Wife upset because I lied about another woman touching me under the table

[longtyme 15]

We're kind of new to the lifestyle (2 swaps,2mfm's) we met a couple they came to our house we talked for hours,and we both liked them enough to meet them again the next weekend.....Well we met in a bar this time and the female started to touch me (the male) under the table. Grabbing at me and mine...Well after a few my wife noticed what was happening ! We were not at a regular hangout so we were not known...We all four were under the impression that this would probabally be "the" weekend..Well when she asked what was going on I said "Nonthing" (a lie) she was very angry..But not only the lie but the fact that the other female was even doing it. We then returned to our place and all played different rooms..The other female had issues and had made up a few lies about what we did...But under the table is whats in question..I know to lie was wrong...but was it wrong to get so angry about what was going on under the table....I mean wasent that what we were all there for...Or was it wrong because it was in public.The other couple this was their first experience. (no one seen anything) any type of advice or opinion will help a great deal THANKS ALL !!!

[Spoomonkey 421]

but was it wrong to get so angry about what was going on under the table...

 

Your wife has the right to get upset about whatever she wants to get upset about. You, then, have the responsibility to listen to her, find out why she is upset, and construct your boundaries accordingly.

 

It doesn't matter if this took place in public, in private or in Pittsburgh - if it bothers her it bothers her.

 

Now - the fact that you lied about it is a big deal. It shows her that she can't trust you - and whatever happens between you and your playmates is suspect. If, as you say, that is what you all were there for - why lie? We lie because we feel guilty about something - so why guilt? Obviously you recognized that there was something unacceptable about what was going on or you would have simply leaned over to your wife and whispered the truth.

 

Your wife has the right to expect that you are both in the lifestyle for each other - not for your playmates - and that you, as her husband, will respect her feelings and her comfort zones. That’s really not too much to ask, is it?

 

Spoomonkey

[sexyshelby 19]

Dito to Spoo!

 

If she is upset about anything, no matter how small you may think it is, you need to stop and discuss. And the lie...well, that shows me that you are not ready for swinging. You shouldn't have to lie to your wife about what you and your (potential) playmate are doing or are going to do. It gives your wife every right to be upset and to not trust you.

 

Take a step back and discuss the situation with your wife.

 

~SS

[Swingercast 91]

Concur.

 

Lying about playing especially while you are playing or working up to play is not a good idea.

[havefuninsun 122]

We met a fun couple last weekend. Us girls slid into booths first then our men sat opposite ... I played footsies with her husband and we rubbed each other's legs; it was clear Mr. Fun had his hands someplace else ... when we got in the car to take the party on the road, Mr. Fun asked me if I noticed them touching under the table ... and he described all the seduction that took place. It turned me on immensley.

 

So what's different? We set up rules/expectations with each other before we meet fun folks. We are obvious when we're flirting with fun folks. We don't hide anything from each other. We tell each other exactly what did/is going on. We also play in the same room.

 

Lying is a direct path to her insecurities. Not understanding the play rules sucks too. Unfortunately, you guys had a lot of things stacked against this being a fun play date.

 

ENSURE your wife always feels secure ... nothing is worse than a woman's "spider senses" going off ;-)

[dayhiker 83]

When I read your post it sounded like you responded with lying because your still thinking the way non swingers would respond. Our whole life has been to not tell about those type of things.

Next time pick a point eary in the activity to intentionally tell your spouse about what you have been doing and what has been done to you. Start to develop a new way of communicating.

Hope that helps,

dayhiker

 

We all four were under the impression that this would

probabally be "the" weekend..Well when she asked what was going on I said "Nonthing" (a lie) she was very angry..

[sereneiders 263]

When I read your post it sounded like you responded with lying because your still thinking the way non swingers would respond. Our whole life has been to not tell about those type of things.

Next time pick a point eary in the activity to intentionally tell your spouse about what you have been doing and what has been done to you. Start to develop a new way of communicating.

Hope that helps,

dayhiker

 

I agree. You're both new at this, you will face scenarios you didn't toguht about before, nor have rule sets beforehand.

 

You pick the wrong approach when lying (perhaps you could make a joke about what was going on, to break the ice and deprive it frm any drama "it seems she lost a shoe and she want one of mines to replace hers"), and even when your wife have the right to get upset for whatever she feels upsetting, it'd be good for her to know there will be more unexpected things she'll face sooner or later, and it doesn't worth to feel bad about it, instead to learn and set rules to prevent odd things to happen again.

 

So, you were wrong, but it shouldn't be such a big deal. If it is, then you'd have to stop swinging for a while, talk about your fears and boundaries, get to know each other confort and trust levels, and learn to pay attention to each other as to prevent something like this to happen again.

 

Also, you two may think of developing a sign language to communicate to each other without anyone else noticing, for example, we have a sign to make when something is bothering us, as for the other to know it's mandatory to call off whatever is going on.

[intuition897 2,179]

Great advice and insight from everyone. Yup, you screwed up. I don't blame your wife for getting angry; I would be, too. It's not the fact that you were getting felt up, it's the fact that you lied about it. Then went on to actually play with this couple without resolving this anger (I'm assuming?), even going in to separate rooms, where your wife's suspicions would be allowed to take root and grow like a bad weed, and then lied again about what actually took place with this other woman!

 

Yeah, this whole situation is a total write-off. Apologize to your wife, admit that you screwed up, and explain why it happened in the first place. Ask her to forgive you. Now drop it, and move on. You're both new at this. It's a contact sport, and you're going to get a few bumps and bruises like this. It's not a matter of IF you get hurt, but WHEN. Whether or not you'll become successful swingers depends on how you handle situations just like this one. So just learn from it, make the changes and let it go. Life's just too short to be angry at each other over our own silliness.

[confunktion 20]

Agreed with all above. Be open, be honest, and be current.

 

We met a fun couple last weekend. Us girls slid into booths first then our men sat opposite ... I played footsies with her husband and we rubbed each other's legs; it was clear Mr. Fun had his hands someplace else ... when we got in the car to take the party on the road, Mr. Fun asked me if I noticed them touching under the table ... and he described all the seduction that took place. It turned me on immensley.

 

So what's different? We set up rules/expectations with each other before we meet fun folks. We are obvious when we're flirting with fun folks. We don't hide anything from each other. We tell each other exactly what did/is going on. We also play in the same room.

 

Lying is a direct path to her insecurities. Not understanding the play rules sucks too. Unfortunately, you guys had a lot of things stacked against this being a fun play date.

 

ENSURE your wife always feels secure ... nothing is worse than a woman's "spider senses" going off ;-)

The experience that havefuninsun describes is one that me and the Mrs. love to have as much as possible. We are both under the table fans when it comes to seduction (footsie is my weak spot... Surrender ), but we've cleared it together, so there's no misunderstanding or restrictions. Learn from this experience, move on, clear the mistakes from your repetoir, and you both can experience the growing lust as everyone gets turned on with that naughty, naughty action.

 

P.S. To my Monkey Brother - it DOES matter if it happens in Pittsburgh. Now, Philly, not so much, but Pittsburgh, yes.

 

Mr. Funk

I need to get a room wherever havefuninsun is.

[lovedoctor 15]

I would expect this kind of flirty behavior from a couple we were thinking about having sex with! But I would also expect honesty from my partner, if I were your wife.

 

You need to sit her down, gently ~after profuse apologies ~ and see why she was so concerned about your flirting and touching. If it was just your response to her question that made her upset, then agree to tell her the truth and be really open and honest; rebuild that trust. But if she was upset about the flirting, is she really ready to swing???

[Additude 457]

What was it that upset your wife? Or why did the other lady playing touchy - feely with you under the table upset your wife?

 

You must have lied because you instantly recognized your wife had a problem with the other ladies intentions and you wanted to subdue the situation. This type of situational lying is a common fault among Husbands and Boyfriends.

 

Trust me, your wife didn't ask the question because she was ignorant. She knew exactly what was going on and asked merely to voice her displeasure at the situation. That meaning was she didn't appreciate the other lady touching you in that manner....ummmm, at that time....

 

Should we assume that if you had responded instead, "Well dear, she is using her hand to play with my leg and is also squeezing my privates" that a different responce from your wife would have ensued? I doubt not. The outcome would have been the same had you lied or not. So, don't lie if you don't have to. Know when not to lie.

 

Is your wife upset with you or with the other lady? What were you to do? Tell the other lady that her behavior was innappropriate considering the locality and that you would appreciate her refraining from such actions until later in the evening?

 

Were you to reach for her hand and gently move it away?

 

What were you to do and what kind of message were you to send by what ever you chose to do?

 

What I think is your wife needs to get over it. She and you both knew what you were both doing there at the time and what the intention was. There were no secrets about that.

 

In this case I disagree with the rule;"anyone can get upset over anything they want to and then we all have to play their game". Remember, as rational adults we can all choose not to get upset as well as to get upset.

 

Find out what bothered your wife and let her tell her side, then tell her your side. If you can't agree on it then at least you both know each others thoughts and then chalk it up to experience.

 

Do I understand that the other lady played touchie-feely with you, which by the way upset your wife, then both you couples went back to your place and then you and your wife had sex with the other couple in seperate rooms?

 

Having sex in different rooms didn't appear to be a problem, but the other lady simply touching you under the table was?

 

I don't get it....that doesn't make rational or reasonable sense.

[EvilMJ 65]

I can understand why your wife was mad. There is a difference from going in and totally expecting certain behavior becuase you agreed upon it, and knowing something is going on without anyone asking if you were okay with it. Then to make it worse you both lie to her about it.

 

Sorry but if I can't trust my husband or the couple we are going to play with to be honest about it, then it just isn't going to happen.

 

There is absolutely nothing wrong with flirting and under the table play, but only if you are upfront about it. Next time you wife asks you about something tell her the truth, if she feels that she can trust you, then perhaps things like this will become less of an issue becuase she knows that you care about her enough not to lie to her.

 

Lesson learned, now I think you can use this as a good point for discussion about rules and what you are comfortable with. We all make mistakes, the important thing is to learn from them.

[sereneiders 263]

As I read Attitude post (which by the way hits several nails here), I was thinking of something my wife and I agreed before starting swinging, from an advice we got by an experienced couple, and this is, that we're both in the same boat and we have a shared responsability, whatever happens.

 

If you found yourself in a situation you tought it would be ok for your wife, just to find out you were wrong because your wife get upset (besides the weak way you found out to get rid of what was happening), you can look and this as your own fault (the way you wife seems to be looking at it), or as a shared fault, since it'd be your wife repsonsability to let you know beforehand abouth the behaviors she'd feel off limits and she's aware of by then. If she knew beforehand what happend would upset her, then it's her responsability to make you aware if this, and give you the chance to KNOW what's the right thing to do, and if she wasn't aware that something like this would upset her, then you shared this "lesson" able to let you know each other.

 

You don't have a crystal ball. Even when we may like to believe we's know our spouses like the palm of our hand, such a belief is a romantic wishfull think without too much grounds on reality. The fact is, we don't know our spouses the way we think we do, never. What both of you did was a consecuence of expecting something different from each other, and this expectation that proved to be wrong came from the naive supposition that you two knew each other better than what you actually knew.

 

Assuming that you both DON'T KNOW each other well enough when engaging in swinging, and that swinging will be a learning proccess about each other tastes, feelings, fears and limits would be a wise measure, able to give you time to breathe and talk about the odd things without killing each other in the proccess.

 

As for the advice we got and took, it is to make a commitment about the way we'll deal with oddities: if something goes wrong and hurts any of us, we will share the responsability from what happend, we'd learn from this, we may not engage in the same activity anymore, but never, ever, we'd use what happend as an argument in any discussion or fight we may have in the future. And I feel this commitment, and the certainity that we both will be able to honor it, is a mandatory requirement for us to swing.

 

You both have to build up preventive measures to protect your relationship, because this sort of things WILL happen again, because there are even worst things that may happen and you will have to deal with them without tearing appart your relationship. If you cannot face it, if you cannot build these preventives measures and have a high degree of confidence that they will work, then, swinging isn't for you.

[Alura 2,775]

Well, it's too bad your wife got upset and lying to her was a really bad idea. It could have been a very positive experience.

 

Mrs. Alura and I have loved playing under the table with our playmates. In fact, I remember an evening when, after dinner in a nice but dimly lit restaurant, Mrs. Alura kept giving me impish little smiles. It was obvious to me that her hand wasn't in her lap.

 

She motioned for me and the other lady (who was seated beside me) to lean forward. When we did, she said just above a whisper, "I have a rather anxious cock in my hand, Darling, and I'm just dying to suck it."

 

"Could we all go sit in your van for awhile, Linda?" she asked with a warm smile.

 

The van was one of those full-size ones with tinted windows, plush chairs, ... but that's another story not needed here.

 

Mr. Alura

[LOL_OMG 130]

... but that's another story not needed here.

 

Mr. Alura

 

I NEED! I NEED!

 

Mrs.

[intuition897 2,179]

She motioned for me and the other lady (who was seated beside me) to lean forward. When we did, she said just above a whisper, "I have a rather anxious cock in my hand, Darling, and I'm just dying to suck it."

Mr. Alura

 

Oh Alura, that is just way too charming! LOL I'm having fun trying to envision Mrs. Alura doing this in her best "cocktail conversation" tone...and I'm guessing it was pretty priceless.

[collegelady911 15]

As the wife I wouldn't have been mad. We had our first swing with a couple of friends of ours, got hooked and can't wait to meet another couple or go to our first swing party. But, I would have expected play because that is what we went there for. When she asked you that question and had the "angry tone", you could have said, "Please excuse us for a second",to the couple, taken your wife somewhere fairly private and asked her what was upsetting her.

 

I know when I get a certain tone with my husband (guys - you know the tone, the "You fucked up and I'm going to make sure you know it" tone, he has been known to respond defensively, especially when we had agreed on the situation beforehand and then I send totally unexpected signals or have unexpected reactions, during the situation, which of course has actually happened, since I am a passionate woman who sometimes (abeit very rarely) acts like a total Bitch, momentarily of course, (and yes) he has actually lied to save his ass, even if he knows he hasn't done anything wrong. But he let's me know about it eventually.

 

How does one partner react when the other reacts unexpectedly, communicate! If you talked about it beforehand but hadn't ever done it, she maybe thought she could handle it but wasn't prepared for what "it" actually boiled down to, she possibly wasn't as ready for the swinging lifestyle as she thought she would be.

 

How has she been since? Did you talk about what had upset her and what her expectations are as far as swinging. I know what I would say to my husband if he got angry in a swing situation if someone was playing under the table, I would say "he's/she's getting a jump start on what we came here for, should we go somewhere private", smile, wink and blow him a kiss. Hope this helps!

[collegelady911 15]

Sorry that second paragraph is the longest run on sentence in the history of the world.

[lovedoctor 15]

Sorry that second paragraph is the longest run on sentence in the history of the world.

 

I think Faulkner has you beat in "The Sound and The Fury...."

[Alura 2,775]

Let's avoid criticism of spelling, sentence structure and writing style, friends. We're not here to improve our writing skills.

 

Mr. Alura

[robel12550 31]

I think Faulkner has you beat in "The Sound and The Fury...."

 

I'm insulted! I'm sure I hold the record for the longest run on sentence. In fact, I'm submitting to Guinness tonight! (Or is that drinking Guinness?)

[sereneiders 263]

I'm insulted! I'm sure I hold the record for the longest run on sentence. In fact, I'm submitting to Guinness tonight! (Or is that drinking Guinness?)

 

Nah... I am able to challenge you (well, not with THIS sentence, of course).

[Alura 2,775]

Sorry about the above chastisement on criticism. Only later did I realize College Lady was "criticising" herself. I'll have to be more attentive.

 

I'd feel woefully inadequate to challenge Faulkner on run-on sentences, however. He's the king!

 

Mr. Alura

[couplewanting50 65]

We're kind of new to the lifestyle (2 swaps,2mfm's) we met a couple they came to our house we talked for hours,and we both liked them enough to meet them again the next weekend.....Well we met in a bar this time and the female started to touch me (the male) under the table. Grabbing at me and mine...Well after a few my wife noticed what was happening ! We were not at a regular hangout so we were not known...We all four were under the impression that this would probabally be "the" weekend..Well when she asked what was going on I said "Nonthing" (a lie) she was very angry..But not only the lie but the fact that the other female was even doing it. We then returned to our place and all played different rooms..The other female had issues and had made up a few lies about what we did...But under the table is whats in question..I know to lie was wrong...but was it wrong to get so angry about what was going on under the table....I mean wasent that what we were all there for...Or was it wrong because it was in public.The other couple this was their first experience. (no one seen anything) any type of advice or opinion will help a great deal THANKS ALL !!!

 

Given that you are, as you say, in the lifestyle, even having swapped and had MFM's, I am surprised at these events. I am surprised at how it could be possible that another woman tugging at your weenie under a table is anything at all.

 

Putting my self in that situation, my wife would have asked me what the other woman was doing and I would have happily told my wife that she was playing with my cock. My wife would have enjoyed that. So..... why not tell your wife?

 

Also, why would your wife be upset if some other woman is playing with your cock in a bar, under the table? You are in the lifestyle, and you have swapped. I don't understand why that would bother her.

 

Can she explain that? Can you explain not just telling her? It seems pretty tame.

[sereneiders 263]

Given that you are, as you say, in the lifestyle, even having swapped and had MFM's, I am surprised at these events. I am surprised at how it could be possible that another woman tugging at your weenie under a table is anything at all.

 

Putting my self in that situation, my wife would have asked me what the other woman was doing and I would have happily told my wife that she was playing with my cock. My wife would have enjoyed that. So..... why not tell your wife?

 

Also, why would your wife be upset if some other woman is playing with your cock in a bar, under the table? You are in the lifestyle, and you have swapped. I don't understand why that would bother her.

 

Can she explain that? Can you explain not just telling her? It seems pretty tame.

 

I didn't knew you had "The Lifestyle Handbook", nor that everyone else, to deserve to be in "the lifestyle", should play by that book rules.

 

I'd appreciate you to tell me where to get a copy for myself

 

Anyway, I guess that, upon that book, these people mistakenly said they're in the lifestyle, so let suppose they doesn't deserve to be called "swingers", aniway they're having a problem. It may sound tame for us, being beyond this sort of problems (well, I don't know if we're lifestylers either, I need the book for that), but it seems to me for them it was a serious issue, enough to ask for an advice, and ridiculizing the problem certainly wouldn't help them.

 

Perhaps we should suggest them to look for advice somewhere else, perhaps in the "Not So Swingers Board"?