New With Questions: Self-conscious about weight

[Jean 15]

Hi, I am new to this and my husband and I are interested in softswinging and I have a few questions.

 

I read the ads for swingers in the DFW Texas area, only I am a little nervous about how I look. I would consider myself bbw, only not huge or nothing, anyway, I guess I am a little self-conscience about how I look. Plus I hear about how it is formed thru friendship, only how do you go about finding that friendship? 

 

Are the posts in the ad part of the webpage ok? I am so afraid of meeting some weirdo. Not that they aren't ok, it's just not what I want ya know. With me being new to all of this, I want to step into this slowly, and not be pushed.

 

Anyway sorry to rattle on, but I would like to find a couple and they be a nice normal couple like us and are ok to softswing and let me go slow at this, plus not mind the way I look. And if it goes farther, then I can decide later.

 

If anyone could respond I would appreciate it. Everyone in this board has seemed so nice and I felt really comfortable asking. Thanks to All.

[Stratecpl 19]

Jean.

 

The name of the game is "take it at your own pace!" Really. Soft-swing is just fine and it's very exciting to all involved. When and IF things progress farther, you and your husband will (hopefully) be talking it over at length. It will then become a natural progression. Just be SURE to communicate true feelings with each other.

 

I would be willing to bet that MOST women who swing are BBW, and many men are also a bit "BBM" so to speak!! So don't be intimidated by this. Just keep looking until you find that right couple.... they are out there, probably closer by than you think! Good luck!!

[CanadianCouple 18]

Ron: sorry but I must disagree with you that most woman in this would be considered BBW. At least not around here. Yes there are others but by far the majority here are on the slender side, others are just average and then there are us. For the most part the us are on the bottom of the ladder and want to climb, but have a hard time finding those to climb with us.

 

Janette of CanadianCouple

 

Jean: don't let anyone rush you. Take things at your own pace and allow nature to take its coarse in time. It will all be worth it if you just give yourself the time you need. If other don't want to give you this time then they aren't the right people for you. Good luck.

[Jean 15]

Thanks so much, I am truely interested, I will just keep looking around and seeing what develops. I really appreciate ya'lls replys and will continue to look around and see what happens

[Guest CyberMWCouple]

Jean,

 

I just want to add to what good suggestions were already said here....While doing your search & RE-searching on the lifestyle, BOTH of you should be doing this together. And discuss EVERYthing & ANYthing that cums to mind! Communicate with truth & honesty, with a bit of imagination along the way , and move at your own pace, and you'll both find who you're looking for.

 

When chatting with potential partners, you want to ask them ANYthing & EVERYthing that cums to mind! If they are who they say they are, then answering all your questions truthfully wouldn't be a problem. BUT, if they give you grief and they feel "threatened" by all your questions, either they are not ready to enter into the lifestyle truthfully, or they are imposters, and you don't want nothing to do with them! A simple "Thanks, but no thanks" should be sufficient enough.

 

Do realize though, that others will be asking you personal questions as well, just be prepared to answer them with truth & honesty as well.

 

I think the main problem we've experienced so far (which was very few), is during the "getting to know each other" stages via emailing, ICQ, IM, etc....There are a few of those who find this "stage" a bit uncomfortable for them, taking "questions" VERY personal, and it IS, but do realize the "why" behind them too. *lol*

 

Just have fun with it! For us, we searched for FRIENDSHIP 1ST! And whatever happens from there, well...

 

ANYway....*lol* This is what worked for US, and it's been over a year since we've started our "research" in the lifestyle, and we've enjoyed the FUN & FRIENDSHIPS that we've gained so far! And let's not forget the EROTIC adventures too, which is an added "spice" to our UNique friendships...

 

Good luck with your search! And do keep us posted with your progress as well!

[Jean 15]

Hey All,

 

I have to totally agree with the truth and together part. That was the absolute first part when we were thinking about this. He reads the posts from this page at work and I from home, and then we talk about it when he gets home. You are right the first part of meeting people is very odd, but it is a step that has to be taken. I am very excited and hope to at one point to meet a nice couple here in the Dallas area. Who knows what can happen, but we want the friendship first too, I never dated my husband before we got married. We grew up together, and then decided to get married. We had the friendship first in our marriage and made all the difference.

[JustAskJulie 2,595]

Swinging is just like real life, there are people in it from all walks of life and all shapes and sizes. I know sometimes it seems like there are more Barbies and Kens than anything and I think that maybe that's just because those who aren't Barbie or Ken maybe feel self-conscious about putting themselves out there for fear of ridicule.

 

As far as soft-swinging, there are as many types of swinging as there are swingers. Everyone has to decide what they want to do and what they are comfortable with and stick to it. Don't feel that you have to go further than that because "most swingers do". We aren't in high school here and there shouldn't be any "well everyone else is doing it" attitude either. Do what you are comfortable with.

 

As for your body as long as you are comfortable with it, others will be to.

[CanadianCouple 18]

Quote

Originally posted by JustAskJulie:

...I think that maybe that's just because those who aren't Barbie or Ken maybe feel self-concious about putting themselves out there for fear of ridicule.

 

Sometimes that fear or nervousness manifests itself in other ways. We went to a meet and greet a couple of weeks ago, and shortly after we arrived a new couple, brand new first timers, arrived as well. They sat at a table by themselves, and continued to sit alone for a while after that. So Janette and I, knowing all too well what it's like being new and alone, decided to be a couple of nice guys and asked to sit with them to give them some company. Janette did the asking, and the guy says "well, they're all free, you can sit where you like".

 

Huh?

 

We're quite sure he didn't mean to sound abrasive, but was just nervous and maybe a tad defensive as a result. We gave them the benefit of the doubt anyway.

 

Dan

[Deja 15]

DAN:

 

Oops...we resemble that remark!!! We were very nervous the first time we went to a meet and greet...fortunately we met some folks like you who made us feel very comfortable...in no time we pulled ourselves out the corner and made some good acquaintances...

[JustAskJulie 2,595]

Quote

Originally posted by CanadianCouple:

 

We're quite sure he didn't mean to sound abrasive, but was just nervous and maybe a tad defensive as a result. We gave them the benefit of the doubt anyway.

 

So did they get over their nervousness?

[CanadianCouple 18]

Quote

Originally posted by JustAskJulie:

So did they get over their nervousness?

 

No they didn't. We talked to them for a couple of hours and it was like pulling teeth. I got the feeling it was an experience they would not be repeating. I'm far more out going than Dan and can talk quite easily to anyone. These two didn't seem to want to talk about the lifestyle or themselves. He was a little more receptive than she was. Even when the host joined us and chatted, they stayed pretty closed mouthed. We finally excused ourselves and moved on. Who knows, maybe we just weren't their type and made them nervous by sitting with them. Oh well, their loss.

 

Janette

[JustAskJulie 2,595]

Sounds to me like one of those situations where the guy dragged the wife there and was regretting it. Hard to say.. but it's too bad. We've seen similiar things at clubs we've been to, and you do have to wonder why those couples ever showed up to begin with.

[Jean 15]

Ya know, we have started putting our info on different boards hoping for a response, but I have to tell you, by looking at the pictures on different boards not everyone is a Ken and Barbie type.

 

The meet and greet thing sounds like a really nice way to meet folks, I will have to do some research on finding something like that here. I just want to make sure that my hubby and I don't end up at somthing really freaky, and we aren't prepared for it. But I figure if we do we just walk away. Ain't that big of a deal. It's not like we are going to see any of those folks a wholelot anyway. : )

[Guest CyberMWCouple]

Quote

Originally posted by CanadianCouple:

.....We finally excused ourselves and moved on. Who knows, maybe we just weren't their type and made them nervous by sitting with them. Oh well, their loss.

 

EXACTLY, "their loss"!

 

That was very nice of you two, you didn't have to go outta your way and try to make the newbies feel more welcome, and if it were us, we sure would welcome that kind of hospitality in a heartbeat!

[CanadianCouple 18]

CyberWife --

 

This is one problem we've discussed, concerning clubs.

 

How does one simply engage in conversation with another couple without them thinking you're interested in them sexually, assuming you're not? This adds unwanted tension, everyone is 'on their guard' so to speak.

 

The long-term couple we had that we've mentioned several times here, the other woman initially approached our table (while I was in the bathroom), and asked Janette if she could sit. When I came out, she was there talking to her, and I took my seat with them. I swear, several minutes of conversation passed before it FINALLY dawned on me the other woman was making an approach. By the time her husband sat with us, there was no doubt, but it just didn't occur to me they were interested, not at the onset. But I suspect I'm just slower on the uptake that most.

[Guest CyberMWCouple]

Quote

Originally posted by CanadianCouple:

.....I swear, several minutes of conversation passed before it FINALLY dawned on me the other woman was making an approach. By the time her husband sat with us, there was no doubt, but it just didn't occur to me they were interested, not at the onset. But I suspect I'm just slower on the uptake that most.

 

You sound like ME too then! *lol* It's like, if you don't have a blinking neon sign on your forehead saying, "I want your SEX, take me/us NOW!", or something to that sort, then I've missed the whole thing, and then Hubby has to explain it to me! *LOL*

 

Oh well...Hopefully because of our "ignorance" (which is usually "bliss", but in our case, that's not good *LOL*), we (you & I) didn't miss out on TOO much!

 

Hey, but we're learning, right?!

[Stratecpl 19]

you know what Ron and I do with these parties...we go...rent a room with a jacuzzi , bring along a single guy friend..stash him in the room warming up the jacuzzi and relaxing (resting up for later...haha) Ron and I go to the party, mingle, talk, dance, all that good stuff. If we meet a couple that we click with cool...we go from there with whatever everybody is comfy with..if not we get our fill of the dancing and mingling..mosey on back to our room and single friend...strip down, hop into the jacuzzi and have a very hot remainder of the evening. See the single guy is insurance..we KNOW we gonna have fun whether we meet anybody at the party or not...LOL

[LaylaSusanne 15]

Quote

Originally posted by CanadianCouple:

CyberWife --

 

This is one problem we've discussed, concerning clubs.

 

How does one simply engage in conversation with another couple without them thinking you're interested in them sexually, assuming you're not? This adds unwanted tension, everyone is 'on their guard' so to speak.

 

Yeah, we've had the same experience. On BOTH sides! It's hard to just go up and say "Hello" to someone without them thinking you want to jump them. And then, when someone approaches you, you're thinking the same thing.

 

Sometimes, we just want to be friendly and chat for a while. Most of the time, we don't play at the club anyway, except with each other.

 

It still does hurt your feelings when a couple you would like to get to know, and talk to SOCIALLY reject you because they think you want sex.

 

As my hubby put it so well one night, now I know what it feels like to be a teenage boy!

[JustAskJulie 2,595]

Originally posted by Stratecpl:

See the single guy is insurance..we KNOW we gonna have fun whether we meet anybody at the party or not...LOL

 

So what happens when you find a great couple you'd like to play with and they aren't cool with the idea of the extra single guy?

 

For that matter how do you tell them about the extra single guy? "Oh yeah just in case we didn't meet someone like you we have an extra guy back in our room to play with."

[Stratecpl 19]

Originally posted by JustAskJulie:

So what happens when you find a great couple you'd like to play with and they aren't cool with the idea of the extra single guy?

 

For that matter how do you tell them about the extra single guy? "Oh yeah just in case we didn't meet someone like you we have an extra guy back in our room to play with."

 

Well...first of all most of the people at the party already know he's there. We all get together pre-party to visit and hangout together. He's part of that gathering usually. He's just not allowed IN the party once it starts. And also...going by the past party experiences...odds are we won't find that couple anyway. Most of the women are bi and most are looking for couples with bi fems or just a bi fem to get together with after the party. It's a once a month thing and most have pretty much pre-planned their nights with their usual friends they get together with anyway. SO being new AND being straight is a big strike out from the get go for us. So the extra guy?? Yes...he makes it worth the time and effort to go. We get away from home for the weekend..dance, mingle, and have fun..once a month. IF someday that illusive straight couple walks into the party??? well we'll deal with the question then.

[Guest CyberMWCouple]

Originally posted by Stratecpl:

.....He's just not allowed IN the party once it starts.

 

So he's like a "boy toy"?

 

How does HE feel about this behavior? I guess he's okay with it, since he's been "around" with you two for awhile, yes?

 

Just wondering, cause it's pretty interesting hearing about this...

[Stratecpl 19]

Quote

Originally posted by CyberMWCouple:

So he's like a "boy toy"?

 

How does HE feel about this behavior? I guess he's okay with it, since he's been "around" with you two for awhile, yes?

 

Just wondering, cause it's pretty interesting hearing about this...

 

He doesn't mind it at all... The club is a no-singles club. If it was up to me I would have him and Ron both in the party with me...

 

He doesn't miss out on anything...nor do we. Since most all the couples there know him, there may be that one time that he may have more fun than we do after party hours. And he has the advantage of being there at the pre-party get together and meeting all the couples...many of them have expressed interest in him and a possible threesome with them...so he's exchanged e-mails and phone numbers with some of them. They are getting to know him when he's with us and vice-versa.

 

Do you think to him that being the ONLY, young, good-looking single guy at an all couples gathering is a handicap!? He sure don't! haha and he don't mind being a boy toy at all either. ..in a way he's actually benefiting more than we are. He has the chance to meet new couples to play with. Ron and I are not that lucky. We attended a party last night..same thing...nothing..we wound up back in the room by 11:00 in the jacuzzi with our friend. The night was fun and hot..but unfortunately that illusive couple wasn't there last night. The people in this club seems to have their established playmates and don't appear to be very open to new people for anything other than dancing and flirting. When it comes down to the afterparty fun, they all go back to their regular playmates for the night. The new people get flirted with, danced with, visited with, groped and teased in the party. But when it's time to take it serious and back to the room??? The new guys are left behind and the old regular playmates are sought out and taken back to the rooms. I guess we new guys are a form of foreplay???

[Guest CyberMWCouple]

So why do you keep going to the club if you're not getting anywhere there?

[Stratecpl 19]

CyberMWCouple,

 

We probably WON'T go back again, although it's the ONLY swingers' club anywhere within a couple hundred miles from us. Everyone is so chatty during the month preceeding a party, and they have all these great ideas of how we're going to get together.... then, party night comes. Nothing. They sit across the room, with their regular swingmates, with no need for anyone else. We try to engage them in conversation but they are swept away by their lovers.

 

We've dealt with a lot of rejection for the last ten months, and this just rates right up there as "cruel and unusual punishment" in our eyes. We don't want to pry anyone away from their little "cliques" that they run in, but just borrow them for awhile!! LOL I know we should be more patient, but watching as EVERYONE else's fantasies fall right into place while ours becomes even farther removed.... isn't exactly MY idea of having fun.

 

Hell, we could stay home, have hot threesomes all night long, and save the cost of the jacuzzi suites, the swingers' club fees, and all the aggravations of getting that exact right outfit for the next upcoming party. I'd be willing to bet that we had just as much hot fun as anyone there did, yet we brought the party with us.... our friend made three. If we can't break into the good graces of these swingers, we'll just (by golly) find a DIFFERENT avenue to pursue...

[Guest CyberMWCouple]

Well that's cool, that your male-playmate is "benefiting" from all this attention!

 

That's too bad about the newbies that attend this club though...THAT sucks!

 

So how is anyone, especially the newbies suppose to "hook up" with anyone there at this club, if all they do is "tease", then drop them like flies?! That doesn't sound nice to me, and I'm sure them too!

 

We still haven't attended a club yet, but we're seriously thinking about doing so next month, especially since the theme for next month is "Leather & Lace"! We'll keep you guys posted though, IF we end up going that is...

[Stratecpl 19]

CyberMWCouple,

 

You're right, it IS a big tease gimmick in our book!! We've talked with others who have also been victims of the teasing, and they felt the same way about it. However, they'd just resigned themselves to talking, dancing, and trying to meet new people as best they could.

 

Wouldn't it be great to have your own club?? I know, there would be a lot of aggravations involved and also a lot of work. But if it was run right, you'd turn it into something great in no time!

[CanadianCouple 18]

Ron --

 

Your assessment of the past year sounds so much like ours, unfortunately.

 

When we got our computer a few years ago, we thought this would be nirvana for finding compatible swing partners. We have found two of the couples we've been with using it, but the amount of BS we've had to wade through to find them would fertilize every field in Texas. Sooooo many people talk sooooo big over the net, but chicken out when it comes face to face.

 

Cliques at clubs are another major problem you've mentioned. When 80% or more attending are regulars who know each other well, they tend to close ranks and make newcomers feel left out. It isn't much fun sitting there by yourselves, watching everyone else interact and have a good time. We know, it's happened to us. And when you're introverted by nature to begin with, it makes "selling" yourselves all that more difficult.

 

I'm puzzled by your statement you and Connie have had a lot of rejections the past several months. I've seen you two, you should both draw them like moths to a flame.

[JustAskJulie 2,595]

Originally posted by Stratecpl:

And he has the advantage of being there at the pre-party get together and meeting all the couples...

 

This is definitely true. While most couples don't want to be at a club over run by single males, any single guy who already has a leg into the lifestyle and has "references" from other swinging couples is definitely going to have an advantage.... now that is one lucky single male.

 

I can see your point of going just for fun and friendship with other swinging couples even tho you might not be interested in playing with them. As you said, it's a great night out and you know at the end of the night you've got your fun waiting in the room. It's also cool that you can take him to the pre-party and get him acquainted with others and you are open about it so that if you do meet someone everyone knows up front what to expect. And I'd guess that even if you met someone not really interested in your extra, you could send him off to the room of another willing couple for the night.

[Stratecpl 19]

Quote

Originally posted by CanadianCouple:

I'm puzzled by your statement you and Connie have had a lot of rejections the past several months. I've seen you two, you should both draw them like moths to a flame.

 

Hi Dan...

 

First...thank you. And now... remember our first in depth debate we got into on here. The one about muscular women? I think the original topic there was about how people judged others on their looks. Well my point in that post was that the "Fit" types get judged too. Maybe that's what is truly happening? Maybe we are being pre-judged solely on appearance?? I don't really know Dan...personally I don't think I look that great... I'm average at best. (An NO I'm not saying that looking for debate or a compliment...haha...I REALLY believe that. When I look in the mirror I don't see anything special at all...haha. Now Ron on the other hand...yes... he IS without a shadow of doubt the best looking guy there...haha...

[CanadianCouple 18]

Originally posted by Stratecpl:

I think the original topic there was about how people judged others on their looks. Well my point in that post was that the "Fit" types get judged too.

 

Maybe I can shed some light on that, from our own experiences.

 

I'll use our last meet and greet as an example. Since our last one we had attended before that, the couple running this club had purchased a new building in a different location, so we hadn't seen the interior layout. We were one of the first couples to arrive, and upon entering the building, we saw a very attractive woman sitting at the bar with what I assume was her husband. Shoulder length blonde hair, form-fitting dress, a real rocket on legs. She even smiled at us!

 

But Janette and I knew she was WAAAY out of our league. In swinging, as in most other venues of life it seems, you'll still find those separate and distinct classes of people. The elegant, affluent types hook up, your blue collar types hook up, and so on.

 

Just a thought, but in yours and Ron's case it may not be so much a case of being "judged", but others may feel you two are out of their league and why bother to set yourself up for yet another rejection? Many swingers suffer from lack of self confidence, and that's a killer trying to find partners.

[Stratecpl 19]

Dan,

 

Almost everyone there who had been a member for awhile had their own sets of playmates. The newbies all looked sad and forlorn. I can sympathize with them all.... They didn't look too anxious to SHARE them with anyone else!! Seems to me like 3 couples could have lots more fun than just TWO.... LOL

 

But I guess they don't see it THAT way...

 

Everyone we've talked with are also working-class people, just like we are. They just have preferences, I guess...

 

Oh, and Connie was wrong, I'm "butt-ugly"...

[Guest CyberMWCouple]

Quote

Originally posted by CanadianCouple:

...But Janette and I knew she was WAAAY out of our league...Many swingers suffer from lack of self confidence...

 

The wife of one of the couples we swing with is a real knockout. But we had no problems getting together with them. We just knew that we could give them one hell of an incredible night and worked off of that basis.

 

Another of the couples that we have met have money. And again, we had no problem with them.

 

It sounds to me like you have already judged yourself and decided you are not good enough for the 'beautiful' people. If something about you is not what you want it to be, then change it. Our bodies are the easiest things to change in our lives.

 

[CanadianCouple 18]

Quote

Originally posted by CyberMWCouple:

If something about you is not what you want it to be, then change it. Our bodies are the easiest things to change in our lives.

 

There are good reasons for people to take care of their bodies, but pleasing strangers isn't one of them. We've entered into this lifestyle with the attitude that we are who we are, take us or leave us. We're friendly, very approachable, and I suppose in a perfect world, those are the attributes that should matter the most, not waist size.

[Guest CyberMWCouple]

I never said that there was anything wrong with you. You implied it by saying that this woman was way out of your league.

[Guest CyberMWCouple]

Quote

Originally posted by CanadianCouple:

There are good reasons for people to take care of their bodies, but pleasing strangers isn't one of them.

 

And this is true, not having to "please someone else" to "better" your looks and so forth, but what is REALLY needed, is self-confidence!

 

And pleasing yourself and your spouse or significant other, is ALL that really matters!

 

Our feelings are mutual on this too, if you don't like what you see, then hit the road Jack! It's THEIR loss, and they weren't meant for you/us anyway!

 

We just have to be PATIENT and keep on "lookin'" till we find who we're looking for!

[CanadianCouple 18]

CyberHusband --

 

It's not that we feel there is something wrong with us, but we do know human nature.

 

What this really comes down to is self confidence, or a lack therof. Let me use Ron and Connie as an example, since Connie and I had a go around about this a few months ago. If we didn't know them from in here, or in any other capacity, and met them at a social for the first time, we'd be very reluctant to approach them to see if there were any interest on their parts. Again, we'd be afraid of another rejection. Of course, now we'd be delighted to meet them in person since we've had contact (and we would you two as well, and several others in here), and even if nothing sexual were to take place we'd be glad of having the opportunity. The difference is, they've had the chance to have some interaction with us already, and we wouldn't feel that our outward appearances were the sole impression they'd have of us, as would be the case if it weren't for this site.

 

It's getting late here and I'm probably rambling a bit, but it all boils down to one's self image and confidence. We're hoping that as we gain more experience in this, we'll be able to bolster our reserves somewhat.

[anandjeff2 15]

Quote

Originally posted by CanadianCouple:

 

a very attractive woman , a real rocket on legs.

 

But Janette and I knew she was WAAAY out of our league.

 

I definately agree with the thought that people tend to hook up with people from the same class, but you should have at least given it a chance...you never know...we have a couple who are quite well off but were not always in that position. They don't judge people by what they have or where they live...they've been there and know that it's the people who count..

 

As for the gorgeous gal...one of my girlfriends is a knockout that turns heads everywhere we go...only thing is the guys who check her out don't have a chance in the world of scoring... she's only into the lifestyle for her bisexual side...lucky moi!!

 

An