Experiences with telling vanilla friends about swinging lifestyle involvement

[gaznrachy 15]

Amongst our 'vanilla' friends we have a married couple who are closer than any others. They have, we suspect; begun wondering whats going on with us. Loosing weight, happier, talking about sex more, going out very late etc etc.

 

We would like to tell them. Not with the intention of converting them (I'd love to! -G) we would never try to push anyone into anything. It's just so far we feel we would like to be honest with them. To share some of our experiences or least let them know we've not gone loopy!

 

We'd love to hear your experiences, good or bad of this. We think they are pretty open minded and are similair to us in their outlook of live and let live.

 

Do you think this could be a disaster? Or strengthen an already strong friendship?

 

We know untimately it is our decision and you cannot get all the details etc from a short post but would appreciate your views and experiences.

 

Thanks x

[blinkey 15]

We've skirted with some of those same issues, too. We have a situation in that a good friend of ours was diagnosed with cancer right around the time we started. It was a wake-up call to our own mortality, and we have really started to live life the way we wanted, rather than the way society tells us we should want to live. Going out, getting fit, it is all consistent with a new appreciation for life. (See where I'm going with this?)

 

Surely you can find a reason to suddenly love life instead of letting it slip by!

 

Blinkey

[Dolphin Dreamer 15]

Hey gaznrachy, I think that you should tell your friends about your experiences> if your friends are as close as you say they are then wouldn't you want them to be as happy as you guys are?? if your a bit nervous just edge into it drop off hints hear and there see what sort of reaction you get. Don't like there reaction leave it alone they don't need to no. Bring it up in a conversation sometime e.g. one of my mates at work has been telling me about this swingers club again just test the waters see what reaction you get if you think you have a good reaction go for it . At the end of the day if they are friends that you say they are they will love you swingers or not

 

GOODLUCK Guys hope it works for the better

[chattyroni 15]

I agree that dropping hints is the way to start - but even that can backfire on you so you need to decide before you do if you can handle it if they cannot take it, and if you are willing to risk the friendship. I have heard of this working and I believe it can, but the friends we chose to drop hints too couldn't take it.

 

We had two sets of very close friends that we thought could handle it and might also benefit. Our intention was not to pressure them or hook up with them, but to be able to actually talk about the fun we have. It was to the point where they thought we just stayed at home and did nothing all of the time because we couldn't tell them the truth, and it made our times together less fun because we were keeping a huge secret. One couple I had been friends with since highschool and the other couple were friends that we had spent every special occassion with and vacationed together for over 10 years.

 

We never got the chance to elaborate on any of our hints with either couple. The female of the highschool couple completely freaked out, told other friends what she "thought" we were into, told us we were no longer welcome to play dice with the group we'd been playing with for about 6 years, and I have not spoken to her since. This was a few years ago.

 

The other couple changed the subject every time we dropped a hint - so we took the clue and haven't tried to even hint again. We still see them occasionally, but not as often and we don't have much to talk about when we do. They do know that we have a group of friends that we go to a lot of parties with - because we no longer party with them on New Years, etc. If they ever ask, we will tell them - but we don't bring it up anymore because we don't want to lose them like we did the other friends.

 

It's a tough call - I hope it works out for you better than it did for us! - Roni

[graygo98 148]

When making choices two questions I always ask myself are, "What do I expect to gain by doing this?" "What am I risking?"

 

In your case, the answers seem to be 1) nothing, and, 2) a close friendship and maybe more if they are disgusted and share that with others. So I would really ask myself why I would want to do this.

 

I know that you are really excited by your new life and want to share your excitement with your friends. That's natural. But don't assume that the reaction will be positive. We have only told one person, someone we thought would be very accepting.... lets just say that we have never raised the subject again.

[angelrose85053 16]

I agree with you graygo..and will add one thing to your advice..I always consider the consequences. If I make decision "A", am I will to accept the worst case scenario,in result?

 

All of my friends know about my husband and I. Fortunately for us we have always gravitated towards friends that indulged in this sort of sexual appetite. To be honest, I am not sure how we knew this or when/how we told our friends of our lifestyle. I think I have always felt that it was a very natural part of my life so building up a huge CONFESSION of sorts would have been over dramatizing it. Maybe that's why I don't remember when I told any of them.

 

Not sure that any of this really helps you. But I thought I would drop in my two cents. I really wish you luck. I cannot tell you how wonderful it is to be able to talk to my friends about my lifestyle. I sure hope your's will remain open minded for you.

 

Aimee

[WesternSwing 504]

If you feel that your friends are "Lifestyle friendly" then start dropping some hints. If not, leave it as is. We have vanilla friends that know and they think we are the coolest people and have the happiest relationship in the world. Then, there are others that if they knew they would never talk to us again, and we know that just from how they are with everything else. So you need to play this by ear and carefully think it through before you open up in that respect.

 

Mr. WS

[lovedoctor 15]

I wouldn't tell them unless they started asking questions. Like it or not, it changes friendships.

[lovn2share 15]

All of my friends know but only my mom knows in my family..

but i dont remember telling them out right and making a big deal over it..but we had put feelers out for a while and knew they were comfortable.. think it went something like " wow we watched a show on swingers the other night .. kinda interesting.. whats your thoughts?" anyway it worked for us Good luck

[VegasLee 1,486]

As many of you know Laura and I are very "OUT" in our Lifestyle.

 

Most everyone that knows us knows we have a different lifestyle. Some of them are in it and some are in the regular world.

 

Our true friends don't mind even if they are not in the Lifestyle. I can only remember one couple shying away from us after they found out and they went away. All that did was show me that they where not our true friends.

 

To me there is no reason to hide who you are. We could not be who we are if we had to hide our Lifestyle. Honesty with all is on the top of our list, not with just those that we feel would not judge us.

[Dave_kat 227]

We live on a military base, and for those of you with the experience, you know it's cose quarters and such. With the constant deployments, Kat came out to our next door neighbor a while ago, as she had started asking questions about a girl who had come to stay with her.

 

They are still good friends, and although she sometimes cringes when kat offers to help her straighten out clothing, there is no otherside view of things.

 

The thing is, they also have never told anyone.

 

Before you feel out your friends, ask yourself if they are the type who might mention it to someone else in your group of friends. They might be closer to ya'll now, but a small circle of friends, things might get mentioned. You might end up outing yourself to your whole group of friends.

 

Caution is my reccomendation, especially in areas where this might be very seriously frowned upon.

[Mr. Better Half 17]

I agree with LoveDoctor. It would change things. If you like this friendship the way it is, leave it that way.

 

My wife and I are so new to this that I think I can look back well less than a year and see how we would have reacted if one of our friends had "come out" to us. This whole decision to swing is not made instantaneously, and the foundation that allows it to be made is laid over time. Think of the years of societal programming that makes us think that sex is dirty or harmful and that sharing your spouse with someone is the greatest sin ever. Bit by bit over time we begin to ask why. If you started with only the golden rule (of any religion) and built a system of morals to live by from it, you would end up with a system that looks remarkedly like that of the major religions. We can extrapolate from the golden rule to get rules not to steal, injure, kill, lie, and pretty much everything else that modern religions hand us. What we would not come up with, however, is a rule against swinging. We would certainly come up with a rule against cheating, but swinging requires concensus from all and results in only increased pleasure and happiness. And yet society has a strict taboo against sharing sex with other couples. It is only, I think, when people start to internalize their own system of morals that they begin to see that society has almost everything right, but not the prohibition against swinging. All of us that swing have passed that point and operate on an internal system of values that would survive even if we found out tomorrow that all religions are false. This gives us a great advantage over people that have external systems of value that have not yet been internalized.

 

Regardless of how they act, it is difficult to be sure that your friends have reached the point where they ask why when presented with a "moral" that doesn't violate the golden rule (like swinging). Think back to the time before swinging ever entered your mind. How would you react if your friends said that they were swingers? Would it change things? Probably.

 

I hope you don't think I am just arrogant, but I think that we swingers (as a group) are "further down the road" in terms of filtering out the societal norms that cannot be derived from the golden rule. We have some great friends, too, but since we can't know how far they are down the road, we keep our lifestyle to ourselves. But that is just us, and that is just now. Maybe with more experience we will feel more comfortable and won't be such cowards. However, I can certainly understand the desire to tell them in an effort to increase their own happiness. Be careful that it doesn't backfire.

[Alura 2,775]

Don't do it like we once did.

 

A friend once confided that his wife was unreasonably jealous. A Sunday-long conversation followed in which I used swinging as an example of how free couples could be without jealousy problems. I subsequently told him that we play, but there was no invitation. He and I agreed not to tell his wife about our conversation.

 

Two days later his wife 'phoned me in a rage! How dare I propose "wife-swapping" to them? They were good, Christian people! She would never have sex with anyone but her husband. (By the way, we had known her through two previous husbands and countless boyfriends.) She slammed down the phone and we haven't seen either of them since. Let's see... That was about ten years ago.

 

Here's how we'd try to bring up the subject without making anybody mad. We'd ask questions over a period of days, weeks or months, that couldn't be answered with "Yes" or "No," such as:

 

"How do y'all feel about Mexican Food?"

"How do y'all feel about Mayor LaFortune?"

"How do y'all feel about the Sooners chances this fall?"

"How do y'all feel about Dirty Dancing?"

"How do y'all feel about Swinging?"

 

If they don't take well to the subject, change it. "Just a thought about an article I once read. Not important... How do y'all feel about Mexican Food?"

 

If, however, they take well to the subject, you may have a whole new emphasis on a good friendship. Good Luck!

 

Mr. Alura

[intuition897 2,179]

Had a less explosive experience that was similar to Alura's.

 

Mr. intuition was talking guy-talk with my sister's husband (I know, you can see where this is going, eh?) and he talked about how he and I sometimes went up to the clubs in Toronto to see our friends. Which clubs? Well, of course one tid-bit leads to another and before long Mr. intuition tells BIL that they're "sex clubs". You mean like strip joints? No, like swinger's clubs. He says he wishes there was some way he could get my sister to go to one of those. Mr. intuition says, for God's sake, don't bring it up to her. Tell her to come and talk to me (Mrs. intuition). Well, for a while we hear nothing about it. Then during conversation between all four of us some time later, someone mentions something about me just having fun (with something, don't remember what it was now...not important). Dear sister dryly remarks, "I don't think [Mrs. intuition]'s idea of 'fun' is the same as MY idea of fun.", followed by an awkward moment of silence. Mr. intuition shoots BIL a scowl, and BIL looks sheepish. It was obvious to all of us what she was talking about.

 

So many times I just think, "Oh to hell with it! Just grow up people! If you don't like it, don't look." :rollseyes:

[good times 991]

We have several friends that know and we also have several former friends that now know and will no longer associate with us. I just wanted to add to what the others have said that in all cases of friends that know about our swinging just their knowing it has changed the friendship between us, and so far, none of the changes were in a good way. With the ones that are still on speaking terms with us they are just more distant than before, we don't get invited to their vanilla functions as much as we used to. So if they are good friends and you like the friendship the way it is, I wouldn't tell them.

[EvilMJ 65]

Dito

 

We had best friends. In fact we started out swinging with them, but the moment we started out into the 'lifestyle' it all changed. Out of respect and friendship I told her what we were doing, but she said they could never do that, and then they slowly drifted away from us. She felt that we spent more time with our new 'swinger friends' than we did with them. This was just an excuse in my opionion (keep in mind at the time they lived an hour away and gas was going up in price, so visits became less frequent), a nice way to break off our close friendship.

 

For us we just prefer to keep our vanilla life in the dark and our swinger friends separate.

 

Oh I just thought of another situation, swinger friends of ours were open and told their friends that they were swingers (and that we were too). the wife of the couple got all excited by the prospect and wanted to become a swinger too. The hubby was 100% against the idea. Now their marriage is stressed because she can't seem to let go of it. Now that is no one's fault but their own, but it just shows that sometimes a little too much information can be harmful.

[gaznrachy 15]

Just wanted to say thanks to everyone.

 

Various experiences and outlooks. Think for now we'll keep it quiet and just see how the land lies in time.

 

Once again thank you

[good times 991]

I just wanted to add one more thought to this. Our vanilla friends that know often tend not to be near as discrete about it as our swinger friends are. Once one vanilla friend knows it is often not long before everyone they know finds it out from them.

[Alura 2,775]

Good Times wrote:

 

Once one vanilla friend knows it is often not long before everyone they know finds it out from them.

 

That happened in our case. Mrs. Righteous had lunch with Mrs. Mutual Friend and told her how immoral we were. Mrs. Mutual Friend was hurt because we'd never suggested Swinging to her and her husband.

 

Go figure...

 

Mr. Alura

[Swing*8701 887]

Here's the simple fact, if most people knew what went on in their friends bedrooms, they'd probably run and hide. Whether it's a matter of 'too much information' or the fact that sex is an extremely powerful and potent social element, most are too timid to explore or discuss, which is fine. Ask this of yourselves, would you tell your neighbors how you fuck each other ? If not, telling them that you fuck other people, probably is equally unwise.

[Better Half 15]

"Ask this of yourselves, would you tell your neighbors how you fuck each other ? If not, telling them that you fuck other people, probably is equally unwise."

 

I agree with Edison Carter. If you don't give your friends a play-by-play of what occurs in your bedroom (I mean graphic detail) don't even think about confiding something like this to them. They would probably kick you out of the kids car pool. In fact, in my neighborhood, the fact that one of the neighbors had a weekly poker game with fairly high stakes was cause for much debate. So I can't imagine what something like swinging would cause. Maybe a riot??????

[DBL D 120]

Well, back in our swinging days...there was a couple or two I would've like to have told. But I got to thinking...was it because I knew it would shock them? What if they weren't shocked and laughed. I guess that would be okay, but.

 

Anyway I sorta told myself that I felt that way because of the excitement I had from the lifestyle and wanted to share it with someone. but then what happens when things go south and you decide to leave the lifestyle and they ask what is up? Suddenly it doesn't seem so important to tell. If they are curious give them credit to find their own way and maybe if you meet them at a club you can have a good laugh about it. Otherwise...just fantasize.

 

M.D.

[keysync 15]

BE CAREFULL!!!!

The wife and I were never thought of as swinger until we actually went to a swingers club. We have been doing it for about 15 years and yeah every person we know knew about the things we "used to do" Well not long ago we started to go to a swingers club on the weekends once or so a month. Well now it seems there's a different view of who we are.

Some friends are HEY GUYS We heard about that club can we go. And there are some friends that are warming up to the idea inviting us for dinners on sunday afternoon, and then there are some that god save them if they live in a glass house cause the stones are in the air. Trying to belittle me etc. Saying things like that's a dangerous game you're playing stuff like that. Well in that case the guy that told me about it being "dangerous" has recently divorced from a woman that helped herself to every guy in the neighborhood without him knowing it. I stood up and told him. "look I appreciate the advise of it being dangerous, however our situation is a far cry from what I'm sure you think it is.. So don't talk about things you know nothing about.

I've known this guy since I was 5 years old. He knows I'm right and agreed and we dropped it and went on with business.

Moral of the story.

If you live in a small town and one person other than your wife knows.

You better get used to the idea of your chiropractor, barber, grocer, mail man, etc knowing you and your wife get "funky" on the weekend.

 

Goog luck

[getnit2gethr 15]

I understand completely what you're talking about. We have a few vanilla friends who are probably sure we've gone loopy. Lately, we have to go out of our way to do things with them without slipping up and saying something loopy to them. We would never tell them but we fear they may be getting the idea. Maybe VegasLee is right and they aren't really true friends if we can't tell them everything, but to be fair we became friends years ago as vanillas and we changed (a little). Maybe they won't care what we do but why be in a hurry to bring it on them?

 

On the other side of the coin we have another group of vanilla friends who act a little as if they are in the lifestyle but we are not certain. To fuel our suspicion, we later found the parents of one of these friends on a swingers website (btw, that info is safe with us). But after thinking about it, what would be the point of knowing? To play with them? It seems highly unlikely that they're even compatable that way. Besides, it's probably only a matter of time before things break open with them anyway since we are less worried about it.

 

Hope this helps. We'll be reading this thread with interest.

[all4fun 18]

In theory, I like the idea of

"Oh to hell with it! Just grow up people! If you don't like it, don't look.

.

 

I only have a couple of good friends in the "vanilla world". Both of them, I know, would not be responsive to the idea. They are very jealous people when it comes to their spouses and vica versa. I truely don't think they would understand how much better my relationship has become with my husband. The part of the relationship that is better is that we communicate so much more and are more open with our feelings.

 

They would think that we are loco. We keep the lifestyle to ourselve and it actually is great having a secret that only the two of us share in our real world. Yeah, we are happier, healthier and more full of life now. We have made a couple of new friends in the lifestyle and it is great to share this with them.

 

I value my friendship with my "vanilla friends" too much to even think of screwing it up, so I keep this to myself for now. If the subject was ever brought up by them, I would be willing to give away my secret.

[havefuninsun 122]

My ya-ya's (the sisterhood, if you will) would have an intervention for me. No doubt about it. Or try to have me committed. Opinionated, those girls ...

[intuition897 2,179]

My ya-ya's (the sisterhood, if you will) would have an intervention for me. No doubt about it. Or try to have me committed. Opinionated, those girls ...

 

Which would make it all the more fun to tell them.

[havefuninsun 122]

Which would make it all the more fun to tell them.

 

Bad bad bad -- hahahahahaha!!

 

[plyfltxcpl 15]

I agree with angelrose, if they ask why not tell them and invite them to go out with you.

[MoonLightKiss 28]

To tell or not to tell. For my husband and I we are both of the same mind and have two philosophies on friendship. 1. A friend is a friend, no matter what. Short of placing them in situations in which someone is uncomfortable, of course if you are a friend you wont do it, because you love them. 2. Everyone in your life at some point will stab you and hurt you. An enemy stabs you in the back and walks away. A friend stabs you in the chest, lets you see it coming, feels bad and apologizes for it. That being said, we told our four closest friends, who are couples. Both of them gave us the same answer. Sounds like ya'll are having fun and thats great. I don't think I could do it with my wife/husband though. But hey, whatever floats your boat and makes ya feel good is fine with us. No more was ever said. They know, and they love us anyway, even though the lifestyle isnot for them. Now, would we just come "OUT" I don't think we will ever be that open about it. We know these people will never breathe a word about it. But we live in a small town, where if it came out, my husband might lose his job for some BS reason, I would be treated like the town hooker, our children would be treated like they had leprousy, and we would have to move. So we choose not to come "OUT" It really is a decision that you have to make for yourselves. How well do you trust them? Do you KNOW they are still going to be friends with you after telling? Bottom line, If they are truly friends, and they truly love you for you and not what you do, then they will be okay with it. If they wont be, can you really call them friends? wouldnt that make them more like close aquaintences?