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Menage_a_Trois

Welcome to Polyville...introduce your poly relationships here!

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Hello everyone and welcome to Polyville! Welcome Let us introduce ourselves. We are a triad which consists of a married couple and a live in girlfriend. We are Tom, Annie & Pam. While polyamory relationships take on many different forms, our relationship is like a marriage between the three of us, all of us being equal, sharing in all aspects of this relationship and we are ALL active in the swinging lifestyle (just like couples swing together, the three of us swing together).

 

We are open to discussing any and all questions regarding polyamory and how it does or does not relate to swinging. While we are a triad in a polyamorous relationship we do not pretend to have all the answers to all your questions HOWEVER we will do our best to find them for you or at least provide a discussion for them. Something we have noticed is that a lot of swingers are “offended/intimidated” by those who are polyamorous and vice versa. This usually is a result of not really understanding the other side. We hope this forum will help bridge the gap in understanding for all parties. We are not here to CONVINCE or CONVERT anyone – only to help understand. Just like swinging isn’t for everyone, neither is a poly relationship.

 

There are no stupid questions only unasked ones……so the forum is officially open – let the questions/thoughts begin.

 

The Menage’s :kissface::):kissface:

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I'd like to introduce us as well, and offer my thanks for providing this forum.

 

We are a triad tool. We are a married couple, and I have another partner who lives several hours away with his female partner. He splits his time between there and here, about 50/50. His son often stays with us as well.

 

I like the extended family that we're forming, as my husband enjoys spending time with his son, and my kids care for his family as well.

 

We're trying to make things up as we go, because there aren't a lot of instruction manuals about this stuff.

 

The relationship we have with my secondary partner's partner isn't perfect, but I think we've kind of resolved that as long as we're on the same chapter, not necessarily the same page, we're doing okay.

 

I look forward to contributing here.

 

Edited to add: Yes, we swing too. That one's a challenge. Most couples prefer couples, not triads, but as we make friends, that too is becoming easier.

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Well as for intro... I am J and the primary is D, the other couple in the poly are A & A, they are signing up for the board. So they can intro themself's when they feel secure about this board. We (J&D) have known each other since we were kids and been married forever...met A&A and formed what we all think has becomed a poly relationship in all aspects. Yes we do swing too...but right now that is not a priority on any of our lives.

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Hi, this is my first post, and wanted to make sure I put it in the right thread. My hubby and I are the A and A in JP51's post. I have been lurking on the board for a month, trying to read as much as a can. I have learned a lot during my "research" on this board. I have hesitated posting, because I am not sure where we fit in. But I finally decided to take the plunge and post. :) We are new to swinging, and have only swung with one couple. Amazingly, it has quickly become way more than swinging. As the feelings we all have for each other have turned into "love". We are all surprised at how quickly this has happened. We are still trying to figure it out. It is good to have a place to discuss it!

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We too have to deal with this on an ongoing basis. It does seem to get easier as people get to know us. When we first got together and started swinging, we thought it wouldn't be a problem, especially since there were two women involved and that seems to be what a lot of people are intersted in. But we have found that our relationship seems to put off some people and make others very uneasy. We try not to let peoples attitudes about our relationship bother us and we are always open to answering any questions they have for us about it. We would be very intersted in hearing how you deal with your triad when swinging.

 

T, A, and P

 

Hi Folks, not sure if this should be in a different thread, so feel free to move it, but I was curious about this statement.

 

Since, we are not looking for a long term, classic relationship per say, in swinging, I just would not have figure this to be an issue. Well I guess it would be for us anyways. :lol: As long as your relationship was solid, which most poeple can see pretty quickly, what is the problem? I am just curious, is it because the other couples feel threatend that you might try to "include" them into your relationship? If so, that seems absurd to me, just like it would seem absurd that someone might feel that I wanted to include them in a longterm relationship with MrsVan...

 

Not sure if that makes sense...but I really amazed me when I read this, that because you happen to be a triad, that is actually caused issues with finding playmates..

 

-Van

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Just wanted to intro myself and say hi, I am the married M portion of a triad, my wife has another significant other who lives with us. I am very enthusiastic about the forum, because this is our first time with an experience like this, and have all kinds of questions. I look forward to benefiting from everyone here and sharing what I can to help others.

 

 

:)

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We are a triad tool. We are a married couple, and I have another partner who lives several hours away with his female partner. He splits his time between there and here, about 50/50.

 

Okay, get ready for the stupid questions....lol!

 

How do you manage a poly-type relationship when your partner lives so far away? Does his female partner know about you? Does she ever participate? My husband and I have a great relationship with a male friend which recently became sexual, on the advent of his moving several hours away. I'm probably grasping at straws here, but if he happens to form a relationship with another woman but would still be allowed to join my husband and me again, I would consider myself extremely fortunate! There are definitely strong feelings all around. I'd love any insight as to how you all make it work.

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We are a married couple of a Quad poly. (MFMF) Both couples have children still at home and around the same ages. We enjoy spending "family" time toghether almost every weekend. We do the same things any normal family would do, camping, fishing, going to the beach, cooking out....etc....

 

I hope anyone with any questions concerning our relationship or there relationship would feel free to ask.

 

Good luck in all your searches for "happiness"

 

J and M :)

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Here goes. We've always enjoyed swinging...once we started we had plenty of fun and no jealousy. We met a couple in January of this year and now Gator and I are in what I call a poly-type relationship. We do not all live together.

 

I never saw this in our future and to be honest I probably would have done anything I could to avoid it. Is it strange that I don't have a problem and can enjoy watching him have sex with another woman but sharing him emotionally with one was devastating to begin with? I'll be honest and say that I felt very justified in that feeling.

 

But..I love the man and really want him to have all that he can out of life. So, when he and the lady of the couple fell hard for each other, we decided to give things a try (and that is the most edited version of what happened that I could think of). Now the four of us are in a relationship together. It is work I'll say and I'll admit to being jealous to begin with.

 

It is mostly all fine now. There are still a few things we have to figure out how to deal with. We need a middle ground...nothing to either extreme. We are slowly finding it between each couple and the four of us. Gator and I are interested in swinging again (while we were getting things worked out it seemed best to put that on hold). The other couple aren't quite ready for that.

 

Gator and I feel that we should at least start out doing so as a quad. It will make it easier on feelings all around. We realize that it will be difficult but we'll treat this like everything else we have since we started in the lifestyle two years ago...patience...it'll happen when it happens.

 

Vol

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Here goes. We've always enjoyed swinging...once we started we had plenty of fun and no jealousy. We met a couple in January of this year and now Gator and I are in what I call a poly-type relationship. We do not all live together. I never saw this in our future and to be honest I probably would have done anything I could to avoid it. Is it strange that I don't have a problem and can enjoy watching him have sex with another woman but sharing him emotionally with one was devastating to begin with? I'll be honest and say that I felt very justified in that feeling. But..I love the man and really want him to have all that he can out of life. So, when he and the lady of the couple fell hard for each other, we decided to give things a try (and that is the most edited version of what happened that I could think of). Now the four of us are in a relationship together. It is work I'll say and I'll admit to being jealous to begin with. It is mostly all fine now. There are still a few things we have to figure out how to deal with. We need a middle ground...nothing to either extreme. We are slowly finding it between each couple and the four of us. Gator and I are interested in swinging again (while we were getting things worked out it seemed best to put that on hold). The other couple aren't quite ready for that. Gator and I feel that we should at least start out doing so as a quad. It will make it easier on feelings all around. We realize that it will be difficult but we'll treat this like everything else we have since we started in the lifestyle two years ago...patience...it'll happen when it happens.

 

Vol

 

 

Poly relationship are difficult at best and there is always feeling involved from one or all parties BUT when it works it is incredible. Glad to have you here :Welcome: in Polyville and we look forward to hearing from you!

 

I have to ask why where you jealous? Was it that he felt strongly for someone else or that you were loosing time with him, etc.........we all have things that we are initally always "comfortable" with until we full understand them. Perhaps your sharing with us here will help someone else experiencing something similar.

 

The Menage's

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I probably should have told that to start with. It was a big step for me to post. I'm a pretty private person. Especially about something I'm not totally sure about. I'm more sure than I've ever been so, here I am.

 

Note, this is even harder for me to say. I have never said anything to anyone about Gator in the negative. He will understand me posting here though. Actually, I've asked all three of them if it is ok for me to post about us or I wouldn't have done so even now.

 

Gator, totally ignored me. I'm not talking showed me less attention. I'm talking about ignoring and even putting me down a few times in front of her to make her feel better. He was different than I have ever seen him. He and I have always had a good relationship. Things to overcome, certainly, and with some things that others do not face (sexual abuse as a child for me). Before we started swinging we were very close, talked all the time about all kinds of things. Spent all our free time together. Continued after entering the lifestyle. I'm not sure that I can completely explain the whole problem with why I was jealous. But the major thing was that I felt I had lost him completely. Now, I think he doesn't give her enough attention. Which is why I said we are working on a middle ground. Now that I know I am just as important to him as I've always been jealousy isn't much of a problem. Now, I feel that once the middle ground is found that I mentioned, we'll be doing really well. I've had issues with her as well but I like her. I really do. Love her in my way. She just was asking more than I was comfortable with. Once the infatuation for them both settled into more manageable feelings, it has been easier. I'm not bi but she is. I also felt I couldn't give her everything she deserved. She is the only woman who I've let touch me in a sexual way. That just shows how much I feel for her. She assures me that it is enough. The other man...well, we are so alike it is unreal...as are Gator and the other lady. I think that is probably a lot what we get from the other couple and vise versa. We do get things from them that we don't each other.

 

Anyone who reads this, feel free to ask any questions. I wouldn't have posted if I wasn't ready to answer them. This has been a strange and complex situation. If anything that we have gone through could help someone have less problems then I'm more than willing to share and help all that I can.

 

Vol

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I thought I would give an update to our poly situation.

 

Good, very good. We've all made some great strides in our relationship. Most of problems were basically communication issues it seems. I think communication within a quad is even more important than a diad if that is possible. Multiple 2 people and how important communication is by 2 more people. Things are really going great right now and we are happier than we've been in a while. Our biggest problem right now is seeing each other as much as we'd like. Moving closer together is most definitely something we hope to accomplish in the near future. We've been discussing moving in together. That is a better solution but not as feasible right now. Partly due to most of our families not knowing about the extent of our relationship. That is something we are slowly working on revealing. I have to say (especially for someone who would never have considered this for herself) that I feel extremely lucky to have the amount of love I do from two wonderful men. And the friendships of the women and men are a great thing, too.

 

We still have things to address but, we are really getting there.

 

Vol

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Vol thanks for the update to your situation and reviving this thread...

 

This is my first time really posting about this so bear with me :) My husband and I have been married for 3 1/2 years and have been best friends for the last 11 years. We dated for about a year and 1/2 in high school as well.. he is my first love and the only person I really allowed myself to love because even when we weren't "together" I felt it would have been betraying my feelings for him to love another in the same way... we've always had great open communication and respect for each other and so about a year ago he mentioned to me the idea of getting into poly type relationships. Neither of us had done anything like it before...

 

Well about 6 months ago after talking and figuring things out I started dating my boyfriend. He lives out near Chicago and we live in Connecticut as of now, and we spent a wonderful weekend together in October, but finances being what they are haven't been able to get together in person again since.. however we talk online or on the phone pretty much every day..

 

My husband also has an opportunity if he wishes to establish a relationship of his own, however I must admit that I get jealous to think of him having another woman especially if she is close seeing as my boyfriend is so far away... part of that stems from the fact that I have a high libido and he's happy with once a week.. and that sort of makes me feel that if he found another woman then I'd get it even less...if that makes sense.:rollseye: We are hoping within the next year at most to be moving to FL permanently and with that my boyfriend also moving down to the area that we'll be going. I don't ever see him living with us and our 3 kids.. I just don't see that being really feasible. And I honestly think at that point if my hubby were to find a gf that I wouldn't have an issue with it..

 

See we had a bit different ideas I think when we were talking about this. When he said poly and I started researching it I wound up equating it with how you love your kids if you have more than 1 (we have 3) I love all my children equally but not the "same" because they're different individuals. They each have their own personalities and quirks and it's not possible to love them the "same"... just as I love my husband and my boyfriend on 2 different spectrum's. My boyfriend is the second man I've ever really loved because hubby said that it was "okay" to do and therefore I didn't feel like I was betraying him by delving into it.. Hubby thought of it more like really good friends with benefits.. and maybe a bit of feelings but not full on love..

 

He's had a bit of jealousy if he sees me say "I love you" or am talking to my boyfriend a lot.. and when I see that I take 5 and find out what's going on and do my best to reassure him and resolve any situation..

 

Okay so a couple questions from you guys..

 

#1 Is it normal to not plan to ever live together with the other S/O's? Does that work as well or what have you than living together?

 

#2 I know there's a lot of stuff in the post, do you guys have any suggestions or advice on how to handle the jealousy or just advice in general.. things to look out for or what not. I found a lot of info on poly online, but my husband doesn't really want to read anything on it.. let's rephrase.. he doesn't really read this board or anything related to all this.. he knows I do and if something comes across as pertinent I pass it along, but he'd rather just live life and go as we go.. I tend to take the advice to heart and implement it as necessary so he doesn't really have to lol he just generally follows my lead..

 

Sorry so long,and seemingly scattered.. there's a lot I want to say and ask but can't quite gather my thoughts at the moment for all of it. If it doesn't belong here in this thread feel free to move it to it's own or whatever :surrend:

 

~Blade~

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Okay so a couple questions from you guys..

 

#1 Is it normal to not plan to ever live together with the other S/O's? Does that work as well or what have you than living together?~Blade~

 

What's normal? Your relationship(s) is different than mine or anyone elses. You have to do what works for you. Yes, I've heard of people in poly relationships that do not live together. To be frank, in my experience, I've heard of more who don't than do. It is our goal eventually. Right now we live two hours apart. :(

 

 

#2 I know there's a lot of stuff in the post, do you guys have any suggestions or advice on how to handle the jealousy or just advice in general.. things to look out for or what not. I found a lot of info on poly online, but my husband doesn't really want to read anything on it.. let's rephrase.. he doesn't really read this board or anything related to all this.. he knows I do and if something comes across as pertinent I pass it along, but he'd rather just live life and go as we go.. I tend to take the advice to heart and implement it as necessary so he doesn't really have to lol he just generally follows my lead..

 

~Blade~

 

Regarding the jealousy, that's something I faced with this and it came as a complete shock to me. I've never really been a jealous person. Not regarding swinging or not the whole 26 years we've been together except when Gator feel in love with his girlfriend. It just totally rocked my little world. However, I love Gator so much I can't begin to describe it. I wanted, even then, for him to have all he could in life. So, we set out on a journey along a road we came to very unexpectedly. This meant I had to get a handle on that jealousy. Because poly just fell into our laps, we've made mistakes...hard ones by all four of us but Gator and I had to deal with ours first. I so wish I had known a poly relationship was what we were heading toward...I'd have done research much sooner and may have avoided some of my mistakes. Gator and I handle things differently. He just mainly tries to work it out in his head. I research everything. And reading other people's stories have really helped.

 

My biggest advice to you, other than the obvious one to communicate, is take it slow. Don't either of you push the other into accepting something they are not ready for. It is difficult to take steps back (we know from personal experience). Just as in swinging, go at the pace of the slowest one (and it won't always be the same person). Getting there slow and steady with a foundation is better than jumping into the deep end.

 

One more thing, I understood you to say that part of the jealousy will be because his girlfriend will be closer to him than your boyfriend and, therefore, it follows he'll get to see her more. Try to imagine the reverse situation and see how you feel with that. We don't choose who we love. It was your luck to find someone further than you'd like from you. Ask yourself should your choice limit him in his choice. At first you might want to sit and talk with him about the frequency he sees her. Ask him to make it less frequent until you get used to it. But, you have to push yourself beyond your comfort zone little by little if this is going to work. When you do that, he'll be able to see her more frequently and you'll be fine with it.

 

Poly relationships are not easy...they can be hard. But we are finding the good aspects of it making the difficulty worth the effort. :)

 

Vol

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Vol,

 

Thanks for the response.. my thoughts about a gf for my hubby are sort of strange because he doesn't have one. At the moment doesn't even have the prospect for one because he's fairly introverted.. so I guess it's theoretical at this point. And you're absolutely right. But I think that it's the what if's are always worse than the what actually is. I think if it came around we communicate to the point that I'd be able to handle it.. it's just the "ahh!!" what if... he desires her more blah blah.. does that make sense? This thing is so hard sometimes heh. But if we all get on the same page I think it will be totally worth it...

 

Thanks again :D

 

~Blade~

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