How long is reasonable for "getting to know you" phase?

[Tybee Swing 286]

I know the answers to this question will be as varied as there are individuals to answer it...but still, I'd like to hear everyone's own personal barometer on this one....

 

You've met a couple that you're both attracted to and interested in. They've seemed very flirty, friendly and interested in you since you first met them in the club, months ago. You've talked several times at the club, danced with them, emailed off and on. Then, you connect and meet them for a "date" - then another "date". Along the way, you learn they're a "friends first" couple. More emailing ensues, with lots of innuendo and downright "I want you" comments. During the time it takes for this to transpire, you learn that they're not nearly as active or experienced in the Lifestyle (sexually) as you would have thought, given the impressions you'd gotten from them since early on, and the level of their attendance and socializing at Lifestyle functions.

 

You're "dating" them, they're nice, there's definitely a personality/attaction connection, but you have no idea when, or if, things will actually pan out. At what point do you wonder if they're just the playful, teasing type? Also known as, the hanging-around-the-fringes type of couple? How long are you patient (or are you) with the heavy flirting, innuendo and dating? How do you take it to the next level?

 

Personal experiences/stories along this line appreciated, too.

[biblonde 22]

Well, we like the "friend" thing but really this is about sex to us. We did the dating thing when we were younger and to us dating is to get married. To us if everyone clicks and there is chemistry then it is get nekkid time. I would get board fast if it was constant dating and nothing to show for it. If they are a little shy, maybe one or two dates beyond first meeting. After that if they arent willing to play then we move on. I have enough "friends" and being in this lifestyle we are looking to play not date. One of the reasons we try to stay back from newer couples or those that seem to have issues. We are just looking for some fun on the side.

 

As for how to take it to the next level...I'm pretty aggresive in that one in which I am willing to make the first move. I am Bi so I usually will ask the lady (if I like her) if I can kiss her and well things heat up quickly after that!! You may want to talk to them and find out if they are okay with taking it further. Maybe since they have less experiance than you thought they may be waiting for you to make the first move. We have been with couples though that we did alot of talking and dating with before play but they didnt stick around very long.(I lost interest and play just wasnt as fun) And we do have couples we meet in the lifestyle and are only friends with for some reason or another. It depends on what you are looking for. If you really want to play talk to them about it. If they keep putting it off maybe you should walk away or just be friends without expectations of playing.

 

Best of luck!! BB

[Chicup 42]

Two/three hours tops.

 

Even as newbies it only took going to dinner for us

 

Anyone who waits as long as you described is not ready to swing or afraid to initiate. Its time to ask 'do you want to play'.

[LOL_OMG 130]

This is interesting because it's happened to us recently. Attractions are there on all sides, we have had some great times together laughing and even travelling. They are not newbies, quite the contrary.

 

I have a feeling we've maybe gotten to know each other too well, and I realize how stupid this sounds as I'm typing it. Our bond (especially between the women) has grown into almost best friends. We've had opportunities for a full swap but it never happened.

 

It's come a time with these two that we will have to talk seriously and decide what we're doing here. The friends we've made, even if no sex is involved is totally worth it...but the not knowing what the exact relationship is, kind of leaves too many questions.

 

Mrs LOL

[NandTfromCA 84]

The friends we've made, even if no sex is involved is totally worth it...but the not knowing what the exact relationship is, kind of leaves too many questions.

 

Mrs LOL

Dito

 

We are fine with just being friends but if it didn't progress the 2nd time we "dated" them, we would just ask, "Are you guys interested in getting naked with us?".

 

"No" is totally fine. Now we know and our expectations are set. Having friends to hang out vertically can be fun too (ok, their not as fun as friends that do us, but they are fun in their own right ).

[LikeMinds321 1,527]

Two/three hours tops.

 

Even as newbies it only took going to dinner for us

 

Anyone who waits as long as you described is not ready to swing or afraid to initiate. Its time to ask 'do you want to play'.

My thoughts exactly.

 

We always want to get to know people before jumping into bed with them, we want to feel sure there is a desired comfort level. And for us this doesn't take long. Every time we've met a new couple (that we wanted to play with) we've played on the first meet. I don't think finding friendship and sex with people are exclusive of the other nor do you have to be best friends before you first play. For us, the friendship develops after the sex and the sex then gets better.

 

It only takes us a few hours to know if we want to play with a couple. There is never any pressure from us or them to play, it just happens this way when everyone clicks.

 

Only once have I not been the initiator out of the four of us...I usually have to back the guy up against a wall and tell him I'm interested and ask him if he feels the same about me. I've always received a "yes!" I then ask him if he feels his wife is interested in my husband. He says he can tell she is. And we go from there. The heat soon rises and within the hour we're off playing.

 

If you come upon a couple at a club and only spend a few minutes with them each time, I can see where your approach could be slower. Even still, I think it's up to you to make your wishes known because they may be afraid too. Somebody has got to speak up.

 

We're not interested in time-consuming "dating," we want to make something happen. We primarily meet swingers through ad sites and we've already corresponded enough before the first date to know there is a strong interest. By the time we meet we're all excited to see each other. If it's meant to be we prefer to make sex happen sooner than later.

 

I do think there are many couples who are regular club goers who do little if any playing. They go for the social atmosphere. I've not had experience coming upon such situations, but I've read other forums where these types frustrate swingers. I read that the social "flirt only" couples feel they have as much right to be at the clubs as those who play. And I believe they do.

 

That leaves those of us who want to swing with the responsibility of asking the BIG question: "Can I play with you?"

 

LM

[LOL_OMG 130]

"Can I play with you?" LM

Okay, fine. Reduce it down to something simple, go ahead. Sheesh.

[Dynamar 246]

I'm sitting here, reading this thread, and imagining some poor newbie "friends first" couple talking with each other after the shell-shock of another couple asked them "Can we play with you?"

 

Imagine... They wanted to have sex with us!

[WesternSwing 504]

I think if you are truly okay with it, you know if you are going to have sex with someone in the first 15 minutes of a "date". Doesn't mean it will happen the first time you meet, but it definitely should the second if it ever will.

 

I think there allot of couples that are testing the waters and finding what their boundries are but are too afraid to say it up front. We know couples that are testing the waters and they have told us up front, and that has been okay with us. We see them at parties and clubs and love to go out with them once in a while. But if time is limited then we will tend to gravitate toward sure things.

 

So my short answer... first date should be an option, second date definitely.

 

Mr. WS

[Additude 457]

My response to the scenerio you described is that this couple is testing the waters and using you to do so.

 

We have never met for the first time to just "get to know". We have always had expectations to have sex on the first meet and it has always happened that way.

 

We are not into dating couples, romancing them, becoming friends and the whole rest of whatevers. For us it's recreational sex. We get to know a couple on line, talk to them via phone, meet and have sex. If we click personally then we meet more than once if possible.

 

Honestly, we just don't have time to play the dating game. When we have one night to do it in, then we want to make the most of it.

[Amanda69 24]

We all have our own comfort zones when it comes to playing. There is no fast and hard rule for us. It is all about the moment. We don't always want to form a close friendship with the couple (can be too complicated) this is after all about SEX.

 

House parties are great as you can hook up with a couple, party and not have to worry about the where and when of planning dates.

 

I have had a few of the type of relationship originally described, "the dance" can go on a long time and the "moment" may never be right. It only takes one person to get the party started, why not be the one

[BiloxiCouple 695]

Hi I'm Billy, wanna fuck? No, no, no, I don't need your name just the answer. Conversation? Dating? Dining? Will you marry me? Damn, I am already married. Yes Dear. I am so confused. Which wife was this.

 

See what happens when I have too many ice cream sandwiches this early the morning. Bad sugar rush.

[Sweet_Candy 54]

Hi I'm Billy, wanna fuck? No, no, no, I don't need your name just the answer. Conversation? Dating? Dining? Will you marry me? Damn, I am already married. Yes Dear. I am so confused. Which wife was this.

 

See what happens when I have too many ice cream sandwiches this early the morning. Bad sugar rush.

 

 

Dito I love it! So to the point and true. Almost spewed my coffee with laughter.

[good times 991]

If we meet somebody at the clubs it usually doesn't take long at all. Then again, their have been times when we met more prospective playmates in one night than we could play with on that night. Sometimes the time just isn't right for months before we actaully make it to the play room. The important thing though, is that someone has to ask "do you want to play with us" or something similar. We have found that if it goes on for any length of time without anyone popping the question, it probably isn't ever going to happen. We have met many people in swinging that we became friends with but have never played with and don't intend to. This is all fine, friends are good to, but if you want to play with them someone needs to ask. That said, I have to admit, we are notoriously bad at this asking bit. Most of the time, people have to ask us, as we suck at making the first move.

 

When meeting people online, we always meet with no expectations. The reason for this is that we know that the only way we will know if we are all compatable is to meet in person. We get emails from people all the time saying lets get together for sex this weekend. Our response is always "We would be more than happy to meet you this weekend to see if we all get along and are compatable, but we won't agree to have sex until after we have met". We usually never hear from these people again, which is fine with us. We are more than willing to have sex on the first date if we all get along, and usually do, but we aren't willing to commit to sex having never met in person.

[EvilMJ 65]

I guess Evil is a bad girl . I am not in this to date people. I don't have a lot of free time so I can't spend all that time and money 'dating' someone. If I am at a dance and we click...then it's on!! I don't do much over the internet becuase like I said we just don't have time.

 

I have lots of swinger friends that I don't play with and that's fine. But if we are out to have some fun, all I really need to know is that I get along with them, we are after the same thing, and we have an attraction.....anything beyone that really isn't necessary for me....hey I may never see these people again and I am not looking for an exclusive relationship with anyone.....

 

But hey that's what's great about swinging, it can be different for each person and still work.

[Pepper & Drew 384]

I know the answers to this question will be as varied as there are individuals to answer it...but still, I'd like to hear everyone's own personal barometer on this one....

 

You've met a couple that you're both attracted to and interested in. They've seemed very flirty, friendly and interested in you since you first met them in the club, months ago. You've talked several times at the club, danced with them, emailed off and on. Then, you connect and meet them for a "date" - then another "date". Along the way, you learn they're a "friends first" couple. More emailing ensues, with lots of innuendo and downright "I want you" comments. During the time it takes for this to transpire, you learn that they're not nearly as active or experienced in the Lifestyle (sexually) as you would have thought, given the impressions you'd gotten from them since early on, and the level of their attendance and socializing at Lifestyle functions.

 

You're "dating" them, they're nice, there's definitely a personality/attaction connection, but you have no idea when, or if, things will actually pan out. At what point do you wonder if they're just the playful, teasing type? Also known as, the hanging-around-the-fringes type of couple? How long are you patient (or are you) with the heavy flirting, innuendo and dating? How do you take it to the next level?

 

Personal experiences/stories along this line appreciated, too.

 

Oh criminy!

 

We're somewhere in between 'hi, wanna fuck?' and 'let's be bff's before hooking up', but months of the flirty-flirty would tell me one of 2 things: 1. they're interested, but not THAT interested or 2. they're just excited by the idea of swinging, but aren't actually swingers.

 

We'd be friendly at the parties, might even hang out, but I think we'd take a pass on this one.

 

Pepper

[Tybee Swing 286]

To all: Thank you for all the great responses! We really appreciate each answer!

 

As for how to take it to the next level...I'm pretty aggresive in that one in which I am willing to make the first move. I am Bi so I usually will ask the lady (if I like her) if I can kiss her and well things heat up quickly after that!!

 

I'm with you! I did this at the end of both Date #1 and Date #2. It was very hot, and she was 100% receptive! The guys loved it, too.

 

You may want to talk to them and find out if they are okay with taking it further. Maybe since they have less experiance than you thought they may be waiting for you to make the first move.

 

The talk so far, especially via IMs from the lady after the dates, was very "I want you", and pointing in that direction, but nothing definitive or indicating when that might happen. I think you're right in that they (or at least she) is waiting for me to be the aggressor. I'm not a really aggressive person (I wish the aggression was at least equal) - and they aren't the type that like "pushy people" - though, neither are we. Next time we see them, we'll lay the question out on the table, and see where it goes.

[Tybee Swing 286]

We always want to get to know people before jumping into bed with them, we want to feel sure there is a desired comfort level. And for us this doesn't take long.

 

We feel the same way. It's possible that we'll get to the sex on the first date, but usually it's better for us the second time we meet with them, if we only just met them for the first time.

 

Only once have I not been the initiator out of the four of us...I usually have to back the guy up against a wall and tell him I'm interested and ask him if he feels the same about me. I've always received a "yes!" I then ask him if he feels his wife is interested in my husband. He says he can tell she is. And we go from there. The heat soon rises and within the hour we're off playing. LM

 

Excellent idea, about backing the guy against the wall, including asking him if his wife is interested in my husband. I can tell when the other guy is interested in me, but my husband is usually clueless whether the woman is interested in him, and he will never overtly "come on" to the woman. Sometimes I can tell that the woman is interested in him, though often in a coy sort of way. Most women seem much more vague about all this (which means her signals are under my husband's radar). His gentlemanliness might be under her "does he want me" radar, too. It sounds like to get us laid, I'm going to have to be "it" and push people into the wall. LOL

 

Thanks for your excellent tips!!

[Tybee Swing 286]

House parties are great as you can hook up with a couple, party and not have to worry about the where and when of planning dates.

 

Interestingly, the next time we see them (probably - if not before) will be at a house party!! They've been going to this house party regularly for some time (part of the reason for my surprise when we learned about their lack of participation). It will be our first time at this house party. I have a pretty strong feeling that something hot will happen that night. If not, we'll know for sure they're just toying with it all, and we'll have other people there willing to play.

 

I have had a few of the type of relationship originally described, "the dance" can go on a long time and the "moment" may never be right. It only takes one person to get the party started, why not be the one

 

Yep, it looks like I'm "it". I'd rather get pursued, but somebody's gotta do it!

[Tybee Swing 286]

This is all fine, friends are good too, but if you want to play with them someone needs to ask. That said, I have to admit, we are notoriously bad at this asking bit. Most of the time, people have to ask us, as we suck at making the first move.

 

Thanks for sharing, this is interesting! Do you know why you two have such a hard time making a first move? I'm really curious to hear more.

 

When meeting people online, we always meet with no expectations. The reason for this is that we know that the only way we will know if we are all compatable is to meet in person. We get emails from people all the time saying lets get together for sex this weekend. Our response is always "We would be more than happy to meet you this weekend to see if we all get along and are compatable, but we won't agree to have sex until after we have met". We usually never hear from these people again, which is fine with us. We are more than willing to have sex on the first date if we all get along, and usually do, but we aren't willing to commit to sex having never met in person.

 

Us, too. There's no way we're promising anything sexual until we see and talk to people face-to-face. People are much more multi-faceted in person than they are on a computer screen. In fact, what seemed good on screen, might seem icky in person - who knows? Meeting is a must for us before decision-time.

[Tybee Swing 286]

I guess Evil is a bad girl . I am not in this to date people. I don't have a lot of free time so I can't spend all that time and money 'dating' someone. If I am at a dance and we click...then it's on!!

 

I'm with ya! It reminds me of one of my favorite Blackeyed Peas songs - "spending all your money on me, and spending time on me"

"you've got me spinning..."

[good times 991]

Thanks for sharing, this is interesting! Do you know why you two have such a hard time making a first move? I'm really curious to hear more.

I don't really know, it just seems like neither one of us is good and figuring out when the time is right to pop the question. I guess this should come as no surprise, I was never very good at this when I was single either. A girl used to pretty much have to scream "take me!", in order for me to have sex with her, or even ask her out for a date, for that matter. If it wasn't for a bet I made with a coworker 21 years ago about who could get her in the sack first, I probably never would have asked Mrs. GT out, even though I thought she was the hottest women I had ever met.

 

Oh.....by the way, if you were wondering, I won $100.00 and ended up with a really great wife on that bet.

[WA_Cple 20]

We had a really bad experience with "dating"... we met a couple online and we exchanged emails and went out to dinner. Things went really well - they were very sexy, smart, and seemed to enjoy our company. Since we don't play at home (small children) we made a point to get together "soon". We ended up on our 2nd "date" at a meet and greet that is held prior to the start up time at a local club.

 

The Mrs. was hot and heavy into Mr WA (yahoo!) - making sexual innuendos, etc. We went to the club... and things started getting sort of strange (by the way both us and them are members of the club)... The "other" Mrs indicated that she was waiting for a single guy to turn up and told us how sexy, etc. he is... "groovy" I think... the more then merrier... Anyway single guy shows up and the "other" Mrs sort of follows him around all night trying to pin him down *ahem*

 

They finally get single guy in a corner and we are coming by and they say "We found single guy and now we can't find a room to play" Being ever so helpful that we are... we say oh we know where there's a free room... and we all saunter over... "other" Mrs starts entertaining single guy... my Mr and "other" Mr start entertaining me... and I'm like far out!! I proceed to get naked and having fun.

 

The next thing I know... my Mr is getting his clothes on and handing me mine and he says 'its time to go'... I'm like what the??!! but obey because thats the rules. Apparently while "other" Mr and I were entertaining each other... my Mr WA went over to "other' Mrs and began playing with her and she proceeded to clamp her legs shut tight and move away with haste from Mr WA... being the good man that he is... he knows when he's been told to fuck off.

 

Anyway... we get an email from them a week later saying that they don't like to rush things, they like slow and sensual sex, and blah blah blah about all these preferences that in no way was communicated during the first 2 dates that we had!!!

 

Thats why we don't "date" anymore... we are in it for the sex and if a couple isn't ready for sex then they aren't ready for us... we really only want fun without the drama!

 

PS - I don't blame the other couple exclusively... both hubby and I take responsibility in this as well... it just made us realize that the date thing isn't for us!

 

Mwa!

 

Mrs WA

[xxoticangel 99]

Not into the date thing either. Our lives are too busy and too restrictive to spend a lot of time checking to see if things click. When we agree to meet with someone it is with the understanding that, unless something unexpected happens, we will be having sex that night.

[Tybee Swing 286]

I don't really know, it just seems like neither one of us is good and figuring out when the time is right to pop the question. I guess this should come as no surprise, I was never very good at this when I was single either. A girl used to pretty much have to scream "take me!", in order for me to have sex with her, or even ask her out for a date, for that matter.

 

You sound a lot like my Mr. However, that's part of his charm, to me! There's something sexy and adorable about a man that's a little on the shy side - at least, until you get through.

 

It sounds like you won your bet and it paid off in spades.

[Tybee Swing 286]

The next thing I know... my Mr is getting his clothes on and handing me mine and he says 'its time to go'... I'm like what the??!! but obey because thats the rules. Apparently while "other" Mr and I were entertaining each other... my Mr WA went over to "other' Mrs and began playing with her and she proceeded to clamp her legs shut tight and move away with haste from Mr WA... being the good man that he is... he knows when he's been told to fuck off.

 

Anyway... we get an email from them a week later saying that they don't like to rush things, they like slow and sensual sex, and blah blah blah about all these preferences that in no way was communicated during the first 2 dates that we had!!!

 

Thanks so much for sharing your story! How confusing that must have been. Good lesson for the rest of us.

 

Are things working out much better now that you've changed your M.O.?

[Mr. Truelove 81]

Geez.. Everyone seems to want to hop in the sack really fast.

 

What are you? A bunch of sluts?

[Sweet_Candy 54]

Geez.. Everyone seems to want to hop in the sack really fast.

 

What are you? A bunch of sluts?

 

 

Well no actually we are quite picky but when we find what we seek we tend to approach with gusto!