"Taking one for the team"

[xxoticangel 99]

Anyone that has read more than two post on this board has heard the term "taking one for the team". Reading the board also tells me that most people have different meaning attached to the same term.

 

My definition of "taking one for the team" is when one of us has sex with a person to he/I is not attracted at all in order for the other party to have sex with someone they are attracted to.

 

Given my definition I have "taken one for the team" once, sort of. We met a woman at a lifestyle friendly nude resort that we were both very attracted to. They maintained a summer cabin on the grounds where she stayed most of the time and he would come in Friday after work. She was very straight forward about being attracted to us also but as they too had a rule against playing alone we all agreed to wait until Saturday night when her husband was present. Everything was very promising until we actually met her husband Saturday morning. He was everything I find unattractive tall (6'4), bald, goatee, and a protruding beer belly but a very nice and outgoing person that had everyone rolling with his jokes and stories. Our immediate reaction was to not do anything with them. Later that night alcohol and lust for the wife overcame my common sense and we ended up playing with them. She was a great lover to both of us but he done in the first 30 seconds and wanted me to spend the rest of the night giving him oral trying to get him ready again. Long story a little shorter, what would have been a great FFM was a bad experience.

 

That said, based on my definition, I didn't really take one for the team since Mr Xxotic didn't push anything and was very surprised when I decided to go through with it. In reality I took one for me, Mr Xxotic just enjoyed the rewards.

 

Anyway, my question to the learned experts is "Exactly what does the term "Taking one for the team" mean to you?"

[appleblossoms20 16]

Hi, The problem we have ran into is that usually the female is attractive and the male is as you described. We have not been able to find two people that he and I both think are attractive. Why would he or myself have a relationshiip with someone when if not attached to each other we would not give them consideration in the first place? It is not about quantity it is about quality. So....we have agreed never to "take one for team".

[MoonLightKiss 28]

To me, the term "taking one for the team" basically means when one person has sex with someone they really don't want to in order for the other person to have sex with someone they really want to.

 

This is something that hubby and I have agreed to never do. I have read threads on this board where people have regretted doing it, or it has caused some kind of difficulty. We agreed that when we decided to do this, if both of us are not interested, its a no-go. That way no one is tempted to be selfish and say "look what I did for you that time, why can't you do it for me this time."

[2jersey 16]

This may be a distinction without a difference - but we wonder how often it happens that a person doesn't realize they took one for the team until after the sex act is complete.

 

In your case, xxoticangel, you weren't attracted to this man, yet you had consensual sex, presumably hoping for the best. Ultimately, he disappointed you more than you could have imagined - it wasn't merely his appearance that was bad, he was also a bad lover. You took two for the team.

[newandexcited 15]

your situation brings up a question for me. Since my wife and I have never played with anyone yet and are just starting to discuss this...maybe the question is going to be a bit basic but oh well. Anyhow, you were in a situation were you as a couple and the perspective female were obviously attracted to each other...than the fella shows up. How do you get outta that situation without hurting the guys feelings a bit? I mean y'all were looking forward to each other and the guy wasn't a jerkoff..in fact you said he was quite fun. But to walk outta there without playin is like looking to guy in the face and saying your just too fugly dude. If this was a situation where ya know...y'all met together for the first time then I can see numerous easy outs but it seems in this situation you were planning for a few days for this by waiting specifically for him to show up.

Again...maybe a silly question but I'm curious as to the... for lack of a better term, manners, involved I guess.

[xxoticangel 99]

It was more for me than the team but I understand your meaning. There have been times where one of us has played with someone we weren't that attracted to and it turned out to be a lot of fun for everyone involved.

 

Question 2

 

If your partner is very attracted to someone and you find the spouse just OK do you go ahead and play or wait until you find a couple that your both have the same level of attractivenes too?

[xxoticangel 99]

newandexcited, good question. As a female there is always a little white lie I can come up with to help the other person at least save face. Sudden cramps, unexpected "that time of the month", drank too much and feel sick. With this guy specifically I was going to pretend to be sick from too much sun and drink. Hubby would have covered me with a "We are so sorry. She had too much to drink in the sun and is puking her guts out."

[graygo98 148]

You took two for the team.

 

I think her original take on it was pretty sound. She took one for herself.

 

Her post raises a more interesting question than the usual "take one for the team" variety. Most people are pretty solid that they wouldn't do their opposite (unappealing) number just so their spouse could enjoy the other's partner. But what about the scenario in the OP where you both are really attracted to the female? I bet, as in the OP, more than one unattractive husband has been carried by the sex appeal of his wife. If you were in the OPs position what would you do?

 

I am not so vain that I have not sometimes wondered if I have enjoyed the benefit of riding on my sexy wife's coat tails. She tells me that's crazy, I am "very handsome" and I am content to leave it at that But.....

[Chicup 41]

This may be a distinction without a difference - but we wonder how often it happens that a person doesn't realize they took one for the team until after the sex act is complete.

 

By that definition Mrs. Chicup and I BOTH took one for the team a few months back.

 

Much like the old story where a man sells his watch to buy his beloved a new brush and she sells her hair to buy him a new wristband for his watch or something akin to that.

 

Seemed like a good idea at the time.

[Lawguy 15]

To me, the term "taking one for the team" basically means when one person has sex with someone they really don't want to in order for the other person to have sex with someone they really want to.

 

This is something that hubby and I have agreed to never do. I have read threads on this board where people have regretted doing it, or it has caused some kind of difficulty. We agreed that when we decided to do this, if both of us are not interested, its a no-go. That way no one is tempted to be selfish and say "look what I did for you that time, why can't you do it for me this time."

 

We've done MFMs but haven't yet swapped, so I guess I don't know how much of an expert I am, but I do disagree here. In my view, part of a great swinging experience is watching my wife just really, really enjoy herself with a handsome stud. In that light, if a couple had a great looking husband, but the wife was not attractive, I would definitely go for it anyhow. That's not even "taking one for the team" in my book because HALF of the whole experience is watching my wife enjoy herself. Now, if the spouse was so repulsive that I simply could not go through with it, I might be inclined to say "Honey, I'd love to see you do this guy, but I cannot hang with his Mrs." In sum, I guess I've taken myself out of the taking one for the team mode because I want to watch the wife in action just as much as I want some action myself.

 

Lawguy

[EvilMJ 65]

I've taken one for the team. Very much like xxoticangel's story. Her hubby was at sea and out of respect we waited until he returned (allowing her to send photos etc, so that he got an idea of what we looked like before hand so there were no surprises).

 

The night finally came when we decided to get together, have some supper at their place, watch a movie and have some fun. He was very quiet, and while certainly not bad looking, I felt nothing for him, no spark, no lust…zero. I guess I felt like, since he wasn’t ugly and wasn’t a bad person and we went through all this trouble; I should at least give it a try.

 

Well, the night was a bust; he was done quickly and was only concerned about himself.

We did try again later and he did get a bit better, but when it all came down to it I just wasn’t having fun. In fact a lot of time he made me feel very unattractive with his lack of attention. His wife said that that was just his personality and he really prefers or needs to have the woman take the initiative. It just didn’t work for me.

 

We were upfront and honest with them and said we were not going to continue playing with them (but remained friends), because her husband and I just didn’t click. They weren’t offended by this.

 

You can be honest with people without being offensive. If anyone has been swinging for any length of time, they learn to accept that you are going to face rejection from time to time, we all have our own preferences and you may not fit into that. Being honest, polite and diplomatic about it will just make it less awkward. You don’t have to say “dude you are so ugly you are scaring my wife!!” you could just say that you don’t think it is going to work because you just don’t feel any connection.

[TeamSoBe 36]

Not taking one for the team has become one of those rules that we let go of as we got more experienced. We never expected that but it happened. We have both very much enjoyed getting with play pals who were maybe a little below our normal standards, for all kinds of reasons. It always seemed like such a bad thing when we were first starting but much less so now.

 

As long as everybody is having fun it's all cool, is our new attitude. Within certain limits, of course. If somebody is actively gross as opposed to just not that attractive then it wouldn't be fun for one of us and that would violate the 'as long as everybody is having fun' rule.

[NandTfromCA 84]

If your partner is very attracted to someone and you find the spouse just OK do you go ahead and play or wait until you find a couple that your both have the same level of attractivenes too?

We do them.

 

 

 

If either of us are physically turned off we don’t play. If both of us are complacent (not turned on but not turned off), then we don’t play. If one of us is complacent but the other is ready to go, we play. If both of us are ready to go…well, you can guess that one.

 

Here’s why:

 

1) If one of us is having a blast, we are both happy.

 

2) Sometimes one of us thinks we are compromising going into the act but then finishes with a big grin…after finding out how fun they are in bed.

 

We have also had the opposite where we are both heated up and ready to go with a couple we think is uber hot and lots of fun, but we find out that one or both of us has a less than great time in bed with them.

 

There’s that saying- “You never know until the rubber hits the road”. With some slight modifications, it fits pretty well for swinging.

[graygo98 148]

NandT

 

Very well put. Great guidance because it makes great sense.

[poster_guy03 15]

Most people are pretty solid that they wouldn't do their opposite (unappealing) number just so their spouse could enjoy the other's partner. But what about the scenario in the OP where you both are really attracted to the female? I bet, as in the OP, more than one unattractive husband has been carried by the sex appeal of his wife.

 

I'd take your bet as a sure thing! For evidence, just look at the profiles found on swinger personals sites. It seems to me that a high percentage of the profiles with pics have pics that emphasize the wife and minimize the husband. I often wonder what that strategy is about. Most of my experience and reading indicates that women are in the swinging drivers seat. Who are those female-only-pic profiles trying to market to?

[2jersey 16]

I'd take your bet as a sure thing! For evidence, just look at the profiles found on swinger personals sites. It seems to me that a high percentage of the profiles with pics have pics that emphasize the wife and minimize the husband. I often wonder what that strategy is about. Most of my experience and reading indicates that women are in the swinging drivers seat. Who are those female-only-pic profiles trying to market to?

 

Tangential to the topic at hand - but good questions regarding the motivational aspect of "female-only-pic profiles".

 

We don't like profiles without male photos! Our quick/random thoughts regarding the motivation behind these profiles (we are probably leaving out some good explainations):

 

Female bisexual play is at the core of what interests some couples - ergo the focus on female attractiveness and female photos?

 

Males are viewed as less attractive (and often are) in relation to females - some couples choose to advertise only their greatest asset?

 

Some couples invoke the male's relatively greater need for discretion as a reason to hide male photos.

 

Males (primarily) screen the online ads, and males are solely attracted to female photos.

 

Some males are threatened by profiles with display attractive male photos - possibly a male ego thing.

 

There is a rationalization that females are less stimulated by visual elements, and care more about the wording of an online profile - ergo, no need to show male photos.

 

~Our online profile includes an equal number of male and female photos, and always will....

[Tantra 48]

It seems to me that a high percentage of the profiles with pics have pics that emphasize the wife and minimize the husband.

 

I agree that this is awful. I despise the idea "this is all about/for the ladies" and the ladies don't seem to mind this at all. When was the last time you heard about a group of ladies approach the lifestyle with "it's all about the men".

[Couple_N_Ark 39]

I'm not sure that either of us have ever taken "one for the team". Lisa is a nice looking 42 yr. old that gets hit on by the hottest studs, as well as others who are more average.

 

After all the experiences we've had, and basing her comments on that....oftentimes Lisa will make a comment when an average looking guy hits on her that he'll probably know what he's doing better than the young studs.

 

I guess in short she has been more "satisfied" by the avg. looking guy, than she has been by the young nice looking guys.

 

That is not to say that we would "do anyone", because we wouldn't. If someone is nice, funny, CLEAN, and seems reasonably intelligent then there is a good chance we'd play with them.

 

One thing that would turn us away is someone who is obviously not clean, has body odor, and you may laugh, but if they had bad teeth it would turn us off. They could be beautiful people and dressed nicely, but if the teeth are bad, it would turn us off.

 

Here's another question, which I hope is ok to post in this thread. We're basically discussing who we'd have sex with, so I'm wondering here. What if the same person that you'd not have sex with (taking one for the team) offered you a million dollars to have sex with them.

 

I bet most of you would do it, and probably enjoy it??

 

I think there was a thread either on this site or another site that posed a similar question and I think most said they would do it.

[Couple_N_Ark 39]

I agree that this is awful. I despise the idea "this is all about/for the ladies" and the ladies don't seem to mind this at all. When was the last time you heard about a group of ladies approach the lifestyle with "it's all about the men".

 

Well as long as we keep mama happy in this house then we're all happy.

 

I think women hold most of the cards in the lifestyle.

 

Look at it this way, without the women then us men, instead of being the male half of a couple suddenly became the dreaded "single male".

 

But the female half becomes the coveted single female.

[NandTfromCA 84]

What if the same person that you'd not have sex with (taking one for the team) offered you a million dollars to have sex with them.

Cash or check?

 

I think women hold most of the cards in the lifestyle.

That’s what we heard when we first looked into, and got into the lifestyle but I can’t say that it has been our experience. Most of the couples we meet are pretty equally motivated and have an equal say about who they play with.

 

There are times we have met couples where the woman clearly runs the show, and other times we have seen the man running the show. Doesn’t seem to be predominantly one way or the other though. We need a bigger sample size to draw valid conclusion ...

...not going to ask a fisherman though

[2jersey 16]

Here's another question, which I hope is ok to post in this thread. We're basically discussing who we'd have sex with, so I'm wondering here. What if the same person that you'd not have sex with (taking one for the team) offered you a million dollars to have sex with them.

 

I bet most of you would do it, and probably enjoy it??

 

I saw the movie (Indecent Proposal) - interesting question... I'll bite (so to speak)...

 

Woody went psycho/drama because he did not know what was happening with Demi. And Demi kept her encounter with Redrord a secret - no communication - bad news!

 

If you're talking Robert Redford, I'll need at least a 50% premium to the million bucks (I saw the movie - he's negotiable). George Clooney (my male crush) - free sex, and I'll probably leave him a tip (as long as he doesn't speak)! Hmmm... Brad Pitt - despite the critical acclaim, he can't have me at any price - yuck, not my type! Catherine Zeta Jones (my female crush) - yum, I have a spare million bucks for her!

[WesternSwing 504]

To us, "taking one for the team" probably means what it does for many others here: having sex with someone you are only marginally, if at all, attracted to so that your spouse can have sex with someone that really turns them on.

 

Nope, we won't go there either.

 

Mr. WS

[WesternSwing 504]

Question 2

 

If your partner is very attracted to someone and you find the spouse just OK do you go ahead and play or wait until you find a couple that your both have the same level of attractivenes too?

I don't have to be totally into the woman to have sex with her. If there is enough attraction to spark my interest, and my wife is really into the guy, then it's game-on. If I'm not attracted at all... then no deal. If it's okay with the other wife Mrs. WS can play with the other guy alone.

 

So I won't take one for the team, but I'm not going to prevent Mrs. WS from having a good time with someone she really wants just because of me.

 

Mr. WS

[WesternSwing 504]

Here's another question, which I hope is ok to post in this thread. We're basically discussing who we'd have sex with, so I'm wondering here. What if the same person that you'd not have sex with (taking one for the team) offered you a million dollars to have sex with them.

Of course. I may be picky, but I'm not stupid.

 

Mr. WS

[Couple_N_Ark 39]

Cash or check?

 

That’s what we heard when we first looked into, and got into the lifestyle but I can’t say that it has been our experience. Most of the couples we meet are pretty equally motivated and have an equal say about who they play with.

 

Our comment about women controlling things was meant more towards if someone actually swings, and where would men be without their wives.

 

It wasn't aimed towards the decision making process as to who you meet, once you have "become" swingers.

[EvilMJ 65]

Of course. I may be picky, but I'm not stupid.

 

Mr. WS

 

My thoughts exactly

[xxoticangel 99]

I think women hold most of the cards in the lifestyle.

 

I have to agree. Mr Xxotic can find something attractive about almost any woman. I, on the other hand, am very picky so it is mostly my decision who we play with. He has used his veto powers a couple of times because of a bad vibe from guy but never because he wasn't attracted to the girl.

[Lawguy 15]

Here's another question, which I hope is ok to post in this thread. We're basically discussing who we'd have sex with, so I'm wondering here. What if the same person that you'd not have sex with (taking one for the team) offered you a million dollars to have sex with them.

 

I bet most of you would do it, and probably enjoy it??QUOTE]

 

ANSWER: I've never met a person who had a million dollars to pay for sex who wasn't drop-dead gorgeous.

[Couple_N_Ark 39]

Here's another question, which I hope is ok to post in this thread. We're basically discussing who we'd have sex with, so I'm wondering here. What if the same person that you'd not have sex with (taking one for the team) offered you a million dollars to have sex with them.

 

I bet most of you would do it, and probably enjoy it??QUOTE]

 

ANSWER: I've never met a person who had a million dollars to pay for sex who wasn't drop-dead gorgeous.

 

Have you ever seen a pic of the richest man in America (maybe the world), Bill Gates? He may not be a dog, but he is certainly NOT drop dead gorgeous.

[DBL D 120]

I have to agree. Mr Xxotic can find something attractive about almost any woman. I, on the other hand, am very picky so it is mostly my decision who we play with. He has used his veto powers a couple of times because of a bad vibe from guy but never because he wasn't attracted to the girl.

 

There's something about this that I can relate to. Also, Fem D would know not to choose a hubby whose wife she knew I wouldn't like so I wouldn't have to say NO.

 

Male D

[DBL D 120]

Wouldn't she?

 

M.D.

[DBL D 120]

As would I.

 

M.D.

[Sweet_Candy 54]

We hold equal say in who we do or don't do. We have not taken one for the team either. Someone mentioned quality over quantity and that is our mode of operation.

[Pepper & Drew 384]

For us, taking one for the team doesn't necessarily mean having sex with someone there's no attraction to, because we definitely wouldn't do that. In our case, it means having sex with someone that we have marginal interest in, so the spouse can have an extra good time. To borrow a phrase from another thread--being with someone that's doable, but not necessarily extremely desireable.

 

In our earlier days, we've both "taken one or the team" on the same night with the same couple! So, since then, we've learned to say exactly what each of us want to do. Because, in this case, I thought Drew was really hot for her, when he was thinking that she was just OK, but thought I was really hot for him. I thought he was alright, but just alright. Now we give our true opinion.

 

Pepper

[mrs good times 73]

For us, taking one for the team doesn't necessarily mean having sex with someone there's no attraction to, because we definitely wouldn't do that. In our case, it means having sex with someone that we have marginal interest in, so the spouse can have an extra good time. To borrow a phrase from another thread--being with someone that's doable, but not necessarily extremely desireable.

Pepper

 

We have the same view as you.

 

I have also been pleasantly surprised on more than one occasion when I have been with a man that I initially thought of as "doable" to be incredably sexy and fun behind closed doors.

[good times 991]

In our earlier days, we've both "taken one or the team" on the same night with the same couple! So, since then, we've learned to say exactly what each of us want to do. Because, in this case, I thought Drew was really hot for her, when he was thinking that she was just OK, but thought I was really hot for him. I thought he was alright, but just alright. Now we give our true opinion.

 

Pepper

We have done that too, great communication improver that was. We were on the way home from the club discussing the evening when we both realized we had taken one for the team with the same couple. We had to pull over we were laughing so hard.

[DBL D 120]

I tell ya, you just never know!

 

I am sure tha I have passed on ladies that could've/would've been great...I just didn't trust that it could happen. I am still learning. I still will have a block against really heavy people but I am growing and learning that great people can come in all shapes and flavors.

 

I try to stay open for anything.

 

Male D