When do you let the other couple know your limits?

[prettylady 221]

I asked this question within a thread that JustaskJulie posted so I am putting it here so I don't rob Julie of her thread.

 

Ok here I go, I am about to show the green behind my ears AGAIN.

I am just getting use to letting my lover (Dog) know about what I want. I am just getting use to looking him in the eyes and saying yes babe I want to swing. I have never been with a man so open and honest, I am still a little gun shy about saying what I want.

Now, here is where I show my green.

Geez if only you guys could see how much I am stuggling getting this out.

OK, how do you say, hey I need you to tell me when you are going to cum.

is it over dinner at the resturant? Do you sit down at on the bed and say ok here are my hard limits, and soft limits.

I know in the end that setting limits is the only way to go. But when and how do you approach this topic?

Do my questions make sence?

What color does red(my face) and green(my ears) make. That is the shade of me right now.

You guys are the best and I know you wont laugh at me....well ok maybe you will, but I know you will answer my question honestly.

 

Your friend,

Prettylady

[Amanda69 24]

The sooner the better is always best. Also remember what you say you want or are comfortable with one day may change the next. I always make sure my partners understand my limits can be somewhat fluid at times. We always have a quick check in before going out with a couple, where are we at today and what are the things we are okay with.

 

Again this can change during the night we find a slow song is a great time to have a little touch base conversation.

[Dynamar 246]

I'd just say it playfully right before going down... i.e., "Just give me a little warning when you're about to cum, ok?". Deliver it with a smile and a wink, and you'll be fine.

[JP51 40]

Ok, understand your thought process...question is?

 

Are you asking "Dog, you need to tell me when you are going to cum, with her?"

 

or are you asking your new play partner "Tell, me when you are going to cum?"

 

in either case, following it with a comment along the lines of "I need to hear it, it is such a turn on" will never put anyone off.

 

If it with another partner, whom you want to cum in a special place, or you do not want him to cum someplace, just say so, during foreplay...like...you know "John, I really want you to cum on my breast, no matter what we are doing, please do this for me". As for Dog just tell him to be vocal, you "want to know"; he will not have a problem with it I am sure!

 

Any guy lucky to have you and passed your screening will comply with your wishes, with a "no problem". And be happy you told him what you want!

[good times 991]

I think a lot of newbies overthink these type of things, I know we did. My advice, while probably not very helpful, is to say it whenever it fits into the conversation you are having. You may find the best time is just before the act in question, as some of the others have said, or you may find that you are having a conversation with the couple and the subject of limits comes up and you can mention it then. We have, in fact, even had conversations like this at dinner.

 

It is funny how most of us have no problem carying on a conversation with others in the vanilla world, but when we come to swinging we all of a sudden get worried about what we say and when we should say it. Fact is, we are all just people, so just say what you need to say when you need to say it. This was a hard one for us, and I think it took us about a year or more of swinging before we learned that things always work out better if we say what is on our mind rather than wait for the appropriate time, which never comes, so it often doesn't get said.

[Lumina 16]

It is funny how most of us have no problem carying on a conversation with others in the vanilla world, but when we come to swinging we all of a sudden get worried about what we say and when we should say it.

I don't know, my vanilla friends have never needed to know that I'm a squirter.

 

Seriously, I don't know if times have changed (it's been 10 years since my last first date) or if the swinging world differs from the dating world but there seem to be definate differences between swinging and my dating experiences.

 

With dating, I never had conversations about rules beforehand. We just kind of went slowly and felt each other out. I would have considered it absurd for a guy to tell me that he'd only have sex with women who are shaved just so, or for women to require a minimum penis size. But from what I've read here that seems to be acceptable. So there do seem to be more awkward things that have to be worked into conversation than I ever had with dating.

[ShellyM 0]

You are SO sweet girlie....and believe it or not, your questions always answer MY questions too lol. What I tell people is this: don't tell me when my slacks are at my ankles lol. I think everyone should understand the dos and donts before playing and petting even begins. The man should know from the very beginning that if he wants to be with me he needs to make sure his little friend is wearing a condom. And lifewise, what he and his wife expect from us. BUT, in the bedroom is not the time to decide you want a rule lol.

[NJCouple 16]

We too are new to swinging. (A couple of MFM threesomes). We have met for drinks with a few couples, but have not yet set our first couples play date. (I think it will be soon!) We have found swingers to be great people socially and very easy to talk with. Even discussing sex in a public place became easy and comfortable. WOW! I think choosing someone experienced in the lifestyle and with whom you have a high comfort level is the key to easy communication and a great first time. At least thats what I'm hoping for.

Good Luck!

[sexcupid 809]

This is a very good question. I agree with Amanda69 about limits being fluid (sorry I didn't quote it), for me depending on the day or situation my opinion or feeling about doing something may be vastly different.

 

And i really don't have anything better to add than maybe before play gets started, instead of having everyone naked and then say, "Ok guys...the rules for tonight's playtime are...."

 

Reading this makes me need to go look through the archives before I start a new thread...thanks for getting the wheels turning Prettylady!

[Pepper & Drew 384]

With new couples, it usually comes up for us once we've made it back to our destination for playing and the small talk is happening. Actually, speaking of transitions (in the another thread), a pretty direct transition we've used is "so, what are your rules?" That way, we'll get into a discussion about what everybody's into and NOT into, and usually that lends its way to the next step.

 

Pepper

[hiswhooore 15]

My BF and I are very upfront with eachother. Usually when there's an upcoming event we talk (a lot) and we get a feel of what we both want. For instance he will ask "Is there anything different that you would like to do this time?" That there saves me the trouble of the old "um babe, umm can you please...you know do whatever differently...without sounding ungrateful. I remember telling my BF that I would like it if he told me before he was gonna cum. I think it was more of a "hey next time your fucking me I want you to lean in and tell me in my ear your gonna cum"...he did it and it turned me on so much. Of course now he screams it out, especially when I...you know ! Communication is the key!!

[driveajeepnaked 26]

Pepper,

 

We have used the "what are your rules" question, and it usually works out good. What do you do with the couple who say they have no rules or limits... that anything goes??

 

I'm tempted to bring them home and have them clean the house or something

 

It's just hard to imagine a NO limits at all evening. Even Mr. Jeep and I have limits between ourselves - somewhere...

 

V

[Pepper & Drew 384]

Pepper,

 

We have used the "what are your rules" question, and it usually works out good. What do you do with the couple who say they have no rules or limits... that anything goes??

 

I'm tempted to bring them home and have them clean the house or something

 

It's just hard to imagine a NO limits at all evening. Even Mr. Jeep and I have limits between ourselves - somewhere...

 

V

 

We've never had a couple who had no limits. I think that would scare the sh** outta me. Especially if they lived on a farm. With sheep...or horses .

 

During a recent "what are your limits" conversation, it came out that Mrs. Playmate cannot see cum. Makes her nauseous. That was a new one to me.

 

Pepper

[telly2 15]

Hi.Mr.Telly2 here.

 

I can't deny the green stripe down our backs in this lifestyle,but it just seems logical to meet with potential playmates in "neutral teritory" first(coffee shop,park or whatever).That way there's time to feel each other out(not litterally) without unnessessary tension and be sure everyone knows what's No and what's Go.Should make for a more entertaining meet the next time.

 

 

Later,Gaters!

[ohash01 20]

We have found that chatting outside of emails (yahoo, aim, phone) allows everyone to state their limits and discuss what, if we got close, would be negotiable. With the one couple we talk to the most, our very first live chat was pretty much nothing except "what DO you want, what DON'T you want".

 

As for the "cum" warning. You can tell them a billion times before you start, but from experience, men forget that you would like a warning, so tell him several times before AND ask him IN the process. "Are you close babe? Is this gonna make you cum? Tell me.".

 

I'm not sure if you have the same issue as I do, but if I'm not given warning, I had the tendency to get a little gaggy...however...if I am given warning I can adjust my tongue to kind of block the little hangy-ball that gets hit and makes me gag.

[JustAskJulie 2,595]

As others said there is no specific time to let the other couple know your limits, all I know is that we make sure it does come up at some point before we decide whether or not to play together. It seems like when talking to other couples one of the most common first questions is "So what you are looking for?" (meaning are you here to swap, threesome, f/f, etc). Assuming that the response from that question leads us to believe that we are all on the same page, the next question could easily be "what are your rules or limits?". It's pointless for the question to come up if there's no interest or possibility of a connection.

[MrsPandMe 150]

As for the "cum" warning. You can tell them a billion times before you start, but from experience, men forget that you would like a warning, so tell him several times before AND ask him IN the process. "Are you close babe? Is this gonna make you cum? Tell me.".

 

I'm not sure if you have the same issue as I do, but if I'm not given warning, I had the tendency to get a little gaggy...however...if I am given warning I can adjust my tongue to kind of block the little hangy-ball that gets hit and makes me gag.

 

Ya know... I've been cumming for a long time now, and it seems to me that it's physiologically impossible to NOT know when you're going to cum. Anyone who's in the lifestyle I would have to assume has had a fair amount of sex and/or experience with masturbation to know the signs, so I'm inclined to think a violation of the "don't cum without warning me" rule is intentional. Ergo, a general lack of respect. Not good times, IMO.

 

P.