I want my wife to have sex with another man but I keep getting cold feet

[Sweetsexy 15]

I've been wanting my wife to sleep with one of my friends that she finds attractive, at first she wouldn't go for it but eventually said she would do it. The problem is that I'm the one who got cold feet about the situation, I ended up telling her that it was a bad idea. I simply don't know how I would feel after the sex took place. I'm afraid I'll get all jealous and things will go down hill. I keep coming back to the fact that I really want this but than I don't want it. I'm confused. I think I may have let my wife down also, she got really horny about it and than I told her no and I feel like I let her down. She was starting to look forward to it a lot. What should I do?? It always crosses my mind.

[lukeaduke20 15]

My wife and i recently had an MFM threesome with a friend of mine that lives in PA (we are in MD) so it didnt make things too wierd. There was about 6-8 months of discussion before it took place and a lot of scenarios were proposed and comfort levels were established. Now there did seem to be a great deal of unknowns as you sited (how would it be afterwards) but everything in our situation just worked out. The main thing that ran through my head was will we ever be able to have 1 on 1 again or would i need to call for back up.. there is an amazing amount of attention satisfaction that the female half gets during the whole expirence, you just have to make sure she knows where home is after its all said and done! You will know when the time is right just dont give her the on again off again head trip its not fair to her!. Good luck ITS AWESOME!

[Sweetsexy 15]

Thanks for the response. I just don't know when I'll be ready to let her do this. So how do I know when to bring it up again without disappointing her?? She also said that If she did it, she wants to do it alone first cause of performace anxiety?? Is this normal if you trust the male half??? I trust him, and I think she will enjoy him, he's experienced. I just don't know if I'm ready. All I know is that it's a huge fantasy for me and I keep coming back to it. Should I let them do a Full swap the first time if she's ok with it?? How far would you let your wife go if you were in my shoes???

[lukeaduke20 15]

it seems like performance anxiety may be a common response for women but we never discussed the posibility of 1 on 1. That leans more tward the creating side in my opinion. it is up to you and has to be discussed BEFORE it takes place. Let her go as far as you both feel comfortable with.

[intuition897 2,179]

I've been wanting my wife to sleep with one of my friends that she finds attractive, at first she wouldn't go for it but eventually said she would do it. The problem is that I'm the one who got cold feet about the situation, I ended up telling her that it was a bad idea. I simply don't know how I would feel after the sex took place. I'm afraid I'll get all jealous and things will go down hill. I keep coming back to the fact that I really want this but than I dont want it. I'm confused. I think i may have let my wife down also, she got really horny about it and than I told her no and I feel like I let her down. She was starting to look forward to it alot. What should I do?? It always crosses my mind.

First try checking out getting started in the FAQ section. This can give you a good idea about the basics of swinging and what your ideal mentality should be going into it. There are a few things you'll find before long on the board here, and one piece of advice is often for caution against playing with friends or coworkers. It can really complicate things.

 

One thing I'm seeing so far is that perhaps your motivation is all wrong. Who are you doing this for? For her pleasure? Or yours? In order to really make this work, you need to understand that you can't say "You can have fun...but not TOO much fun!" It's unfair and unrealistic. You need to allow your wife to act freely and trust her to not do anything hurtful...or don't bother with it at all. Good luck!

[intuition897 2,179]

Thanks for the response. I just don't know when I'll be ready to let her do this. So how do I know when to bring it up again without disappointing her?? She also said that If she did it, she wants to do it alone first cause of performace anxiety?? Is this normal if you trust the male half??? I trust him, and I think she will enjoy him, he's experienced.

I would NOT recommend her going solo. It's not the man you should worry about trusting; it's your wife. The other man's intentions mean nothing, but the fact that your wife feels she must hide herself from you (while exposing this part of herself to someone else), means that the red flags you're seeing are very real indeed. If it makes her that uncomfortable, she shouldn't be doing it!

 

I just don't know if I'm ready. All I know is that it's a huge fantasy for me and I keep coming back to it. Should I let them do a Full swap the first time if she's ok with it?? How far would you let your wife go if you were in my shoes???

Does it really matter how far we'd let our spouses go? Personally, I'd let my husband do as he pleases. His happiness is my happiness. As long as he's enjoying himself in a healthy way, I'm all for it! But I'm not you. If you're uncomfortable with the idea of someone other guy putting his penis in your wife's vagina (or any other orifice for that matter) you'd better say so now and figure out the root cause for it...before your wife misunderstands you and goes ahead with it anyway. Or at the very least, get's really pissed off with the frequent stop & go routine. You two will need to do some serious talking. You'll need to determine specifically what it is that makes you uncomfortable. Give it very specific names; you can't just call it jealousy. Is it anger? abandonnment? embarrassment? shame? disgust? arousal? loneliness? Then keep asking "Why?" Why do you feel disgusted? Why do you feel abandonned? etc. When you get your answer there, ask "Why?" again. Peel the onion. And if it isn't scary or uncomfortable, you're not digging deep enough. Get connected with each other before you do this...seriously. You can't swing without doing this, and it can only help.

[Sweetsexy 15]

Well first off thanks for all the advice you guys have been able to provide. It does help. Well the story that you posted was awesome. It is something I think I would eventually like to do. Well the reason all this even came up was because of me, I brought this up to my wife and she eventually agreed to it. So this was for me not for her. But at the same time she would be getting something in return which she liked very much(cock)!!! We think this lifestyle could be good for us. I think that I would be a little jealous but not crazy jealous. Keep in mind I have never seen my wife with anyone before, so it will take some getting used to. I mean I'm the one who thought this idea up, i think I'm just nervous, I don't know what it will feel like afterwards. Now my wife had said the reason she wouldn't want me to be there was simply because she doesn't think she would be able to come out of her shell if I'm watching. She thinks the first time with someone else will be hard if I'm just sitting there watching. She doesn't think the sexual experience for her or my buddy will be of the quality that she can really provide. She says she would have trouble sucking cock, moaning, screaming, letting him blow his load in her, if I was there. She says that she wants to fuck his brains out but doesn't know if she could live up to his expectations if I'm around. But she said if I had to be there she would go ahead with it. She's not insisting that i'm there, she just doesn't recommend it. It's really just me who is nervous, she is to but not to nervous to not go through with it. When will I find out if I'm ready for this??? I trust her very much. Please give your insight.

[Swing*8701 887]

Susan here--simply stated: Be there, encourage and validate her experience and watch her let go and fuck like crazy. Your positive approval, not voyeuristic silence, might just be the icebreaker that takes her far beyond her having sex without you there.

[Sweetsexy 15]

Is letting her f*** an ex-coworker who's still my buddy going to far??? She really wants to do this guy but if we had to find someone else we would.

[Sweetsexy 15]

I'm sure once she has his cock in her she'll forget about me sitting there watching. Do you think that letting her go all the way the first time would be a bad thing. I'm the one who has suggested it??? Or should I tell her to just do oral first. Do you think I would feel weird if I saw her getting slammed by this guy on the first meeting??

[WesternSwing 504]

Sweetsexy,

 

Swinging is something you do with each other for each other. Many do play solo but that is usually more experienced couples who've become comfortable with the very issue you are having now.

 

If your wife feels she can't "let loose" with you around, then there is already a big red flag flying. Mrs. WS tells people time and again that I'm her safety net, that it's because I'm there and I'm okay with it that she has the most fun. It's putting on a show for me. But she was scared in the beginning to. In fact she didn't orgasm with her partners for the first several times we swung because whe was afraid if she did it would hurt my feelings. What hurt my feelings was she wasn't having as good a time as she should have been. When we discussed this fact she was able to trust it wouldn't hurt me and now she has a great time knowing I love to watch her cum. She is my favorite porn star.

 

But it sounds to me like right now you need to discuss more why you want this to happen. Get to the root of it. Like Intuition says, you need to keep asking why to each answer to get to the bottom of your desire. I would say you are both entering this from the wrong direction. You are both not on the same page to begin with about it happening at all, and then not in the same chapter about how it is to happen. You have allot of thinking and talking to do.

 

My recommendation if you still want to go through with this is to arrange it as a threesome where you play the leading roll and the other guy is there as a stunt cock. A threesome is more fun when all three are involved. Besides, every woman should experience the feeling of being worshiped by two men at least once... And from a husband's standpoint, it's fantastic to see her having that much fun!

 

So figure out why you really want this to happen and then agree on how it is going to happen. And your for first experience I would in no way suggest she plays solo. The mind can imagine some pretty weird stuff when you are sitting at home alone waiting for her to return. If you think seeing her might make you jealous, not seeing what is going on will drive you stark raving mad.

 

Mrs. WS does play solo on occasion (like at a house party last night for instance ) and I love it. But, we've played together so much that I know what is going on in that room even if I'm not there. Right now, you don't havd any idea what is going to happen in the first place, much less if she went solo.

 

Take my advice: play only together to begin with, get over the issues of possible jealousy on your part and her not being able to perform in front of you then move forward if you are comfortable with it.

 

Mr. WS

[sexyshelby 19]

Given all your questions about this, you seem rather unsure of the situation. To me, it doesn't seem like you are ready to handle letting your wife have sex with another man.

 

I think you need to talk to your wife about how this will change your marriage. Maybe you two should spend some time reading around the board together. It may help you each to understand each other and it will definitely start some good conversation between you two.

 

Good luck.

 

~SS

[Sweetsexy 15]

Thanks, the info was great. Well I'm not to crazy about playing along just yet, I came into this with the fantasy of having my wife get f***** by another man. Eventually I think I would like to get involved, but not just yet. As far as having her f*** him alone is now out of the question, atleast for now. I'm so totally going to tell her that it's a absolute no if she wants to f*** him without me there. We do have a lot to talk about still , but thats what I initially wanted from this. Hopefully it will work out

[Sweetsexy 15]

Here's another question. I know we are not even close to this but how do I tell my friend that My wife wants his d***. I mean I'm pretty sure he'll want to do her, shes gorgeous, but HOW do I bring that up to him??? I think that would be the most nerve racking thing I've done in a long time

[intuition897 2,179]

I think you should start listening more to your own conscience than to what we have to say. We can't tell you what is best for the both of you. Only you two know that. But you absolutely MUST approach it as a team.

 

And lay off the porn. If your wife continues to screw some guy after you've explicitly asked her to stop (because she can't read your mind) it means too focused on herself, and not focused enough on you. And if you suspect that is likely to happen, then you shouldn't be swinging. You need to be able to enjoy yourself without needing to shut your partner out.

[Sweetsexy 15]

Trust me, we are going to definetely talk about this and approach this like a team. My wife isn't really doing anything to piss me off about the whole subject, she simply thought it would be better if she fu*ked him without me there the first time. She wants to be able to let go and pleasure him properly, we've never done this before and she doens't know how to react and neither do I. Thats why I am asking you for advice. She has never treated me like she just wants to sleep with him and totally forget about my feelings. We have discussed this alot a while back but like I said for some reason, I'm not even sure of I got scared. I think there are only nerves on my side but not hers, I'm not sure why. Maybe you can help me understand my feelings, cause I would love to see my wife with him and I'm sure she would love to be with him, but we are not rushing. I'll take the advice that was given and try to understand it.

[DBL D 120]

sweetsexy...you are putting the cart WAY before the ox but at least you are talking about it. I see what you are saying about her saying she can't let go "properly". If she is hot for a guy who is friends of yours and she can see him around and wants to spend time alone with him, well, it just seems like things should be different. Like intuition897 said, peel the onion...get down to basics. Make yourself squirm, if neccessary. It's important that you both say what you are looking for and come to an agreement that you both can live with.

 

Male D

[Sweetsexy 15]

So please tell me. How do I seperate sex and love??? This seems to be the big issue of why I can't swing with out feeling jealous. How did you guys do it???

[DBL D 120]

Maybe part of it is inate ability. It just goes with the lifestyle. You HAVE to learn...or nothing is fun. Try to see your partners as the human beings they are. Relate to them. Let your SO go. Be ready for anything and look forward to it.

 

Male D

[Sweetsexy 15]

I want to think that way but how do you get there first?? I mean how do you make a fantasy of seeing your wife being fu**** by another man reality? I mean how do you get to that point?? How do you know when it's right???

[Darter02 15]

Given all your questions about this, you seem rather unsure of the situation. To me, it doesn't seem like you are ready to handle letting your wife have sex with another man.

 

I think you need to talk to your wife about how this will change your marriage. Maybe you two should spend some time reading around the board together. It may help you each to understand each other and it will definitely start some good conversation between you two.

 

Good luck.

 

~SS

 

I agree with this completely.

[twohots4u2 188]

We have two concerns: 1. We feel that her swinging with a male friend separate from you is dangerous to your relationship and marriage. 2. Far better is to swing together, where you start foreplay and invite him to join, you both get her real hot together, and then he fucks her while she sucks you or both of you are 69.

 

Yes, it is best if you invite your friend to join you in pleasuring her. Key concept is, "join you in pleasuring her." That makes it a couple thing, not a singles thing between you and your wife.

[Mike and Jan 20]

You don't know if 'he's' willing yet?

 

OK, first of all no more changing your mind. Totally unfair to her. Emotional roller-coasters are pure hell!

 

Find a good time to talk to her about how you just got cold feet before and assure her you won't do it again.

 

Agree that you two are going to try this once, for sure, and maybe more if you both agree to more.

 

As far as your friend goes (and I personally don't think a current close friend is the best candidate) seduce him together. Go slow and drop hints and inuendos and let her flirt with him a little. Then you might share a threesome story with him. There are some on this site that would work. Don't share the site just now but copy/paste a story and tell him it made you hot and ask if he thinks you're weird. This will leave you an out if he's not that type. If he says he thinks it's hot too and doesn't think you're weird at all then you're on your way. But make absolutely certain that he understands that he's the third.

 

Good luck and if everything goes awry and you, your wife, or both really don't enjoy it then remember that it's just something that didn't work for you and don't dwell on it.

[Sweetsexy 15]

Well thanks for all the comments everyone, it sure has helped. I finally brought everything up to my wife and we laid down the rules on how and when we are going to do this. We agreed that we are going to go through with this but only when I am ready. We have laid down some rules to go by to help make it a little smoother when this does happens. I can honestly say I feel alot better about this now. She is totally by my side and is willing to do what I think is comfortable. I think that my jealousy will totally go away with more talking. This is good news for us. I also found the courage to talk to my friend that my wife wants to do this with and he said he was cool with it. We trust him very much and she says that she thinks it will go smooth with him.