Do swinger couples love each other more?

[bigjoehd 26]

Hi guy's we're new to the forum but we have been living the life for quite a few years now & within the last 4 or 5 years we decided to come out of the closet so to speak & be open with the fact that we enjoy swinging. Some of the responses from our long time friends have been very accepting but most have been the same like "how can you let another person have sex with somebody you love?" or "there is no way you two really love each other if your doing these type things".

 

I personally worship the ground that my wife walks on, to me she is everything & she feels the same about me. Most of the people we have met over the years that play as we do seemed to have the strongest most commited relationships we have ever seen & the love factor goes way beyond what most couples that we know have in their relationships.

 

For us we consider what we do to be a kind of extreme love for each other. Anybody else ever notice that people in "the lifestyle" seem to have the strongest relationships & are best of friends?

[mickey&minnie 15]

Well as a newbie couple, I can say our relationship has improved. We communicate more now than ever. Our sex life is great also. We are still looking for our first encounter, but we read all the forums together and talk about what we would do in the same situation. We talk about our fantasies and what we want for each other. After reading here we have come to the conclusion that swinger couples for the majority are the most committed and loving. They all say that communication with your partner is the key. We have been having so much fun looking at people in stores/restuarants etc and picking out who we think the other would like. I love my hubby more than anything and really want to experience swinging for "us".

[intuition897 2,179]

I totally agree. Successful lifestyle couples have relationships that others can't relate to because they're connected in ways that "vertical folks" have come to cynically believe are a myth. Fairy tales about happily-ever-after-true-love and down and dirty hot sex with virtual strangers make strange bedfellows, no? The happily-ever-after part is hard enough to believe on its own without adding non-monogamy to it. "Cannot compute." [sparks shooting out of ears].

[WildMiCouple 325]

.....anybody else ever notice that people in "the life" seem to have the strongest relationships & are best of friends?

I can't say that all or most of the people we've met in the lifestyle have the strongest marriages. Perhaps it's because we haven't gotten to know many really well yet. But we do hear from our vanilla friends that they think Tammy and I have a really great marriage. Not just now and then....but we hear it quite often. Dunno.....could be they notice how we act a little wild and show our affection for one another more than they're use to seeing

[NakedInSeattle 159]

Man, do I agree. I think that lifestyle couples are the straightest, most squared away people on earth. They have much fewer jealousies, hangups, and general excess baggage that causes so much grief and heartache in the "vertical" world.

 

The comments like "how can you let another person have sex with somebody you love" or "there is no way you two really love each other if your doing these type things" stem from insecurities and lack of trust and understanding of their spouse/SO.

 

We are so close now that we finish each other's sentences. And we have some of the greatest fun in the world. We both derive a great deal of pleasure from seeing and hearing the other having a wonderful time with somebody or some bodies.

 

Great thread.

[sereneiders 263]

This is something like putting the horses behind the charriot. The fact is, to be abble to be succesfull in this lifestyle you need to improve your mattiage FIRST. And it is because you improved your relationship that you can swing without end up being torn.

 

There are, for sure, couples with issues who engage into swinging. They either quited or ended breaking up, so most of the people we see in the lifestyle are the ones who still remain on the road. Then you could point out swingers have excellent marriages.

 

I'd rather say, just excellent relationships can become swingers.

[prettylady 221]

One of the first things I noticed when I joined the board, was how much the people here love their spouses. I have never heard a man talk about how beautiful his wife is or how wonderful her husband was until I met these people and it seems like they love to express their passion for their partners.

 

My Dog is no different, I was uncomfortable at first the way he talks like I was created just for him. but I love it now. I couldn't imagine not having that kind of care and attention paid to me, I have become more then willing to express my love and adoration for Dog. It is something about the community as a whole that allows this sort of thing. In the non swinging world you would get rolled eyes or a sarcastic get a room comment, as if they don't want to see or hear this much affection. You may get a get a room responce from this group, but mostly with an added can we join quip at the end.

 

The swinging lifestyle brings out so much passion, why contain it?

[WesternSwing 504]

I think it is very hard for vanillas to wrap their mind our lifestyle and why we do it. As Intuition said, they've bought into the whole idea of only being able to lust one person the rest of your life, and lusting after someone else means something is wrong in their relationship - although they do it. I think it means they are human.

 

People put too much emphasis on the sex part and not enough on the companionship aspect of their relationship. They foolishly confuse lust with love, and base their whole relationship on that.

 

Swingers (and polys) have moved beyond those petty jealousies and realize that true love is relishing your partners happiness. In jealousy there is more self-love then love. People confuse being jealous and possesive with love, the idea being the greater the love the greater the jealousy.

 

The fact is, it's because we love each other so much that we can swing. It's reveling in the happiness of the one you love. It's not being insecure and possesive. My wife's happiness is essential to my own.

 

From True Love, by Thich Nhat Hanh (Shambhala, 1997).

 

Simple Solution:

 

Love is one of the most confusing of feelings. What some people call “love” may be possessiveness, or simple desire, or some other lesser emotion.

 

According to Buddhism, there are four elements of true love. Read what this wise teacher has to say, and find out if what you feel is true love. Here are the four aspects of true love.

 

1. Loving-kindness. Loving-kindness is not only the desire to make someone happy, to bring joy to a beloved person, it is the ability to bring joy and happiness to the person you love, because even if your intention is to love this person, your love might make him or her suffer. To be able to give happiness and joy, you must practice deep looking toward the person you love. Because if you do not understand this person, you cannot love properly.

 

2. Compassion. This is not only the desire to ease the pain of another person, but the ability to do so. You must practice deep looking in order to gain a good understanding of the nature of the suffering of this person, in order to be able to help him or her to change.

 

3. Joy. If there is no joy in love, it is not true love. If you are suffering all the time, if you cry all the time, and if you make the person you love cry, this is not really love--it is even the opposite. If there is no joy in your love, you can be sure that it is not true love.

 

4. Freedom. In true love, you attain freedom. When you love, you bring freedom to the person you love. If the opposite is true, it is not true love. You must love in such a way that the person you love feels free, not only outside but also inside. “Dear one, do you have enough space in your heart and all around you?” This is an intelligent question for testing whether your love is something real.

[intuition897 2,179]

WS, that was beautiful! If ever there was a convincing argument that what we do is right and acceptable in the sight of God, this is it. I can't speak for everyone else, but this is exactly why we enjoy swinging. It's an expression of love and of complete surrender of ourselves for the good of one another.

[Amanda69 24]

Precisely because we love our partners and trust them that we are able to bring in other experiences to continue to enhance that relationship.

 

Most of us grew up with the images of the perfect relationship and manogomy, it is hard for anyone who hasn't opened up to other possibilities to see how this lifestyle can add to an already wonderful relationship. We are brainwashed from childhood, that jealousy we tend to feel comes from those images.

[feelin_froggy 15]

I, too, have noticed this- and commented on it more than once to Mr. Froggy.

I think it's one of the things I like the most about the lifestyle.

 

We went to a nudist/swinger's camp Memorial Day weekend. We were enjoying the pool when, I said to the Mister "Look."

Everywhere around us, couples were talking to each other, floating with each other, actually looking at each other in the eyes! It really lifted my heart.

 

When we go to vanilla outings, typically all I see are couples either arguing, spending all of their time away from each other, or seemingly bored with one another.

 

The couples that I know in the lifestyle are more committed to their marriages and each other. That's a difficult concept for many vanilla's to wrap their minds around. (That, and that there is a difference between swinging and cheating, but that is a whole 'nother thread... )

[JustAskJulie 2,595]

I think that one answer that can be given to the "how can you do this if you love your partner?" question is ....

 

We love each other enough to be completely open and honest with each other about our fantasies and desires. We love each other enough to always want to see our partner satisfied and happy and we would do anything to make that happen. We realize, in our love for them, that sometimes we alone might not be enough to satisfy our partner and after TALKING about this have decided together that seeing each other happy and satisfied is one of the most important things to each of us so we make every effort to make that happen. How far will you go to make your partner happy? How often do you do things behind their back because you are afraid that it will make her unhappy? We have found a way to never have to sneak around or not be completely open and honest with each other and it works for us. It may not work for everyone and I'm not asking you to join us in this, but we feel it is very important to be 100% open and honest with those we care about (especially each other) and that's why we chose to tell you about our choice.

[RDfnd 180]

Reminds me of a saying I have heard in the past. Went something like this:

" If you love someone, let them go. If they return, they are yours. If they don't, they never were."

[WesternSwing 504]

Pondering this more... As Julie said, we love and trust our spouse enough to be open and honest about our desires, and even our wants, needs, and feelings. This spills over into other aspects of the relationship, also, not just sex. We are more open about other hot-button issues like money, parenting approaches, and day-to-day decisions in being a couple.

 

We have got to the point where we love and trust each other enough that we know we want to be with each other. We don't, out of insecurity and fear, have to keep our spouse locked-up so they won't leave us.

 

These are things that many will never find or understand. Yes, some do outside the Lifestyle, but I think a much smaller percentage then those in the Lifestyle.

[Tybee Swing 286]

What a wonderful thread! I love WesternSwing's post.

 

We went to a nudist/swinger's camp Memorial Day weekend. We were enjoying the pool when, I said to the Mister "Look."

Everywhere around us, couples were talking to each other, floating with each other, actually looking at each other in the eyes! It really lifted my heart.

 

When we go to vanilla outings, typically all I see are couples either arguing, spending all of their time away from each other, or seemingly bored with one another.

 

I know just what you mean. I love being this close to my husband, love the deep sense of intuition we seem to have by virtue of how close we are in heart, mind and soul. I wish all couples could have that connection, whether swinging, or not.

[04kingpin 15]

The day before I read this post my wife made the a comment in passing. It was a joke really-had to be there. "What are we other than the sex?" I was shocked at first. But we have been having a lot of incredible sex lately and maybe the meaning of us got lost in all the lust. Kids out, more time blah, blah blah. It got me thinking about it so I wrote her this. This is the love we have and what it means to me. The talk of swinging has only brought us closer together and created a dialog we have never had before.

 

The family we raised.

Someone to keep me in line.

Someone to bug me.

Someone to bug.

Someone to hug me.

Someone to hug.

Someone to talk to.

Someone to hold when I need it.

Someone to caress.

Someone to kiss.

Someone to tell me when I'm wrong.

Someone to tell me when I'm right.

Someone to do the things I cant.

Someone to listen to me and hear what I say.

Someone to listen too.

Someone who accepts me for what I am.

Someone to share with.

Someone to take from.

Someone to trust.

Someone to trust me.

Someone who grew up with me.

Someone to grow with still.

Someone to grow old with.

Someone to stay young with.

Someone who knows what I'm thinking.

Someone who likes the things I do.

Someone to give to.

Someone to make happy.

Someone to piss off.

Someone that loves me.

Someone to love.

[Snake 'n Bunny 16]

Well, I don't know if I'm qualified to answer since we're only in the infancy stage of our exploration but I can tell you what I/we feel so far. By our very willingness to discuss this whole thing we've opened up a whole new dimension to our relationship.....a wonderful dimension. I think if you can talk about your sexual fantasies openly AND talk about making them a reality, there isn't anything you can't talk about. It takes away the need to hide a part of you from your partner and instead allows you to *share* the part that MOST couples have to hide. So instead of one partner hiding part of themselves from the other, you are BOTH conspirators in your own lives and nothing brings people closer than that. LOL Am I making any sense here? I've always felt that sex is a very important part of a relationship and if you can keep your sex life good, you can work most things out. Exploring this lifestyle not only keeps your sex life good, but I believe it never allows you to forget your partner is a sexual being, which in day to day life is often easy to forget. I'd better quit while I'm ahead.

[ShellyM 0]

Admittedly, we are very new to the lifestyle. So I can't say anything about how its been since we started having relationships with other people. But, just the hours spent at the lifestyle club around the atmosphere that is so erotically and sexually charged was enough to put a huge spark. We literally have not had this much sex, and such passionate sex, since we were dating. And its been some time ago lol. I think when women feel sexual and erotic it comes out. I hate to think how we are going to behave once we take that step and start actually having relationships with other couples.

[ShellyM 0]

Snake said:

By our very willingness to discuss this whole thing we've opened up a whole new dimension to our relationship.....a wonderful dimension. I think if you can talk about your sexual fantasies openly AND talk about making them a reality, there isn't anything you can't talk about. It takes away the need to hide a part of you from your partner and instead allows you to *share* the part that MOST couples have to hide. So instead of one partner hiding part of themselves from the other, you are BOTH conspirators in your own lives and nothing brings people closer than that.

 

How do you do that, talk to each other about your fantasies? It seems that every time Jay and I try to do it we end up being more embarrassed than anything. I for one find it hard to "expose" those innermost thoughts, even to my husband.

[prettylady 221]

How do you do that, talk to each other about your fantasies? It seems that every time Jay and I try to do it we end up being more embarassed than anything. I for one find it hard to "expose" those innermost thoughts, even to my husband.

 

Hey Shelly, You know when you go to the beach and ask if the water is cold, and your friend says just jump in you will get use to it?

 

Well Shelly, Jump in...the waters great.

 

I couldn't even say the word anal, let alone suggest Dog and I do it. But Dog is open minded, I had to hint but he got the picture. I am getting better with saying what I want. Practice, practice,pratice.

 

If you both want to talk about fantasies then do it.

 

No it is not easier said than done. It is easier done once said.

[04kingpin 15]

driveajeepnaked said:

Thanks for that thought... actually, my son is getting married this fall, and I'm modifying your list a bit, as the toast at his wedding...

Ya gotta figure, when you can take a post of Swinger Board and use it at a child's wedding, there must be something special about it ?

 

Wow! I cant think of a better compliment!

Best of luck to your son and his wife.

[Snake 'n Bunny 16]

How do you do that, talk to each other about your fantasies? It seems that every time Jay and I try to do it we end up being more embarassed than anything. I for one find it hard to "expose" those innermost thoughts, even to my husband.

 

I don't know. We didn't start out being that open but the sex between us has always been so good and after, while we're laying there, we talk a LOT. We've always found our communication level is WAY up after a good round of lovemaking/fucking. I think I probably started out rather tentatively asking him if he'd like to try this or that and he'd counter with "would YOU?". LOL I think once I started admitting to him that I WAS a bit of a pervert and had fantasies I'd like to explore, he began to feel better about opening up about his. I've always been pretty open about sex, even with our kids, since I felt we needed to make sure they could come to us with ANYTHING and not be embarrassed. Maybe gritting my teeth through some very embarrassing conversations with THEM, has made sharing sexual fantasies with my SO seem like a walk in the park. I think the important thing to keep in mind is, NEVER make them feel foolish for whatever they may say.

[Snake 'n Bunny 16]

When Bunny and I first were together, I could not believe that the girl was real. I had spent my entire life fooling others and myself. Society doesn’t really approve of folks like me, although they always call on us for the hard jobs! A product of the “corporate culture” I'm afraid. If I revealed myself, little children would run away screaming! After all, it's not everyday one welcome a bona fide sociopath into ones home and bed. LOL! BUT, after a LONG round of lovemaking/fucking /lovemaking I found that we were VERY intimate. Yes I know that we just spent HOURS exchanging precious body fluids and enjoying each other to the nth degree BUT intimacy was AFTER when we lying together.

[catalina8591 15]

Wow! I was just thinking this same thing after reading many of these posts! We have become closer because we do share this and it is up front - no cheating behind either's back and all the negative energy.

 

The other night we had a Bday party - lots of vertical people / one girl got really drunk, and as my hubby was puttign to bed on our couch she started wantign to mess around with him, he looked at me, and I rolled my eyes cuz she was drunk and we both knew if he played for 30 sec she would fall asleep, so he just nuzzled her boobs and OUT she went. The next day she apologized profusely - I said no prob. I was doing the dishes 20 ft away!! ha ha Of course he didn't think of it as very sexual since he was primarily trying to get her quiet... she had been obnoxious. But she kinda freaked out that I didn't kick her butt!

[TwoLittleBirds 23]

Before we agreed to consider swingng, or an open relationship, we decided to MAKE SURE our own house was in order. We came into this (potential) aspect of our life knowing it's not like a foreign menages trois movie or some porn flick. After an hour for those characters, the camera turns off. Not so for us. We wanted to know we were ready. And that anyone we bring into bed with us is what wifey calls "emotionally mature."

[Napoleon 230]

Love can't accurately be quantified.

[MrandMrsA 76]

Love can't accurately be quantified.

 

It's not so much about quantity of a single type of love as it is about a wider spectrum of type of love.

[Napoleon 230]

It's not so much about quantity of a single type of love as it is about a wider spectrum of type of love.

 

Whatever you say.

[HerSweetness 141]

(M here) In my opinion, I believe it so. Only because I love T and trust T more than I ever have another. It’s the honesty and the connection. The way we are so open in sharing our fantasies. To me It’s more than just having sex with others. It’s connection with others , want T to be free and feel so much pleasure . We have not yet gotten lucky and experienced another couple. We are such people persons that I believe it would not be a problem once we are able to spend more time. It takes a very special love to be ok with sharing the soul makes you feel amazing. Real Trust,  real care, selflessness is what we have . It’s what I see/ read that most swingers do have. I feel that’s what is wrong in most relationships. All of course is my own opinion & what i experience with my love. When we do finally get to spend more than a week together... T will be all mine for a very long time.. We have something so special & all I ever want is for T to be as free and feel as good as T makes me feel just being in my life. T rings out the real me and never judges me for it . You have to have confidence in yourself  & relationship. Always be truthful no matter what. I see these qualities in most swingers. So yes I believe swingers do love each other more.  There is so much more I would love to say about this. But I have to get ready for work?

[couplers 4,653]

"Do swinger couples love each other more?"

 

Trying to think about it objectively, that's a hard question to answer.  Even if there is some way to measure and the answer is "Yes," how does one know which is the cause and which is the effect?  I.e., perhaps those willing to let their spouse engage in sexual activity with another person are more loving in the first place, not that swinging brings ordinary people closer.

 

In my own mind, I would love each of my partners the same if I suddenly found myself in a monogamous relationship with him/her.  The only real change is having found that I can love a woman equally as I could a man, and after sharing child birth and caring for children together with Clair and Lora, even more.

[kittyswinger 260]

I believe as swinger, love could no longer be measured in terms of sweet romantic emotions as most lovers or couples would normally do.  Aside from having 2 partners/lovers in a poly vee, I've mostly 'swinged' with partners that I liked.  So there was always some form of affection that goes with sex for me.  It will be very confusing now to equate this feeling alone with love.  Therefore, I have to set a higher bar for "love" in my situation.  For me, love would mean actions that speak louder than words. Love is a hypothesis at this point until proven by action.  With SO, we stuck together in our darkest moments...so, check! ✅  With bf, we are half-way but going there.  He remained true to his words, not finding any other girl but me. On my part, I'm willing to give him the family he wishes.  As all this will unfold in the future,  that will determine whether it is truly or merely