Drugs and Swinging

[MoonLightKiss 28]

Hi all! Hubby and I ran into a problem our first time out of the gate, and I am feeling a little gun shy now, and wondered if this was normal.

 

Hubby found a couple for us for some soft swinging. We want to take things one step at a time and thought this might be a good way to start.

 

We agreed to meet at their house about an hour away from ours, since we have children and a mother-in-law who lives next door. (Probably not a good idea for her to walk in the house while we are "entertaining".)

 

When we get there we are all sitting around having a couple of drinks and getting to know one another. The entire time, my gut, woman's intuition, or something, keeps telling me that there is something wrong.

 

We move to the living room where we will be more comfortable and the husband of the other couple asks me to get something out of the drawer in the end table. When I open it up, I see cocaine in there. I know this is what it was. I am a recovering coke addict, been clean eleven years now. And as with all addicts the temptation is still there.

 

I squeezed my husband's left hand twice (which was our silent sign to leave immediately if there was a reason we didn't want to discuss in front of the other couple). We started to make our excuses to leave and they became very hateful.

 

I decided to tell them what I had found and that I was not comfortable being around it and why. They tried to explain it was for recreation, blah blah blah. I told them it didn't matter, I could not and would not be around it. A lot of it is fear I will give into the temptation. They were very mad at us, but we left anyway. In all honesty, I really didn't care how they felt. I can't go back to using, I don't know if I am strong enough to walk away a second time.

 

My question is, did we do the right thing? And does this happen to others or is it just my bad luck? Are drugs a part of this lifestyle normally, and if so, what's the best way to deal with them?

 

I guess I am a little scared now that this may happen again and not sure what to think. Any advice is appreciated and I am sorry if this post is a little long.

[jennandjamesinm 87]

Yes - you absolutely did the right thing!!! We would have ran like hell also. In our experience, we haven't ran across any "heavy" drug users, a few pot smokers and drinkers, but never anything worse than that. You did the right thing and if they were ugly towards you, then they really weren't worth getting to know. Congrats on being clean for 11 years, that is awesome!!!

 

Jenn

[BradAndJanet 70]

Congratulations on finding the strength to leave. *hugs*

 

I don't believe that drug use is any more prevalent in the swinging community than in society at large, no.

 

You did the right thing, absolutely.

 

-B

[Paphian 16]

The entire time, my gut, womens intuition, something keeps telling me that there is something wrong. We move to the living room where we will be more comfortable and the husband of the other couple asks me to get something out of the drawer in the end table. When I open it up, I see cocaine in there. I know this is what it was.

 

Yikes.

 

I am a recovering coke addict, been clean eleven years now. And as with all addicts the temptation is still there. I squeezed my husbands left hand twice, (which was our silent sign to leave immediately if there was a reason we didnt want to discuss in front of the other couple) We started to make our excuses to leave and they became very hateful.

 

Great! Twice. You had the strength to bail out of a situation that was not for you, and a pre-arranged signal so hubby knew what to do. I'm impressed, as I know from friends that are also recovering just how difficult that is.

 

I decided to tell them what I had found and that I was not comfortable being around it and why. They tried to explain it was for recreation, blah blah blah. I told them it didnt matter, I could not and would not be around it. Alot of it is fear I will give into the temptation. They were very mad at us, but we left anyway. In all honesty, I really didnt care how they felt.

 

Assholes. Doesn't matter what their reasons were. What mattered is that your reasons were the right ones for you. Reading this, I'd bet you could walk away from a similar situation in the future, although I sure hope you don't have to.

 

I cant go back to using, I dont know if I am strong enough to walk away a second time.

 

Good for you! It takes a strong woman (who sounds like she's blessed with a supportive husband) to stick to her guns. As mentioned above, I'm betting you could walk away again.

 

My question is, did we do the right thing?

 

Of course! In swinging, "no means no" and the reason doesn't have to be something directly related to sex or attraction. Not wanting to be around drug users is just as valid a reason.

 

And does this happen to others or is it just my bad luck?

 

I expect it happens as often as it happens in any other aspect of life outside of swinging.

 

Are drugs a part of this lifestyle normally, and if so, whats the best way to deal with them?

 

I don't happen to believe that drug use is any more common in the lifestyle than it is in other aspects of life--that's what's true from my experience. The best way to deal with them is the way that's right (and safe) for you. I won't knowingly be involved with drug use either, so I would make the same choice you did. Others might not.

 

One advantage of clubs (at least any that I've attended) is that absolutely no drugs are tolerated. So while there's no assurance that people don't arrive that are already using, at least you're more assured that drugs won't be present.

 

I guess I am a little scared now that this may happen again and not sure what to think, any advice is appreciated and I am sorry if this post is a little long.

Mrs. Kiss

 

I wish I could tell ya, "It won't happen again." But we both know that no one can assure you of that. What you can do is make "No drug users!" a part of any profile you may have... and remember to ask about that when talking with new people. If you get any answer you're not comfortable with, then you can politely decline to meet, which should be much easier than the situation you found yourself in. I'd think that pre-screening like that should help cut the chance of it happening again to next to zero.

[Alura 2,775]

I tried cocaine once, about thirty years ago. I was unimpressed with the high but the worst head-cold I ever had started the next day. I've had no trouble saying "No!" ever since. I suspect you will be the same way.

 

I met a very intelligent, talented and beautiful lady in Spain many years ago who did no drugs. Some folks brought out some "snow" at a party. She tried it. From that time on she would do whatever it took to get coke. The last time I saw her, she was "on the streets" on an island in Spain. Some folks said she was sleeping on the beach or with anyone who had cocaine.

 

It's an insidious drug. Never relent. Never think "one line can't hurt." It can, and you were absolutely right in fleeing. If I were you, I'd make it a point to never see those folks again. The fact that they were pissed off only underscores the rightness of your decision.

 

I think the incidence of drug use is about the same among swingers as the general population.

 

Mr. Alura

[cumhungrycouple 15]

Well dont think I am a prude but drugs to me in general and for swinging are not what I want or want to see as;

 

- I was brought up to associate drug takers = loosers with no personality

- never found anyone to disprove that! (I am too young for the 60's) and where the wife comes from I see druggies and they are like "ghosts"

- drugs screw your brain up. I have one brain prefer to keep it in good condition!

- I get high as a kite from sex and having fun - why I need an artificial stimulant?

- they are illegal - who wants to be caught in a drugs raid (random drug testing happens where I lived for a long time - in clubs!) and go to jail

- someone high might do something risky like forget the condoms....spread an STD say

- if someone screws with their brain and body with drugs - do they take risks with HIV/STD's?

 

If I see drugs. I walk away. Bye Bye druggies!

[BiWoman33 15]

Brava to you for knowing yourself. It's too bad they were so awful about your feelings. I don't think you will encounter it too much, though it's not likely that you never will again. Your well being is paramount, so you should continue to do whatever you need to to stay healthy.

I was at one small private party where a few people were doing cocaine( I am afraid of trying, as Alura's post demonstrates-plus I was growing up in Boston when a well-conditioned top college athlete dropped dead from doing it ONCE) and the host continued throughout the evening to offer me a "bump", even though I had told him I don't do coke. Ever. I really do feel the majority of swingers find drug use and even excessive alcohol use to inhibit actual sexual performance. If someone is heavily intoxicated it can make you feel that they are not in full control of their faculties, and perhaps unaware of their actions. Not the experience most people want. Good luck in the future- I think it would help you to state up front that you want to meet drug-free couples, and saying so would offend very few.

[djjwp 129]

Right move. They are losers.

[Alura 2,775]

Cumhungrycouplewrote:

 

I was brought up to associate drug takers = loosers with no personality

- never found anyone to disprove that!

 

I have. An excellent example was a black American who was a professor of Literature at a German University. He was also a writer whose ambition was to have as great an effect on Western Literature as did Dostoyevsky. I don't know if he ever succeeded, but can assure you that his writings, which I was privileged to read, were way above average.

 

I don't think he did coke, though.

 

I would agree that many "druggies" fit your description, Cumhungrycouple, but like most prejudices, there are astounding exceptions.

 

Mr. Alura

[JnCC 24]

...the husband of the other couple asks me to get something out of the drawer in the end table. When I open it up, I see cocaine in there.

That was his way of saying, "Hey, would you guys like to do a little coke?"

 

Your leaving was your way of saying, "No thanks"

 

In the West-coast city where I grew up, Coke was "cool" for about 2 years in the early 80's. Since then, it's been pretty much a "losers drug-of-choice."

 

You won't see that much of it in the lifestyle, because neither the clubs, nor the folks who host private parties, want to give the police ANY justification for entering the premises.

[BradAndJanet 70]

I tried it once too, Al. I couldn't figure out what all the fuss was about. Damn expensive stuff too!

 

-B

[MoonLightKiss 28]

I want to say thank you to you all for your kind words and support. You can believe that there will be better screening from now on, and any and all profiles now specifically state NO DRUGS NO EXCEPTIONS. I don't want to screw up my family and my life for what some call "fun" so thank you all so much for your support. It is a comfort to know that each and everyone of you are compassionate and understanding. Hugs to all of you!!

[Lovinlife59912 17]

Congrat's on staying clean If that's the only way those people can loosen up to have fun then thats too bad for them.

Always follow your heart... it normally won't lead you astray.

[WesternSwing 504]

MoonLightKiss, you did exactly the right thing. And no, drugs are not a big part of the swinging scene. In fact, I've never, ever seen coke at any party we've been to. Never do anything that makes you uncomfortable. There are plenty of prospects out there that are better for you.

 

Mr. WS

[singleagain 26]

My best friend tried cocain one time...his last time...actually his last time trying anything. We had his funeral about two weeks later. It would have been sooner but no one found his body until about a week and a half after he expired. Cocain doesn't mix with anything...swinging, marriage, being single, driving a car, baby-sitting...the list goes on.

 

You did exactly what you should have done. Me...I would have squeezed my partners hand and left without saying a word. I don't know what you say in your profile but when and if I put up a new one it will say...no means no...and that includs no drugs! I want to feel the sex, not the high.

[WesternSwing 504]

- I was brought up to associate drug takers = loosers with no personality

- never found anyone to disprove that!

I also have to disagree with that. My brother is an addict. He's been clean off heroin for about two years now, but I know he still smokes weed and he still drinks. It doesn't matter what kind of substance it is, he'll abuse it, it's in his nature. But is he a loser? No. Does it make hard for him to be a functional part of society? Usually. He goes through spurts of working like a horse then taking 6 months off.

 

My dad is a recovering druggy and alcoholic and he's been clean for 18 years. He was completely functional. Alcohol, coke, and weed were his vices. Was he functional? Hell yeah! He owned a very large advertising firm. He did very well financially for a very long time. Finally, he made some bad choices, lost it all, split with my mom, and hit rock bottom. He still wears his thrift store shirt he bought at the brokest time of his life every year on the anniversary of his sobriety as a reminder of being at rock bottom. But he is very much not a loser, is very comfortable again, and was very functional during his drunk years. Some can do it, others can't. To lump them all in one box as "losers" is a very ingnorant to the ways of addiction thing to do.

 

Mr. WS

[The Fuse 1,012]

MoonlightKiss, thanks for sharing your story. I'm adding my voice to your chorus of support here. Congratulations on being so strong and doing the right thing, even when the other couple got nasty.

[fun4Ds 1,098]

congradulations on everything you have accomplished.and every thing you chose to do with leaving this couple. yes we could ad to the bad things hard drugs can do. we are clean but to your question about this being in the lifestyle the answer is. No we dont see drugs like we do in the vanilla world.actualy 1 in 10 might have smoked pot.no hard stuff as of yet.were betting 1 in 500 on the coke. we will see. if it does happen we will offer no explanation we would just leave.so sorry they had to pull a stunt like that on you.

[Spoomonkey 421]

My question is, did we do the right thing?

 

Yes you did. You did the right thing for YOU - which is always the most important thing. Sure, they were miffed. They are probably calling you "self-righteous", "Holier-than-thou" and all sorts of nasty names right now - but who cares...

 

You weren't judging them, you were judging yourself - as in "I can't be around this and it is best for us to leave." That takes courage, self-discipline and tons of inner honesty.

 

And does this happen to others or is it just my bad luck?

 

Bad luck? I doubt that. You had a chance to test yourself - as unpleasant as that was - and you passed. You should be grateful for the opportunity to prove to yourself just how strong a person you have become.

 

I used a lot of drugs as a kid and was very fortunate that I lacked that genetic "whatever-it-is" that would have made me an addict. When I got tired of it, I walked away from it. But I come from a family of addicts and know how easy it is to just tumble right back in. I admire anyone who has the kind of guts that you obviously do.

 

Are drugs a part of this lifestyle normally, and if so, whats the best way to deal with them?

 

Drugs are a part of the lifestyle - just like drugs are a part of life. We are not users ourselves - and as far as we know, we have not played with drug users. We'd prefer not to, if for no other reason than it could put us in harm's way (legal and physical). But, I certainly respect people's choices - as dangerous and silly as I might think those choices to be.

 

The best way to deal with them is just the way you did it - do what is right for YOU. If you do that in every aspect of the lifestyle, you will have very few bad experiences.

 

Spoomonkey

[sexyshelby 19]

Definitely did the right thing. I would have done the same thing. Congrats on being clean and having the courage to walk away from this situation.

 

~SS

[intuition897 2,179]

You GO girl!!

 

You did everything right.

-You listened to your gut instinct.

-You were prepared for bad scenes like this by using discrete signals to your husband.

-You respected yourself and your values enough to make a tough decision.

-You politely declined.

-When they became irate, you calmly explained your reasoning in spite of their obvious immaturity.

-You realize that their disappointment is their problem, and how silly it is of them to expect you to compromise yourself just so they don't have to throw a tantrum like two year olds.

 

I say good for you. I've never tried drugs of any sort (not even cigarettes, unless you count wine as a drug), and I have no idea how hard it must be to quit. I know there are couples out there who aren't into drugs or drinking. Your best bet is to be very clear about that in your profile/ad if you meet people online.

[BorisNatasha 63]

I can handle drinking, I can handle people who smoke pot once in a while (but not 'potheads' and I do not partake myself), but anything harder than that shows up on the table and we would be out the door so fast they'd be left wondering if we were even there at all.

 

Back in high school, my sister's best friend was murdered along with 3 other people by some cokehead after a minor argument. You can not trust people who are hopped up on that shit.

 

Good call.

 

Boris

[lovedoctor 15]

You know you did the right thing! You owe these people no explanation. Who cares if they are "mad?" They are not your friends and I sincerely hope you write them off. Life is too short and you have worked too hard to get away from that. YOU GO GIRL!

[sereneiders 263]

MoonlightKiss, congratulations for you will power!

 

You did the right thing, without ANY second toughts.

 

There are things that MUST be openly told before engaging in swinging. We do this even for more simple things like tobaco, or alcohol, it is somethig people is upfront about from the scratch, because this save a lot of time for everyone involved.

 

Given your history with drugs, I believe that warning people you dislike drugs durning swinging, or just any drug users, (they doesn't have to know why, they may figure out you had a bad experience without falling in details) could be a wise measure to avoid something like this to happen again.

 

In the other hand, if these people wanted to use drugs, they should let you know beforehand. Not doing it, and even worst, leaving the drug at the sight as to suggest it use or tempt you to use it is something way too low from them.

 

People like this couple doesn't deserve your company.

[Pepper & Drew 384]

Brava to you for knowing yourself. It's too bad they were so awful about your feelings. I don't think you will encounter it too much, though it's not likely that you never will again. Your well being is paramount, so you should continue to do whatever you need to to stay healthy.

I was at one small private party where a few people were doing cocaine( I am afraid of trying, as Alura's post demonstrates-plus I was growing up in Boston when a well-conditioned top college athlete dropped dead from doing it ONCE) and the host continued throughout the evening to offer me a "bump", even though I had told him I don't do coke. Ever. I really do feel the majority of swingers find drug use and even excessive alcohol use to inhibit actual sexual performance. If someone is heavily intoxicated it can make you feel that they are not in full control of their faculties, and perhaps unaware of their actions. Not the experience most people want. Good luck in the future- I think it would help you to state up front that you want to meet drug-free couples, and saying so would offend very few.

 

I think his name was Len Bias and it had a huge impact on me too. We've had some pushy people try to push drugs on us and my attitude is, 'look, it didn't work at 19, so it damn sure won't work at 29.'

 

If they're drinking and you don't want a drink, you have a right to leave. If they're smoking and you don't want to smell it, go. And, by all means, if they're doing illicit drugs and you don't want any part of it, get the hell up outta there. And their snippiness only confirms that they aren't people you want to spend time with anyway.

 

Pepper

[Darkane 18]

Drugs suck. I lost ten years of my life to them. Coke, Meth, PCP, Acid, etc.

 

Personally, I think sex on drugs just cheapens the whole experience.

 

Avoid people who do anything more than smoke weed, unless you're like me and hate the smell of weed, then avoid them too. lol