Let me hear your "I thought I was in love story"

[Thrax 384]

Woooo-HOOO!

 

Good for you, her and your spouses! Polyamory is obviously something that's very hard to organize. Glad to hear you made it work for all four of you!

 

Can't wait to hear how your next foursome goes with your friends once her husband and your wife are fully informed! Please let us know how you came to an agreement with your wife for this set-up with her best friend. I'm sure it would make similar situations easier for others posting here.

 

 

Thrax

[athena2910 17]

First thing, I never said swingers were cheaters, I was merely making a generalization in that post. I don't think that the swinger's lifestyle is wrong or otherwise. I was merely comparing how someone outside of the loop would react to that type of behaviour to that of the reaction I got on here from coming out with my situation. You get it now?...

Also, when I said that this affair has been going on for 6 months, I " " affair. It may be semi-emotional at best....... and yes, to be HONEST ( I say this because I lie quite often ), I probably would fuck her when or if the opportunity presents itself even though we have been alone numerous times and nothing has happened, except for one kiss. It's just that, it's not all about sex....... you guys just don't get it, and how could I expect you to? This has never happened to you.

 

Oh please... spare me the "this has never happened to you" line. I bet there are plenty of people on this site and in the world in general who developed "feelings" for someone other than their spouse.

 

What I think everyone's made very clear is that when that happens, you have several options: the first is to ignore those feelings and make a grown-up decision not to act on them out of respect for your spouse.

 

The second option is to dwell on your infatuation with "Ms. perfect" and ruin your marriage and probably break your wife's heart. (Hey, but whatever floats your boat, right?)

 

The third option is to come clean with your feelings of attraction toward your wife's best friend, so at least your wife will know what (and who) she's dealing with. That's not to say your attraction is wrong in and of itself, after all, we can't control how we feel, but we sure can control how we act.

 

But the bottom line is that marriages stay together or not, due to one thing and one thing only: it's called "commitment." You are either committed to staying married and working through things like being attracted to your wife's best friend, or your not committed to anything but indulging your feelings.

 

And indulging one's feelings can be a very dangerous way to live one's life. Maybe that's where you're trying to draw an analogy between what you're doing and what swingers do. It's true that swingers indulge their sexual appetites with other people and on the surface, I can see why you'd think that somehow is related to your life, but as these people have told you many times, their primary focus is their marriage, and swinging is just a shared activity that they both enjoy.

 

See the difference?

 

Athena

[Guest gravyshake]

What's the problem?? You get to have sex with her and she likes it. You get to do just about anything to her and she does it to you in return. That sounds like a good deal to me. Love her all you want. Just keep it to yourself and sit back and enjoy. Why mess it up with emotions??

[usis 15]

C'mon People... this thread has really gone out on a Limb!

 

Quote

 

Good for you, her and your spouses! Polyamory is obviously something that's very hard to organize. Glad to hear you made it work for all four of you!

 

Can't wait to hear how your next foursome goes with your friends once her husband and your wife are fully informed!

 

 

We are trying very very hard to make it work (and it may never pan out the way we would like) and also by being VERY CAREFUL not to be selfish...Soooo if you would like another perspective, and want to see a little background, please read Loving your swinging partner

 

Actually read the whole thread and the differing opinions and I assure we are real and I also assure you we are not Trolls!...and we LOVE our own Primary Spouses, First and Foremost, BUT we also LOVE Each other, very very much And In A Committed way!...Life is not cut and dried...

 

"Oh please... spare me the "this has never happened to you" line. I bet there are plenty of people on this site and in the world in general who developed "feelings" for someone other than their spouse."

 

 

This is sooo true!

 

That's not to say your attraction is wrong in and of itself, after all, we can't control how we feel, but we sure can control how we act.

 

This Is also Soooo Very True!

 

"But the bottom line is that marriages stay together or not, due to one thing and one thing only: it's called "commitment." You are either committed to staying married and working through things like being attracted to your wife's best friend, or your not committed to anything but indulging your feelings.

"

We Really Like this statement. it epitomizes every thing there is about commitment! And goes back to not being selfish... Until....When and If "our" spouses can agree on being comfortable with our situation...it will continue as it is!!!

 

Regards To Everyone,

[Thrax 384]

usis, from your post I infer that you didn't understand that I was being sarcastic to the OP in Post #166 in this thread.

 

I realize that what he is doing is cheating...he's having an affair with his wife's best friend. And he's been trying to justify it on this Board. But, it is obviously not polyamory, since the two of them are boinking without the consent of their respective spouses, as he mentioned. If the Wikipedia definition of poly is acceptable ["Polyamory is the practice or lifestyle of being open to having more than one loving, intimate relationship at a time, with the full knowledge and consent of all partners involved." (my emphasis.)], then the OP and the "wife's best friend" are not polyamorists. And neither are they swingers.

 

So, I realize that the OP and the friend are not in a poly relationship. If I offended any other polyamorists with that comment, then I'm sorry.

[usis 15]

Thrash,

No I didn't misunderstand that you were being sarcastic

 

What I am trying to say is that this thread has went way off base, and run it's course. The OP had a legitimate question, but yes he is a admitted cheater...And EvilMJ what you said in your post is where it's at. RE- I just wanted to remind everyone that all questions are welcome. Please read the expected behavior section of all the threads. If anyone needed to be reminded of this I have spoken to them privately. Lets keep the discussions going in an adult manner and leave off any name calling or personal attacks.

 

And if we came off as being obnoxious in our first post, we also apologize. I might add that it is not always so easy to be totally honest, but if you read our story (from the Link in our post, above) you will see that we ARE trying. Some of you may cut us some slack and understand... that there can be many facets to relationships that cannot always be controlled. We were sympathetic and were trying to give TS a break because all we felt was that what he was doing, in the beginning, was asking a simple question. And wanted to hear other people's experiences. And as I mentioned before the thread went way off track...Almost has become "fodder" for a Comic Book, when in reality these things are serious, matters.

[Tortured_Soul 15]

Well, you said it better than I ever could have. Thanks. I did come here looking for advice ( beating the dead horse, I know ).... and I got some. i didn't come on here looking to get some sort of validation for cheating. Duh, I know that IS something which can not be done. So get that out of your systems right now as I know cheating is wrong, although I do continue to do it. I came here hoping to get "snapped" out of this state I am in. I gave a hx of my affairs to let you know that I am not some green noob who falls in love with any pussy he sees.... this is just not the case. I have told this woman that I love her, she has told me she is not in love with her husband. I feel sadness when I am with my wife... not sure why... sad because SHE is not there when my wife is -or- sad that I am with my wife. I really don't know. All I do know is that this woman makes me smile, makes me feel special. She makes me feel like I am watching a movie or asleep having an awesome dream. it really is indescribable. it is so powerful... it is like nothing I ever felt. I know that I love this woman..... and it is only a matter of time before I finally end it with my wife.

 

With that said, I don't know why some of you make it a point to bash me for what I am doing. I really just don't get it.... does it make you feel better about yourself? Does making me feel like shit make you feel like gold? Do you see me thread bombing the "the condom broke" thread? It's like me going over there and saying .. well it serves you right.. having sex with someone else is just wrong, and I am sure your spouse will be happy when he finds out you are pregnant with so and sos baby. That's just ridiculous. If you despise me and/or this thread... just stay out of it.it's not like I am bumping this thread every other day so if you want to plump up your post count you'll just have to start your own thread , that's if you have an interesting/positive thread that anyone would want to respond to. This board is funny, several people have PM'd me.... saying that they are afraid to post publicly here as they know what the reaction will be. That's sad.

 

That's all I have to say. Don't like the thread, don't bump it. I already know how witty and funny you are... please don't waste your intelligence on this cheater's thread.

[Tortured_Soul 15]

athena2910 said:

Oh please... spare me the "this has never happened to you" line. I bet there are plenty of people on this site and in the world in general who developed "feelings" for someone other than their spouse.

 

it's funny because when I first posted, I was told that no one had ever done this... that I was in the minority. That is why I said that. I was told it hadn't happened, and then you come out and say " spare me". Jesus. I can't win around here ( not that I am trying to ). And I agree with you, I bet there are plenty.... but only a few have come forward to tell me about it.

[intuition897 2,179]

Do you see me thread bombing the "the condom broke" thread? It's like me going over there and saying .. well it serves you right.. having sex with someone else is just wrong, and I am sure your spouse will be happy when he finds out you are pregnant with so and sos baby.

 

Just to clarify...

 

Do you actually believe this? Or were you being facetious?

[JustAskJulie 2,595]

it's funny because when I first posted, I was told that noone had ever done this... that I was in the minority. That is why I said taht. I was told it hadn't happened, and then you come out and say " spare me". Jesus. I can't win around here ( not that I am trying to ). And I agree with you, I bet there are plenty.... but only a few have come forward to tell me about it.

 

Where? I'm having trouble finding where anyone said that had NEVER happened, some may have said it had never happened to them, but I doubt seriously that anyone said it had NEVER happened to anyone. What puts you in the minority is that rather than being honest and coming clean and trying to do what was best for your marriage you followed your dick, lied to your wife, cheated on her and are now in the process of ruining two marriages.

 

In Fact:

 

Post #10:

I can say that, Yes I was in your spot before, minus the swinging part. I left my husband because the relationship just wasn't any good for me.He was an ass. But, I did "fall in love" or so I thought, with another man. It was a hard time for my ex and I. Looking back now I realize that leaving my husband and going into a relationship with this other guy was a huge mistake. I wasn't ready for such a change.

 

Post #11

I, in fact, have never fallen in love with a swing partner. But I am sure it has happened occasionally as we have seen posts to that effect here previously.

 

Most of the posts prioer to that were questioning your situation trying to get a better understanding of it, other than that there were several cases of people saying that they HAD NOT personally.

[JustAskJulie 2,595]

I had to go back and read a bit to catch up because when I first read this post I thought that perhaps Usis was the female that Tortured Soul is cheating with. Now that I've got that straightened out, I want to respond to Usis and say that there is a big difference between your situation and that of Tortured Soul (at least from what I can gather from your other posts). That difference is honesty. That honesty is the one issue that everyone here has had with Tortured Soul. He refuses to be honest with his wife, instead he would rather hurt her and cheat on her behind her back. This is where you and he differ. You and F realized what was going on and opted to be honest with everyone and everyone decided to accept this outcome that has occurred. With TS he has not been honest or given his wife (or the other woman's husband) the chance to accept anything.

 

This is the one point that he has failed to see over and over again. Yes it happens, yes people fall in love and no it can't be helped. But you CAN choose to be honest. He could have been honest with his wife about what was/is happening, but he has chosen not to. He has chosen to hide the truth from her and cheat on her (maybe not sexually but emotionally).

 

Usis I think it's great what your foursome has worked out, and I hope you will stick around and participate here. In the next short while we will be adding a forum dedicated to polyamory and how it overlaps with swinging. I hope the four of you will add your thoughts there and perhaps even start a few discussions.

 

Tortured Soul: You just don't get it. Honestly. That's the one point that has been made to you over and over again. But it's not what you want to hear and until you hear what you want to hear you will continue to fight with everyone who tells you anything else and refuse to hear what they are saying. You want permission to cheat. I'm sure there are boards out there that will provide it to you but you will be hard-pressed to get it here.

 

Good Luck and I wish your wife the best in finding someone who respects her much more than you have.

[ShellyM 0]

Tortured_Soul said:

I have been with a few women in my life.... I guess around here, who hasn't? I don't consider myself to be a swinger but I have swapped partners a few times ( albeit 99% of the time it's the same couple ). The thing I am in total love with this woman , she is 10 years older than me and she is beautiful, hell I'd go as far as saying she is perfect... in every sense of the word. The problem is this... we are both married with children....and she is my wife's best friend.... oucha, I know.

 

Now, this is what I want from you guys, I want to hear about times that you felt like this. Was it always just fucking -or- were there times that you just felt like that one particular person might just be the one?

 

Help me get out of this haze I am in...........

 

Ouch! How are you doing on this situation? This is something else.

[ShellyM 0]

well things went okay today... she stopped by the house for a visit but I was sleeping. So that worked out well. I honestly don't know if I have enough will power not to talk to this woman. I can hold back on the sexual part of it, but not talking is hard. When we are together it seems like there is a lot of sexual tension there, it's insane. I don't know if my life could be any more messed up at this point.

 

Hello. I can only give my opinion on this. Number one, and I'll be honest. Now, I AM coming from the woman's perspective. If I were your wife and I found out about this I would probably beat her ass for being disrespectful to me and my family. To me its all about respect. She comes into your wife's house after talking with you about loving you, wanting you, etc....and then comes up to me in MY house and is like "hey girl!" pretending to be my best friend? I'm telling you, there'd be some damn furniture moved around there lol. Seriously. That alone really irks me, that she says to your wife that she is her best friend, and then behind your wife's back sits with her husband and talks all of this.....anyways. Let me tell you something, and I'm not being harsh, only honest. That old saying of the grass always looks greener on the other side is most times the TRUTH. See, this lady is a fantasy. See, with your wife you have to be in the "real world" so to speak...there are bills, theres the mortgage and the electric, and work, and stress. This lady, there is none of that. I have met so many couples that have cheated and entered into new relationships they thought were just the loves of their lives...I mean, I can't live without her! I know what you are feeling. You sit at work and you think about her, you wake up and you are thinking about her. But trust me, if you had life's stresses the relationship would change just like everyone else's has. I'm just giving you some friendly advice on this. Trust me, I know she has a halo around her head when you look at her. But usually once you are living with someone and picking up their dirty towels, and reality sets in, things change. I hope this doesn't offend you, because its not meant to. But think things over before you act.

[Lumina 16]

Tortured_Soul said:

I didn't come on here looking to get some sort of validation for cheating. Duh, I know that IS something which can not be done. So get that out of your systems right now as I know cheating is wrong, although I do continue to do it.

Quote

With that said, I don't know why some of you make it a point to bash me for what I am doing.

 

Uh, duh yourself. You know it's wrong, you do it anyway even though it hurts the woman who you vowed to love, care for and cherish. And you wonder why you're not getting support?

 

People tried to smack you over the head with this in an attempt to "snap you out of the state you were in"--just as you requested. I know if I were considering something I shouldn't do and someone pointed out how much it would hurt my loved one, that's all it would take to stop me dead in my tracks. Apparently your love and consideration for your wife wasn't strong enough. Don't blame the posters here for their efforts, they simply tried to do what you asked using a tack that would work for the majority of us.

[ShellyM 0]

gravyshake said:

What's the problem?? You get to have sex with her and she likes it. You get to do just about anything to her and she does it to you in return. That sounds like a good deal to me. Love her all you want. Just keep it to yourself and sit back and enjoy. Why mess it up with emotions??

 

See, this is exactly why our divorce rate is nearing 70%.

 

Just keeping it to yourself doesn't work. What if she gets pregnant? What happens when she falls in love with you, and when you say no she says she is going to tell your wife? That happens A LOT. Actually, I think that is how most affairs get exposed. Usually (not always) the woman begins to fall in love, and he is just in it for an affair. She says the wife or me, and he pretty much always says "the wife"....then she, in an effort to hold onto a dying relationship, says I'm telling the wife. Then all hell breaks loose. Trust me, my friend was in one of these wonderful scenarios. Trust me, keeping it to yourself rarely works.

[ShellyM 0]

Tortured_Soul said:

Just an update.....

 

We consummated our 'affair'... and it was SPECTACULAR. No, really it was. Thanks for all the support guys, I couldn't have made it this far if I didn't listen to your advice. YOU know who you are. Thanks again.

 

I hope you are prepared to lose your marriage over this when your wife finds out about your affair...by the way, is wonder woman still pretending to be your wife's BEST friend??

[prettylady 221]

Now begins the heart break, tears, stomach aches, fear of being caught, the separation, divorce. I really hope in the end, she really is your one and only.

[Tortured_Soul 15]

intuition897 said:

Just to clarify...

 

Do you actually believe this? Or were you being facetious?

 

No, I don't feel that way.

[Tortured_Soul 15]

ShellyM said:

Hello. I can only give my opinion on this. Number one, and I'll be honest. Now, I AM coming from the woman's perspective. If I were your wife and I found out about this I would probably beat her ass for being disrespectful to me and my family. To me its all about respect. She comes into your wife's house after talking with you about loving you, wanting you, etc....and then comes up to me in MY house and is like "hey girl!" pretending to be my best friend? I'm telling you, there'd be some damn furniture moved around there lol. Seriously. That alone really irks me, that she says to your wife that she is her best friend, and then behind your wife's back sits with her husband and talks all of this.....anyways. Let me tell you something, and I'm not being harsh, only honest. That old saying of the grass always looks greener on the other side is most times the TRUTH. See, this lady is a fantasy. See, with your wife you have to be in the "real world" so to speak...there are bills, there's the mortgage and the electric, and work, and stress. This lady, there is none of that. I have met so many couples that have cheated and entered into new relationships they thought were just the loves of their lives...I mean, I can't live without her! I know what you are feeling. You sit at work and you think about her, you wake up and you are thinking about her. But trust me, if you had life's stresses the relationship would change just like everyone else's has. I'm just giving you some friendly advice on this. Trust me, I know she has a halo around her head when you look at her. But usually once you are living with someone and picking up their dirty towels, and reality sets in, things change. I hope this doesn't offend you, because its not meant to. But think things over before you act.

 

That is exactly how I feel, and ultimately it is what I fear at the same time. We have talked about our current states.... and we have decided to take our time and enjoy whatever time we have together . I am not willing to end this prematurely as it would weigh on my mind for the rest of my days. If it is love, we will feel the same way about each other in a year... 10 years, whatever.

 

 

And guys, who's arguing here? I'm not. And sure my wife does deserve someone better.... I guess everyone does.

[Tortured_Soul 15]

Well, it turns out we had a few more run ins, a few more conversations... and happened to get some alone time together. I told her I loved her and she told me the same. I was scared to tell her , but I did. I really have noone else to talk to about this, I know noone here cares, but it makes me feel a little better sharing... don't know why. It just does. I just wish I was talking to her when I was talking to you guys, I guess. When I am no longer around here, you'll know why.......... I'll be with her.

[Spoomonkey 420]

Tortured_Soul said:

When I am no longer around here, you'll know why.......... I'll be with her.

 

Awesome!

 

Your kids will get two Christmases!!!

 

Yay for them

[fun4two 15]

Ok, here I go...if I am being mean oh well...

 

You are married asking other swingers if they have ever fell for another partner. We have very close friends in the lifestyle but never would fall for them. If you have never loved your wife you should of never got married...having children doesn't mean you have to get married.

 

It seems to me you want pity. It seems that you and this other women her so called best friend our getting your kicks in front of her face. If you remotely ever loved your wife or still do you would tell her the truth, it's not very hard. The damage is already done if you think about it.. All you are thinking about is your feelings and your feelings alone...what about hers. Honesty is very important, especially in this community...suck it up and be a man.

[MoonLightKiss 28]

Spoomonkey said:

Awesome!

 

Your kids will get two Christmases!!!

 

Yay for them

 

LOL you always have a humorous way of putting it. Unfortunately, though you may be right.

 

TS, Be a man. Tell your wife. You have already done the deed, and it seems as if you made up your mind. I truly hope this woman is your one and only like prettylady said, but I have my own suspicions as to this situation. This whole thing SMELLS like you wanted the other woman, but didn't want to tell your wife until you knew the other woman was on board. If the other woman wasn't on board then oh well, no harm no foul, you still have your faithful wife.

 

Perhaps I am wrong, I hope to God I am because that would be truly low in my book. Perhaps I hit the nail on the head. However regardless of your motives you need to grow a pair, be a man, and tell your wife you are (choice 1) leaving (or choice 2) cheating and want forgiveness. Frankly, I don't rightly give a flying leap off a 20 story building what you do, but your wife deserves at the very least your honesty. Being as you brought this to a swingers board, we uphold honesty above all. You should have known that would be the response.

[JustAskJulie 2,595]

Instead of being here talking to us you SHOULD be there talking to her... to both HERS, your wife and the other woman.

[Tortured_Soul 15]

Well, I took your advice (part of it anyway). I told the other woman that I had cheated on my wife previously. She said that she was glad I told her the truth because a friend of hers had asked her if I had done this kinda thing before. It felt good telling her, you guys were right.

[MoonLightKiss 28]

So, you told the other woman, but not your wife. Perhaps you think tellng the other woman is all you need to do but I do recall the advice of TELLING YOUR WIFE. SHE is the one that deserves the respect. SHE took vows, had your children etc. SHE is the one being left in the dark.

 

It seems you are offering more respect to the OTHER woman, a woman btw who has no problem sleeping with her BEST FRIENDS husband. Gee, she really deserves to be treated like gold.

 

Its obvious you refuse to hear what everyone here is saying. You are going to do what you want, which includes treating your wife with less respect than a dog gets. So I wish you all the best that KARMA has to offer.

[Tortured_Soul 15]

Telling my wife would do more damage to her than it would to me. I do care about my wife, I don't want to hurt her for the sake of getting it off my chest. I think taht would be plain STUPID and mean.Anyway, my wife and I are now going through a seperation. It just happened last night, so we are still working out the details.

[ShellyM 0]

Well, it turns out we had a few more run ins, a few more conversations... and happened to get some alone time together. I told her I loved her and she told me the same. I was scared to tell her , but I did. I really have noone else to talk to about this, I know noone here cares, but it makes me feel a little better sharing... don't know why. It just does. I just wish I was talking to her when I was talking to you guys, I guess. When I am no longer around here, you'll know why.......... I'll be with her.

 

I don't know what to tell you, because you are going to do what you want to do. But I feel sorry for your wife in all of this mess. When she finds out she is going to feel like a fool, because you are screwing her supposed friend right under her nose. And she will probably blame herself. She is the only one I feel sorry for, and the children. They are the victims in this mess. I tell you. Jay and I are far, far from perfect. But dammit, we are honest. And there is something to be said for being honest.

[ShellyM 0]

Well, I took your advice ( part of it anyway ). I told the other woman that I had cheated on my wife previously. She said that she was glad I told her the truth because a friend of hers had asked her if I had done this kinda thing before. It felt good telling her, you guys were right.

 

Okay, we meant talk to your wife. I personally don't give a shit if the other woman feels good or not. Sorry, but at this point I do mean to be kind of harsh. You cannot have your cake and eat it too. And, coming from a wife's perspective, just how do you look her in the face every day?

[ShellyM 0]

Telling my wife would do more damage to her than it would to me. I do care about my wife, I don't want to hurt her for the sake of getting it off my chest. I think taht would be plain STUPID and mean.Anyway, my wife and I are now going through a seperation. It just happened last night, so we are still working out the details.

 

So my friend, now that you and cinderella have to join the real world, what do you think is going to happen to the fantasy you have been existing in?? Now, I apologize for being so harsh. I do, because I am not a mean person. But I just cannot stand cheating spouses, and the other women. My dad cheated on my mom. And I remember what it was like, sitting at home with her waiting for him to stop banging his girlfriend, and saw what it did to her. So, this brings up a lot of anger and hurt. Please man, for the sake of your children and wife. Be honest! Please tell your wife that this was not HER fault. That she is a good woman, and deserving of a good man who is loyal to her. And the children, just love them. As far as your girlfriend, if thats who she is now. Well, I have no pity on her at all. Like I said in my first post, if she were my friend I'd whoop her ass, good or not.

[Tortured_Soul 15]

Well it's out, I finally got enough courage to come clean with my wife. It was a bad scene but I did it. That's all I have for an update. All I can say is I did what made me happy.

 

Thanks for the advice, I guess i did end up taking it after all.

[FloridaFlirt 15]

Hey TS how are things going? Haven't seen you post here lately.

[Tortured_Soul 15]

Things are good. Moving in with the g/f very soon... and getting some loose ends tied up. (divorce). I am very happy about the decisions I made, I feel like a better person. I am so much happier and that is reflected in every aspect of my life (imo). I love the person I am with, and for once I can say that I love myself as well. I know it sounds corny, but things are really good right now.

[Spoomonkey 420]

Tortured_Soul said:

I know it sounds corny, but things are really good right now.

 

Cool.

 

How are the kids?

[twobears 16]

well I have been there, before we were swingers in fact, my husband knew and ask me what I saw in this man, when I could not look him in the face and talk it out it was all about being in defense of getting hurt. I had a step daughter that had told me my hubby her father had cheated on me while I was active duty away from home. What she did not know was how understanding her father was and what a wonderful man he is and always was. I ask for a divorce even this was a second marriage for both of us and we had no children in our marriage. We have talked about this in our marriage and we both know if we can not stop thinking about or get our minds off of a playmate,then we don't see them again. We are committed to our marriage and the love we have for each other. You are in a "poly " kind of relationship and you should read and look into it, you should have stopped being with this couple long time ago in a phyical way. Swingers do not leave there mates because something feels better or sex is better with someone else, you just bring what you learn home to play with the one you love. I think you forgot to sperate love from sex, you should have never let this go on for so long. I hope you will work through these feeling,and not hurt your family and friends and all the little ones.

[twobears 16]

well I am glad you are happy but swinging did not get you here so don't say it did, and I hope you don't regret all the pain you have given, poly would have been better than a divorce.

[telly2 15]

I am not going to scold you here. It sounds like you are in real pain over this, I can understand, being caught between 2, not in my swing life, but in real life. It was a long time ago, when MrT and I first got together. My advise is really look inside your self, is this other woman really worth splitting your family for, I know that isn't necessarily where you want to go, but it might end up there if your wife feels this is a threat. She may back away from you, if she feel you are not happy with her, or find that you are having an emotional affair. People don't think of it but being able to talk about more deep things with another can be taken as an affair. I really hope that you can sort this out with in yourself before the hammer drops and you are cut from both women. Maybe some real time with your wife is the cure. Try to find away to get away and spend some quality time with her and find the love and romance again, to connect with her to the point that you can talk to her about everything, instead of needing the other woman to feel that need.

 

For those of you who have never been here, don't scold, it is no help, this guy needs real advice not sarcasm. He obviously needs to be assured that he is not alone, and real advice on how to get his marriage back on track, or he wouldn't have posted it here. Sorry if i am being harsh, but come on, we are all here to better each other not flame and cut people up for their feelings.

 

So tortured soul, before you jump in or out of anything, really put some effort into your marriage, talk to your wife about this and see what she wants as well, i can almost guarantee that she will want to help you and your marriage, fine this other is her friend too, but i think you are more important than her, and she will split the friendship if that is what is needed to strengthen the marriage.

 

Best of luck

Chantal

 

As I am blond, and missed his last post, i am going to leave this here, and maybe someone else can benefit from this post at a later date. Also tortured soul, best of luck with the g/f. I hope it all works out for you.

[Mr&MrsSwing 16]

if nothing else, i am glad you are no longer with your wife. you are the scum of the earth. My prayers will be that you will never be allowed to see your children again, and that your wife finds a wonderful man who fathers your children and behaves as a father should. if all this comes true, my ultimate wish will be that your newly found "love" will fall for another man and leave you alone. I hope you find yourself alone forever.

[Guest MrsVan]

Edison Carter said:

The first warning sign is that you think she's 'perfect'. No one is. If she thinks you're 'perfect' that's double trouble. You have a wife and kids and to you the grass appears 'greener'. It's not and if you want to feel misery, see how you feel becoming a 'weekend dad' after the divorce.

 

I agree with Edison Carter here! If you think she is "perfect" you are very wrong. Because what the two of you are doing to your wife and her best friend is far from being perfect.

 

Just think about not only your wife, but think about your kids...God, if these kids have grown knowing this woman to be their mom's best friend and then you both destroy your marriages to be with each other...Do you really think that as your children get older they are ever going to accept this woman into their lives???? Hell no!!!

 

As everyone else has said here, you need to be honest with your wife. If you do not love her then fine, tell her so and move on WITHOUT the friend....If you love your wife then I think it is time for you to call it quits with this friend and focus on your marriage.

 

I can also say that MrVan and I have NEVER falling in love with a playmate. The only person I have truly fallen in love with is MrVan and MrVan only.

[Funcpl647 15]

Just curious. If Tortured Soul and his new woman stayed together, say 20 years (or longer) would everyone change their opinion about him? What if they truly love each other AND their relationship stands the test of time? Is everyone on this board married only once and only to the love of their life? I am amazed at the lashing this guy got. There are so many details that come into play in a decision like this that we know nothing about. How can anyone explain their whole life, their complete emotional makeup - their everything - on a message board so that people will have even an inkling of what is actually taking place and how incredibly painful it is to make the hardest decision of his life?

[Spoomonkey 420]

Funcpl647 said:

Is everyone on this board married only once and only to the love of their life?

 

I doubt that and can affirm that I am not in my first marriage. However, I did not come here - when traveling down that very painful road - to blog about my infidelity and seek a pat on the back for being at my very worst (which I certainly was at the time).

 

And having been through that I can confidently say that a swinger's board is not and SHOULD NOT be a place where broken marriages come to be fixed.

 

I did not leave my wife for another - I left my wife because of the person I made her - and the person that she made me. I can only hope that in her new marriage she has found what I have found now in mine. But, I can say unashamed that the woman who broke up my marriage became my ex-wife for doing so

 

I will also say this - I was seeking people not to make my divorce easier, but to make my divorce nearly impossible. I worked my ass of to save the failure that I had made, to no avail except for knowing I did everything I could. Tortured_Soul has done little more than mock his marriage on this board and I think he has gotten exactly the response he was due.

 

I personally wouldn't change a word...

[Guest MrsVan]

Funcpl647 said:

Just curious. If Tortured Soul and his new woman stayed together, say 20 years (or longer) would everyone change their opinion about him? What if they truly love each other AND their relationship stands the test of time? Is everyone on this board married only once and only to the love of their life? I am amazed at the lashing this guy got. There are so many details that come into play in a decision like this that we know nothing about. How can anyone explain their whole life, their complete emotional makeup - their everything - on a message board so that people will have even an inkling of what is actually taking place and how incredibly painful it is to make the hardest decision of his life?

 

The lashing this guy got was the fact that he had a wife and kids and in the midst of all of that he CHEATED on his wife. I have no respect for anyone who cheats on their spouse as I have been the one who was cheated on and it is extremely painful. If you are not happy in the marriage then the first step is to get out, get divorced THEN move on. If this guy handled the situation differently then maybe he would not have gotten lashed at as bad. But the fact that he CHEATED gave everyone the reason to do so.

 

Yes, I am on my second marriage but the first marriage did not end because I choose to be with someone else. He cheated on me and decided to be with someone else. I do not regret the decisions I made after that as I am much happier now than I was then. If this guys relationship works out, then great. But I just hope that the kids do not suffer any more than what they probably are already doing. Although the adults suffer and hurt the most, the kids take it much harder than the adults.

[EvilMJ 65]

I have to agree with the others on this one. If he had said he was having problems in his marriage, has fallen in love with another woman and was thinking of leaving, then I am sure he would have gotten a different response.

 

But he didn't, he said he has cheated on his wife, and doesn't want to come forward...oh but not for his sake, for her sake. Right. The guy got blasted for having little or no respect for his wife and family. I can respect leaving a marriage that is not longer working (for what ever reason) but I cannot respect cheating. That's just me. I am glad he finally did the right thing, faced the music and moved on.

 

Oh and I am in my first (and hopefully only) marriage, I am a second wife. My husband and his first wife parted on good terms, they just married too young and realized they had little to nothing in common and things were going to work out. Sometimes that happens, its how you decide to deal with it that makes all the difference.

[Funcpl647 15]

Great comments. And points well taken. I agree that venting on a swinger's board was not the place he should have been. Did he look here for support because they met as swing partners? And yes, it would have been better if he had learned to be honest - with himself, his wife, and his girlfriend from the beginning. Being honest saves so much time and energy. But, life isn't always tidy. I imagine we all have made a few decisions that we regretted when looking back. I know I've made a few.

 

We are not in our first marriages either. But, thank God, have found the "love of our life". So glad we did. I wish the best for him and his children. It's such a terribly painful and difficult time ... but time does heal. It would be interesting to know where he ends up, wouldn't it?

[Guest MrsVan]

Funcpl647 said:

We are not in our first marriages either. But, thank God, have found the "love of our life". So glad we did. I wish the best for him and his children. It's such a terribly painful and difficult time ... but time does heal. It would be interesting to know where he ends up, wouldn't it?

 

It is great to have found the "love of our life" as I have found that in MrVan. My ex-husband and I separated on really bad and painful terms for me but it took a guy like MrVan to save me from the pain I was going through.

 

Although I disagree with how this guy handled things in the beginning, I wish him the best and hope that his relationship with his children does not suffer because of the decisions made. But I do agree with your comment that "time does heal" as many of my wounds from my previous marriage are gone except for a few that pop up here and there when I see things that bring back bad memories. But having such a hot amazing husband to wrap his arms around me is all I need to get through it.

 

I wish him luck in his relationship!

[Tortured_Soul 15]

Hi all, i thought I'd just stop by and see if I was still getting bashed, really I did expect to hear it. I came here and was honest and was looking for some input, that's all.

 

My g/f and I are still together, she is a wonderful person and it makes me happy knowing that I make someone feel as special as they make me feel. I married young and I really didn't know what love was.

 

I thought, at the beginning of my marriage, I was in love. But how could I be in love and be unhappy at the same time? The reason? it wasn't love. I never knew what it was and to be honest I thought I had found love with my wife and that it just wasn't as great as it was made out to be. I stayed with my wife because of my kids, plain and simple. No other reason.

 

I have found something special in this woman that I love and I would do it all over again to be with her.

[Tortured_Soul 15]

Well it's been almost 8 months since we decided to tell our spouses what was up. I am still in love with this woman. She is all I could ever want or need. I am with my kids every other weekend and one night every week. Things are going good there as well. Things between me and my ex have settled. She has a new bf, and a new house. She seems to be doing well. I am not proud of what I did, and I wish that I felt the same way towards my wife as I do for this woman. Unfortunately, I didn't. I think coming clean as some of you told me to do, really was for the best. It was hard at first, but as time passes, everyone seems to be doing better.

 

cheers.

[Tortured_Soul 15]

Still going strong....