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hrnycoupl414

We had our first swinging experience, and don't think it is for us...

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Mr. Hrnycpl here. I had to tell someone, so i figured this was the right place. We had our first "encounter" over this past weekend, and to be totally honest, I don't think this lifestyle is for us, mostly me. My sister offered to take our son overnight, so with that in mind, we figured we would visit wifeys sister and go out and have some fun. She lives a couple of hours away, and we usually take our son with us to see his auntie, but with the sitter already arranged, we figured we would go out and have some fun (and be able to sleep in the following morning).

 

This is a bit of a long read.

 

Ok, cut to how we ended up with our encounter. We went to a local bar that sister-in-law frequents. We had been there once before and were very comfortable there because of the nice people there. Well, one couple we had become friendly with on the last visit, knew that there was a possibility of some sort of swapping. Needless to say we hit it off with them after the first visit (nothing happened then), so with this second meeting we were even more comfortable. So we are at a bar, so obviously we are drinking and shooting pool (looser buys a round of Cuervo shots for the 4 of us), and we all get to that friendly feel good part of drinking....really nice buzz, borderlining on flat out drunk, which is not really a problem since we don't drink all that often. But we were cutting loose for an evening, so we figured that we owed it to ourselves to have some fun.

 

Well the night goes on and we continue to have a really great time with sis-in-law and our new friends up until the bar closes. Soon before the bar closes, sis-in-law leaves to go home and we are pretty much right behind her. Wifey is pretty drunk, but very coherent. She's your typical fun drinker who loves everyone the more she drinks. So all night, she's flashing her boobs at people and just having a fun time. So I go to check on sis-in-law (she was waiting for us in the car talking on cell phone) and let her know that we would be home later (she knows of our curiosity with the lifestyle). So wifey rides with the guy in the couple. He is "D" and she is "T". Anyway, as I was leaving the bar to go check on sis-in-law, i tell wifey, that she can kiss D if she wants to (they had already invited us back to their place). When I come back into the bar, she's making out with D. No problem, except for T is saying to wifey, that its not fair, and that if she keeps kissing her husband, that she will have to kiss me. T goes ahead and kiss me (it was ok, nothing to write home about though). This goes on for a few minutes and then we decide to leave the bar. I go and ride with T and we are talking, you know, general conversation. We get to their house and T pays their sitter and the sitter leaves. No sooner had the door closed behind the babysitter, and wifey was behind T, kissing her neck and rubbing her boobs.

 

The rest just seemed to happen really fast. We make our way back to their bedroom and wifey sits on the bed. D starts kissing wifey again and has his hand down the front of her pants. I start kissing T and she quickly gets my pants down and goes into giving me a blowjob. I look up and D has moved down to remove wifeys pants and underwear and is giving her oral. T stops blowing me and goes to help D with the oral on wifey. That goes on for a few minutes, while at the same time, T is stroking my cock. Then she goes back to blowing me and D gets into a 69 with wifey. I get T's pants and underwear off and go to give her oral. She suggests going into another room. I agree. Well she sits on follows me out, and puts in a "movie." Well she turns around so I can have her from behind and i get a few strokes into it and then I go limp.....damn brain. I start thinking. I can hear wifey getting the crap pounded out of her and she's moaning. So I figure that hell, at least one of us can get some action. T keeps trying to get me hard again, but by now, I am freaked out and even more nervous than I originally was. So she walks me back to wifey and tells D to let us have some time alone....well, the damage was already done for me. I couldn't get it back up. So now i am sitting there and wifey's face is buried in the bed. I am saying that she needs to get up so we can leave (silently freaking the hell out now!). I can hear D and T going at it in their living room. D comes back to see if he can get another run at wifey, and I tell him not just yet, so he goes back out to T and finishes with her. The entire time I am just trying to get wifey up so we can get dressed and leave. But she was pretty drunk still and wouldn't move. Well, after what seemed like forever, she finally moved and slowly got dressed and we said our goodbyes and left. She asked me was I mad, and I wasn't, I was just freaked out that I got nervous, and that she was soo drunk that she wouldn't move for a while.

 

We got lost driving home and when we finally did get back to sis-in-laws house, it was close to 5am. Wifey goes to pee and I go in the bathroom to wash my face. Well, now I have no problem getting it up, so I banged wifey against the sink for what seemed like forever. Then we moved to the spare bedroom where we kept going at it. But eventually wifey was sooo tired that she just had me stop, because she could barely keep her eyes open.

 

She left the room to go sleep on the couch (it was a twin bed in the spare room) and I slept on the spare bed. Well tried to sleep. I woke up at about 9:30 am and realized that my cell phone and wallet had fallen out of my pockets at D and T's house. So now I am back to freaking out again and I go wake wifey to tell her. She can see that I am freaked out, and asks me whats wrong. Turns out that she was sooo drunk, she doesn't remember getting it on with D. So I gave her the rundown of the past evening's events. Now she's not freaked out, just surprised at what went down. We realized that if we have to get that drunk to actually do anything, then we probably shouldn't be doing anything to begin with. My penis won't let me do anything that I am not ready for, therefore he goes limp when I think too much. And thats what happened. If we had all stayed in the same room, i probably wouldn't have had a chance to think, but I got up and went into another room, which gave me a chance to think, and therefore couldn't keep an erection. I was really embarassed and freaked out all at the same time. I can't stop thinking about what happened though. Like it was a turn on, and a turn off all at the same time.

 

Wifey knows me very very well, and could tell i was bothered by something, so I explained to her what was going on with me. Thats when we decided that it was probably a good idea for us to just have that one experience and keep it at that.

 

Lots of things just didn't go as planned. We had agreed that since she's curious about being with another woman, that I would just watch. Well other than some kissing, thats the extent of her interaction with another woman. We also had agreed (when we were sober) that she and the other woman would experience each other and that the men would watch until invited to join. Well with us being drunk, none of that happened, and all the rules we thought we had in place, kind of went out the window.

 

I just feel a bit guilty because if I hadn't given her the green light to kiss D, that none of this would have happened. I mean, it was fun at first, but now I am not so sure if it was a good idea.

 

Am I having normal thoughts and feelings? Because it was fun in the beginning, but in the end, it wasn't. I mean, wifey was supposed to finally see what its like to be with another woman, and she really didn't get that opportunity.

 

Fortunately, D and T are a cool couple and we could probably still hang out with them without any sexual interaction. At least thats the vibe I got the next day when we had to get my wallet and cell phone back. I think what freaks me out the most is the lack of control that we used in that situation.

 

Sorry for the long read....but I just had to get it off of my chest.

 

Any comments or insight is completely welcome. I would love to hear what anyone here has to say about our experience.

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Am I having normal thoughts and feelings?

 

Yep...

 

In many ways, this was just like our first experience. We didn't separate and we weren't as drunk as you two seemed to have been - but much of the rest is the same.

 

You both need to step back - reasess your feelings about the lifestyle - and if you decide to try again, learn from your many mistakes this time around (less alcohol, same room play next time, more discretion, etc.)

 

The lifestyle is about mistakes - they are inevitable. Bad experiences are par for the course - it is how we come up with our best rules, frankly. But - this may be very much a sign that the lifestyle isn't for you. There is nothing wrong with that. Better to find a new hobby than a new wife :D

 

Spoomonkey

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It's kind of like when you first learned to drive. Just because you made a lot of mistakes didn't mean driving wasn't for you,.. it just meant you were a new driver. Same thing with swinging. As you go along, you'll probably find youself in some sticky situations, and perhaps the lifestyle really isn't for you, but it sounds like you guys got a little ahead of yourselves and your original rules. I think nearly every couple in the lifestyle has had some similar situation, especially early on. It's not fun, which is why we've decided that we won't let it happen again.

 

The one thing that we've learned is if it feels like it's happening too fast for you, then slow down. Most playmates will understand, and if they don't......oh well! But, the playmates won't know how you're feeling unless you communicate it to them.

 

Really, this just sounds like a newbie mistake. Nothing to beat yourself up over. Just learn from it and move on.

 

Pepper

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Am I the only one that realized from the way this story was sounding that they were both flat out drunk when they drove home? :nono:

 

Got lost on the way home eh? At least you made it home alive.

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Thanks for the replies girls and guys. I don't know if I will get up my nerve to try again. I am easily traumatized (sp?) when my "unit" fails. Thanks to the kind replies here, i do feel better about things. If we do, I think that we will be a LOT slower and a LOT more careful (not nearly as many drinks or shots). And yeah, we were still drunk when we drove home. Not something we normally do, but with me freaking out, all I wanted to do was get out of there before anything else embarassing happened. Not the smartest thing I have ever done, and definitely something i am not proud of.

 

If the situation does present itself again, we will just go slow, because up until my "failure," we were having a really good time. Fortunately, I think this is a couple we could still remain friends with, and not have to take our clothes off.

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Thanks for the replies girls and guys. I don't know if I will get up my nerve to try again. I am easily traumatized (sp?) when my "unit" fails. Thanks to the kind replies here, i do feel better about things. If we do, I think that we will be a LOT slower and a LOT more careful (not nearly as many drinks or shots). And yeah, we were still drunk when we drove home. Not something we normally do, but with me freaking out, all I wanted to do was get out of there before anything else embarassing happened. Not the smartest thing I have ever done, and definitely something i am not proud of.

 

If the situation does present itself again, we will just go slow, because up until my "failure," we were having a really good time. Fortunately, I think this is a couple we could still remain friends with, and not have to take our clothes off.

 

 

Unit failure seems to be a VERY common problem with new swingers. I'd love to tell you I had the same problem and how I fixed it, but I'd be lying, thats never been an issue for us.

 

What is an issue is we screwed up and did seperate rooms our first time, and I was so worried about what the wife was doing that I rushed what I was doing, most likely seemed like a jerk, and prob ruined what could have been long term friends. We all made mistakes, some we didn't even know where mistakes until much later. I still smack myself in the forehead for that one.

 

So while your experiance seems pretty awful, it wasn't awful because of swinging, but because of the mistakes you made in too much to drink, seperate rooms, going to fast, etc.

 

It doesn't sound like jealousy or the like is your problem here (and I had a bit of that too) so I wouldn't give up but just live and learn from it.

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Don't be to freaked out. The issues you had are not completely uncommon, and it sounds like you and your wife are working through what happened. From my perspective here is some things that went wrong.

 

First, too much to drink. It really impaired your judgement (as you figured out) and it can also play a huge roll in maintaining your erection.

 

Second, playing seperate your first time. All was pretty cool when you could see your wife, but not knowing what's going on and hearing her going at it can be a pretty daunting thing. That certainly didn't help with your performance.

 

By the way, performance anxiety is not uncommon. If you decide to continue in the Lifestyle you will find it fades away as you become more comfortable.

 

It sounds like "T" was pretty sensitive to this fact. "D" might have been thinking with the little head too much, but he backed-off and didn't push it further. It sounds like they handled it pretty well themselves.

 

I don't know if swinging will be for you in the future or not, but it doesn't sound like it isn't a possibility. You had it pretty well worked-out, but a little too much liquid courage fogged your judgement and you lost sight of the prize. If there is a next time (and from what you wrote I think there will be :rolleyes: ) stay allot more sober and stay in control. Stay together and enjoy the experience together. You've done nothing wrong, just a newbie mistake tha is very correctable.

 

Good luck, and thanks for sharing your experience.

 

Mr. WS

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I think you wrote a great post and did a fine job of explaining your evening.

 

What I first noticed is that there was no anger, no blaming, in your post. You and your wife seem to mutually feel that your first swing was off course and not as you both had hoped. You're in agreement. That's great! :D To me, this is a sign that continuing to pursue swinging could probably work for you.

 

You experienced some of the most common discoveries people make with their first swing: 1) Drank too much and shouldn't have. 2) Played in different rooms. 3) Didn't stick to your original guidelines.

 

Number 1 is easy, don't drink so much next time.

 

Number 2 is easy, stay in the same room until you become more experienced and comfortable with playing separately, if you do decide to even try separate rooms again.

 

Number 3 is easy too, it is natural to find yourself changing plans on the spur. What is great with you two is that you both agreed to those changes when they occured. The guidelines you start with are usually changed and updated with experience.

 

Please don't give up. Take a time out. Discuss every feeling you have, you'll feel better and will likely be ready to try swinging again. That's my guess.

 

Oh, and failing to keep an erection up when starting out is so common that you shouldn't give that another thought. :kissface:

 

LM

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I am not knowledgeable in the lifestyle as many of you are, but I can say one thing. Driving drunk is a terrible idea, someone can die, and having your first swing experience while being that drunk is almost as bad. This experience tells me you two must have a good marriage to come out of it the way you have, but how can you assess your ability to swing when you were under the influence that heavily.

I would say you shouldn't totally abandon the idea, just use a limited alcohol rule before you ever consider a little extracurriculal activity again.

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Your thoughts and feelings are normal. Let me ask you..

 

Why do you feel it isn't for your?

 

Do you really think you HAD to get drunk to swing? Or is that just the way it went down this time?

 

Were either of you upset or jealous about what happened?

 

Swinging isn't for everyone but don't let one experience that didn't go the way you expected (and this is why we always say don't have expectations - because things NEVER go the way you expect) let you decide that the whole thing is not for you. If swinging is something you are still interested in, then examine what it was about the night that you didn't care for and don't let things go that way again.

 

Drinking: If swinging might even be a possibility you should not let yourselves get drunk. And when you don't drink often it takes even less to get you drunk. If you are so drunk that you can't remember what you did the next day then you are way too drunk to be having sex with anyone.

 

Seperate Rooms: This definately isn't for everyone. Examine how this was for you. Did you feel like you were missing something?

 

Going Soft: There are two major causes for this in your story and I'd bet that the bigger one was the alchohol but that the situation (the newness of it) didn't help at all either.

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Hi Mr. Hornycpl, I agree with all of the great advice you got.

 

Drinking definitely impairs many things, including your ability to guide things the way you want them to go, and very much with your ability to maintain an erection. I think that sober, going slowly, starting soft with FF and same-room, you two could have an entirely different experience. Until you feel more sure and comfortable about your erections (one of your main concerns), you could even limit the intercourse to your own spouse for as long as you need and want to.

 

It's very common and normal for newbies to let the other couple lead the way. The other couple led and directed all of the action, location and pace, and you both went along with everything their way. Nothing wrong with what they did, it just wasn't the best way for you.

 

If you and your wife spent time communicating together what you'd both prefer as a couple, and then talking it over with the other couple (and any future couples) ahead of time, things can go much better and more to your liking. In the Lifestyle, couples are continually talking about all of their experiences and honing their preferences, what it is they most like or dislike. They're evolving together, in other words.

 

Best wishes to you! :)

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I would just like to add a little to some already great posts. It does seem like the people you met were pretty decent people. I especially like what T did when you were having issues, and brought you back to your wife.

 

Our first experience could have been much the same. We had invited a couple we had previously met to our place, and I'm pretty sure it was from nerves but the martinis were going down way too quickly for me. Mr LOL noticed I was over the line and wouldn't let things progress past some petting. He explained things to everyone there, "It's not that we don't like you both, but I want her to swing and not the booze." Everyone was very cool with it....the next time we got together was much better and I remembered everything the next day. YAY for my baby :)

 

Mrs LOL

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First time I did it I was in a hurry as I wanted to watch my wife get it. That caused some disappointment with the other wife I should have been giving attention to and made erection take some time to get. :confused: I was also nervous about how my wife would react to her first time out as he was only the second person to get into her after me. :eek:

 

Now that is past you and you both know that the other had fun but with some issues, yours erection and her not being sober enough to have remembered the fun, you can learn and move ahead of you want. :rolleyes:

 

Take your time next time and don't drink. If she wants to, ok but someone should stay sober is our rule and alcohol is not your "buddy's" friend when nerves kick in. Also so it is better to have one person as the designated driver. :nono:

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I can tell you that from your post, MrsVan and I made almost all of those mistakes in our first or second encounters, with the exception of seperate room play.

 

Now, I just don't drink when we are going to play. I might have a beer or two, but nothing more than that. MrsVan is the same way, she might have a glass or two of wine, but we both want to enjoy the experience and well, we just plain didn't enjoy it that much when we were so drunk.

 

Staying hard is another issue. If you do a search you will find that this topic is often discussed on this board, and I even started one myself. :D I have no answer for you here. I have tried to work on my own issues and for me, it just appears as I grow more comfortable with the other couple then I don't seem to have as many issues.

 

All in all, I don't think that I would call this quits so quickly. You and your wife appear to be doing the right things at this moment. As others have already said, just slow down, talk alot more and then really take your time during you next encounter.

 

Good luck!

 

-Van

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WOW! I didn't expect this many replies. Thank you to everyone who contributed! Well I got home from work and wifey wasn't feeling too well. She said that she was just feeling "blah." I asked her if our activities this weekend were bothering her, and she said "a little bit." She couldn't remember what happened, and I think that is her main issue. Well I showed her my post and we read all of the replies together, and it has helped her as much as it has helped me. She's in bed right now, she was reading, but now she's having a text message conversation with "T" and it looks like we are going to be able to remain friends with them. We had only seen "D" after the encounter the next day when he brought me my wallet and cell phone. We were both a bit worried about how "T" was feeling after the whole ordeal, and from the looks of things, she's ok too!

 

You folks here have no clue as to how much you have helped the both us with all of your advice and kind words. We welcome all advice and comments. This was and still is a major learning experience for us. I don't know if we will ever make another attempt, but its reassuring to know that what we went through and how we are feeling is perfectly normal.

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Not something we normally do, but with me freaking out, all I wanted to do was get out of there before anything else embarassing happened.

 

Understandable. It's something that strikes a little nerve with me, and I'm sorry for being so rude about it in my post. In all honesty I might have done the same thing had it been my wife being unresponsive.

 

It just struck me as odd that some people (I'm speaking very generally now) will be so cautious about safe sex, drugs, hygiene, etc, and then Drive impaired. :(

 

I really do feel for your situation, and I hope you both work your way through it. Thoughts are with you.

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^^^No apologies necessary. I didn't even think you were being rude. I took it as genuine concern for our well-being, and as a suggestion to be a lot more careful in the future, whether swinging or not. I mean, none of us should have been driving when we left the bar, let alone their house. But we survived and no real harm was done...thankfullly.

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I hope I didn't seem too harsh with my comments about alcohol, I didn't mean them as judgemental. One thing I appreciate about this site is the lack of moralizing over sex. My concern was simply that I felt that you were seeing all the negative in the light of whether this lifestlye was for you rather than what really caused the experience to be so negative. Everything spelled disaster from being intoxicated rather than disaster about swinging. Hope you don't give up on it.

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Again, thanks to everyone who responded. Well, we have been reading the posts and have been talking a lot about things. Last night we realised that we want to give it another shot....and another.....and another.....LOL! IF the opportunity comes up again. We agreed that being as drunk as we were won't happen again, and that we will be sure to stay in the same room.

 

It was just funny, we looked at each other yesterday evening and we both are on the same page in our relationship and wanna give it another go and see if we can have a better time with it. Who are we kidding?!?! We are always horny, and wanna try it again!

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Let me just say that this thread has been absolutely fantastic to read!!

As someone who is recently single and looking for someone who may be interested in the lifestyle, this just reinforces why I love the idea of the lifestyle...the ability to enjoy the sexuality while at the same time the human aspect of jealousy, doubt, and conflict.

Clearly, alcohol played a huge part in the negative outcome. The good part is that is such an easy aspect to overcome.

You two seem to have the right attitude to become a part of the "community" and thrive in it!!

Best of luck, but overall, you don't seem to need it!

 

BTW, how do I find an openminded, rational woman that could be interested?

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Better to find a new hobby than a new wife :D

 

Spoomonkey

 

Now THAT statement, Mr. Monkey, should be required reading for those who just don't get it; some very good wisdom.

 

Mr. Little Bird

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To Mr. and Mrs. Horny,

Even though things didn't go well, and we're too new to offer advice, you guys really seem to be a good couple who have it together. Good communication is key, and mutual respect, too, and you two seem to have that.

Two Little Birds :):)

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I have to say that reading this post and the replies has been really useful to me.

 

I'm the male half of a couple contemplating swinging (am I the only one who doesn't really like that word? too many creepy connotations). I think that my girl and I both anticipate that for our first time, afterwards we will have to deal with some real, tough feelings. But we're both prepared to do that to reap the rewards -- a stronger relationship, a new, sexy way to express intimacy.

 

I was wondering; are there some couples that never permit "alone play?" From what I've been reading and thinking, that seems to be one of the biggest problem-causers.

 

Well, that plus booze (good advice THERE too, and on our first encounter, we'll be sure to limit the liquid courage!)

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(am I the only one who doesn't really like that word? [swinging] too many creepy connotations).

 

No, you're not the only one. I get images of crushed purple velvet, frilled shirts, bad teeth and even worse British accents. [shudder] Swing, baby, yeah!

 

I think that my girl and I both anticipate that for our first time, afterwards we will have to deal with some real, tough feelings. But we're both prepared to do that to reap the rewards -- a stronger relationship, a new, sexy way to express intimacy.

 

I was wondering; are there some couples that never permit "alone play?" From what I've been reading and thinking, that seems to be one of the biggest problem-causers.

 

Bad feelings afterward don't have to be a given. Deal with those feelings beforehand by digging in as deep as you can to root causes can rid you both of the insecurities that cause these issues in the first place. If you both go into the experience knowing where you stand with one another, how you feel about one another, and fully trusting one another to never knowingly hurt the other, you will find you will enjoy yourselves much more than if you didn't. The prep time is exhaustive, but it's worth every drop of blood, sweat and tears. Well. Maybe not blood. LOL. But the sweat and tears, definitely. Lots of heart-rending discussion (the tears) and lots of make-up sex (the sweat :D ). And a good rule of thumb: if it's not uncomfortable to talk about, chances are you're not digging deep enough.

 

And about "alone play", it's just my personal opinion, but I feel that it's something that couples should not attempt unless they have a good foundation of experience in the lifestyle. Not only can it be dangerous to a relationship (when the imagination runs amok because the relationship's integrity has not yet been tried-and-true), but there is also physical safety to consider. People get really weird when it comes to sex, and that 'perfect gentleman' facade you saw at the bar can disappear alarmingly fast behind a closed door. It's just another thing to consider.

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Wow, this is a really good thread. Just to agree with everyone else, a few things jumped out as things that weren't the best idea in hindsight:

 

1) Little too much to drink

2) Going separate room full swap your first time

 

But it sounds like while things didn't go perfect, they weren't horrible either. I agree that the best answer is just slow things down a bit, and don't separate until you've become 100% comfortable with it, as the above poster reccommended.

 

Also, if it makes the guys reading this feel any better, I also went limp on our first time alone with another couple. It was a little scary because I'm in my late 20s, healthy, and have never had any problems in that department. The ladies noticed and paid me some oral attention, which got things going but still wasn't what it should be. I thought it was the alcohol, but once the other couple left...BOOM...no problem! I then realized it was mostly due to nerves and things moving a little too fast without the normal foreplay.

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I have to say that reading this post and the replies has been really useful to me.

 

I'm the male half of a couple contemplating swinging (am I the only one who doesn't really like that word? too many creepy connotations).

No, I don't either, but there doesn't seem to be too many better ones. Wife swapping sounds even worse, I think.

 

I think that my girl and I both anticipate that for our first time, afterwards we will have to deal with some real, tough feelings. But we're both prepared to do that to reap the rewards -- a stronger relationship, a new, sexy way to express intimacy.

There sometimes is some stuff that comes up. In my case stuff I thought would bother me didn't, and stuff I didn't even think would, did. It's not the issues, it's how you work through them that defines a relationship.

 

I was wondering; are there some couples that never permit "alone play?" From what I've been reading and thinking, that seems to be one of the biggest problem-causers.

We do. But even alone play is together play for us. If Mrs. WS wants to play alone she asks me and gets my permission first. Same goes for me asking her. We just don't say "I'm going to go play with so-and-so... see ya'." Therefore we both have veto power if we wish. Also, we use the afterward to have great sex ourselves. Something about her being that naughty really gets me going. :D

 

Mr. WS

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No, you're not the only one. I get images of crushed purple velvet, frilled shirts, bad teeth and even worse British accents. [shudder] Swing, baby, yeah!

 

Oh good. I was worried that everyone else was just wild about it, and I was the only one who was a little turned off by its creepy 70's connotations. Let ALONE Austin Powers...

 

Bad feelings afterward don't have to be a given. Deal with those feelings beforehand by digging in as deep as you can to root causes can rid you both of the insecurities that cause these issues in the first place. If you both go into the experience knowing where you stand with one another, how you feel about one another, and fully trusting one another to never knowingly hurt the other, you will find you will enjoy yourselves much more than if you didn't.

 

I guess I don't mean hurting each other as much as just knowing that there will be some fears and insecurities brought up the first (few) time(s). I think we both expect this (and in fact the Swingers Board FAQ states it) so we're ready to do the work, because we think that with careful rules it will get less over time.

 

The prep time is exhaustive, but it's worth every drop of blood, sweat and tears. Well. Maybe not blood. LOL. But the sweat and tears, definitely. Lots of heart-rending discussion (the tears) and lots of make-up sex (the sweat :D ). And a good rule of thumb: if it's not uncomfortable to talk about, chances are you're not digging deep enough.

 

Well that doesn't really sound like WORK. Honestly, though, my girl and I are extremely open and honest with each other, and getting more so every day. We have deep, hours-long talks -- and not always about "easy" subjects. So while our communication isn't PERFECT (whose is?), it's pretty darned good. I think we both have realistic expectations about "the lifestyle" (which, to me, is a condom... *snort*) -- the good parts AND the (initially) uncomfortable parts.

 

And about "alone play", it's just my personal opinion, but I feel that it's something that couples should not attempt unless they have a good foundation of experience in the lifestyle. Not only can it be dangerous to a relationship (when the imagination runs amok because the relationship's integrity has not yet been tried-and-true), but there is also physical safety to consider. People get really weird when it comes to sex, and that 'perfect gentleman' facade you saw at the bar can disappear alarmingly fast behind a closed door. It's just another thing to consider.

 

Very good point. I think that we both have agreed that right now we're not ready to see the other disappear into a locked room with a stranger -- for so many reasons. We haven't shut the door; some day in the future, we may be comfortable with that. But at first, we're setting a strict "no alone play" rule that we won't relax until we both feel very comfortable about it.

 

You've got great, thought-provoking responses. Thanks!

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Hi seattlecpl06, welcome! Welcome

 

I'm the male half of a couple contemplating swinging (am I the only one who doesn't really like that word? too many creepy connotations).

 

Yeah, I wish there was a better word for it, too! It needs to be a verb. "The Lifestyle" doesn't usually fit in conversation. LOL

 

I was wondering; are there some couples that never permit "alone play?" From what I've been reading and thinking, that seems to be one of the biggest problem-causers.

 

Yes, many people prefer same-room. It's not necessarily about not permitting or allowing it, it's actually a preference for many of us. So, it doesn't have to be about level of experience or insecurities.

 

We are a same-room couple because for us, the biggest turn-on is seeing each other having sex. We just love to watch each other. We even prefer same-bed, because we like to be able to make eye contact, touch each other, kiss, engage in acts together and with the others at the same time. It's way more exciting for us that way. facelick

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Hay,don't stop swinging and enjoying yourself,we are fairly new also and you learn at each time. Yes being able to talk about the things you would like to change and yes have fun but I learned the hard way not to drink toooo much,takes away from the evening. Good Luck to you two and go have fun!!! Next time you will get hard if not my hubby takes a small pill when he needs it, has health problem sometimes keeps him hard and can't cum other times want get hard,so take it easy and see your doctor if it keeps up for a pill,it was just nerves oh that will pass. Good Luck and Happy Swinging!!

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Hi seattlecpl06, welcome! Welcome

 

Thank you kindly :) This seems like a good place.

 

Yeah, I wish there was a better word for it, too! It needs to be a verb. "The Lifestyle" doesn't usually fit in conversation. LOL

 

Yeah, it sounds kinda cult-ish when used too many times. "We're in the lifestyle. Have you heard of the lifestyle??? Hubby and I just started the lifestyle and we really love the lifestyle!!!" Eesh. Can't we just say we like to have sex with other people than our spouse/significant other and that our spouse/significant other shares and approves? Or is that too wordy? :lol:

 

Hmmmm...

 

Yes, many people prefer same-room. It's not necessarily about not permitting or allowing it, it's actually a preference for many of us. So, it doesn't have to be about level of experience or insecurities.

 

We are a same-room couple because for us, the biggest turn-on is seeing each other having sex. We just love to watch each other. We even prefer same-bed, because we like to be able to make eye contact, touch each other, kiss, engage in acts together and with the others at the same time. It's way more exciting for us that way. facelick

 

I could see that. I think that at first, the same-room "rule" will help to soothe any lingering fears or insecurities. I talked it over with the female half, and she agrees -- the THOUGHT of me going off with some hot woman and screwing her senseless makes her a little squirmy, but she said that if she was right there, watching it it wouldn't be scary. There's something, right now, about the thought that's worse than the real thing. In some ways it's like the imagination can run wild, and it makes things worse than they are.

 

Don't know if THAT makes sense!

 

Anyway, thanks again for the welcome :)

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There's something, right now, about the thought that's worse than the real thing. In some ways it's like the imagination can run wild, and it makes things worse than they are.

 

Don't know if THAT makes sense!

 

Makes perfect sense. Amazing how liberating it is when we discover that we are our own worst enemies, no? :)

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I'm the male half of a couple contemplating swinging (am I the only one who doesn't really like that word? too many creepy connotations).

 

Three Characters always come to mind when I hear/see that word:

 

1) Austin Powers (obviously)

2) "Disco Stu" from The Simpsons

3) Glen Quagmire from "Family Guy" ("Giggity Giggity!)

 

I think we need to come up with a "New Improved Word" for our little secret activity: Suggestions?

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Makes perfect sense. Amazing how liberating it is when we discover that we are our own worst enemies, no? :)

 

Some people would be depressed about learning that and continue to dwell on the negative things. I'm really not sure what it is that turns a persons thinking around. I think they just have to eventually act on something or they really couldn't live with themselves, then they find that it isn't nearly as bad as they thought. Lot's of people have their own ideas on what sex should be like and can't handle the true giving that can occur. The opening of their being is still way scary for them.

 

Male D

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We agree. Waking up remembering what you did last night when you were swinging is fantastic! Gets the morning off to a hard start! So, you learned why it is not good to drink a lot when you swing.

 

We really believe that the three most important things about swinging to us is together, together, together. We get a lot of our pleasure watching each other have fun.

 

Too much excitement seems to short circuit the nerves controlling my penis. It was that way the first time we full swapped with another couple and I watched my gal get fucked in front of me for the first time. My dick went limp and would not get hard no matter how much his gal sucked on it. She was very understanding of the situation. I went down on her and gave her multiple orgasms until she was exhausted. She thanked me and told me that was the most orgasms she had ever had. So we all went away happy.

 

It was the next day before my short circuited nerves recovered, and now just mentioning our swinging activities is a guaranteed way my gal can get me hard.

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      The second was that she’d get closer, I’d watch her whisper in his ear. I knew the question, “Where’s your wife?” Some of them would shake their heads, they were attending as one of the few single men the club allowed, and when they received Mary’s response, they’d move away - that’s not what we were looking for at the moment.
       
      But the man might indicate where his wife was dancing a few feet away. When this kind of thing happened, Mary would glance to me and give our special signal - she’d put one hand on the back of her head, one on her stomach. When I got the cue, I’d come out, we’d dance as a foursome.
       
      As I approached, a man grasped the elbow of a tall attractive lady who was more modestly dressed, at least for the club. There was no conversation on the dance floor, the heavy volume of music and the thumping of the bass wouldn’t allow for speech. But I could tell the woman was interested in me, the four of us paired off and I often found myself facing this vixen. It was obvious they were as interested in us as I was in them, I could tell by the way Mary was rubbing against the man that she felt the same.
       
      After a couple of songs, Mary led the way off the floor, holding his hand, leading us off into a corner away from the speakers. As we sat, the man said, “I’m Ed, this is my wife, Marilyn.”
       
      Marilyn and I softly shook hands, I believe she raised the hem of her skirt to give me a view of her upper thighs. Ed had no problem seeing Mary’s legs, or where they met - she was sitting so that the babydoll was gathered to her side, leaning forward so her globes were exposed to his view.
       
      “Do you come here often?” Ed asked.
       
      “Every few weeks,” I responded, “you?”
       
      “This is our first time here.” Mary gave him a look that asked for further info. “We’re just starting this,” he admitted.
       
      Marilyn picked it up. “We’ve only had one time with a couple of friends. We liked it, heard about this place, decided to see if we could get into more trouble.”
       
      “Trouble’s our middle name,” I joked.
       
      Our conversation continued, where do you live, what movies have you seen lately, etc. It was a screen, of course, we were all calculating if the four of us would be pleasurable bedmates. I paid my attention to Marilyn, my wife had told me numerous times not to worry about her, she can take care of herself. My hand found Marilyn’s knee, she smiled at me, encouraged me to reach a tad higher. We bent towards each other, our mouths met.
       
      Marilyn opened her lips to me, the kiss was ardent, her mouth moist. She licked at my upper lip, her hand fondled the back of my neck. Our tongues clashed, promising cupidity, mimicking what I presumed our bodies might be doing in a few scant moments.
       
      We broke for a moment, Marilyn invited, “Would you guys want to go to one of the rooms?”
       
      I, of course, was all for it, but then I heard Mary. “Uh, not right now. But thanks.”
       
      We’ve always had the guideline that if one person doesn’t want to do something, she speaks for both of us. Regretfully, I pecked at Marilyn’s lips a last time, we stood, went separate ways.
       
      “You’re not upset, are you?” Mary asked me.
       
      “Of course not, not at all. You’re not in the mood?”
       
      “Oh, I’m in the mood all right, just not with Ed.”
       
      “Something wrong with him?” I asked.
       
      “I tried to get him interested,” Mary revealed, “but his kiss was a little cold, indifferent. I put my hand on his leg, he was too busy watching you and Marilyn, he never responded. My guess is that if we went into a room, he’d be watching you two, I’m not even sure he’d get hard for me.” It was a reasonable thought, it had happened to us a couple times before. “Hope you don’t mind, bet she’d have been a firecracker.”
       
      “Maybe. But you’re a firecracker too.”
       
      We headed back to the dance floor, in search of another couple.
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