Giving up on wife

[cqwest 18]

I love my wife. We've been married for 13 years. When we were dating and then lived together she was excited about sex. She would be somewhat adventurous. Then we got married and all that stopped.

 

I have been patient now for 13 yrs. My ex and I were into swinging and I have always wanted to get back into it. I knew that I couldn't push Deb my (my wife now ) into it and have never pushed or really even brought it up for fear of completely offending her.

 

The thing is she doesn't want to do anything to spice up our sex life at all. I am bored to tears. I would rather masturbate than to have sex with her because it's more exciting. I have tried to have honest conversations a number of times over the years about things we could do to add some life to our sexual activities. There is nothing that interests her but kissing. That is the only answer I get from her when I ask her what would get her more excited about it.

 

When we have talked about sex it has always got to be very clinical terminology or it offends. I have tried to romance her. I have tried to get her drunk. I've even tried doing all the work around the house, like dishes, cooking, laundry, taking care of our child so she can go out and have fun. I spent $600 for a day at a very exclusive spa, then took her to San Francisco for dinner and to spend the night in a beautiful hotel suite. Nothing works.

 

I don't expect her to swing (although that would be nice) I just want her to act like she actually wants to make love with me instead of it being a chore, or "her wifely duty". I never had a woman be unhappy with my lovemaking before. I have an 8" cock that is fairly thick. I love romance and oral sex. I love to take my time. I just don't understand what the problem is. She has given up wearing anything sexy at all saying "that isn't me". I went out and bought her some sex toys thinking maybe it might start a fantasy for her. She wouldn't even touch them saying again "that isn't me".

 

She told me a long time ago that if I were going to fool around on her to please tell her first. Well I think that's what I going to do. I don't want a divorce because I love her and we have worked hard to build a life together. We are happy in just about every other way.

 

I would like to hear comments or suggestions. Please, I am desperate at this point to bring some excitement into my, or our, sex life.

 

Thanks for listening.

[Suncouple 32]

Go see a marriage counselor ASAP.

[sexyshelby 19]

Tell your wife what you just told us. Explain to her that this is extremely important to you and a serious issue that the two of you need to work through.

 

Good luck.

[blondie77 17]

I have to agree with suncouple...see a marriage counselor right away. Before you find yourself cheating! If she won't go with you, go alone. But please, go.

 

I think you really need to sit down and have a serious discussion with her. There HAS to be a reason why she isn't interested in sex...I just don't think that's natural, no matter if you're vanilla or swinger. Something is wrong here and I think only a professional can help you, IMO. Sit down with her, explain that you love her, that you want to be faithful to her, but that you have needs. Explain that you also know that she must have needs to, and that it's important to you and to your marriage that you both get what you need and want. Explain that you miss being close to her, that you miss the intimacy, the closeness, the loving...hell, the SEX! I really hope she agrees to go to counseling with you...let us know how it goes.

[Mistral Wind 54]

Suncouple said:

Go see a marriage counselor ASAP.

That is really good advice, tell your wife how bored you are with your sex life and want to put the romance back, NOT that you want to go elsewhere or start swinging.

 

1. Get the romance back

2. Get her happy exploring your sex lives and enjoying it.

3. Start talking about fantasies (they are a great way of telling your partner what you would like to do with the get out "It was just a fantasy" if she don't like it)

4. Take the fantasy a stage further and get her talking about trying a 3 some - 4 some even soft swing to get the feel

 

You can't do this in one jump, so start with the counselor first and find out where her head is.

 

Good luck!

[fun4Ds 1,098]

I'm gonna have to agree with every one els seeing a marriage counselor is a very good idea. Also though, see a medical family doctor, something may be wrong physically. Let her know that you are more interested in trying to fix anything between yourselves sexually than swinging. I'm not trying to read between the lines here but you have told her you swung before in a previous relationship and that didn't work out. What's she supposed to think? Fix things between yourselves before you swing. See an M.D. at least. It doesn't seem like you're connecting with your wife and she should be #1 always. put her first. I truly wish you guys the best.

[Amanda69 24]

Dito there is more going on here than her just not having an interest in sex. It could be physical or it could be emotional but something has changed for her. Go see someone, give it the best shot you have before you surrender. Good luck

[The Fuse 1,012]

Sometimes there are medical reasons why a woman loses interest in sex. If you are fairly sure she is not seeing someone else, then maybe there is something going on like a loss or hormones. For example, several years ago I had pain around my vagina every time my husband (boyfriend then) tried to have sex. This wrought havoc with our sex life for around a year and a half. My gynecologist didn't want to hear it. I had thought the days of doctors saying "It's all in your head" were over, but apparently not. I switched doctors on the recommendation of a friend, got some estrogen cream and now the problem is under control.

 

You haven't said that your wife is experiencing pain, but my point is that there are physical reasons (often) for losing interest in sex. One thing that helped me a lot was reading information by Drs. Jennifer and Laura Berman. They are sisters; one a urologist and one a psychiatrist. They specialize in helping women to find out what is causing sexual problems, and treating them. I suggest you look at https://bermansexualhealth.com/ and https://drlauraberman.com/

 

At the time I was having problems, they had written a book called "For Women Only" that addressed a variety of common problems, and encouraged women to seek help from their doctors. It gave me the nerve I needed to keep looking until I found the right solution. In spite of the title, you might want to get yourself a copy and read it.

 

Also, this will sound very "Dr. Phil", but a relevant question is "Does she want to want to have sex?" That is, we know she doesn't want to have sex, but does she wish her desire would return? This could be important. I hope for you both that the answer is yes. Good luck.

[Mrs Spoomonkey 118]

Dito what everyone has said here. I would first tell your wife what you just told us...that you love her very much but that you have a desire to improve your sex lives and intimacy. Then go see a counselor with or without her. Stress to her the importance that she go with you. Don't accuse, blame or give ultimatums that will shut her down. Let the counselor find out what and where the problem is.

 

Also, as The Fuse mentioned it could be medical. Encourage her to see her OBGYN. That may have to come after counseling since she may not think anything is really wrong and be hesitant to ask her Gyno about "sex drive"

 

DON'T get into the lifestyle alone though...that is cheating and you sound like you love your wife. Work on the marriage. If you hang around here and read you'll find the majority of the couples had a great marriage and sex life before the lifestyle and this is just an added recreation they enjoy together.

 

Good luck

[Sweet_Candy 54]

I would agree with the advice given so far. But be aware you may do all of this and still not reach what you want. Be prepared to live with this or be willing to move on. I speak from experience with the ex. We did all of the above-mentioned advice without success. You did read right "ex", we split up over sexual differences. Now I am with someone 10 years now who is the love of my life in every sense of the word. Good luck!

[appleblossoms20 16]

After 25 years of being happily married I have found many means of communication that work. Maybe in this case if you have already tried talking to her you should write her a letter. Try not to go off on many topics...stick to the issue at hand. I usually put the letters on my husband's steering wheel in the morning and he reads them prior to going to work. The car is quiet. There are no distractions. I never make the letters confrontational, only expressions of feelings. I also make sure that I place many positive comments in the letter as well. I wish you much luck.

[dayhiker 83]

cqwest has said something that it seems like I hear a lot.

 

During dating, before marriage a woman communicates to some level that she is interested in sex and enjoying sex. After the marriage the sexual interest drops off fairly quickly. In reading relationship stuff on the web for 14 years, I can't even guess how many times I've read that.

To my mind this sounds like the woman was just playing interested in sex till she got her man. I really think it should be said over and over that this is a sure way to make a husband miserable and a woman should be more honest about this stuff before they get marriage.

I'm sure there are women that have started to enjoy sex and their marriage went along, Ya, I've read those stories too. But the majority go the other way, less sex.

 

My read is that cqwest tried all the things you guys encouraged him to personally do. The medical check up would be great. A counselor .. might help. I think his wife needs to come clean and say what her interest in sex is? If she wants to want sex then get busy with the work of finding why she isn't enjoying and wanting sex. If she has no interest then she needs to own up to the fact and then inform decisions can made.

 

There is probably some frustration in my voice! I'm dealing with that and my wife is working on her issues as well. Praise God.

[cqwest 18]

Thank you for all the replies. There is some very good advice here.

 

I have asked her if we could go to get some counseling together and her response is that she doesn't like or trust counselors.

 

She does have some medical problems that she is working on, and I understand that right now sex probably is a little uncomfortable for her. That isn't the problem though. I can and have gone without sex with her for a long periods of time. It's just I see no hope of any change in her attitude about it. She has been on hormone therapy for a while and it seemed like she could think more clearly, but it really didn't help with her sex drive.

 

I have tried being romantic. I have tried not putting any sexual stress on her at all. I've tried being spontaneous. Sometimes if she thinks I'm at my wits end she will put a little effort into it for a week or so, but as soon as I start to feel like maybe there is some hope she stops trying. I get to where I avoid having sex with her because I'm bored, and I try not to make it seem that way.

 

The thing is she knows that I always want to make love to her. I am not only in love with her but also in lust with her. I don't feel I need to swing with her to have a good sex life. I just want her to take some some initiative. She will snuggle close to me but her actions are like a high school girl who has never been with a man before. She is in her early 50's and I just feel like she should be able to express herself better than that sexually. She is a very loving person, and it is obvious that she loves me dearly. I just feel that I have tried everything I can think of to stimulate her into something other "missionary sex ".

 

I do have a high sex drive, but I have never imposed that on her. The straw that broke the camels back for me was... over the weekend she saw a dress in an ad and pointed it out to me and I said that yes I thought it was very nice but I would love her to but something a little more revealing sometime. She looked at me and said "oh grow up". I feel like there is nothing else I can do. Maybe it would help if I got some counseling, but I feel that my only option if I want a sex life is to tell her I need to get it somewhere else because she just isn't interested.

[Chicup 41]

Quote

I have been patient now for 13 yrs.

 

First mistake, you should have been patient the first 3 weeks. You have waited far too long.

 

Quote

My ex and I were into swinging and I have always wanted to get back into it. I knew that I couldn't push Deb my (my wife now ) into it and have never pushed or really even brought it up for fear of completely offending her.

 

Big BAD secret. I can understand not bringing up your sex life when you are first dating and the like, but sooner or later you should at least let her know who did some of these things if they still interested you. If she was the kind of person who would be offended perhaps you should have taken it as a hint and found someone else. Harsh I know.

 

Quote

She told me a long time ago that if I were going to fool around on her to please tell her first. Well I think that's what I going to do. I don't want a divorce because I love her and we have worked hard to build a life together. We are happy in just about every other way.

 

This tells me that she knows she's not what you want sexually. She also appears to not care about that aspect of your relationship. It sounds more like a good friendship than anything else. The fact that even talking about sex is offensive points to issues that really should have been worked out a decade ago.

 

I am not a big 'fan' of marriage counselors or counselors in general but I've never been one to beat around the bush. Some people may well open up better to a 3rd person than the one closest too them so perhaps that will help but it might also be a brick wall. The idea that talking about sex offends your wife of 14 years means you are going to HAVE to offend her. My method of handling it would be forcing her to talk about it and I wouldn't care how many tears or shouts it caused as this is something important to you. A marriage without sex is not a happy place to be as you well know. I have a female friend in your exact same position, almost a mirror image, but she has cheated on him and it has not made her any happier. She is afraid of getting a divorce for a number of reasons and is resigned to being miserable for the rest of her life.

[JnCC 24]

I have been where you've been. I got out of that 13 years ago and never looked back. My divorce from that woman represented not only a "death," but a "New Life" as well. By my leaving, I was choosing not to die with her, but to be alive, for my kids, for my friends and family, and most of all, for me.

 

You are being beaten, emotionally. Ask any Physician or mental health professional...this will destroy you just as surely as if you were being beaten physically. IF you were being beaten physically, nobody would be telling you to "see a counselor" or to "stick around until you work it out," they'd be telling you to GET OUT, NOW!

 

If things change, or she changes, you can always come back. There is no "coming back" from an early death brought about by the kind of stress and despondancey you're feeling.

 

Somewhere out there, a woman is feeling the same way about her marriage that you are about yours. You'll never meet her while you're locked into the miserable situation you're in right now.

[LOL_OMG 130]

This thread saddens me. I have been in this situation from the wife's side, and the marriage ended in divorce. I didn't want sex either, it was boring and I got very little out of it besides sleeping on the wet spot. My husband at the time was not very creative and didn't do all the things you have tried. I shrugged it off because it wasn't enjoyable (he was also very quick to cum, but in retrospect maybe that's becase we did it so little).

 

I have since learned that sex is a huge part of a healthy relationship. It's physically and psychologically good for you. I've found out that trying new things can be very exciting, and I've also found that talking about sex and what I want with my hubby is sooooo helpful. I opened up to possibilities and it changed my life. Thankfully I found my soulmate who likes to have fun with me.

 

I think you have hit a brick wall here, and unless your wife can open her own views it may be a wall you can't tear down. If she can find the adventure and excitement you will both have entered a whole new world. The only idea I have for you is to be brutally honest with her where this might lead....

 

Mrs

[seeking69 15]

Don't  give up hope. Show her you love her. Find her interest and bring her there. Good mood always bring good sex.

[NandTfromCA 84]

Chicup said:

I have been patient now for 13 yrs.

 

First mistake, you should have been patient the first 3 weeks. You have waited far too long.

 

My ex and I were into swinging and I have always wanted to get back into it. I knew that I couldn't push Deb my (my wife now ) into it and have never pushed or really even brought it up for fear of completely offending her.

 

Big BAD secret. I can understand not bringing up your sex life when you are first dating and the like, but sooner or later you should at least let her know who did some of these things if they still interested you. If she was the kind of person who would be offended perhaps you should have taken it as a hint and found someone else. Harsh I know.

Massive Dito

 

Come clean, spill your guts, hash it out, and move on (maybe together…maybe not).

 

As long as your intent is to make things better and not just to take pot shots, hurting now is way better than dragging this out and hurting for another 13 years.

[corkwan 20]

I wonder how many people that suggest marriage counselors have actually been to them? I would guess, NONE!... Have you seen the statistics on marriage counseling, it is horrible.

 

Yes, work on your marriage. be more honest, be patient, be kind, but be very careful if you enlist a marriage counselor in it. We did, and it nearly destroyed our somewhat fragile marriage. (btw, we are doing great again in case anyone remembers me)

 

This is what I learned:

 

- Taking time to be together, without anything planned. For us, this is going for 30-60 minute walks in the evening.

 

- Making sex a problem makes her lose her confidence. sex is confidence.

 

- Masturbation threatened her. Pull it if you need to, but don't rub that in her face.

 

- Encouragement, gentle encouragement. Too much pressure, and you lose confidence.

 

- Be honest. she has needs, you have needs. Tell it like it is. and tell it from YOUR point of view, not saying that SHE doesn't want sex. Say it like it is, you want more sex. Speak what you know, and that is *only* yourself!

 

- Be patient.

 

- Be gentle.

 

- Be kind.

[EvilMJ 65]

In reading your post I noticed something.

 

You asked her what could spice up your sex life, but you didn't ask her what was wrong with her, was it medical, emotional, is it you or something you are doing?

 

There are so many things that can cause someone to lose interest in sex, physcial/medical conditions, stress, kids, menopause.... the list goes on. or it just maybe that she doesn't have the same level of interest in sex that you do.

 

Have you told her what her lack of sex is doing to you and your marriage, perhaps she has no idea what you are feeling or the seriousness of the situation.

 

If you are going to cheat on her you may as well divorce her ....if you love someone you don't hurt them like that.

[jedi6942 18]

Quote

EvilMJ said: "If you are going to cheat on her you may as well divorce her ....if you love someone you don't hurt them like that."

 

You got that right!!!

[Mrs Spoomonkey 118]

corkwan said:

I wonder how many people that suggest marriage counselors have actually been to them? I would guess, NONE!... Have you seen the statistics on marriage counseling, it is horrible.

 

Yes, work on your marriage. be more honest, be patient, be kind, but be very careful if you enlist a marriage counselor in it. We did, and it nearly destroyed our somewhat fragile marriage. (btw, we are doing great again in case anyone remembers me)

 

Yes, I was one of those on this thread who suggested a counselor. Yes, I went to one with my first marriage. Yes, there are some bad ones out there so just like picking your doctor, dentist, or lawyer you have to be just as careful picking your counselor. (which btw, my lawyer sucked but my counselor was awesome!!)

 

My counselor didn't destroy my marriage it was my ex who did because he didn't think he needed to fix anything.

 

Glad you hear you and your spouse are doing great. I am too ... actually happier then I have ever been. I am also very thankful for having a counselor who can't save something when one half doesn't want to save it, but stuck with me and helped me make it through a very tough time.

[Jamie&Kieth 36]

Just a thought ... change in environment ... could work, might not, if you love her try it.

 

13 years, you get stuck in a routine, and you become so self asorbed in the routine you can't think out of the box. "Think outside the box".

 

Try a trip to a "couples only resort" (not a swingers) that includes nude sunbathing or a camping trip where you are out of your normal environment, something different to get your wife to think out of the box ... most important of all be honest with each other.

 

Not much help, but I know when I am out of our normal environment and doing something that is totally different ... I get horny

[cqwest 18]

I have gotten more good advice here than I thought I would thank you all! It's hard to get some one to understand the complete problem when you need to do it in such few words, and your only hearing one side. It is nice to know that there are so many of you who care enough to try to understand and help.

 

I have gotten counseling a couple of times in my life and it helped a lot. once was after my first wife and I split up, and once because I felt like I needed it.

 

A new environment is always helpful but we usually need to bring our 6yr old with us. We have few people we are comfortable leaving him with and so don't get out alone often. Which is one of the things I would like to change.

 

more later...

[twoferfun69 15]

Ok......this is probably going to be lengthy as most of my posts are, so bear with me.

 

First to Corkwan- I too am one of those that would suggest counseling, and I HAVE been to same. To those that would say that it doesn't work, I would offer up a couple things.....yes, there are really crappy counselors, however, I believe that some of the problems with counselors arises from one or the other of the people IN counseling does not "buy" into it, and does not apply themselves 100% to the effort.

 

Second, I, like JnCC have been down this same road with my ex. As hard as I tried, things were not to be, sexually. To this day, even our children literally call her a "psycho bitch". There are issues within her mind that no one can fix. This is not to say she cannot be a wonderful person, but there are times when her warped sense of reality makes her an interesting person to deal with.

 

Having spent 5 long years on marriage counseling with her, only to have her simply walk out when the counseling sessions turned to dealing with HER issues, I decided that the counseling would not work for "us". I continued to go on my own, and learned how to deal with the issues I was encountering with her and in life in general.

 

After I went thru all of this, and trying and trying and trying to figure out what I was doing wrong, I finally had enough.

 

Bottom line is, only you can decide what is best for YOU. But, I implore you, do not cheat, it will only make for difficulties later on. Both externally (dealing with it in divorce can be a problem, plus, even tho she says to let her know, the female mind is thing of which we can only hazard a guess as to how to deal with it, and THAT little statement will be taken wrong, no matter how she presented it to you) and internally. If you have any moral fiber within you, it is something that you will have to reconcile on your own later on in life. Yes, this is the voice of experience talking.

If you would like we can talk more of this privately, cqwest, but I believe I have bored most of you enough.

 

Please take care, and be careful what you wish for, you just might get it.

[LOL_OMG 130]

The crux of the matter is that both people in a relationship hold the power to make things work. If one is unwilling, and you've made it pretty clear that she is unwilling....it's not going to work. I'm sorry, I wish I could give you better news...

[corkwan 20]

Oh I totally agree that personal counseling is useful. It was far more useful to me than couples counseling. once each person is feeling more secure about themselves, it is far easier to work out problems.

 

But you're right, the quality of counseling does depend a lot on the person.

 

We found this book was useful: The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work: A Practical Guide from the Country's Foremost Relationship Expert