Wife playing alone and I'm not sure I'm ok with it

[nexteltx 15]

Alright…Here’s the deal…Me and my wife are in our early twenties with a child…For a couple of years I always thought my wife with another man watching them and participating would be sexy…She never gave it any thought…Until January…

 

She always enjoyed chatting on the computer…She’s a flirt but never would go to far…Since the child she’s gained a little weight and she used it to sort of help her self esteem…In January a guy she had been talking to came to our town to visit his family…She asked me if she could meet him, I thinking it was a joke said to go right ahead…Later that week she asked a second time…Still thinking it was a joke I said go ahead…She came home drunk and told me she had given him a blowjob…I was speechless I have always been turned on by that but didn’t know what to think I never thought it would happen…I was angry but I couldn’t be I gave her permission…I was hurt that I wasn’t included, or I guess that she would rather do that alone…And that was as far as it went…Until

 

Last Monday…She has recently been chatting with another man daily for about a month…Calling him on the phone and staying up until the wee hours in the morning…I work graveyard so I don’t have an opportunity to see her that often and when I do she’s talking to that guy…We had previously agreed that in the future if there was to be a future with this kind of play that it would be for the both of us and not for just our singular pleasure…Anyway I had let it slide, until last Monday…She had been asking me for days if she could go meet him, each time I had to work that night I was hesitant I would’ve preferred to be there…On Monday she asked me again and after 4 times of saying no she wouldn’t let up so I said okay whatever…I went to work and tried calling her over and over again to tell her I wasn’t comfortable but she did not answer…Finally around two in the morning she called and gave me the details…She had given him a blowjob and described everything that had occurred…I guess the things that make me kind of uncomfortable would be that she behaves different with these men…I mean she’s more sensuous she usually when being intimate with me doesn’t go out of her way to seduce me or kiss but every time she goes out she does that kind of stuff…So the next couple of days I kind of was upset I saw this lack of attention and lack of sexual interest with me as a major problem…I spoke with her for a couple of days and told her that I felt ignored and well that she wasn’t into me anymore…She assured me that I was just blowing things out of proportion and that she did love me, she didn’t feel any different…

 

So here’s the dilemma…She’s planning to meet again this Saturday night but for actual intercourse…This was never really discussed before I asked her if she wanted to fuck him and she said sure…I don’t know if I am comfortable with this seeing how it doesn’t seem to be for us, it seems this is solely for her…Am I reading to much into this, because it feels like she’s growing attached…She doesn’t spend half her time being with me then she does talking to this man…What am I supposed to do…?

 

Is this bad…Is this good…Do I have to worry…Is it all in my head…AAAAHHHH

[NewAndScared 15]

Call your attourney. First to file wins!

 

Sorry, still having a bad day.

 

Wait, no, file. What your wife is doing has nothing to do with swinging and mutual sex. It is cheating with permission. She is one step out the door.

[TeamSoBe 36]

You say that you're not cool with it but you seem to be in control and you're letting it happen anyway. I sense a moth-to-flame attraction on your part to her behavior, which is perfectly normal. If you like the thrill of the threatened feeling and the uncertainty then you're not alone. If you don't then stop her when she gives you a chance.

[JnCC 24]

Ahhh...young wives. They're like young puppies. When they piss on the furniture, you gotta whack 'em on the ass right then and there, or they'll get the idea that whatever they're doing is OK with you.

 

You're problem, my young friend, is that you didn't whack your wife on the ass the first time she gave some strange guy a blow job. Oh well...too late now. But there IS something else you can do...

 

You say that "she's planning to meet again this Saturday night but for actual intercourse…" In other words, she's sort of "lifting her leg in the direction of your furniture," but she hasn't actually started spraying the sofa yet. Now's the time you have to make some noise! In as loud and authoritative voice as you can muster, tell her, "NO!...STOP!" and wave a rolled-up newspaper at her. Sure, it will startle her. She may even try to do it again a few moments later, at which time you repeat the commands "NO! STOP!" over again. Repeat as often as necessary.

 

Eventually, she'll learn what you'll stand for, and what you will not.

 

Yep...they're just like puppies. The sooner they know what the rules are, the better. If you don't do something about it now, there will never be any peace in your home later. Like Tony Soprano says...

 

"The shit don't go back IN the donkey!"

[Guest CandPinSA]

In our opinion, and not even having anything to do with our desire to swing, there are huge differences between swinging, an 'open' relationship, and cheating. I wouldn't even consider what she is doing, 'with' permission, swinging. With permission, I would call it an 'open' relationship. However, I wouldn't call it that either, as you tried many times more than should have been needed to tell her you are not comfortable with it, you don't like it, and no you don't want her to do it. She basically badgered you into saying 'fine whatever'.... and did it... yet still knowing you didn't want it to happen but not caring. Simply put, she's cheating on you. Being coerced into submission is not submitting. If you finally gave up the argument for the sake of not arguing, which it should be obvious to ANYONE that's what happened, it is not permission. It's "I don't want to fight about it anymore." As sad as divorce is, I agree with NewAndScared. I might not file for divorce right this second, but I would put it to her as being 2 choices. Stop, or get out, so I can begin to rebuild my life, my heart, and my happiness.

 

IMHO

Mr. C

[NewAndScared 15]

That was the funniest thing I have read in a very long time!

 

 

Now if they just had the unconditional love of a puppy and forgot your mistakes as fast......

[confunktion 20]

Where do I start...hmmm...damn, there's a lot that's not quite clicking here. Let's step back, take a breath, and prioritize:

 

1) Figure out how you really feel about this. I'm really not sure from your post, because I see a lot of hesitancy and indecision. Do you like the fact that she is blowing other guys and wants to take the next step without you, or is this getting out of control and making you feel trampled on by this runaway "sex-on-the-side" train? Take some time for yourself and meditate on it. Once you've got that...

 

2) Communicate your feelings to your wife. Yeah, you've talked to her already, but it just doesn't seem like the whole message is out there. You two need to sit down and hash this out before anything else happens. I'm not telling you what decision you need to come to or how you are supposed to feel - to each their own - but you need to take a position here and open up a dialogue. You'll be able to more accurately gauge how she is taking things as well, and your next steps will become clear.

 

I gotta be honest with you, I don't like where this is going at all. One-way ticket to Disasterville. I picture you as a little kid on a basketball court, helpless as your wife scores on you at will. The signs are as bright as a hot-pink miniskirt - I just hope you are able to step back and take an objective look before it gets removed by another guy, without your participation or attendance.

 

In short, take a stand. Stick up for yourself and your opinions, whatever they turn out to be. I wish you much luck and a huge-ass shot of self-esteem and courage.

 

Mr. Funk

Bartender, another martini, if you please.

[clearlykt 15]

WORRY! In our opinion she is cheating with your knowledge.

 

Your first question was – is this a problem. You stated several times that you were not comfortable with this. I (Mr.) have learned long ago that if it is real to you it should be real to her, where she feels so or not. This has to be addressed – and soon! You are not comfortable with her activity – end of story.

 

Second, if I read it correctly your fantasy was to WATCH her. This is not your fantasy; she is getting something from these guys that she is longing for. It could be several things, attention, and the idea of being desired by other men or a myriad of other possibilities.

 

And no, this is not normal….

[nexteltx 15]

So what if it's a desire to be wanted...? She was a virgin when we met I just kinda thought she wanted to explore...I'm not sure what to think...So it definetely sounds like she's doing this for herself and not our fantasies...? Thats what you all are kinda saying...

[NewAndScared 15]

This is a great example of uncontrolled fantasy and the lack of reality dealing with online relationships. This is how many children and housewifes are getting into trouble. It starts with just an innocent friendship then develops into an emotional dump of feelings that you would not share in real life. This person does not exist. You will never meet them. Then artificial feelings and desires start to develop due to the amazing ability they have to listen. They have to listen! You’re typing! Then it spirals out of control into addiction to the person and the online community. She is stuck within her own reality that she can live both lives. Unplug the computer! Or start splitting up stuff and friends…..

[2jersey 16]

Ditto to what was said previously. In addition, rid your mind of the mistaken impression that you had "given her permission" for the first (blowjob) encounter. There is some blame to be shared, but in no way did you give her your approval to go out, get drunk and blow this man.

[nexteltx 15]

Wow I was afraid of this reaction...I guess I knew it thats why I'd been all upset...I just don't want to believe it...And it's pretty unanomous feedback...What am I going to say to her that I haven't before...? Is there no doubt about her intentions...?

[NewAndScared 15]

Wow I was afraid of this reaction...I guess I knew it thats why I'd been all upset...I just don't want to believe it...And it's pretty unanomous feedback...What am I going to say to her that I haven't before...? Is there no doubt about her intentions...?

 

Unless we are all missing someting, she is trying to cheat without losing you. I agree with above that you will be run over the rest of your life. Too late to turn back!

 

We need Intuitions feedback on this one. If she says dump her than you are in trouble.

[TeamSoBe 36]

So it definetely sounds like she's doing this for herself and not our fantasies...?

 

If you're communicating poorly with her then she may not be aware of that. One way to interpret what you wrote is that you enjoy what's going on and you're allowing it. She has kept you informed and repeatedly asked permission and your response has been to go "okay sure, well ... I don't know, twist my arm..." She probably thinks you're getting off on it just like she is. Even I think that you're getting off on it just like she is.

 

A guy who I met recently who shares my love for watching the little wife act like a slut, told me a story at a party after fucking my wife senseless got him to open up about his fantasies. One time this co-worker of his wife somehow found out that they swing and started sniffing around and making hints that he'd like some. But he wanted to just see her, not a threesome. So the couple completely played the guy for their fantasy. She agreed and made the guy feel like it was a one-time, totally clandestine meeting. In reality her husband was hiding in the closet the whole time and he saw and heard everything. All three of them thought it was INSANELY hot and the guy never even found out that he had been monitored. And no he never got a second visit.

[Guest CandPinSA]

Wow I was afraid of this reaction...I guess I knew it thats why I'd been all upset...I just don't want to believe it...And it's pretty unanomous feedback...What am I going to say to her that I haven't before...? Is there no doubt about her intentions...?

 

If you really want to watch her with another man... tell her "I'll go with you, or pack a bag before you leave." then go to wal-mart (every town in US has one now don't they?) and get new locking doorknobs and deadbolts. Disconnect the doorbell and don't answer the door when she knocks. Let 'him' take care of her and house her and whatever.... then let it be his problem to deal with when she does the same to him. Sorry.... I hate the idea of being in your position. And in my phylosophy (for what that's worth) the sooner you can start putting your own happiness first again, the better.

 

Put your foot down man. It's not a game she's playing. It's not a sex toy she's playing with... neither you nor the other guy. IT'S A COUPLE OF REAL HEARTS AND A HUGE SET OR REAL EMOTIONS! If she won't let you go with her, and won't stop... then..... there's the freaking door! Drop you key on the coffee table on your way out. ..... and here's your suitcase.... don't forget it. You'll need when you find a place to stay.

 

C

[NewAndScared 15]

You still have not told us how you feel.

 

1. Horrible churning in the pit of your stomach and dizzyness.

 

2. Excited but feeling ashamed.

 

3. Used and tired.

 

4. Excited but left out.

 

?????????????????

[nexteltx 15]

Honestly...I do feel excited but that flickers out when I think that she may not be doing that to excite me...I'm almost absolutly sure she is doing this as a kind of excitement and for her to feel desired...I feel kinda worthless when I ask her to spend time with me...I feel that maybe I've created this monster, by bringing it up...I would feel better if I knew for certain this was something for us, not a game for her...She said she was going to take pictures...I told her to do it here so I could do the whole "closet" thing she said no...I just have a sneaking suspision that if I let her go thinking that it still is for us...I think it'll backfire something fierce...

 

I do appreciate all your time...I do need all the help and informatiion I can get...

 

One other thing...why is it that my wife with someone would interest me...what the f' is that about...

[nexteltx 15]

Does the pictures thing...make it for us...?

[EvilMJ 65]

Talk about total non communication!! Guess what you aren't swinging! Your wife is going out and having a great time without you, and then telling you about it after the fact as if that is her little get out of jail free card.

 

I say this time and time again, swinging is about BOTH Of you having fun, if you are not having fun, then why are you doing it!!!!

 

To me swinging is something that we do together, there are no long conversations with someone else in the wee hours of the morning, there are no 'dates', there are no suprise blow jobs.

 

You need to sit your wife down and talk to her. Tell her what you want and don't want. If you don't want her to go it alone, then tell her so, set out the ground rules. If she cannot accept you playing as a couple, then you shouldn't play at all..remember your marriage should always come first.

[NewAndScared 15]

I will let someone else answer the why you want someone else with your wife.

 

You seem to keep trying to justify her actions by assuming that you caused them. You have been manipulated into a position of submission. You have already began to doubt your worth to her and feeling sexually inferior. This is not healthy for you. You will start to become depressed and soon angry. I fear if a resolution is not found soon, we will be reading about you in the newspaper for harming her or her new “friends”.

[TeamSoBe 36]

I just have a sneaking suspision that if I let her go thinking that it still is for us...I think it'll backfire something fierce...

Yes. Promote that feeling from a sinking suspicion to a confirmed likelihood. If she really is under the impression that it's exciting you and it really isn't then yes it really will backfire and it won't necessarily be her fault when that happens.

 

One other thing...why is it that my wife with someone would interest me...what the f' is that about...

There's nothing wrong with that. I love my wife and I love watching my wife fuck. I love thinking about other guys wanting her. All of that is normal enough and it can be a fun and positive thing if you go about it carefully. You are so very not alone in having those feelings and there's nothing wrong with them.

[nexteltx 15]

Well swingers we aren't....the thing is it doesn't interest me in playing with another woman....I mean I would if she wanted that, but for me I like to see my wife be sexual....She knows this we've talked about it a million times about mfm's n' whatnot....

 

 

I'm sorry I know I must be confusing the hell outta all of you...AAAHHH

[Guest CandPinSA]

One other thing...why is it that my wife with someone would interest me...what the f' is that about...

 

Well, I don't know how to answer that for you... but for me, to be honest with you, first let me say.... neither of us are in the least willing to do anything without the other there... For me there's some safety reason for that... My wife is a very small woman (only 5') and very petite.... a midget could overpower her easily. Second we won't play alone because we agree that this for our mutual enjoyment, so if it's mutual, it needs to be done together (mutually)

 

As for him being with my wife (although the 3rd is primarily for me, being bi and all), I do get enjoyment from the thought of seeing her with another guy.... the reason, for me at lease, is that as I do love her with all my heart, I TRULY get very excited and happy seeing her getting all the pleasure she can... and she feels the same for me. One of the most exciting and erotic things for me is knowing how turned on she is. I love to see the one I love truly totally horney. And if a 3rd can do that for both of us... all the better. However, in your case, HE'S NOT A 3RD.... he's "the other man"... and you're not there.

 

C

[NewAndScared 15]

Well swingers we aren't....the thing is it doesn't interest me in playing with another woman....I mean I would if she wanted that, but for me I like to see my wife be sexual....She knows this we've talked about it a million times about mfm's n' whatnot....

 

 

I'm sorry I know I must be confusing the hell outta all of you...AAAHHH[/quote

 

This is also an issue because of your age. You both too young. She wants to see what she missed out on. She has already run you over. Let me see if I can peg this.

 

She does not work or works and hourly part-time job. You work a 30K or less wage but work very hard. You are 5'8" and a little skinny. She is 5'6ish and a little heavy. She tells you when and if you go out with your friends. When she is out having her fun, you are watching the kids.......

 

Am I close?

[nexteltx 15]

I'm 25 she's 23....

[nexteltx 15]

Shit...! So you got me pegged...Can I curse in this forum...I'm on the verge of breaking some kinda forum rules...

 

So I guess the answers here in front of me...But somehow possibly couldn't this be not as bad as it seems, or I think, or you all think...

[NewAndScared 15]

Shit...! So you got me pegged...Can I curse in this forum...I'm on the verge of breaking some kinda forum rules...

 

So I guess the answers here in front of me...But somehow possibly couldn't this be not as bad as it seems, or I think, or you all think...

 

I would bet at your age this is unrecoverable. You feel used and ashamed now but rightfully excited. This will turn into anger and resentment as time goes on. You will start to look for your own “friends”. This will only confuse you more because of your since of loyalty and morality. Soon the bitter fights start and she is spending more and more time away from the home. I wish I had better news but I have seen this played out many times. There are a few optimists on this site that will try to tell you that she will move away from this faze of her life. The problem is that the damage to you is already done.

[TeamSoBe 36]

But somehow possibly couldn't this be not as bad as it seems, or I think, or you all think...

You never did say clearly even to us that you want her to stop. I continue to think that it means that you don't want her to stop.

 

You also aren't really insisting on being there, which I'm taking to mean that you enjoy the idea of her doing something away from you and then hearing about the details later.

 

MAN can I really really relate to that. When I was about your age my girlfriend and I lived in different zip codes and we had the same thing going on. We gave each other control by mentioning it in advance and asking permission, then we would do things separately, then the minute after it happened we'd write these long, detailed erotic stories and email them and then talk on the phone about it. It was really damned hot and we both enjoyed it. There was a time when only she was getting any and there was a time when only I was getting any, and it was all fun.

 

We communicated with each other a lot more clearly than the two of you. That's the part that I would suggest changing. Also stop feeling bad for enjoying everything that's happening, it's perfectly natural. There is no reason for you to feel confused about the fact that you're into it. Stop wasting time on that part of what you're feeling.

[nexteltx 15]

This is a confusing event for me...I like the idea of it...When it's for us, for our shits and giggles so to say...I don't like the fact that she's spending so much time into the personal side, while ignoring me it makes me feel like she considers it a relationship or some kind of attachment...

 

I will say that so far she has been brutally honest...I say this for the fact that I check her cell phone and computer conversations...I cannot however vouch for her telephone conversations being I'm usually at work or asleep...

 

And as much as I don't want to when I hear the details I won't lie it does excite me a little...Even though this isn't the exact kind of situation I had in mind and had told her about...The trouble for me is that I'm not sure this is pure sexual...If it were I wouldn't be here right now looking for advice...I'm not sure that this is for us, even though she always insists that it is...

 

I can't test the waters anymore...I can't hold off any longer, some action or inaction is nesscary before Saturday...I need to know what her reasons she has for this and what her objective is...

 

Do the pictures mean she's doing it for us...

or

Does her seemingly nonstop personal interaction with him mean it's something more...

[NewAndScared 15]

Last time.....If this is a troll it is a very good one. Surrender

 

She has a relationship with this guy. I would be more worried about what you don't know about.......

[Guest CandPinSA]

Last time.....If this is a troll it is a very good one.

 

Yeah... I'm beginning to smell troll droppings around the bend.

[TeamSoBe 36]

I can't test the waters anymore...I can't hold off any longer, some action or inaction is nesscary before Saturday...I need to know what her reasons she has for this and what her objective is...

You're entitled to give her the option of keeping the adventures and opening them up to you or keeping you and giving up the adventures, if that's what you want. If the guy who she's setting up for Saturday can't handle it being threesome instead of just a date then her responsibility would be to pick you and call it off, and then maybe find a next guy who can handle having a threesome. If she says 'but no it has to be THIS guy and he doesn't want you around' then you have a relationship threat on your hands.

[TeamSoBe 36]

Yeah... I'm beginning to smell troll droppings around the bend.

Some trolls are fun even if they're fakers. This guy's situation has happened to me for real and chatting about the memories was fun even if he's full of shit.

[NewAndScared 15]

It has kept me entertained and wound up for the last few hours.

[nexteltx 15]

Well fuck that...I came here to fucking air out what I can't ask of anyone...not my friends not my family, not my coworkers...I wanted advice and I thought you all gave good advice...I don't know anything about this kinda shit other then occasionally talking 'bout it with my wife...if i have to fucking clarify it a hundred times in this topic and ask the same questions...you could fucking help me or not fucking open this damn topic...all i wanted here was someone to talk to...

[TeamSoBe 36]

...all i wanted here was someone to talk to...

You have someone to talk to. She's at home talking to somebody else on the Internet.

[NewAndScared 15]

Well fuck that...I came here to fucking air out what I can't ask of anyone...not my friends not my family, not my coworkers...I wanted advice and I thought you all gave good advice...I don't know anything about this kinda shit other then occasionally talking 'bout it with my wife...if i have to fucking clarify it a hundred times in this topic and ask the same questions...you could fucking help me or not fucking open this damn topic...all i wanted here was someone to talk to...

 

I think we found his anger point. What ever happens, DONT hit her. Remember she is the mother of your child.

[nexteltx 15]

I don't find physical abuse funny...I don't think it's funny to bring children into a discussion...and the only fucking reason i'm on the computer right now is cause she's not home...

 

You think you might be able to show me another side to this and fucking help a guy out...then I would appreciate it...if not...if all you want to do is be sarcastic then theres no purpose in replying here...

 

if people have nothing better to do than try and be cool on the fucking internet...then I feel sorry for them

[LOL_OMG 130]

I'm not of the opinion that you should simply kick her out and get a divorce. After all, you have a family and a child here. My guess would be that her self esteem kind of took a dip after the baby when she put on some weight, and having some guy pay attention to her is a bit of an ego boost. It also seems that you're not quite the "take charge" guy, and if she whines enough she can do whatever she wants.

You need to talk together, serious talk with no child to interrupt and no booze involved. Let her know that what's going on is NOT okay.

[2jersey 16]

I don't find physical abuse funny...I don't think it's funny to bring children into a discussion...and the only fucking reason i'm on the computer right now is cause she's not home...

 

You think you might be able to show me another side to this and fucking help a guy out...then I would appreciate it...if not...if all you want to do is be sarcastic then theres no purpose in replying here...

 

if people have nothing better to do than try and be cool on the fucking internet...then I feel sorry for them

 

You have received plenty of good legitimate advice on this board. If you have your priorities straight, you will look past the innuendo, remain calm, and use this advice to your advantage. Good luck!

[NewAndScared 15]

I don't find physical abuse funny...I don't think it's funny to bring children into a discussion...and the only fucking reason i'm on the computer right now is cause she's not home...

 

You think you might be able to show me another side to this and fucking help a guy out...then I would appreciate it...if not...if all you want to do is be sarcastic then theres no purpose in replying here...

 

if people have nothing better to do than try and be cool on the fucking internet...then I feel sorry for them

 

 

Surrender

 

I give. Your child should be a part of the resolution because you are a family not just a couple of kids anymore. Good luck in your endeavers.

 

Surrender

[Guest CandPinSA]

Well fuck that...I came here to fucking air out what I can't ask of anyone...not my friends not my family, not my coworkers...I wanted advice and I thought you all gave good advice...I don't know anything about this kinda shit other then occasionally talking 'bout it with my wife...if i have to fucking clarify it a hundred times in this topic and ask the same questions...you could fucking help me or not fucking open this damn topic...all i wanted here was someone to talk to...

 

Ok, I'll give it the benefit of the doubt and assume this isn't some sort of troll...

 

Look man... here's the thing. No on here can truly tell you what to do. We've all answered your question very clearly. You (the 2 of you) aren't swinging at the very least. At least not as I understand and define it. It envolves total and complete agreement on the activities...which as you yourself have stated... is not what is happening. You don't agree with what is happening. At the very least, you need to both sit down and discuss what's going on. Discuss your problems with it. Discuss her problems with not including you. Find out why it HAS to be this weekend with THIS guy. If it's the same guy she's seeing all the time, then there is likely more there than some casual recreational sex. If she won't include you then she's hiding something.... or the other guy can't handle it, in which case, he needs to be out of the picture. This needs to be made clear. To HIM AND HER. If he can't play with both of you, he can't play. That needs to be made clear to both HIM AND HER.

 

Assuming this is not some sort of troll post.... then take all the advice and comments given here, which are not going to change from one to the next really... and work with that. If you don't like what we've said here, which I could understand (no one wants to be told they're in a situation that is very dangerous and destructive to their relationship), then reposting the same question hoping for a different answer is also understandable... but understand that there aren't many swingers I've ever heard of or known who would disagree with any of the assessments we've given here. Also... it may just be that if you can find some way to justify what's happening as swinging, and it is something that is making you as uncomfortable as you obviously are, then swinging is NOT for you guys... at least not at this particular time in your relationship. If on the other hand it is all as you have described it... then she is cheating on you.... whether it is the extra sex she wants or something else altogether.... that's just the way I think everyone here is going to see it. At least I (and my wife) see it that way.

 

Sincerely,

Mr. C

[nexteltx 15]

Well I have to go pick her up from work...I know I got alot of good advice...It's just overwhelming a little...Uh it's just a little hurtful to sense the direction this is headed and I was just looking for anyone's and everyone's advice...Anything that I could point out for someone to say "It's all good" to remove this weight...I don't think I'll say anything tonight...

 

Oh and the marriage is like half and half we both have respect as far as that...I'm certain that if I approached her and asked her to stop I believe she would...I just don't want to do that if I'm over-reacting...Anyway Thanks to those who didn't make light of the situation...

[TeamSoBe 36]

I don't think I'll say anything tonight...

You obviously don't really want her to stop.

[Guest CandPinSA]

Well I have to go pick her up from work...I know I got alot of good advice...It's just overwhelming a little...Uh it's just a little hurtful to sense the direction this is headed and I was just looking for anyone's and everyone's advice...Anything that I could point out for someone to say "It's all good" to remove this weight...I don't think I'll say anything tonight...

 

Oh and the marriage is like half and half we both have respect as far as that...I'm certain that if I approached her and asked her to stop I believe she would...I just don't want to do that if I'm over-reacting...Anyway Thanks to those who didn't make light of the situation...

 

If you're still around.... have her get on this website and read read read read read read, especially the New Swingers and the FAQ forums. There's A LOT of information there, including very detailed descriptions of what swingers consider swinging and cheating. Mrs. P and I know this well... we ARE new to experiencing the lifestyle, but before engaging in any activities, we've been reading these forums quite a bit and getting all the information we can. It has helped us greatly to understand many questions we had.

 

Mr C

[NewAndScared 15]

Just have her read what you just told us!

 

head bang

[Guest CandPinSA]

I'm certain that if I approached her and asked her to stop I believe she would...

 

Obviously, no she wouldn't. As your original post points out. See below:

 

On Monday she asked me again and after 4 times of saying no she wouldn’t let up so I said okay whatever…

 

She didn't stop when you said flad out "NO" 4 times.

 

Anyway Thanks to those who didn't make light of the situation...

 

No one here makes light of a situation like this that I am aware. In fact, no swingers I've ever know or read of make light of cheating at all. Nor do they make light of others in a relationship experiencing the kind of problems you described. There may have been some light banter going on, but trust me, no one takes it lightly... I'm sure.

 

Absolutely very sincerely,

Mr. C AND Mrs. P

[slolrner 15]

He may have made light of it but the best advise so far has been:

You say that "she's planning to meet again this Saturday night but for actual intercourse…" In other words, she's sort of "lifting her leg in the direction of your furniture," but she hasn't actually started spraying the sofa yet. Now's the time you have to make some noise! In as loud and authoritative voice as you can muster, tell her, "NO!...STOP!" and wave a rolled-up newspaper at her. Sure, it will startle her. She may even try to do it again a few moments later, at which time you repeat the commands "NO! STOP!" over again. Repeat as often as necessary.

 

Like it or not you will have to be the man here, it is your responsibility to let this puppy know what is acceptable behavior and what is not. In my mind craping all over the house is not acceptable behavior, and it will get worse if you don't stop it now.

 

JnCC great post

[intuition897 2,179]

Okay, I've read through the entire thread (WOW! I can't believe how many responses to this in only a day), and nexteltx you have received some pretty good advice. I don't know if you are a troll or not, and I don't care. Please don't take offense at the insinuation; we get a few trolls every now and then here, trying to stir shit up and prove some unfathomable point. :rollseyes Anyway, I'm just going to answer your post seriously, because sooner or later, troll or no some other guy out there is going to come to this board and be dealing with this exact same dilemma.

 

Your wife is manipulating you. The world is just a-revolvin' around her right now, and the only reason she would care about others' feelings on the matter is because NOT caring about other people is a bad thing...and she doesn't want to be a bad person. Because HER quality of life is what is most important to her. Being nice to other people (ie: you) means she gets to be able to say that she is a kind and generous person. Ultimately, this desire to be a good person, a good planetary citizen, is rooted in her vanity, in her ego.

 

I recognize it, because I used to be this way. Oh yeah, I was a selfish bitch. Mr. intuition finally gave me a reality check when he handed me back my ring and said it didn't mean anything to him anymore. To this day we don't wear wedding bands, because to us, they're symbolic of the old view we had of marriage, where we felt we owned a piece of one another somehow. I don't own any part of that amazing man. I refuse to bind him to me. I, instead, am attaching myself to HIS life, not trying to attach him to MINE. My life is forfeit. I don't give a damn anymore if I ever get all those things I dreamed about. I could live in a shack without running water, and die a happy woman...as long as I know that this is the life that is best for HIM. Whither thou goest, my love, I will go.

 

nexteltx, this is the kind of love you need. It's the kind of relationship you both deserve. Scrap the marriage. Throw out the old way, because it sure as shit isn't working for you. Have an epiphany, grab your moment, take BACK the life you are squandering on complacency and be the man you've always known you could be. Stop treating your wife like she's your wife, and start treating her like the adult she's supposed to be. If she's not adult enough to handle caring about someone else more than she cares about her own self, then she's not ready for an adult relationship as serious as marriage. Period.

 

Don't wait. I wasted 9 years of my life...of Mr. intuition's life...not treating him the way he should be treated, not feeling the love that was right there - right fucking there! - for the taking. And every moment of those 9 years is a moment I cannot get back. I regret that bitterly, because the way I feel now...this feeling is so big...there aren't enough moments left in one lifetime to do it justice. She's right there. Giving her your still-beating heart on a silver platter to do with what she will, while asking her to please, please not hurt you, is probably the stupidest thing you could do. But you know what? Nobody ever said love was easy. If you want it, if you really want it, this is exactly what she needs you to do. And make sure she understands the gravity of this thing you are giving her.

 

This probably didn't make sense to anyone...

[Alura 2,774]

The best way to tell her how you feel, Nexteltx, may be to bring her here and let her read this thread.

 

Both of you need to listen to each other better. When you think something may be a "joke," ask, "Are you joking?" Make sure you really want her to do what whe suggests before you grant permission.

 

Unless you really like hearing the story afterwards, my guess is that you need to solve this problem as early as you can... which is now.

 

Mr. Alura