The husband and my wife spend alot of time talking...should I be worried?

[VanHlebar 187]

Mrs Van and I have met this other couple that is just fantastic. The four of us click so well that it is amazing. We have so many similar interests and such similar backgrounds that it is almost scarry. So what is the problem right?

 

The husband and Mrs Van have really hit it off. We have played with this coulpe a number of times and each time she has had a great time with him while I have had "issues" on occasion with the wife. The husband and Mrs Van seem to spend alot of time talking with each other. They chat via IM throughout most of the day and when not on IM they talk over texts on their cell phones. This is the problem for me. Either he sends her a text or she sends him one first thing each morning just to say goos morning and then again before they goto bed to say good night. We have talked about this and Mrs Van has assured me that there is nothing here other than attraction to him as a playmate. Mrs Van has never given me any reason to doubt her intentions and I am sure I can trust her.

 

Another issue, this is the couple some might recall that Mrs Van and the other couple planned a suprise for me during busy season. The wife showed up at my office before we all met for an office suprise. I didn't ask for it and in hind sight I don't think it should have occured. Mrs Van and I had expressed our desire at the beginning that we would play only as a couple and never alone. Well now that this has occurred both the husband and Mrs Van have expressed interest in meeting alone. I am not comfortable with this and all of us know it. Everyone has agreed that it would not happen unless I am comfortable with it.

 

So taking this along with the on going communication they have and I will say the green headed moster has popped up in a bad way. I really like this couple but I am scared as hell by the conversations. He is always very complimentary and flaterring to Mrs Van. It is very uncomfortable to get up in the morning and she has already received a txt message and usually already chatting. Then we head to bed and as we are crawling into bed she has to send a good night message to him.

 

Would anyone else be concerned? Are these just the thoughts of an insecure husband who needs to figure it out? We have play with very few people up to this point but this has never occured. It has me scared so bad that I am actually wondering if swinging is really for me or us.

 

Sorry for the long post.

 

-Van

[Lawguy 15]

Van, this is NOT the green headed monster calling you--this is common sense. I hate to quote Doctor Laura, but hey, wake up and smell the coffee. There is obviously more than a simple sexual attatraction between the Mr. and your Mrs. They want to meet alone. Why? The answer to that question will tell you everything. Just my opinion here, but I think that you should cut the other couple off completely. Perhaps not forever, but at least six months, etc. My guess is that you'll find your wife still trying to keep up communication with him. If she can handle six months with no communication, then I'll be the first to apologize, but if not, then yes, you have much to fear.

[EvilMJ 65]

VanHlebar,

 

We have our boundaries set for a reason. Comfort zones. It most likely is that your wife is doing all this innocently, feeling that she loves you and this is not a threat to your marriage. However if it is in any way leaving you feeling uncomfortable, then it has to stop and you need to talk to her about this.

 

We had a similar situation in our past where the wife of a couple would leave messages on my husband's cell phone (very sexy messages). Now I knew my husband loved me and would never cheat on me, but it did leave me feeling hurt, and worried. Therefore we had to stop that. We all have that feeling of insecurity, that voice that whispers "what if' if our ear. Perhaps you need to sit down all four of you and discuss what is allowed and what is not i.e: the constant messaging and chatting. They may not realize this is a problem with you, until you tell them.

 

You just have to tell the Mrs. how you feel, and regardless of whether she thinks it is innocent or not, it is causing a problem and therefore needs to come to a halt. Ask her to reverse the situation, would she feel comfortable if you were doing this with another woman.

 

To me it would be too close to a realationship for comfort, it might work for others, and that is perfectly fine, but it is clear that it is not working for you.

[graygo98 148]

Me.... I'd be very concerned. Things seem to be spinning out of control, or at least well out of your comfort zone. Hit the brakes hard and now.

 

Perhaps couples that seek "friends with benefits" have a different take on things. For us, though, swinging is about the sheer fun we enjoy in each other's excitement, the thrill of the chase and the electricity of purely hedonistic sex with others. Its not about developing relationships with other couples, or friendships or anything like that. We have friends, we have our relationship. Sure, we have to like and be interested in the people we hang with but taking it any further than that is both unnecessary and, as your situation shows, way too complicated.

[JnCC 24]

...Everything You Said....

 

Would anyone else be concerned? Are these just the thoughts of an insecure husband who needs to figure it out?

Yeah, I'd be concerned. VERY concerned, since this is obviously troubling you, but she is persisting in it.

 

Swinging is supposed to be fun, and your participation in it is supposed to draw you closer together. At this point, at least with this couple, it is doing neither.

 

You've mentioned that you're relatively new at this. May offer a piece of advice from one who's "been there," and who admittedly has some views of swinging that not everybody in here shares?

 

Don't EVER feel you need to apologize for encountering "The Green-headed Monster."

 

Many times, that "bad feeling" you get about a situation, that "little voice" that's telling you to "Run, Forrest, run!" isn't a bad thing at all. It's your guardian angel, telling you to get the hell away from somebody or something. Listen to it!

 

The generally-accepted "Golden Rule" of swinging is that "No means NO." Why shouldn't that apply to you, and your wife's relationships with other people, as well? One of the best rules we ever had, and in fact, probably the only one we ever really needed or adhered to, was the notion that we each held total veto power over any person, place, or activity. No discussion, no arguments, no whining. If either of us was uncomfortable with something or someone, we didn't proceed any further, period. That rule probably cost us a few missed opportunities along the way, but it avoided oh-so-many problems as well.

 

It's no secret that I like to ride/drive a little faster than I ought. But when I'm on an unfamiliar road, and I encounter a sign that says "slow, curves" or "traffic light ahead" I don't think of it as a "monster"...a nuisance there only to spoil my fun. Rather, I see it as a message meant to warn my ass of impending doom if I don't slow down.

 

Swinging IS the "fast lane" of relationships. You've been negotiating the curves pretty well so far, but now you're seeing the signs telling you to slow down, or there may be problems ahead. Heed them.

[BiWoman33 15]

It sounds like there is a real infatuation between the two of them- why else does he wake and and think of her first thing? It should stop - I don't doubt that his wife is getting pretty uncomfortable with it, too. If he wasn't a friend she had regular sex with, it might be just fine, but the physical aspect heightens the friendship. It sounds like a runaway train, if they don't become aware of what they are doing. At the same time, Van, your posts always reflect your intelligence and the great communication you have with your wife, and I sense that you can work it out together very well. Keep us posted....

[VanHlebar 187]

Thanks all for the responses. I would like to first attempt to clarify my issue and restate that Mrs Van has never ever ever, given me any reason to think that she would cheat on me. I agree that this whole issue has made me feel very uncomfortable.

 

I think I might have misprepsented some stuff. They do text alot back and forth, but the good night message was once. Mrs Van has always said that if I was uncomfortable with them that we could call it off. The problem is that I would have to say to her that it needs to stop which makes me feel really quilty for doing so.

 

I have really portrayed her poorly in my above post and after rereading the post I feel really bad about doing so. Mrs Van I am sure will post here soon to correct my mistakes and I apologize to all for airing out our dirty laundry on the board.

 

Thanks again for the honest answers folks.

 

-Van

[Sweet_Candy 54]

Let's ignore what you said about Mrs. Van for a moment. The issue here is that you are uncomfortable with the relationship that you two have with this other couple. Break it off with them would be our advice. You've already spoken of way too much drama for us to deal with. Remember there are always others out there to play with. Listen to your intuition. Your marriage is paramount not the relationship with this other couple.

[sereneiders 263]

Ms Van,

 

Swingers define their own "confort zones" as EviMJ expressed it. We either stick to these "confort zones" or shift the "confort zones" to adapt them to the situation (perhaps only as an exception with special playmates), or we run into troubles.

 

Swingers thumb rule says "avoid emotional attachments with your playmates" as a way to stick to safe "confort zones". But this is a wishfull thinking: we're not owners of our feelings as to control them at will. Shit happens.

 

Now, I believe part of the problem here is finding out your wife feels very good with this other guy around, that she found out another soulmate, but neither you nor the other couple's wife developed the same sort of feelings, so your wife is getting more than what you get from this relationship.

 

As a side tought, this may resemble those scenarios we often see around, where the guy isn't up to accept the wife is getting more fun than himself.

 

In this case, the problem isn't the fun, but the developed emotions. If I were to follow the Swingers Manual and advice by the book, I'd stick to the advices you already got, but there is something related to your wife honesty here to take into account, if you believe in her words or if you doesn't. Because by calling off at this point, you may hurt your wife's feelings.

 

Perhaps there's a question we have to ask to ourselves: Do we have the right to develop emotions towards other people, besides our spouses, or we haven't? I know my answer is: we do have that right, moreover, it is something beyond our control as to prettend to rule over that. Should you want to rule about this, then this rule should have been engaged way long ago, preventing you two even to become friends from your playmates to deprive each other from the chance to develop these feelings.

 

But it seems to me it was ok for you to accept this other couple friendship, to enjoy the click you four had, because even for you that couple was (still is?) fantastic. You too developed your own feelings towards that couple, and t would be up to you to decide if the feelings you developed towards them, even when not to the same degree than your wife's feelings, grant them some credit able to make them part of the solution and not only part of the problem.

 

Should this relation keep going on, they you'd have to shift your "confort zones", because it's likely to end up in a polyamoral relationship, but for this to happen, you'd have to solve the issues you have with your wife, and then the four of you would have to solve the issues you have between the couples (moreover, the differences in the way your wife relate with this other guy and the way you relate with this guy's wife).

 

In any case, your wife must understand that whatever she does have an effect on you, should she want to keep doing it, she must take care of you to get rid of the side effects. It seems to me you're failing to make this point, that she is failing to understand it, or that the feelings involved for both of you are interferring in your communication. I believe this is what for sure need to change to avoid 1) tearing your marriage, and 2) tearing whatever relation you may pursue with this couple.

 

The conservative approach to produce this change would be to call off and solve this with your wife, alone, but given the feelings YOU TWO already developed (including your jealousy), this may become a long road.

 

A less conservative approach would be to include the other marriage. They may have their own issues. Doesn't the wife knows about the husband text messages? what's her reaction and feelings?. She may be ok with this and they may want to go on with the relationship, and they may understand they have to change things as weell to respect your own confort zones as part of this foursome, or they may want to go on but prove to your wife and to you they doesn't care about you, throwing to the ground both your and your wife expectations, and even they may not want to commit in any other level with you two. In any case, either the four of you understand the issue here and make an effor to overcome it, or you wife would realize she was stepping over your toes for something that din't worth it... and if she still feels it worths, then you'd have way more serious problems in your marriage and you'd be aware of these for sure.

 

I'ts up to you (two) to decide is this other couple worth such an effort or if they doesn't worth it.

[sexyshelby 19]

If you are uncomfortable, things need to stop. Bottom line!

 

I don't think you portrayed Mrs Van in any negative way. Assuming what you said is true, this is an issue that needs to be tackled before moving forward.

I think we've come to know Mrs. Van and know that she is a loving wife. Regardless of whether or not she is planning on cheating on you (which I doubt), this arangement still needs to end.

 

~SS

[Darter02 15]

Would anyone else be concerned? Are these just the thoughts of an insecure husband who needs to figure it out? We have play with very few people up to this point but this has never occured. It has me scared so bad that I am actually wondering if swinging is really for me or us.

 

Oh yes, you should be very concerned indeed. I speak from experience here, and from both sides of the fence.

 

Recently the wife of a couple I know and who’ve “we” (as in the ex & I) have had encounters with has been contacting me via IM. She has begun the pattern you are seeing. She IM’s me “good morning” and if I am online late, “good night.” At first I assumed it was all just friendly. She then asked me to lunch, I accepted. There I found out her hubby, who I know, was not aware of our lunch. Now she is sending me mail outlining a sexual affair she wants with me. Needless to say I am not biting.

 

You really need to discuss this with her. I can only hope she will see your side of things and pull back from the edge. I am not saying she is cheating on you but the potential for disaster is there.

 

My best wishes to you and her.

[JnCC 24]

Mrs Van has never ever ever, given me any reason to think that she would cheat on me.

I'm kind of curious about this, since, in re-reading your original post, I can find a half-dozen reasons why I would think otherwise.

 

Some people cheat as a way of getting their partners attention. They'll give off all kinds of little "hints," because they want to be caught. Others cheat simply as a way of getting extra attention from someone other than their spouse. Those people can be very effective at keeping their affairs secret, often for many years.

 

I don't know what your wife's intentions are with all this, but there is absolutely NO reason for him to be chatting with her at all hours of the day, and there is absolutely NO reason for her to be responding to him.

 

Another thing I'm curious about...does his wife know about all this? If not, maybe it's time to bring her into the loop...

[VanHlebar 187]

Hey folks thanks again for all the replies.

 

I agree that the easiest thing would be to call off any future relationship with this couple. This option at the present time is not what any of us want. I agree with Sereinders that this I think is more of me making an issue than there really being one.

 

SexyShelby, thank you very much for seeing the true MrsVan that I see. She has never hidden these messages and I don't believe she is planning to cheat. I didn't want this to become a trash MrsVan thread and I appreciate everyone for trying to help me with my issues without tearing her apart.

 

We are continuing to discuss this issue and I think I just need to figure how to accept that there really isn't anything more here than what I see.

 

That is easier said than done however. Again I do appreciate everyone

's comments and even more I appreciate that you folks are able to read a post and apply what you know about us as a couple from other posts to your comments. After rereading my initial post it is very harsh.

 

Thanks again!

-Van

[The Fuse 1,012]

EvilMJ, JnCC and others have good points here. Mrs. Van and the gentleman seem to be infatuated. Giving them both the benefit of the doubt from what we know about them, this is most likely fine and would subside over time. However, you are uncomfortable with the constant communication, even though she is not hiding it. JnCC is right; this is enough to reasonably ask her to stop. If they put a lid on the IMing and texting, this could be enough to let the infatuation subside somewhat, and save the swinging relationship with a couple you both like. Mrs. Van seems sweet and is probably just caught up in what's happening. Good luck.

[sereneiders 263]

That is easier said than done however. Again I do appreciate everyone

's comments and even more I appreciate that you folks are able to read a post and apply what you know about us as a couple from other posts to your comments. After rereading my initial post it is very harsh.

 

This is for everyone. When we read a post it seems to me we trend to let us go with the flow of the OP emotions, and that we often give for granted the facts as the OP perceive them.

 

It is rasonable to assume there will be some harsh comments since the OP usually comes for advice when he/she is already sumerged in his/her current problem, and when we write about our issues we trend to express the ideas trought our feelings glasses.

 

It doesn't matter if we already know the OP and/or the OP spouse, what does matter is that we have a post and that we know the OP have some degree of pain that makes his/her own subjectivity take the leading, so we shouldn't give for granted the facts stated in the post are objective, and afterwards we shouldn't extrapolate these facts with others we know for sure from our personal experience.

 

Threfore, I think we should focus ONLY in the OP person, may be ask questions about these things that made us suspicious, advice him/her on the ways to a better understanding of what's going on, but we shouldn't add fuel to the fire being harsh ourselves towards any third person referred in the original post, since we don't know anything about them until they were coming here to tell us their side of the story.

 

We should be very carefull in the way we read a post from someone in pain, and in the advice we provide.

[good times 991]

First off, I would like to say that I agree with the others on the point that if it is uncomfortable to you then your wife should respect that and curtail this behavior.

 

That being said, I have to say that Mrs. GT does this type of thing all the time. In fact, she has some play partners that she corresponds with on a daily basis. The reason it doesn't bother me is twofold;

 

Number one - She shares the conversations or correspondence with me and doesn't try to keep it secret at all. She is doing nothing behind my back or that I don't know about, in other words.

 

Two - Mrs. GT enjoys personal interaction with others such as talking on the phone, pming, and emailing much more than I do. I am much more of a visit in person kind of guy, and I actually dislike talking on the phone. So for her to interact with our friends is perfectly natural and fine with me. The way I look at it is that it is a good thing one of us likes to keep in touch with others or we wouldn't have any friends at all.

 

Therefore, my thoughts are that if you think you can come to terms with your feelings in a way that you are comfortable with, then it isn't a problem. If you can't, and it continues to bother you, then you need to discuss it with your wife and make changes that you both find comfortable.

[LikeMinds321 1,527]

GT makes a great point: Often one spouse of the couple enjoys corresponding more than the other.

 

If I didn't write people, no one would ever get to know us.

 

I think infatuation and high sexual interest is a major factor for Mrs Van and her playmate. Even as swingers we can get caught up in the adrenline rush, the sexual high, as if we were back in high school again...it feels so good to be desired...you are giddy with joy!

 

Mr Van, you are probably feeling like you are getting less attention than usual and that Mrs Van is thinking more about 'him' than you. That can happen when a woman feels so connected with a playmate. And for this reason, it will be good for you two to talk about how to keep your attention towards each other a priority, and how to handle further communication with this couple in a way that will be comfortable to both of you.

 

I think it would be good for the Mrs to cut back on her morning and evening contacts with him and allow some breathing room for a while, to think.

 

I also agree with the other members who advise you to discuss these contact issues with this couple.

 

"We have played with this coulpe a number of times and each time she has had a great time with him while I have had "issues" on occasion with the wife."

 

Since you mention "issues" with his wife, I think there is a double caution here. Whatever those issues are will reflect on how this situation should be handled and discussed with them.

 

Good luck!

 

LM

[lovedoctor 15]

As someone who has recently encountered a similar experience, from Mrs. Van's perspective let me add my comments, if you please.

 

Some folks just seem to really click on an emotional or intellectual level that has little to do with swinging or sex, and more to do with who they are as people. That is what friendship is. I think when you add the sexual element to the picture, it is fairly typical that the situation and intent can be completely, or at least partially misconstrued by every member of the foursome.

 

Especially when you are new to this, it is only natural for feelings to develop - we are just human. In my situation, the green monster developed in both of the other spouses but was just expressed differently. The important thing was that, after an inital floundering about like people dropped into ten foot seas without life preservers, that we all got our shit together and started talking about it. Inexperience nipped us in the ass at first, but it was important enough to all of us that we didn't just throw out the baby with the bath water and chuck the whole thing. That would have been the easier way out.

 

Too many times in our society we are confronted with obstacles and give up quickly. Working through problems is a sign of maturity and a great learning experience. You DO need to trust your instincts about what you think your wife and this man feel for each other. But if you sit down with her and gently encourage her to be honest with herself, and then honest with you about this, then you can go through the process together. The crush that they have going is almost certainly something that the two of you, and then the four of you can work through. Don't be surprised about it, make the discovery together and then a plan for how to deal with it. If you end up having to not see this couple, then so be it. But at least you approached it head on, like adults and you respected each others feelings, developed better communication and improved your relationship. And if you work through it successfully, you can all four relax and enjoy yourselves again, a little less naieve, and a whole lot wiser! That's what it's all about.

[twoferfun69 15]

(soon to be) Mrs Twofer and I had a similar situation recently. Biggest difference was that we had never played with the couple. I have known them for a long time, and they apparently recently became swingers. Now, Mrs and I have not entertainede the idea of playing with them, as we are really not attracted. However.......the other mrs had been constantly emailing and calling me late at night (usually after her and the mr had played, and she was quite .... tipsy....lol). Come to find out, she was doing all this without the knowledge of her mr. Mrs Twofer immediately let me know it made her extremely uncomfortable, and requested that if I had the opportunity to talk with mrs, I was to let her know that this was NOT going to happen, that her actions were NOT of the swinger way, and to stop calling, emailing, etc. It was pretty simple for me........out of respect for my love, my partner, my soon to be mate, I put a stop to it. Not because I was bowing to her wishes, per se, but because that is what this lifestyle is about.....having a level of respect above and beyond what is considered to be "normal".

IMHO...

Mr. Twofer

[JustAskJulie 2,595]

It sounds like you probably should stop seeing this couple. If you aren't comfortable with them, it's probably for the best. I do see red flags with the constant chatting (good night text messages?!) and their regular invitations to her alone when you have made it clear you only play as a couple.

[sexyshelby 19]

Stop seeing this couple. Take a break from swinging, work out the kinks in your relationship and then re-evalutate.

 

Good luck.

 

~SS

[xxhale 15]

danger ,danger will robinson ;that entire scene is all wrong they have crossed the line; when you asked the question you already knew the answer

[liza_bull 15]

i have to agree with the rest, you both need to talk with the other couple and break it off. then you and your wife need to talk about your lifestyle. good luck to both of you

[WonderWhat 166]

Ditto. Take a step back, and gently but firmly stop communicating with the couple. Yes, that means her too. If she doesn't understand that, there are probably deeper problems that need to be addressed.

[VanHlebar 187]

Hi folks, I just wanted to post an update on a few things. MrsVan and I spoke at length yesterday about both this situation and about me posting this here. She helped straighten a few things out for me that I had assumed or just plain misunderstood.

 

For starters, there was only on txt sent to say good night and it was done because I had come home early from work during busy season and she was concerned that the Husband may send an txt to her and didn't want us to be disturbed. She has always been open about the communication with the husband and for those that asked, yes the other wife did know about the communication between MrsVan and her husband.

 

MrsVan again stressed that there was nothing more than simple attraction to the husband at a playmate level and indicated that if I was uncomfortable with all the communication that she would stop until I became more comfortable with it.

 

I think we are at least headed in the right direction with this and at this point we are not ready to toss this thing out the window.

 

Since you mention "issues" with his wife, I think there is a double caution here. Whatever those issues are will reflect on how this situation should be handled and discussed with them.

 

Sorry LM, I was very vague here. My issues were performance issues and had nothing to do with me having issues with her. She is a wonderful woman and I don't have any issues with the wife.

 

Too many times in our society we are confronted with obstacles and give up quickly.

 

I agree completely and this is the very reason why MrsVan and I are not yet ready to toss this out. It is very hard to find 4 people that click the way we do and we think it is worth the effort to talk with them about this and make sure everyone is on the same page.

 

Again folks, it is greatly appreciated the advice each and every one of you gave me! This is why we keep coming back to the board. You might not like what you hear, but you will always get good, honest answers from this community.

 

Thanks,

-Van

[nottykupple 15]

I would still say break all communication for awhile. Similar situation happened to us but i dont want to go into detail.

[EvilMJ 65]

Just a note that I merged a previous thread from VanHlebar of the same subject together so all our answers are put together in one place. Hope no one is too confused.

 

EVIL MJ

[Guest MrsVan]

I have been wanting to respond to this thread earlier but have not had the chance to do so. I first want to say that I understand completely where MrVan is coming from and I understand the advise that all of you have given. But I also feel it is my turn to share my side of the story whether that makes a difference or not.

 

To start off with some history of my past experience, in my previous marriage when I first got married I had many guy friends and I communicated better with them than I did with the female friends. Because I had so many "guy friends" my ex husband did not like that at the time and forced me to end my friendships with all of my friends. Between the loss of friends and the abusive marriage, the person I was then went into hiding and was never found until MrVan and I got into the lifestyle. Since MrVan and I have been together, he has never seen this side of me before. MrVan has allowed me to be the person I was before my ex-husband and I love being that person. The person MrVan has allowed me to be is myself who I have not been able to be in a long time.

 

Now in regards to the couple and the other spouse. There is nothing more than a friendship. Is he attractive? Yes...Is he flattering? Yes...But I have all I could ever have with MrVan and would not jeopardize that in anyway. I am a flirtatious person and I tend to talk easier with the males than the females. So because I talk with him like I would any friend by chatting online, text messages and phone calls I do not feel as if I am doing anything wrong. If this type of communication is bothering MrVan and it is causing issues in our marriage, I have told him I would stop whatever part of the communication to assure him that I am not wanting more from this spouse. There is a friendship building between us all and the couple is just wonderful in many ways.

 

The conversations that we (me and the other spouse) have are some flirtatious, some just about life in general and about our spouses. As for MrVan’s comments about me contacting the other husband in the mornings and at night and chatting all day long, well that is not all the case. I log on in the mornings and when the other husband logs on he says “good morning” to me. We chat for a while and then he heads off to work. While he is at work he will log on here and there but not for long periods of time. In the evenings, I do not text him to say good night. I did this once because MrVan had come home early from the office sick and I had my phone in our bedroom and because he had not been on during the day I wanted him to know that we were going to bed so that he did not text and wake us up. There is nothing more that is building between the two of us as I have the man of my dreams.

 

I have told MrVan that if there is something that needs to change that I am more than willing to do so. I think a lot of our issue right now is that we have not been around each other due to him being in tax season and us just starting the lifestyle right before the tax season began. We have not had the chance to really connect with each other and I think that this week for us has been a great way to start to connect again.

 

Thank you all for your comments and I can say that the man of my dreams is MrVan and I plan on never doing anything to ruin what I have with MrVan.

 

 

Sorry for the long post but wanted to put my comments here as well. Although this was a tough post for me to read I appreciate the advise that everyone has given.

 

MrsVan

[TLO7777 15]

First I would just like to applaud both of you for your candour, your grace in handling all of the responses, and your shared love and commitment to one another.

 

MrsVan, I am so sorry to hear about the suffering you experienced in your prior marriage. Swinging aside, it must be incredibly liberating to finally have the opportunity to engage in friendships with other men now that you have a man by your side that truly cherishes you and wants you to be happy.

 

I hear your sincerity in being willing to curtail communication with this man should your husband request it, and I respect that immensely. One thing to consider though is this...

 

Your friendship with this man is not simply platonic, so the emotional stakes are raised considerably.

 

Your husband is clearly not comfortable with this type of ongoing contact and has said so in no uncertain terms. He is also reluctant to ask you to cut things off because he is obviously concerned about your own happiness and feels guilty about wanting you to do this.

 

I'm also sure that he does not in any way want to be associated with your prior abusive spouse wanting to isolate you from any male friends.

 

If my wife was uncomfortable with my communications with the female half of a couple we play with I would immediately cease this type of communication. My wife, her feelings, and the well being of our relationship comes first ALWAYS. After discussing things and trying to work it through, if she was still uncomfortable in ANY way, I would *never* put her in the position of having to ask me to stop. I would simply do that on my own out of my devotion and love for her.

 

There may not be anything "wrong" with your being friends with this man in your own experience, but this is clearly causing your husband distress. If you are as devoted as you say, then feed your friendship needs with men you aren't having sex with.

 

MrVan... I appreciate your not wanting to ask MrsVan to do this out of a care for her happiness and not wanting to be a possessive and jealous spouse. That said, you are quite clearly unhappy with this ongoing contact and in not calling a halt to it seem to be "taking one for the team".

 

Haven't you both agreed in swinging to only do those things which you are both comfortable with? Well your discomfort with this, for *whatever* cause, is reason enough to put on the brakes.

 

Yes this is outside the bedroom BUT it is directly related to a couple you are swinging with and therefore completely comes under the terms of the swinging "contract" between the two of you.

 

Yes, this involves a measure of sacrifice but there are plenty of other couples and friends to connect with out there in the world. Your marriage and inter-personal relationship always has to come first if you want to stay together and keep swinging happily.

 

Wishing you both nothing but love, happiness, and understanding together.

 

Dante

--

"YoungMauiCouple" at SLS

[JnCC 24]

Because I had so many "guy friends" my ex husband did not like that at the time and forced me to end my friendships with all of my friends.

That's the problem with marriage...most new spouses sort of "expect" you to give up your boyfriends/girlfriends.

 

Mrs Van, I'm not trying to be an armchair "Dr. Phil" here, but in reading your post, something caught my eye.

 

You were married before, but your reluctance to sever (or at least curtail) your friendships with your many "guy-friends" brought much strife into your marriage, eventually causing it to fail.

 

Now that you've re-married, you are again pursuing "friendships" with other men that your husband finds troubling. You say you'll "stop whatever part of the communication [that is troubling him]" but give no assurance that you'll end it completely, as so many in here have advised you both to do.

 

It's clear to me, from reading your posts, that you're developing an emotional attachment to this other man.

 

It's also clear to me from reading Mr Van's posts that he feels likewise, and is deeply troubled by it.

 

I believe you when you say that you're married to "the man of your dreams," but to quote the bald-headed Dean of Psycho-babble and home-spun witicisms...

 

...are YOU starting to see a pattern here?

 

 

"Those who will not learn from the past are doomed to repeat it"

 

George Santayana 1863-1952

Philosopher and poet

[Tybee Swing 286]

If my wife was uncomfortable with my communications with the female half of a couple we play with I would immediately cease this type of communication. My wife, her feelings, and the well being of our relationship comes first ALWAYS. After discussing things and trying to work it through, if she was still uncomfortable in ANY way, I would *never* put her in the position of having to ask me to stop. I would simply do that on my own out of my devotion and love for her.

 

This is the heart of the matter. I feel exactly the same way. Beautifully stated!

[JM153 346]

Mrs Van, I agree totally with TLO7777 and JnCC. If I were in Mr Van's situtation, I would be very uncomfortable asking you to quit. In addition to not wanting to repeat your prior history, I would feel it would be an admission that I didn't trust you and I would be concerned that you would resent my - in your mind, over reaction - to your innocent relationship with this other man. Therefore, if I was in this situation I would be very appreciative if Ms JM voluntarily ceased all communication except when the four of us were together. And if she couldn't do that - then we should stop playing with the couple because the question of emotional involment would be answered. Sometimes you just have to go "cold turkey." I, like all the others, wish you the best and am confident the four of you will work this out.

JM

[Swing*8701 887]

Edison here--Alright, men need to be men about this. The GUY knows what he's doing is inappropriate and he's getting a nice charge out of his infatuation. Regardless he knows what he's doing is inappropriate. He may be fantasizing about turning this into his fun little affair, which is not what the Lifestyle is about. So, either cut them off or you go to him and explain, nicely,"It's inappropriate to be text messaging, calling and emialing my wife and you need to stop it now." And not allow your self to be angry about matters or engage in a debate. If he's at all sensible, he will immediately say,"I understand," and stop.

[Sweet_Candy 54]

. So, either cut them off or you go to him and explain, nicely,"It's inappropriate to be text messaging, calling and emialing my wife and you need to stop it now." And not allow your self to be angry about matters or engage in a debate. If he's at all sensible, he will immediately say,"I understand," and stop.

 

 

I guess if he doesn't then you have your anwser. Decision time then.

[Merric 21]

Some guy was texting and or IMing my wife day and night then she asked me if she could have a private session with him hell yes I’d be worried. I mean it doesn’t take Sherlock Holmes to see something is wrong with this picture. Also one of my major questions is how does this other fellow’s wife feel about all the attention he is showing your wife. Have you talked to her about it? Doesn’t she feel as left out as you do? It seems to me while this fellow and your wife are playing in the field his wife and yourself have pretty much been left standing at the sidelines. Again I don’t think it takes a Detective to see something’s wrong with that picture. To me it seems once the lifestyle parties over it’s over. Or at least should be. That is unless the men want to get together for a night of bowling and the women for a movie or something. But what your wife and this guy have going here just isn’t right at all.

[SweetTXCouple 16]

When we first approached this idea last winter of swinging and all it involves, we discussed in advance certain rules that we pretty much figured out we would follow to the T. Well that all got blown away pretty darn quick. I should have noticed quicker that my husband and the other woman seemed to be the ones doing all the talking, IM'ing several times a day, and some of this involved alot of flirting. Now don't get me wrong, I am open to the thrill of flirting and the chase and all that implies, but when the balance is definately weighing on one side of the four-some than the other than things aren't fair. I never really had a chance to talk to the other guy much, his schedule never allowed much time, and I am the shy and reserved type and don't flirt well on IM. We became friends with this couple and would even go to their house for the weekend (with the kids) as friends. In the beginning my husband and I had discussed one of our rules with this other couple, no activity alone, only with the four of us present. Everyone seemed to say that they agreed that if that was a rule, then rules should be respected. I tried to also imput the no kissing rule (I just didnt want to do it, I have my opinions and I wanted to be respected for that). Well getting back to the husband and the other woman hitting it off better than myself and the other guy.........well this happened big time. My husband and her were always finding time to be in another part of the house, or it so happened that they would desire a smoke outside at the same time (how convenient). Meanwhile I was stuck inside, not talking to the other guy because he was busy doing something else, and watching our 3 kids while come to find out (this would come to light a few months later) my husband and the other woman were outside and they were kissing basically behind my back. Of course he now says he is sorry and he regrets his feelings getting the best of him. And we have also stopped being friends with this couple. See.....my short leash I had on my husband was apparently getting in the way of the other womans desires and since she and her husband had a much more open and lenient swinging lifestyle than we did and she could tell I was getting pissed, she called the friendship off and told my husband that I was not the friend that she thought I was. So, in hindsight, we can see that the four-some was obviously NOT even and was not fair to all involved (ME!) and we have not had another swinging experience since, I am a bit trepid and nervous of jumping into this again considering the first experience. I feel like I definately got the raw end of the deal on this one and my answer would be yes I would be concerned. Unfortunately this first and only experience might just be enough to make me rethink my desire to do this.

[Merric 21]

Wow I can see your point SweetTXCouple and am sorry things turned out so badly. But I don't really think you can judge everyone in the lifestyle like that. Even despite their troubles with their current lifestyle couple the Vans agree they both really, really like the couple as friends and playmates. So certainly there’s a couple out there you and your husband can both get along with. But I do suggest you overcome the symbolism of kissing. Even being a man I know at first I felt the same way you did. But then came to realize that’s all it is, a symbol. While the real love for you it signifies actually remains in the heart of your husband and not on his lips. And then realistically when approaching the act of sex whether it’s with you or someone else, your husband has to start somewhere with them doesn’t he? And yes the only real way to go about it is beginning with a kiss. And with time like I did, as you become more accustomed and understand that it’s just sex and not love your engaging in with these other couples I’m sure you’ll come to find it erotic seeing your husband kissing another woman. Knowing all along as you watch that the love he holds for you is locked safely in his heart, and again not his lips. While from I’ve read from you so far he understands this, and so no doubt will find it equally exciting watching you kiss the man you’re with. In any case I wish you and yours the best of luck and well wishes.

[sexcupid 809]

Ok, not to beat an almost dead thread....but I am going to jump to both Mr and Mrs Van's defense here.

 

I, like Mrs Van, seem to have always had an easier time of making friends with the guys. All through school...and god knows the jobs I've had for the last few years...you have to be able to build that rapport with your co-workers. In our building there were 7 females....around 50 men that work out of that office...and most of them we were in contact with on a constant basis. I worked as a dispatcher, all of our techs are men. You joke, get a little flirty, goofy, whatever. Sometimes, it's just easier dealing with men than women. JMHO on that.

 

But, like Mr Van, if someone was in regular communication with my SO...it would probably make me uncomfortable too. I'll bless Jeff's little heart that he is ok with one of my playmates sending me text messages (it kind of happens in cycles...he'll be quiet for weeks on end before sending a few, usually suggestive, messages), but I don't really correspond with him any other way. I mean, I trust Jeff....but I may not be able to keep that green-eyed monster from rearing it's head when my comfort zone is bumped up against.

 

Just wondering how did this situation turn out?

 

Maria

[VanHlebar 187]

Just wondering how did this situation turn out?

 

Maria

 

 

Well this actually turned out just fine. I think some of it could just be chalked upto both MrsVan and I being new to the LS. We are still in contact with this couple today, though we don't play with them anymore. They sort of got out of the LS for a time and are concentrating on their relationship.

 

-Van

[Merric 21]

Well Hell closure for us all at last, though I have to say for such a dire beginning it turned out rather anticlimactic. But I guess actually that's good since it didn't wind up with divorce or anything.