife, but I would rather be with people who I/we have feelings for!

[TPD4467 15]

Thank you, lovedoctor. Yes, it did help. Will work through it. Sometimes, I just think we are playing a risky game when it comes to emotions and sex outside of one's marriage.

[lovedoctor 15]

Thank you, lovedoctor. Yes, it did help. Will work through it. Sometimes, I just think we are playing a risky game when it comes to emotions and sex outside of one's marriage.

 

You are welcome - please let us know how it's going.

 

I think the hardest part of any kind of emotional attachment with swing partners will be dealing with the friendship end of things when, inevitably, one of the couples wants to see another couple. We spend so much time with our playcouple exclusively that I just don't know how to avoid jealousy issues, and I have done a lot of thinking about this. Both of us females in our little square seem to be pretty confident, and have talked about this happening but I just don't know how it will be to deal with the reality of it. If the approach is all out in the open, it might be fairly easy, but if one of the couples think they will "hurt" the other, and they were to hide it like they were doing something wrong, then it might get uncomfortable. We thought about trying to swing with another couple, but it just didn't seem right to do it if we weren't all that into it...do you get what I mean? So emotional ties imply a sense of vulnerability and williness to put yourself out there and possibly get hurt. Just like any relationship. At times, I can see why it would be easier to have a no strings attached approach. It's just not me, that's all.

 

So, keeping that communication going is really important if everyone wants to keep the foursome relationship on a successful track.

 

It always comes back to communication. First, be honest with yourself, second, be honest with your spouse and third, be honest with your playcouple.

[cj22s 15]

thank you lovedocter.

i was begining to think it was just us.

the Mr. and i have alften talked about finding "the couple" to be our best friends to share our lives with; you know B.B.Q.s, school plays, road trips things best friends do and sex in just another part of our lives to share. Does that make us the wierd ones?

[JTcamp05 9]

Sounds perfect to me!!!

[lovedoctor 15]

...It's wonderful, but not perfect. Like any relationship, it takes work. But it's richly rewarding and it can be done. Some day we would LOVE to have a house together in the islands where we can just get away from it all and be together for the whole winter! That's down the road a bit, but that's the plan!

[Hottunes 15]

Great advice - but for me i didn't end the relationship and now I am happier than ever. i have my cake and eat it to

[aaaflirt 16]

well my 2 cents worth are, well done you have discussed it with your partner now its time to discuss it with both of them (as in all three of you together) and then discuss it privately with them both again. May be your partner can discuss the situation with the other woman privatly also. Get back together and set some ground rules together. That way every body is on the same page nobody has to feel like the executioner, and nobdy feels ganged up on.

Remember that every body is responsible for their own feellings and that every body must deal with the consequences of their own desicions.

Once again congrats on the way you have handled this so far.

Good luck with which ever way you all go from here.