Decline in swinging with age - reasons why?

[Tybee Swing 286]

I just read this fascinating poll of the age of people in the lifestyle

 

The poll shows a gradual and steady increase in swinging, with the peak population in their mid-to-late 30's. After that, there is a gradual and very consistent, steady decline with age. This got me thinking about why the decline with age.

 

So, for the over-40 crowd:

 

Are they just tired of it and moving on to other things in their lives?

 

Are they not making the kinds of connections they want to anymore, either because they're not attracted to people their age, or people aren't attracted to them?

 

Are they feeling self-conscious of aging, such as skin and bodies that are not as firm any longer? In other words, is it just harder to get naked with people, than it was before?

 

Are there sexual dysfunction issues that cause them to get out of the Lifestyle - like erectile dysfunction for men or some loss of libido due to menopause for women?

 

What other reasons might they be getting out?

 

I'm just very, very curious as to the reasons why people leave the lifestyle after a certain age, and why the very steady decline in it. My hubby and I are age 45 and 46. That explains my interest in this topic.

 

To me, after 40 seems a great time to get into it, finally. No more babies and kids to raise, and finally, many people have an "empty nest" to play in! Not to mention all the free time they finally have, once the kids are gone. It seems like a prime time to not only continue, but even to start getting into the Lifestyle.

[Chip_n_Muffy 16]

Oh man! I am in my fifties and just got started a year ago. You are telling me it's all downhill from here?????? NOOOOOOOOO!

 

Oh well, it was fun while it lasted, I think I'll toddle off to my wheelchair and spend the rest of my life watching Springer and the Game Show channel.

 

Heh heh .........

 

Chip

[Tybee Swing 286]

LOL!!! We just started in our 40's about 1.5 years ago, after the "peak time" that the poll indicates statistically. Within another year or so, our nest should be officially empty, and we figured that's when the party is really gonna get started around here.

[singleagain 26]

I'm over 40 by 21 and it only gets better. I am a little more discreet than I was at 40 but I like to think that is wisdom, not a flacid penis.

[Pepper & Drew 384]

My theory is (and, this is coming from a 29 year old) that older people aren't as comfortable with their sexuality (generally speaking, of course!) as people who are a generation younger, and therefore, a lot of people are still thinking that wearing sexy outfits to bed, or having oral sex is daring. I think that those who grew up before the sexual revolution, and those who grew up during it may have a different view of right and wrong and what they would allow themselves to do. For example, my mother (who is in her early 60's) has never masturbated. I think as people grow up in a freer sexual environment, their ideas of what's possible (including swinging) will make the number of swingers rise.

 

But, I could be completely off base.....

 

Pepper

[Chip_n_Muffy 16]

Pepper, you are an absolute doll. I am 53 years old. I turned sixteen in 1968, the "Summer of Love." Those 60 year olds you are talking about were the originators of the sexual revolution. Dad told me once that every generation thinks it invented sex. I am sure my kids sincerely think I am WAY too old to have sex. Damn, do I have them fooled.

 

Chip

[TLO7777 15]

Keep in mind that this poll only represents the ages of the people that spend time on this forum.

 

If you look at statistics on age and internet usage you'll find a similar drop-off in the 40+ age group.

 

Lots of people on the older end of the curve are less comfortable with the idea of internet dating, and this would of course carry over to swinging as well.

 

Meanwhile many of this board's swing club reviews suggest a higher average age of couples in attendance than this poll does.

 

So, I think there are probably far more 40+ swingers in the actual lifestyle than are represented by this sample group.

[WesternSwing 504]

Well, if it is true that the 20 and 30 somethings are a little more liberal, then only time will tell if they slow down as they become 40 and 50 or they just keep going. We'll just have to wait and see.

 

Mr. WS

[fun4Ds 1,098]

we are in our 40,s and we seem to think we and the others in our age group think it is wonderfull we seem to have less drama and issues. we were thinking the 30,s and younger are the group that always have this or that excuse like they want to swing and call themselves swingers...but..

we're happy with our looks. and it opens alot for personalities. actually we are being hit on by a couple that are 29 and we were wondering... huumm.. so we asked, and their response was that they were not into the drama of people their age. they prefer someone older.

[TLO7777 15]

the 30,s and younger are the group that always have this or that excuse

 

Always?

 

Mighty broad strokes you're painting with that brush there.

[JnCC 24]

The poll shows a gradual and steady increase in swinging, with the peak population in their mid-to-late 30's. After that, there is a gradual and very consistent, steady decline with age. This got me thinking about why the decline with age.

A couple things;

 

1) Loss of libido - Hormonal changes start to bring about a decreased interest in sex. Many of the guys I know actually welcome this loss of interest, as we feel we've been slaves to what our dicks were telling us to do since we were 12 years old. We're kinda like an old dog who's happy to live out his days sitting on the porch, knowing that he no longer needs to chase EVERY car that comes down the street anymore...

 

2) Grandkids - I don't have any yet, but I've known many a fine, fun woman (and man) who gets a couple of 'em and loses all interest in sex, and anything else that doesn't have to do with them. I can't say I blame 'em...some of those kids are pretty cute and fun to be around. The notion of "having a friend they swing with" has a very different meaning to a pre-schooler.

 

3) Loss of overall appearance - Some people don't want to "put it all out there" unless "It" is lookin' good. It gets harder to maintain a lean, attractive body as one ages, although here in the midwest, that doesn't seem to be as big a deal as on the coasts. Being a former, card-carrying nudist, and reading up on the principles of "Tantric Sex" helps a little in that regard.

 

Two girls I went to high school with were having a phone conversation recently. One said to the other, "Did you think you'd ever have sex with a 50-year-old man?" to which she responded, "Did YOU ever think you'd have sex with a bald guy?"

 

I could have commented about some of the paradigm shifts I've had to go through in dating women their ages, but decided to let it pass...

 

There IS a bubble of "Last Gasp" swingers in their late-40's and early-50's, many of whom are celebrating the departure of the last kid to leave home, and the opportunity to explore some of the things they've fantasized about for years, before their looks and ability fail them completely. But by age 60, it's hard to find anybody who wants or needs more sex than they can get from the vibrating feature of their Barcalounger.

[curiousagain 326]

Ditto to the reasons JNCC gave and I might add that just as habituation is often given as the reason some begin swinging, it is also the reason some give it up or slow it down. After a while it's kind of a been there done that, feeling. Or, after having to almost go into the witness protection program to get a way from a couple of drama laden/clinging/controlling couples they get the "it's not worth the hassle" feeling.

 

Just as people begin swinging for a lot of varied reasons, they slow it down or stop it for a multitude of reasons.

[curiousagain 326]

I could have commented about some of the paradigm shifts I've had to go through in dating women their ages, but decided to let it pass...

 

Sound wisdom. As we get more experienced we find that one's tongue heals quicker from the biteing than some people's feelings heal from the truth.

[JnCC 24]

I might add that just as habituation is often given as the reason some begin swinging, it is also the reason some give it up or slow it down. After a while it's kind of a been there done that, feeling.

An EXCELLENT point! The first time at a club that I saw 2 women and one man exit a room, I just about creamed my undies! The fiftieth time I saw it, I probably yawned, and looked at my watch. It just wasn't that big a deal to me anymore.

 

Which leads me to thinking...it takes about 3-5 years for people to become "habituated" to each other, which is about how long many couples actively swing. I wonder if "habituation" with the lifestyle isn't as big an issue for swingers as it is for vanilla couples? If it is, then what follows swinging as a way of rekindling interest in one's sex life?

 

Now I need to go back and read all the posts where "swinging" has led to an affair, and see how long they'd been in the lifestyle when it all happened...

[DBL D 120]

I think it's because they've died with their boots on.

 

Sometimes they lose their mate.

 

Sometimes it is because of a loss of libido or their body shape slips. Heaven knows that that is not a problem with a lot of swingers nowadays because so many are of the large variety.

 

We all change as we go through life. I used to golf a LOT! Now I don't. Etc. Etc.

 

BTW, I'm 50 and have as large a sex drive as ever. I remember taking days off from work because my back hurt, but I'd go and play a softball game that night. Well by 5 I guess. Point is that nobody (the wife) could understand that and nobody really understands this either.

 

Lot's of reasons here and some actually make sense.

[Tybee Swing 286]

I'm over 40 by 21 and it only gets better.

 

Wow, something to look forward to!

[Tybee Swing 286]

My theory is (and, this is coming from a 29 year old) that older people aren't as comfortable with their sexuality (generally speaking, of course!) as people who are a generation younger

 

Thanks Pepper, I totally get the point of your post and in part, I agree with it. I have seen soooo many women my age just "lose it" - going to the ugly shoes, matronly clothes, helmet haircut, the whole middle-aged look almost overnight. It's as if somebody pulled the plug on their mojo and it all drained out of them! It's not just the look, it's the attitude, too. Some of them were prudes and always will be. Actually, thinking about it, I think these folks were always uncomfortable with their sexuality at any age. But, this is true in my personal experience in the vanilla circles, not in the swinging circles of women my age.

 

Now, for me? I've had ALL of the best sex of my life, the wildest and most free sex in every possible way, after the age of 39. I've been FAR more comfortable with my sexuality now, than I ever was before. I, like many women my age can tell you, had my own personal sexual revolution at this age. Even my orgasms have gotten much better after the age of 39. I had my first vaginal (not clitoral) orgasm at age 40, and now I have them regularly and frequently. Many studies will tell you - we women are reaching our sexual peak at this point. That's true for me!

 

If it works out this way for you, too, you've got a lot to look forward to.

[Tybee Swing 286]

Meanwhile many of this board's swing club reviews suggest a higher average age of couples in attendance than this poll does.

 

So, I think there are probably far more 40+ swingers in the actual lifestyle than are represented by this sample group.

 

Whew, that's a relief! We don't have swing clubs in our town, we've had to travel to get to them so we haven't been often. But, I noticed there that we seemed to be the median age in the clubs we visited (mid-40's), with plenty on the older end of that bell curve, too.

[Tybee Swing 286]

A couple things;

 

1) Loss of libido - Hormonal changes start to bring about a decreased interest in sex. Many of the guys I know actually welcome this loss of interest, as we feel we've been slaves to what our dicks were telling us to do since we were 12 years old. We're kinda like an old dog who's happy to live out his days sitting on the porch, knowing that he no longer needs to chase EVERY car that comes down the street anymore...

 

2) Grandkids - I don't have any yet, but I've known many a fine, fun woman (and man) who gets a couple of 'em and loses all interest in sex, and anything else that doesn't have to do with them. I can't say I blame 'em...some of those kids are pretty cute and fun to be around. The notion of "having a friend they swing with" has a very different meaning to a pre-schooler.

 

3) Loss of overall appearance - Some people don't want to "put it all out there" unless "It" is lookin' good. It gets harder to maintain a lean, attractive body as one ages, although here in the midwest, that doesn't seem to be as big a deal as on the coasts. Being a former, card-carrying nudist, and reading up on the principles of "Tantric Sex" helps a little in that regard.

 

Two girls I went to high school with were having a phone conversation recently. One said to the other, "Did you think you'd ever have sex with a 50-year-old man?" to which she responded, "Did YOU ever think you'd have sex with a bald guy?"

 

I could have commented about some of the paradigm shifts I've had to go through in dating women their ages, but decided to let it pass...

 

There IS a bubble of "Last Gasp" swingers in their late-40's and early-50's, many of whom are celebrating the departure of the last kid to leave home, and the opportunity to explore some of the things they've fantasized about for years, before their looks and ability fail them completely. But by age 60, it's hard to find anybody who wants or needs more sex than they can get from the vibrating feature of their Barcalounger.

 

You are HILARIOUS! I have to ask....how old are you? You should be a writer. Hey, save this....put it in a notebook. You might write a book one day about all of this, and personally, I'd buy it! LOL

[Tybee Swing 286]

Ditto to the reasons JNCC gave and I might add that just as habituation is often given as the reason some begin swinging, it is also the reason some give it up or slow it down. After a while it's kind of a been there done that, feeling. Or, after having to almost go into the witness protection program to get a way from a couple of drama laden/clinging/controlling couples they get the "it's not worth the hassle" feeling.

 

Just as people begin swinging for a lot of varied reasons, they slow it down or stop it for a multitude of reasons.

 

Thanks, curious. I wish that they gave exit interviews for these leavers of the lifestyle, so we could collect some real data on this! ;-)

[Tybee Swing 286]

Which leads me to thinking...it takes about 3-5 years for people to become "habituated" to each other, which is about how long many couples actively swing.

 

Really, most couples are out of this within 3 - 5 years of starting it? I'm surprised, I would have guessed much higher than that, at least for the couples who actually are enjoying it and have all their drama worked out, that is. Many jump right in unprepared and then jump right back out -- maybe they are skewing the stats for the "we're good with this" population.

 

Has anybody ever done a poll on that here?

[Pepper & Drew 384]

Pepper, you are an absolute doll. I am 53 years old. I turned sixteen in 1968, the "Summer of Love." Those 60 year olds you are talking about were the originators of the sexual revolution. Dad told me once that every generation thinks it invented sex. I am sure my kids sincerely think I am WAY to old to have sex. Damn, do I have them fooled.

 

Chip

 

Yes, there were hippies, but there were far more that had the upbringing potrayed in "American Graffiti" or "Happy Days" than those that were living in a commune in Haight Ashbury. My mom graduated high school in 1960 and I promise you, she was not part of the sexual revolution. Unless you grew up in one of the areas where there were a lot of change taking place, you weren't part of the revolution. South Alabama was not a hotbed of the hippie movement. Civil rights movement? Yes. Sexual freedom movement? I don't think so. It had only been 10 years earlier that the first pregnant woman was on TV ("I Love Lucy"). Doesn't sound like middle America was too sexually progressive to me.

 

There was still the stigma of being a "bad girl" and having sex outside of marriage still was not something nice girls did...even in the free-loving 60's. Hell, there's still talk of how groundbreaking "Sex in the City" was in the late 90's because women talked about having sex without (gasp!) love and commitment. So, it would be more difficult (in my mind) to go from being a nice girl, who'd only had sex with my husband to being a hotwife taking on 3 guys at a houseparty. Not saying that it couldn't or hasn't been done, just that it would be a bigger leap.

 

Please don't missunderstand. I don't think my generation invented sex. I just think my generation has the "Girls Gone Wild" images, and grew up watching videos that were basically T&A shows, and knew girls that got pregnant at 13 that make it seem a little easier to "go wild"....or, at least, easier to understand that being a "good girl" is highly, highly overrated.

 

Pepper

[JnCC 24]

You are HILARIOUS! I have to ask....how old are you?

Well...as my profile on another site says...I'm "at least 20 years past my 'Best if used by' date."

 

You should be a writer. Hey, save this....put it in a notebook. You might write a book one day about all of this, and personally, I'd buy it! LOL

A book about swinging, written by a single male? It would probably wind up on the discount shelf at Borders, right next to "My Perceptions of The Grand Canyon, by Helen Keller"

...most couples are out of this within 3 - 5 years of starting it? I'm surprised, I would have guessed much higher than that, at least for the couples who actually are enjoying it and have all their drama worked out, that is. Many jump right in unprepared and then jump right back out -- maybe they are skewing the stats for the "we're good with this" population.

 

Has anybody ever done a poll on that here?

Actually, I was discussing this in PM with another member of this board (maybe he'll jump in and contribute some more to this discussion?). We came to the conclusion that some people who swing are really excitement junkies. That is, having sex may be fun, but it eventually becomes blase', so they start to have wild sex with them. When that becomes blase', they get into swinging. Eventually, even that becomes blase', so they become cheaters. They don't do it because they're planning to leave their spouses, they do it because they need some novelty...some excitement...something forbidden...in their lives. When a person has become "habituated" to 3-somes, 4-somes, gang-bangs, or whatever, what's left to do for a thrill?

 

Meet somebody you've been chatting with on the computer at a motel or roadside stop, that's what.

 

Hey, you asked why they stop...and unfortunately, that's one of the reasons.

[HotMoCpl 20]

I'm not sure either, and we're in our early 50's. Here's one though. Like myself, more men are diagnosed with prostate cancer earlier then ever before. I am one of those, and I can only say that the diagnosis itself will change your life/lifestyle. Over all, even with nerve sparing surgery, there is a 65% chance a man won't get an erection on his own again. First try Viagra, then MUSE and may the gods in heaven forbid, penile implants. If I were to guess, this would affect 5-15% of lifestyle couples and single men.

 

As for the 29 year old! Hey, it was the "Boomer" generation that revived this lifestyle.

 

As for the others, its probably grandkids and too many trips to Florida for the winter.

[Tybee Swing 286]

We came to the conclusion that some people who swing are really excitement junkies. That is, having sex may be fun, but it eventually becomes blase', so they start to have wild sex with them. When that becomes blase', they get into swinging. Eventually, even that becomes blase', so they become cheaters. They don't do it because they're planning to leave their spouses, they do it because they need some novelty...some excitement...something forbidden...in their lives. When a person has become "habituated" to 3-somes, 4-somes, gang-bangs, or whatever, what's left to do for a thrill?

 

Meet somebody you've been chatting with on the computer at a motel or roadside stop, that's what.

 

Hey, you asked why they stop...and unfortunately, that's one of the reasons.

 

Wow, scary!! I sure hope that's not even remotely what's in store for us. I do wonder sometimes about if that "the thrill is over" thing will kick in and it will become blase'. I think not, because we aren't into it constantly, it's more occasional and it kind of fluctuates depending on our lives and schedules, etc. It's kind of renewed all over again (with us) when we re-start and/or new people come into the picture. After all, any new couple is a whole new discovery, right? Or, maybe I'm being the flaming optimist that I usually am. LOL

[Tybee Swing 286]

HotMo, I'm really sorry about your cancer. Are you still in the midst of dealing with it, or has it been resolved? I truly hope all the best for you.

 

Hey, it was the "Boomer" generation that revived this lifestyle.

 

So true!! We put the GRrr in swinger, baby, yeah!

[curiousagain 326]

I'll contribute. JNCC had made the comment about having to go back and think of the swinging couples he knew who broke up because of cheating to see how long they had been in the lifestyle. I thought back to the different times a swinging wife had asked me to meet her without her husband and of the ones I knew how long they had been swinging, they were all in that 3-5 year window. BFO (blinding flash of the obvious).

 

You know, people start, continue or stop swinging for a lot of different reasons and excitement or lack thereof is one of them. I have often said that successful couples tend to be couples who engage in high risk activity together. Now, that could be business ownership, motorcycling, swinging, base jumping, feeding sharks, whatever. They tend to be excitement, thrill or challenge junkies.

 

Now, what about unsuccessful couples? They may be excitement/thrill/challenge junkies too. They might be in swinging for the same reasons but not in it together. They are in it for what they personally, not they as a couple can get out of it

 

They get married or start living together, everything's exciting for a while, then the boredom sets in. Next thing you know, somebody's got a credit card at Victoria Secret's and that keeps things going for a while. Then they try dirty talking, role playing, etc. When the new wears off all of that, they try swinging. Then that becomes boring. What's left? Cheating!

 

Why would someone in a swinging/open relationship who can have sex with other people do it without an emotional component knowing it could destroy their primary relationship? If the cheater is honest when they say "it was just sex, there's no feelings there" then it had to be for the excitement, the cloak and dagger like secrecy, etc. It's a rush, a feeling of superiority (I did something and nobody knows) that they get off on.

 

disclaimer: I am not saying this is always the reason, just one of the reasons with some of these situations. tax and title separate, your milage may vary. For real advice please consult your local professional.

[Tybee Swing 286]

Thanks, I can see how some people would see cheating as their next step to thrill-zone, after having done swinging for some time. What's left after cheating for thrills? Maybe cheating on the one that you've been cheating with?

[curiousagain 326]

Thanks, I can see how some people would see cheating as their next step to thrill-zone, after having done swinging for some time. What's left after cheating for thrills? Maybe cheating on the one that you've been cheating with?

 

Probably.

[TLO7777 15]

Quote

When a person has become "habituated" to 3-somes, 4-somes, gang-bangs, or whatever, what's left to do for a thrill?

 

Eventually, even that becomes blase', so they become cheaters.

 

While I'm sure this can happen in rare cases when the couple truly wasn't very healthy to begin with, I think it's far from the common progression.

 

I think this is why you see hundreds of profiles from experienced swingers that emphasize their interest in developing a long term friendship with potential playmates.

 

After the initial variety wears off they find that the sex just gets better the more you get to know your partners. So an ongoing play relationship gets more fulfilling over time rather than less so.

 

And finally, my own experience is that no matter how many times you do "the same thing" there is always the opportunity to have it be fresh and exciting provided there's real chemistry there.

 

Every single person is different and every combination of people is unique!

 

Doesn't matter how many women I've kissed before... there's always something electric about that first kiss with a new person. Same holds true for every subsequent level of intimacy. Undressing, touching, tasting etc.

 

In my opinion, not being able to access that "thrill" over and over again represents a lack of intimacy skills.

[curiousagain 326]

I agree, it's not common, but it happens enough that you have to wonder why it does.

 

Working on your scenario, I think some quit because they give up finding that couple that they have chemistry with. And, there are some that say if you are only swinging with one couple over a long period of time, it's not swinging, it's polyamory.

 

Just saying there's a lot of reasons people quit at some point and IMHO all of these are some of them.

[JnCC 24]

Doesn't matter how many women I've kissed before... there's always something electric about that first kiss with a new person. Same holds true for every subsequent level of intimacy. Undressing, touching, tasting etc.

 

In my opinion, not being able to access that "thrill" over and over again represents a lack of intimacy skills.

I thought that was why couples were in the lifestyle in the first place...to experience the "thrill" of new or different lovers.

 

Are you saying that people who swing, do so because they suffer a "lack of intimacy skills?"

[SW_PA_Couple 4,024]

TLO7777 said:

Keep in mind that this poll only represents the ages of the people that spend time on this forum.

 

If you look at statistics on age and internet usage you'll find a similar drop-off in the 40+ age group.

 

You've hit the nail on the head. It certainly would be interesting to see the result of a truly scientific survey. Something like a Kinsey Report, maybe. JoAnn and I have noticed the preponderance of younger people at Web sites. But at the clubs, the 40s crowd seem to predominate. Same for private parties though we see many single women who are fifties and recently divorced.

[Tybee Swing 286]

TLO7777 said:

While I'm sure this can happen in rare cases when the couple truly wasn't very healthy to begin with, I think it's far from the common progression. .....

 

In my opinion, not being able to access that "thrill" over and over again represents a lack of intimacy skills.

 

Thank you for a very thoughtful post. I thought that described our feelings about being in the Lifestyle very well, I related to that.

 

Thanks!

[TLO7777 15]

JnCC said:

I thought that was why couples were in the lifestyle in the first place...to experience the "thrill" of new or different lovers.

 

Are you saying that people who swing, do so because they suffer a "lack of intimacy skills?"

 

Noooooooo... of course not!

 

I was referring to the earlier theory about people becoming de-sensitized to this thrill even with new lovers and moving on to cheating etc. to find it.