How do you avoid falling in love with a playmate?

[CnL 15]

Still new to the stuff and haven't really started... my wife isn't 100% ready yet so we decided to give it more time... as long as it takes.

 

However, in one of our talks a subject came up: the fear of falling in love with someone else. We DO love each other very much and are very happy together, but as they say ..."love is blind". So how do you deal and manage to separate the sex from love and not fall in love with your swinging partners?

[meandher2go 17]

If there is a question...don't swing I'd say. but keep talking.

 

For us, it is just sex and fun. Nothing more.

[intuition897 2,179]

I'm not sure how you completely avoid the risk of falling in love with someone else, C. I can't tell you it's not a possibility, but if you're able to see swinging sex as purely recreational (meaning, you are able to successfully separate love and sex), then falling in love with someone else will be a completely unrelated issue. If you're going about it the right way, there should be no more risk of falling in love with others while swinging than there would be in other situations, like joining a gym, working with your co-workers, inviting the neighbours over for dinner, joining a bowling league, etc. Swinging is just like any of these other activities. There are emotional boundaries that it is a serious taboo to cross.

 

Now, the other argument is, of course, would you consider the idea of forming other meaningful long-term relationships acceptable? Y'know, one of the things I love about swinging is that it causes you to rethink things on a level that you previously never even THOUGHT of. Monogamy was just a given. And so is emotional monogamy. Some people are, however, geared differently and polyamorous relationships should not be ruled out before they are fully considered. Mr. intuition and I have considered it, and if he felt the desire to form other relationships that resembled the one that we have...I am not opposed to it...as long as it does not take away from what we have worked to build together. I just want him to be happy. He feels the same way towards me. However, we've chosen not to do so simply because ONE relationship is all we're interested in working on right now. One perfect relationship. We just don't have the time or emotional energy to spend on anything more. But we're keeping our options open; you never know what life will throw your way. It's an adventure, and it's all good.

[good times 991]

While I think most of us had some thoughts or concerns about this when we first started, in reality it is a non issue. What we found out is that it is just recreational sex with others. For us, the emotional part never crosses our mind. Like Intuition said crossing that line is taboo, so one tends to have a mindset when playing with others that just doesn't include any emotional involvement. Furthermore, on a practical level I don't think I could fall in love or have a relationship with someone who is willing to dump their spouse for me. I would pretty much figure I would be dumped for the next new thing. I have the best wife in the world now anyway, so, I have no desire to get emotionally involved with anyone else.

[BiloxiCouple 695]

It does come up. Maybe not love, but definately feelings or some type of emotional thing.

 

I've had it happen slightly once. Weird feeling. But I took it no further. Distance was one thing. Other commitments. But I did have more than just normal emotions for someone here. Whatever normal is.

 

She is still a special person. Just had to deal with it and be adult about. But it sure was interesting. And she doesn't know about it. We still "talk" once in a while.

[NandTfromCA 84]

We have found that we have become close to friends we have sex with very quickly. But it’s not the sex itself that does it. It’s the openness that we have with each other that seems to take much longer to achieve with vanilla (non-swinger) friends.

 

I wear my heart on my sleeve and develop feelings for people pretty quickly (as in friendship love), but have never thought I was falling “in love” with someone that we swing with.

 

We see being in love, being loving friends, and liking somone we have sex with, as 3 totally different things.

 

Mr.

[Darkblue 55]

We thought about this as well and to be honest if it happens it happens you cant say it wont, it does happen and no one can tell you it won't.

 

All I can say is if you feel your getting too involved then call it a day with them and go to new pastures, Love is blind and love can hurt and destroy anything you have, ask yourself is it worth it??

 

I like my female friend and to be honest if I thought I was getting too attached then I would have to end the fun,my marriage is far too precious to risk it for something where the outcome isn't known...

[Amanda69 24]

Love happens when it happens but if you are in a truly stable relationship and are just looking for recreational sex it shouldn't be an issue for you.

[LikeMinds321 1,527]

CnL said:

So how do you deal and manage to separate the sex from love and not fall in love with your swinging partners?

I'm wondering if your concerns are rooted in your upbringing. If you had the religious and social upbringing I had, you were told that you don't have sex with someone unless you love them, and even then you aren't suppose to have sex until after getting married.

 

Because of this brainwashing I had, when I started having sex I felt I had to make myself believe I loved the person in order to relieve myself from the guilt I was experiencing having sex. How's that for mind fucking myself?

 

Fortunately, the man I was having sex with was Mr LM, who I did eventually fall in love with and marry.

 

My advice, if you're unable to separate sex from love, then I'd not recommend swinging for you at this time.

[Chip_n_Muffy 16]

Just don't constantly play with the same people. Hard to fall in love with someone you have limited contact with. This advice runs counter to the "friends first" subset of the swing community, but it is certainly valid advice. JMO.

[CnL 15]

LikeMinds321 said:

I'm wondering if your concerns are rooted in your upbringing.

No, it is not a concern. I have had sex-only partners in the past, where I knew that it was just for fun and nothing more (and I kept it that way).

But during the talks I've had with my wife this thing came up... the "what if".. and of course the "how not to"... and I was curious to see how others deal with it.

 

So good opinions until now... but the more the better.

[appleblossoms20 16]

In our two year relationship with another couple there were many "good times." There was a love there but not the type of love that hubby and I share. We thought the other couple felt the same way....but when the chips were down...(this man became terminally ill) it became apparent that he loved me a way in which I could not love him.

 

It was very difficult to walk away from him and her both but we had to. I believe that this man and a lot of people regardless of age often equate sex with love.

 

Love involves so many other facets....from child-rearing, illness, to caring for an elderly parent....so many things none of which even involves sex. The end of the story resulted in a man losing his wife, business, family and being alone as he struggled with his illness.

 

I wish you the best and hope that before you enter this lifestyle you will have an answer to your question.

[DBL D 120]

LikeMinds321 said:

I'm wondering if your concerns are rooted in your upbringing. If you had the religious and social upbringing I had, you were told that you don't have sex with someone unless you love them, and even then you aren't suppose to have sex until after getting married.

 

Because of this brainwashing I had, when I started having sex I felt I had to make myself believe I loved the person in order to relieve myself from the guilt I was experiencing having sex. How's that for mind fucking myself?

 

Fortunately, the man I was having sex with was Mr LM, who I did eventually fall in love with and marry.

 

My advice, if you're unable to separate sex from love, then I'd not recommend swinging for you at this time.

 

I think I agree with you LM. Guys were under the same brainwashing...Just they fell out of "love" sooner.

 

Your post seems to indicate that you got past that point with your husband in that you say you were fucking and then fell in love so you weren't in love when you started fucking? The first time I had sex with Fem D was 2 years before we got married. I was not in love with her. She may have had feelings for me though. I'm not sure they developed into love for either of us till later...me anyway.

 

As for the OP's question: It's just something that you don't think about. You can't allow it. It's enough that you can share intimately with a couple...even to the point of wanting to be exclusive with them...be happy with that...but the love you have for your wife should never be a match. Solution...keep seeing the person because you are chemically attracted to them, if the Love chemical seeps in then you should probably talk about it...with your partner and SO. Sometimes things that seem like love aren't but just a closeness you feel for the person. I have a female friend in the vanilla world. I love her. I loved it when I could be with her. It was confused with romantic love in my mind and my wife's. In retrospect, I'd say that I had great feelings for her but knew that I loved my wife and that was the choice that was worth sticking to. Those that have kids will relate to that..you love them totally but you wouldn't take it further than that. The same thing has to happen with your partners. You can't go beyond a certain point or it's big trouble.

 

Enjoy the sex and let that be the limit. Program it in now.

[The Fuse 1,012]

CnL said:

Still new to the stuff and haven't really started... my wife isn't 100% ready yet so we decided to give it more time... as long as it takes.

However, in one of our talks a subject came up: the fear of falling in love with someone else. We DO love each other very much and are very happy together, but as they say ..."love is blind". So how do you deal and manage to separate the sex from love and not fall in love with your swinging partners?

 

One of the cool things about swinging is that it's enabled Mr. Fuse and I to hang out with people we normally wouldn't get a chance to be friendly with. We have definitely expanded our horizons as far as the types of people we socialize with now, which is something we wanted to do for years. We're pretty boring, and our vanilla friends are a bit boring too. There's a sameness with respect to type of family background, type of job, financial situation, hopes and plans for the future...and the unspoken assumptions of our lives. We love being with people who are unlike us in many respects -- all great people, just with a different set of priorities etc.

 

A side benefit to swinging with people so unlike us is that we are really far apart on lifelong ambitions, day-to-day priority list, basic values etc. that there is just no chance of falling in love. There are also other more superficial reasons why I wouldn't fall in love with my favorite playmate -- for instance, he smokes. We all just spent a weekend together, but I couldn't live with that every day.

 

I'm not saying this quite right, and may get flamed. But the basic point is that for swinging, I like being with people who are different enough from me that although I really enjoy their company, falling in love is just not a question at all.

 

We would also like to meet couples who are more like us. If and when that happens, I hope to take care to find some good reason I wouldn't form an attachment that would threaten my marriage. In my mind it's okay to be fond of someone, and even to know that I'd go to lengths if he needed something. But there's no doubt in my mind who I'll be with until parted by death.

 

I'll bet that when you start meeting other couples, you and your wife will find yourself saying, "Gee, I like this person and am attracted to them, but if I were single, I probably wouldn't pursue a relationship because of ".

[Additude 457]

For me it's a mindset. I don't want to fall in love, I'm not looking to fall in love. Keep that mindset.

 

However there is not sure fire way to tell you to prevent it from happening. It's up to you and your wife to maintain your love for each other over any other influances from outside your marriage.

 

Lets face it, we can fall in love with a co-worker, the neighbor, close friends, etc. The difference here is sex and it can be divided into two catagories. Making love and Recreational sex.

 

You make love to your wife and she in turn to you. If your swinging with another couple, then it's recreational.

 

Keep it that way and if either of you have any feelings that deviate from that then you need to tell each other about it and respect your marriage.

[Sexyasian 15]

Good replies...any more would be great as this is a concern of mine too.

[sereneiders 263]

I wholly agree with intuition897 here (and goes...).

 

We had two polyamoral relationships with women and we're open to it, we feel pretty comfortable with the idea.

 

We also have this couple we use to hang out, go to clubs, and have sex with. We developed a great friendship besides the sex.

 

This couple always said and keep saying they're not up for a polyamoral relationship. In their mindset this is something they do just for fun, they claim to avoid any relationship that could risk someone of them to fall in love with a partner, and regarding to the "love" thing, they claim to be very jealous.

 

We often discussed this whole "love" thing, since they don't understand where are we grounded as to accept a polyamoral relationship.

 

The other night the four of us were at a club, swapping spouses just for dance, and we started talking about how well the four of us felt when being together. I told her that I could imagine us not having sex because of whatever may happen, but I cannot figure out what would have to happen, able to spoil our friendship. She gave it a thought and then she agreed with me: she was unable to figure out such an scenario, since whatever may happen we're all confident enough on our communicational skills as to work it out. Then I told her "well, we developed a great friendship, the four of us feels affection towards the others, the four of us feel confident enough with the others, i.e. we trust each other, and we all have wide open communication paths to talk about anything... I don't know you, but for me this fits my definition for love... however, I am aware it's politically wrong to use this word in this context, so I promise to avoid giving you two a hard time by using it... but, this is the way I feel. Now that you know this, did this change something?". The answer was "no" with a wide smile in her face.

 

I believe it reaches a point where this is a matter of labels. We're culturally conditioned to qualify certain relationships as "love" and certain others as something else but "love". But if I make an introspection, what makes the difference between my wife and any other person in the face of Earth aren't the feelings, but a common history of building up a strong relationship with a lot of effort from both of us, that at last is the one allowing us to feel so relaxed, and comfortable as to, for example, be able to enjoy the lifestyle. The two of us made a huge investment that required us two to be the way we are to appreciate it and keep investing and increasing the bet. I KNOW that no one else in the world is able to match me in this investment for my wife's eyes (and should such one appear and break our relationship, then it'd be MY judgmental mistake, and I'd prefer this to happen NOW and not in 10 years). It is the appreciation for the tinny every day details, and even when someone could show some of those details, no one else could provide the whole set. It is all of this an not the feelings.

 

But any relationship is a construction where the involved parties made an investment. Besides the labels, we're all open to enjoy whatever we may get from every relationship. Thus I love my family, I love a couple of closest friends and I love my wife. I wouldn't request "exclusivity" on the way they feel towards me from any of them, not even my wife, because I'd feel that by demanding this I'd be tearing apart a beloved one soul. This would resemble the Nazi soldier attitude seen in the "Sophie's Decision" movie, who stops her in a train station and makes her choose between her son or her daughter to save one and give up the other to be killed, or else they both would be killed. So, I wouldn't request for exclusivity, and moreover, I wouldn't accept such a request for myself. And my wife agree and share this moral standard: she wouldn't accept something like this either.

 

I believe that when we talk about love and exclusivity as a relationship required feature, we're not talking about the feelings, but about our fears regarding eventual cracks the already built relationship may have in it basement, something from the relationship itself, or about the spouses personality, that we're afraid it would be able to make the entire building fall apart should something, usually unknown, were able to make the crack grow. Perhaps we use our spouse as a mirror for our fears, demanding from him or her to avoid doing things we're afraid we could do (perhaps it's a way to ask for help to do our part on the relationship building).

 

I am not against this, I am just telling this deserve a second thought. In the OP case, I believe it's mandatory to dig way more deeper on what's behind this "love" label, if there are pending issues, if there are fears, before decide to engaging in swinging.

[Additude 457]

I love my dog, my cat, my children, my friends (I love some more than others), my mom and my dad, my sisters, nieces and nephews and grandbabies.

 

I love my car, my house, my house plants, my aquarium and my green grass in the front yard.

 

I love to mow the lawn. I love to drive, I love vacations. I love Vegas and I love Colorado.

 

I love my job, I love my life and I love money.

 

But I love none other like I love my wife.

 

Remember that love has many different faces, facets and catagories. Even in a polyamoral relationship one will love another more than the other.

 

Just be sure your intentions are focused on your marriage. Contain those feelings only for your spouse and only let those feelings escape that you are in control and aware of.

[charms123 52]

You have some great posts here. Amanda is right on.

 

Although we are soft swingers, we have had our share of fun. We have had this discussion before, and still do. But you have to put it into perspective....

 

We are looking for sex partners, not life partners. N has said time and again that she can extract this part of our life to simply sex (in whatever form that is defined.) Love is something she has for me, our kids, my bank account and her coach purses! Ok, maybe not in that order!

 

But seriously, if you can subtract yourself and see that its only flesh-pleasure, you will not “fall in love.”

 

Unless of course you are starting from a less-than-stable position; a marriage that is not rock solid. If your marriage and life are set, you should be doing this only for fun. Note this excellent thread. 2jersey understands the love verses sex aspect of this lifestyle. After reading this, and soon to discuss with N, we might also make the move! Believe it or not it’s the male in our relationship (me) that is dragging his feet.

 

Take it slow. If you can rationalize the difference, you can walk with a clear conscience and know you will always come back home to those you really “LOVE” and that “LOVE” you.

 

Should that be on a greeting card somewhere? I got dibs!

 

All our best and remember…. PLAY SANE.

[sereneiders 263]

Additude said:

I love my dog, my cat, my children, my friends (I love some more than others), my mom and my dad, my sisters, nieces and nephews and grand-babies.

 

I love my car, my house, my house plants, my aquarium and my green grass in the front yard.

 

I love to mow the lawn. I love to drive, I love vacations. I love Vegas and I love Colorado.

 

I love my job, I love my life and I love money.

 

But I love none other like I love my wife.

 

Remember that love has many different faces, facets and categories. Even in a polyamoral relationship one will love another more than the other.

 

Just be sure your intentions are focused on your marriage. Contain those feelings only for your spouse and only let those feelings escape that you are in control and aware of.

 

What I meant was love is a "bag word", one we use to refer to an uncertain set of things, and depending on the context not even this set is the same.

 

As for the OP, the question is what is she putting inside this set when talking about the chances of falling in love.

 

As for us, we're not afraid to fall in love with others, we would be concerned if we were losing something from our mutual love, and the love for third ones has nothing to do with this concern.

 

I don't believe people have a jar with a fixed amount of love to distribute among beloved ones, in such a way that if you start loving A, it's at the expense of depriving the love you feel towards B.

 

Moreover, if you feel you're starting to loose some "love" from your spouse, I believe you'd have to start looking at your attitude and what's going on in you relationship, disregarding what may happen with third ones.

 

Of course, such a third one may act as a trigger to make us face the things we dislike about our current relationship, but this implies a preexistent lack of communication or awareness.

 

In the other hand, I can understand that any relationship is flawless, and once aware of the flaws (or just in case there were a flaw) we set rules to prevent us to be forced face them, but for these rules to be useful, we'd know our weak points. Being able to recognize our marriage weak points is a requirement to enhance the relationship, and I believe in our case the weak points are currently beyond any third one reach as to be afraid of the consequences of loving him or her. If we were having some doubt about this, we wouldn't be open to any polyamoral relationship.

 

It is valid to do whatever it takes to preserve and enhance your relationship, you can forbid certain attitudes and behavior if required, but it's naive to suppose you can forbid feelings; at most, you can take measures to prevent those feelings to grow, but you have to trust on each other ability and good will to recognize those feelings.

 

The issue isn't about "falling in love", but about the confidence on what you already have in your relationship.

[WesternSwing 504]

CnL said:

Still new to the stuff and haven't really started... my wife isn't 100% ready yet so we decided to give it more time... as long as it takes.

However, in one of our talks a subject came up: the fear of falling in love with someone else. We DO love each other very much and are very happy together, but as they say ..."love is blind". So how do you deal and manage to separate the sex from love and not fall in love with your swinging partners?

Ask yourself "why am I in love with my spouse and not all the other people I dated before them?" There you have your answer.

 

Sex alone is not what keeps marriages together. Swinging really isolates those other things. I can have sex with any woman, I can't have what I have with Mrs. WS with anybody else.

 

Let's face it, I had great sex before I met Mrs. WS. She had great sex before she met me. We have great sex together. Why are we together and not with our ex-spouses or why did we not marry any of the other people we dated? as Marc Maihueird wrote: “Love is what we call the situation which occurs when two people who are sexually compatible discover that they can also tolerate one another in various other circumstances.” We are married because besides great sex we fulfill other areas of each other's lives. We are best friends, we are soul mates. There is an unexplainable bond between us that we didn't have in any of our other relationships.

 

Good sex with someone else is not going to cause your spouse (or you) to fall in love with someone else, unless you are not in love with each other already. If there are problems in your relationship then the door is wide open for others to walk through, whether you swing or not. Most affairs occur with coworkers, friends, and neighbors, not strangers. If your marriage isn't solid to begin with then the risk is just as great that your spouse would fall in love with a neighbor, or a coworker, or someone on their bowling league (I had to steal that one ). If all the other needs in your relationship are met, then even the best sex in the world with someone else will be just that. Great sex. Nothing more.