How to interest my wife in swinging without being manipulative?

[funseeking 15]

How can I interest my wife in swinging WITHOUT ! being a manipulative SOB....that I have been and that members on this board have made clear to me. My eyes have been opened to my ways...now what can I do?

 

Is my only recourse to "shut up" forever?

 

What about this idea? I think this idea may put "the ball" into her corner so to speak......but first a bit of history much of which you will also find in my very first post but that I think I need to state here .

 

My wife is friends with a guy that is married, but his marriage is very poor and he told me that he is thinking about leaving and that he does not "really" love his wife, whatever that means.

 

My wife wants only friendship with this guy at this time and has told me but she does think he is good looking although not as good looking as me

 

He is VERY attracted to my wife, as are all men. He has told her this and has even said stuff like "you make me horny' and you are "very hot" but as I said he respects her boundaries.

 

He knows that have told my wife to do anything with him that she wants to, should she want to. I did tell her today that I think she should wait until he leaves his wife before she gets physical with him, should she ever desire this. I give members on this board credit for waking me up on this one.

 

He thinks I am nuts by the way

 

My wife has the "walls" and "barriers" up and he knows it and because he is a good guy and respects her he has not tired to be "forward" at all. I think this also has to do with the fact that he is still with his wife and he doesn't feel comfortable going after my wife for sex while still with her.

 

Now for "the idea" ...which I think puts "the ball" into my wife's corner and gives her some real meat to chew on I think.

My wife has a very strong fantasy about being fucked and licked at the same time....I would like to see this one unfold with me as the licker and another man as the one doing doggy. Never tried it but I think it can be done.

 

Here are my concerns.......

 

Would it be appropriate for this man to be "the man", if he does leave his wife that is? I don't want him doing this while he is with his wife.

He is my wife's good friend and in becoming "the man" the friendship would never be the same again and in fact it could end the friendship altogether. What do you think here? But I don't see why he could not continue to be a good but all be it different kind of friend.

 

I am also concerned that because they are good friends there is the possibility that either he, or my my wife, or both ,will "fall in love". I highly doubt that my wife would simply because of our very strong love for each other and for the fact that she said that she would never trade me for her male friend, even IF she got physical with him in the future....which she doubts she will do.

 

Thanx all

[havefuninsun 122]

What does she say now when you bring it up??

 

(Welcome to the board, by the way. The cool kids hang out here!)

 

For a long time, I felt it was very intriguing ... and sexy ... all of that. I had to feel secure enough in our relationship to "go there." And Mr. Fun knew that. So we talked (no pressure) and talked about fantasies we both have which require more than two people. And even as we were walking out the door to meet folks for the first time, he'd say "you don't have to do this you know. Don't do it for the wrong reasons." Even the first couple we had fun with -- we met at a restaurant and we were all ready to take the party someplace else, in the car, he was wonderful about making sure I was OK with everything.

 

HER feelings are what are important. From what I see (and guys, correct me here if I'm wrong), the women really do drive all of this. In fact, I do most of the communications with potential playmates now, etc. Just works best. (Keeps him from saying silly things to others)

 

So -- keep on talking; have fun discussing fantasies, etc. But, if at the end of the day she's not interested, you've learned how to have meaninful discussions with your wife and hopefully your relationship will benefit from the openness of conversation. It's all good.

[jennandjamesinm 87]

funseeking said:

How can I interest my wife in swinging without being a manipulative SOB....

what can I do or say etc?

 

Thanx all

 

By continuously posting the same question, just with different wording shows that you are trying to manipulate her into swinging. Here are the threads (that were merged into one) that has ALL of the advice that has been given thus far. https://www.swingersboard.com/forums/topic/20504-ladies-can-you-help-me-get-my-wife-to-swing-with-a-male-friend/

 

The simple fact of the matter is that if you have brought it up, and she has said that she's not interested, then you need to let it die - just like you need to let these asinine threads that you are starting DIE. I know I am being harsh, but you have gotten good advice, now do yourself a favor and take it.

 

Jenn

[funseeking 15]

jennandjamesinm said:

By continuously posting the same question, just with different wording shows that you are trying to manipulate her into swinging. Here are the threads (that were merged into one) that has ALL of the advice that has been given thus far. http://www.swingersboard.com/forums/showthread.php?t=25261

 

The simple fact of the matter is that if you have brought it up, and she has said that she's not interested, then you need to let it die - just like you need to let these asinine threads that you are starting DIE. I know I am being harsh, but you have gotten good advice, now do yourself a favor and take it.

 

Jenn

 

I know I am being manipulative BUT I don't want to be. I just want my wife to be interested in swinging...is that so damn wrong?

 

You admitted "harshness" is not nice or warranted here. My manipulative ways were made clear to me by some of the posters on this board. I was not aware that I was manipulating until I heard what others had to say.

 

I am not posting the same question with different words this time. All I want to know is how to interest my wife WITHOUT being manipulative.

You mean to tell me that neither one of you had to do anything or say anything to get the other one interested in swinging?

 

I also posted a couple of real concerns that I would like more opinions on.

 

I guess there is nothing I can do now.

 

I feel stuck.

[funseeking 15]

havefuninsun said:

What does she say now when you bring it up??

 

For a long time, I felt it was very intriguing ... and sexy ... all of that. I had to feel secure enough in our relationship to "go there." And Mr. Fun knew that. So we talked (no pressure) and talked about fantasies we both have which require more than two people. And even as we were walking out the door to meet folks for the first time, he'd say "you don't have to do this you know. Don't do it for the wrong reasons." Even the first couple we had fun with -- we met at a restaurant and we were all ready to take the party someplace else, in the car, he was wonderful about making sure I was OK with everything.

 

HER feelings are what are important. From what I see (and guys, correct me here if I'm wrong), the women really do drive all of this. In fact, I do most of the communications with potential playmates now, etc. Just works best. (Keeps him from saying silly things to others)

 

So -- keep on talking; have fun discussing fantasies, etc. But, if at the end of the day she's not interested, you've learned how to have meaningful discussions with your wife and hopefully your relationship will benefit from the openness of conversation. It's all good.

 

That was good advice and I appreciate it. This is the kind of stuff I want to hear and not that this thread is "asinine".

[good times 991]

You mean to tell me that neither one of you had to do anything or say anything to get the other one interested in swinging?

 

I can't speak for anyone else but that is pretty much how it worked for us. The subject got brought up by events outside of our relationship, we discussed it, and decided it sounded like fun to both of us, so we decided to give it a try. That was a little over four years ago and we are still having fun.

 

In your case, if you have presented the idea to your wife and she isn't interested, then you are done, it isn't going to happen, in my opinion. Very few people are cut out to be swingers, it sounds to me like your wife is with the majority of the population and doesn't want to go there. So my advice is, if you value your marriage, leave it alone, forget it and move on to something else.

[OttawaCuple 15]

How can I interest my wife in swinging ....

 

I've been following all your posts and threads for a while now.

 

You're not asking your wife if she's interested in swinging, you're asking her to have sex with a married man who she is friends with, and who is supposedly in an unhappy marriage .... that's not swinging, that's CHEATING (yes he'd be the one cheating on HIS wife, but by being part of HIS cheating, she is a cheater as well). It is, as everyone here has already said over and over, VERY risky in so many ways.

 

So, have you ever asked your wife if she'd be interested in actually SWINGING??? ... within the generally accepted definition of swinging??? ... which, BTW, does not include having sex with one half of a married couple .... but which generally involves either going to a swingers' club to meet other swinger couples (with no pressure to play with others right away if she wants to take baby steps) OR, meeting (say, thru SLS) another couple who ARE swingers, but who would be interested in also starting slowly with you two (perhaps only playing with each other in the presence of the other couple at first - again, taking baby steps)??

 

If not, perhaps you should. That would be, in my mind, a good alternative to shutting up about it.

 

MrsOttawaCuple

[intuition897 2,179]

funseeking said:

I know I am being manipulative BUT I don't want to be. I just want my wife to be interested in swinging...is that so damn wrong?

 

You admitted "harshness" is not nice or warranted here. My manipulative ways were made clear to me by some of the posters on this board. I was not aware that I was manipulating until I heard what others had to say.

 

I am not posting the same question with different words this time. All I want to know is how to interest my wife WITHOUT being manipulative.

 

funseeking, one thing you will be certain to find here on this board is straight-up, frank...and sometimes very blunt...honesty. We don't pull any punches, and you're guaranteed to hear things that you don't want to hear. Because they're the truth and the truth is not always convenient.

 

Simply admitting that you're manipulative and that you don't like to be, doesn't absolve you from being just that. And asking us, "How can I not be manipulative and still get what I want?" is not going to get you an answer you want to hear. The simple truth of the matter is that if you really want to get what you want, you really REALLY need to let this GO! If you insist on clinging to this fantasy, IT - WILL - DIE.

 

You can't push her through the door. And pining away about it is just going to piss her off. She said no. Drop it. Maybe consider revisiting the idea - in a different format - in a couple of years. Yeah, I said a couple of years. In any case, this scenario with "the guy" is never going to be a good idea. If you want to be a swinger, show your wife this board and let HER take the lead for a change. Are you giving her back her sexuality or not? If you are, be prepared: she may have ideas of her own, and they may not be anything like what you had in mind.

[TLO7777 15]

All I want to know is how to interest my wife WITHOUT being manipulative.

 

Here's where you are missing the boat... Wanting to interest someone in something they have clearly stated is not of interest is by DEFINITION being manipulative. Period.

 

So the short answer to the above quoted quesion is... you can't.

 

I also posted a couple of real concerns that I would like more opinions on

 

The reason no one here is going to address your other "real" concerns is that they are all built around your persistent desire to manipulate her into doing something she isn't wanting. This is so contrary to ethical non-monogamy that you're simply not likely to get much support here.

 

The irony is that IF your wife is truly ever going to take an interest it will probably be a combination of two things:

 

1) The seed you have already planted in letting her know you are open to this.

2) Confidence and trust built upon you demonstrating that you ONLY want to do this if it is something you are both equally enthusiastic about.

 

So, truly the very best thing you can do to allow that seed to grow (if it hasn't landed on barren soil) is to sincerely and authentically show her that being with her is far more important than any fantasy fulfillment through swinging. To make her secure in the fact that if she doesn't want this you will happily spend the rest of your life being monogamous with her.

 

It is exactly this kind of unconditional commitment, love, and trust that makes it possible for people to have healthy swinging relationships. If it comes up short on either side drama and relationship strife is simply inevitable.

 

Problem is, to convince her of this... you have to really feel that way yourself. To do that you need to actually heed the good advice that everyone is offering and not only "shut up"... but actually and authentically "let it go".

[LOL_OMG 130]

It took me a few years to even consider swinging after the hubby brought it up for the first time (exactly like Intuition said). Bless his heart, he didn't push it at all....but waited for me to ask "so what is this all about?"

 

That being said, it's my opinion that:

 

1. You're asking her to swing.

 

2. You're asking her to swing with a friend.

 

3. You're asking her to swing with a friend who is married.

 

The #1 is a hard concept in itself and takes time, maybe never for someone to grasp it.

The #2 thing adds complications that even most of us who are into the lifestyle won't do.

The #3 is a no-no for most swingers, and to add friendship into it (especially if she knows or worse yet likes the wife) the complications can be devistating.

 

I really don't know if you realize what you're doing, you say you're being manipulative....but I think you're taking your dick into your hand by forcing this issue, and in the end you might be taking it up the butt. (sorry for the bluntness)

 

Mrs LOL

[BiloxiCouple 695]

Is my only recourse to "shut up" forever?

 

Yes.

 

Until she brings it up.

 

I tell my wife that no matter what decision I make it will be wrong. I let her make the decisions and it is always right. That way I get more

[BigDave 15]

Dude,

 

My intuition tells me that if you were ever successfull in realizing your fantasy about your wife and her friend, you will seriouslly regret it.

 

My take, is that swingers have learned to compartmentalize love and sex while the majority of indivuals, especially women, equate the two. They only like to have sex with someone they love to the point that if they do have sex they might fall in love.

 

Compartmentalizing sex and love is a concept that is foreign to your wife.

 

If you insist on trying to convince her to have a threesome so you could see her in the throws of exstasy and watch her expertise driving another man out of his mind with pleasure, and with envy of you for having such a beautiful sexy wife, then do it with someone far away, or a stranger. And do it with a single guy or while the married guy's wife is right there.

 

Don't be stupid.

[Sweet_Candy 54]

funseeking said:

My wife has a very strong fantasy about being fucked and licked at the same time....I would like to see this one unfold with me as the licker and another man as the one doing doggy. Never tried it but I think it can be done.

 

This can be done without swinging but you will need to spend some money. Go online and order an adjustable fucking machine that can be set up to do your wife in a number of different positions. Pick up several attachments of varying sizes and use your imagination. If the cost concerns you let me tell you this, if you do get into the lifestyle you will spend this much easily in the first 6 months on clothing and dates. Then present it to her and have some naughty fun. It may help her to see swinging as an option. Or you will at least have the means to play out your fantasy without losing her.

[WesternSwing 504]

funseeking said:

You mean to tell me that neither one of you had to do anything or say anything to get the other one interested in swinging?

 

Nope, actually we didn't. LOL We had discussed it in a fantasy realm such as "Our neighbors sure like us... what if we swapped? Think that would happen?" So we were already talking about the "what if" scenarios. Then the time was just right at the right party one night. We met a couple that are swingers and they showed interest in us and we set-up a night together about three weeks later.

 

We really just fell into it. All the pieces to the puzzle just fit. We didn't have to coerce each other into swinging, all we had to do was discuss it. Now we did the "what if"scenarios for three years before the actual thing happened though. But we were both open to the idea of it happening. You're wife doesn't seem interested in taking it past the fantasy stage. If she won't go, you can't take her. If you coerce and manipulate she will resent you, then she won't trust any of your motives. This is something she has to want to do. Having sex with others is a huge emotional step and some will take it, some won't.

 

The only thing I can suggest is to once in a while discuss it in a non-threatening, not-manipulative way. You know, in normal conversation. Someday she may become interested, or maybe she never will and will just want to leave it as a playtime fantasy.

 

Good luck.